God's Wisdom for Building Great Relationships - You Can't Give Away What You Don't Possess

Have you ever tried to fix something, but the tool that you needed wasn't in the toolbox. You got a special recipe and you're excited about it but you don't have the key ingredient just doesn't work right. Will the same thing is true when it comes to building great relationships there is a specific key required and if you have it your business if you don't, it's probably not can work very well if you want to learn what it takes to build great relationships stay thanks for joining us for this Monday edition of Living on the Edge with Living on the Edge features the Bible on the discipleship program nature continues a series God's wisdom. Building relationships just before you get started. Let me encourage you to try using chips will help you remember what you hear should for quick download go to LivingontheEdge.org click the broadcasts your strip. I'm talking about basically life lessons in terms of building a great family and just great friendships principles that have to do with marriage, parenting, friendships are your boss and so what let me do a quick review principle number one of the biggest lesson I learned was it all begins with God. God created relationships and his word gives direction on how to have great ones by his intent.

And so the passage was a Proverbs 910 is the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and the knowledge of the holy one is understanding saying God, the wisdom, the skill to do relationships you have. It and the practice was make God's word, your handbook for relational guidelines.

In other words, if God says look this is how to do marriage do it his way is, is this how to raise your kids do it his way. He says this is how to respond your parents do it his way. If he says look here's how you do business, relationships, friendships, do it his way.

The second principle was that everyone is desperately insecure. We looked at the very beginning of time and Adam and Eve and that one sin entered the world were were all varying degrees. We just desperately insecure people and so he said the passage was Genesis chapter 3, and that our practice was take off your mask authenticity builds genuine relational intimacy and hypocrisy destroys it, that great truth that people are not looking for perfect people, but people like you and me are really looking for authentic, real people. Principle number three is everyone behaves in a way that makes sense to them. Everyone you meet every behavior you encounter, whether it's from your dad your mom your mate, your friend, your boss and employee. Everyone behaves in a way that makes sense to them with people acting immature, inappropriate, or even have patterns that appear absolutely dysfunctional and damaging their doing it for reasons that at least inside their head and from their experience. It makes sense. Principle number four. You cannot impart what you do not possess say what's that got to do with relationships. I'll get to that, relationships at all begins with God. What does he say, then I understand. Every person, beginning with me is desperately insecure and then I began to look at and and and process by saying people act in all these unusual ways, but it actually makes sense to them. It makes sense, and then finally you can't impart what you don't possess. In other words, if you do not like you.

You will never love others and I don't mean that, like pop psychology.

I mean like Jesus, you know, we say what's the great commandment. Matthew 22 3839 you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind and love your neighbor how is yourself now for desperately insecure and I don't like me is really hard if I don't feel whole.

If I don't feel loved. It's really hard to give away something I don't have when I grew up in those early years in high school I I was as I shared very desperately insecure for lots of reasons and seven. I really like sports, my dad knew were impacted by our family. My dad was a great athlete and drafted into the pros and you know one the state of Golden gloves and boxing and all kinda great stuff and so in seventh grade on 4 foot 11/8 grade I I shoot up to 5 feet 1/9 grade.

I'm 5 feet for in a junior high of seven or 800 students and I weigh like hundred and you probably 3 pounds in your childhood memory when you can look at all the students of an entire school and you want to be a basketball player and there's only two people that are shorter than you are. Cindy Christian and Brad*is is that bizarre that I still remember their names right you do you tell tell me arch our child has no name so so here I am the super skinny super short feeling desperately insecure desperately inferior. So what I do. I did what you do. We all compensate and so some of the amazing good things I got from my father was set goals, develop a strategy and work harder than everyone else. If you're working while they're sleeping good things will happen to you and so I became a workaholic at about 13 and driven, and I practice when no one else practiced by God's grace I bumped up a few inches eventually. But here's what happened.

What I learned was that performance in school and sports in grades relationships skills to get people to like me and appearing in ways that people would approve would buy me affirmation and affirmation feels a lot like love but it's not see affirmation, as I affirm you for what you did. I affirm you for how you look, I affirm you for what you accomplished. I affirm you because you're good with the guitar good on the drums are good at basketball are good at lacrosse.

I affirm you because while you're one of the prettiest people I've ever seen. I affirm you because your dad's really rich and I like going on vacations with you and so most of us some point in time.

Figure out how to get affirmation and then by God's grace. Many of us come to know Jesus. And we know intellectually what what's happened we're pulled out the kingdom of darkness in the kingdom of God. All of our sins have been forgiven. We have a new father. We have a new family. We have a new piece we have a new future. We have a certain R significance has been established for the object of God's love, the prayer of the upright is his delight were loved like we will never ever be love totally apart from our performance and were a brand-new creature in Christ that we live out in this fallen world. But see second print is 517 says if any man, or if any woman is in Christ, the old things passed away tense of the verb they're gone forever. Behold all things become new tense of the verb.

It's a process. Yes, I was in darkness, Naaman, life of the child of the darkness, son of the light. Yes, I'm forgiven. I'm significant on love. I the Holy Spirit. I have gifts of been sealed my future on the object of God's affection, not it's a process and so when I began my marriage. Some of these things that I've learned.

They stick something called the flesh and so I thought to myself, not consciously.

Let's see if I want have a good marriage and I want the most important person to love me except me and affirm me in ways that really matter to me all figure out what she wants.

And so, okay, a good husband. Is this this and this all do that. Oh yes, it's this too many to do this as I perform performed and worked and worked and worked and worked but an amazing thing happened. I was working in the relationship to get my wife to love me in ways that I thought were significant to me and it was all built came out of what came out of a hole came out of my need it came out of manipulating and trying to do the right thing to push the right buttons to get someone to love me. I wasn't loving her unconditionally. I was loving her in a way that I hope that get love back.

The passage is Ephesians 51 into its is therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave himself up for us as an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma. If you open your Bible to this and get going to do the work. Okay, there's two commands there but yet open your Bibles because that therefore means something happen. In verse 32 and 31 chapter 4. As you turn there you you'll notice that the point is you can't impart what you don't possess. In other words, if you are not sensing knowing accepting the love that you already have from God, you can't give away love to others. You will be forced into some dysfunctional means of trying to manipulate, pretend image cast to get people to affirm and to love you but notice it says therefore be command want be a imitator of God. A mimic what he is supposed to mimic look in your Bibles. What's verse 32 say go ahead looking your Bibles, therefore, be kind to one another, right, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God also in Christ has forgiven you, but what what's verse 31, skip up. Therefore, he says your business brand-new person in relationship to some, but all malice and wrath and anger and slander and all these negative attitudes.

What what does that put them away, but instead, be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, and then verse that we look at is, therefore, be a mimic of God to mimic God what to mimic. Mimic a mimic of 1% of this they do that they do that they do this so what are we to mimic were to mimic to be kind, and relationships the way God is kind were to be tenderhearted with people the way God is tenderhearted work, to forgive a release, or let people go the way God has let us go and forgiven us based on Christ's work and so you have a command that says mimic God and did you notice a second command.

It says walk in love, and it describes what love looks like this is an legally feeling, how do you love just as Christ loved us will. How did he love us to would legally feeling in his heart will I hope there was some of that but the Bible says the way he loved us. He gave himself up for us sacrifice and he made in his life a sacrifice. He gave he radically gave himself whether we responded or not that here's what I want you to do between mimic and God and walking in love in parenthesis and you could put a circle around it in your Bible. What's the little phrase between those mimic God. How as a beloved child or literally as a dearly loved one. Did you understand what the passage is teaching me saying I want you to love in this impossible way.

Forgive my God forgives me kindly.

God forgive me compassion like God want you had lived this amazing supernatural sacrificial life toward others, but where's the resource as a dearly loved child.

You can't give away what you don't possess my experiences. The average Christian may intellectually know their love. The average Christian doesn't feel loved.

You are significant you are valuable you are loved by God.

Today, apart from anything you could ever do as much as you will ever be loved. There's nothing you can do to diminish his love.

There's nothing you can do to get more of his love.

He loves you, and the basis of the Christian life is not to read my Bible and pray on a mission trip but from a good Christian Cartwright have really good morals. Now God will you accept me you love me completely opposite it. You've already been forgiven. I love you I care for you. The object, my affection, you are my child. Now walk in a manner worthy of who you already are and you don't read your Bible get brownie points is because you like being together. I'll go have coffee with my wife and say okay excuse me dear we have a little box talked with wife today.

Okay the next little box with no help clean up around the house. Now do you love me. I do that I ready for this. I just want to be with her. She loves and accepts me the Christian life is knowing believing and feeling that you are so loved and accepted. But now you can be a giver in relationships and no relationship works if ultimately your desire is to get something from it. If you pretend to give affection or give it, but the string is I will be affectionate if you do this if you give gifts so that this will happen if you play little games to manipulate one another. What happens is as soon as the other person isn't coming through and what have you heard you rejected your angry see God's not asking you to be nice to your mate are nice to your kids are nice to your parents or be a a good old Joe out there in the marketplace. He's asking you to mimic God treat them the way Jesus would treat them if he was walking around inside your body and you do need to remember he is right.

He dwells in you. How the world can you do that you can only do it when you so except know and believe that you are dearly, dearly loved by God. Otherwise, I'd I jot a note in my notes until I find my significant security and value from my relationship with Jesus. Every relationship will be a dysfunctional attempt to get love and acceptance from others through my performance manipulation looks barter or deceit cannot pay the greatest thing will ever happen in any of your relationships is for you to really believe not just with the head but from the heart that you are so loved by God that you are now secure enough to risk loving and caring and giving even if it doesn't come back as I've come to the point where you know you get up and talk in front of people do. I want you to like me, are you kidding me. Yeah. Do I want your approval yeah do I want my wife's approval.

Yet all my kids to think this and that about me of course.

But if that's my motivation. Guess what I will pretend to be something I'll not, I won't say what God really wants me to say so I've come to. It's okay to want that.

I just don't need it and you don't need it either and there is no person that will ever come through for you hundred percent of the time there's no next job. No wonderful house. No amount of money, no accomplishment, no big goal that you can achieve that when you achieve you all. Now I must somebody come significant time value you will happen about three minutes after you achieve that or have that you realize this and deliver on the cat chasing its tail. Well I guess I just need a bigger thing or a new model or a prettier aura and so here's the practice loving others demand. I learned to know accept and feel God's unconditional love for me. You need to know accept and feel God's unconditional love for me and if you feel like a little behind on this. I was probably a Christian at least 10 years and a pastor before I realized how much of my energy and my service to God was really about trying to gain his approval and people's approval rather than living out of being already loved. Let me give you some specific ways to go to work on this. The first one is, how do you know knowledge is the intellectual issue. Jot down if you would Romans 58 Romans 58 says while you were yet a sinner.

Christ demonstrated his love for you and that he died for you so I'm coming before you even join the family and those people who choose not to join the family those people who God loves them.

They won't receive the benefits of that love because of their pride in their unwillingness to surrender to his love, but but it isn't good to remember to know God loves you apart from your performance doesn't mean your performance is an important, because that's why I express my love to him, but you can earn it will then how do you accept God's God's love. How do you get where just being the regular old normal people that we all are, how you get where you begin to know and accept that you really are loved so you don't have to manipulate and perform and do all the stuff that, by the way, we will all do to some degree until we die right will first of all, I think, jot down if you would in your notes Psalm 139 here's what God thinks of you.

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. God doesn't compare you to the person the front of Cosmo are people God doesn't compare you to someone on the front of Fortune 500. You are fearfully and wonderfully made the all-knowing and all-powerful, all wise God of all the universe and were just this one little tiny part of it created you and he loves just what he may like we say all that's a Rembrandt.

What a great work of art.

God says he made you and they stepped back and goes you want to see greatness. There is the pinnacle of my creation, there's not another one like it in all the world. There's a DNA there is eyes there's a way of thinking.

There's a background as a family, all this put together bring the honor and glory. My image is stamped on this person. The color of eyes the color of hair the personality to how your mind thinks what you're good at what you not get he says you are exactly what I wanted to make, but most of us spend most of her energy looking around what the world says and trying to be like someone else, or look like someone else, or perform like someone else instead of saying you try looking in the mirror this week. I'm fearfully and wonderfully made.

I look exactly how God wanted me to look God's standard of beauty and value and significance is the only one that matters what you begin to renew your mind. I started writing these things on cards and that verse. Psalm 139 and begin to pray and back to God to see him in my mind the people that are wonderfully made her sick six and can jump a lot higher than me. Okay all my life. You know it's people who could do this award. I get all that until I came to the point where are you ready and tell you like you. You can't love other people and by like I don't mean that your content with unit behavior issues that you know are ungodly.

I mean where you say you know something I have these strengths and have these weaknesses and this is the package that God made and the strengths and to build confidence and a part of God's glory and the weaknesses are so that I'm always dependent on other people and realize that I can't make this little world by myself. I can never make it without others.

The second way I think you get a grasp of how loved you are is by the price your your value to God. I mean, if we lined up. Can you imagine what if we lined up everyone on this back wall. Every single person and then we brought in a multi-multibillionaire and we said you can only choose one person and you have to pay $1 billion for this one person when you pay that you can have them in the years and what if you looked and looked and looked and did research and did all kind of things and look at everything that everyone is whole room brought and I said you $1 million for you corset you said you and that'll ever all of us are here, and he writes out a check for $1 billion and you step out. Would you not feel pretty good about yourself, jot down, would you first Corinthians 6 1920 God and pay $1 billion for you.

Do you not know that you are not your own. But your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit that you have been purchased with the price Jesus all-knowing, all-powerful, looking down all the core doors of all time and eternity said when your name comes up on the computer screen of the eternal Godhead all pay the blood of my son for the person sitting in your seat. That's how much you matter.

I mean you don't wait with. We have a little diamond in a cost of thousand dollars.

We say it's worth something. If we have a big time and it cost $1 million. We say it's worth a lot more.

Why, because of the cost. See part of the suite.

We just need to begin to grasp how valuable we are because of who made us and how valuable we are because we been purchased and then I think we need to.

Practically, not just know not just accept but my journey has been.

How do you feel how you get that from here to here and as I read Scripture to the last 30 years. I took this little book on the character of God and is lots of chapters. It's a book on God's character, the knowledge of the holy by toes or but I've read the goodness of God. Probably 10 times more, and on the love of God 10 times more than any chapter in this book for 30 years and some stages for a decade of time I read at least a chapter week or more and then I would write on the card a little quote in a passage in the only way I can learn to get it from my head to my heart was to take that truth and pray to God and ask him to make real in my heart. What is true and help me to feel it and then I learn from Scripture from David that if I would sing that and share that with God and rejoice over it. I would begin to emotionally experience it.

What if you said to yourself as your eyes open in the morning you could hear the Lord saying Zephaniah 317 I am the Lord your God. I am with you I will protect you and cover you with my love. I rejoice over you with singing.

What if God wasn't down on you, but if you really likes you.

If he has great plan for you and what if you are so significant and valuable are ready but what other people think matters but it doesn't dictate who you are. You see, you can't impart what you don't possess. And as you listen to the apostle Paul building the church what he pray chapter 1, I pray that the eyes of their heart might be enlightened that they might grasp or understand the strength of your power, the power of Christ's resurrection dwelling in them, and then chapter 3 says I bow my knee with all the family of God, that you might be strengthening your inner man. So you could comprehend beyond just intellectual aspects. What is the height and depth and length and breadth and to know when the word is by wave experience God's love for you has been deeply rooted and grounded in faith's out tell you what relationships begin with really understanding. It's all about God's way of doing it. Accepting yourself and one another. Were all bunch of desperately insecure people.

The people really do behave in ways that make sense to them, but not usually to us and that I can't give away. I just can't give away what I don't have and maybe the greatest thing I could do for every relationship is to know accept and believe in the feel that I am loved for who I am. Apart from any performance today by the eternal God of the universe.

And then, take the pressure off of trying to impress you all as much. I try to impress you and try and look or do different things. It gets reformation and just kinda say you know Lord you know if they like it a day they come hate you tomorrow. That was way with you right, you know their cheer and Monday crucifying you three days later there was something to the heart of Christ. He said he didn't trust himself were all bunch of fallen things your value and he wants and he loves you just some follow-up thoughts about his teaching today, but if you just joining us, you're listening to Living on the Edge Chip Ingram room chips message today is from a series God's wisdom for building great relationships. If you'd like to hear this message again or share it with a friend, let me encourage you to get the chip and remap access his messages, his notes, special offers, and much more will trip the principles in the series makes such a difference.

Once we got a little sink him and begin to apply them to what's happening in the day-to-day. You can't give away what you don't possess the only person I can change is me.

These are key ideas that you really help us when we want to engage in a deeper level, especially with our kids. But even when we understand it's still hard to get conversations going. Sometimes, while with me in studio again today is Jerry McCauley are head of product development, and we've actually designed a tool you get a dialogue so tell us a little bit about how to use these cards to maybe address that issue. Yeah, we put together this box of 52 cards and they're all open-ended questions that really get families moving from that point of silence into some heart sharing and hopefully into some discipling and really value sharing at heart level and something we need to say is these questions are not like directive like you get to hold the cards and you read the question in one of your kids has to answer them. Everybody gets to answer that question I think is apparent to her as a grandparent, even we need to be vulnerable and I need to do that appropriately need to ask yourself you know what's really appropriate for this age they need to see and feel and hear that we had this used to and that causes real change in the relationship Jim. I really think that to a conversation is where the power comes on this product and what I think happens, you know, sometimes our kids are diseased was asking questions and maybe giving the answer to look at this one. What are you willing to give up to grow in your relationship with God. I don't think this is when you can ask your kids first.

I think this is one where you have to model the answer first, and so for me I know that I spend too much time on social media. The very thing that I said let's put down our phones and actually start talking I leave my phone on the table or in my bag on the other side of the room. When I sit down and do these cards my kids and so for me, for me to lead out with my kids and say I'm in a give up time on my phone so I can go in my relationship with God and so I can going relationship with you. I think that's a game changer. While this is a game changer and let me encourage you as you hear us talk. Get a set of these cards are maybe a couple sets to give to some friends and start the conversation. Relationships never grow until you open your heart and open your mouth. Thanks guys will to check out the new discuss this cards just go to your website.

LivingontheEdge.org whether there for you or a friend. This 52 card set will give you some great ideas on getting the conversation going for all the details and order your sets today. Just go to your website.

LivingontheEdge.org will give us a call at 1888333600310 with a final thought. Here's chip as we close today's program. I would just bring your mind back to those prayers that I quoted by the apostle Paul, isn't it interesting these people living in such a difficult time and in a difficult place that what he prays for them is that they would be able to grasp that they would understand not just what their mind with their heart. In fact, he prays that be on their human comprehension that we would understand and grasp and feel and experience the love of God could can I just ask you to just lean back to me no matter what you doing right now, but I mean just mentally, lean back and think of how how you would think differently and relate differently if you could hear in your heart God saying, hey, today I'm with you no matter what.

Hey, I'm not down on you I love you. I'm for you what it would if you believe just even as you and I are talking right now that you know today is a part of an amazing and a great plan that God has for my life and he literally loves me and just wants me to come to have my spiritual antenna up and listen to him and take the next step that he shows me so he could give me the very very best in life.

You see when you begin to internalize how lavishly God loves you. Only then can you begin to pass it on. I can't imitate unconditional kindness and love and forgiveness.

Unless I've experienced that is so we were really talking about here is you saying to the Lord, Lord, will you help me grasp and understand how much you love me and then you know it's not just some legally feeling it's it's getting into the Scriptures. It's trusting the promise that draw near to God and he'll draw near to you. It's arranging your life where you actually experience God's love because there are some relationships that are always going to be hard and you cannot give away what you don't possess unconditional love and forgiveness for some people in your life. I call him hard relationships can only be achieved when you receive that same love, just before we close. I want to thank each of you whose making this broadcast possible through your generous giving 100% of your gifts go directly to the ministry to help Christians really live like Christians. If you follow the teaching helpful which are not yet on the team. Would you make a donation and help us continue serving you and others to donate online. Just go to LivingontheEdge.org or give us a call at 1-888-333-6003, let me thank you in advance for whatever the Lord leads you to do will be sure to join us again tomorrow is just continues our current series.

For now, this is really saying thanks for listening to this edition of moving all the