"Ten Ways to Exasperate Our Children"

Hi there this is on Solomon and I'd like to welcome you to our program today. You know it's a tremendous honor that God is given us to be on stations all around the nation bringing the truths of God's word as it is uncompromising and straightforward and I'm so glad you tuned in to listen and be part of that. Thanks again for your support and your generosity that keeps us on the radio and now let's get to the word of God when it comes to being a father about dads I know really love and care about their children and most dads I know really try hard to be the best dad they can be. And yet most grown children. I know seem to have real issues with their father. So how can we as dads keep this from happening. Will this is what I want us to talk about today in the passage that I want us to look at is Ephesians chapter 6. Now it's Christian parents most of us are familiar with the first three verses of this chapter.

Here's how they read verse one children. The Bible says, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment that is of the 10 Commandments with a promise attached to it, namely there is the promise that it may go well with you and that you may live long on the earth. Now most of us stop right here at verse three. However, there's one more verse, verse four. Here in Ephesians 6 that also relates to the process of raising healthy children.

It says fathers do not exasperate your children and the word exasperate when you look it up means to irritate to aggravate to call someone to throw their hands up in frustration and it's interesting that the Bible repeats this instruction to fathers. A little later on in the book of Colossians Colossians 321 says fathers do not in it are your children last they lose heart.

Know what the Bible is telling us here, both in Ephesians 6 and Colossians 3 is that yes as parents, God has given us authority over our children and that he wants us to teach our children to respect and obey the authority that he's given us, and to do it for their own good is it what you mean by that.

What I mean is that the primary way a person learns to respect authority as an adult, which leads to things going well for them, which leads to them living a long life here on earth because they stay away from self-destructive habits that would shorten their life the way most people learn to respect authority as an adult is to respect the authority of their parents in their home. Growing up, and when I was raising our children. I kept saying to myself by teaching my children to respect Brenda's authority in my authority over their life. We are doing them a huge favor because when they grow up, they'll respect authority in life will go better for them as well.

However, in Ephesians 6 and in Colossians 3 God is also telling us something else. As parents he's telling us that our authority over our children is not absolute. It's limited limited to being exercised in a godly biblical Christlike way, and not in an exasperating in bettering way and that's why he says fathers do not exasperate your children.

Fathers do not use your authority to embitter your children now.

Certainly this applies to mothers as well.

But isn't it interesting that God chose in both cases to address this instruction to fathers, we could speculate why, but it doesn't matter. It simply means that these are two great versus for us to talk about on fathers day two of your father or grandfather or future father, I want to pay a lot of attention to what were going to say and if your mom a this works for you to because this applies to moms as well as their and I've entitled my message a little bit tongue-in-cheek. 10 ways to exasperate your children so you're ready are you ready our good. All right here we go. You salon you'll never make 10 oh yes, I will watch here we go number 110 ways to Exasperate Your Children Way, #1 is love your children conditionally.

That is only communicate love and acceptance to them when they perform the way that we want them to use our attention and our affection and our love for them as a tool to manipulate them. Do this and I promise you, you will raise children that are exasperated and embittered against you. Now, in contrast to this way of raising children, the Bible presents to us the example of the prodigal son's father. If you remember, the prodigal son. His performance wasn't so great. He took his share of the fall of the family inheritance and he squandered it away on prostitutes and partying and you know live in La Vida Loca you know what I'm saying and then he decided to come home and what kind of reception did he get well listen. Luke 15 verse 20 says while his son was a long way all, his father saw him and was filled with compassion and he ran to his son love this picture and he threw his arms around his son and he kissed his son.

Even that whole time that his son had been away living the wild and crazy life that he was this father's love stayed unconditional for his son and gentlemen, this is how God wants us to love our children number 210 exasperate your children the number two.

Don't be personally involved in their lives. You know I had a dad just like this.

My dad was utterly detached from my life relationally. He and I were like two ships passing in the night who taught me how to hit a baseball and AA at the time I shoe and shoot a basketball and the cut the grass and the study for test, who taught me how to apply to college and how to wax the car and how to treat a girl on a date and how to balance a checkbook and how to write a resume will the answer, not my day.

He wasn't there for any of this stuff and as a child I grew up to resent him deeply. Because of that and you know many of you know exactly what I'm talking about because you had dad's just like this but this is not the model of a biblical father. The model is found in Deuteronomy 6 where it talks about fathers who are involved in their children's lives. Setting gauged in their children's lives. It talks about fathers, Deuteronomy 67 who were involved when they sit at home when they walk along the road, when they lie down and when they rise up that pretty well covers it all the time. This is the model of biblical fatherhood quantity time invested in our children. Fred Barnes in the new Republic magazine article entitled quantity time said this and I quote he said forget quality time. You can't plan magic moments or bonding or epiphanies in dealing with kids. What matters is quantity time.

I love this. He said 90% of fatherhood is Jost showing up." Number three. If we want to exasperate our children number three, then we need to favor one child above the rest. Focus all of our time and our energy and our attention and our conversation on this one child make sure that no matter where the conversation starts it always ends up back on that trial and how great that child is remember how Jacob did this in the book of Genesis Genesis 37 now Jacob loved Joseph more than any of his sons to say but will not wait a minute.

Do you know the value you can't control your emotions. I mean if you like what you children more than you like the other child.

If you love what your children one you love the other child. I mean, what can you do about that. When you cannot show it and keep it to yourself.

Hey Genesis 37 so Jacob made a coat of many colors for Joseph that he did make for the rest of the boys watch and when Joseph's brothers saw that their father loved Joseph more than any of them.

They hated Joseph and they couldn't even speak to him in peace that you want a surefire way to exasperate and embitter your children Jost to Jacob did number 41 exasperate our children.

The number four never admit that were wrong.

Give your children the impression that because you're the parents you are above correction and I promise you this will really drive them crazy and I know why we do this is man. We do this because were worried that if we start admitting were wrong to our children were going to lose their respect and their love when actually the exact opposite is true. Listen children don't lose respect for imperfect parents, they lose respect for inauthentic parents. Parents that are dishonest and won't own their stuff. Number five, one exasperate our children and demand behavior from them that were not willing to do ourselves. You know like make them go to church. While we stay home.

You know like forbid them to use certain words around the house. But then we feel the freedom to use those words. You know like punish them for lying, and then let them hear us get on the phone and lied to our boss and tell them were sick so we can go play golf. In other words, be a rip roaring hypocrite in your house this what I love about what the apostle Paul wrote and said to Timothy, he said.

Second Timothy 15. He said Timothy I recall the sincere faith. I love that the sincere faith which was first lived out in your grandmother Lois is life, and then was lived out in your mother Eunice is life gentlemen, this is how we raise children who are not exasperated with us and not embittered against us or exasperated and embittered against God. We do it by living a sincere faith and honest faith. A non-hypocritical faith in our home in front of our children if we asked them to do it we do it if we tell them they can do it. We don't do it. Number six, one exasperate our children and handle family issues on evenly and secretly you know do things for one child that you don't do for the other children slip things to one child that you don't tell the other children about let family heirlooms just cannot do walk off to one child and let all the other children find out about it by surprise.

This is a guaranteed way folks to cause trouble when we consider full disclosure an unnecessary issue in our family.

We are asking to exasperate our children. Now Isaac tried to do this in the book of Genesis chapter 27 he had two children Jacob and Esau the love Esau, and he tried secretly to sneak the blessing of himself. The father to his son Esau without Jacob knowing about it or his wife Rebecca knowing about it. When they found out and as a result Isaac set in motion a series of events that embittered and alienated his two sons Jacob and Esau for 20 years with one another was only the grace of God that they were able to patch it up. Listen gentlemen, your children may not like certain decisions you make, but at least make him out in the open and at least make them with full disclosure don't do things in secret and let your children find out about by mistake that will embitter them and exasperate them. Number seven, one exasperate your children then always have something negative to say to them, never complement your child when they get it right but just always point out when they get it wrong. Psychologists tell us that for every one negative comment we make to our children. We need to make three positive comments to balance it out in a healthy way and if we want to exasperate our children. It's simple to do.

Just leave out the three positive comments.

That's all we have to do. This is why Ephesians chapter 6 verse four says don't exasperate our children but bring them up in the nurture of the Lord that is speaking kindly to them speaking encouragingly to them, building them up, and I'm not talking about undeserved cheap flattery here. I'm talking about genuine praise for right actions. You want a guaranteed way to exasperate your children here it is. Always have something negative to point out but never tell them when they're doing something right and good. Number eight.

Almost finished one exasperate our children the never confront their bad behavior.

Just let them do whatever they want. Ephesians 6 also says were to bring our children up, not just in the nurture of the Lord, but in the admonition in the discipline of the Lord, and you would think that letting children do whatever they felt like doing would make them grow up to love you so much in respect you so much is actually the opposite is true. Look what happened in David's life with his son Adonijah first Kings chapter 1 verse six the Bible says his father David had never crossed him.

Can you imagine that there is not a child in the world.

Growing up, that that never does something wrong on never crossed him at any time or ask him why did you do that, but instead of responding and growing up, to love and respect David. This boy grew up to hate his father and even let a mutiny against his father David when his father became old hey you want to produce a healthy child friend then do what the Bible says in Ephesians 6 bring them up, not just in the nurture of the Lord, but in the discipline of the Lord put boundaries on their lives and then gentlemen have the courage and God's to stand by your gonzo and enforce those boundaries. Don't you let your child run your house you run your house number 91 exasperate our children when they get older. Undermine their relationships with their spouses member the old television program, all in the family member and remember what Archie Bunker used to always call his daughter's husband what he calling me head that's exactly right.

You want to really exasperate your daughter walk in her house sometime and say house meathead and see what happens. Walk into your son's house and will don't call your daughter-in-law meathead but just walk in there and give the impression that you'll like her. She can do anything good, you never wanted to marry her in the first place. You know you got no use for menu. Talk about exasperating your children you will do it on a massive scale number 10 one exasperate our children. The number 10 you think I'd make it sick. Number 10 when our children get older. Continue to treat them like a child now I have to tell you in our family. I am definitely the primary offender in this regard. And it's because of my basic nature.

My basic nature is I am a control freak and so cutting the umbilical cord to my children and let them go do whatever they want to do is adult has been very difficult to me and my wife, Brenda is constantly rebuking me on this.

She says to me for beta so you remember her words verbatim.

I do this on because I hear it all the time.

She says to me, Lon.

You boys are grown men. They resent you treating them like children. They have children of their own, for goodness sake, they're not your little boys anymore stop trying to control their lives verbatim, and every once in a while, one of my boys will come to me and asked for advice, and the my wife tells me what to do than to. She says give him the piece of advice, and then stop making clear that they don't have to follow your advice.

If they don't want to and I always say why wouldn't they want to. I mean I'm right there wrong. So why would they want to take my advice and that's when I exasperate my home five is that of my children. Geez.

Okay listen I'm sorry I'm bad at this, but it exasperates every body around me. This is a guaranteed way to do it. So let's summarize 10 ways to exasperate our children, and the point is, this is tongue-in-cheek. These are things we should not do number one love our children conditionally number two. Don't be involved in their lives. Number three favor one child above the rest. Number four never admit that were wrong number five be a riproaring hypocrite by making our children do what we won't do number six handle family issues on evenly and secretly seven always have something negative to say to our children a never discipline our children, nine undermine their relationship with their spouse in number 10 keep treating them like a child, so long but what if I've done a lot of this stuff is will we all have, I can imagine a person here that hasn't done a lot of these things in our career as a day so I said and what we do what we go back to our children and we apologize we go back to our children and we say man I become aware that I've done these and I continue to and out. I want you to forgive me. Now if your child is three this great though forgive you and you not if you child 33 then you may have to really humble yourself and say I'm really sorry and I barely been wrong but you know what I really would like to ask you to forgive me and I really like to have a new beginning in our relationship.

Folks, gentlemen.

We need to understand our children are aching to forgive us our children are their hurting, to forgive us their dying to forgive us, but they can't open that only you and I can open that door by going to the humbling ourselves and I promise you, you go to your child you humble yourself and there will be very, very few occasions where that child won't forgive you and say dad let's start over because they love you even though you drive them crazy. They love you give them a chance to forgive you and to start new Lord Jesus, thanks for talking to us today about fatherhood and everything we said applies to motherhood as well. Lord, being a father, as you know is not easy and we all make lots of mistakes and I thank you that you've worked a love for fathers in the children that's intrinsic and basic and that it can be tapped, and it can be revived if we will simply humble ourselves and accept the responsibilities for what we've done so many of us his father's here today need to make a phone call we need to make a personal visit need to go out to coffee with a child need to have a conversation like we talked about today. Help us to have the courage to do that.

Lord and then work in the heart of those children to have a heart to forgive us Lord, we know you care a lot about fathers and their relationships with their children, help us to have healthy ones because were doing them biblically and were doing them humbly so change our lives because we were here is Dale's because we sat under the teaching of the Word of God, and we pray this in Jesus name what God's people say amen and listening to sale 11.

Dr. Lon Solomon plan is and how arrangement Lon Solomon ministering to listen to today's message, or for more information visit our website. Lon Solomon ministries.org. Thank you for your support. If you would like to contact us, please visit our website or call us at 66788777. Join us next time in line to answer one of life's mission question