Overcoming Emotions that Destroy - Why We all Struggle with Anger, Part 2

In our last broadcast. We learned a vital truth. Anger is a secondary emotion. What I mean by that is your problem is not anger is like an iceberg.

Anger is the tip that reveals something deeper inside. Many people spend their whole life trying to overcome their anger never works because it's not the real issue you want to learn what the real issue is welcome to this Tuesday vision of living on the drift Living on the Edges of international discipleship ministry featuring the Bible teaching of Chip Ingram today. Chip continues our current series overcoming emotions that destroy just before we get started, let me encourage you to try using chips message notes while you listen.

These three notes contain chips outline Scripture references and much hope you remember what your ear sure what you're learning. Just go to LivingontheEdge.org click listen now on our homepage now with part two of his message why we all struggle with anger as our teacher Chip Ingram okay anger secondary motion we got it. It's an iceberg appear underneath. You have unmet needs hurt. There's two more.

The second the second reason that we both anger is frustration. Frustration is real or perceived unmet expectations. The distance between what you expect to happen and what really happens. If it's a little we call it frustration if you expect this to happen and this is your experience.

That's anger. If you expect this to happen and this happens you are super ticked off a lot of your anger is built into expectations and by the way this comes as a surprise.

People actually cannot read your mind.

You have you got everything you have expectations there in your head that people don't know that there there you were raised in a certain way and your expectation is think should be clean like this you have expectations what people should do what they shouldn't do what they should say what they should never say how they should drive how that you treat people and they are not insured and always should never do certain things when people violate those you get mad and often you don't know even why you're mad.

Proverbs 1429 says a patient man has great understanding but a quick-tempered man displays folly. Anger is inseparably linked to her expectations.

I can remember the time I was in the Philippines we were doing ministry.

It was a basketball ministry were there for three weeks and we were out in the boonies, and I mean like the most wonderful thing about every three days you would go into a little room with they had it in the ice cold water and you got the port over your head with a bar of soap and you would get a bowl of rice. We played three games a day and it was our. It was our winter so it was their summer and so is like 98° 101% humidity, and it was you lose about 1012 pounds a day and sweat and so then wait we got back to Manila and were ready to head home and I had a coup. They have lots of coups in the Philippines and they shut down all the airlines.

No one can leave the country as if know that you understand I have a wife and three children and they said well maybe in three months will open this up message for use really don't understand.

I have to get back I mean were praying and praying and praying and praying and praying in the present, or someone says okay relate some of the people out of the country. We get on a crowded plane for 17 hours.

No food, no bowl of rice on the happiest person you've ever seen in your life. I love this.

This is great.

Can I help you serve. You know the water that's warm to other passengers. I just want to help stewardess. This is awesome I love it okay picture number one picture number two I'm with my family and we were trying to save money and so to save money. We had one of those very nonstop flights and so we got on and it was on time and had three rather smaller kids at the time and they gave us peanuts and 7-Up and then we waited for an hour and 1/2 peanuts and pretzels on the next trip and we had just peanuts.

We had pretzels and water and it was about a seven hour trip. It was exactly on time is exactly what they promised and I was so ticked off at the end of that day. Why I got something to eat. I had a clean seat. It took about four or five hours total instead of 16 when I was in the Philippines. My expectations were. If I can just get out of here to be awesome happy camper. When I'm in America I want.

They said a light snack.

How is peanuts and 7-Up a light snack.

Gimme a break like a little dinky sandwich or something, but I got three kids man. There is vomiting all over the back seat. They're going crazy there fight with one another, pretzels, peanuts, pretzels peanuts, give me a break right expectations. Notice the biblical example here we have a name and but Naaman became furious second Kings five 1112 member him.

He wanted to be healed and the civil go to the prophet in his room and got God doing great, miraculous things are him so he comes to the prophet. The prophet tells him to go wash in the river and Naaman's furious and went away and said indeed I said to myself he will surely come out.

These are his expectations. Speaking of Elijah. He will surely come out stand and call on the name of the Lord is God and waved his hand over this place and heal the leprosy and then he names a couple of his rivers in his hometown and he said, aren't those waters better than any in Israel, could I not wash and then be clean, so he turned away in a rage is an interesting became the prophet he has expectations.

If he does this is a futile spiritual words, but instead the prophet to say what want to get on this river dipped 7×6 won't work and you be healed, how many times have you told God the way he has to work in your life.

How many times have your expectations for other people, but how they have to respond when they have to respond how many times is life. Not fair you know I expected my marriage to be trouble-free right I expected. My kids got to be 20 or 22, three, 24 years old and they were really grown my major parenting will be done right you I expected when I worked really hard trusted God gave generously.

Try to stay in shape. I wouldn't be the one to getting cancer. But God was in charge. Naaman go to this way. So much of our anger is this distance between what we experience, and these unconscious expectations that we have notice first Chronicles 1529 and happen as the ark of the covenant of the Lord came to the city of David Mikell, Saul's daughter look through the window and saw the king whirling and playing music and she despised him in her heart. Her experience and expectations were kings always act this way.

His behavior is embarrassing me. Therefore, she bolted to anger, and the result she despised him.

What expectations for those of you who are married do you have of your mate that you just assume are from God in our right and are really from your family background and origin that they do things differently than you expect and you have this resentment in your heart see this anger stuff really deals with deep transformational issues from the inside out. Let me give you a tool. This is the how to communicate your frustration. It's the I desire versus I demand expectations, and here's what happens is when you can change what your expectations are to become a demand. They basically become ought it should. It always it never when you hear yourself saying those words. You those are demands life ought to be fair, my kids ought to call my marriage should be fulfilling all the time. I ought to make more money. I should have been promoted ought should always, never are demand statements by the way some of you make those on yourself ought to be perfect. I ought to keep the house clean all the time. I should never blow to work. I should always have every project done on time. Always. And so some of you met yourselves you know what I got news for you.

There's only one Jesus and you and it you not to be perfect right and so you have this anger what would happen. Here's what here's the difference. Here's the tool you start and I actually have to write these down at the right every thing down will slow.

I desire to have a fulfilling and deep marriage even in a fallen world. I desire and longing to have a deep wonderful relationship with my grown kids even though now with their own kids and lifestyles they don't respond as quickly as I would like. I wish I desire. I long for Lord, I hope you see the difference. So when you when you have a desire that doesn't come through. You have disappointment and everyone has disappointment when you make a demand and it doesn't come through. You have anger and so many of your anger issues and my anger issues are rooted in unconscious expectations that you don't even know they're there.

Number three in security, real or perceived attack on my worth.

Often anger is merely an evidence of insecurity in my life. The tip of the iceberg is anger. It's the red light flashing on the dashboard of my soul.

Option number one. It may be hurt. The tool is. I feel messages. Option number two.

It might be unmet needs. As a result of unrealistic, perceived or real expectations. The tool is. I desire versus I demand the third possibility is basically insecurities or real or perceived personal attack on my worth.

Proverbs 15 one.

A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger what is a harsh word do what does criticism do what to someone calling you a name, do what the some cutting in front of you in making a gesture, do what to someone attacking you do that harsh word stirs up anger. Why, because your personhood has been attacked. Your value has been attacked at sometimes your safety is been attacked and anger is probably very wise and good response. Proverbs 18, 19, says an offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city and disputes are like the barred gates of The Citadel. Why an offended brother when you attack or when you are attacked. When your personhood when your security is attacked today what the bars go up again.

Let me read a quick overview of this that I think puts it more succinctly than I can. When we feel threatened. We tend the color red alert.

Unfortunately, we usually do it automatically without properly assessing the risk we do it over small insignificant things as well as big overwhelming issues whether the impending intruder is a mouse or monster we gear up for action with almost the same intensity we get fuming mad when a stranger flips us off on the highway when our spouse has been unfaithful when a store clerk makes a rude comment when the boss takes credit for all the work that we did when is a long line at the bank and we discover our teenager stole some money we need to stop and assess the situation before we blast in with heavy artillery, I came to a little window and I've shared this before and I shared it when we started, is that I believe everybody is desperately insecure. If you study Genesis chapter 3 you'll find that when sin entered the world a new pattern occurred. God calls out Adam where are you Adams responses. I heard you coming therefore I was afraid why sin had entered. He now sees he's an adequate he's self-conscious for the first time that in adequacy produces fear rooted in shame. Therefore, I hid in adequacy or insecurity creates a fear of others seeing me as I am. And so I hide Paul Turney wrote a little booklet at a fabulous impact on my life, called the strong and weak Swiss psychologist translated from French to English and he interviewed all these people in his practice and basically realized that there only everyone's desperately insecure. Some people have strong reactions they power up the yell. They screen the tell you when people report to them how much money they make. Where they live with their ZIP Code is what they drive and they do that to keep a distance and it works.

Other people feel desperately insecure and the use weak reactions. They look at the floor there shy they withdrawal they tell you all the problems they are like a victim, and after you hear the sad story. The seventh time you come to see them in church and say I think of you. The other hallway both both keep people at a distance when I discovered you know what Ingram you can be insecure. The rest of your life. Your only security is in Christ.

It removes the threat why should I care if someone I don't know flips me off and highway money but who is this guy my angry response when I might security is threatened tells me a lot more about the level of insecurity. I have than the stupidity of the driver that just did that when someone says a harsh word in my immediate reaction hey would you say what words that come in from why am I bolting to anger is because I feel exposed when they criticize my project.

Why do I get so defensive well because it's really attack on media get it. Notice in Scripture. Here I would go to a couple good examples of both Saul and the Jewish leaders you know the story right.

David has now killed Goliath and Saul has put them over the Army and we can pick up the story so David went wherever Saul sent him and he behaved wisely and Saul said about men of war was accepted in the sight of all the people and also Saul servants and it happened that as they were coming home that was David was returning and theirs began to sing the song a note. Saul is Linus thousands and David is 10,000.

And Saul hears this and instead of saying wow I must be a great delegator. I'm really looking to build a legacy I'm empowering other people in the goal. It's God's Israel.

We are making real progress. He's threatened, he thinks oh I'm the king and it says, then Saul was very angry and the saying, displeased him. They have ascribed to David 10,000, and to me a thousand. Now, what more can you have but the kingdom is a very insecure man at the success of other people. The same thing happens in the religious leaders you pick up the story. Through the hands of the apostles signs and wonders are being done there done with one accord in Solomon's porch. Yet none of the rest dared join them, but the people esteemed them highly and the believers were increasing and added the Lord added to the multitudes of men and women, so they brought the sick into the streets and laid them on beds and couches and even in the least of Peter shadow passing by might fall on some of them as of the multitudes gathered from the surrounding cities of Jerusalem and they brought the sick and those were tormented by unclean spirits and they were all healed God's doing this miraculous thing as he burst the church and hears religious leaders and they saw what they did to Jesus. They have all the Scripture and instead of saying wow I guess we were wrong.

He must be the Messiah. I mean this is pretty heavy duty stuff. Everyone's healed demons or find out what's their response.

The high priest rose up, and all those that were with him, which is the sect of the Sadducees and they were filled with indignation and they laid their hands on the apostles put them in the common prison and I just want to suggest to you that when your reaction is very strong, very defensive when you respond to criticism in a way that and you may stuff it strongly. You may spew it or you may find yourself leaking it out. What if what if you said wait a second, does this person's opinion really matter that much am I going to give this person's view of me and an overriding power to determine who I am instead of who God says I am so much of our anger is not just hurt and not just frustration but were basically insecure people and when our security or self-worth gets attacked. We bolt to anger because level tell you it's threatening his tool here is the other, ask yourself question why my feeling threatened and hears little questions, you know, I know it's a process. But you ask yourself what is being attacked who is attacking me is the threatened menial or meaningful and whose approval. Am I seeking any need to start asking that in your life. You know that's a fellow employee he's been here two months. He's rude. He's got a big ego. He criticize me.

I want to punch his lights out.

That was my initial reaction, but he's really big suck. I cannot go there and would not be very good testimony, but you have these thoughts, you know, and and and just realized this is silly.

I don't need that person's approval.

I got criticized she criticize me in the car you know what we've been married 27 years. I think I can find where were supposed to go. I got a GPS I can see where the little spaces are. I don't have it whenever there is one over there why get so angry Joe you I can find empty parking spots here some duct tape. No, ask yourself guys. What is it about that that makes you so angry. It has nothing to do with parking spots. It's my ego is being threatened at somehow I'm being made to feel by that comment that I'm not smart enough to figure it out right now there's two applications here ladies and the other application is guys you want.

Thanks and get little help right seat when you can begin to understand that defensiveness that bolt to anger.

How many of you have had arguments like that on the great morning with the Lord on your way to church and over a parking lot. I mean the spirit of God leaves the room right. In summary, the first step in overcoming the destructive power of anger and right. This word is the courage to look below the surface.

I had the aha moment of my life and it changed my life when I realized sitting for 10 minutes in the car. The problem is not anger.

I'm hurt. Since then I've learned you know it's not hurt. I'm frustrated. I had expectations of when this would be done or what people would do or what I expected of myself and you know something I'm not hitting those sometimes I just need to accept that confessed my sin plan better, and other times it's you know it's a fallen world, everyone gave their best shot. This is just where were at. And finally, I just have to accept a lot of the anger I have is people attacked my personhood and am I either can respond in defensiveness and anger and in like manner or him to ask a few questions like who is being attacked was a really attacking. Is this really worth dealing with and do they really have the power to define who I am.

Anger is the light on the dashboard anchors our way of protecting ourselves from painful hard to deal with hurts frustrations and insecurities. Anger has many faces, and despite its power for good. It will destroy unless we admissible to look at next time we call it a, B, C, these you know I want to give you a very clean process to look under the hood. It will be acknowledge your anger backtracked to the first emotion, consider the real cause and then to determine how to rightly respond to, but if you're just joining us, you're listening to living on the shipping chips message today. I we all struggle with anger is from his series, overcoming emotions that destroy this five-part series from chip takes you behind the scenes to discover the real source of anger, then how to turn that anger into a productive helpful tool for personal and spiritual growth. Anger wears many masks in this series chip explains the most common ways we express our anger and gives practical biblical solutions to help bring in those angry feelings before they destroy our most treasured relationships because the series is one of our best-selling resources. We wanted to make it even more accessible to you while it's on the year. So for a limited time. All of the audio video book and small group resources for overcoming emotions that destroy our significantly discounted. Whether you're looking for the small group study a book or CD use or free MP3s and message notes.

Ordering is easy when you go to LivingontheEdge.org and remember were always available to talk with you by phone at 1-888-333-6003.

I'll be right back in just a minute and as you just heard me share I gave a very specific ABCD process for dealing with your anger. The fact the matter is, is when you're very very angry when there's block goals when you're frustrated when people hurt you. You don't have to shoot them. You don't have to abuse them. You don't have to beat them up. You know what we are living in a culture of death meant if you would just think through and that get your TV Guide and look through all the programs that have to do with death amine murder this murder that I bed.

There's 60 or 70% of the reality shows or the television shows and some white. They all revolve around death and someone has been hurt or abused and there's evil. I share that because what Jesus said is when you have anger in your heart you hate your brother and it turns into murder. But it always begins in the heart and we are teaching God's word to help people deal with this very powerful but often destructive emotion and what happens amine as I shared in the very first lesson. A lady called as she was abusing her children and when she got the tools to resolve her anger. She later talked to me about. I don't do that anymore. I mean, she honestly did not give me her name but a life was changed and what I want you to know is that as we teach this and other series. The world can change people can actually not be violent when experience God's grace in here God's truth, but that only happens as we are on this station that you're listening to. As you hear this on your podcast as we have the resources to create the small group DVD that we've done for this and so unapologetically.

If you have benefited from Living on the Edge. Will you help us help others. We really need the financial support of those that God is ministering to and I would ask you today, rather than a good intention or oh yeah, that might be helpful.

We really need the consistent support of those of you that we minister to.

So we can continue to do what were doing. Will you help us financially.

Today, let me thank you in advance for what you do to send a gift to Living on the Edge or to set up a recurring donation to the ministry, call us at 1-888-333-6003, or if you prefer to donate online. Just go to LivingontheEdge.org today. We would love to have you join the team.

Now here's chip with some final thoughts about today's talk. As we close today's program I want to do a quick review and then let's leave with one very specific application number one. Anger is a secondary emotion. It is not the issue. Second, there are three primary reasons why we get angry. First is hurt. Second is frustration, and third is insecurity now. I gave very specific tools to help you kind of look under the surface, with each one of those. Here's all I want you to do today. Any time you get angry. I mean, down to the little frustrations driving home from work. A red light. Too much noise when the kid screams I don't you know someone tell something else not true any time you begin to feel angry feelings when she asked the question why am I angry that someone hurt me, well maybe or maybe not. Is it a blocked goal.

So is it frustration or was it personal attack insecurity.

Just get your arms around one of those three things and let's take some baby steps together about acknowledging that we are angry, get to the root cause and God will begin to help you deal with anger in a very powerful way.

You know a great way to stay engaged and connected to chip and Living on the Edge is with the chip and remap you get free access to all of chips recent messages is message notes and much more.

Not only that, but it couldn't be easier to order resources or call or email us directly from the app download the chipping remap when you go to Google play or the app store will tomorrow. I Living on the Edge chip will continue his series overcoming emotions that destroy should make plans to join us that courtship and the entire team. This is Dave really saying thanks for listening.

This edition of living on the