Getting Along With Strong-Willed People

Today on Focus on the Family you'll hear insights into the personality of a strong-willed adult to have a sign that says I'm not bossy.

I just know what you need to do more humor and helpful ideas from Cynthia Tobias are coming right up your hostess focus presidents and other Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller job they were sharing a fascinating presentation that Cynthia gave her our staff just a few months ago. So let me recap her opening remarks and then we'll dive into the heart of her message on how to turn conflict and cooperation, especially with a strong-willed person or a guest WP yes Cynthia said a strong-willed person will have at least traits being resourceful and creative to accomplish a difficult goal.

Being willing to take on a project that no one else wants they don't automatically take no for an answer. They often become the leader of the group and they don't apologize as quickly or as often as they should. Kind of cuts close to home. Can we move on. Please close that one gets probably all of us. Okay moving on. Cynthia Tobias has been a guest on over a dozen Focus on the Family broadcasts and she's the author of numerous books on her two areas of expertise learning styles and strong will. The two books that relate to today's content are the way we work in a woman of strength and purpose, and we have those here at the ministry so contact Focus on the Family today and this reminder when you order from us. The proceeds go right back in the ministry. Our number is 800 the letter a in the word family or we've got the link in the ship's here now is Cynthia Tobias on Focus on the Family talk about three quick ways to turn conflict, especially with the S WP turn conflict into cooperation. It doesn't take a scientific degree doesn't take a whole lot of time you can start today. You can walk out here today with a couple ideas right away and you don't even have to tell the S WP that you figured them out. Sometimes it's better that you don't just you just start treating them a little differently and they go and I really, like you, these are the secrets number one.

Your tone of voice really matters. We don't have trouble with authority. We S WP's. We wouldn't respect you if you had a rule and then you didn't enforce it, or you had a line and let us just walk over it. It's not authority that we have a problem with is how you communicate your authority, it's the bony finger in my face that says you better do it do it or else or else what every strong-willed person on earth down to the age of two or less knows that there's nothing I really have to do except die, which figuratively. I often choose to do because if I die and you don't. I went dead. That's true, but I when and I don't care if I have to die. Oh boy, if you deal with that one most important things with your voice as you can control it and those who angry you control you. This is a really key asset I learned this in the years I was a police officer right away and I said look, those who angry you will control you and control the situation, but I was a 26-year-old little bit hotheaded, strong-willed woman police informed that I was pretty proud that I turned and I got on my hip. I was just feeling kind of confident so I was working alone one day and I will I pull the guy over for what I think it was pretty close to red light really wasn't so that I'm just Pull them over and give them a warning.

So I pulled them over before I could even walk up to the door.

He had his window down and he was yelling at me when it comes to which was to do what you doing out here doing little things you and then he looked at me and he said you can give me a ticket. You can't even give me a ticket, you're just a girl so I said right to give it to going to give you three and I give them a couple other typical tickets. Failure to notify Department of licensing within 30 days the penny test on the tire tread. Well it did not end well, things escalated turned into a physical altercation that I needed backup for he ended up in handcuffs and in jail set in the chief's office. He said you know whose fault this was said you have a guy who threw the first punch. He said no. He said you took the bait. You let him bait you and you lost control of the situation.

Now that was hard but important lesson because he's right whether it's a two-year-old or 22-year-old if they can make you raise your voice or get angry or even irritated.

They have just taken the situation away from you. Control now belongs to them and not you. So as much as possible when you're dealing with strong-willed person or strong-willed child. You just keep your voice as even as you can. Some people even advocate for the broken record to know I'm going to need that report. Right now I can't give you that report right now you is not even reasonable to ask for but I'm gonna need the report right now within the next 10 minutes I can give it within the next I'm going to need a report in the next 10 minutes, recent fine, fine, just shut up talking because is very annoying when a person won't respond to you in anger like you want them to. Don't do it.

Don't take the bait.

Let's look at the second one. I like the second turn more orders into questions. We were the Mexican restaurant.

One of my favorites the other day and Jack at the end of the meal would we have the stuff to go any hands with the go bags this year K this seriously, what carry this yet.

Just. Jack he is told me in a before we have got married. He said you know I'm not very intuitive and there are times when you have to take my head in your hands is a Jack, this is what you need to do so using what Jack carry this please carry this bouquet carry, but just in order really okay.

I was reading a little promotion for ways to get your book out there you know when I have booked the baby's language… This is a great deal squeeze coupon and is a special deal and as I'm reading.

I think this looks pretty good. I think it be worth investing is not amount big amount of money. I think I might do it and I got the very last line and it said space is limited. Hurry up with you stop bossing me around. You didn't because bossing me around carry this hurry up.

I I hear it is carried is to carry this now. You can't make me.

I don't want to.

Maybe I was going to. I was in the middle with Jack.

I was in the middle of picking it up when he said carry this sister to just to I was teaching a strong-willed child seminar a while back.

Parenting one and a guy came back about maybe six weeks later he said you know your idea of questions. Instead, orders and stuff. He said it doesn't work. I said really yeah our son. We try to document doesn't work and I said are you sure because you're the first person in 25 years then come back and said to me, it doesn't work as it really does work because no civil can you give me an idea of the kinds of questions you're asking yourself is to chart give you perfect example. Just yesterday, said you think you better straighten your attitude up. Not that question. I thought I'm going to have to get more specific when I tell you questions work better than orders. Okay, so here's just a couple ideas some good questions, persistent bad questions that let me just give you the worst questions you can ask a strong-willed person of any age. Okay why did you do that one. You can learn what were you thinking, why can't you just do what you're told. What's the matter with you. I can't remember all that I'm to give you shortcut try to always avoid any sentence with why you the same. Why did you do that or why didn't you will soon as I hear, why and you in the same sentence I have closed you down.

I have I'm a good Christian, you're a good Christian, but you just said, why can't you and I'm I'm done listening to you.

So how do you get my attention in positive ways, not some of the questions it can really be very helpful.

Are you want help with that. Would you like help with that can help in anyway thanks for the great. Another question which worked really well with my strong-willed child and now he's 30 and it still works well are you annoying me on purpose. If you say with a smile smile back and sometimes just say oh yeah, I guess I am most of the time.

No aura all say are you trying to get in trouble know is that what's happening yeah were really close. Oh, sorry. It's an easier way than saying why can't you just stop for a minute.

Why won't you just none of those work. Don't say why and you and ask him are you sure that you met to say it, why, why did I say the wrong way. Just it sounded kinda bossy and that doesn't sound like you so on. Sorry they were still talking where there aren't any hard feelings were just kind of been nice. We don't need orders organizing I need that report on my desk at 5 o'clock. I mean really, how about you can be able to get that report on my desk at five. Sure, no problem. Hey, I need you to go there and clear. Now we are already late or ready to go. I think we might delete it's just a softer way. I know you're thinking will be a spoiled person. Why do I always have to to conform to you.

You don't you can be miserable and I'm not saying I should be accountable. I'm just giving you some clues as to what's going to happen if you do this and how it can affect our relationship. I've been putting together phrases that you should definitely avoid if you possibly can ever say to a strong-willed person. These are phrases you should never, if possible, ever say you need to calm down.

No one in the history of being told to calm down has ever calm down. The second work because I said so that's why you're wrong. You're just wrong. This is another head take Jack in the head. We were talking about a business thing and stuff and I said something easily you're wrong.

Yours is wrong and I started to say Jack, you can close the conversation down start. Not like that is what you are your wrong your thousand percent wrong. Jack and his know I've calculated it is not 800% is 500% your thousand percent wrong. Walking out the door now.

Jack not going to talk you can even be a thousand percent wrong. Oh yes, I can prove it. He said I can prove you can be thousand percent wrong.

There's a YouTube we put up that he did.

That proves nothing. You got that attitude, we have seen anything yet that is not good happen. Oh yeah, I mean I'm on an abandon it before but now you told me there's noise can happen.

You better watch out, that's suited to bias in today's episode of Focus on the Family get a CD of this entire presentation when you make a gift of any amount to the ministry of Focus on the Family have extra content on it as well just call 800 K and the word family or whether complete details in the show notes.

Let's return now to Cynthia Tobias, but it's difficult when you come into contact because each of you is not that you want to win. It's just that you know you're right and how can both of the be right and you approach it in opposite ways you just have to sometimes take the person and at least figuratively say look, I don't.

I don't think I said it the right way. I don't think I meant it differently than I said I just cannot just do it over. That will get you much more traction than just walking away angry and just saying just can't work with that person just every single time they try to get their way and they push through. You can let it happen that way.

Or you can say in healthy conflict way.

Hold on, hold on. Maybe I didn't have my question in the right way because I kinda feel like you sort of dismissed me and I don't get meant to do right or you don't give this SWT some grace. Give us some price one thing, as Christians, we don't use profanity right. I found this out as a cop when I was trying to be a cop. They said you don't do you have kind of a goody two shoes sort of background you know I so will my dad was a preacher. They said yeah will so do you swear know you're not allowed used vanity civil can you not think I can and what it what I learned worked better than profanity was a gift that I had as a child of sarcasm sees the secret sarcasm works as well or better than vanity is much more irritating. I did the bad guy into the civilian on these yell and scream and call me all kinds of names all kinds, profanity, and in the middle. Let's say you know I'm rubber in your glue everything you say bounces off me and 60 days really mad. He set up a big cup that you hate all men normally but in your case and willing to make an exception when I finished looking you in to the cell.

I get to go home to a really nice house and you get to spend the night with Spike sees bike that your roommate never had to raise my voice after I learned my lesson.

Sarcasm worked well here's a secret that works and is the weirdest thing.

I don't know why it works.

I learned it like for 30 years ago and I was skeptical, but I'm in. Have you tried see what you think. I was skeptical, but they say if you have to delivered bad news to somebody not death or anything like that but you have to tell somebody some they don't want to hear that if you smile at the end of it. They will smile in spite of themselves. Most of the time. You know were not going to have ice cream tonight after all you did it have to give you an F on a report because in there in the greater scheme of things. Whatever it is were talking about the relationship is still the most important and if we can find a way, whether through a little lighthearted humor or codeword or something else we can keep working with a person who annoys us keep working with a person who irritates us and it keeps the relationship together make sense.

The third one, two very important questions you need to ask yourself what's the point and are there other ways to get there. How much shorter staff meetings could be with those two questions, you should try it.

Okay guys, so what's the point where we trying to accomplish, and then you write that down right you get that down and then as your giving ideas and answers you say okay let's look at this again does this accomplish the goal and if it does we can keep it in discussion.

If it doesn't we omitted and nobody takes it personally. So much could be accomplished without pushing forward and endlessly talking. The other thing that is important. Besides those two questions is, is it worth it. Is it worth it.

I mean, is this actually going to be worth sacrificing the relationship.

I'll never forget.

One of the defining moments. Illustration lies in my career so far. A lady came up to me after strong-willed child seminar and she said you know my 16-year-old son with. He was driving me crazy. One of the worst things was his room is a mess he left it a mess. It was pigsty and every time every day he went to school yet. I had to go and pick it up and otherwise, it would rot and I had to pick up after them and I just nagged him and nagged him our relationship was just disintegrating.

She said that I got the Holy Spirit really convicted me.

She said I promised God that every time I felt irritation toward him. Every time I had to pick up something off the floor or do something that he hadn't done that.

I would pray for him. She said my prayer life got stronger and stronger and stronger because there were so many times that I had to do it. Her countenance changed. She said my son died in a car accident just a year ago. I have never regretted. She said I have always been so thankful that the last year of his life that I spent with him I wasn't yelling at him, scolding at him being angry with him being irritated with them.

Life is short. This mom said I figured out what's worth it was not worth it. And what's not worth it is keeping your irritation to yourself or even worse clashing so many times that you have hard feelings. I can remember someone saying all Focus on the Family world vision. All those places I would love to work for an all Christian organization would have any issues.

Everybody loves the Lord. Everybody wants to serve the Lord. I don't actually even correct them anymore. But I say well it's true that you we absolutely lift up Christ's, but we are after all human and sometimes our focus shifts just a little bit and we realize I'm not sure that this is exactly how I should handle this conflict. I know there are people in this room that would have zero conflict if they possibly could. But what fun would that be would be so boring. Every day the same thing.

Nobody having any issues. This is much more fun if you know how to handle it.

And if you have even the. The language that says you get your EBS WP right right now is out European why you say that I just I just wondered all of a sudden and then you smile and then they know okay let's start over.

Let's try again and you'll be amazed you'll be amazed not. Not only did the meetings go more smoothly, but they the relationship is easier because you realize were not all alike and you irritate the heck out of me. But I love you and I'm sure I do exactly the same for you. Let's try to meet in the middle. Sometimes I get my way well okay more times I get my way sometimes you get yours accountability is never Sacrificed.

You don't just let people get by with that behavior. You don't do that in a child and you don't do that coworkers you don't just let them be bossy and let them just run roughshod. Of course you have accountability, but it's so much easier if you just kinda keep a sense of humor. Since humor is important to understand that. So I just wanted tell you pirate joke pirate walks into a bar. His friend is behind the bar. He looks at the party Google my goodness, what happened to you got a wooden leg stretch and we had a storm in the deck on the ship was really slippery and I fell in they couldn't save the leg had amputated strands of what what about the hook on your hand when the world happened there for the parts about the sword fight actually in the guy sly smile handoff had to get hook Spencer what about the patch of your rights your eyes. Gone is a yeah you know I was walking on deck one day and I looked up and there was this whole flock of seagulls and all of them once pooped in my his friend said my Guinness.

Are you telling me that you had to get your eye removed because of all this Siegel poop parents and now it was my first day with the hook so it takes a while to get used to dealing creatively with your S WP it, whether they be your coworkers, your friends, your husband or your wife but can I just tell you how much it's worth it. The S WP will bring you great joy and a lot of humor and a lot of aggravation and you'll do the same for them is the least we can do. Surely the presence of the Lord is in this place and on the daily basis. I know your human and you have clashes and conflict. But let me just tell you this to the world. You are not only a blessing you are lifeline lifeline and I love and we love and God loves Focus on the Family I want to say God bless you and keep up the good work and appreciate thinking great to have zip your device speak door staff here at Focus on the Family. She has such a way of bringing her presentation.

That was a great chapel event and our thanks go out to Cynthia and her husband Jack for visiting our campus here in Colorado Springs and I hope this message has helped you understand strong-willed person and S WP in your own life either at work or in your family. It was definitely an eye-opener for those of us who attended that chapel we discovered quite a few strong personalities arrest and if you need serious help with the relationship beyond what we provided today. Please give us a call our friendly staff would be happy to listen and pray with you and if your situation warrants that they'll have one of our caring Christian counselors to give your call back that's a free service that we provide.

Thanks to our donors and I'd also ask you to pray for us and consider giving to Focus on the Family were nonprofit ministry and we depend on donors like you to help us continue our mission of helping families thrive in Christ. And when you make a donation of any amount will send you the CD of this presentation from Cynthia Tobias with all the extra content that'll be our way of saying thank you for joining the ministry team. You can reach us by calling 800 the litter a word family or follow the link in the episode notes to donate to the work of Focus on the Family and request that CD and when you're online with us.

Be sure to look for the handout. Cynthia gave to our staff. It's called three quick ways to turn conflict into cooperation is really practical. You can download it and then keep it nearby and is free. Look for the link at the website. Have a great weekend and be back with us on Monday when you'll hear how to have a magical marriage where you want your marriage to be a year from now, five years from now 10 years when you pass what you want your kids to say about you, your sister, your brother whoever those people are that are at your your funeral. What are they saying about your marriage on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for listening today to this Focus on the Family podcast. As you can, please leave a rating in your podcast that sure about this content with a friend. You know somebody who could use Cynthia's insights on John Fuller inviting you back next time.

As we once more help you in your family thrive in Christ at Focus on the Family we know you want to see your grandchildren follow Christ that the legacy grandparenting summit, the only national conference on Christian grandparenting coming over 100 locations on October 20 and 21st. You'll find wisdom, direction and inspiration from speakers including Graham Lotz and Miles McPherson. Register now for the legacy grandparenting summit and legacy coalition.com/summit