Effective Habits to Embrace in Parenting

Parenting is tough and moms like Julie need encouragement when they feel overwhelmed and the first thing I did was turn on the Focus on the Family podcast about parenting. That is my go to is there's always a topic that is relating to what I'm going through at the moment I'm Jim Daly this season. Help us give families Hope and when you give today. Your donation will be double donated focusonthefamily.com/joy. That's what parenting is all about is helping a child succeed without parents. So the more decisions a parent gives a child at home because we know that once they get the teen years there's gonna be some major decisions now. Dr. Randy Schrader joins us today on this last day of the year and this best of 20, 21 Focus on the Family broadcast, I'm John Fuller spoke as president and author Jim John parenting is close to the heart of focus on. I think in many ways. That's how we built to help equip parents to be the best parents they could be, and that man we want to love our children guide our children and most of all we want our children to have a deep faith in Christ as we launch them into a world that will tug at that all the time. It's one reason we try to cover a number of parenting topics here on this program and sometimes I would like to examine what I guess.

What will call the nuts and bolts of parenting and working to do that today with our great guest. So sit back, get a cup of something tea, coffee or whatever and let's get into some great parenting Contin Dr. Randy Schrader is a former educator and now has a successful counseling practice in Carmel, Indiana where he lives with his wife Jenny and I do have two married sons and six grandchildren and rent is written a book called simple habits for effective parenting specific skills and tools that achieve extraordinary results in raising a child and you can click the links in the episode notes or call 800 K in the word family Dr. Randy, welcome to Focus on the Family, it is my privilege and pleasure to be with you. Jim and John and thank you so very much for having me. It's great. I could see here full of energy and you are a football coach which we connected right away on that.

Well we did realize you are high school quarterback as well yeah I I say excellent. I really was par even with the rest of the guys, but it's so much fun there's so many good things that are learned through sports right your counselor and after being that football coach and a teacher. I mean the sporting environment. Teachers use so much in fact even hiring her focus when things all asked people when I chance to interview them is did you do team sports or individual sports.

There is a difference in the people that did individual sports there very much. They move in that direction they want that self accountability and determination of their own destiny and team sports are very different. You gotta get along. You gotta execute the play in it does lend itself to a corporate environment. Yes it does yesterday and in that regard. I know I got coach and being a former coach as a leader and effective parent is a leader and wants to lead, guide, nurture their kids in a very positive direction and that caught me as I was reading the prep for this broadcast because I know in terms of leading. I was a quarterback and all that but in parenting, I feel a little awkward thinking that I'm leaving in that way, but you are is apparent and you should embrace it, exactly, exactly. There's actually Jim and John, the false belief by many parents that the goal of parenting is to control behavior and in a sense of panic and control behavior up until about the age of 12 when their eyes are on their child within. After the age of 12 when they hit 13 on up into young adulthood. Now kids are going to have to make some major life decisions.

What are they going to a cigarettes invade being in marijuana and alcohol and drugs and sex and so on, leader, parent wants to influence a child's heart me what is Proverbs 4 say above all else, guard your heart. Guard your thoughts because that's what's going to lead child to be a responsible capable, confident, godly decision-maker. One day yeah and so that's essential can I ask about this CDC during the pandemic came out with research project that they did they identify the 25% of 14 to 24-year-olds that depression was up anxiety was that the suicidal ideation had occurred and that group of people 24% of 14 to 24-year-olds. That's about 78 million people that that 25% represents that's an astounding number of young people who I don't feel are getting that kind of feedback that I am more than that I'm good at something that somebody cares about me and how desperately we as human beings need that fundamental feedback that you care about me. It's built into our DNA. What I have found Jim and John is that desire along to be effective. Parenting is not enough. I think verbal unconditional love me, state, and that's acceptance know God through our faith in Jesus Christ loves us unconditionally. Kids need to be loved unconditionally and I think that can happen. Jim and John through three phrases that need to happen daily and if not daily regularly in the first one is I will love you even more tomorrow than I do today. Secondly to Jim and John is to ask a question I've been doing this for over 30 years. Having parents asked the question, do you want to know secret and then come back with the phrase I love you no matter what in the three words that are key or not.

I love you but no matter what no matter what. And third, if there's one question Jim and John that I hear over and over from teenagers that I've counseled over the years and have been numerous Dr. Schrader. My parents proud of that.

It is an unbelievable how infrequently and again I'm not being critical parents. They don't realize the importance of what to say but that it is so important say I am proud of you on a daily basis, and especially when a child is not achieving or accomplishing anything when they're just in the car and apparent pats him on the leg, tosses her hair and say I am so very proud of you. Let me ask you and them to get to the 4R's in the works are more the content of your gradebook, but in that context.

Some parents are going yeah you don't know where my child that you know he's not your she is not doing the homework they're not getting the grades that I'd hoped that they would have. It's a conflict how to use apparent balance expectations of performance against loving them unconditionally.

This is probably the age-old question right.

How do we let them know we love you we care about you so that they can feel that. But hon, we still gotta get you going here. I mean, you talk to me about that him that is a great question and what needs to happen we need to go to Scripture the parable of the talents. Now I know in the parable of the talents that it could be a management of finances okay but it also can be in the management of talents and abilities, and so I think in the parable of the talents again.

One got received two and five talents. They built the talents and Jesus said good job, good and faithful.

The other buried their talent, ability, and Jesus said your wicked and lazy and so the focus Meyer heavenly father for the three of us for everyone.

For children is on effort and improvement and so I continually stressed the parents do not be concerned about achievement and accomplishment fact I tell kids all-time grades, no matter all that counts is giving a good consistent A- effort with your talents and abilities.

Let let's move to the 4R's describe what the R's are and what they're about. The first start is relationship. The most important goal.

The main objective for every parent is to build a strong parent-child relationship. It all begins there. Think about for us as Christians, the stronger our relationship is with Jesus Christ. Yes, the more we want to live a godly life.

The more we want to follow the 10 Commandments, the weaker our relationship with Jesus, the less concern we are about living a godly life of following the 10 Commandments. Likewise, when a child has a strong relationship with their parent. Jim and John the end they are willing to follow the lead. The guidance to nurture the encouragement by a parent porta. Gotta like Dr. Randy when you look at parenting and you break it down to the simple form is that the most important thing to maintain in the special I'm thinking the teen years maintain that relationship because that in the end will be.

What counts more than their performance, their behavior where they're at. Spiritually, at 1415. Maintaining that relationship will be the right thing at 24, 25, 30, Jessica, Jim, you hit the nail right on the head, that is the main goal of parenting up strong parent-child foundation and how to achieve that it ended leg talk about that my simple habits for effective parenting book. It's too simple yet effective habits that so often, parents don't know what to do how to do it, and specifically they need guidance. Okay, we got relationship is the first are let me have John's break and they will come back to the second are you listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and our guest today is Dr. Randy Schrader's ring is great book as he is just mentioning simple habits for effective parenting look for copy and our website if you would please so the link is in the episode notes and or numbers 800 K in the word family right we have relationship what's next are the next star would be routines and there's a lot of healthy routines there is a morning routine. A course in researchers found that the when the first five minutes for a child or positive that often leads to a positive day for a child, so avoiding the seas complaints criticism correction condemnation so important. But there's bedtime routines mealtimes, mealtimes are one is one of the most simple yet effective habits that so often is missing in families and mealtimes together lead to a lot of positives there's prayer time together and I think one of the top 10 simple yet effective habits. Jim and John would be monthly.

Date your child that is absolutely essential and so many parents hundreds and hundreds of parents have told me that you sure that's what turned around. My relationship with my child is at monthly date your child if I could tell one story just kinda highlight how important it is.

I saw a 15-year-old and his dad had a horrible relationship and that that when they came into counseling. The 15-year-old actually gave his dad orders and said that you sit in that chair and sit on the sofa that had any interesting for the counselor here. He would not let the dad sit with them on the self and how I'd found out that update your child.

By the way, I should say Jim and John is usually going out to eat for 45 to 60 minutes.

There's no problem talk all way to the date during the date all the way home and so is just a positive parent-child time so I found out the teenagers to favorite restaurants.

One was an Italian and I ask you mess it, we go out to eat with your dad on Saturday lunch and I remember he looked right at me seductress shooter did you hear me what I been saying the whole session.

I don't like my dad. Wow as but I convinced Dean. He went out to eat lunch. I had the dad till the sun during the session. I will not criticize correct complaint or condemn the whole date so halfway through the meal. The teenager picked up his spaghetti and meatball and stuffed it in his mouth with his hand with his aunt Annie finished the meal with his hand.

He spit poking his dad and his dad could hear me echoing do not use the seas well. The dad actually Jim and John had more self-control and restraint that I had, because if you can believe it. The dad did not correct them on the way home.

Nothing Saturday afternoon nothing Sunday nothing Monday, Tuesday, when dad came home dad asked the son if you pick that Italian restaurant would you please use it for next time.

The 15-year-old smiled and said sure Dan turned their relationship around out the Dan Jim and John used most of the simple yet effective habits and simple habits were effective parenting made a huge difference, and they developed a strong parent-child relationship at that date your child began it, and so that is a huge routine.

I think for every parent responsibilities responsibilities, household chores, and task build a child's self-esteem help a child develop confidence in a household chores and responsibilities lead to adulthood. That's right yet. That's what's going to happen as an adult in marriage, you really did anything exactly the last of the 4R's as rules course moms and that's yet what are the rules you love the rules and that usually you're right usually Jim and John that that's the most focused area and yet that can lead to struggles LOL yeah yeah and and and actually the rules if a parent-child relationship is strong. Rules are usually not an issue for child and if I could just mention quickly. The R should be in this direction relationship plus a healthy application of the rules equals a responsible, godly decision-making child.

However, what happened so often if rules are the primary focus, minus that strong parent-child relationship. Now were to see a child that probably becomes rebellious and defiant. So rules are secondary in the other aspect to that is most parents are not sure, and are not able to lovingly apply the rules in an effective manner and if we have time we can get to how that can happen. Well hopefully we will in a you know I think we can hit it right now. I think that balancing factory notes.

I think we think of it as a light switch rather than the dimmer switch rightists are young and we need to understand. I think parents to get tripped up on if I'm loving my child if I'm developing my relationship with my child that I can struggle applying the rules to give us the boundaries have had to do both well. Yep it in terms of applying the rules and no giving consequences are taking away privileges. It begins with a question will you please so many parents choose a sentence and that does not give a child.

Also to make decisions.

Children need to make decisions in the home and so if I said you use the real courtesy Jim and John and say please switch seats well, even I use please that's a sentence which is a command to demand in order to do it. I didn't give you chance to say no thank you, and that can create friction in a parent-child relationship. So what needs to happen is I ask you, will you please switch seats.

Now you have the freedom of choice. You could say sure will switch or no thanks will stay will rent so the first step is always to ask, will you please. Most of the time it needs to be a question every once in a while can be a sentence with the police but 90 to 95% time it needs to be, will you please. Now I could see myself when the boys were younger going will affect the way to state that's not what you're saying that that's actually Mike and the effect of parents you have your right it there needs to be the will you please needs to be a loving, encouraging to be strong, sincere yet kid is sincere, but yet it needs to be loving and encouraging. Will you please. Okay, so the child says now yet so let's say that the parents as we please be respectful okay then it goes to either or you decide either be respectful or go to your room for 10 minutes. You decide. Do timeout do a timeout and if the child still continues to be disrespectful than the parent and this is what's absolutely essential in this I think causes more rebellion and defiance in the home as much as anything is that up here and not use the pronoun I I'm in the city room I is controlling. It's not being a leader is being a boss micromanaging as to what needs to happen. The parent needs to say you decided to go to your because you're being disrespected, put it on the child that it's with the child's decision was it the parent, the need to feel that they were not being disrespectful and so it's always you decide because the other thing that happens frequently with the pronoun I so many parents use the word punishment and I've had hundreds and hundreds were over thousand parents and never realize that punishment was not a healthy word and it's not. It creates defiance itself. So many parents say I'm a punish you by sending you Ruby for being disrespectful. I'm in a punish you by not let use your cell phone. It needs to be you decided because and I can tell you it Jim and John. It took me many times a practice to learn. Will you please either or you decide you decide because).

I again these are great concepts that you covered in simple habits for effective parenting that one right there either do this or you go to your room for your timeout I may I wish I would have that tool. I think I you know I didn't deploy it because I just didn't know that yet and the yes and it does help the child, especially the thinking child. The realize oh I actually control this yes and that's a good thing. Yeah, that's what parenting is all about is helping a child succeed without parents and so the more decisions Jim and John a parent gives a child at home because we know that once they get the teen years there's gonna be some major decisions now and they need to be equipped to make those decisions you talk about something called grandma's law only because let's grandmas I got to know grandma then probably I would say it's an easier one to learn and that probably D's has destress more families than any other simple yet effective habit increased in the effective parenting book and grandma would say to this when you have eaten your vegetables and chicken then you may have a piece. The part that you so it's grandma's law is when you then you okay and you then you win.

You then you edit a lot of parents will use. If you then you if you then you actually does not display confidence in a child so I best story I'd I have the I saw dad who came in to me without mom actually seeking simple yet effective habits and he said we can get our 15-year-old cleaner bathroom and I said Dan I said you're gonna love this.

I said you grandma's law. When you then you heading practice. It go home. Ask your daughter will you please. He said, and by the way the debts that we have threatened we've intimidate we bargain.

She just will clear bathroom. As I sit. When you go home again like you said Jim needs to be loving.

Would you please him your cell phone got the cell phone said when you clean your bathroom then you may have your cell phone back and indent what that don't matter. She ate yet that boy did negotiate but it's whose decision so daughters determines which itself will back about 15 minutes later.

She said the bathrooms cleaned that he went in there. The sink was still a little dirty. He said when you clean the sink, then you may have yourself a walk-through again about five minutes later went back in sink was clean and gave her cell phone.

I maybe came in and he had a big smile to his face and he said parenting is gonna be so easy. Parenting is never easy when these even my wife and I is not easy for anybody, but I said that when you then you will destress your relationship with your daughter. Why do you think these phrases are so effective when they work while they work because they put the responsibility on the child. The child needs to make decisions and I can tell you when I've had numerous parents tell me and this is when a parent knows they have the tools down is when they hear their child saying to them either. Or you decide either or you decide when you then you when you then you I am tired of making all these decisions in the home.

That's when parents know that the child is it sinking in that they're having to make decisions but there are again significant decisions in the teenage years in the young adult years. One thing I want to make sure we capture the end you do stress the need for humor in a relationship, laughter smiles, etc. because it can get a little daunting for some parents, they feel they're always the police officers are always the judge are always the jury and you want to make sure life has some high moments, some fun, some laughter, some smiles just as you said. So how do you as a parent. Make sure those moments are occurring.

You hit the nail on the head. Jim positive humor increases, relationship, parent, child satisfaction and just enhances the whole family atmosphere. Laughter, exercises, muscles, laughter reduces blood pressure, laughter increases oxygen to tissues and so no parents need to often. One of my suggestions for parents when they come in for counseling with her youngster. When the youngster struggling is that they watch comedy movies comedy TV shows and I encourage you no parents and child laugh out loud living and with this question. Dr. Randy because for the parent that struggles I mean they have had this fight going for maybe a few years now David that son or daughter there started at seven and started displaying this controlling defiant behavior, etc. and now it's 13, 14, and some of those big decisions like you described are occurring in or whether it's poor habits of taping or drugs or pornography.

Whatever might be. How does that parent mix all of this together and try to really change the trajectory of the relationship. First, all the 4R's that you mentioned. And there's this serious nagging in the back of their mind that if we don't get this right and it's hard to find humor in that moment when the pressure is on. When your child is misbehaving to the point of destructive behavior and how you can find the lighter side of life and God's heart for this child when it's nothing but pain right now. That's a big question.

Well, it is a big question in something we do not have time to talk about are the the ace of affection and attention, appreciation, and if so those can make a huge difference, especially positive labels, but I think parents need to let my favorite sentence in life as I am ever forgiven three of us are for ever forgiven to the blood of Jesus Christ would have eternal life in heaven. Parents need to say I'm forever forgiven for the mistakes that I've made my wife and I made mistakes that we are forever forgiven for, and parents need to get that for ever forgiveness to their kids as well. And that's the parallel we need to think about it in the Lord makes it so simple, marriage, parenting. How does God interact with us. How do we perceive the Lord our father in heaven and those of the attributes that we need to deploy in our marriages and in our parenting so will state the recently great takeaways from Dr. Randy Schrader on today's best of 2021 Focus on the Family. I do hope you've been encouraged to start in permitting some of those effective habits in your own parenting, especially as we start the new year that this is core stuff and such timeless solid concepts for raising children that you know here at Focus on the Family we want to help you be the best parent you can be that were here for you. That's one reason we created our seven traits of effective parenting assessment.

It's a quick little online quiz that will help you determine your strong points in parenting as well as some of those areas that need some growth.

We also have lots of other resources to help you.

In fact, Dr. Randy's book simple habits for effective parenting is a great place to start and you can get that through Focus on the Family and when you do the proceeds go right back into ministry giving families hope every day and we hear from so many moms and dads who need answers that we do kind of the privilege to be able to help and I'll share this note that we received from an anonymous listener who wrote thank you Focus on the Family. I've been listening to the focus podcast every day and it's been a blessing for my family and me two years ago I was in a really bad place in my marriage and in my relationship with my kids. I was disconnected.

In my relationship with God was bad. Then I started listening to focus and I applied the solutions and principles. I heard my marriage and with my kids and now we are in a better place. A healthy place. Our relationship with God is much better. Thank you. Keep up the good work God bless focus and ministry. You're doing and that is the very reason focus exists, but we couldn't help families like that without your help. Were doing this together and here at the end of the year. Your support provides scripture-based resources and programs to save and strengthen these families and when you give a gift of any amount today will send you a copy of Dr. Randy's great book simple habits for effective parenting as our way of saying thank you. Your prayers and financial gifts are critical so that we can finish the year strong and plan to reach even more families in the coming year and I'm eager to see how God will work through you and Focus on the Family to touch so many in 2022. Donate today take that assessment and get your copy of Dr. Randy's book simple habits for effective parenting all the details are in the episode's a happy new year. Have a wonderful and safe weekend and join us Monday for another best of program as we hear from Wendy speak shall encourage you to fast sugar and is really powerful when you die examine a crowd out that sugar with more healthy options when you fast crowd out when I'm running to when turning to turning to on behalf of Jim Daly and the rest of the team here.

Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back once more help you and your family thrive in Christmas memories and making sharing stories with your family that's depicted in the play from Focus on the Family titled family traditions this story and paint by artist Morgan was a lively family kitchen scene will find a special place in your home and find out how to get a signed version of the special edition printing@focusonthefamily.com/family traditions.

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