42- Workplace Bullying and Sexual Harassment

Amy cobble life can bring many difficult situations domestic violence addictions, poverty and even sexual abuse by your loved ones welcome Amy cobble in the queue. Amy, coming to pick your we are library Saturday at 1 PM Eastern time I fly on God's care.com relatedness into the shadows to a podcast.

I'm also joined by Dr. poison got off with my partner in life and at work.

Hello, this sale deals with suffering and the tenacity of the human spirit that will justify and encourage to keep moving forward despite any obstacle with the help of God and each other. Thank God it's Saturday that's even possible that I can do this shall, because during the week we have been in trial. The trial of the state attorney is prosecuting Byron Mitchell of premeditated attempted murder one of the dangers of social media was that this was a roommate that answered from Craigslist nearly killed my daughter Danielle Jones once he moved in after two weeks on exactly Valentine's Day 2016 we know what those three years have been like I know what is severely damaged brain adult daughter is like she had a miraculous recovery and appears altogether. At first, but what I didn't know is that severe brain injuries get better over time, only to get Vatican and we really don't know what the future will be like we know this is a lifetime commitment and they say that time heals all wounds, but even if this one doesn't heal. Even if I can no longer reach her.

I can always pray. That is when I let go and let God. And they realize this trial is just a bump in the road, compared to God's greater purpose and may not be easy but how do I cope. First, I remind myself that God is in control. I also know that if God has me this far. There's nothing he and I cannot handle together. I have learned that no matter what the circumstance. God always provides and if there weren't any challenges in life, there would be nothing to fix therefore ungrateful for the good times as well as the bad times, because I do try to keep focus on the bigger picture and I try not to miss the forest for the trees because there is so much more to life and we only have one life to live.

I don't know if were living in borrowed time, or if I will die in my sleep. Tomorrow I only imagine how people will remember me once I'm gone which positively influences my behavior.

Of course, the child should end the Tuesday venues in Miami are covering it just like they did three years ago and regardless of the outcome.

I'm extremely grateful that she is alive and for the most part appears perfectly together. I share this with you because I want you know that even Dell.

I may seem like a had it all together doesn't mean that a team doesn't mean that like this Rosie and it's okay if you don't either you not alone but I promise you it's tolerable that God but since we do speak of any kind of suffering and being there for each other today work on this be a bow bullying in the workplace sexual harassment and assault was that will bullying in the workplace. Do you know of someone who has a boss that acts like a school yard bully. Today we have a special guest Dr. Sandra Howard and offer us some strategies.

Dr. Cynthia Howard, a pioneer of the resilient mindset works in professionals and organizations to get more done by doing less. She is the author of the resilient leader, mindset, makeover and research engagement and stress while pursuing her doctorate a Greenbelt and lean Sigma sent get focuses on value driven solutions hi Cynthia, thank you for joining us here on the care you Amy.

Great to be here. Cynthia I wanted to ask you what are some of the signs that a person presents boss is a bully right to do and how they make you feel you know if you're feeling intimidated or made to feel small.

You know, a lot of times boxes are being half and that doesn't mean that there are bully.

You don't necessarily feel ashamed or you you don't feel like you're being pushed into a corner so I would say some concrete time could be are they embarrassing you in front of other people. Are they using sarcastic humor to hide the fact that they're actually putting you down and trying to make you feel little so they can be. They can feel big there. Maybe they're not telling you about certain meetings so that you end up either coming late to the meeting are not being prepared and so in that way you're made to look like you don't know what you're doing.

Okay so this is not just bosses being taught that there there's some thing going on with the boss is not maybe treating you like the rest of the employees are not letting you in on all the information, or somehow making you feel small or that you are not an equal or worthy anyway is what I'm understanding you lack of perspective and we don't like you said, and in your intro, we don't know what's going on with people that we can weaken. We always want to assume the best about people when they start to treat you in a way where you feel (American indication that there is something else going on and it can be scary because it's in power and percent deposition power. I mean, it's your boss and the person's job may be getting very needed and it might be very important to them. So what would be the best way to handle the situation. If such a situation should arise. The most important thing and it's a hard thing to not take it personal meaning.

Don't assume the role of the victim because that only makes it worse and it puts you in a position where you then take on that identity and powerlessness and it just continues and gets worse. So if you're in that situation.

Ideally, you would look for another job because it's not going to get much better. I mean you can. There are things you can do. Like for example I would keep a diary of exactly what happened. The date the time and the objective facts about what happened because when you do want to go to human resources or if you want to go to someone other than your boss to talk about it.

You want to make sure you have the fact keep the emotions out of it when you're talking to people at work because unfortunately were living in a world where emotional expression isn't always appreciated, so that you come to someone in the workplace and you share how you felt they may discount that you don't part of the problem to have to do with how you personally take what happened. I mean, there are some people who have a very gritty personality either their mentally top. They're not going to necessarily respond to the bully in a way that that lets the bully get away with it. You don't want to confront the bully because they will always win and it's it's not worth the fight. We want to be tolerant, but we don't want to be harassed you. He talked about some of the action. We continue and I think that's very helpful because there's a lot of us that are struggling at work we go to work. Happy we may feel like you're trapped in that situation. Maybe in today's world. There's a lot more opportunity but it's important that we are happy that we feel content where we are and were going to work well come back for those that are just sitting in any capital, and this is the chair if this is your first time tuning in there talking about the challenges at work and were joined by a special guest Dr. Cynthia Howard Cynthia, one of the ways that you suggested handling Abbas must not play a victim wanted you to go into that a little bit more what you mean by that because I believe that our outlook on things. Our perception is very important and we did get what we put in one of the most important one of the most important part of how we feel about ourselves and what we tell ourselves about because that's what gets conveyed and the majority of bullies are not necessarily men or women, but the chart majority of bullies actually seek out women because I give men are going to be bullied. I you know there's a whole lot we could discuss that conversation because women tend to not have the confidence they need in themselves, so they take things personally and I don't want to generalize, but that those are or what the statistics are most people who were bullied or women and probably because you want to please you want to make people happy and deftly a picture box you want to do a good job because most of us need to work so the reason I suggested if you have a blog that is pulling you to look for another job because over time and it doesn't take long.

It can erode your self-esteem is going to completely ripped into your confidence in yourself making it even harder to leave that job and look for another one. Even if it seems like the best job for you.

You know prayer is the answer to a lot of problems that seem like there is no solution, and oftentimes you can. If you praying you let go, like you can come up with an idea that you may not have had prior so how we feel about ourselves really does matter. Well, I guess what you're saying is that bullying is one of those character flaws that we don't want to deal with because it can really play. Yet the number #16 where we may lose a little bit of our self-worth if we allow ourselves to be treated that way are not treated respectfully control other people. What I'm suggesting is that you control how you perceive it.

Someone is doing that to you even if it's your blog, even though you don't want to stand up to them because that's just like standing up to a bear in the woods.

You know you may not win that argument, but what you can do is is not internalized it and think I must've deserved this. Somehow I must not be good enough. I'm what did I do to to cause this person to do this. You didn't do anything. Even if you didn't do your job correctly, even if you made a sense, doesn't does that doesn't mean you deserve to be bullied only have full responsibility for their behavior. Usually they're very insecure even though they might come off as dreamily strong and macho, although you may have a lot of insecurities and they need people to feel small so they can feel bit clean. Cynthia, I want to do change the topic. The other way. I'm a boss so how do I not be able to go to Ms. Botha. How do I not read the great question and in the fact that you're even an asking the question is really helpful because there's a lot of pressure when you running your own business or dwelling here I'm doing right exactly where is the difference just asking the people to do their jobs.

It's funny. We both work together.

I think he compensates its humor to lighten the load independent reduce the pressure. I think one of the ways that bosses cannot be bullies is to develop better relationships with their people and to recognize that rural people. We all like to most people want to come to work and do a great job so that they're not doing a great job. There's something that's preventing them from doing it, and rather than jumping to conclusions and thinking.

Oh well, it's their attitude think is there something in the workplace is getting in the way of them being there about and and doing up after their daily hassles that are better wearing them down and patient with them.

I mean yes GM like an equal basically to go because my employer is an equal because there will have respect. See, I think a kind approach is I don't think I don't think as an equal. I think I word I would use would be as a human being okay on I see somebody like respect.

Okay no everybody will be respected. So I would.

I would try to find out what might be getting in the way of them doing a better job and would argue being clear in your direction.

One of the problems that I think the authors have an grounded in neuroscience, you know, the brain has different networks.

One of them is in here when you're trying to get a lot of work done and it clicks off the relationship network so to speak. So sometimes when bosses have a lot of pressure they can come off as being very tough and very shortsighted, and maybe even not so nice because there in the pressure mode and income how many of them I got our voiceless yes I think there's a difference.

I mean, I think I can tell when somebody is in stress stress now and I think you're right. It's important for us to be able to tell the difference from a boss that's been short earthquakes because he's got a lot on his mind P attention to what you're saying right now than a boss that doing, I mean treating your body and you know just being mean to you or something like that and do your employees. I've got a lot of my mind I need I need to tell you something and I need to make it quick weight you're letting them know you're going to come up with something that sounds short morbid man, but you you given them notice.

Thank you.

That's a very good great suggestion you want to clarify.

Basically that's what it is is letting people know what's going on Sunday. Since I see by confused on the left up in the air know we live in a world with an eight second attention span. I mean between all of the notifications on our different devices and everything else in this global world that we live in you even know if you have your employees attention when you're talking to them.

Most people walk around, distracted, all we talking with Sandy Holick offset an executive coach.

Thank you for being in the sense in thank you for having me in all of it after you. You can find more information on her on the website. I now need a are said not to worry. Juan got his picture.com under gas. It was great having you come back again.

I live back. Thanks for getting in any cabinet and this is the chair you can listen to left every Saturday at 1 PM Eastern on your radio on God's picture.com.

Now we are going to talk about sexual harassment and sexual assault stay in the topic and today's special guest will help us with these topics is Beverly Jill. She may be an angel that it's spelled with an E Beverly Angel is an international recognized psychotherapist acclaimed advocate for victims of sexual, physical and emotional abuse and the best-selling author of 23 self-help books. Her latest book is I'm saying no standing up against sexual assault, sexual harassment and sexual pet pressure. In addition to her professional work. Beverly frequently lends her expertise to national television talk shows.

She has appeared in Oprah, CNN, and starting over as well as many other TV programs.

Beverly welcome and thank you for joining us. Well, thank you for having me Beverly. I why do women have such a difficult time saying no to sexual pressure or sexual harassment. Could you explain a complicated problem but basically there a lot of women were being raised to be what I call nice girl to go along with authority go along with what they don't want. They haven't really found their own boy and so they have a difficult time.

You know, really resist when a man wants them to do something they don't feel empowered enough to also many have already been sexually abused in childhood and they've already lost their emotional drink that Laidlaw don't have all to stand up for themselves. So those are two major reason well I know little bit from self experience. I was sexually abused as a child and I understand why you coming from the difficulty to say now because it almost becomes like a part of your life and you just feel like you you don't deserve any better and that's just what happens and you're right. Even worthy of saving yourself from me and you following that A thinking you're less of a person because you been hurt, right, and I'm glad you brought that up. The major reason why women don't they know it's the major reason why women don't work when sexually harassed or sexually assaulted.

If the huge problem.

Women tend to blame himself when their sexually abusive child. They blame themselves when their rates as an adult and our society tends to blame and expect experience not too long ago where a one of my daughter was on face time with one of her colleagues from school and that is this is a little boy fourth grade and so he made some inappropriate talk yesterday. Maybe to take off her clothes or something like that. She felt very uncomfortable.

Later on she hung up the phone told us about a but had very much in her mind where she told the school about it the next day so there teacher and when I go to pick up my daughter. She's in tears. She's super upset. They suspended her as well because they say she's just as guilty because the principal and this is a Christian school swore she should oppress the red button and hung up the phone. How dare she not really what she expected her to do right right yeah we we have a culture that like to see of anybody being especially a female of and so we blame the victim because that makes us feel more comfortable if we acknowledge that their victim out there. Then we have to acknowledge our own vulnerability. We have to his knowledge that we could also be a victim. So it's easier to blame the victim and to make them feel guilty for their own view them to actually defend a victim and acknowledge your own vulnerability. Let me ask you this is it that they go to the path of least resistance or way. I mean, because I just they didn't think that it is said that he gave at his side and that kid is not a solid somebody my we all want to have control. We all want to believe that wearing all of our lives.

And when we are confronted with the reality that we are not always been all we feel very uncomfortable and is easier to blame the victim eventually just the knowledge that all of our nodding role and that all of the bone about we tend to believe what we want and a lot of times we don't want to believe that shoes when it's ugly yet that's true that's true to we don't want to face anything yet. And because of that, it became a taboo and people were afraid to talk about it and because of that. This disciple just to screw it to screw because silence is what This going and when one person sexually harasses or abuses one person at a kid. This is not isolated to just this one child. This person's sake. This person will continue so meaning the child says something or an adult that was abused by this person leader. I mean, you can save the next person you can save lives. Can you tell if the importance of reporting such things as soon as possible.

Well you actually you report a crime like you may prevent other people from being abused.

Even if the person that raped you, or cigarettes do is not because not only its own record and then the next time somebody report it. You know that there looked at even more carefully must more closely and so it's really important to report, but it's also important for the victim to report it.

It can be very embarrassing.

It can be very frightening but can also be very empowering. It is like saying no, I'm not going to put up with. I'm not going already by and is very common when victims of childhood abuse that they can be victimized. At least that was my case I was pretty much victimized up until young adult and I wish I would've known the things that I know now that maybe you can't give shed a little light to how we can prevent being re-victimized. The major thing that I always been that need to knowledge their pain and suffering himself. Most victims want to just move on. They want to put it behind them. They don't want to have to face the pain they get very little for they don't think they're going to be believed. The don't talk about it with anyone. They just hold it inside blame themselves. It was James and they don't find a way to actually have any feeling and filled it carries a into adulthood without shame, the feeling of being disempowered and set them up for further review where they don't and acknowledge the suffering provide themselves with self compassion and self compassion is simply saying to ourselves. You know acknowledging what happened.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. You can talk to yourself in that way, or just acknowledge that was really painful.

That was horrible. That should've never happened to me and give ourselves some comforting and acknowledgment. It's amazing how powerful that the yes this is Boris yes is impressive by socially important for the survivors.

I like calling them survivors is that a victims to go to a psychotherapist right you without all of that addresses yeah yeah maybe yeah but most people don't write my first about a child probably going to tell the parent and elder parent. The parent probably is not to take them to a therapist therapy is an embarrassing to go to anybody what happened. So it is difficult for somebody at her child, especially to get health apparel hotline that people can call whether their employees.

Yes, thank you for saying it yet and they will know they have applicants who will talk to them and assure them that it wasn't their fault and help give them advice about how they can move on and what they can do to take care of themselves.

So those hotlines are really really important. Right when I don't get is how perpetrators always know who is the victim or who to take and I don't know if it's something that we're doing.

I think you just smell in the air, but what it is the will of God will come about that you have experienced many similar fees, and 30 42463487884. We would love to hear from you went back. Thanks for being in his zany capital and you're listening to the chair.

You can test every Saturday 1 PM on the radio that is the case.com joined by psychotherapist Beverly Angell. For more information can be found on seal my shame.com Beverly we were talking about how perpetrators find no what can tell who's the victim or whose survivor or who it is they can take advantage tell me what how that how that may be something that we do something that they know well from time because perpetrators will look for the most vulnerable. That may be, for example for child that may be a child not being supervised by an adult child who's alone a lot.

That's the main target is someone who's not being properly cared for. Watch by parent, so the nests their opportunity absolutely. They also can child has been sexually abused already that maybe because of their posture or because they have low self-esteem because they don't play with other kids.

They can pick up on that. Also okay but their opportunists, but they also don't try it you know they do grooming probably heard about where they doubt it. You know how the Michael Jackson documentary I saw it and it was very familiar to me.

By the way, very familiar with what it was very familiar to me. Another way yes I and other grooming yes so Bill try anybody trying to get this available and do their grooming process in offering" can be spending time with them again especially attracted to a child who has nobody. Who plays with them or who spent time so the most vulnerable are the kids who don't have someone who's around them and taking care of them and then for the one that has been abused and has a list ethics esteem maybe slumping over the body posture. The fact that the company on the speak or didn't speak to Mont or they're quiet what you think they would be easily intimidated.

I get this person or child or young adult viewing and power and I know that you been 23 books, a self-help and trust me I would love to know what I know now, back then and please let me know how we can help others. What are you in society.

What I haven't written books for children, but there are many books out now. Fortunately, there are many books on teaching children how to say no children. You know what a perpetrator like you know teaching children to them, empower them with their anger. That's another thing I work with with survivors helping them to literally say no helping them to ask their anger at What he already. Most females and many males throughout their childhood were have already experienced abuse in some way.

It may not be well but they didn't grab they been watch that you know this had you know when they walk by them make fun of them or talk to you know yell at them about the sexual part. Very few kids nowadays have have not been those to abuse in some way and teaching our children how to say no and and actually encouraging them literally say no.

Some people literally cannot say the word no and so teaching them to do that is very very empowering and it's also important that they know that it's wrong. Education is very important. I think education is key. I never knew what was happening was wrong.

I thought I was the wrong one and when I told my mother about that visa setting is old and they kicked them out for two days. I thought wow I cosmic family despite I'll never see anything again and well I knew not to say anything again and our daughter. She's she's one day somebody teaming tickled her in the belly to get back to anymore.

You can't do that and that's the kind you write right when you're right, we need to better educate our children about the sexual abuse and sexual assault and major role as our guide.

Yes, you go even important to teach college student going off to college to talk to them about the risk you know young girls going off to college very seldom ever told about the dangers of fraternity houses and and drinking too much and you know you know being at risk because they are drop or being given a date rape drug know they all need to be educated about all the yet there is no they still do so does Streep see when you get this to drink. He knew there is so know but let's go back to the know that's a very powerful message anyway. So for those who knew less book is saying no standing up against the sold sexual harassment and sexual pressure mismanage Angel so where is the fine line here goes yesterday. For example, I was reading something in Facebook.

So there was shaming this man in the airplane who was so asking the full number of the lady in front of him and then one of the other ladies in their plane was posting cope, he is doing.this is almost a sexual assault, sexual harassment and almost kick him out of there been running where is the like, though the fine line that reads what we don't want to be overly sensitive either.

Yeah I know why I good man. You know are feeling afraid to just be friendly. I was going yet, but but there are a lot of man do need to be educated to be restricted.

I don't know the situation if the woman was welcoming him had been talking to him had been encouraging him or if this came out of left field. You know you well yeah guys think women are always pleased to say thank you for the know there you go. Yet we need to educate men and women need to educate men about what the boundaries are.

They need to talk to them in detail in to what is okay and what isn't. Okay and then share with each other with they see another man behaving. They need to speak up and let the other man know that that's not okay were going through a real education process here. We shouldn't have to run. Obviously, we are a lot of men have done away with things way too long and they need to be educated yes close, slept in the face now. Now violence not to know yet.

We don't need, but women need to have permission to say no and they are now with me to movement. Women have stepped forward and told her story and more and more women feel empowered they feel empowered because they didn't believe the first time and their being supported now they are saying no and only that was supporting each other, which is really important that I command these days. IVD listening because this much pressure. So of course have unity listening anything to quick learners, so there's hope is always hope made made major in the left year just in the last couple of years, so it's great in your website. You have a proprietary program for fueling the shame of abuse can people just subscribe to your program online is to be just on your on your office. I think she was the dust problem with me yet shame is the biggest problem with most people who are abused or correct program on the website. I do operate in workshop the time and it didn't. Most of my book. Most of my recent book, the program is listed there in the program basically is made up of empowering people to release their anger to learn how to say no to provide themselves with self compassionate really superpowerful is primarily made up of empowerment through anger really say no and healing shame.

Self compassion is the antidote shape.

It shame if we acknowledge our pain and give myself a passion for it were not going to be as likely to feel shame share two factors of the main factors, I say, why can't we love ourselves.

When I absolutely, absolutely, acutely, a lot of the don't feel� You know you are such a bad person, you don't feel like you to serve God's help, not you.

You been to bad that was absolutely you can. Knowing that� Love them is really important for them.

I mean that's what helps me get through with my shame. There's also a lot of support groups, not just you support system at home that also in social media. The social sites with a B Facebook. They have support groups have different support groups that people do share their stories and there there for one another and it's very comforting to know that you're not alone because it II will my book, but it honestly just because somebody out there that's been through a whole lot think that things okay well maybe they went is that nobody's got this now they can see they're not alone. I wanted to do that.

That's wonderful yet major website that is really really helpful and place where people can call in and tell the story, and they also refer people to support their area are AIN and.org beautiful. Thank you so much Beverly for being with us and you're welcome. Have a lovely evening in any time you have great information think you okay thank you for what you do all and now I leave you with at the national Association survivors and how the state what you have experienced in life does not define therefore that everything don't keep quiet to assist in the discomfort.

You are not the victim rather than they can turn don't be ashamed of just story it will inspire others to feel it can be a key to unlock someone else's piston. Someone may be in need today to hear your story to help them heal from childhood abuse, or to get encouraged to leave an abusive relationship or someone may need to hear your story to know it's time to feed themselves from the mental field they been