Building Courage in Your Family

Hi this is Jim Daly with Focus on the Family. I will let you know about an online experience called sea life, 20, 21 in the six episode video series were sharing stories and encouragement that will inspire and empower you to live out your pro-life views. You also discover valuable resources to help step up and get involved in the cause. This is a digital experience, you and your family won't want to miss all the details are Focus on the Family.com/sea life, I can't help but think that God has created such strength and power sees place to spirit within us to live in this dark world and the church is walking around terrified of cats. When Jesus is saying there is a lion with you. That is the power of the Holy Spirit now live in love and stop being driven by fear.

That's Kevin Thompson and he's our guest today on Focus on the Family. Thanks for joining us. Your host is focus Pres. and Dr. Jim Daly and I John. John hears a billboard statement. God does not want us to live in fear. Maybe that's why he tells us often in his word to be courageous. One of the most well love versus on courage comes from the book of Joshua in the Old Testament Josh 19 where God says to Joshua, have I not commanded you. Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Some in the audience were in our pricing yet, but Lord you don't know my circumstance that he does.

He's got it. He knows where you're at is still saying to you. Be courageous and that this world can be driven by fear. I think that should be a distinguishing mark between the church Jesus followers in the world.

We should be people that are fearless and courageous and today were going to talk about that specifically in your home with Kevin Thompson today and I think it's can be a great discussion on looking for this Jim. I think there's a lot of application for many of us and Kevin is the married life pastor with Bayside church in the Sacramento area and he and his wife Jenny have two children Ella and Silas in. He regularly meets with and counsels families and couples and he's a marriage and parenting conference speaker and has written a number of books will be talking today about fearless families building brave homes in an uncertain world, and we got copies of that here. Stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast or call 800 K and the word family. Kevin welcome back to Focus on the Family. Write me back your this time it is your popular trifecta. It is good to have you back and that when we had here it's on marriage things family things obviously this one is really interesting your book fearless families that let's start with a broad question, something I've observed with us in our parenting and in our home and it doesn't always have to be mom. It can be dead to I get that but fear when it rises usually control follows right behind when your parenting fear and control, and I think it is destructive to the relationship with your children depend upon the HME obviously set your kids need control and that a younger age, but those 10 years if you're fearful and that control is rising and you you got a problem, not end.

Makes me wonder if because as soon as they hand you a baby there to feelings that immediately come to you exactly overwhelming love and terror. My first time in your life, you feel a sense of fear that you didn't even realize that you hadn't in fear. Here's what I think the important thing about fearless families fear in and of itself is not a bad thing. Fear can actually be a God given gift.

Think about it if we will shortly. Decades ago, centuries ago we were out on the tundra. We have to scan the horizon. If we saw movement in that moment I'm in fight/flight or fleet kicks in. Right. We have to figure out in that moment. What are we going to do and that's a God given protective nature. But here's the problem. When your wife walks in and says we need to talk fight/flight freeze is not a good response when your teenager Mrs. curfew fight/flight refreeze is not how we need to respond. That's why fear is a good thing. What fearless families is about is that far too often we have given fear. The key to the car and fear does not need to be in the driver seat and needs me in the backseat wicket influences to make us aware of things that we might want to be conscious of, but ultimately love needs to be driving who we are and what we do and yet far too many of us, especially in the home, especially parents have given the keys the family to fear, and now it is leading us to places we do not want to go and here's here's the main message. I think of fearless families. When fear drives it leads us to more fear.

That's good and it's true and it's not healthy. I'm especially coming out of what we've come out of the pandemic and everything there so much for in the culture received in our own extended families, etc. where there's just fear is in the driver seat pride more so right now than ever before.

And you gotta recapture that, especially for Christians and get that under control that you dealt with anxiety and your own family. I want to tap on that amine people are so grateful, I think, to those who are the experts who talk about their own situations and shortcomings that they've experienced. And I appreciate that about your book. What happened in your family that is an example of where fear was in the driver seat SR two children Ella and Silas, and there now in middle school, junior high, upper upper and high school but also other elementary school years at the privilege of the elementary school was just 1/4 of a mile down the road and so it wasn't at 8 o'clock everybody calm the car. Let's go to school. It was literally, I take about hand and we walk in the most fun time for parenting for me was that 3 to 4 minute walk to school every morning.

One morning we got up early typical Ella was in sixth grade. Silas was in fourth and everything was good. Silas was not the back door.

When I expected to be.

I yelled at them to get there and he didn't come somewhat to search one thing can he be looking for his tennis shoes, or his homework or something like that and I couldn't find it and it kind of became a little bit more panicked, until finally I found them, hiding in the corner and I could see by the look on his face just terror in his eyes and this is a straight a student. This is a very obedient child we've never had any problems with whatsoever. You could tell in that moment that something was wrong and for Jenny and I that was day one of what was really a two year journey of beginning to understand the anxiety that had long been going on in his life that had never really surfaced in a way that we could we could comprehend. Looking back, we can definitely see the signs or they are the that the struggle with reflux drawing up the. The difficulty maybe is sleeping and other places with darkness all those things are pretty typical childhood, but in looking back, we can now see how he will struggle with anxiety for a long time. It wasn't probably a year later until counselor helped us and diagnosed him with what's called school refusal which is very common among specifically boys around the middle school age very bright. What's happening is outwardly everything looks okay, but inwardly there's a storm that is going on until one day it finally expresses itself in the way express himself, Silas, was he just morning of school. He was terrified of getting in trouble of not keeping up with the work even though he never experienced any of those things and and that really begin the journey for us and what I found very quickly, as we went through that process was that his anxiety was changing our home.

Our home which it always been the place that we ran back to, which is fine and relaxing. Jenny I both have stressful jobs. We always ran home to find safety and rest. That and the next thing you know is were parenting in the midst of this anxiety. His anxiety is is adding to our anxiety and our whole home became what I ultimately called the home of the afraid were everything we did was an attempt to minimize or lessen the fears either of our children or ourselves and it simply wasn't working. So we had to figure out what we can do in response to that and I you know I guess the key thing there is. You know how did you defuse it over time. I know you talk about the home of the afraid and the home of the brave. So how did you make that move toward and kind of building into Silas and the attitude of courage. Imagine that. Sounds daunting as a parent you're overwhelmed, yet the powerful moment for me came in this moment were worse. I was truly was having a really anxious moment and was being driven by and my wife was there and I was there, and eventually Jenny looked at him and said, Silas, I know you're afraid it's okay to be afraid, but we are not to be ruled by your fear. We are going to love you to the best of our ability and right there.

I thought height that's it. Now didn't solve everything in that moment, but the paradigm by which we needed to to be led through this was right there in that statement that working the feel fear and that's okay to feel it, but we cannot make our choices based on it.

Instead we have to do the most loving action in the moment. No matter what the responses, even if it's scary to love and that moment that's what we have to do. Knowing that love will ultimately give birth to more love was fear will give more birth to more fear than the question becomes which one are we gonna choose an amount not which one would you feel it's okay to feel everything, but you can only make a choice based on what you cannot make a choice based on love and fear at the same time one of those are to be in the driver seat. We have to put love and that sick when I think through your experience, and even Silas today and how he is doing. Have does a person make that choice. How do you convince yourself to allow love to be in the driver seat and not fear. There's a lot of fearful people and I get it and I like the way express that the fears okay. We just need to keep it in the back seat. The question people are screaming right now is okay, how do you do that one of the very first thing you have to do is we had first recognize how fear is ruling us and once you recognize it. Then you can begin to make the conscious choices of okay. I did make that decision based on fear. What would love look like in that circumstance, hoping that in the next time before you actually make the decision. You can pause in that moment and say okay what would love look like here as a family.

If you go through this is a family is a Sunday school classes. A small group, you can begin to hold each other accountable and to call people out over lunch. If you're there with your spouse to say okay is that decision based on fear is based on love and what would love to do in the circumstance and then it literally becomes a lens by which you view everything and it's not just the family. It's the workplace it's the church is the community it imagine what this country would've been like if over the last year.

The number one question on our minds would've been what's the most loving thing for me to do rather than being driven by fear, thereby that's great. Can't wait that and in all seriousness, that is wisdom doing that and that's great. Your grandmother taught you some wonderful lessons. I'm sure like all grandparents do but one particular one that fits with this is her observation and giving and receiving.

Yet what happens with her if the difficulty of love that I think often we don't think about so I grandmother I talked about nothing every time I've been here, by the way is like my grandparents of how influential they were in my life.

My grandmother was 90.

She was dying of cancer should live 10 years longer than the life spanning that she was was dying 10 years shorter than what she thought she was going to and I'm in the hospital with her and one day everybody else leaves which is me in her and she says Kevin this is so hard and I am what I know and dying is difficult and she is now not the dying. She said it's having all these nurses wait on it so difficult. While she was born in 1922 right in her entire life. She'd serve that all she had ever done. She was the workhorse in every way.

And yet what she really always struggled with her entire life was actually receiving love she could live with the best, but actually receive love.

You know I had to describe our church just into two basic concepts of what were trying to do were trying to learn how to be loved and to love to be loved by God and to love him return to love one another and to be loved in return.

That was really what my grandmother was struggling with having been a Christian for 80 years. She was struggling in that moment to actually receive love. When sounds a bit like humility that is part of humility. Being able to receive those things. You can ask is that pride issue that says I'm fine. I absolutely think it can be. I think it's it's an issue that all of us. Love requires vulnerability and to receive.

That is a scary thing. That's just an example of how figures driving us if you and I cannot receive love is because were afraid Kevin you make the case in the book that fearless families keep up appearances black and make that connection you then say fearless families honor the truth and that's rooted in integrity. So in this context. What does integrity look like and how to get there. I think the great temptation for us. It is we we want to fake it till make it in and so we think were in the project and outward righteousness on this goes all the way back to the Pharisees because way back in the Old Testament law. That's right will start a man know that's exactly right. So we are going to project a persona of having it all together of strength of power that goes all the way back in part to the idea of survival of the fittest.

Let's face it, what society says is you don't show a lamp if you're among the herd because you're to be the weakest link and you can get attacked and we have wetted that into our Christian thought were now we Christianize it and we project a Christian persona, not really caring what the truth actually is honestly believing if we can fake it till we make it. Then one day will have our heart right that is a dangerous way to do church is a dangerous way to do marriage to do parenting to do family basic and I and so you know this is a journey of sanctification, and you couldn't rest there. And that's the problem. You don't want to settle for spiritual mediocrity right do not want to just be okay. You want to be improving in your relationship with the Lord and therefore sing it in your behavior in a steady progressive positive way in your relationship with Christ right now absolutely but but the key to that's truth right here is the difference between what were talking us up sooner I talk about in the book. I contrast the home of the afraid with the home of the brave.

So the home of the freight is driven by fear is fear drives you.

We then build and lean on these very natural tools that we think will lessen that fear. And I think about back in second grade when the teacher say draw house to be very a very simple stick figure house, there'd be a floor there be a roof there be two walls. That's what I think so. The home of the afraid is built on the foundation now of safety. We taken a good thing. Safety is gonna be safer is that the good thing but we idolized. We made a God thing.

And now we are chasing after something that we cannot fully control drive as slowly as you want to drive that does not guarantee that you won't be in the correct eat as healthy as you want to eat that does not guarantee that you won't have diabetes now we can choose to do those things and it can lessen our possibility, but it doesn't guarantee it and we have taken safety which is a good thing and now idolized it to make the foundation upon which the modern home is built, and even the modern church is built. Think about this. How many times did Jesus ever say is it safe that they go one he never did. That doesn't mean he's asking us to do foolish things, but safety is not the ultimate thing for God. Instead, the home of the brave, now driven by love is built on a different foundation.

While safety is is considered it's built on the foundation of trust. Trust in God's love for us is sovereign control over our lives, and an abiding trust in one another were learning what it means to be trustworthy, which means this this concept of integrity is so important I had to make sure that Jenny has a right to trust me just to make sure that she has a right for me to trust her, but it's a different way that were operating out of life and so that that home of the afraid and the home of the brave. It's built on the foundation of either safety or trust minutes underneath the roof of appearance when fear drives us.

We find safety in appearances where I can really let people know about that addiction will not let them know about that grief about that struggle to pretend as though we have it all together, out of fear of thinking if they find out they might use that against us.

They might manipulate as they they might look down on us in some way.

But when love drives us instead of using the roof of appearances we now live underneath the roof of the heart. The writer of Proverbs will say above all else, guard your heart. Keep your heart is like a father now saying to the sun. The most important thing in life is going to be your heart and when you and I and marriage when and when and parenting in church in life. When we put our hearts fully on the table is okay, here's who we are now God changes transform us.

Miraculous things begin to occur, but for as long as you and I are living with the façade got to change that. Yeah that is well said that's so true Kevin. Many people collect things or possessions and use that. I think to make themselves feel better. Obviously, I appreciate a toaster. I don't know about you but I like my toast toasted so there are things conveniences in this modern world there great that I don't think twice about replacing the coffee machine the toaster. The dishwasher was all pretty good. Thanks. Where does that cross the line in materialism where we use the Christian community need to recognize that were medicating through the acquiring of stuff exactly so.

The home of the. The afraid is built on two walls of the foundation of safety under the roof of appearances in the two walls that we tend to lean on the lessen our fears or that a materialism and power and the reality is that fear now drives us to do these two things, whereas love would say we need the walls now of relationship and submission so the contrast here. Materialism is we are going to relate to something we we are created to connect with other people not created in the image of God ultimately to connect with him and yet when sin entered the world relationships became dangerous. Suddenly this person I'm supposed to connect with could hurt me could injure him.

He could kill me. And so we we still have this basic need to connect with things outside of ourselves and yet the thing that were supposed to connect with is a danger.

So we turned to material things because a new car does not hurt my feelings a nice golf club. Now you're not now in any way threatened me a new house does not create vulnerability with in me and not only that material things.

What does it do it adds to our parents lets it a little more in depth. On the other wall. That idea of power craving power that seems to be kind of at the root of so much of the ills that human beings face, speak to that defined yeah and and power not contrasting the submission and I understand the difficulty that word submission.

Our society were living in a time right now are many of our past ills and and failures are coming to light, and rightfully so. And how specially the Christian world. People abuse the submission to hold people down and to do ungodly things, and yet the basic concept is still alive. Ultimately we all need to submit to God first and foremost and then were learning how to submit to one another and in workplaces in leadership and marriage and family my kids all the time. I submit to my kids all the time that let me ask you because some people you might have a very dark sense of what submission is speak to them directly and we talk about submitting to your kids what are you kidding Kevin that's backwards. That's upside down.

This can be permissive children there and walk all over you. What do you mean by that kind of biblical submission in a way of leadership really apart from love submission makes no sense whatsoever.

So in a sin filled world apart from Jesus without grace. You should never submit to anything you should grab hold to as much power as you possibly can because if you don't, somebody else will take it from you and then they will use it against you. But when we believe in Jesus and we begin to submit ourselves to his sovereign controlled his plan over our lives. The idea of the way of love is better than the way fear. The next thing you know whoever wants to find his life must lose it.

Suddenly it's husband's wives, submit to one another, respect and love one another. It is even this concept of we have some basic house rules around our house that if I violate them. My child gets to call me out on that rule not to submit to them in that moment because there is a higher authority that I report to.

I'm not in charge of this house. God is not much I want to call me out that I'm disobeying God. He has that right in that moment I to submit in love to what's going on but we live in such a dangerous world that we honestly believe that if we don't have the control, and maybe that's a better word. Maybe that's a better word for a lot of people that power.

We'll see power. We think we don't have any power the government has power. My boss has power. I don't have any power you have a what about control and we think that as long as we control our lives that we know we won't do it perfectly. We think that we will do it better than anybody else can and that will at least minimize or negate some of our fears, but the reality is, the more we try to grasp hold of control, the more terrified we can become power leads to paranoia.

I messed along his thinking in the context of parenting parenting teenagers you try control and you can end up with distant kids and they're going to go in a direction you don't want to go. One of my favorite stories tentatively put this into perspective is to consider Christmas so young couple grows up.

They get married another guy have the first holiday season together so they come up with a plan of how they're going to do that. There has been Thanksgiving at Her Pl. in Christmas that he is actually going to flip at such a great plan and that moment but along the way some point that the why think yourself you know what you have kids and eventually I will want them to spend Christmas morning. It at our house with her growing up in the husband-wife talk about that okay that will be great.

Will the kids come along and are starting get to that time the wife to bring it up like okay and so finally they had the year that this is the year when my kids are another five or six.

I want them to have these memories but this is the years there supposed to go to his parents for Christmas and so all your long. She sang hey call your mom let her know that this is the year and so he finally calls his mom and his mom and that moment says I will think his mom and that moment will. How should the conversation go. It should be on so disappointed, but I understand new traditions can be for will find a better time you need to do what's right. You put your wife on the phone. I would encourage her and thank her for taking Pere my grandson and that was moved to control and manipulation.

How does that count could you criticize at my Christmas.

This could be Grandma's last. Chris you think about in the event through what the mom is thinking in that moment is if I don't control this right. Christmas is it going to be everything that Christmas can be and fear now tempts her to use power to manipulate with the intention of this can be for everybody's best, but in reality it fractures the family law would be such a better way and you're answering that question that really ultimately is what is the better way and you've set it repeatedly here today and this is been so good Kevin. I hope people can really good grab on to living life in a different way so that brings them peace, right. This is the shalom. We talk about and that rather than chaos. And when you're living in fear and control in those other things living in San really your life can be chaotic. Your relationships are to be chaotic. Starting with your spouse and then your kids and then you keep moving and I so appreciate what you've done here in fearless families to dry out these perspectives that really help you mature in your faith in Christ which is your goal, I know, and we don't do it perfectly, but what a great roadmap you have created here for others. Is there anything is that last question, is there anything you would add to that parent that spouse is listening right now that you maybe, and you're saying you guys are talking exactly where I live right now. What are the one, two or three things they could do to last sue if I can use that imagery to get a grip on that fear and become a brave household. Another fearful household fears can attempting to feel guilty about it and do nothing about it. Love is going to drive you to action in the simple action is this. Maybe it maybe it's the book, maybe just rewatch this interview you get in your head.

The concept of ominous start diagnosing fear and replacing it with love. I'm to have somebody else hold me accountable to that and together we are going to grow and that understanding consider two of the most often repeated phrases of Jesus in the New Testament are fear not love one another.

Let's do that now that is a great admonition.

Thank you Kevin thinking what this is been great. Get a copy of fearless families from us here at Focus on the Family course when you do it helps us to do ministry so you get to front right here getting some great content and a resource to help you and they are also helping other families we can do that either through becoming a monthly sustainer here at Focus on the Family. John and I do that with our wives and it really works. It helps us balance our budget throughout the year or one-time gift.

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