Fighting, Jesus Style, Part 3

Today on Senate life with Jeannie Greer what some of you most need in your marriage is just this element of hope and that hope is not a mental mind game. The promises of God. But God has a purpose even in the difficult part of your marriage cannot purposes sanctify you and your spouse and the purpose is to glorify himself. You got nothing else you would hold onto that author and theologian Jeannie Greer. As always, I'm your host Molly benefits sticks and stones may break our bones but words will never hurt us.

We all know that's actually not true that right today. Pastor JD will give us practical wisdom for how our words can be graced saturated during conflict. It's part of our study in Ephesians chapter 5 called first love and make sure you listen all the way to the end where will give you more information on a practical next step for all of your relationships right now. Let's join Pastor JD for the final piece of the message he titled fighting style product by the phrase as fits the occasion means that you are mindful of him word is going to be profitable and helpful and when it's not true doesn't mean it's helpful at the moment.

Proverbs 1218. There is one whose rational words like sword thrusts say they were untrue, so that the rash with the time of the wise brings healing rational words or words that might be true or not thought out not given the right way and right side. My wife and I found it helpful to bound derives our conflict into certain zones right. We know that there are certain times a day. We should never fight after 10 PM because if we start by after 10 PM and without angrier than ever. At about 430 in the morning still yelling at each other worse than when we started to was I whistle 9:55 PM with a pot at all, but you should let the sun go down around I get about a minute okay will find our bedroom because it never turns out well. We don't fight when were either frozen or a bad mood. We have what we call the 24 hour rule which is robust is allowed to invoke 24 hour rule means an original, but is now, but I promise you 24 hours a bring us back up the men and women.

If you do this you gotta bring a backup. Otherwise you lose credibility right you bring a backup at a time when the world will not come out like sword thrust to come out in a way that is that is healing.

Not like when you select. The Bible said the sun go down your wrath. I've heard that verse used and misapplied for forcible it can't literally mean that you never ever go to bed without having resolve the situation because of me to think of it, that would mean in certain parts of Sweden you have three months to resolve an issue because the sun is down for three months and would be during other seasons you got two hours for the summer that you worked out. I guess nobody needs what he means when he says that is got to deal seriously with the rage and the wrath of the binges and you gotta get it out of your heart and sometimes 24 hours will help you separate unrighteous selfish irritation from righteous anger that's concerned about the relationship right number four. Be quick to listen and slow to speak, be quick to listen, slow to speak again as fits the occasion how you know what works for the occasion. If you told listen listening to Brett hamburger pastoral counselor said most of the communication problems in marriage was biggest problems in any relationships, communication, the biggest problem he said in communication is usually not an expression problem is always a listening problem now be supportive.

What about genders, but let me just talk to the man for a while. And what is listen in on this word as well. Really bad at this, including the Ghana stage. Proverbs 1813 he who gives an answer before he hears it is a Pollyanna shame.

My relationship with my wife consists of her beginning to tell me a problem and me interrupting her telling her how to resolve that problem or why she certainly think it's a problem you got to develop the ability to be what we call servant listener servant listener will be defined as one who seeks to understand before seeking to be understood servant listener is one who seeks to understand before he or she learns to seek to be understood if living is to when is the bondservant number serving as one thinks of other people's interest more highly than his own servant listener think of other people's opinions and other people's statements is more significant in their own which is 100%. The opposite of how I do in the most arguments. I don't know. Most arguments already with my point and I just wait on you. Take a breath, breath, and put in my point him up with a servant listener is one who judges them doesn't interrupt whatever you interrupt what you're saying is my thoughts more important in your thoughts. Your thoughts are so stupid I'm not what you get in that sentence because it's just trash and put out the truth right here, right now I'm in interrupt you if your servant listener, you will interrupt if your servant listener then if you don't know what to say. You can ask questions if you don't know what to say.

After that, you're gonna ask more questions. If you still know what to say.

After that, you just repeat what the other person said not to them honestly doubt will resolve 90% of the communication problems in your relationship. She is not a problem to be solved. You person to be our really means you don't get premature advice is your listening you answers before here's the file you are saying just list don't use Aristotelian logic on her list resident logic right a equals PB equals C air go a equals C you're not really hurt.

I can promise you when she does that. When you do that she is not about.

Thank you.

I am so stupid sometimes. I could've sworn I was hurt, but now I see clearly by the force of your logic that I was not really hurt at all.

I'm so glad that you are my husband. She did not do that is the folly and shame. You just listen you repeat you become a servant listener majority communication problems are not expression problems or listening problems. Listening Brad says is a skill that is most necessary when it is most difficult. Number five, and seek your sanctification that your vindication seek their segregation. I medication just to clarify what the goal is Jesus's goal in saving us was not his vindication. God vindicated him. Later he knew that what he did as he went to the cross on vindicated and God vindicated him in my relation with my wife. I have to say, only to win in any conflict, only to win because God can vindicate me at the right time so that gives me the capacity to be able to forgive because I'm not worried about winning.

I'm worried about making holy and sometimes is my blood for you to make you holy. My concern is not my vindication� It's it's it's her second dictation number six also not apply this in the married people and then I ended up climate single people you believe in God's overriding purpose. If you're married for your marriage was so important if some of the darkest days listen of my marriage.

It was this one thing that got us through is that she and I believe I can.

I believe that God had appointed us to be together and we knew that God had promised that he would make our marriage something beautiful.

We did it.

Jesus had died and resurrected to make it so innocent of the darkest chapters of our marriage. That's all we hold onto is the power of hope of God's promise and that gave us the strength to keep going. You may have heard the infamous experiment was done on rats on how lonely could swim you for this so that I look this up. I got the document Tatian on it and family say right now is legit right as I got the documentation this scientist, rats, and just the window of pool water to see how lonely could swim 10 minutes. Rats can swim consistently for 10 minutes and then they drown. But what's this that scientists figured out that if he would. After six minutes did something to lift the rat out of the water just for a few seconds and then put it back now and he would do that three times in six minute intervals, then after the third time. If you look of the water they could swim first 60 hours 60 hours in the introduction of one element into that little rat's head gave him the ability from being a 10 minute swimmer to be a 60 hour swimmer you want that when Elma was hope. If the rat thought and hope was coming, but if you keep going, what some of you most need in your marriage is just this element of hope and that hope is not a mental mind game. It's the promises of God that God has a purpose even in the difficult part to your marriage, and that purpose is to sanctify you and your spouse.

That purpose is to glorify himself and when you got nothing else you can hold onto that some of you that are single. The same thing is true in your relationships got a got a purpose in all things, even for the most difficult relationships. What keeps you going to be under some of the hardest days is the belief in the hope that God has given you that he is working these things for your beauty for his glory, and all things for good number seven speak gray saturated words speak gray saturated words now. If you're speaking your speaking words again that build up, not words that tear down. Let me give you a few characteristics so you can tell which one that you're doing.

Hi, first of all, if you're speaking gray saturated words in your written notice that for every one negative thing you say.

Like I told you last week you're gonna say about five positive not is not discipline but just because that your nature grace means that you are continually lifting up in front of them.

What they could be and importing out what they're not because you believe in what they could be all you're doing is saying negative things what you're doing is condemning and it's coming out of a heart that's more angry at being inconvenienced, then it is a heart that believes that this is what they currently try to help them get there.

So if you're not naturally the kind of person who just says five positive things ready. One negative thing you say that's not your spouse's issue that's your issue. You gotta see them for what God is making them now.

What they are you listening to a message titled fighting style here on Senate life with pastor Judy here will rejoin this teaching in just a moment. I wanted to tell you about a daily devotional email from Pastor JD and I know the busyness of life can quickly check out any joy we feel in our walk with God as we delay each morning. A word from the Lord. The devotional even follow along with our current teaching here on the program you can stay plugged in. Regardless of your schedule to sign up for this free resource@jeanniegreer.com/resources now.

Let's return for the final practical steps may help us in determining our priorities. Once again, here's Pastor. Here's another characteristic you will use you our statements.

You are this you are that instead you it's very simple.

We'll say you did this you did that you are statement is condemning you did statement means that you did this. That's not what you are dear this beautiful day, God is making you but you did this matter all it means that you avoid saying never and always. In conversations because never it always means you're always like this in your to be condemned, if never and always are true about the negative things in my life in Jesus did not really die and resurrect for me is Jesus death and resurrection put an end to my never and always. Here's what God has made me which means I'm not always this way.

I'm not never the right way.

It means that sometimes I fail but but but I believe in what God is making me and I believe her China you would use. Never always, if you gray saturated words will speak sarcastically. Listen, I just so honest, I have a spiritual gift of sarcasm. It comes way too naturally to me. I love giving it. I hate receiving because it cuts like a knife if you want a marriage that is going to be grace filled, you will identify ruthlessly every element sarcasm get it out. Smarty had a party and no one came. You want your marriage to be a party to get the sarcasm out all right. You will be condescending when you talk because you are not looking down the person you are looking out for the person you're looking of the beauty of what they could condescending your condescension means right down to the low irony for you there okay condescension you still doubt your lifting them up gray saturated words you are continually lifting up women. That means you avoid confronting your husband publicly because there's nothing that shuts a man down like having his wife tear him down in front of her to somebody else.

Number eight number 82 gray saturated words you won't give up until there is no longer a chance of reconciliation.

You will give up until is no longer a chance of reconciliation deep here because this is not a sermon on divorce, but I will tell you, you know, this Bible says God hates divorce. Some of you been through a divorce and you hated to see you know I got eight. Did you know the pain it caused. Jesus said that most divorces are many indoor horses at least would be you should think of them as adultery because you are leaving the covenant that you made and you are are abandoning now. The New Testament does give some exceptions there are. For example, knowing the case of adultery is one of the ones that talk about that help all first Corinthians says that if an unbeliever and unbelieving spouse leaves that the remaining spouse is no longer bound leaving there could medial means literally leaving but you could also think about sometimes is it they become unable to be lived with. Like their abusive right not to get into all the particulars about only to say that if you're in a situation where you feel like an exception might apply to you should come see us and we should help let us walk you through that help you see that what I'm really trying to say in this is that 90% of the reasons people get divorced are not legitimate. We have irreconcilable differences. Hey Jesus not have much irreconcilable differences and he lay down his life for them right. My wife and I have all kinds of irreconcilable differences. That's why marriage is the way that it is God has a purpose and does if you had a divorce in the past and not judging you. I'm telling you those you in the present Jesus blood takes care of everything. But I'm telling you in the present that she should give grace a chance in your marriage and you should realize it got appointed some of these things for you to be able to demonstrate the beauty of Christ in your marriage and teacher love like you said, for the Bible telling you you don't walk away. Even when it's not a great marriage because the point is that you have me happy.

The point is you putting Jesus on display.

20. Learning to love like you wasn't doing as quickly and not trying to judge you, and I'm not saying I am answering all the questions and try to say that if you're in a moment you're a difficult marriage, you need to think this biblically and carefully. Let us help you not give up and was no longer a chance reconciliation. Some of you been there. I know that you want. It is painfully a walk with you through it sometimes don't want to do and it's okay to say that gray saturated doesn't give up because of irritation or disappointment number nine you truly forgive. You truly forgive member told you. Forgiveness is a choice not to remember or bring things up to and Sandy's got a rate buckle peacemaking for families in which he defines forgiveness. This way, true forgiveness, as I will not think about this incident.

I will not bring it up or use again against you. I will not talk to others about it. I will not allow it to stand between us or hinder our relationship. You look at past infractions watches as if there ammunition already spent a blank so you know what it's like to supposedly forgive somebody or was be forgiven and the next time you get an argument. The same thing to bring this thing back up. Some of you go hysterical and arguments. Some of you go the store: arguments because you love the ring of the past. That's how Jesus does. Jesus a man of the past. He buried the past and even when the pass conforms to the pattern he died to put away the pattern and he died to make you knew what he does is holds of the beauty of what he's making you not be in glorious past of what you've done. If you're going to speak like Jesus speaks you never bring up the past because as ammunition already spent and you say I'm not I'm not commenting about your past and going about the situation. This is what you did this the future is what you are to be and I'm evaluating this flaw in the present. Based on the promise of the future, not your mistakes in the past. By the way some of you will forgive because you still think the person that you're forgiving these repent before you forgiven right you like well to DFA for it. They say I'm sorry out happily forgive them.

That's because you're confusing forgiveness and reconciliation reconciliation takes two people it's reconciliations when they repent, you forgive. Forgiveness takes one forgiveness is not for you and then forgiveness is about you and God is about you saying I'm not going take vengeance, and I'm in forgive them the way the Jesus forgave me and that's irrespective of whether not they ever say that there sorry to hold unforgiveness in your heart because somebody has not repented, is like trying to punish them by drinking poison into your own body. Some of you are there you had a spouse you had a friend you had a ex-spouse who is hurt you and you got bitterness you have to forgive based on God and not based on them. You gonna let it go. You have buried with Jesus which leaves me last one, number 10 do all things out of reverence for Christ do all things out of reverence for Christ. The only way to do all of this lesson is for the cross were larger in your life.

Your spouse is not worthy of this Jesus is so forgiveness and conflict is first of all, something between you and him all journey of my spouse was here he would hear her she would hear these messages that will be awesome but they're not here doesn't matter. Maybe one day God will use you to change your spouse, but right now you try to change you and how you go to conflict and how you rage and how you do all the things is more about you and him that it is about you and them. I cannot say this enough. Keep your eyes on the cross may be the way that God is glorified himself to you right now is by letting you demonstrate all your watching friends that you got a Jesus that is worthy enough to serve even when it doesn't create any change in your spouse and you tell your friends I'm not doing this for my spouse. I'm doing this for Jesus because he's worthy of it. Maybe that's how you can bring glory to himself that your bad marriage to do not make your reactions dependent on that other person because it's not easy to do it out of reverence for Jesus to believe the gospel principle was the gospel principle is that grace change is not retribution. You and I think retribution changes below me tell you this from experience retribution will coerce your behavior only grace changes your art now God change me about paying me back for my sin. God change me by absorbing my sin, why change me and our marriage not by paying me back for my sins against her. She pay she change in our marriage by showing the grace, retribution, anger, rage, negativity, consequences, course behavior, only the power, grace changes are.

If you believe that gospel principle than this will change vertically and horizontally. Everything will start changing because you will become a fountain of grace, which is why Gary Thomas says it this way, couples don't fall out of love couples fall out of repentance and faith because it is faith in the gospel is the gospel really large that heals all relationships with your single or married what he feels that heart is vertically you getting connected to the grace of God, the beauty, the fullness of God and everything else becomes trivial and naturally heals itself much about your heads. If you would told you some of you are on treadmill this right now bitterness in your heart, past boyfriend and ex-spouse. Her current spouse boss made you clear them out of your head and just like this between you and God you stay in perfect peace because your mind is fixed upon him. We let the cross grow large in your life right now, both its treasure and its grace because I promise you when the cross grows large in your life. Bitterness, anxiety, hatred, frustration that is disappear father.

I've I just can't want the church that you given me the pastor I want them to be able to see this, but I cannot make them see it spiritualizing got to give a warning form, but I can give it to them on powerless to pray in these moments that the church God that I love the church if you give me the pastor that their eyes will be open to see how great Hawaiian how Dean I is the love of the father for us in the light of the greatness of his life. All the other infractions and disappointments that others cause against us with this morning. This seems nothing in light of the treasurer in the beauty and the depth of your grace � I got don't fall out of line couples how we are about halfway through our relationship series called first lead here on Senate life Judy Greer, J. We've been blown away by the generosity of our gospel partners, especially as of late. We mentioned often here on the program but what exactly is the gospel partners. Oh my goodness, Molly gospel partners are so much a part of our team here at Summit library listeners who become interval pieces of our boldly proclaiming the gospel through our radio and podcasts ministry and said, this group allows us to be able to expand into new places where were the Gospels not being preached this way, or it allows us to stay on the on the air in your area is a growing ministry. We would love to have more gospel partners join us because it allows us to accomplish the purpose of saturating our country in the gospel centered teaching on that we find in the Scriptures give God a stirring in your heart.

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It comes with our thanks when you become a gospel partner or donate to support this ministry level at $35 or more for your copy of the devotional and the company conversation card when you copy 33 528-663-3524 here when you get online Greer.com I Molly that event and I'm so glad to have you and be sure to tune in tomorrow purpose gender in the Friday right here on Senate life