Overcoming Emotions that Destroy - Turning Anger from a Foe to a Friend, Part 1

Do you know someone with an anger problem. Their outbursts of anger and feeling that you may be those you love. Do you wish you could help them stop losing their temper or maybe some of the stuff. Sit down with draws and gets depressed and you say how can I pull those personalities you can learn today to help others turn their anger from a fellow to a friend stay with thanks for joining us for this Wednesday.

Addition of living on the shipping services are Bible teacher of this daily international discipleship program today. Chip continues a series overcoming emotions that destroy by proposing that anger can be used as a tool for good, rather than as a weapon. If you have a Bible James chapter 1 stewardship for this message. Turning anger overflow to a friend. I was an adventure. Some eight or nine-year-old is probably hard to believe but I was a very high risk loony kid that was in the emergency room regularly and so we were visiting my grandmother and she lived out in the country in West Virginia and had this huge hill right behind her house and there's little barn, and of course when I got there about nine maybe 10. I can't remember exactly but she said someone's keeping course in the big field that goes straight up don't go near the horse. The horse is wild. It hasn't been written in years. It's a huge horse. You could really get hurt Chip do you hear me. Don't go near the horse. I'm thinking I got that one down absolutely enough. I knew exactly what I was to do so. I got my sisters to help me in. We found some stuff and we fed the horse we got closer and closer and I saw there was a saddle on 10 years old. Me and my sister you here you fit in here and we got him. We put the saddle on I'm not sure how to do it.

I start pulling stuff you now watch as Western gene figure this out side you know it's a little loose but that's not working and we had a rope.

I did know how to do you know the bit through the mouth and all that so we put a rope around his neck and and now punky. That's my sister. They know you. You keep feeding him and I'm gonna get on if you know and and in and back on mine.

My grandmother now don't you touch that horse so I get on this horse and I know you not supposed to hold onto the horn, but when dear life begins at this horse bolts up. I mean and I mean it's like a 45° and there's rocks and he runs as fast as how to blast will minimum minimum minimum minimum minimum gets all the way up to the top and then he stops and he turns around and want. Oh, and he goes straight down and I mean now I'm just hanging on like this, like this, like this and I'm realizing I me were going for the stance I'm thinking I'm going to die and so I thought you were going so fast.

If I bail out of Skinner heard the fences can hurt more and so I just jumped off the side of the horse and hit a rock 'n' roll little bit and that he was angry and ran a try. Didn't mean the rear end and I got out of there in your thinking.

What does this have to do with anger. Many years later, after learning that a horse can be really wild and dangerous. I have a friend who trained horses and I went to the school camp and I got on this horse and he described horse. He says if you want to do this say that you need to say yeah. He said if you want to do this with your loop with this need, you go like that to do this with your other knee if you tap here. He'll do this all just make this sound hill back up as all get out. It was like driving a car is amazing.

Here's the deal there, both big, strong animals. One was a wild stallion out of control, the other with a bit put in its mouth became a source of great joy, good transportation and a lot of fun. That's the picture I want you have about anger out of control today what it's like a fire outside the fireplace under control focused understood and used like a fire in the fireplace brings light and warmth and solar talk in the session about as well. How do you do that how do you make anger work for you and I just touched on it. I want to go through the a B CDs of anger and as we do that, I'm gonna ask you to pull back in your memory my moment. I actually learned this.

Sometimes God does something, and you have this aha moment and what I learned to do, say, God, how did you do that okay. I was studying all the stuff I came home I was lonely hurt struggling. I got mad I didn't know I was mad I went to bed. I got up and yelled at my kids and was a jerk as a husband. Okay then I got I sent my car.

I sat there for 10 minutes and I realize I'm angry because I'm studying this right now and then once I acknowledge my anger. I backtracked to the primary motion, and I realize anger is not the problem. I'm sad I'm lonely I'm disappointed in the number three what I do. I considered because I had hurt and expectations. I expected everyone very unrealistically at 930 to be waiting on the edge going daddy's home life's wonderful but I didn't think this all through and then finally the last thing I did is I determine how to best deal with in my moment of truth was dry, sickness, car stuff, it leak it later. Like a dinner, a Honeywell demo seven last night so if you were sleeping total kid did you have a good day.

I did and that's what I would do or do I walk in there. Feel very vulnerable very naked and say to my wife. I feel hurt and lonely disappointed because I needed you and you're my best friend and you weren't available and I understand why and I understand my expectations were totally unreasonable, but I need to be around you. By the way, I never finish that story design tell you right where was in the kitchen.

My wife put her arms around me. She said hi and I understand a new one. We just do when you get home tonight let's take a walk, grab a cup coffee and I just want to hear what's going on and I get this great hug and you not II had I had a little decision that turned an entire day instead of stuffing anger, getting mad leaking later and probably not have a good day being matted other people.

I find other people blame and instead I acknowledged my anger a. I backtracked to the primary motion be. I considered the cause. See my expectations. DI term determine a course of action, and in this particular one, although I wish I could say it's I do it all the time. I did the right thing and I experience God's grace.

I went from a wild stallion out of control. Make your bed. You had your quiet time take out the trash to a father, forgiven, filled with the spirit reconnected with my wife and with my kids. My anger taught me something to help me grow. It also help me realize the extent of need that I have and it told my wife something Lotta women especially married to people that are kind of have a lot of energy and it let my wife know I really need you I need you a lot and so it actually communicated love to her and someone encourage you when you get angry and by the way this week very hard for stuffers. You may need people to tell you you're angry because you've been so trained and stuffing it you actually need to give them permission that when you start behaving in certain ways they can say I think you're angry but this can be a tremendous process and I what I want to do in the real practical is the who, what, how and when of determining how to deal with your anger coming. So what what you do. So here's the questions you want to ask at who am I really angry myself, someone else the situation were God know this may sound simple but I expressed my anger. I thought I was angry at my son for not you know having his chores done or my daughter for not making her bed or my wife because she had the audacity to say I'm being unreasonable with the kids. That's not who I was angry until you get clear on who you're angry at you can't deal with it rightly and you can't heal my friend Dr. Becca Johnson and her counseling tells a story of a young woman who was date raped been in counseling for a long time and was not making progress and she said you know had a breakthrough in one of the sessions in this young woman discovered that her anger's focus was really not so much on the perpetrator but she was mad at yourself and she was taking on the guilt which is not uncommon with right that victims it was why I ever go out with that guy I saw a little read flag. Obviously nothing and so she was blaming herself mad at herself and it wasn't until she realized you know what I'm angry with me that then she could see no way to second. Are you responsible when people hold you down and do unmentionable things now see until you understand who you're angry at you. Have a hard time dealing with what are the real issues and we believe a lot of lies by life. You know it we do a series on spiritual warfare.

If you think this isn't an arena where the enemy he's a liar he's a condemnor he's an accuser affect the key passages what the angry get don't sin, don't let the sun go down on anger and why lest you give the devil a foothold.

So a lot of these when you have unresolved anger. There's all kind of Christians that never think this demonic satanic powerful forces. He doesn't need to have things moving your house or scare you to death if he has you believing a lie about condemnation and ruining your present relationships coming why should he show you himself when he has you buffalo now and by the way some of you are starting to deal with anger issues and started to talk about things and it gets really hard and really difficult and really threatening. I got news for you.

There is huge spiritual opposition about you doing in obeying and listening talk about stronghold so the first thing you need to find out is is is who are you angry at. I have a very, very close friend, godly young woman known for years and about every six months to 13 months. She has a complete meltdown. She's been single. She's now in her late 40s and attractive, bright, all the things you would ever think, and she I mean, gets depressed, just it took about five years to realize and for her to admit she's mad at God, she's really mad at God, why haven't you brought someone into my life and she has some really warped views of God and so she thinks God is punishing her, and she has a lot of things, but until she came to the point where she realized she wasn't mad at these guys who ask you out. Once these guys want to get sorta serious, back away. She wasn't mad Christian guy seem to be.

She had her anger at all kind of different areas. She finally railed. I'm mad at God, and by the way lease from the book of Job, and from the Psalms. God doesn't seem to be too upset when people were honest and candid and angry with him in order to get to the heart of issues he can handle.

The Lord is near the broken hearted he's near to those who are crushed in spirit. He's near to those to come him in truth Isaiah quoting God says call to me. Present your cause that you might be proved right.

God longs more than anything else for us to be honest and come to him with the role pain in the hurt that we have so number one as you go through this knowledge are angry or backtracking menu and civil, whom I met at second what should I do right okay now discovered who I met at well it's my spouse is when my kids, it's me, it's God. What should I do express it directly or release it indirectly. Do I confront the situation or do I conceal it. My plans make matters worse, or make them better. This is where I'm gonna ask Dr. Becca Johnson. She says into paragraphs because this is critical. What do you do when you realize you're angry and be you're angry at someone, do you directly. Go at it and deal with it and when you not.

She writes when we find ourselves in an unwanted situation with angry feelings. We basically have two choices do I express my feelings directly to the person or do I release them indirectly through various activities dealing with it directly means choosing confront the situation we try and change. We act rather than acquiesce, we take action and appropriately let the person involved know about our anger and its root emotions. What contributed to their existence and what we would like to be different.

It's best to express ourselves clearly without blaming or attacking.

We let our anger be known, but in ways we previously discussed, I feel blank when you blank.

I wish you would versus demand we get it out wisely and carefully never impulsively without consideration of the consequences and the causalities dealing with our anger indirectly gives us more options. Sometimes it's best to accept things the way they are conform and not to share our anger with those involved conceal, but it's important to make sure our motivation isn't from an uncomfortable situation. We choose this option, not by default or out of hopelessness but out of a calculated conclusion that it would be best not to stir the waters were rock the boat at this particular time in this particular situation. Wisdom sometimes demands that we choose not to provoke or reprove someone when past history or other circumstances dictated to be an unwise practice.

Sometimes we have to find a new job do business with a different company. Discontinue unhealthy relationship we choose not to confront but to quit. We should consider this only after we've outweighed all other options carefully and determine that letting go is the best course of action to make sense to there's times where you work for a boss and he's making sexual advances. I feel uncomfortable when you make jokes like that and they continue make sexual advances, and you understand that your role in the company is of the kind that there may be a time there someone you to report this to any need to directly say this is the way it is and understand the consequences.

There's other times where maybe it's a different situation and you realize no matter what you do, your powerless your role in the company. Your role in the relationship you set at 78 times. It's the 79th. Nothing is changed. You're trying to reprove a mocker and utilizing something. All it will do is inflame the problem. I prayed about it.

I'm willing I'm not uncomfortable. I would do it and you praying God's vision is something this is not one don't go down this road again.

How many times you need to knock your head against that wall for that bump on your head to get bigger and bigger and more painful and realize on this one. You know what you know there was a time when did Jesus say to some of the disciples in a get the dust off your feet move on to the next town.

You don't always have the ability and sometimes it's not God's will to resolve everything with everyone. You do the best you can.

As far as it depends on you and that's why by the way, we have a Holy Spirit he will show you if you're willing and open what to do in various situations.

The third issue is not only the who were the what the hell. How do I deal with the situation. Should I do it in person. Should I do it on the phone.

Should I do it through a letter. How do you know what to do.

I would say the best way if at all possible, is a person. It's the hardest way, but that's the best way because one you can read the body language and you know the goal you speak the truth in love.

I feel hurt. I feel disappointed. I felt used when an and really you get to express your anger to a person when your motive is.

I love them and I want to restore the relationship, not this will make me feel better because I'm getting vengeance. The goal of most anger is vengeance.

And so you need to forgive the person right I'm gonna release you. That's what forgiveness is all about. I'm to be merciful to you the way God is merciful to me, but I'm not can be a doormat so I'm going to tell you I feel this way when you do this but I'm doing it, not because I can guarantee the results it's because I love you and you need to know the truth and the truth will set you free and I'm not going to sit on this and bury this and stuff this and pretend that things are okay and have an inauthentic relationship. And so in person is usually the best way but sometimes because of how the person might respond.

You might say will. Gosh I did that once.

And that's how when they rewired my jaw right or I did that once and it was and so maybe a letters the best way to go to a person that whether they're dead or whether it would be totally inappropriate and you know the response to write a very specific letter. I feel blank when you and because you and you write it out and listed out and you get it out here. I remember a time where the long story. I won't go into it, but I was a guy called me under the premise of something and was trying to trap me and recorded the conversation trying to make me say something bad about someone else and then never played it but told people I'd said things and you know it was a I was pretty young and I like 38 in. I was livid. I mean, I was just I found out about.

I was on the livid I'm you had anger fantasies. You know like pretending terrible things happen to him saying stuff that is the Lord you know and I'm and I was enough. I couldn't sleep and I was angry and a member eat lunch with a fellow pastor really godly guy and he said you know what chip you need to do. You need to write that guy letter you need get it all out. Need to get really straighten and it is a brother that really loves me.

And so man I did not wrote it all out wrote it all out rooted out a 70 read that thing and and he read it out as well. So the motivation for this letter was well menaced. I did this terrible stuff and he needs to know so so so motivation is justice right and then I noticed that some little innuendo here.

It's not very innuendo. It's like you're gonna really slam in the sky as true all okay is true, but so you really want to pay back if I'd call it that. That sounds too much like vengeance and that sounds like some only God should do and anyway I I wrote that letter and he said once you try rewriting it again when you feel like the gold of the letter to restore his relationship to God and his relationship to you, and took me three or four days for to get to where I was willing to do that. I eventually did it. I wrote a letter and then he challenged me said you want to encourage you do want to take that letter put an envelope and put in your briefcase and once you sit on it for 30 days. I did and all the venom all the junk all the injustice in God begin to speak to me and then in that particular case. That letter became just a little monument of God and trust my reputation to you at the end of it. The core of my anger was not what he did. The core of my anger was I was zealous for my reputation. I was zealous for what people might think. And for me was a step of faith. The Sam can entrust that to you Lord and I watched after years later God took care of all of that I never sent the letter. There's a time to send a letter. There's a time not to send the letter for some of you, you write a letter and you have a good friend. Look at it help you process but there's some people in this room.

I guarantee that have 1020 3040 years of pain and resentment that's buried for parents or people or someone who walked out on you. That is unresolved and it's been a poison in your soul and you need to sit down.

Maybe this afternoon ride to three-page letter of what they did, how you actually felt how angry you really felt the negative impact and consequences it's had on your life and you get down to the end and by the grace of God when you can say it, meaning, and I forgive you, and you may never need to send a letter to make sure someone reads a couple times before you ever send anything chip but if you're just joining us, you're listening to living on the shipping chips message today during anger from a foe to a friend is from his series, overcoming emotions that destroy this five-part series from chip takes you behind the scenes to discover the real source of anger, then how to turn that anger into a productive helpful tool for personal and spiritual growth. Anger wears many masks in this series chip explains the most common ways we express our anger and gives practical biblical solutions to help bring in those angry feelings before they destroy our most treasured relationships because the series is one of our best-selling resources. We wanted to make it even more accessible to you while it's on the year. So for a limited time.

All of the audio video book and small group resources for overcoming emotions that destroy our significantly discounted. Whether you're looking for the small group study the book or CD use or free MP3s and message notes. Ordering is easy when you go to LivingontheEdge.org and remember were always available to talk with you by phone at 1-888-333-6003 will trip the sole idea of anger being an ally is so interesting to note such a complete 180 from everything I've ever thought about anger but to kinda retool my thinking on this date. You're not alone on that when I think most people believe that anger is bad. That is always sinful, and the truth is, it's a neutral emotion. God wants to use anger for good as much as all the bad that comes out of it and I think what happens is, until you get in a group of people and discuss it and shine the light on where you're angry, and why, and how it can be used for good. It's pretty tough to discover these things on your own. It was very true. And you know it seems that some topics are better suited than others.

For the small group experience.

Would you agree with that.

Yeah I really do. In fact, there's a group of guys and they all came out of the celebrate recovery journey and they were involved in various addictions and you know they own their stuff and have been in this together about six or seven of them, and they talked about how they went through a number of our small group resources, and after sort of. They did okay this is who I am in Christ and that it was okay. I want to become a Rumsfeld Christian then it was like we did whole ambition and he said it was like we took our 12 steps to step number 13 and 14 and it was just so excited because they they said so many of us were stock or you know we we we got involved in things because we were heard we were damaged or we were abused or we abuse substances, and you know what there is healing. Confess your sins to one another, that you might be healed, but that healing is always around truth. I think this is one of those issues that the anger is sort of it that the very top and it's like that tip of the iceberg. And when you begin to discuss those things in a safe environment around truth healing very deeply to the core of our being can occur and that's why we created small group resource will help you get this study for your small group or to help you get a group started.

We've temporarily discounted the small group resources for overcoming emotions that destroy just go to our website LivingontheEdge.org for all the details again for limited time. The small group resources for overcoming emotions that destroy have been deeply discounted to place your order just head over to LivingontheEdge.org or give us a call at 1-888-333-6003 will now here's chip with his final application as we close today's program will remind you the little story that I compared anger to wild stallion, you know, there's nothing wrong with the horse but out-of-control dangerous under control useful adventure anger. Anger is not bad.

It is not sinful.

It is not wrong.

It is a neutral emotion that can be used for great good or great damage and most of us really have no idea how angry we are and then we talked about you know that the very specific game plan of be sure you know who you're angry at what you should do and then how to deal with the situation will have a friend I was visiting and were good buddies and that he's a fellow pastor and we were talking and he went through a huge leadership issue in his church. I mean just one of those deals that is a past you just wake up one day and you go what in the world happened and that he did talk to me. Apparently I buy dropped in this book in the mail year or so ago and he said I started reading this book and he said I realized some of the big issues.

I mean bad things were happening out there and some ungodly things, but never in my life thought I was angry. He said I realize I had major anger issues, but I was a pushing downer and a leaguer and then I begin to see how that had infected the leadership culture. He said I read that book God did something crazy and then pretty soon I was sharing in counseling.

You told me to be said. I just I forget it.

I bought a case of these things he says what I do now as I get counseling. I realized they got anger issue I sent you what. The counseling go-ahead read this book. Come back in a couple weeks and he said thanks a lot you help me out, so all I can tell you is you know, even pastors. What we just people that we all think are so godly and so wonderful at and they are but anger is one of those issues that most of us have thought is so bad, or we don't think we have an anger issue at all.

We never realize that God wants to use it for good. How about you what you need to do with your anger.

Let's get out of the denial one should pray. Honestly God show me show me where I'm angry and how I can deal with it and I'll tell you what, he'll meet you as we ramp up today's program. I want to say thank you to those who make this broadcast possible through your generous financial support Living on the Edge invests those dollars to create radio programs develop small group resources, and offer literally hundreds of A/V imprint items free every month.

If you've been blessed by the ministry of Living on the Edge but never supported us financially, would you consider sending a gift today. You can donate online at http://livingontheedge.org or by giving us a call at 1-888-333-6003. Thank you so much for your partnership with us will tomorrow and Living on the Edge chip will continue our current series overcoming emotions that destroy should make plans to join us that chip and the entire team here, this is Dave really saying thanks for listening. this Edition of Living on the Edge