Marriage that Works - Is There a Man in the House?, Part 1

Hey guys were in a series on marriage today and I want to talk to you specifically ladies you can listen in, but it is tremendously difficult to be a godly man to know what it means to be a man and had the power to live that out.

Most of us didn't have good examples and most of us honestly don't know what it looks like I want to help you today. Let me encourage you stay with thanks for joining us for this Tuesday vision of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram Living on the Edge features the Bible teaching of Chip Ingram list daily discipleship program today. Chip continues a series marriage that works with a message designed to help us guys be both the husband and the man belong to become after the teaching trip joins us here in studio with some practical next apps so be sure to stay with us for that they'll extort your poorest talk is there a man of the house from Ephesians chapter 5 when I was in high school. I visited a young gal. She was couple years younger than me and I went over to her house and her mom and as I walked in small talk. There was a picture on the mantle of a very good looking guy had a military uniform and his hat on the smile and and I just casually said was that in her face really changed in less my dad and I thought what it made guy say something wrong and her mom said what you do understand that that's her dad but he's been missing in action in Vietnam for number of years now and so were kind of in limbo. We pray every day that someday he'll come back and I'll have a husband that you have a dad I but we just don't know. And as I got to know that girl I I saw the incredible deficits that occurred because the gaps of a missing in action. Father, I mean, she had needs to be loved and encouraged and to know what it looks like to be cherished and that just wasn't there. Mom had the same kind of needs and I've researched the family quite a bit as I grew up in one of those dysfunctional kind of families and my dad was a very good guy but he was a passive dad. He was a great athlete and it was a very strong man but my mom ran everything in our home. My dad couldn't pick out his own clothes, a member one time sitting later in their marriage. I was in. I think high school at the time and I came back and he was just really ticked off and he been there all day. I said what's wrong. Now I'm hungry. I said rules or no food in the fridge right in the wee, but Marty's not here to fix me a sandwich and I thought that's pathetic is what I thought you would be shocked at how many marriages and how many homes were the men are missing in action and by the way don't feel like if you're a guy here got all why did I come today, this guy's gonna slam me. I am not uncompassionate on what I want to tell you is there is a profile picture in Scripture of what it means to be a man that delivers for a woman and delivers for kids is the kind of guy you girls want to date, but most of us men, we didn't grow up, and we never seen it and sort of talk about and the impacts devastated. Let me do a little research for we get started and give you what I call the evolution of the American male 1950s GIs come back from the ward's early 50s suburban is flourishing. The word divorce is unheard of.

It happens maybe with movie stars 99% of all the young girls and young boys in the world have a mom and a dad. They live together they but the little house, and they can do the American dream. I am, it's the 60s make love not war. Existentialism comes into the reality of how people actually live relative truth gets planted and so all the sudden sex and love and marriage are separated so you can have sex or hook up with someone but there's no commitment to love them there's no commitment to Mary and the stability of the family begins to disintegrate.

Hit the 70s and feminism, and its height is birthed.

Now, obviously, that the need for people to get equal pay for equal work was very important, but not the feminism of the 70s was radical. It was men and women are essentially the same. There are no real differences, and then we went on a track and in the 80s people got tired of the sexual issues and it was the me decade it was Wall Street. It was affluence. It was money it was worth it was make it and the more the better. The more the better.

The more the better. Workaholism took often greater measure like never before. By the 90s it was confusion we had Columbine of the sex roles were blurred. The sectionals were change what's a man do what's a woman do the rise of homosexuality, openly gay, things became more and more prominent in the culture of other 2000s.

The world was just going at all, different direction. So 80% of the kids are grown up will not have a father at some point in their childhood between birth and 18 years old.

Families are disintegrating with the financial fallout the emotional fallout, but 65% of all the people before they get married live together, try it out and then the research tells us that if you live together sorta kinda hurt your chances of staying married. So we got all this confusion back out. I would challenge you to think of the last movie that you saw the last TV program you saw were a man was depicted as strong, sensitive, courageous, carrying protective and providing for those around our heroes have changed is our heroes now athletes and actors. I think it athletes and actors and where they both do they play our heroes play what's really an actor when they do they pretend to be other people. So now we have a world where we give millions of dollars and frontline and thing and little teenage girls. I read a survey where a preteen's there. Their goal in life was to be the person who helps in the Star room with a famous person that was their goal in life. I'm 11-year-old girl and someday I want to be the person that brings water to the rock star you think of that. That's pathetic and sore heroes become players and actors and we learned that our players for money create one image and exploit women and destroy their families when they're not at home and so you've got this development of the evolution of the American male and there's two major consequences. One is the thought father absent family and then the other is the impact of changing roles in terms of the father absent family. A report by the US government consisting of authorities on child development, did an evaluation of adolescents in America is called code blue in their summary of their report.

Never before has one generation American teenagers been less healthy, less cared for or less prepared for life. And then they note in the byline.

This occurred mind you in one of the most affluent and privileged nations in the history of the world goes on to say in another study that boys suffer most from the absence of noninvolvement of the father. According to National Center for children in poverty boys without a father are twice as likely to drop out of school twice as likely to go to jail.

Four times more likely to need treatment for emotional and behavioral problems in boys with father Harvard University psychologist Dr. William Pollick is the author of real boys says divorce is difficult for all children, but divorce is devastating for males. He says the basic problem is the lack of discipline and supervision in the in a father's absence and is unavailability to teach his son what it means to be a man so father absent homes or disengaged passive father's get father absent homes and more disengaged fathers in the future. Finally, sociologist Peter Carl believes that boys in our day. Think of this. He says 80% of the time of boys are spent with women growing up so they don't know how to act as men when they grow up. When that happens, the relationship between the sexes is directly affected and then become helpless and more like big kids. Anybody seen that lately where you know a real man puts a baseball hat on backwards and wears the Jersey of a 20 something-year-old making $20 million in place in fantasy football and his livelihood and mainly hood and significance is in playing and pretending because issues like providing he's never seen leadership he's never seen courage. He's never seen spiritual leadership he's never seen and you really don't have a clue of what it means to be a man. The result is that the roles change in a blur of psychologist Pierre more now is a psychologist and author in San Francisco.

It's an older book, but as this was developing.

He had all these people the powerful financial districts. Their wives were driving over the big bridge and and getting counseling and he said the stories getting all the same. All the same.

All the same.

My husband is a big you know powerful person in the financial district to drive downtown San Francisco. He's in the city he's making multimillion and sometimes billion-dollar deals.

He is forceful he strategic he's powerful. He's well educated, when he walks in the room. People snapped to.

And I've been and I've seen that work and then he comes home and is like couch potato is number one thing is the remote. He puts the Wall Street Journal or the sports page in front of his face. He doesn't leader family doesn't leader kids. He's not active he's passive and so he wrote a book called passive men in his thesis. Is it creates wild women and I will suggest the result is very, very confused kids and you know that little girl that I told you about when her dad was missing in action. It produces not good stuff. And today we have more and more marriages and families were the man is missing in action. And often, that doesn't mean is not the home. I grew up.

I do know what it meant to be a man.

I just did what my dad that I figured out how to get good in sports figure how to play and pretend and I became a Christian and I had to completely relearn and not literally start from scratch about what it means to be a man and so that's what we do in our time really talk about what it means to be a real man is as we do that, here's what I want you to do.

I want you to know that there's two things we want to avoid. I column the two PCs, one the politically correct. It doesn't matter what ever any family-style any alternative can we just agree that in light of the research and a lot of families and divorce, and kids, and even the financial damage that the current politically correct quote.

This is what a man is does not work, and then second before go on that pseudo-Christian I call it PC where in the name of God. You know those caricatures you have of of Christian men who were narrow, bigoted, stupid. They state they take the Bible and got this halls of the Bible so so so it was mostly due to that is not what the Bible teaches.

If anybody has to thump your chest and tell people you're in charge. Believe me, you are not working a look at a picture as you turn the page of what a real man is and what a real man is working to learn is defined by God in a way that the something very powerful and his wife he do something very powerful. If you're dating him is something very, very powerful and refreshing.

If he's one of your friends and if he's your dad, it's you grew up one day and he's a real man you say in your heart, even without words. Someday I would be like him someday to be like him, but I can count on four fingers, and all the young men I've counseled and mentored and especially guys in ministry. Probably on four fingers, young men I've ever met that when I asked him tell me little bit about your dad. I've had them just I mean almost well up and say here's little tight about my dad someday I want to be just like him and I learned he was an engineer unit engineer like him is a no-no.

I would be a Christian like him.

I want to be at dad like him want to be a husband like him to be a man of integrity like what hey what about you guys, that's my dream for my kids and it's never too late effect. Sometimes when it occurs late.

They can see the difference even more so, where is it begin redefining manhood and marriages in our homes. It always begins with mutual write the word submission. It always begins with mutual submission. There is this umbrella that covers the entire passage about relationships and this umbrella is submit to one another out of the fear of Christ anything to talk about the marriage relationship than the child parent relationship in the slave master relationship and alter the rest of the entire book of Ephesians from chapter 521 to the end of the book there's this umbrella that governs, of course, you're living out various roles and responsibilities as with the sense that first and foremost you gonna walk with God and your goal and desire would be to love or put the other person in the relationship ahead of yourself. So that really eliminates an awful lot of the argument met Roland, who's the leader who takes the first step and who's the most powerful of all those things become secondary. I call it the metaphor of the dance. What does mutual submission look like I jotted this now the word submit here is very interesting and ancient militant goods ancient military term.

It's a compound word of hoopoe to mean under and cost so that means to be an order or rank file rather than promoting self-assertion. It urges the readers to be subject or submit to one another. One commentator calls this a mutual desire to get less than ones do not think about that you're in a relationship with your husband or your wife, and it's a mutual desire instead of asserting my rights my way. It's a mutual desire to get less than your due, it's a sweet reasonableness and attitude that the spirit of God is in control to consider this person that you're married to more important than yourself. Mutual submission is the dance floor itself in the space within we have the freedom to move requires that the man and the woman each in Lordship relationship to Christ come to see the dance asking each other.

How can I make you successful.

How can I serve you. How can I express my love and our roles together male chauvinism and female manipulation find no place here they've evaporated even before the first steps begin. This is the dance that God's design for two people who say our first commitment is first and foremost to you, God, you are the choreographer you tell me what steps I need to take when in this dance of marriage so that I can serve my partner honor you as a byproduct be deeply fulfilled.

Not enough you ever watched either the old black-and-white movies where like Fred Astaire member when people used to dance when they were dance together or if you watch Dancing with the Stars or I like you in the ice-skating when they have that male and female. They put it to music near the guy does this, and he catches her and then she goes like this. And you know she's she's doing all this got right right now you think about that. If he's not the right place at the right time. She's really gonna get hurt and you talk about trust me she you know that you he's he's doing this it all right now you understand they work for thousands of hours to create what you watch what seems like a seamless piece of beauty and art and to the music and each step someone wrote. It's been choreographed. He knows that at this place on the ice.

He needs to slide here, he needs to prepare. She needs to catch he needs to lift. She needs to let go.

Every single step by each person has been written out in advance and when you see it if you didn't see like the very first note when you see it you couldn't tell me who took the first step or who took the second argument sees to the music, the beauty and the rhythm of the dance. That's how God designed marriage. He's the choreographer.

The issue has very little to do with who takes which step it's who's responsible to make it work and so God gives some instruction to men. This is how you do the dance to make it beautiful for you and for her next week. Ladies, here's how you do the dance to make it work. And so what you learn is that mutual submission is a picture of a fellow loving of one another, not some sort of battleground for who does what in the marriage.

The great dancer.

Marriage requires clarity of roles. It's really much more about who's responsible than the big debate about who leads and who does this, and who does that. The person who leads the person is responsible what I'm about to tell your husband or your boyfriend for some of you, your son is absolutely impossible for them to do. I mean this will be. This is a real man. Here is the bar. This is what God expects. This is what you do when you do this women feel cherished loved completed when you do this a families going the right direction in the right way for the right reason. When you do this little kids grow up and think you're the greatest thing in the world. They have a great self-image. They have clear moral values.

But what I'm about to share with, especially those that are married with your husband is. I mean they could go like this and just be so covered with guilt, like I was. It was like like are you kidding I never saw this. How can I ever do this is what I want you know is one there's hope in ladies. This would be very helpful if you keep your elbows like in this because this limitless is your husband listens to God for the next few minutes. This will not help or you know some of you are art kind of a little more you know, okay, I got got please please please. I'm so glad he came today. She so needed to hear this Holy Spirit, please don't go there or for others.

Oh Lord I'm so glad he's been come upon this day to hear the word of God, that he might be married to one as righteous as I how about you just pray.

Oh God, I can't imagine trying to live up to this and I know it's hard and I know it's impossible we you show me anything I can do to help my man. Whether it's my boyfriend my son my husband to be what you've called them to be, because until men step up and be who God wants them to be families and marriages will never be what God wants them for his glory for you and so he says, starting out with the dance Eagles wives, be subject to your own husbands and to the Lord. Here's the reason for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ also is the head of the church. So there's a role is a responsibility here he himself. Jesus being the Savior of the body, but as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives out to be to their husbands in everything. Here's where it gets hard.

Husbands, love your wives will how just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her. Why did he do that, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of the water with the word that he might present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and be blameless. Application so there's a some connection between husband, loving wife the same way Jesus loves his church.

So husbands ought to love their own wives. How is their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. Because the two member became one for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church because were his members. Now, guys, if you have a pen pull it out.

I want you to circle and underline a few words. First of all I want you as quickly as you can to scan that and every time the word love is there circlet circlet circlet circlet circlet you get something real quickly right. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church, Newman loved his own, but right this word is not for Leo. Love be a good friend be loyal, this is not Eros love. This is sexual love. This is an even story a love which is have a good family connection. This is agape love agape love is not an emotional love.

It may or may not have a motion agape love is unconditionally giving another person what they need the most when they deserve it the least at great personal cost.

That's how Jesus loves you. That's how Jesus love me when I was in my sin when I didn't want to any of God's help and I absolutely didn't deserve it.

Christ died to my place when Jesus was in the garden and he was fully man and fully God and in his humanness, knowing that God the father would turn his face away from him and your sin in my sin would be placed on him. He said you basically translation. If there's a Plan B that we haven't thought of that when we go with plan B instead of this cross stuff. Nevertheless, not my will, right but years listen. Jesus did not emotionally want to die for you. He didn't feel like it. He chose to agape love is a choice. It's a choice, when I as a man treat my wife well when I'm sensitive to her when I care about her. When I respond in ways God wants me to because I feel really good about her. That's a good thing.

It's a far greater thing when she hurts me and wounds me and is acting in ways that make me feel like I want to push her away.they love is I give her what she needs the most when she deserves it the least great personal cost. Now women that's what God calls your husband Chip will be right back. But if you're just joining us, you're listening to living on the head Chip Ingram ships message today is from his series marriage that works in it. He goes back to the basics of how to develop and maintain a deep and intimate marriage with your strengthening yours now were looking to build one in the future for all the details on this powerful no holds barred truth and grace filled series give us a call at 1-888-333-6003 or visit us online at http://livingontheedge.org will trip your message today really hit a nerve.

That's really pretty raw and a lot of marriages today and we really want to encourage listeners to tune in for the rest of this message on tomorrow's broadcast because there's a lot of practical encouragement to come on this or that.

I do know that is a very raw issue and probably a lot of women are thinking. What I wish my husband could hear this. Actually there thinking. Forget here and I wish he would do what this guy said and a lot of men if there like me are feeling like if that's what it means to be a man.

I don't have a clue and Dave. Here's what I want people to hear.

They need to hear the grace side God's heart in this. The average male is missing in action in the home but the average male is missing in action in the home for the same reason I was. We didn't have a dad that modeled Christ like servant behavior. We didn't have a man who provided and protected week week we had a breadwinner, we had a good guy but he he didn't serve it in the love he didn't lead spiritually didn't mean he didn't know how and so now for many of us, we come to Christ. We want to be good men we want to be good fathers but we don't have a picture of what I also know right now in America 40% of all the children in America at some time in the first 18 years are living in a home where there is not even a dad. There so that just multiplies the problem, and third is as believers we we don't know what the Bible says we don't know what does God say it means to be a man and so you know I put a baseball hat on backwards and I watched SportsCenter and you know Rob are all you know where then you know that's what it means to be a man you I could get something or throw something or you non-powerful of the office or I can build something and that this whole side of what it means to be a man is very, very difficult, but I will tell you there is something in a man's heart that longs to be a man in this series will help men get their bikes for the Jones chip so guys, here's your next step this series, including trips new book called marriage that works is available for you know that Living on the Edge. Let me encourage you to give us a call at 1-888-333-6003 in order that book or visit us online at http://livingontheedge.org to check out marriage that works while you're there, don't list the new marriage that works truth cards trips taken about 20 of the most common lies.

We tend to believe about marriage and then gives a specific Scriptures to help us combat each one. Check out trips new book and the marriage that works truth cards when you go to Living on the Edge.orc will tomorrow chip continues our current series. So I hope you make plans to join us again. Until then, this Dave really saying thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge