Winning at Conflict

Jeannie takes conflicts to a heated relationship killing level beyond I know your person before I get that.

But what takes it in your heart to a rage pointed it against a fracture of the relationship is that person keeping you from what you want what you are entitled to write what you feel like you can't be happy without Annette controls are in motion. After dating, I'm your host Molly, but that's it out no matter what all the different structures might look like I'll have one thing in common when it comes to family.

There will always be conflict today. Pastor JD teaches an important concept about conflict that comes from James to growing up as Jesus's younger half-brother better than anyone about family strife that stems from jealousy. He says understanding the root of conflict will fundamentally change how you engage in to catch up on any previous messages from the forever family theories. Be sure to visit Jeannie Greer.com join Pastor JD for today's message title winning at conflict chapter 19 three through 12 of you got your Bible. The big idea in this series, is that what is taught about marriage in Matthew 19 not only revolutionizes marriage but also revolutionizes everything connected to marriage and so we look at things like singleness dating and sex and divorce. Today were going to look at how what Jesus taught in Matthew 19 how it impacts how we engage in conflict resolution just to review. In Matthew 19 Jesus taught a few very important core concepts about marriage. First he taught us that marriage is permanent marriage. EEE communicates as an indissoluble caulk covenant that is dissolvable only by death and marriage. You lock the door so to speak.

You take divorce all the tables and option. Matt means Jesus says that divorce ought to be as rare and as radical as amputation application of a body bar because that's essentially what it is not, of course, has profound implications for conflict resolution because if you take divorce off the table as an option, you end up figuring out that a lot of your irreconcilable differences suddenly become reconcilable right me and I know that from experience of your experience that if you marriage me know so you I got when I going to wear the doors locked up work tonight stuck a mistake.

The next 34 years. All of a sudden the irreconcilable you start to figure it out because you know necessity is the mother of invention right right and so there's so so so this profound application for how we think about conflict.

Remember Jesus's teaching on the permanence of marriage was so strong that his disciples were like what that's what you get into about the strength of the covenant, maybe it's better to not even get married Jesus and yet if you're going to make it your deftly going to need my help. The second thing that Jesus taught in Matthew 19 was the earthly marriage is not ultimate in Matthew 19 in this teaching a marriage.

Jesus, the end takes what many people like a sort of a left turn any pronounces this blessing on UNIX who were people who could not get married or have a biological family and he declares that they are still full recipients and God's blessings in God's forever family. In so doing, and doing that Jesus was repudiating refuting the very popular idea of his day and still popular today that marriage and sex and romance are essential for a happy life right so EEE says note marriage is not ultimate.

Ultimately what you're looking for is God's forever family and that is implications for conflict also because as I'll try to explain you today in a minute. Our conflict in our homes often arises from the fact that were looking to marriage and family for things we really ought to be getting from God. Finally, Scripture teaches us. Matthew 19 to 1 of marriage's primary purposes is that teach us to love like God loves which means loving simple people. Marriage teaches us to love like God loves Paul Tripp condescended this way of marriage and family are primarily about making life smooth and happy and God chose a really terrible plan. Did he not that you don't have one messed up center Mary another messed up center and then in the year with and combine all of their issues and then into that bullet crazy.

Let's bring up a little centers they crazy to new levels.

That's a recipe for happiness in a smooth life. That's a recipe for conflict as we have said no, God's purpose in marriage is not just to make us happy and in and companions. It's it's to make us holy by teaching us to love like you loves to today were to take those concepts and apply them.

The conflict one thing we all have in common is that in our families, we experience conflict. I got a look around right now and just look at the people about you.

Your conflict sources. Regardless of your family structure when you're married with your single with your single again. Whether you're part of an extended family weather-related. If you're in a small group here at church you experience conflict probably Anna somewhat consistent basis will makes it even more complicated is that everybody seems to have different styles of conflicts that you bring interrelationships and just confuses everybody some of you are or what we call the peacemaker, which means that what you most want in your relationships is harmony. So whatever happens you you're always trying to move the needle back to harmony. Turn the dial back to harmony. Your attitude is basically a pure happy that you're happy and we can be at peace and I'm happy which sounds great except when it causes you to paper over issues that really need to be dealt with. For those of you that are into this kind of thing think up ideograms nine severe into into those things, people sometimes unwilling to do the hard work necessary to create good relationships was just tobacco harmony. Probably a better name of her for this is peacemaker instead of peacemaker, because it's not dealing with others of you are the stalker, which means it when somebody close to you hurts you. You start to sulk until they figure out what they did and rectify you turn your whole house and one of those big escape rooms where everybody else got to figure out what they did to you and why you're bothered you not avail them anything until they figure it out.

Get it right right anybody married to a person like that you married don't raise your hand if you are because you will pay for that for the next three weeks. I promise you right now to figure that out. Then there's the stuffer the stuffer. It is the person is constantly stops anger and conflict down into their heart yes them is everything okay and in their answer is fine fine fine fine right anybody else to see little text bubbles above their head filled with all kinds of you know little exhibition points represent curse words and where you spit the grass withers in your stuff down there but is not full of anybody. Others of you are the litigator, which means that in conflict, you're a good arguer, you can usually prove in whatever situation whatever conflict you were the one who is in the right. It's not that you just know that you can admit you're wrong. It's just that your legitimately never wrong so you just a blessing to live with and everybody loves you. By the way, have you fellow litigators figured out yet that when you win an argument at home. You don't actually win anything in almost all other dimensions of life all her spheres.

When you win an argument you there's a reward, you win a court room you in an office, you win it with a customer service rep usually get some benefit. I cannot pride myself on the things that I have extracted from Time Warner Cable because I can usually out argue whoever's out on the other end of the line, but if you win an argument at home. He only when anything conflict is so emotional and is so complicated that actually besting the other person, an argument that naturally actually improve the relationship much at all. I finally got a screamer the screamer.

This is the person who when somebody is wrong in the way they do with it.

Is this a go at it at full volume. By the way, I've noticed that when people who come from grinders that people who come from families who were screamers for some reason always seem to marry people who didn't and so when you have that first marriage. Find one who is a screamer can't not figure out why the person who is not a screamer won't engage in the non-screamer is looking at the screamer thinking demon come out you what is just happened here right so so so so what to do today is to look at how all those conflicts in whatever style comes out in how it all really has a common root to get out that we use a teaching by Jesus's half-brother, James is sure was one really important concept about conflict that I promise you when you get this it will fundamentally change how you engage in conflict first game changing principle that you need to learn about conflict again become from James is James who is Jesus's half-brother, James wrote a letter to the church.

The book of James got the Bible flip over after Matthew it's about what 1230 books to the right go there, I'm James lock on their James chapter 4 on honestly determine their know more about family conflict and strife that comes from jealousy then Jesus own brother and can you imagine honestly growing up in a home with the son of God is your older brother and what is that like get out of bed in the morning.

He's all sunshine smiles and I'm this fresh breath and somehow magically his bed gets made perfectly always does his homework and eats his vegetables with joy without complaining and you're pretty sure he's doing something to the water that makes it taste better than yours, but you can't really prove it. But seriously, how many times you think James Jesus's younger half-brother heard.

Why can't you just be like your older brother Jesus nicely. He knows what it's like to talk about conflict, especially conflict that arises from jealousy is the principal majority in advance.

Intense heated conflict usually involves idolatry in both parties. When you got conflict with somebody. I'm not saying that both parties are equally in the wrong.

I'm just saying that when a conflict gets heated to the point that it leads to relational fracture.

It often it often. I would even say usually involves idolatry manage if you want to really deal the source of the conflict you got a start date or let me show you what I okay I even if you feel like you're the one is not wrong whatever conflict your think about right now just want to James what James is on his James for verse one.

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you.

That's really a question right. If I would ask you right now. Honestly what is causing conflict and strife in your life right now most of you would probably point to somebody seated near you and I go easy them. You point out apparent a spouse, a kid or maybe think about a friend or a boss or a small remember, but James says think deeper is it not this, that your passions are at war within you receive desire and do not have, so you murder by the way James is writing to church people some murder here is likely metaphorical using hyperbole. I think that is rage or willingness to destroy relationship right you do after you murder. You covet and you cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.

But you do not have as you do not ask right so what causes the strife. What causes the quarreling. What causes their relational fracture and death James as it is answer your passions. Think about any conflict or something that you want something that you think that you are entitled to. You deserve this and that person that you having conflict with is keeping you from it.

So you despise them for right me. For example, and sit at the table. My wife is late coming home switch places with me so that you know that she can watch the kids and I'm glad get my errands done because she's laying because she didn't that you shouldn't call.

I'm just fuming, I'm in a rage.

Why am I so mad. Well, it's because she is keeping me from what I wanted to do that afternoon. Now again I'm not saying that she's not doing anything wrong or she could've been more thoughtful or more timely, but I need to acknowledge that the anger of the rage is coming from the fact that she is depriving me of something that I feel like I'm entitled to maybe say will my husband just does not understand or appreciate the work that I did this family every day and it seems like every night when he comes home, he only thinks about his needs and only his needs and I'm just totally ignores me and think about how tired I am totally oblivious to Ted's it to me and and and what I need in this relationship and that just makes me furious is depriving you something you feel like you need one you're entitled to my spouse, you say is the most sexually selfish person on the planet, he or she is just not thinking about what I need or I wonder I deserve what creates the intensity in those conflicts is that you just admit you're not getting what you want is what makes it turns it into a rage and all quarrel shower say that phrase. Your passions are at war within you is an Old Testament illusion to idolatry was an idol when I does anything that takes the place of God in your life. Most of us here this and I've explained is locked out of the Senators.

Most of us here idolater living while not an idolater, can we make idolatry primarily means bowing down to some little gold statues and you have any of those I couple years ago my wife and I had a chance to go to Athens, Greece. They literally if you go to old Athens. They literally have temples or the remains of dimples to idols on just about every corner of my life is that you always want me to take that to her, of Athens, because she said when I took my shirt off. I reminded her of a Greek God times. That's where she wanted to go. That's not really true.

But how do you see auditing sender temples like to Artemis for example, the goddess of prosperity got his money. He worshiped that goddess by your bringing some of your best. Some of your riches to her that was the God of Nikkei, goddess of victory, who was worshiped by athletes and warriors and soak athletes after they would win would offer the crown to the got a sneaky Aphrodite, the goddess of sexuality and beauty you worshiped her by having sex with prostitutes in the temple I my favorite probably the whole tour was the goddess Cortina, the goddess of the sewer system honestly and there was a tour guide.

I'm not sure who worship how you made offerings or a manager, I want to know we light a candle, sometimes in about things and maybe that counts is offering. I don't know what I'm eating like that worship any any guys I guess I'm not really an idolater, but that that's not what idolatry is so know what James is talking about an idol is anything that takes the place of God in your life. Something that controls you something that controls your emotions something that you depend on the life and happiness when you're deprived of that you go into despair or arrange something without that without that thing where you feel like life is not worth living. And James is when a conflict gets heated in your heart when it turns into anger and quarreling and rage, it's because you have determine that something is so important in your life that you cannot be happy or fulfilled without it. And because this person is not giving it to you were there keeping you from it. It makes you furious at them. Notice what James is next.

But you do not have because you do not ask what you say. Where should you wear should be the first place you look the first place to meet your needs whatever they need is well God right as we said throughout this series. God may use marriage. You may use your marriage partner to fulfill some of your needs. But God is still the one in charge of meeting and that means Obama true servant of God and I got a need this not being met. Always first place and I turned to him. Ultimately, I trust him, not my spouse is one who meets my needs. The other person. My wife in my case as it displays God as a primary source of vehicle media my needs. Ultimately, my God, my only got a look if everything is going to him. James take this even a step further in the next verse with some of you. He says as and do not receive because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. You adulterous people for some of you know to pray at least.

But even when you pray, you pray like an idolater, any compares us idolaters to adulterers because idolatry and adultery have a lot in common right and what happens in adultery.

What is the sin of adultery, and adultery. One spouse is finding certain delights, certain fulfillments that they ought to be finding in his or her spouse spiritual adultery is when you find in something or someone else. Things that you ought to be finding in God. So here's the question, how do you pray like an adulterer right well think of a man who says to his wife like a we been married and you promised on our wedding. You promised you in our bowels that you would fulfill and meet my romantic and sexual needs, and she says yeah so he says well I figured out what I need, romantically or sexually be fulfilled, and he says I need your friend so-and-so as I need you to arrange a relationship. I need you to arrange you an affair with me and your friends so that I can be happy and fulfilled romantically.

Now any wife would say back to that that is not what I agreed to our marriage. I met that I would find those you find those things and meet and so when God says you pray like an adulterer. What he is saying is you're asking me for something that you feel like having that thing you're dependent on having that thing in order for you to be happy. Why don't you find your happiness and security, and fulfillment in me.

Why do you feel like you cannot be happy unless you have that thing right.I can be happy unless he talks about me this way.I just cannot be happy. Life is not worth living. Unless we make this amount of money will got I just can't keep my head up and I can't feel good about myself unless my kids turn out a certain way. Go to certain school bus there good lesser buddy praises them got. I can be happy unless I've got this level of freedom in my life and I just feel constrained in my family or my marriage. God would say you spiritual adulterer, why aren't I enough for you.

Why can't you be happy with me and and and the plan that I've got laying out that I'm laid out for you have told you before this happened to me early on in praying for for this church.

I was praying like an adulterer for this church that was a God bless this church to help us reach lots of people make a big and and and the reason that I wanted God to do that is because I thought that that the church was certain size and certain on influence and prestige what with that I would. I would feel good about myself. I would feel fulfilled. I feel happy and one day God just basically said to me to this verse you spiritual adulterer, why aren't I know for you.

Why doesn't your identity and your happiness in your fulfillment. Once you find that in me, right. Why am I looking for those things for looking for from those things without any finding in him and that's what's happened, what was happening.

By the way, my relationships when that was matted as a pastor's love relationship to the church restrained, because if certain people are keeping this church again today.

I was furious at them if they drop the ball in a way that caused us not to grow like a publisher grow. I just it was a rage was fueling that is this thing that I've got need this to be happy your keeping me from that.

Therefore, I got no place for you in my life in your diskette in the way to the point is what takes conflicts to exceeded relationship killing level beyond us. I know you persons of all I get that. But what takes it in your heart to a rage to a point that it begins to fracture the relationship is that person is keeping you from what you want what you are entitled to write what you feel like you can be happy without Annette control her emotions. That's what what what what what James is saying dominate your hearts to the first way to de-escalate any conflict is just to acknowledge that in turn back to God, not God.

Yes, this brother person may be a fall but ultimately, I trust you to be my needs not that person, the person might be a vehicle for that for you to do that through but ultimately I trust in you right, you may still confront the person in the wrong which will talk about the moment but it will be from this desperate Ray Jean you attack the core of my life kind of place all of his promises. What's the thing about conflict in light of these, as a 26.

I will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is fixed upon you when your mind is fixed upon God, trusting him to meet your needs. You have perfect peace even in conflicts in your conflicts to use it dominated by centerpiece of this report is for six be anxious for nothing and everything going on in the relationship.

My presentation with the request be made known to God. Something your spouse not doing for you something a friend not doing for you and and you feel like I'm just angry about it.

Want to tell God about it first and then what will happen to me as a 26 is right, then the peace of God that passes all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus to the when you actually confront somebody for their wrong it's no longer from this soul damage place where where you're depriving me of that which is necessary for life and instead you're coming to them out of love you coming out of concern for them and not out of a deep soul need because you learn first take this to God unison Jesus had plenty of interpersonal conflict with people read to the Gospels, and you will see that Jesus got in a surprising amount of arguments.

In fact, as I pointed out that they redo the Gospels, Jesus more often than not is either eating or arguing, which I thought you were great sort of model for my wife right, but his conflicts were always loving conflicts selfless conflicts conflicts done from that place of perfect personal peace conflicts that confronted the wrong without escalating the conflict to relationship killing levels come back Monday when Pastor JD gives us a list of things that Christlike confrontation might look like you're listening to Summit life with Pastor JD Greer, today's the last day to get our latest resource designed to help us memorize 50 encouraging and challenging verses in the Bible this year. Now Janie, let's be honest, Scripture memory can seem like an activity for kids. Why is it important for us as adults to keep up the practice. Yet you sadly I think we emphasize it in the church mainly to our children. The Holy Spirit can only ignite what's in your heart. But in order for him to be able to ignite that you so it in there and so is not just for kids.

It's a lifelong discipline. A level Psalm 119 says, how can a young man cleanses ways. It's by knowing the word of God, but taking heed according to your word, I know a lot of people who ask, how can I know the will of God. The will of God is directly tied to your knowledge of the word of God. When Jesus confronted Satan. We all know that he used Scripture. We don't think about is the fact that Jesus you will in Scripture.

So if even the son of God to do battle with Satan needed to quote Scripture. How foolish is it for you immediate for us to engage Satan in our lives and families for the sake of our kids and not know the Scripture that Jesus was so familiar.

If Jesus needed Scripture to Fido Satan how much more how much more the week that's one of the reasons we've given given out this this month. This pack of versus 50 verses that will help you memorize God's Word know that you reach out – get one of these is going to JD where.com allows you to be a part of her ministry. Here is a way of saying thank you for that. Got to get you these gifts see Shea, etc. don't wait. Today's the last day to request our newest life resource gift to support this ministry ask for your stat and all things new Scripture memory card by calling 866-335-5228 552 24 request and when you get online or when you make your first gospel partner JD Greer.com mailing your Denny's to request your card when you write JD Greer ministry, PO Box 122 NC 27709 hi Molly, that's me again and officially inviting you to join us again next after Katie I like. Can't wait to see you Monday right here on Senate night Janie, I