Overcoming Emotions that Destroy - Rage: Understanding the Monster Within, Part 2

Everyone struggles with anger.

That's a true statement that we do it in different ways.

Some people blow some people repressing some people let it legality what it always does incredible how do you deal with hearing want to find out.

Stay with welcome to this Friday edition of living all be good with shipping services our Bible teacher of this daily international discipleship program teacher continues our current series overcoming emotions that destroy these in the process of identifying the different ways anger reveals itself as always, if you have to miss a portion of our broadcast it online anytime LivingontheEdge.org click listen now if you have your Bible open it out of James chapter 1. Let's join Chip for part two of his message rate.

Understanding the monster within, I'm suggest anger wears many masks and that there's three primary masks that we put on and I want to walk through what these NASCAR and to be pretty. I think the educational word is pedantic. I mean I'm literally to go through some list for you see some things and nod and ask a few diagnostic questions where you know what can I say okay how do I tend to express my anger and we get done I'm just going to guess that everyone will go all so if that's the issue then I guess I do have a little issue with angry feelings. In fact, what I want you to think about is what you do with your anger. Everyone has their slow people in front of you right there's people that frustrate you. There are block goals. There's people that say things about you. You get wounded. You have expectations your human note, we express our anger and such a wide variety of ways that many people assume anger is not an issue in their life. For those that make sure the fillings get filled in right where they get angry.

The first word is express in the second word is anger we all express it in such a wide variety of ways.

We often think we don't have an anger problem. Dr. Becca listed some common ways that people express their anger and so let me just give you a salad bar and they shut down the assert power and authority to become pushy and aggressive. The yell scream shout slam. They belittle demand and slander intimidate others to become depressed. They isolate themselves that alienate others express the feelings they repressed regress, become fearful, they hit grab, push, beat, slap, throw should I go on, they spew out threaten others become hostile feel shame manipulate others experience of hatred cover up their feelings, pretend they're not really angry and hope it goes away. They rationalize and blame. You made me angry and make excuses to become discouraged despondent depressed the gossip. They slander become selfish, self-centered, they minimize how anger really doesn't really impact me much.

They deny their feelings. They feel self-pity to become critical, cynical, sarcastic, they get people silent treatment.

They often cry for long period of time.

They point their finger and use one of their fingers as they drive, they frown. They shake their fist. They ground they give ultimatums a shrugged her shoulders and near those are 50 quick ways that people tend to express their anger on occasion and let's talk about many masks. Proverbs 79 says the heart is deceitful above all else and beyond cure. Who can understand goes on to say that the Lord searches the heart examines the mind to reward each man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve and what I want to do right now is I'm gonna walk you through a little journey right there may be more, but you can take anger into three major masks or categories. I'm suggest that there are some viewers there are stuffers and there are leakers, should we go over that again. There are six viewers with their anger. There are stuffers and then there are leakers and I want to go over first viewers, and there's a very clear inventory can see on your notes so will go through this pretty rapidly and then I have some questions and maybe you shouldn't count on your fingers. But I have some questions you can mentally go yeah for me yeah yeah yeah and here's the goal. None of these make you bad okay don't don't get spew. The leak was out with the lead girl was to be a stuffer that I could be depressed but people with no this is not about one of the mass.

These are human responses. Now some of them have different damage.

So let's follow along. Here's a summary of all the research about people who spew their anger. There's two types of skewers exploding time bombs are out of control and calculated Tom Bonds for some people. They spew it they know when they're going to do it whether to do it and how they're going to do it.

The message they they have is that anger is necessary. Their reaction is you bet on that. Do what I say or else is a power issue the reasons. First, viewers expressing their anger. It gives them a false sense of power, control, it helps them release pent up negative emotions and they feel unable to constrain or control their anger. They have poor impulse control.

The guy on the on the radio talk show yesterday. I may need to said I do it and I don't want to do it and I work really hard and then it just comes out because I'm destroying my family is.

I read the Bible on the leader in my church, my wife and my kids. I mean this is what I do.

This is how they blow up yell scream shout push of hit, kick, intimidate, aggression become overly opinionated, overly blunt, forceful, tactless, or demanding and repetitive. My dad was spew or and that when he was really mad menu you just got out of the way but like when he got really mad and he was dealing with you with something. Why do you clean out the garage when you clean out the garage. What he got something right. You see that you that's not clean yeah the grudges and clean up Lincoln he thinks I have a hearing problem. People get real mad they skewers, they tend to repeat. Repeat. The results listen to the result. This is what happens to skewers. This is why within a study this they wound themselves and others. There's a loss of control or power. There's a false sense of power. There's this great feelings of guilt skewers often feel amazing remorse there.

So sorry.

And it's genuine they have strained then in unhealthy relationships, possible retaliation or revenge. When you spew on people.

There's times where you gotta be careful.

Guess what, they will come back at you this possible damage, even violent behavior and often skewers have tremendous regrets. What is spew her needs. This is what they need. They need to develop a longer fuse they need to learn to control their anger unconsciously skewers give themselves permission. They say things like, I can't help it. I'm Irish. I have red hair.

It's just the way I am. They did and they will use phrases like you made me angry.

No one ever makes you angry. Your emotions are yours that you control and you choose to respond and not respond. I mean this this is happened in our home. Unfortunately, but let's just make it your home so I don't feel quite so guilty, so I'll make this example in your house and let's just say you and want your children or grandchildren or let's say you and your husband wife are having a rather heated discussion mean a good Christian heated discussion you not yelling.

I mean like really loud.

Nothing is being thrown no expletives but I mean you're hot all those you do believe you did that and the phone rings hello no actually were busy right now. Yeah, I think I can bring a casserole yet Bob's Bob's up yet he's occupied right now.

Okay now be right. We have the power to control our anger question. Are you a spew or not I want to read this is out of an excellent workbook actually is by Les Carter and Frank minarets and I want you to lean back and I'm going to list 7 to 10 questions and as I say them again this is you know my lands. We've so been brainwashed that any kind. Anger is wrong.

I'm just want you to get a grip on who you are and how you 10 you learn this okay you learn this from other people, which is where you're at so I'm gonna read these questions and every time you think that question and just your first response.if you allow I'm not sure I really do you know if you start down just yeah or no yeah or no. But I'm going to list them and as I list them. I want you to ask yourself, just a quick yes or no and keep count okay number one I can be blunt and forceful when someone does something to frustrate me yes or no. As I speak my convictions, my voice becomes increasingly louder.

Three. When someone confronts me about a problem I'm likely to offer a ready rebuttal for no one has to guess my opinion I'm known for having on wavering viewpoints. Five when someone salt something goes wrong, I focused so sharply on fixing the problem. I often overlook people's feelings. Six.

I have a history of getting caught in bickering matches with family members.

Check with your mate on that one but seven during verbal disagreements with someone.

I tend to repeat myself several times to make the point.

Eight I find it hard to keep my thoughts to myself when I know something is wrong. Nine.

I have a reputation of being strong-willed and 10.

I tend to give advice even when others have not asked for okay just in your mind. If you mentally have five welcome to the spew club will have T-shirts. Later, spew her but God's working in my life. Okay stuffers. There's two types. Those who repress they deny and avoid, and those who suppress the pretend and stuff the message they believe is that anger is bad.

The reaction to are you angry is angry at me.

Why are they afraid of anger. They think it's bad or even sinful to be angry. They fear God's wrath. They fear a loss of control and making a fool of themselves if they got angry, they fear rejection by others.

If I get angry this people reject me. They don't like to feel guilty when they get angry they feel guilty they experience anger sometime in the past was scary so all anger, something to be avoided. They fear retaliation punishment punishment or the consequences and outcomes of them expressing their anger.

Most of you learned that as a kid. My wife is a classic stuffer anger was not allowed in her home. Varying opinions were not allowed in her home as she had a very sweet mother and a father who traveled who is an alcoholic. He didn't know what he didn't know, and he ruled with an iron fist and lots of rules and you didn't buck him and you never talk back.

Talking back was like opening your mouth, but so she had a belief system all anger is wrong.

The reason I learned so much about anger was I had a dad who was a spew or she had a dad were anger is wrong.

We love one another were in seminary and Frank minarets friend Paul Meyer the Miramar clinic was teaching us how to do pastoral counseling and here I'm learning how to do pastoral counseling and I'm learning how were supposed to help these other people and he gets in the sum of these kind of things and I realize my wife goes silent.

She withdraws she cries quietly doesn't talk to me for two days and pretend everything's okay.

This is not a healthy response to anger. I don't feel close to her when she does it. And she's a full close to me because I may verbalize her, and as since we don't have it resolved and I have Ephesians 426 memorized she's in bed, up to one and I'm walking around the bed we have to do it this cannot be angry but do not sin, would you please wake up. We get up for real talk letter right now right now right and she would shut down and then we pretend for two days.

Nothing really happen. We bear the anger move on.

You do understand that anger puts a roadblock in Missy emotional intimacy. Intellectual intimacy and physical intimacy and so I realize that we didn't know how to deal with anger and we did know how to communicate and so was making thousand dollars a month and supporting my families. I went to seminary and at about $90 a pop for 12 weeks. We went to Paul Myers, brother for counseling and marriage, and he gave us tools to learn how to communicate and how to express our anger and I'm good. I'm not even going to charge you. I'm getting give you some of those tools and it is amazing thing to be able to communicate I feel hurt I feel angry when you and be able to get things on the table and not attack the other person and not be threatened. Some of you will come away and realize that was worth the entire time together stuffers how they stuff it by ignoring it, denying it, shielding or defecting it, minimizing it, pretending they're not really angry by avoiding it by bearing it by way when you bury it a Paul Meyer says 95% of all depression is anger turned inward think that people that are very, very, very depressed. Now there's clinical reasons and physiological reasons, but a lot of depression is people don't even know there angry. They push it down and and it physiologically will see in a minute. It can cause ulcers, headaches, all, difficult things in your body, but emotionally it causes depression results to become doormats there taken advantage of. They redirect their anger at themselves.

I remember one of the biggest things are done in my wife after those years is I would say honey I think you're angry. She looked at me like not. I'm not honey. You gotta be angry that that lady just talk you like that.

Well, she's probably having a bad day no matter what happened. My wife, I would joke and ambulance would go by an increase which runs on what I did wrong.

I mean I'm joking. I'm exaggerating to me. She is so wrong to be angry about anything.

She always figured out how to blame herself now.

I wish you could see the beautiful woman that I married to now, but while we had to discover how she dealt with anger before she got the truth that set her free. The results are. They develop physical ailments that I talked about.

They occasionally erupt. By the way, it's kinda weird these kind of people they never share it never shared and then finally they develop resentment what stuffers neatest, except that anger is okay and normal to acknowledge their fears and seek to minimize their hold on others learn to communicate anger effectively become more assertive with their needs that it's okay it's okay to have real needs in rural wants and to become clear about what they will and will not do so are you a stuffer. Could you be a stuffer. I have another 10 questions and you can just put them on your fingers. Question number one, I'm very image-conscious.

I don't like to let others know my problems yes or no. Even when I feel frustrated I portray myself publicly as having it all together.

Three.

I'm rather reserved about sharing my problems or my frustrations for the family member or friend upsets me. I can let days pass without even mentioning it. Five.

I have a tendency to be depressed and moody just the tendency does menu all the time. Six resentful thinking is common for me. Although many people would never suspected seven I suffered with physical complaints.

For example, headaches, stomach out ailments and sleep irregularity. Eight.

There are times when I wonder if my opinions or preferences are really valid.

Nine sometimes I feel paralyzed when confronted by an unwanted situation and 10 I feel guilty a lot about little things, especially if someone is upset with me.

Those of you that said click click click click click five or more.

You're probably a stuffer. Now some of you are feeling real bad because your thinking. You know I had like I had like four or five on the last when I got five on this one. I mean yes you can wear more than one mask. You probably have a primary one but you can wear more than one so are you a stuffer yes no or maybe finally let's look at our leakers.

The technical word for this is passive aggressive and and a leakers a person who is angry, but what they do is they have as you look to have all the same fears as stuffers.

They have the same belief system. The stuffers, but they just just stuffing it all the time like I just can't go there and so but they're not going to do it directly. So what they do is I'm angry about the situation, this person is hurt this injustice.

This pain this wound, unlocking a deal that over here.

I take that anger. I put it under my arm like a football and now I go over here to a safe playing field and that I take the anger and I leak it to get back at the person to punish them for what they did.

Sarcasm, negativity, procrastination, frigidity, critical remarks, knowing they like you to be prompt your late knowing the love you to follow through. I forgot I'm so sorry okay that's what leakers do. I'm an expert on this types are indirect and direct leakers. Here's here's their message. It's not that anger. It's showing anger is bad. You can be angry but just tell anyone see it. The reaction angry. Not me. Well, maybe just a little. Why are they afraid of anger they think is bad or even sinful to be angry. They fear God's wrath. They fear loss of control losing it might make them look foolish. They fear rejection. Others won't like them if they get angry they don't like to feel guilty their experience with anger was scary. So all anger is something to be afraid of or avoided. That's what I had. They fear retaliation punishment or consequences or outcomes not did you notice that in most all of those were the exact same reasons as people at stuff there.

Anger. But then, how do they leak it by not following through on commitments or promises by not letting their yes be yes or no be no. These people you know when you're really leak do this I will check it. I can't. We are flaky at times and it makes people crazy by making excuses by procrastinating by knowingly going at a pace different than others or knowing it ever had. People really get up on your bumper you PVP now you know there's there's like 15 million cars ahead of you in this guys you know switching and almost killing people so he can make it like 30 more feet right and so he's like you look in your rearview mirror. All you see his grill not, some of you in your younger days, or if you know karate want to pull off and say right now dude right ballast was take it down.

Let's take it down. Others of you want to express yourself to them and still others go. If you think you close my bumper now gone 65 all my I'm only going 58 now and there's a big semi on the right and you know something I'm getting kind of tired. I think I can pull it down to 43 and and then no I know I contact you just look ahead right right you are one angry person. You wonder where I got that illustration I have no idea the results they develop a false unhealthy sense of power.

I mean even even your all your laughter as I read you why you are laughing as if the power direct we got that guy. We got that guy at Smart Alec in front of me back at me. They aggravate those around them and they strained weakened relationships become critical and negative they become isolated, you might write the word leakers are very very sarcastic there often late the withdrawal they often are frigid sexually to pay back their mate. They forget and they avoid issues. What a leaker needs is to accept that anger is okay and normal to acknowledge fears and seek to minimize the influence of those fears on their life they need to learn to communicate their anger effectively. They need to become more assertive.

A lot of times I don't really say we don't say what we really mean we think people can read our minds with them. They don't come through for us because are not reading our minds as we get angry at them because they don't read our minds. Even though we didn't tell him and then we do stuff to punish him and does work and they need to be clear about what they will do and won't do okay are you ready for the big 10 questions. Here's the questions Adam up yes or no real quick when I'm frustrated. I become silent, knowing it bothers other people to. I'm prone to Salk and pout about the broad work, tools three when I don't want to do a project I will procrastinate. I can be lazy for when someone asked me if I'm frustrated.

I will lie and say no, everything's fine. Five.

There are times when I am deliberately evasive so others won't bother me.

Six I sometimes approach work projects halfheartedly. Seven. When someone talks to me about my problems.

I stare straight ahead being deliberately obstinate. Eight. I'm often sarcastic and hide my real hurts behind jokes nine I withdrawal affection become frigid when hurt 10 I forget to do things for people when they wounded me.

Gotta are you a leaker.

Yes no or maybe ask yourself, and I encourage you to to get a pen before you share with others. If you can. What makes you angry. Just the top 323 things really make angry. Second, when and where is it okay to feel angry. I mean if you could just identify some of you think it's so wrong when would it be okay some of you so lit up when I taught that Jesus was angry Moses was angry.

David was angry. Chip was angry at the laundromat. Some of you your faces just said how maybe get a little mad to be okay where you think it be okay to get mad and then in what ways do tend to misuse anger. Why do you hang onto it and then which anger master you wear most often spew her stuffer were leaker and the final question and this will be the journey just up to now if you had to turn to someone and say the one insight that I received so far about anger and emotions that I think will be helpful to me.

I think it's what would you write down okay for you to go on a journey together and get some practical help for those angry feelings that destroy relationships God gave you this divine gift, a neutral emotion called anger that can be for good or for evil. Let's figure out how we deal with our anger and how we can by God's grace begin to channel it in ways for his glory and our good ship you're just joining us, you're listening to living on the id Chip Ingram chips message today. Rage. Understanding the monster within his from his series, overcoming emotions that destroy this five-part series from chip takes you behind the scenes to discover the real source of anger and then how to turn that anger into a productive helpful tool for personal and spiritual growth. Anger wears many masks in this series chip explains the most common ways we express our anger and gives practical biblical solutions to help bring in those angry feelings before they destroy our most treasured relationships because the series is one of our best-selling resources.

We wanted to make it even more accessible to you while it's on the year. So for a limited time.

All of the audio video book and small group resources for overcoming emotions that destroy our significantly discounted. Whether you're looking for the small group study the book the CDU score free MP3s and message notes. Ordering is easy when you go to LivingontheEdge.org and remember were always available to talk with you by phone at 1-888-333-6003 will chip in your message today you refer to anger as a neutral emotion when it can be used for good or for evil. I think for a lot of people listening. That's a revolutionary thought and the reason it's revolutionaries because it's biblical.

I mean a lot of us just don't know what the Bible actually teaches about anger. So as we teach what God says were helping Christians live like Christians and apply with their learning. Dave right point there is a group of people that are doing something very special so that you can hear this message as a group of people that give financially to the ministry and as a result of that we actually buy airtime from a radio station and then we make this program and then we create resources to give to you to help you and I'm very thankful for them. But what I like to ask you to do if you're benefiting from the ministry you listen, it's encouraging God says when we deposit and invest spiritually in people. They have a biblical responsibility to invest financially and in all were going to do with all of it is turn it back into the ministry to help other people like you and so if you've never given to the ministry or you've done it, and thinking. I haven't done that in quite a while.

The bills keep coming in and the ministry keeps going on. I'm just asking. Would you partner with us today. Whatever God leads you to do will be very grateful for, but we need people who realize that consuming God's teaching is important but I also need to be a contributor to get it to me and to others. So all I'm asking you to do is just do actually act on whatever God chose you to do and by the way thank you in advance will of Living on the Edge is ministering to you and you've not yet become a monthly partner. Would you prayerfully consider doing that today.

It takes a team to do what God called us to do and were inviting you to help us help Christians live like Christians you can set up a recurring donation@livingontheedge.org or if you prefer. Just give us a call at 1-888-333-6003, on behalf of chip and the staff here at Living on the Edge. Thank you for your ongoing support will now here's chip with a final thought as we close today's program. I want to bring you back to the very first thing you heard when you begin the teaching anger wears many faces some of us view some of us stuff and some of us league and some others like me are multitalented. I actually can do two or three of these things, but we we tend to have a a major style and sort of a minor style and by the way the stuffers are the terrible bad people in the world and us leakers that do little but more sophisticated were just not quite so ungodly.

The truth of the matter is, it is Kelly Kevin different color eyes you all see, but the colors are just different.

There's not a right or wrong, these are things that most of us have learned through our families and by virtue of our personalities. God is going to help you use anger for good. But until you identify your normal way that you respond you'll never learn how to turn it from an evil thing to a good thing in your life.

So go to the website look at the notes download them.

There's the question that I gave today and come to grips with how you deal with your anger. Which mask do you wear and I will tell you what some exciting things can happen for you. Using the message notes chip just mentioned is one of the best ways to get the most out of this series chips message notes containers outline scripture verses and much more. Most of all, chips, message notes are absolutely free. Just go to LivingontheEdge.org and click listen now for this free download whether you use the notes for your own personal study or for your small group will gain new levels of understanding, will be sure to join us again on Monday as chip continues our series overcoming emotions that destroy Tobin this is Dave Ruiz saying thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge