Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage - Communication: How to Share Hearts Instead of Exchange Words, Part 1

The first two years of our marriage and Teresa and I argued and thought a lot and then I learned five principles from Scripture that will revolutionize how we dealt with those issues, we still have vines still disagree, but we learned how to communicate hearts instead of just exchange you want to learn how to improve communication with your stick. Welcome to this Tuesday edition of living all the shipping chip serves as our Bible teacher of his daily national discipleship program. I do today. Chip continues his series experiencing God's dream for your marriage, assuring specific ways to improve communication in your marriage after the teaching chip will be with us to talk for sure specific application, so be sure to stay with us for that. Now here's chip with his message communication, how to share hearts instead of exchange words from Ephesians chapter 4 communication is the highway upon which love travels okay communication is the highway upon which love travels you can love one another. You can love God you can be committed to one another and if you can't get out inside of you. What you really think and what you really feel and if your mate can't do it in a way that doesn't attack and wound one another.

I will tell you in years and years of marriage counseling. There are people that love one another love God and no longer are together because they could not communicate and get to the heart of issues I told you earlier about that first couple years of my life and that Prof. sent us to marriage counseling and I that 90% of it was learned to communicate, we didn't know how to resolve anger and we do not communicate with you what. There's a lot of issues that if you can't get the love traveling on the highway of communication you dad and the frustration boils over, especially if you really love God and you want to get through and you want to express this to your mate but you just keep getting knocked down pretty soon the blame starts the greatest, most vivid example it's in your notes it.

It starts with all started with the car. It was early pastor that I had in Texas. Many, many years ago and I love play basketball.

If you've ever heard me speak you know I'm a basketball junkie and had the privilege of planning, college, and then around the world for a couple three summers and this these neighbors had a hoop and so I know if these are can be my friends and you know get him to go, apply, and we started playing and he had three boys and I had boys and one thing led to another and I found out that he was there he been through a couple very difficult relationships and he had four teenagers and that he was living with a gal who'd been through some really painful relationships in a couple three marriages and that she had a tiny little girl. They're all living together and so women downplay basketball 6789 months and the little by little, got a chance to share Christ with them in and then he came down one day and I can still remember you know I was I was reading next my mailbox and Dan comes by what you tell me so would mean why do you tell me what in the tell you what you want those preacher types your your pastor, a simple yeah I am he said well we been, watching you increasingly been listening we will get married remarries and I'm thinking oh boy, I said will I tell you what one of the things I have. As I always do six weeks minimum of counseling and you really don't know what marriage is in and it is kinda hard, and someone talk about how that works and I would love to meet with you and your wife, and Teresa lutes, who well, we did it by about the third session they both came to Christ, amazing stories great redemption and I went through the whole process and then now were into this new married six or nine months there both brand-new in Christ. They both love God there both in God's word. They're both going else is good church.

I got to be the pastors is a great group of people and and so I came by and he was in this traveling job where you know like Monday through Thursday, or even all the way Friday he'd be traveling all over America in sales and they come home when she's with four teenagers that are hers. Okay. And they're making her nuts and so he comes home, and he's thinking I'm see my wife let's go out to dinner and get a really lover. We have a dateless all the stuff and she's thinking we can resolve conflict with Bob at school and you are your other son and your daughter.

You know she's dating this guy she's juggling all this stuff and so anyway they come home and she's listening.

She's meeting with Reese and he's meeting with me so this is listen listen. They love each other member. They're committed to the Lord. Remember actually growing spiritually remember and so he comes over the weekend and she says I want to be other centered and grace giving so they got to a beautiful dinner. They have a romantic evening. They take walks. The next day in, but she keeps waiting for whenever you have the big talk me winning and sit down and talk about you and Mike in the discipline these kids in the too big for me and what about these issues and we got all kind of things we need to do what he wants to be other centered and it's getting cold in Texas so it's Sunday afternoon and he's gonna get on the plane about five or six hours so he is out underneath the car changing the oil of her car to make sure the antifreeze so he's loving her.

I get the store I walked down I know nothing of play basketball and Maya when my kids runs out of houses is dead. Better watch out, it's going like crazy down there supporting me inside. I walk up mother time I get there. I mean, it is a no holds barred. He's gonna happen to the car sitting up like that. There is veins eyes all bank plates have already been flowing. There is cursing. There is you are this everything they've ever thought I me like all everything they brought another mers was ugly, bad, they just disputed on one another and I mean why my keep my kid rain is what happened will plane almost hit me went with Pinecrest against the law, you know, next get home you know so I watched all this happen and she's there thinking what and I'm loving these four adults you know teenage adults and I got all the stuff on my hands and even your two and half days.

We had a decent talk and you get on a plane I'm stuck with all this on what to do and he's thinking you know what I have come home and I have wined and dined. Instead of getting a workout doing some stuff I want to do and I took these romantic walks and chocolate chips as were supposed to do and all this just and here I am out here trying to get your car ready for you so you're safe and you treat and I will remember doing a debrief about a week later and hours with him. Teresa hours with her bring them both together. Here's what I can tell you he did what he did all weekend for one reason he loved her. She did what she did all weekend because she loved him.

They both put the other person first.

In a way that they understood to obey God and they had one of the biggest fights that put a a barrier in their marriage that they never recover from C. We learned you need to love God and of his plan. They knew it. We said their barriers. They identified their barriers and they love one another and they were operating to solve it.

But what they couldn't do is they had not learned how on the highway of communication to get the love that was sin in heart for his wife and her love for him on the highway of communication in a way that get received, and under pressure.

They would back to the old ways and you know to this day I know two people are no longer together who love one another, who both love God because they didn't learn what we can learn right now, let's talk about the communication process word and learn what it is and how it works understand the communication process.

The definition is the meeting of meanings. Write the word meanings, communication is not talking.

It's when the meaning what's in your heart what you really mean somehow goes across this highway into the heart into the mind of your mate Norman Wright says communication is the privilege of exchanging vulnerabilities. By the way, the word vulnerable. It means open to woundedness to great communication is always risky and often painful before gets good.

Norman Wright also says communication is the process of sharing yourself verbally and nonverbally in such a way that the other person listen, can both accept and understand what you're saying. So if you say it in a way where they can't accept it or they can't understand it, you don't communicate, you can say I said the right words I wrote it down. This is the way it is. If they can't hear it. You didn't communicate and a lot of times we do things unintentionally, completely unintentionally that shut down the medication process. Many of us think, especially us as men. We think munication look as nice as I love you okay I love you don't get it what to do. I love you and I said it wants us and you know we I love you. Okay, get over it. Know what my word say someone could've put that in the transcript and said all my chip such a wonderful husband. He just said six times in a row. I love you, so that was my tone of voice was notice on your notes.

The complete message. Words alone are about 7%, tone of voice 38% facial expression, gestures, posture, the nonverbal 55% and by the way, that sometimes is as men we get really frustrated because we you know were really trying, but they can read behind and some of you guys can do it Tuesday know is, like yeah lets you know you we need a deep talk yet, go ahead home. What you whatever, just tell me. I really want to hear communication that's kids euros going on listen listen CC your body, your presence, your face, your tone of voice. Your eyes all of that is how we communicate with one another and if we think I said the right thing or I even met the right thing and if you think you got through. You may not of all, and I notice it's a skill it's the highway on which love travels.

It is a skill. It can be learned. But most of us did not grow up with models where people communicated clearly and well, and most of us don't know how many I spent about $90 at was a student right. I spent $90 on making $1000 a month in seminary and I've got three kids. I'm working full time, going to school full-time and I've got this little tiny apartment you can live all that on a thousand.

I paid $90 for 12 weeks in a row to learn how to communicate. So actually, I should be charging most of you, for me telling you what these counselors taught me.

I and I have some passages would be helpful to but it's a skill there's five levels of communication.

According to author John Powell who wrote the book why I'm afraid to tell you I he says there's a cliché level I safe, shallow, no how are you I'm fine. There's level II reporting facts refers to basically third person that you heard about the other day note I things going to write there's level III ideas or judgment. Risk begins here because there's attachment of yourself with the facts so what did you think of that message last week in church.

What do you think about the current political situation of what you think about what we need to do with our money to see that now.

Now what you say may cause little conflicts. It's getting little bit more dangerous level for his feelings and emotions laying self on the line. I feel hurt. I'm struggling I'm depressed. I was really offended last night when we were with that couple and you brought that subject up that you never talked with me about that. I felt really damaged. Level V is open communication, total honesty, mutual understanding, vulnerability, no holds barred on the left side of your notes. At the very top where it says level I Arent you want write the word safe and put a box around it and at the very bottom where it says level V I want to write the word dangerous because here's what you need understand shallow communication is very safe but it doesn't lead intimacy.

Intimacy occurs at levels four and five yet moves from safe to dangerous but deeply fulfilling along with deep sleep.

Painful conversations happen at levels four and especially at level V and if you don't understand. Then you start opening up and you start sharing and then some hard things you come out and you can get wounded and you can get hurt and instead of realizing this is normal. This is like were at level IV.5 and I guess I need to be real sensitive to what the spirit saying so that before comes out of my mouth.

I really process it and instead of striking back. Maybe you really needed. Listen carefully. There may be a nugget of truth into this. See if you don't know it's dangerous when you react right and pretty soon you close down and will talk about. So how in the world do you move from level I down progressively in different areas to level V intimacy always occurs at levels four and five but some of you might be having this thought, wait a minute you know I tried that before. And you're right there is a lot of faith. I was really open before and we've done some of that and you know what, if you can ask me to go there again. I'm not is it hurt too badly I want to suggest is that you need some rules you need some principles from God to build that highway of communication so you can go there without getting hurt. I so with that let me give you five principles I believe it will transform communication in your home. If you open your Bibles to Ephesians chapter 4. The context is really exciting because you are the first three chapters about all these wonderful great things that God has done your new person in Christ, then chapter 4 opens up now walk in a manner worthy of your calling. How do you live out this new supernatural life. The spirit of God is taken up residence in you.

You been taken out of the kingdom of darkness even pulled into the kingdom of light, your sins are gone.

You have peace. The spirit lives in you. Your part of the new family called the church. You are to be transformed.

He says how does it work in the first 17 verses.

He begins to explain about who you are in Christ and how your mind needs to be transformed in the supernatural thing called the church is called a community where his apostles and prophets and evangelists and teachers of the equip the saints to do the work of the ministry to everyone is mature and the ideas were with all the fullness would become more and more like Jesus and then after he lays all that out, he picks it up and he says okay now let me target about five specific areas about how this practically works out in your relationships, how do you live out this new supernatural like the spirit of God in you, you're born again your Christian, how does it work in relationships and he gives five very simple principles principle number one you pick it up in verse 15, but he develops it in verse 25 and it simply put, be honest, right those two words down speak the truth in love, me. This is the key to communication is easy to speak the truth is easy to speak in love is very hard to speak the truth in love. I mean, you know it's easy speak the truth, you gained a lot of weight lately. What's problem all nothing really I think it's the lazy guy I married to. The truth is just right out there on the table. No problem here, right but I'm not sure that's can bring about good communication or you don't ever mention areas that are of pain or problem.

All you wonderful I'm wonderful your wonderful immortal know you know you're more wonderful none in the know you're wonderful but I'm a wonderful and just take all that junk you know facing you push down speak in the truth and hard speaking in love and hard speaking the truth in love requires tremendous spirit directed capacity.

Notice what he says in verse 15 but speaking the truth in love knows what happens. We are to grow up in all aspects into him who is the head, even Christ finish then with lying and tell your neighbor the truth will your your mate is a neighbor. We are not separate units but intimately related to one another in Christ.

It means that we stop pretending it means we don't lie and it means that in a very calculated wise God ordained way, we begin to move into levels four and five, and we start talking honestly about areas of conflict areas that are hard areas where you're dissatisfied areas where you feel wounded, but you speak the truth in a way with the other person can hear it because it's couched in I'm not down on you. This is not payback. I'm going to give you some specific skills toward the end about how to do this okay, but what you gotta do. We've gotta be honest you don't grow unless were honest with one another one of that one of the little applications I would give you right in your notes. Make direct requests. One of the things we do is we think our mates can read our minds and so you know the car is 1/4 low on empty and your husband drive your car and it comes back all the way on empty and you're frustrated and everything and so what we go to is I can't believe he soon consider wisely my car. That way you know I get this for you. If he's anything like me. I don't know where my car is heaven knows I know what yours is often my wife grew up with a dad who is like Mr. fix it. You know like Mr. Rogers on steroids accepting a Mr. Green jeans was there and it makes it he painted his house every three years, whether needed or not.

I didn't even notice what I house needed painted okay and so she's think I'm to be like him. And so she's assuming what we know, what have you have you service the cars not running you know or you know when we can repair this thing.

It's in the brokenness way to end up. I wasn't good or bad. I just let you know my dad was good at catching baseballs kidding baseballs playing basketball gives a golden glove boxer.

You know what I learned I learned how to do sports I did you know when something broke my dad call the repairman.

He couldn't do anything and he reproduced after himself and what she learned. Here's a skill make direct requests.

She started doing simple things like chipper you needs my car right now. Yeah because I need it's got more room would you mind filling it with gas know that I did a fellow hero who boiled it is you know that I started changing oil. I mean she thought I was metamorphic size right in front of her, speak the truth in love those kind of issues like that sometimes go unspoken for 10, 15, 20 years in marriages second. Even though this much was in Bible that be angry deal with anger appropriately. Notice what it says if you're angry, be sure that is not out of wounded pride or bad temper never go to bed angry.

Don't give the devil that sort of foothold at the Phillips translation Ephesians 426 and 27. The literal translation is be angry.

It's a command it's an imperative, yet do not sin. Don't let the sun go down on your anger. Anger is the most destructive emotion in any marriage relationship. Anger is the distance between your expectations and your experience is anger, but it was doing what you thought was gonna happen what you currently experiencing creates anger sometimes is justified and sometimes it's not just you know they just tick you off a little bit. This could your selfish but he says be angry if you don't deal with that anger and if you push it down. Some researchers say as much as 90% of all depression is rooted in unresolved anger. I can tell you it will cause your stomach to do this. But here's what's worse, what's his first say you know we don't think about you know the spirit world and and and you know Jesus came to what to give life the enemy came to destroy and to steal and kill what's his first say be angry yet don't send, don't let the enemy get a foothold you know when you go to bed mad. We have unresolved anger when you push it down you are inviting demonic spirits to begin to divide and then you start playing in your mind and blame shifting may not say what it is a serious thing to be able to say I feel angry I don't how we need to resolve it, but I feel angry about one of the little tools I feel bad giving this away because I paid my $90 for 12 weeks but I'm giving it to you. Freezone should write this down a skill. Here is what we call I feel messages are Christian counseling on a 3 x 5 card was on our refrigerator for two years. I feel blank when you blank your leg over that again, slower. Okay I feel blank hurt, angry, frustrated, lonely when you blank don't come home on time. Don't call are not affectionate or responsive. I feel blank when you blank see what we tend to do is reuse and should and never and always. You should never doubt that you always do that you, how do parents talk to children ought should never always when you hear that from your mate. Those are fighting words. You tell a man you never you ought, you should his manhood is channels you will you go to and when you say that to a woman. It's like some you know my father talking down to me and make me feel small or if you think you think she's withdrawing now what you keep talking like that. My wife and I bumped heads and we do know how to resolve anger and that card was on here and I had one thing that drove her crazy. She would make dinner and she is what we call a.communicator on the – communicator.communicators mean when they say something. There's a.

At the end of it. We're going to eat 530.it's concrete that me not 531 530 and when you come in at 20 till six, – 530 say let's meet at 530 to me that that 5:20 20 to 6. Depending on traffic. Depending whatever else is happening. I'm sure you understand I understand. I'll give you grace. You give me grace. Okay, – America.yet another difference. So it's 530 and I come in, not 20 till and I don't call and it's not 6 o'clock. I'm thinking you understand I'm working full time I'm going to school full-time, like two afternoons I can play pickup basketball when you play pickup basketball when you when you stay on okay okay I won three games.

I'm not going to leave when I'm still on. I mean, this is my one little fun you know about on the skinny little white kid play I I'm on I'm not gonna.

I can go home and so I come home like 3040 minutes late and I've had a great time playing basketball and then here we go again.

You ought. You should never, here's the cold supper and when we thought about it and and so we we communicated as we did, she would shut down for two or three days and I would know try make it up to her and and I kept doing the same thing and I'll never forget. I came home typically late and instead of she acting like my mother mother when your wife act like your mother is take the bank honey work and I am you know right and so should have her hands on her hips, and there's candles and all she was your your foods and other no get it for if you want to sit down to do do do do do do you know what this counselor. Teaching her was good and scary and so she brings it in sets it down and she so much of the kids and I had a good meal so I'm thinking who's got some that try to handle this and so I sat down and I started eaten. She just waited calm under control closed in her right mind, and I had all my defenses up and and I will never forget. She looked at me and she said Chip I feel like you don't love me when I spent all day cooking a meal to express my love to you and you don't show up you don't call like Gavin fight like a real man. You know, eyes watering up. I feel like see you see where the attack is gone it's and I feel message and pretty soon it was I feel frustrated I feel confused I feel lonely I feel left out and you can learn to begin to express anger with this little message that doesn't attack the person and then you know I don't know something happen.

I just thought know a second I love the play ball, but I love my wife.

If this makes her feel like I don't lover hey guys I got news for you know what get a brother over here next chain-link fences and you know it is your lucky day on, and this is my team and you get my spot.

I got ago You can run and I got home, I mean it got to be. I rarely ever was not on time because as long as she was chiding me as long as she was trying to get change me. Instead of opening her heart and telling me how she felt. Then we were in a battle when I realize I was wounding her mommy and I may not be sensitive but I'm not a jerk. That is what you know is in the kindness of the Lord. It was her kindness to transforming her nagging talk more about what you just heard you're just joining us, listening to living on the judge with Chip Ingram chips message today is from his series experiencing God's dream for your marriage. The six part series covers key issues that every marriage faces and provides helpful biblical insight with you been married four months or 40 years communication, intimacy, resolving conflict in the roles of husband-and-wife are all addressed. I want you to know that in addition to the series resources that are currently discounted. We've got another great resource for you chips book marriage that works marriage that works provides the how to blueprint that will help you experience God's dream for your marriage and is a very special gift. When you order marriage that works will include absolutely free set of chips marriage that works truth cards, but these are 20 cards that each describe a lot. We tend to believe about marriage, and then the truth from Scripture, but combats that lie, whether for you or someone you care about were pulling out all the stops to equip you to experience God's dream for your marriage. For all the details, visit us online at http://livingontheedge.org or give us a call at 1-888-333-6003. I'll be right back. But before I do, let me just be very clear and very direct because there's times where you just sorta go through life and you take things for granted. So you know I take for granted that the roads on the highway work. I take for granted that things get cleaned up. I take for granted that you just a number of things in life. They just have but I don't think about them.

One of the things we find over time that people take for granted is that this just pops up on your radio station or just assume that podcast is coming you strap it on your arm. You get on the treadmill or the bike you take a walk outside and is like, you know. Hey, I really appreciate that Living on the Edge that teaching or they're going to come out with a new DVD series or two. And that's great and that's can help our small group.

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Now here's chip I have to tell you that one of the things that I ended this teaching on was this I feel message I told you the story of you know we thought, and communication is the highway upon which love travels and you've got to get this I love Teresa with all my heart. She loved me with all her heart, and I mean she made me nuts. I just thought she was so narrow, what's the big deal I just want to play basketball and she thought I was so inconsiderate we didn't connect.

We didn't know how to break through that barrier until we use that tool that I feel message and I mean it was like a dagger in my heart when she said I feel hurt when you and then she explained. And so here's the application for you. I want you to write on a 3 x 5 card.

I feel like when you… And then instead of nagging. In Ott's insureds and trying to power your maid and get them to understand. I want you to use and I feel message. If you want to see how that looks. You can go to the website and there's notes where you can print it out. Look at it right it out or I would encourage you. This is why getting the DVD is gonna be really important where you can see and words pictured exactly how you share and I feel message because I kinda model it sort out loud where you know there's people you can do it you know something you just can't let your heart get wounded.

You can't get better, you can't feel like it's impossible when you love one another. The problem is not the person. The problem is discovering how to communicate your love in a way with the other person can get it and it can happen today use one. I feel message got a just before we close, would you stop for a moment and offer up a prayer for Living on the Edge we've never seen a greater need for God's truth to go out for right now and by God's grace Living on the Edge is been able to provide encouragement, teaching, and personal discipleship resources to more people than ever before.

So thank you to those who support us through your prayers. God is doing amazing things for all of us here, this is Dave really saying thanks for listening. this Edition of Living on the Edge