Mothers and Sons: Being a Godly Influence (Part 1 of 2)

Parenting is tough in my hands like Julie need encouragement when they feel overwhelmed and the first thing I did was turn on the Focus on the Family podcast about parenting. That is my go to is there's always a topic that is relating to what I'm going through at the moment I'm Jim Daly this season. Help us give families Hope and when you give today. Your donation will be double donated focusonthefamily.com/joy I found out that I was having a four way I was really excited also nervous having three things. There is never a dull moment.

Out of the blue grab you and hug you that love you mom always activity and roughhousing exciting for a while because you're the most important woman in his life that you also know that sometime in the near future. You're no longer going to be that if you have one or more boys growing up in your home probably really this is the best of 2021 episode of Focus on the Family and will be exploring the world of moms and sons in the trim and its influence that a mother can have on her boy your hostess focus president and author. Jim Daly and John Fuller, John, I'm all in on this broadcast today because we've lived it. There were still living in my poor wife Jean has to deal with in all guy family and she's learned that boys will often act in ways you don't expect specially as mom. I remember wrestling with written Troy in the basement and G would say I think you're getting a little rough. You better lighten up. But I said no.

This is what we did was boys you throw each other around and across the room and jump on you to cry but man that is really what it's about. Good memories from when they were little, because now for the rest of you, Dena.

My wife can relate one that I came home and she looked at me and she just said he hurt me again only whacked me in the head.

So boys seem to be endless bundles of energy they are and it's nonstop but you know what it's all good and that's why I'm excited to return to a wonderful conversation we recorded earlier this year with Ron to stop. She has a lot of energy and passion for helping mom. She really does rod is an author, speaker, evangelist, and the pastor's wife and she identifies herself as the no regrets woman she's been mentoring wives and mothers for more than 20 years and today were going to hear about her book mom's raising sons to be men.

Now this is an important conversation for both moms and dads to lean in and listen as we begin this best of episode of Rhonda welcome back to Focus on the Family for great light boys of really trained you well. I'm sure you've had a few buttons pushed with bringing up boys what what is a memory of yours that really sticks out.

That's kind of the funny example of bringing a boy oh boy will I have had raised two sons and two daughters perspective of the two of them just comes to mind. This is my favorite. I love the story when my son Brandon was just a little guy like six years old. He was in a Christmas program little red cardigan sweater on anything in a song and I whistle really that with them on an 80 acre ranch and when the kids time to come home. I did this whistle and so when it Disneyland. I do that whistle and put my hand up and the kids emerge out of the crown. They find me. So he's singing his song and I was clapping and he looks he finds in the audience and he winks at me and I and that name is dude and so I over the years whenever Brandon would do anything. He's a musician he's played for some pretty amazing worship music and and toured with some people and now is a worship leader in Southern California, but whenever I get to see him play or be something huge room full of people, but I'll whistle find me and he will blink his mama and that's our thing and then what I he's married to Jesse now and Jesse.

They lived in Nashville and she was standing in at church in a row in front of another woman named Haley, and Brandon was playing and Haley was reading mom's raising sons to be men and she read that little story about Brandon winking at me and she sent me a picture of Jesse's back and Brandon on the stage and she said he winks at her now all is supposed to be healing said her now. He plays from the stage and he finds her knee and that's what we want. We want them to relate to us in a way that is can a transfer with your spouse. That was fun about the stories your husband Steve before that when you met were kind of interest to him. He went to that's right thinkers think about is my grandkids winked back and given mentioned that you had two girls and two boys raised two boys and two girls. One of those distinctions. What did you see I may we read all the research we see all that stuff about how boys will take anything and turn it into kind of a weapon against her brother, and then the girl sit down and talk and have tea. You know what you think of that research and the fact that there are these gender distinctions that are normal because God does things physiologically to our brains and are in the process you set it up so men have a testosterone wash, we lose about half the connections in the left and right side of the brain. That's why I think women are just like spaghetti referred that before with guests here in the men we ran Panthera.

Yeah, we can compartmentalize you know we have that ability to do that. Did you see that as a mom of both girls and boys and what's interesting is art part two boys were so different yeah and very masculine is very creative and musician right and then Tony did not come to our family till he was 15 years old and I tell Tony story in mom's raising sons to be men and it was amazing just to watch the transformation in his life, but Tony was you note valedictorian at school football player overachiever. He was the captain of the football team roughhouse. Brandon was more creative.

He played the piano.

He played the drums.

He played the keyboard. He played the guitar. He's a musician I he still had a love for sports, but his passion was that when Tony moved in with us he would try to roughhouse with Brandon and wrestle with and try it.

You hotel but you need to go out for football and you needed this and you need to that and academically, Tony was like venison and I had to pull Tony aside. Steve and I and we were like he's not you. You are awesome with the achievements that you are achieving, but you not the standard, and we don't want Brandon because Brandon just totally looked up to this new big brother that he had in his family. We don't want Brandon to think he has to be like you.

In order for him as a man and Tony was so precious because that's not at all what he intended. So he took that information and process it and had to celebrate Brandon's accomplishment even though it wasn't you know, playing basketball or football or all of those things with with Brandon the first time you held him as a mother is your little boy you just give birth to Brandon what's that like scary daughter first and you know it's like I get it. I get her scary or intimidating because you raising a man and I think that's where this title.

Mom's raising sons to be men comes from because we get so caught up in the moment of every day just survival. We forget that God has called us to this incredible ministry of motherhood to raise me and I never thought of that.

Is it more comfortable using generally for mom to raise a daughter comfortable because there is that whole were so similar, but I think we get each other okay. But with us, then I was completely out of my wheelhouse. I didn't know how does this boy think there were transferable lessons from your relationship with Steve that you could take different because you are establishing daily interaction with them how to get a perceive women how they're going to perceive the Lord how they're going to oftentimes our children emulate the marriage that we have in their own marriage is a boy will choose a wife that's a lot like his mom or if the opposite pendulum swing ion someone is nothing like my mom which that can be healthy sometimes to there's just so much you're holding the sweet face little boy and I remember for the first 10 years of his life. You know that gentle soft little skin and I take a nap in my daughters, Becky took a nap. Again, my somebody like mama did you get a good nap.

I might do that. I remember when he started pushing me away when he reached adolescence and I remember feeling betrayed because it was like you and anybody you know and Steve been youth ministry for 18 years.

I had watched this phenomenon of young boys pushing their moms away, but in my mind is like nothing can happen. Brandon we are so close, but here's with interesting and were skipping ahead what we were to talk about.

But what's interesting is this.

There's no coming of man ritual in our culture. I wish there was. Wish you could send him on walk about town to pee on a rock kill something cold, we could tell you that it And call you a man.

No doubt you're a man. The main understanding in our culture is don't be a mama's boy. So our sons hit about 10, 11, 12, you'll know when it starts happening start smelling funky yeah and and and they start to push mama way I saw this in so much in youth ministry as well as in my relationship with Brandon, but I needed to have Steve's perspective in and that what is it look like so as Brandon started pushing me away. I was tell moms adolescence. You have a choice either hand.

Then their manhood or their coming of man ritual is in a fight you for it. They're going to push you away and Brandon would say things and get this right away.

I was like you know you know you can't go downtown with those boys and go skateboarding and it's like he would say you know you never let me or if you cared about me and I'd be crying like an Brandon says this and and I quoted him in mom's raising sons to be men. He said when my mom stopped crying. I knew had lost the upper hand because at some point I was just like I can't do this anymore. He knew what to say to push my buttons making acting like he's questioning my love for him which he was just trying to want to go skateboarding with a friend.

You're one of things that you mentioned in your book. Mom's raising sons to be men is the need, the necessity for moms to be meant toward by other women, especially older women. I think you call it the mommy club described that because in our culture today. It's hard to connect that way because lives are busy, there's always a to do list is longer than time and so how would you encourage a young mom of boys to find that mommy club for me.

I knew I wasn't the mom I meant to be, and I knew I was just putting out fires. I wasn't guiding their hearts. I was just surviving. I was just wanting them to obey because it made my life easier just pick up your socks for goodness sake, how hard is that.

And I was insulted when they wouldn't do it and I found that I was walking around expecting them to measure up to my expectations and when they didn't.

I felt offended by them or I put too much in my schedule. Any given day.

It's funny because I got 10 grandchildren now and Steve and I just watched a two-year-old and three-year-old and then as we drop those off.

We watched the another two-year-old and four-year-old of the other daughters and all I did was sit with them all a very different approach and that is what got them though like it's a different because you don't pack so much in your data, you have to get accomplishment number moms were just trying to do everything that's on our plate. Sometimes we do too much and it's maybe time to back up and say my first priority is this ministry of motherhood in my ministry to my husband. If you're still married to the father of your children.

But it's how can I prioritize so I knew I needed help. I knew that my family was riding the roller coaster of my emotions and I knew that I wasn't doing what I wanted to do as a mom, so I looked to other moms and I asked them for help and what was interesting. One woman, her name is Molly Vaughn and Malia talked about them in mom's raising sons to be men. We were at my husband's mother's house and shed those little humble glass figured their collector doing shows, not what humble they are collectible and their little four-year-old son reached up to touch this little figurine and Vaughn was talking to Steve and his mom was talking to Stevie… I bought Adam, don't touch that, and he kept talking to Steve and Steve went how to do that because Adam pulled his hand away.

There was no raised voice. There was no and I was like I didn't know what you know so Molly and Vaughn became our mentors and Molly was learning to do here at the time so I would going once a week my hair to practice on. It was the 80s the prims were enemy and I had every airtight. Imagine and she just shared with me like stop what you're doing get down look in their eyes and tell them this is what I want you to do this is what I don't yeah and then she cannot tell me what I just said to you know how to make know what was the consequence I was going to give you. I will not coming in on the phone whatever. Instead, it's like, that's your priority right and make them look you in the eye. That was an aha moment for me that I needed a mentor in my life to tell me that and so that was the value. Another amazing thing that I think of with Don and Molly.

When Meredith when one of our kids was at it, and he was Meredith. Yeah, she was young she schedule her daughter Meredith. Yes, she was given around after church is pregnant with Brandon at the time making noise and we were just visiting with friends and she was just giggling and doing her thing. I kept pushing her and Vaughn asked me to have a conviction about her not doing this in the church did like it's a holy place and I still wanted to do it. He kept pressing me until I said I want people to think I'm a bad mom and Vaughn said never raise your kids for what people think about you.

If you're not listening to anything else at all today I'm to say what he said again, because it changed my life never raise your kids for what people think of you want to stop user just today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly I'm John Fuller and will direct you to our website to find Rhonda's book mom's raising sons to be men. You'll find it in the episode notes for this podcast around.

I was really intrigued by your observations about King David's mom.

We normally don't think you can do nothing about his mom. What caught your attention about the kind mom. King David must've had the first thing is her name is not mentioned in the Bible.

I mean, I like are you kidding she raised David King David and she doesn't get a shout out with her name, but what I love about the story of King David is you know, we know the story when he was gonna fight the giant and he goes to Saul and he says also I am fine right now is like a 17-year-old when God gets a hold of you know, but when God gets a hold of the teenagers heart writer and Satan knows that he comes to kill, steal and destroy. We get to be that the mother in there that guards and guide them.

But he tells Saul God gave me victory over a line and he gave me victory over a bear. I know he will give me victory over this giant timeout teenager when this little boy fight a lion and a bear when he was protecting his father's sheep on a hillside. I can tell you if Brandon came home and that hate had the most amazing thing happened at work today God gave me the strength to fight with my bare hand, a lion in the next day there.

I'd like and when Brenda left the room. I think he'll work for you no more work at Yellowstone because we want to protect our sons when when we have to step back and realize this, God sent in God sent that bear because God knew the giant that David was in a fight one day and he needed to prepare this young man to fight a giant with faith in God doing it through him we jump and try to protect our kids. We try to, you know not let any bad circumstances occur or if it does, we question God, why would you let this happen. And when God doesn't answer all that often times we walk away. Think of the story that I tell in mom's raising sons to be men about the battle that my son Brandon had we had planted a church in Lakeway, Austin, Texas and Steve was out of town and Brandon had a severe seizure and he had to be hospitalized with a 28 minute seizure and I didn't know he had anything wrong with him. It was just out of the blue they did at EEGs on his brain, and this is an interesting little site that I love to tell. They did a sleep study things glued to his head, and I went over and I kissed him on the temple while he was sleeping and the attack circled with pen on the paper read out and wrote moms kiss and she said they know you're kissing them when they're sleeping and Brent is like six years old then.

So Brandon was diagnosed with severe seizure activity. Okay that was devastating and had to be medicated heavily whenever he grew he would have seizures and so what happened to our bright, articulate little boy was he became so heavily medicated so they wouldn't have seizures that depend on special ed at school just pierces your heart you know when the administrator says it so flippantly.

But as Brandon was having the seizures we kinda got it under control with medication for a while and then one night, he missed one dose of medicine be to take it three times a day. I thought Steve get at times he thought I did, and he had a severe seizure that, and this was after four years of medication and this really changed his personality.

The rest of the stop. He them is crazy and Brandon is the cool kind of easy going kid, but it was during that years of forming his personality that he was heavily medicated.

I was coaching cheerleading at a high school in Lakeway at that time, which is if you've ever been to Texas football game you understand what that means and we had expected Brandon to know hit one out of the Parker run went down the field and hear the crown glory in our son's accomplishments as an athlete to play sports, but what we found was while we were planting this church with praise band practice in our home and Brandon would sit behind the different musicians and he could just play and this kid is so talented musically, but one day he had to severe seizure, and we had kids coming to Christ 200 teenagers in our house every Wednesday night. They trashed it and I went in my room and I wept at the foot of my bed.

I told God I quit. I'm done. We're serving you were leading these kids to Christ and you can't heal my son and then in a moment at the hidden God's word in your heart you won't sin against him when you're ready to walk his word will speak to your heart.

In the stillness and quietness of my mind I heard in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you and I wish I would've said okay but in my said I have no idea how any good can come of this. I don't know how to say thank you but I will say thank you. With my lips and I will leave it for you to change my heart because I'm ready to walk, but God calls us to obey because it's what he calls us to do not because we feel it and as I said thank you.

With my lips and as I chose to think on what was good.

Eventually we started noticing this amazing musician emerge out of our son Brandon and I would've raised an arrogant little athlete I wanted to hear the crowd glory and my son's accomplishments. God got me out of the way helicopter him on the one that would've you mad because the lion and the bear came but got sent back because he was molding my sons character and God said, I don't want to bring the cloud crown to glory in your son's accomplishments amenities Brandon to raise him up to bring the crowd to glory in my sons accomplishments through worship and my son Brandon has has grown up in it. He's he serves the Lord as a musician and he leads worship at a church in Southern California. He's toured with some amazing Christian bands. But what if I walked mom if you're listening right now and you're in a difficult situation. We been in ministry long enough that we've seen moms walk away when God lets them down the net lion and that bear comes in your like if you're a good God, how could you, how would you, isn't that the sin that the serpent betrayed and deceived Eve by questioning God's goodness. If God were good. He would like to have this fruit.

But what happens. I've seen it over and over is moms walk away dads due to because if God love my kitty wouldn't let this, whatever that circumstance is but if were truly his, we will come back.

He will work and draw us to repentance how well it costs how long did that take though it's out your putting that together yeah it's it's the right path, but are you talking a couple years with Brandon. Was it for five years.

I mean, is this begin to emerge for you. Months of nuclear perspective is a four-year process of him coming to this place where we could actually see him becoming this musician that it was really pretty. When I when I wept at my bed and God convicted me to be thankful. When I chose to say yes and be thankful. He began doing the work on my heart because resentment steals kills and destroys all that God wants to do.

We can even pray powerfully affect the book of James is the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous one accomplishes much but when I'm holding onto resentment and unforgiveness, bitterness against God for allowing a circumstance in my life for my husband for not measuring up to my expectations are being the dad I think he should be.

That renders my prayers powerless. I am exchanging being Moses on a hillside with my arms in the air, interceding for my children who are down there fighting the battle I'm exchanging that powerful prayer to hold onto a resentment and Satan loves that because he knows the most powerful resource we have as parents at our disposal is a powerful prayer life for our kids and so I it wasn't long after I told God I would choose to say thank you that he began working on my heart begin to meet him at that point where he's calling you to obedience and let him change your heart run as we wrap up they want and I want to come back next time and will continue the discussion and talk about some of his biblical observations. This is good stuff that's again right in the wheelhouse of those of us living the dream moms raising some stupid men for us husbands when we were watching the course.

We have our role-play as husbands, but today were concentrate on the unique relationship between moms and third. Their boys explain the concept of appealing to the man he will become. If you put that in air quotes appealing to the man he will become what does it mean first of all in and can you sure story about how you did that with Brandon. We have to realize that our sons think, oh you just want to control me to so long as I live. I just want to do my thing. You want me to be your little boy forever.

That no I don't.

I want you to not live here forever helping them understand. I remember telling Brandon. We'll want you to be here forever.

He was probably I think he was 15 years old because he has permit and I was driving and we live in a Canyon mountain winding road which you want take your life in your hand, sit in a car with a 15 desert motion that with our drive home every day and you know men communicate shoulder to shoulder, and he is not looking when they're about 10 years old you get them to look you in the eye, like we talked about earlier, Vaughn and Molly Tony looking at but it's not rebellion when they start not necessarily looking at you, you know, but they're just so Brandon would drive his car.

I would be able to have great conversations with him and I remember one day he was saying why can't I listen to secular music and my friend to listen to secular music and you won't let me. And I'm not in on like an essay you should or shouldn't. I will say this in 18 years of youth ministry. When kids started rebelling.

My husband's first question is what kind of music are they listening to lecture because they get in their heart and mine. So as were driving I Brandon we want you to be the man God's calling you to be. We are here to help you get there and I remember the work that God did in you to raise you up to be a musician for the Lord, and if the Bible says as a man thinks in his heart so is he.

If we let you feast on the music that the world has. That's what's going to come out of you. That's the songs you're gonna write that's that the way you're going to use your talent and we really believe God has a calling on your life and work for you becoming the man God wants you to be. But we have to help you guard your heart and your mind and so Brandon later says I wanted to argue with that.

I knew you were right. So he just got real quiet and you know just kept driving but the reality is we have to point them toward the man. They're going to be as like if I let you listen to secular music. You might say some high school band. You know dance and not be yet.

That's your glory days, but if you use this talent to God's given you for the Lord. I know in your heart. That's what God has created you for and it's what you long for were here to help you get there with hillock here to help you become that man well mom this one of the best things you can do to help your son become the man God really do appreciate Ron to stop his encouragement on this best of episode of Focus on the Family. Rhonda has a gift for connecting with the mom's heart and spurring her own to be a godly example to her family and I think it's obvious why this was one of our most popular programs of the year.

We like to help you become the best mom you can be by sending you a copy of Rhonda's book moms raising sons to be men. We've only scratched the surface of this wonderful content and will continue the conversation with Rhonda next time if you can send a gift of any amount Focus on the Family today will put a copy of her book in your hands.

So that's our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry.

We also have our team of great Christian counselors if you're dealing with an issue in your marriage or your family that needs that kind of one-on-one discussion. One of our counselors can listen to your story. Pray with you and direct you to additional help. That's why were here it is to help your family. We really do want to assist in any way we can and her number is 800 the letter a in the word family 800-232-6459 or donate and get Rhonda's book or connect with one of our counseling team members got all the links and something we've developed here at focus for both moms and is our free parenting assessment it's online really easy to fill out and give you a good overview of what's working in your family and maybe an area or to where you can prove to link over Tibet assessment on the website. Plan to join us next time. For part two of her conversation with Ron for now on behalf of Jim Daly and the rest of the team here. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back here as we continue the conversation with Ron to stop once more help you and your family thrive in Christ. Christmas memories and sharing stories with your family that's depicted in the play from Focus on the Family titled family traditions this story and paid by artist Morgan was a lively family kitchen sink will find a special place in your home. Find out how to get a signed version of the special edition print focusonthefamily.com/family traditions. That's focusonthefamily.com/family traditions