Matthew's Story, Pt. 3

This is conducive to light shines this darkness has the ill go home. It's hard going, experience like that back to normal life after years so he wanted to know a little bit about how your mission was especially you have somebody missionary quite some things are looking up for you yeah yeah I was excited to go home because I really like college is excited to go back and yeah you know just going all be with my family and knowing the language in this exciting but also terrifying to let them know I was the night Mao identity had been wrapped up in this idea that I'm a missionary, so it was it was a really rough transition going home and trying to figure out how you fit in the world. Also feeling like I thought my calling was to be a missionary. But you go home and I like while you're done with that now you know that you can't have the kind of give lip service to this idea. Being a member missionary and I know you're still missionary to go home but it's not at all the same every every arm can attest that you know it's not the same thing at all.

So it is not his.

So yeah, I was really rough, but I didn't like being home, especially since I was thrown right in the college like I got home first week of August and you know like two weeks later at back in college and I was taking calculus to like physics to and I can remember in physics one or Calc one is really rough plan to go back and review everything while I was learning new stuff and only that, but had I met a girl in my last area on mission and we had kinda like start talking.

After I got home and so it was our talk online and you know talk about your relationship. She was usually nice on this much is she like to convert recent color and that it turns out that is just a very early, go to is not a very good relationship is just she is the person I thought she was. But anyways I don't work out so that added to the stress and the pain of you know I like you know I was probably just naïve and I was hoping my committee agree. She said her soft neck.

We clicked.

At first, but it didn't work out. The party also had a wish. Like maybe if we dated and I could keep part of my mission. You know, like maybe we we got married that I can keep my mission with me so is, naïve no idea my part, but as I was going back and thinking about all these positive experiences on a mission was trying it was was trying to relive that experience.

But that I got it and then work out so capital part is that yeah but yes this was depressing to think about the elevator, Allman I was.

I remember asking my bishop multiple times.

I was going to my single board, not the detention of your getting married or something but just because our ward and I love people my age so I politely connect with them better ice member asked my bishop title Mike, calling like I just feel like useless to just do something and I'll I don't matter what it is and it was like months and months before I actually got calling and by atomic I just didn't care anymore so I hope, rejected by God and elected 100 maybe I didn't do is get on mission as I should have. Or maybe, especially with the breakup and then stressing home and just everything all piling up. I was like this for like I was alone again. You know what the public ice and have God in my life so you incredibly difficult experience of the time.

It's interesting Bruce on Mel the super calling and not one for several months and the transition same in Bellinger, my God, you and someone's equated Dell gestured with God using yeah I think so.

I think it's natural to feel like because the church is always telling you this to past Revelation, there is the path through personal revelation in prayer and there's the path through the priesthood authority in the church. So it seems like it within this authoritarian structure really can't have the complete you can't be completely united to God by yourself. You have to access God through the church and so I felt like when I wasn't getting as calling it public is being ignored and I know the bishop was and try to do that is not how I can put the blame is another date they get busy and and I think at some maybe having to do with my paperwork not transferring over from my home ward on exactly member of the details but it just felt like yeah like I being rejected. Not getting this this calling for like it was God himself, those kind of pushing me away and it is difficult to get through that I'm not entirely sure how I got over it.

To be honest, but I'm at time heals all wounds, right statement, but I think a lot of cases. Mr. Sunday just getting over the breakup having space and time. After that, and getting through this kind of rejection and kind of just getting back to normal and feeling like okay not a missionary Maureen I'll just just your return missionary just got a deal at that schedule regular marketability go back and do that again. But what's funny is ice like. Still to this day all have dreams of getting off the train and I'm in France again in a missionary I could sit so strange to think about that does not have been out of the church were cleared up is something that is just part of my psyche. You know, like when we neared for two years are doing the same thing day in and day out.

That's all you want to be. It's like it's a party you can't take it with you that it's it's like in your soul so I really I really am grateful for my mission experience in the transitioning home is difficult, but I and I don't regret it at all. That's just kind of a shame that looking back now I wish I could've had a similar experience but no anyways, I'll go more into new Job Calvinists.

I understood his mission was back to school where we were going to school time will be studying on the pseudonyms something leading into the field with difference today. Yeah, when it went to called my pressure.

My intention is become programmer so I was computer science major and I was attending we receive mercy which is in Ogden, Utah, and several of the school. It's a small school but it's teaching university don't really have dedicated research faculty. There are some maybe some programs but you know they have a few masters programs but are typically professional so the focus is really on teachings of the professors there will are there because they want to teach. That's what I really liked about it, just enough, a neighbor of mine. I grew up with Brandon.

It's actually a chemistry professor in there now, so crazies is my agent graduate with a PhD in chemistry saw shut out the Brandon letter Dr. Brennan say the yes of the Weaver State University house when I came home from a mission you know I when I left the mission. I think I was using Java version 5 like that and I came back from a mission there using my Java version 9 or something so I mean it's basically the same but quite a bit different, so that was kind of thing about me is it all right and I'm tired of light software constantly evolving. I don't want to be in all in my 60s or 70s and realize I have to learn some crazy brand-new software technology saws like maybe or something technical but still will bit more's and all of them were constant. No, not as a not as fluctuating as like computer sizes, computer science is a great building a an objection having to do a lot of programming for my field anyway so I did completely escape it, but yes, so that's when I was interested in doing engineering is my grandfather, my mom side.

He's he was a mechanical engineer at Thiokol ATK.

Now I think most of their not around anymore, but they desired the solid rocket motors for the space program so you tell me stories about all the cool products he would work on the back of the back of 60s and 70s and stuff and some of it was classified a declassified so somebody probably couldn't tell me that sums up because is a school there. All the cool products he worked on and I'd had an aptitude and interest in science and physics, chemistry, mathematics second think so at all, just fit so but the problem with that is Weaver doesn't have a mechanical engineering program so I had to year to of course is there that we were stating that I had to transfer so I transferred to University Utah and finish my mechanical engineering degrees are when Rosa so I graduate my bachelors in science in 2013, and yet so any nighttime also contracting out what agile going to get into. That's when I been taking this knowledge physics courses and they got into quantum mechanics and nuclear physics and just just a taste of it.

Not really deep but I was really core elected.

I really liked sitting radiation upon others graduate program in nuclear engineering at University Tom I got slight errors in xenograft super psyched about it so I read all about it in all different things you could do with nuclear and I wrote reports for my English corporate English courses may generally courses related engineering is really pumped up about it and so ever since then I've been planning to do nuclear side bachelors and applied for the mass to the graduate program in nuclear such that it received my Masters Erin defend my thesis matzoh that cited that patient 2015. Then when I finish that, and I want to go onto more schooling so I applied to a state because it's never good to do, you know, bachelors and Masters, PhD often the same school you can do it, but they cannot suggest you scratch out a little bit so I played a few programs and originally was going to do something strictly fluids related so I played RPI because they have a really renowned professor includes here but I ended up doing something else, multi-physics, so that's I ended up at the noun in Troy, New York work on that point, RPI Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute's Newman school so is when I left the that's before I left to come here to RPI in Troy. I had already started to kind of encounter doubts and before that iodide was totally into the church 2015 still in but I started to question when I was a teacher from a Sunday school course and I was giving a lesson is_my signals were and I was talking to the temple and so I was talking everybody like you know Haywood Temple zoning most of you been to the temple is a returned missionary so he shrilled tell me all about it. So I asked what what are the ordinances that we do the temple on every out really silently got really quiet and I was like, like, what's the big deal you know you can talk about the temple is wrong with that letter I think is just inherent in the LDS psyche looks like dieting. Be careful. You want to say too much because that's too bad because they come in its operability thing so you know he talked about somebody mentioned baptism of the dead and endowments and it's only raises hand and then he mentioned he mentioned the second endowment is like a second endowment sounds familiar but I don't know what that is.

I'll get back to you on so that I could take a lesson and I would back to study that and I'm sure you guys have heard of that of the second hour. The second anointing yeah so that was the first I'd heard about it or read about it. Perform a mission and I kind of just like Russians. I like the following important story about it but when I heard about again. You know it. At this point I'd been to college. I was nearly done with my Masters degree so I had a little bit more confidence in my ability to reason to look at evidence and rationalize the evident CO2 to absorb the evidence to analyze and to come to the conclusion about what kind of knockout hypothesis good pace around the data so I didn't have to just rely on what others thought about the data you like apologetics or apologists I could actually read myself and kind of trust that my mind would be able to deduce the logical conclusion, so I read read into it and I read from the dialogue. Journal of Mormon thought when they talked about the second anointing and adjusting very strange to me and it really bothered me got under my skin. This idea that I was working so hard. My mission is working so hard to try to be better to to prove to God that I loved him the debt to become something that I wanted to be common trying to rely on Jesus and I felt like I was really praying to Jesus and honorable brain family father that Jesus is atomic, making something better and I just really wanted to become like Christ is what I want to be a Christlike personage stomachache just could never get that. I just felt like this. This this goal. Like you, like a like a crazy dream where you're trying to get to the doorway and you feel like you're almost within an arms length and soon as you get there.

The door shoots past you and you gotta run another mile to get to a knife like you're almost there. That is most reflected are better than that and you lose it so that that this idea that there is this ordinance that's only given to a select few people that guarantees that you'll enter heaven. No matter what you do as long as you don't commit murder or or the setting is Holy Ghost you're guaranteed to go to reach exaltation to become a god etc. etc. that is bother me because I just thought about all the good people my life. The work so hard and in need to just working so hard to try to have some comfort, some peace, some assurance and never really getting it. And then these people they got it know these people that received the second anointing. They did receive this this piece that I wanted and I thought, why, why can't we have access to that. Why is it only for heard this select VIP group. Why can I have it and it that really dug in and my skin.

The net have forced me to re-examine my my own views of the church and the history of the church and didn't stop there. I started to examine the foundations of the restoration of the priesthood. The whole idea of the book of Mormon need the validity of the three-day witnesses and their testimonies. Joseph Smith's treasure digging is just everything you know started with the second anointing that is just re-examining everything and polygamy to not just a thought.

Not only that you married young women. But the fact that he married women that were already married another man is always all these things just just really just really disconcerting to me just I was just it was his gradual is a very gradual process but like I just felt more and more uneasy over time and at this time I was dating Ivan dating saw her about two years now and I feel like this is just a test my faith that this was God testing the and that I would. I would read and I would seek out the answers and I would find an answer to my my problems to these things that are bothering me, and as time went on I was just kind of got worse and worse and I found more more problems and less and less answers and I just struggled a little bit that summer before leaving for Detroit to attend church tried. I was doing an internship in Idaho so I did. I think I attended church. They're not constantly those disposes digging into books and trying to solve this problem. You know I because looking at what an engineer what you just have a probably got a solid situs gotta be answered so that I can keep my faith but but I guess it held onto this this this hope that that I can get through to the end of it to be a stronger latter-day St. now can be like, you know to be representative of the church and I could help other people, whether the same thing I did, and by the time I've been engaged to be married to go emanating at a time and so I had like this incentive to want to find answers. I work really hard at it. So you want to move to Troy started my doctoral studies. Here I was spending most of my free time just reading just getting into any books I could find anything. A divine head just to getting worse and worse and is more more difficult and I just was not finding that the resolution I was hoping for and I got to where I realize like this may that this may not get any better in all that hope and I held onto that I could keep my testimony.

I thought Icahn might lose it like I might know my element is the testimony, but I couldn't.

I could let anybody know because there is this idea in the other search toilets like if you have doubts can't really share them because I just have to go along with the flow that the both the programming and after the put on a face and pretend like everything's okay. Even though inside I was like a complete mess of stars are so messed up my head and my heart is sick to my stomach just really bad time.

So this was about, so it had been. After about a year and half of Canada started digging into the stuff where spring of 2016 will of preparing for the marriage and she said you know are resorting married to Mike not.

I do want to like I just got a hold out your God convenience.

I want and I don't know exactly what was printed off the just records from Brigham Young and you know changes to the LDS doctrines just on this stuff just builds up you let shelters get heavier and heavier and just one day. The stress of that post. The stress of school and exams something like that. I just I just completely cracked and I just completely had a mental breakdown. I just I just homemade my fiancé. I told her I can't do this. Don I can't handle this anymore like that's pretty much I said and I told my mom that I told her I Mike you know I can reject what I said is something like you know whatever happened. Mom does know that I love you have a really cryptic message – off my phone and was the second just complete despair and I just I think it was a movie you know I Was raining that day am pretty sure during the day so was walking home around 61. Like why God what ice can't. I can't believe that a been lied to Michael. If I played my shelter cracked like the church can't possibly be true.

It's like there's too many logical contradictions as to there's too many changes, the doctrines, how could God change the doctrine of salvation. One day you'll pretty silliest profit said that you have to be married polygamy on a polygamous marriage to get to heaven and then they change their mind. Years later, just all these contradictory messages.

I just couldn't take it and I just lost it. So for like the next few days.

I was just inconsolable. I was just in my apartment by myself but no one to talk to no one.

The two event with so I just try to deal with on my own, probably two or three days later after my phone back on and I just needed not just the time to figure things out so I just took those few days off try to figure out my life and I wanted to Michael back on. You know I had about 20 messages Alberti messages on my phone pop. About 17 I got a phone call right when I turn my phone back on Michael right at that instant office is problems or what, but my friend called me and he said Royal Davidson GammaRay. He nodded no that he knew about my mental breakdown.

So yeah, I mean not really good right now will be okay and he said yeah man it's really hard it really, really sad to hear about what happened in Faust abuses that were likely talking about cases yeah you know so you know, really sorry his own did you find out that the that your fiancé broke off the engagement and so in my mind as I go. I guess it's office is probably a month and 1/2 away so she broke it off because based on my message. Nothing I could do it anymore. I could be in the church anymore. The connecting so she broke off the engagement and house, left there to pick up the pieces by myself. New York is a really rough time that any real friends or family here so I just try to figure things out and to who I have figure out what I want to believe.

LOL ago Skyway for a few weeks talking her and all prior to the bone. When you were going I tried I tried I tried to hint at some things I've been struggling with admission, things like she was. She was a returned missionary so she really wanted to be in a church rest of her life but she was kind of like a lot of LDS are I think where you go and you totally how much of the church you believe the church is true, but it's it's a very fine line that without the testimony, kind of anxiousness or fear that there may be just one thing that sets you offer cruise of the church is true.

So I know I had known in the past, you know, based on other conversations, where I was more intellectually open to reading stuff that may not be pro LDS material, but anything like that.

If I told her I was reading a book that was, not written by an LDS author something kind of figure out a little bit you know if you'd like why are you reading the book of Mormon in Re: prayer you are you staying still strong in the church that I began orienting us know this is something interesting reading that kind of a appeaser, so I knew that if her to bring any of us up with her.

I would really scare away know that I tried. I tried to share some things like in a in a nonconfrontational way I be like so I was reading about username is like she's it. It's a woman has like five names is Mary like three or four times setting and answers of the gazebo exit is answers that she is. She's one-on-one and it was married. She is married previously and then she was married pointlessly to Joseph Smith and then after Joseph died she went to live, so she was kind of always staying with her first husband know you know she is married to Joe Joseph as she stated diverse husband Joseph died Brigham Young came in and kind of like to call were on kind of took all of Joseph Smith's previous wives go to care of them so he cannot pour her from her first husband's house and said well she's my wife so that story was one of the real breaking points of my testimony is like that's just despicable not take literally forcing a woman from her husband's home. I just couldn't. I just couldn't stand that. So I cannot try to bring up the story about their liquidity by dying on one of our us today like what if we are like after were married at the stake president came up to us and said you know what I know she's your wife, but God told me that she's been my wife and she can anymore that a select will not be really crazy and she said well you know I don't know if you want talk about it. She's try to avoid it gently on think about it and kind as it was part of history know you want to worry about it.

Now it's it's done with an illegal practice polygamy. So I try to bring stuff up there but I knew after the conversation that she just was not in all like her. Her shields were up. She was just not willing to talk about anything so that was part of why I kind of exploded emotionally and mentally is is I just had no outlet had no one to talk to about this stuff no one here New York knows anything about Mormonism so so there like out all yet something over to me to know about anything you so after after the point I got it. I'd briefly felt like I was like, considering all options like my can become an agnostic or atheist, but at that point as acknowledging nothing by clinician and other times, like knowledge, there's too many times or God. I thought God was there in my life you emotionally or just to look at the protected or how I got it interceded in my life. There's no way that can be a God I guess is this is preposterous and counter to figure what to do and so so I was trying to deal those informational after the emotional explosion. I was like okay I think I can make this work. You know I maybe maybe I can say are the same but will but we'll see him him him open options. So I think I'm an intellectual guiding all like a toy gun blessing the assumable logic known by his grace. So I started listening to the debates on YouTube so just I was like well you know McMinnville considering other Christian religions are just I just googled like Christian debate something that I came across one of James White's the docketing device debate set with Ottomans pack will is either on the papacy ordered the Roman Catholic priesthood was a person I listen to. So that introduced me to Kauai. Christian theology versus Catholic theology and I just I just love debates so like I just washed a ton of them on YouTube and started reading books and nothings like that.

I just found a very intellectually stimulating, and I was like you know like maybe maybe I can make something out of this hedonic. Maybe I can sale the ethnic make it work.

You know like sure I will believe this other stuff you have about me like this is a personal experience I can do what you want it, try to go to subjective route.

You know, Kenneth had try to ignore the part that if I can just keep what I what I liked but is still difficult because I didn't really generally fix the problem and I still felt like I was a sinner that need to be saved us a supper like I did know what to do, had been introduced to the Trinity and I've started reading stuff from Jim's wife and watching his program.

The dividing line so I got started to learn a little bit about Christian theology and and even reformed theology in Connecticut.

I just grew and grew like this does need this disc longer to just be saved or just to know God, because I was like I don't know if God is one God. I don't know if it's the Christian God.

I don't know what he is, but whatever he is.

I just wanted I just need to be saved. And so it I just hope the stickiest sclerosis just heavy feeling for days around us the summer of 2016 just just kept growing again. You know I got the same kind of just gross feeling you had while studying district history is felt like just just gross to set up just just as the Lord and so I remember kneeling down to pray my apartment and going to God in prayer and say God I know. I don't know what you are exactly.

I don't know who you are. If you're the LDS God not here an exalted man I'll believe that the train got all believe that I don't care what it is and I just cried out to God to just please just just save me from this despair from the sins just it's just I want to saving this cried out to me on. I just felt so discussing his public edges needed him to use them to pull me out of this is Meyer that I was caught in and yeah I only got Haddix spiritual strength is my life, but but at that moment I had a smidge grades I'd never had before. It was just like this like walking through a waterfall where you just know your covered in mud just disgusting and stinky just the way down and I got Holy Ghost walking for waterfall night all that mud and all that filth and that Mark was just washed my head to toe. Just all that fear that anger that that builds the him surety the uncertainty all houses washed away as Selena just felt just pure joy had never felt anything like that before I I went to Mike and being capably tired is run down and just like almost spiritually dead, just feeling like I was a completely new person like you just had energy, I could just I was just running around my apartment is feeling so completely ecstatic is just it was probably like two or three in the morning, but I felt like it was one in the afternoon you guys had so much energy I just remember lying on my bed and just thinking and praising God. And just what this is the answer in a lot while studying obvious church history. I wanted this answer. And like I was wanting is inserted to just assure me and I in a culture where to go after that. But I just just what God had connected with the again electrical really connected with in a way that I never had before and so I just went to bed praising and thanking God in the best I can describe it is like the next two or three days. Psychologist floating on a cloud like everywhere I went.

I just felt like I was up in the I was up in the air like I was his flock floating around wherever I went.

I just had this gift might my step-by-step is energy that never had before and it's for like is completely new person and you know nothing changing iced onto the same lab is at the same see has lived in the same apartment is public is completely different has had a desire to just want to know more just want to learn more and and him and you know what I do know is can be LDS, you know, I kind of collecting the CSR wanted middle. I'll be able to serve a mission. Also I can get it knowledge as a senior missionary can drain the temple. Now he nodded no. I was excited for whatever was coming so I walked holding him up to try to figure out where to go from there.

God's guidance was kept reading targeting.

Lillian said Bible commentaries targeting brilliant Bible commentaries and study Bibles and watching debates and I watched James White's program so he's reformed and that he would review three passages I John six, and that he would say no. No one can come to the father. No one can come to me unless he is drawn by the father is drawn if he comes to me that I will will be lifted up at the last day and so then James why would describe that the reformed perspective and I'd like there's no way that's really not try to try to prove Michael Moran perspective that he was wrong. I couldn't disprove them, but I was willing to accept what he said either, because that's what the text says so. So I'll read it and that's that's like well you know I'm not really quite to accept that maybe there's a different interpretation. I can go with but cited Without the background I Considered. After watching Mormon stories a lot.

Watch the hammer home John John area again. I watched his is Mormon stories where he talked about how Christ to be a place for doubting Mormons to go you know if they feel like notice or to the right for them minutes, transition place to go and they were still kind of unsure about the Trinity, but it's not seem to make sense. See over time it started make more sense. And so I considered her time owing to the need of Christ.

But after that I saw was like I was trying to rekindle that relationship with my former fiancé and and there is a possibility that you know that we could we could still get married so that I was kind of a temptation to I think they not temptation with just my thought processes like maybe this is true also always give it a shot. So I try to try to pick up the pieces and state of the S again but just the more I study the more I read over the months and months, the less he gnaws like I can't. I can't do this subjective thing I can't. I can't be part of the church and pick and choose what I want to believe it's either true or it's not. There is no there's no cafeteria Mormonism in my mind you nonsecure reader pure Mormon or you're not in so is it on a type A rose just continuing to study Christian theology, study, try figure out what I what I wanted to believe what I thought the Bible taught I was only real anchor I had was God in the Bible so was like wherever whatever God leads me nuts from AOL care where it leads Abrams to believe truth overtakes so a lot of transitions in 2016 and so yes so that I study I looked around for a while for church and the question was Trista Joyner, which church to go to because as a Mormon being a church.

The first thought is like okay well only be Christian with one of the thousands of denominations. Should I join it. That's usually the first question asked so low is performed. Theology.net limits it significantly so that my beginning of my journey when I can have my conversion experiences are like what if I leave and become Christian. When I go I could be completed. Christ know your Tamino is very similar. Or could do this or not but on the reformed theology.

I think God, the doctor uses a means to help make it easier for me because I'm a very I have a very hard time making decisions, especially decisions as important as eternal heaven or hell Hannah height which church to doing something God can use as a means you're forming and I guess I just made sense to me. So I thought is drawn towards it so much I was I was I was drawn to in my area I found two churches. I could attend I could attend the OPC church so Orthodox Presbyterian Church or form Baptist Church side started hitting those two churches can simultaneously while stripping out theology, figure out with one-on-one. Cool. One last question for me is there anything you would like to say to any Latter Day Saints servicing and right now I just urge them to go back to the word, don't take what I say is authoritative know I'm not an authority on this. The guy who's I believe is been saved by God's grace alone. Just go to the Bible as Paul said there there may be some passages that you don't understand or having trouble grappling with, but just go to the Bible, just read it, just pray for God to teach you what it says if there's either one or two options. If you're right if I don't think you're right about that I'm wrong when you read the Bible you know processing of this hypothetical situation.

If I'm right in the wrong. There's nothing to lose by studying the Bible in depth, but hypothetically and I truly believe that that the God save me and that this is the preposition I'm just saying. Hypothetically, if were right and you have everything to gain by reading the word and trusting what it says. So I just urge them just to go to the word just one of the books actually studied by Mormons as moments just read Romans straight through.

Sorry chapter 1 and just pray for God to give you because in it says that God justifies the ungodly knob fireworks by our faith. And that's one thing that does not change in his inspired translation as he changed it from God justifies the ungodly to God justifies not the ungodly hour. Just ask any of his listeners just to think about why he would add that not why do we have to become godly first before God justifies is it even possible case on Romans chapter 1 through three and we become godly viral works and then God justifies us, how is any impossible says it is. It's just just go back to the words read it pray on it have God bring understanding and if you're the Latter Day Saints already doubting that are already known kind of out heading out of the church just don't feel like every church is now why that's a lie that the church told it's not one is true in the rest of Paul's point.

The point is not which church is true. The point is, how are you saying how do you come to know God.

I don't believe that my church is the only true church. I believe the Christ is the way to salvation is relationship with him go to him in. Decide about finding the right building of the right theological construct. I could be wrong I could be wrong in my belief of Calvinism. Our as a is a report about this. I could be wrong but will look what matters is Christ.

That's that's the thing the whole to and that's what matters most in salvation so you said you have really nothing to lose our dischargeability us person just to go to the word just read it and not be afraid to trust in God and man. We thank you for tuning into this episode of the out apprentice podcast we like to hear from you. You're invited to visit the other brightness podcast page on Facebook.

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