Marriage that Works - Marriage - A Holy Covenant, Part 1

What keeps the marriage together. The going gets done.

I mean, what kindles the flame of love and passion. After years of taking their toll mistakes made. I want you know you can have a great marriage for the next two weeks will look at how to bring hope and healing and happiness that's today welcome to this Friday edition of living on the head Chip Ingram, Living on the Edges of international discipleship and history featuring the Bible teaching of Chip Ingram today. Chip starts a new series marriage that works for the next two weeks will discover what it takes to enjoy it. Looking to strengthen one now build one in the future have to miss a portion of today's broadcast. Remember you can always hear this higher broadcast online living on the.org about your strip with today's message marriage a holy covenant Genesis chapter 2 for there is no doubt about it. Weddings are awesome right means address the food. The family the dreams fulfilled, but that the statistics say that as wonderful as weddings are most marriages are awful.

I mean, I went on the web and I found some research is that the American family. As we've known it as an a husband and wife married with kids from their union is less than 25% of all marriages now in America. I went on another one found out that average age men getting married is 29. The average age of women is 27. About 60% of the people end up in divorce get married before 18 it jumps up to about 60, 65% 65% of all the people who get married before they get married they live together, and then the research says if you live together, the probability of divorce goes higher and only 21% of all the people that live together 5 to 7 years later are still together. It gets beyond that, the pole in the Harris poll was a very interesting mass college students about eight or 10 years ago. Do you agree with the sentence sentence was having a close knit family is the key to happiness. 97% said that's what I really want.

Almost all of us want that and very very few people will experience it as a result of the breakdown of the family in one word is disintegrating. It's imploding right before our eyes.

As a family breaks up some very tragic things happen in most cases the every child living today up to about 80% of them will find themselves in some season of their life without a dad is just the way it's working. Dad will move on or not be around and then the research the highest correlation we have between poverty, abuse, gang participation nearly the top 10 things that destroy our lives are related to homes where the father is absent not understand all that except God has a blueprint and design for man and woman to meet together to be committed to one another and create an umbrella of safety for their kids.

And as that breaks down the ripples of destruction go out farther and farther. If one of your parents was divorced, the probability of you having a divorce jumps up to 69%.

If you and the person that you're marrying have both come from families that are divorced. It triples 289%. All I want to tell you is the family as we've known it in the hopes that we have are crumbling before our eyes. 40% of Americans right now think that marriage is obsolete and in Europe they were almost completely done away with it in terms of the Christian family. It's in demise of this what I just shared the statistics between barn and Gallup and others would say it's almost non-distinguishable between quote those who claim to be followers of Christ and all the statistics that I just shared and you go to, well, what's the cause of that and so I went to some secular research. This is not what Christians were pastors or parachurch organization say, but secular research in religion and sociology say the primary cause of family disintegration is increasing. Failure to hold marriage and marriage commitments in high esteem and so somewhere along the line the idea that you really keep your commitment that it's through thick and thin that you keep your vowels secular research is telling us that people don't think in this categories anymore, and as a result of that everyone has struggles and ups and downs but now when the struggles come oh I must've married the wrong person. I got a problem. Let's forget it.

Last night heard of a couple stories were someone just you know read an email that inferred this inferred that and filed for divorce. This morning I got a message from a guy said were going through the series you taught called experiencing God's dream for your marriage, and in this section. My wife after that was convicted and privately told me she just ended an affair that went on for nine months and he said I'm devastated and I really want this to work, but I don't know where to go from here. Do you have any help for me and what I want to tell you is me.

These are Christian people were living in a world in a culture where having a great marriage gets harder and harder and harder. I remember reading an article, a number of years ago because it's from a an older book as a Harvard sociologist named Carl Zimmerman, just not what I want you to get is this is not a series to how to make your marriage will be better okay now it will do that but I want you to understand we are looking at a catastrophic movement of the disintegration of the family and marriage that has unbelievable implications.

One third of all the people who are divorced and up below the poverty line. The economic ramifications there just huge issues.

What happens to kids and grandkids and culture Carl Zimmerman Harvard sociologist studied every major Empire in its fall, and more specifically, he evaluated and traced the role of the family in each Empire.

He concluded that families go through three distinct phases. The last occurring just before each major Empire fell in his book, family and civilization.

He listed these characteristics of families in the final stage so you listen and then you tell me where you think we are and how important this is one marriage lost its sacredness and alternative forms of marriage were advocated to feminist movements flourished three parenting became more difficult for adultery was celebrated, not punished for sexual perversion abounded, including beast reality, but especially incest and homosexuality just goes on to say that when these things occur in a culture. You see, not just the decline but the fall of an Empire so if you didn't feel like we have some issues.

Hopefully you do now, so let's talk about what's God's design in the let's let's go back to, you know, this is my old old paperback Bible what what does God say if you are an engineer and you spent years and years.

I mean creating, refining and defining the best BMW or the best Mercedes or the best Lexis or the best Ferrari and you you knew that he needed this kind of gas need to be run like this and need to be set like this and people were put in a little bit aghast a little bit of water in it and they were driving it crazy they never change the oil you would go nuts.

And then people come in complaining my Ferrari is not working the way it's supposed to enrich my Mercedes and let God.

Is the designer and created a blueprint for how marriage and families work. We are not following it and were receiving the consequences of that when you look at that blueprint risk and look at it and say this is how the creator who loves you.

Who wants you to have this deep meaningful relationship.

This is how we designed it so you're ready open your Bibles if you will to Ephesians chapter 5.

What I want to do is give you an overview of God's instruction for marriage, not just gonna read it and make three observations and then get unpacking to talk about what is a man to be what is a woman to be what is a man to do and what is a woman to do one topic very specifically how to love one another and follow God's design in a way that I can testify actually works even if you come from a dysfunctional past. So with that we you pick up his instruction in verse 21 he stalked in verse 18, about how to be filled with the spirit of allowing God to control your life. And then he begins to apply it to specific relationships. Verse 21 and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. This idea of mutual love and mutual submission, mutual concern, radical sacrifices thing the only one in the only way that marriage can work is first and foremost, each party needs to understand God is in charge of and so you submit in care and are selfless to one another. It's not about me and mine and getting my way. It's about how does this relationship honor God and I will receive from him and do what he says to give my mate. What he or she needs. And then he says okay what would that look like wise, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord for the husband is the head of the wife is Christ is also head of the church, he himself being the Savior of the body, but as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be to their own husbands in everything. And that if that doesn't sound ridiculous enough like are you kidding me.

He says to the husband's husbands, love your wives will how just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of the water with the word that he might present to himself the church in all of her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and blameless.

So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. Few loves his own wife loves himself. No one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes it and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church because we are members of his body, and in this passage from the Old Testament that is God's core design for marriage Genesis chapter 2 he quotes for this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.

This mystery is great but I'm speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each individual among you love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see to it that she respects her husband. Observation number one. It requires mutual submission to God and to each other. God designed marriage. He has a specific role in our relationship with him in a specific role in our relationship with one another and I need to submit that I need to say this is really really hard and I don't get how to love my mate in a way that's meaningful to them and whatever the engineer or designer. Whatever the blueprint is that's the way I want to do it. Second observation is you need to learn how to love your mate now you need to love them and way that God designed them to receive it and so there's roles for the husband and things that I mean as a husband. I'm given this absolutely impossible job of loving my wife to the degree that would actually give my physical life to die in her place that I would nourish her cherry sure be sensitive to her needs. Create a world in an environment where she would flourish.

I can't do that on my own and then she so I'm supposed to step up and then she's told this ridiculous commandment that she needs to step in and meet needs in my life and love me and partner with me in a way that to her says that sounds scary.

I can't trust that guy. He's of like, and she's been married to me for a while and so she says but God if you'll give me the strength I will give because my husband is desperate for respect you knew long before all the books were written. These male egos are very very fragile and I need to be to him and love him in ways that will help them be the man that you created to be and is he does what he's called to do and as I do what I'm called to do.

We learn to love in ways that build a bond and that create stability. That's what God says the third observation is your marriages has even a bigger purpose than your happiness and I'm all for happiness. Believe me, but did you notice that there's as multiple references to Christ and the church, God instituted a couple things historically that are very important one. He instituted the family. It's an institution that is for offspring and for stability and for culture and so what he says is yes.

It's about your fulfillment in your happiness and pleasure.

And so you're not alone.

There's lots of reasons for marriage but he says when your marriage follows his design.

You will reflect Christ's relationship to his church. He uses that metaphor when your Ferrari or BMW or Lexus runs like a fine-tuned machine and takes corners like crazy and just, I mean runs in a way it sends a compliment back to the designers and engineers and that's what God wants for my marriage and for years, so it's not just about our happiness. Now let's talk about the design of the blueprint and what I've read what I want to give you now.

Did you notice the little equilateral triangle. I wanted to give you the blueprint in a pictorial form instead of just word don't want you to get a picture and notice of the variance equilateral triangle God is at the top woman is on the right man is on the left would you take your pen out and circle the word God and and and next to it just right. It's his idea.

In other words, marriage just isn't like some cultural, sociological phenomenon that someone today when we try this one out.

Marriage is God's idea, it's really important. Second thing I want you to notice at the very bottom.

If you put a little box around where it says Genesis 224 and then right above at the word oneness.

The goal of marriage is oneness. If you come from a psychological background write the word intimacy. The goal is to connect your heart. God created marriage when he said, is not good for man to be alone. It was to solve the aloneness problem. There's something there's a reason 97% of all college students say someday, some white, to find Mr. right or Miss right in our souls are to come together and we have this amazing relationship. 88% of the people in America believe that there is a soulmate out there somewhere. Being prepared for them. So, 9/10 people believe some day, some way I'm going to find that person that that's in your DNA.

That's in your soul. You long for it. I long for it and God says you know what, that's the plan.

I want you to be connected but notice there's three levels of connection or oneness at the bottom of the equilateral triangle. It's a spiritual and what I like you to do on the right little line and right soul mates SOUL soul mates God want you to have a connection spiritually.

A connection that has to do with your relationship with God and in my case current relationship with God where there is a unity or oneness of your of your spirits and your soulmates. Now this is completely foreign to some of us.

I never saw my parents kiss growing up alone I never saw him, pray my dad was an alcoholic and he was a great guy, a good alcoholic, but we were dysfunctional. I just didn't know how dysfunctional target married and I brought my baggage and then I find you, and I wanted to make it really hard so Teresa's dad was an alcoholic so she brings her stuff and then we thought, let's up the ante so in light of some difficulty came to Christ after being abandoned as a non-Christian, and so let's when we got married. I had two small kids we have a blended family.

So we have an alcoholic pass. I get merely got to four-year-olds and I don't have a clue and I feel called to ministry after being a passable coach for a while and a year entire marriage. I'm thinking this is crazy.

She really loves God, which makes me nuts. I mean really makes me nuts. We can't resolve conflict. You know, she rolled to the right eye roll to the left cheek. She deals with her anger and a really unique way.

She doesn't talk me for two days and being the Pharisee that I was I would walk around till two in the morning thing we need to talk about this. We got talk talk talk because the Bible says don't let your anger go down on you and she put the pillow overhead. So the greatest thing that happened us as we went got counseling. I'm making $1000 a month. Big money back, going to school full-time and I find myself in counseling paying 90 bucks a crack every week. The best money I respect. I shared that just so you know that if you're having troubles welcome to the NFL.

Everybody has troubles. It's what you do with them. But there's a plan and there is a design we don't do it every morning and sometimes I need some time alone. First but nearly every morning. Whoever gets up first in my house makes the coffee were early risers and so then we get a couple coffee and more than likely, maybe it's 10 minutes. Sometimes it's a half-hour what's going on with you today where you feel the pressure what's coming up and will just talk back and forth in them. I just I just grab her hand and we just talk to God together. We just pray together and it and here's what I can tell you is there. There is a closeness that ranks up there with sexual union. When your spirits come together before God. God does something that draws you together will that just became a part of our relationship. It took time I was was very awkward early on. Second thing God wants is notice that spiritual oneness but soul oneness. Put put a little arrow out from that and right best friends. God wants your mate to be your best friend. The goal was never that you get married and she gets involved in the kids and you get, you know, hopped up on your work and then she hangs out with gals you watch ESPN or read the Wall Street Journal with your with your face and it was never God's plan.

God wants you to talk and walk and have fun in a pod member for some of you when you dated for those of you that are dating now. Meet it's it's not being friends that's God's design is others talking. There's communication and you learn how to resolve conflict and then finally noticed the oneness goes to the body, but a little – passionate lovers. Unit sex is holy will read a little bit later in Hebrews chapter 13 God says he wants the marriage bed to be undefiled. God created six.

In fact, especially in men. There's a hormone that secreted during and after sexual activity that creates a sense of fondness with their mate. It's one of the windows of time, researchers have told us when a man wants to open up and share what's going on inside. And God has connected that to this very important part of union but sex instead of something that's over here something is just physical becomes the culmination of a spiritual soul, mental, emotional, so it's the expression of your union, your commitment and your freedom and your love for one another and what we've done in our culture is we've separated sex from love. And so the false intimacy is going on the Internet looking at pictures of naked people at the false intimacy that's trying to fill a hole that is here or reading romance novels and imagining that life would be so much better or worse.

The statistics are read recently where 68% of the people to get involved in extramarital affairs often start on a social network for all the sudden you have struggles and an old flame from high school or college and people start chatting and talking and you know what the journey is so painful. How's that working for you. I mean, what if we just asked that question so so how is the way were living our lives and treating our married house that really working for. How's that working for our kids. How's that working for finances. How's that working for intimacy because at work and for fulfillment. I will tell you what. It's overwhelming not well God wants oneness and intimacy for you. Now I want you if you would. This is this is what you to take your notes and put them on your lap and I want you to put one finger where it says man and one finger words his woman right on, you know, trying okay. Humor me this you get a lot out of this. The people who do this will be deeply blessed. Okay now I want you to do is I want you to move your fingers halfway up the triangle. I now for those who majored in geometry.

You can really help us are our fingers. Now closer together, or farther apart you see a correlation now okay now I want to move it up to about 1/8 or 1/16 of an inch below where it says God, but you're still okay not where your fingers now. Are you closer or farther apart. Seek God created marriage he created marriage to solve the deepest emotional, spiritual and physical needs. You'll ever have. What you take a breath on this planet and he actually designed it in such a way that apart from him. It doesn't work and the reason he did that is because he is so concerned not just your marriage. Working but he wants to have a relationship with you and that's why the greatest thing you'll ever do for your marriage is to become a committed, passionate follower of Jesus because he gives you the power and the freedom and the grace to give your mate what you can't give on your own seat upon our marriage is unmarried.

A selfish person you not laughing because you know it's true. But the problem in our marriage for her was she married a selfish person and when I want mine and she wants hers and we play this game, but when she starts doing this course shall stop doing that horror when he gets on the ball and if he will take what that never ends. What happens when that gets turned around whether she responds or not God's design chip you what a man does you lay down your life for your wife and you love her, regardless of whether she responds or if that's not farewell.

Of course it's not fair when I'm trying to do fair were trying to make a great Mary you want oneness or not.

Chip yeah yeah yeah will then shut up and do it my way. I don't have the power to do that and so I don't get up in the morning and read the Bible and talk to God about my struggles because I think, oh gosh got the checkboxes off and doing so good I do it because I'm a desperate man in need of power and grace to give my wife what I don't have the giver and all I can tell you is after 32 years and multiple struggles and a lot of hard work. As I give that to her and then she gives back to me systems occurred where instead of trying to get get get you learn over time to outdo one another in giving and you have spiritual oneness and then you have best friends and then you have deep, intimate physical union that expresses what your heart words can say that's God's design chip will be right back. But if you're just joining us, you're listening to living on the head Chip Ingram chips message today is from his series marriage that works in it. He goes back to the basics of how to develop and maintain a deep and intimate marriage with your strengthening yours now or looking to build one in the future for all the details on this powerful no holds barred truth and grace filled series give us a call at 1-888-333-6003 or visit us online at http://livingontheedge.org will chip a quick search of the Internet shows that there are really thousands of resources out there designed to help couples were struggling with their marriage. So what's so unique about the series.

What you think this one will be particularly helpful Hope that's a fair question and I and I really believe there are a lot of I mean excellent excellent resources and Tresa and I have needed them and where were really grateful and they know they address communication and a lot of skills in marriage in resolving conflict in unit problem with your in-laws your sex life for all those things are very important. What I don't think there's a lot of is teaching on God's design. What exactly is marriage supposed to look like beyond you know, our connection are fulfillment. All those things that God wants.

But what is the role of the man.

Biblically, what is the role of a woman biblically and then far beyond even just us as couples are happiness and all the rest. There is an agenda here. When Jesus describes himself. He's the bridegroom and the church is the bride and I believe there is a fundamental and powerful message. Not only that gives us God's design, and allows us to live in a way that honors him and is deeply fruitful and makes marriage is exactly what God wants an end that they can be. And yet, I think there's the glory of God and what he wants to do in us. If I showed you all the emails and letters that I have of people whose marriages were on the rocks and God restored them and use this series, I mean I could tell you miraculous amazing stories because when people understand what a covenant is and when people understand God's design, and they begin to apply it to experience grace and forgiveness and love, and in the most terrible things that have happened can actually be forgiven and restored. This is this is been so incredible and so many couples life just to give you an example. The other day, a couple came up to me and they said you know something. We were married we didn't have any big problems. We actually went through this series and the and the wife's eyes got big. It completely changed our whole relationship.

I mean, we had a good relationship, but we had no idea the spiritual component and what our roles were and that we actually came by just to tell you that. So I'm so excited for you to get to hear this and I'm really excited is a brand-new book that's just coming out so we want to encourage you develop your marriage or if you're not married.

Boy, this would be great. Something to read or listen to or get some people together to prepare yourself to have the kind of marriage. God wants, and this might be one where you tell your friends are posted on Facebook and say hey you really listen to this because marriages struggle marriages are in trouble. But God has helped him we want you to get it fixed up when encouraging way to get the series started.

In addition to the audio and video resources that are available for the series. You just heard chip mention that it's also out as his newest book called marriage that works and is an incentive for you to get that book for yourself or pass it on to someone you care about will include chips brand-new set of marriage that works truth cards absolutely free. These are 20 cards, each with a lie. We tend to believe about marriage, and then the truth straight from Scripture to help you combat that lie so give us a call at 1-888-333-6003 or visit our website LivingontheEdge.org check out Chip's new book marriage that works and receive his free marriage that works truth cards when you order just before we close. I will say thank you to those who make this broadcast possible through your generous financial support. Your gifts help us create programs purchase airtime and develop the kinds of resources we were just talking about to help Christians live like Christians. If you've been blessed by the ministry of Living on the Edge. Would you consider sending a gift today. You can call us at 1-888-333-6003, or if you prefer, donate online that LivingontheEdge.org will Monday on Living on the Edge. Chip continues his series marriage that works. I hope you will join us for now. This is really saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge