The Pain of Loss Part 2

Hi this is Bernie Dick. Welcome to the Salvation Army's wonderful words of life, I'd Sarah Nolan's back middle school they want over yet he's done it.

I'm so proud of him. It is interesting this time of year eight definitely feel like the gears switching from summertime to the routine of the falling, getting back to activities in charge and that sort of thing so you know where were kind of working through that process right now and in the southern territory this week starts are Bible conference at Lake in Alaska selects her to be a wonderful time is in and there to be studying the book of Ezekiel this week while I feel bad Sarah for you as a parent because I know that is Nolan really gets in the middle school. This is why starts forgetting about his parents owe on my to my questions just have time anymore yes to be Mr. cool as I was going happen. I don't know that it's interesting you say that because I remember my mom telling me long time ago that she felt like she had spent all of her parenting as just getting her child away a little bit at a time all the time like you send them off to kindergarten and he sent them off to middle school and then in understanding his two years ago I sent my daughter off to college and is constantly letting go of her and releasing her in it, and it's hard it really is, but I suspect that, no, no matter what I mean, they're always good to feel like my my babies they are.

You are giving them an opportunity to succeed.

I hope so.

So here in Atlanta schools are starting back this week and next week in our series will discuss the importance of education and the parents role in helping your child succeed this week. The Israel's continue the topic of loss but we now focus on recovery with an emphasis on finding a new normal as it's been, you know, pretty incredible to hear them reflect on this particular time in their life and I'm sure that unless we actually walk this journey with them. We know can't truly understand what that mean of the totality of this experience has met in their life and how exactly does one go about finding a new normal.

When this huge piece of your life is sort of not present with you anymore.

I don't know how to explain it for anybody else but in our own situation when Laura's brother passed which was the first relative that was the immediate family had passed away in our relationship. We desperately didn't want to forget and there's no need to forget about that relative celebrate them and all that the time that we did have with them. Now, does it make the pain go away or the sting when the birthdays, the holidays, near you. Remember that time or you see the family picture. No, but you know there is a purpose for this these things that happen and we if we are willing. God can use that for his good and we can come alongside other people who may be going through that and help them understand it's yes it's going to hurt and it stinks but life is not over, you know I love that idea and I recall that the Israel saying that one of the things that sort of help them the most cope with a note losing their son in this tragic accident was the realization that he wasn't truly lost. He was in heaven with his Savior.

They knew that he was saved and that he was present with Jesus. And what an encouragement. I mean, that is, for me, and certainly for them.

I'm sure no more pain again. If this episode really describes where you are, as you've suffered a loss as well. Let us know how we can pray for you.

Send us an email at radio@uss.salvationarmy.org or call 1-800-229-9965. If you need help finding a counselor or just some of the talk to your local Salvation Army would love to help. We welcome you again to our series on parenting time.

Terry is role with my wife, Donna, we've gone through some interesting and candid discussions.

And if you were with us in our most recent episode.

We discussed the pain of loss we shared and that our own personal experience of losing our oldest child.

Matthew in an automobile accident, and we went through some of things that we struggle with individually and uniquely and so today we come to the point where we want to talk about how to cope with that how to find that new normality of life and how to really reconcile all your relationship in terms of husband and wife parents to children and ultimately your relationship with God. I don't think there was ever a time in my life when I wanted to be normal. More than act as days after the accident wanting things to just go back to routine to be able to just have life be boring if you would. We spoke previously about how we experience the same situation very differently and how we wanted to deal with that. One of the things was I really did not want to speak about Matthew in anecdotal terms in storytelling. It was just to his memory was a bit too intimate to me for it to be what I thought was flippant conversation and yet Donna very much wanted that to share stories to keep his presence within the family just didn't want to lose what he'd given to us as a brother and the boys still looked up to him even though he had been promoted to glory, which is what the Salvation Army terms when someone is passed away so just wonderful flying of having a great sense of a positive influence that permeated throughout our family and yet that made all the more tragic when suddenly he's no longer physically with us, but his presence, his spirit is very much there. So how do you cope with that. How do you find this new family dynamic that becomes something of your new normality and it's a very fine line to walk because you want to remember the brother of the child that's lost but you don't want to make them put them on a pedestal that the other children can never attain several types of things that took place in simple lines we had a lot going on in our family. Subsequent to the accident with caregiving and long-term recovery and all that so it was all the more difficult for us to find our stride and get back to a sense of normal. It's really ironic that Donna would say that there is no greater desire than I'd just like a nice boring day yet for several months. That didn't take place. I remember one time coming down the hall. We found our son Timothy was sneaking out of what had been Matthew's bedroom and condo sheepish looking guilty look trying to cut into his bedroom.

Hey, what's going on and first he didn't want to fess up or what he'd done is he'd gone in and picked out a favorite shirt of Matthews that he wanted to start wearing. And so it's simple things like that that site yet. That's okay that's all right how you deal with it may be entirely different than what I deal with it but were still very much going to take into our lives. The sense of presence of the one we've lost an inclusion that yes, even though they are not physically present with us are still included in our family and it's much more than just a memory. There times we struggled in the relationship situations, and that now, Timothy was the oldest and he started taking responsibilities and stepping into things that he not worried about before, but he did that very naturally without their having to say you're now the oldest. You need to to step up and that the pressure to put on child and he seemed to do it naturally without us having to say anything as rather interesting that we had seen his personality and his role is always, the middle child and had that dynamic. And suddenly he's the oldest brother and he's cast into that light and into that relationship in the family dynamic. And so it was a different experience for him than what it was for us. There was a time where he and his brother would attend a summer camp and that is that time drew near, he said he didn't think he wanted to go to camp and we realized he probably was concerned about how to attend camp without Matthew and so we someone you know, you don't have to go. You can make that decision. But in all reality you and brother would've gone to different camps this year because of the age difference and so he thought about it in a week or so later he said he really thought he wanted to go to camp. It's not forcing our will and the children letting them make those decisions. So we each come into different roles and how we address these things, how we experience grief how we experience loss. So as you cope with that your supporting each other but also understanding each person is unique and you can go about it a little bit differently as we moved through things and learn to cope in different ways for different and in different aspects of things we both had to be involved in things we not necessarily done in the past. Terry took on greater responsibility and in the care for Nathan.

He actually stayed with him at the hospital most days because I couldn't be there and then is the when he came home it was very difficult for us to to figure out how we would work things out because Terry had been the sole caregiver Nathan for over a month and now he was in my role and there was little bit of friction there and we had to work that out to see how things would go and we really saw a role reversal in our new normal. Donna was previously the organizer of the family, the one who put everything together and I was the one that can't set back in and allow things to flow and suddenly those roles were reversed I had to take on responsibilities organization and planning. Donna was injured in the accident have long-term recovery. We discovered that that was God's care for us in dealing with our grief left to her own natural roles. I would've probably gone in to deep dark depression.

God forced me to the forefront of the activity and organizations family. Donna left her own natural role with probably organized everything and never really dealt with the issues she needed to handle God's plan.

She was put on the sideline really had to go through her spiritual so that she can experience that's how we really cannot reconciliation God mine newfound pendency. Hers through deep. Thank you for being with us. We do ask you to join with us in our next episode we will begin to discuss education future plans and working with children as they begin to launch in May God bless the Salvation Army's mission doing the most good means helping people with material and spiritual needs become a part of this mission every time you give to the Salvation Army visit Salvation Army USA.org to offer your support and we would love to hear from email us@radiouss.salvationarmy.org call 1-800-229-9965 or write us at PO Box 2997 to Atlanta, GA 30359 when you contact us will send you our gift for the series. It's totally free for listeners like you, one per household, while supplies last. You can also subscribe to our show on iTunes or your favorite podcast store and be sure to give us a rating to search for wonderful words of life. Follow us on social media for the latest episodes extended interviews and more. And if you don't have a church home. We invite you to visit your local Salvation Army worship center will be glad to see this is Bernie Dick inviting you to join us next time for the Salvation Army