Effective Habits to Embrace in Parenting

Good parents aren't perfect and that's okay but there are ways you can grow every day.

Focus on the Family seven traits of effective parenting assessment gives parents an honest look at their unique strings plus some areas that could use a little help every mom and dad can help raise the next generation of healthy children and responsible children in this assessment will help get you started. Take the assessment of focusonthefamily.com/7 traits that's focusonthefamily.com/7 trade. That's what parenting is all about is helping a child succeed without parents. So the more decisions a parent gives a child at home because we know that once they get the teen years there's gonna be some major decisions going out.

Dr. Randy Schrader joins us today on focus on family.

I'm John Fuller and her hostess focus president and author Jim Daly John parenting is close to the heart of Focus on the Family. I think in many ways. That's how we were built to help equip parents to be the best parents they could be, and that man we want to love our children guide our children and most of all we want our children to have a deep faith in Christ as we launch them into a world that will tug at that all the time. It's one reason we try to cover a number of parenting topics here on this program and sometimes I would like to examine what I guess what we call the nuts and bolts of parenting and working to do that today with our great guest.

So sit back, get a cup of something tea, coffee or whatever and let's get into some great parenting Contin Dr. Randy Schrader is a former educator and now has a successful counseling practice in Carmel, Indiana where he lives with his wife Jenny and I do have two married sons and six grandchildren and Randy is written a book called simple habits for effective parenting specific skills and tools that achieve extraordinary results in raising a child and you can click the links in the episode notes or call 800 K and the word family Dr. Randy, welcome to Focus on the Family, it is my privilege and pleasure to be with you. Jim and John and thank you so very much for having me. It's great.

I could see here full of energy and you are a football coach which we connected right away on that. Well we did and I never realized you are high school quarterback and I as well yeah I I say excellent. I really was par even with the rest of the guys, but it's so much fun there's so many good things that are learned through sports right is your counselor and after being that football coach and a teacher. I mean the sporting environment. Teachers use so much in fact even hiring her focus when things all asked people when I chance to interview them is did you do team sports or individual sports. There is a difference in the people that did individual sports there very much. They move in that direction they want that self accountability and determination of their own destiny and team sports are very different. You gotta get along. You gotta execute the play in it does lend itself to a corporate environment. Yes it does yesterday and in that regard. I know I got coach and being a former coach is a leader in affective parent is a leader and wants to lead, guide, nurture their kids in a very positive direction and that caught me as I was reading the prep for this broadcast is I you know in terms of leading. I was a quarterback and all that but in parenting, I feel a little awkward thinking that I'm leaving in that way, but you are is apparent and you should embrace it, exactly, exactly.

There's actually Jim and John, the false belief by many parents that the goal of parenting is to control behavior and in a sense a parent can control behavior up until about the age of 12 when their eyes are on their child within. After the age of 12 when they hit 13 on up into young adulthood. Now kids are going to have to make some major life decisions. What are they gonna do a cigarettes invade being in marijuana and alcohol and drugs and sex and so on, leader, parent wants the influence a child's heart me what is Proverbs 4 say above all else, guard your heart.

Guard your thoughts because that's what's going to lead child to be a responsible capable, confident, godly decision-maker. One day yeah and so that's essential can I ask about this CDC during the pandemic came out with research project that they did they identify the 25% of 14 to 24-year-olds that depression was up anxiety was that the suicidal ideation had occurred and that group of people 24% of 14 to 24-year-olds, that's about 7 to 8 million people that that 25% represents that's an astounding number of young people who I don't feel are getting that kind of feedback that I am more than that I'm good at something that somebody cares about me and how desperately we as human beings need that fundamental feedback that you care about me. It's built into our DNA.

What I have found Jim and John is that desire alone to be effective. Parenting is not enough. I think verbal unconditional love me, state, and that's acceptance know God through our faith in Jesus Christ loves us unconditionally.

Kids need to be loved unconditionally and I think that can happen. Jim and John through three phrases that need to happen daily and if not daily regularly and the first one is I will love you even more tomorrow than I do today. Secondly to Jim and John is to ask a question I've been doing this for over 30 years. Having parents asked the question, do you want to know secret and then come back with the phrase I love you no matter what in the three words that are key or not. I love you but no matter what no matter what. And third, if there's one question Jim and John that I hear over and over from teenagers that counseled over the years and have been numerous Dr. Schrader.

My parents proud of that. It is a unbelievable how infrequently and again I'm not being critical parents. They don't realize the importance of what to say but that it is so important say I am proud of you on a daily basis, and especially when a child is not achieving or accomplishing anything yet when when they're just in the car and apparent pats him on the leg pulses are here and say I am so very proud of you yeah let me ask you in them to get to the 4R's in the works are more the content of your gradebook, but in that context, I some parents are going yeah you don't know where my child that you know he's not your she is not doing the homework they're not getting the grades that I'd hope that they would have.

It's a conflict how to use apparent balance expectations of performance against loving them unconditionally. This is probably the age-old question right. How do we let them know we love you we care about you so that they can feel that.

But hon, we still gotta get you going here.

I mean you can talk to me about that and that is a great question and what needs to happen we need to go to Scripture the parable of the talents. Now I know in the parable of the talents that it could be a management of finances. Okay, but it also can be in the management of talents and abilities, and so I think in the parable of the talents again. One got received two and five talents legal to talents and Jesus said good job, good and faithful. The other buried their talent, ability, and Jesus said your wicked and lazy and so the focus by our heavenly father for the three of us for everyone.

For children is on effort and improvement and so I continually stressed the parents do not be concerned about achievement and accomplishment fact I tell kids all-time grades, no matter all that counts is giving a good consistent A- effort with your talents and abilities, and I have seen probably a thousand kids in my counseling practice I have never once asked a child or grades from. I never care about their grades at telnet now. If they tell me a great guy and I appreciate their effort. I say you know I'm proud of, but what I do Jim and John is I will go through each of their subjects and I've done this thousands and thousands of times and I'll ask your youngster what your grade in math. If they say Dr. Schrader. It's a B- will then always go up by just 1/3. And I say what will it take to increase your grade. What would it take to improve your effort to be and so with each subject that's what parents need to do when parents get the report card they need to go through the report card not focusing on the outcome totally focusing on effort and improve their so many good life skills being developed and that that's were we as parents get a little paranoid to fit their more in the DF range and you you're really concerned about their ability for the output, but let let's move to the to the 4R's describe what the R's are and what they're about. The first star is relationship.

The most important goal. The main objective for every parent is to build a strong parent-child relationship. It all begins there. Think about for us as Christians, the stronger our relationship is with Jesus Christ. Yes, the more we want to live a godly life. The more we want to follow the 10 Commandments, the weaker our relationship with Jesus, the less concern we are about living a godly life of following the 10 Commandments. Likewise, when a child has a strong relationship with their parent.

Jim and John the end they are willing to follow the lead.

The guidance to nurture the encouragement by a parent toward a godly life. Dr. Randy when you look at parenting and you break it down to the simple form is that the most important thing to maintain in the special I'm thinking the teen years maintain that relationship because that in the end will be.

What counts more than their performance, their behavior where they're at. Spiritually, at 1415. Maintaining that relationship will be the right thing at 24, 25, 30, Jessica, Jim, you hit the nail right on the head.

I found that that is the main goal of parenting up strong parent-child foundation and how to achieve that it ended leg talk about that my simple habits for effective parenting book.

It's too simple yet effective habits that so often, parents don't know what to do how to do it, and specifically they need guidance. Okay, we got relationship is the first are let me have John's break and they will come back to the second are you listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and our guest today is Dr. Randy Schrader's ring this great book as he is just mentioning simple habits for effective parenting look for copy and our website if you would please so the link is in the episode notes and or numbers 800 K in the word family right we have relationship what's next are the next star would be routines and there's a lot of healthy routines there is a morning routine. A course in research is found that the when the first five minutes for a child or positive that often leads to a positive day for child so avoiding the seas complaints criticism correction condemnation so important. But there's bedtime routines mealtimes, mealtimes are one is one of the most simple yet effective habits that so often is missing in families and mealtimes together lead to a lot of positives there's prayer time together and I think one of the top 10 simple yet effective habits. Jim and John would be monthly date you child that is absolutely essential and so many parents hundreds and hundreds of parents have told me that you sure that's what turnaround my relationship with my child is at monthly date you child. If I could tell one story just kinda highlight how important it is. I saw a 15-year-old and his dad had a horrible relationship and that that when they came into counseling. The 15-year-old actually gave his dad orders and said that you sit in that chair opposite on the soap that had the interesting thing a counselor and here he would not let the dad sit with them on the self and how I'd found out that update your child. By the way, I should say Jim and John is usually going out to eat for 45 to 60 minutes. There's no problem talk all way to the date during the date all the way home and so is just a positive parent-child time so I found out the teenagers to favorite restaurants. One was an Italian and I ask you mess it, we go out to eat with your dad on Saturday lunch and I remember he looked right at me, said Dr. Schrader, did you hear me what I been saying the whole session.

I don't like my dad. Wow as but I convinced Dean. He went out to eat lunch.

I had the dad till the sun during the session.

I will not criticize correct complaint or condemn the whole date so halfway through the meal.

The teenager picked up his spaghetti and meatball and stuffed it in his mouth with his hand with his aunt Annie finished the meal with his hand. He spit poking his dad and his dad could hear me echoing do not use the seas well.

The dad actually Jim and John had more self-control and restraint that I had, because if you can believe it.

The dad did not correct them on the way home.

Nothing Saturday afternoon nothing Sunday nothing Monday, Tuesday, when dad came home dad asked the son if you pick that Italian restaurant would you please use it for next time.

The 15-year-old smiled and said sure Dan turned their relationship around out the Dan Jim and John used most of the simple yet effective habits and simple habits were effective parenting made a huge difference, and they developed a strong parent-child relationship at that date your child began it, and so that is a huge routine. I think for every parent responsibilities responsibilities, household chores, and task build a child's self-esteem help a child develop confidence in a household chores and responsibilities lead to adult.

That's right yet. That's what's going to happen as an adult. In marriage you get a bill to daddy saying exactly the last of the 4R's as rules course moms and that yeah what are the rules you love the rules and that usually you're right usually Jim and John that that's the most focused area and yet that can lead to struggles LOL yeah yeah and and and actually the rules if a parent-child relationship is strong. Rules are usually not an issue for child and if I could just mention quickly. The R should be in this direction relationship plus a healthy application of the rules equals a responsible, godly decision-making child. However, what happened so often if rules are the primary focus, minus that strong peer child relationship now were to see a child that probably becomes rebellious and defiant. So rules are secondary in the other aspect to that is most parents are not sure, and are not able to lovingly apply the rules in an effective manner and if we have time we can get to how that can happen. Well hopefully we will in a you know I think we can hit it right now. I think that balancing factory notes.

I think we think of it as a light switch rather than the dimmer switch rightists are young and we need to understand. I think parents to get tripped up on if I'm loving my child if I'm developing my relationship with my child than I can struggle applying the rules to give us the boundaries have had to do both well.

Yep it in terms of applying the rules and no giving consequences are taking away privileges.

It begins with a question will you please so many parents choose a sentence and that does not give a child. Also to make decisions.

Children need to make decisions in the home and so if I said you you through a courtesy. Jim and John and say please switch seats well, even I use please that's a sentence which is a command to demand in order to do it. I didn't give you a chance to say no thank you, and that can create friction in a parent-child relationship.

So what needs to happen is I ask you, will you please switch seats. Now you have the freedom of choice. You could say sure will switch or no thanks will stay will rent so the first step is always to ask, will you please. Most of the time it needs to be a question every once in a while can be a sentence with the police but 90 to 95% time it needs to be, will you please.

Now I could see myself when the boys were younger going will set which state that's not what you're saying that that's actually Mike and the fact that a parent you have your right it there needs to be the will you please needs to be a loving, encouraging to be strong, sincere, dictate it sincerely got it needs to be loving and encouraging. Will you please. Okay, so the child says no yes, let's say that the parents as we please be respectful okay then it goes to either or you decide either be respectful or go to your room for 10 minutes. You decide.

Do a timeout, do a timeout and if the child still continues to be disrespectful than the parent and this is what's absolutely essential in this I think causes more rebellion and defiance in the home as much as anything is that up here and not use the pronoun I I'm in the city room I is controlling.

It's not being a leader is being a boss micromanaging as to what needs to happen. The parent needs to say you decided to go to your because you're being disrespected, put it on the child that it's with the child's decision was it apparent the need to feel that they were not being disrespectful and so it's always you decided because the other thing that happens frequently with the pronoun I so many parents use the word punishment and I've had hundreds and hundreds were over thousand parents and never realize that punishment was not a healthy word and it's not. It creates defiance itself. So many parents the animal to punish you by sending you Ruby for being disrespectful.

I want to punish you by not let use your cell phone. It needs to be you decided because and I can tell you it Jim and John. It took me many times a practice to learn. Will you please either or you decide you decided because). I again these are great concepts that you covered in simple habits for effective parenting that one right there either do this or you go to your room for your timeout and I wish I would've had the tool I think I you and I didn't deploy it because I just didn't know that yet and that just in it does help the child, especially the thinking child.

The realize oh I actually control this yes and that's a good thing. Yeah, that's what parenting is all about is helping a child succeed without parents and so the more decisions Jim and John a parent gives a child at home because we know that once they get the teen years there's gonna be some major decisions going on and they need to be equipped to make those decisions you talk about something called grandma's law only because let's grandmas I got to know Graham Van Zandt. Probably I would say it's an easier one to learn, and it probably D's has destress more families than any other simple yet effective habit increased in the effective parenting book and grandma would say to this when you have eaten your vegetables and chicken then you may have a piece.

The part that you so it's grandma's law is when you then you okay and you then you when you then you edit a lot of parents will use.

If you then you if you then you actually does not display confidence in the child so I best story I'd I have the I saw dad who came in to me without mom actually seeking simple yet effective habits and he said we can get our 15-year-old cleaner bathroom and I said Dan I said you're gonna love this.

I said you grandma's law. When you then you I heading practice.

It go home. Ask your daughter will you please. He said, and by the way the debts that we have threatened we've intimidated. We bargain. She just will clear bathroom. As I sit. When you go home again like you said Jim needs to be loving.

Would you please him your cell phone got the cell phone said when you clean your bathroom then you may have your cell phone back and endeavor walked away that don't not associate yet that boy did negotiate but it's whose decision so daughters determines which itself will back about 15 minutes later. She said the bathrooms cleaned that he went in there. The sink was still a little dirty. He said when you clean the sink, then you may have your cell phone and walked away yet about five minutes later went back in sink was clean and gave her cell phone.

I maybe came in and he had a big smile on his face and he said parenting is gonna be so easy.

Parenting is never easy her left leg, knees, even my wife and I is not easy for anybody, but I said that when you then you will destress your relationship with your daughter. Why do you think these phrases are so effective when they work while they work because they put the responsibility on the child.

The child needs to make decisions and I can tell you when I've had numerous parents tell me and this is when a parent knows they have the tools down is when they hear their child saying to them either. Or you decide either or you decide when you then you when you then you I am tired of making all these decisions in the home.

That's when parents know that the child is it sinking in that they're having to make decisions but there are again significant decisions in the teenagers and young adult years. One thing I want to make sure we capture the end you do stress the need for humor in a relationship, laughter smiles, etc. because it can get a little daunting for some parents, they feel they're always the police officers are always the judge are always the jury and that you want to make sure life has some high moment fund some laughter, some smiles just as you said. So how do you as a parent. Make sure those moments are occurring. You hit the nail on the hit Jim positive humor increases relationship parent-child satisfaction and just enhances the whole family atmosphere. Laughter, exercises, muscles, laughter reduces blood pressure, laughter increases oxygen to tissues and so no parents need to often. One of my suggestions for parents when they come in for counseling with her youngster. When the youngster struggling is that they watch comedy movies comedy TV shows and I encourage you no parents and child laugh out loud and I usually have the child pick the comedy movie or the content needs to be healthy. Of course not. In it, but yeah so that it and parents need to frequently smile and I think a key question for moms and dads. How often do you laugh, you know whether it's a TV shows how often do you smile one of the things I've never had the course the privilege of meeting you two guys, but one of the things I've enjoyed about this privilege and pleasure is you guys both have a great sense of humor and you laugh and you enjoy life and in that so important, if for a family living in with this question.

Dr. Randy because for the parent that struggles mean they have had this fight going for maybe a few years now. Maybe that son or daughter there started at seven and started displaying this controlling defiant behavior, etc. and now it's 13, 14, and some of those big decisions like you described are occurring in or whether it's poor habits of taping or drugs or pornography. Whatever might be. How does that parent mix all of this together and try to really change the trajectory of the relationship.

First, all the 4R's that you mentioned. And there's this serious nagging in the back of their mind that if we don't get this right.

It's hard to find humor in that moment when the pressure is on. When your child is misbehaving to the point of destructive behavior and how you can find the lighter side of life and God's heart for this child when it's nothing but pain right now. That's a big question. Well, it is a big question in something we do not have time to talk about are the the ace of affection and attention, appreciation, and if so those can make a huge difference, especially positive labels, but I think parents need to let my favorite sentence in life is I am for ever forgive three of us are for ever forgive and to the blood of Jesus Christ would have eternal life in heaven. Parents need to say I'm forever forgiven for the mistakes that I've made my wife and I made mistakes that we are forever forgiven for, and parents need to get that for ever forgiveness to their kids as well. And that's the parallel we need to think about it in the Lord makes is so simple, forest, marriage, parenting. How does God interact with us.

How do we perceive the Lord our father in heaven and those of the attributes that we need to deploy in our marriages and in our parenting so will stated I love it. Thank you Dr. Randy for being with us is a great book simple habits for effective parenting. I think he felt the energy of what's here in of the many good things that you can learn in the statements of the 4R's.

The forays which that acceptance, affection, attention, appreciation. This is core stuff. John and I know that we often will make the offer you to make a gift of any amount that become a monthly sustainer focus be part of the ministry and that's what were inviting you to to do. It's not about the dollars we would love to invite you into that and will send you a copy of Dr. in his book, is our way of saying thank you if you can do that but if you cannot afford it. Will I keep this content from you. Get in touch with us. Talk to her counseling team need to ask the questions you need to ask and and will send you the book as our way of supporting you and will trust others will take care of the cost of that we believe in the content that much. It's a resource you need is apparent which please get in touch.

Try to use some of your phrases herein that we have. Please get in touch with us. Let us know how we can help. Donate.

As you can get that book and also take our free parenting assessment. It's all in the episode notes or call 800 K in the word family Dr. Randy again, thank you for being with this is been great. I tell you Ginny and I are honored to be with you guys join us again next time. As we hear from Dr. Lee or he's in shares what it's like to see the end of his patients lives.

But basically the last year of Jill's life in which is tumor came back lost his strength and he ultimately passed away. He described that as investors live Jim Daly in the entirety today for focus on the family. I'm John Fuller inviting back you and your family thrive parent are you looking for an informative and encouraging and engaging resource for your teen daughter. Check out the new and improved free magazine is on the family demo. The original size format trusted biblically-based magazine provides teen girls with ring stories cultural insight and positive role model teen girl lived out the described real magazine.com real name using.com