God's Wisdom for Building Great Relationships - Right Relationships are Always More Important than Being Right, Part 1

Would you like to reduce conflict in your relationships mean fewer disagreements, less fighting, more harmony will to get a share of principle that I learned many years ago that has saved countless friendships and working relationships and been pretty important in my marriage and stay with you don't want to miss. Thanks for joining us for this Monday edition of Living on the Edge with shipping Living on the Edges of international discipleship ministry the Bible teaching of nature continues his series God's Temple building relationships is already covered six of the principles of true living, working with less conflict you missed those that are available on the trip from just before we get started, let me say the chips got great application so I hope you'll stay with millet strolling for principal number seven. I have this habit and this is a habit of observing people when I go to the mall I observed people want to go to the park I observed people last night when Teresa and I were walking in the park and the gal with her cell phone was talking loud enough for everyone in the park to know you know Tresa just blocks it out and talks to me and walks on listening to this latest conversation when two people are intensely in a booth behind me and you can tell there's some real action going on.

I'm not trying to listen but my radar just kinda goes up when I'm waiting to get a table at a restaurant I don't just think about you know what can I be reading your thinking right now I scan the entire restaurant and I look at people and I wonder wonder why they're here and wonder what's going on here and then I think I'm Colombo you know or or or CSI Atlanta, you know. Let's see now I wonder, in terms of how he's dressed and what they're eating and what you know why I do this I don't know but I have this habit of just observing people and then it gets a little bit worse because I find myself not eavesdropping, but if they talk rather loud hearing what's going on and that I have this observation. After doing this for as long as I can ever remember. Even as a kid even in high school is when you find two people that are talking intensely. I don't mean casually. I mean, when you're at a little coffee shop in the tables right next to you and there's that kind of buzz that real intensity that there really talking about something, not arguing you can tell their friends and the one person is listening to the other person and that this is a I'm comforting you. I'm for you were going through life together. My observation is when ever you find almost whenever you find people talking at that level. Intensity. They're usually talking about someone else is not at the table. I mean tested out. I mean yeah one person is listening other persons talking the one is very animated and they're usually talking about how unfair.

How insensitive, how selfish, how ungrateful or how wrong someone else, somewhere has been to them and you can just interchange it was their mate. It was their exit was their son.

It was their daughter.

It was their father. It was their boss. It was an employee. It was a person who just as they came in the parking lot. It was, you know their high school reunion.

And you know you can't believe what happened after 27 years. Can you believe and and it seems that at least in American culture, and I'm guessing in human nature.

There seems to be the role of a friend and I'm not talking biblically, but the role of a friend is that person that when I get hurt or damaged or I'm struggling I'm frustrated in some relationship. This person nods approvingly as I tell them how bad and selfish and insensitive and unkind. This other person was. To me, and their role is to look into my eyes have body posture that says they really care. Nod their head and then occasionally that's terrible.

I can't believe she really did that to you after 30 some years. Are you telling me that you know what, what is your husband ever to wake up and smell the they did that to your child up that that coach did that to your Little League or and you just here conversations like this go on and on and on and whether I'm sitting at the mall mine among business white none Tresa to come back from some store that I don't want to go into or whether were walking to the park and these people walk by us or last night. This gallon the phone can't believe what she did. Are you telling me and you.

She just taken what I'm take. I don't want to know this much about this lady and she is. I mean, Teresa finally said that leis coladas and she she said who she talked to.

I said she's not talking to anybody. She's on her self and my experiences is that sometimes when I'm listening to people whine and complain about someone else who's not in the room. What really bothers me is when I find that the person I'm listening to is me and I can look back over the last 30 years or so is a Christian and being a dad and and being a pastor and being a husband that I on multiple occasions have found myself somewhat telling someone very close to me like my wife or one of my kids or a close friend about how right I am in a situation when you listen carefully to conversations. What it really is about is someone is right and someone else is wrong.

They didn't get it.

They didn't see it.

They didn't understand it, they were insensitive. I was right, I did what was right and a member early. As a dad and being a little you know over the top, which none of you can probably imagine at this, but my kids all can is things like you know you had a really rough day and there's been a lot of pressure and you say I will pick you up in front of the high school at door B at 430 and you pull up in front of the high school indoor be at 430 and they are not there, and it is 435 and 440 and it's 1/4.

Five then you got your car and you walk around and there aren't cell phones in those days and people don't call in my kids didn't have them anyway and pretty soon it's 5 o'clock and you're supposed to be someplace else and you gotta miss dinner and is meeting after dinner and you see your kidney. Comes around the corner and you know what what he say hi.

I've missed you tell me how your day went honey what you say where in the heck of you. I've been doing what no, that's not door B.

Dad said I'll tell you where door B is on the parents get a car you know that we were in door me and then we went to call to find you and you and show you were here for 30 I was here right at 434 36 is about 430 my mind anyway and you know what, we went to call you and it's all about what you are. Door B or Dorey and when it was 434 36 and there are emotions that occur in a breakdown relationship that when you step back you look at and go you know this is insanity but at the heart of it was all about being right, and what she was just with my kids. I've had classic arguments about dinner with my wife. I got had classic arguments mean heated loving exchanges about how to discipline kids about where money should go and met where money shouldn't go about we agreed on this. What part of. We agreed and said when this happens, and he does that. This is can happen rather than you crying console will we said we said discipline grounding money cell is three Tresa GRO you and are you kidding me this is the 37th hello but honey you look so said I could tell he was so hurting and we would and then you forget about what happened to the kid the next three days you know she's not talking me. I'm not talking to her and you know we figured out how to do that great thing when you go to sleep or she can stare one more and you can stare at the other wall all about who's right.

My principal for you all that I guess if I had to get it down to seven or eight of the biggest lessons I learned about relationships number seven for me is this is that right relationships are always more important than being right right relationships are always more important than being right in my little disclaimer here. I'm not talking about moral issues I'm not talking about theological issues.

I'm not talking about rolling over and giving the other person their way all the time. I'm not talking about saying you know standing up for just cause. Well, when a right relationship. I'm not talking up piece any price.

I'm talking about in the normal everyday relationships with other people that you love and that you care about and the issues aren't whether this is theologically true or not, or whether it's morally good or bad, or not, the issues are about your perspective, your circumstances, your rights, your opinion being the way versus the other person to get that that's what I'm talking this is not that well you know right relationships are more important than being right same. What about those big issues. I'm not talking about those. I'm talking about every day. How you do life at home and in your apartment with two roommates are with your kids or with your wife or when you're on the Little League field and umpire calls your kid out and it is obvious he was safe by mile and you find yourself standing out on the Little League field with a whole group of people looking at you talking to a volunteer with veins popping out of your neck talking about.

She was safe in this world.

He's five years old. What don't you ever said and you two people realizing now you go to the same very large church and you hate one another over this and a whole crowd of people thinking those are two idiotic people making fools of themselves right now, but at the heart of that is a belief system and relationships. I can be right versus the principle that right relationships are always more important than being right open. If you would to Colossians chapter 3 there's a great context.

I want to give a little running start to this one. Colossians is a great book is a parallel book to Ephesians is about how the church is supposed to live out the faith and first half of this book, like Ephesians is Dr. and this is who you are in Christ.

In chapters 3 and four now this. This is how you live out this new life.

You can use this how to be a disciple. This is how to be a genuine follower. This is how to be that Romans 12 type Christian head of the first four verses of the site. It begins with your thinking. I just told you all these things that are true in the first four verses set your mind on the things that are above, not all things are on earth, and that is as you deal radically with some of your past habits and issues as you as you look at verse five says therefore consider the members of your earthly body is dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, greed, which amounts to idolatry and that little word consider there really is put to death is in a tense and the grammar that means urgently put to death deal radically with and I wish you had time to develop all these words, but when you look at sexual morality is that word but impurity, passion, evil desire, even the word greed is not just financial. It's the idea of doing everything around your own self interest about your rights in your position and making sure that your way gets the way and what he saying is, is that's how you lived before you knew Christ in us is you gotta put to death. That stuff and I hope go on and say that you don't lie. Don't want another anymore and enough talk about this renewing that is occurred out of the new birth and this renewal of a new knowledge in this new person you are in Christ and then he gets on the solution side by verse 12 in verse 12. Then he says so then, in light of this brand-new person, who you are. In light of this new position that you have in light of this radical steps you've taken by God's grace to put to death. Those old patterns. It ruin relationship and separated you from God and bring God's wrath as a new born again person with a new mind and the spirit of God living in you. So then, here's how to do relationships. He says as those who been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving each other. Who ever has a complaint against anyone.

That's pretty broad, isn't it just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. And beyond all these things that I've listed compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patients, and bearing with one another, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity and is going to go on to talk about some specific internal devices that God has given us about how to regulate how relationships are going about the peace in our life but what I like to do is take just a moment and have you circle the first three words I think these are the key to practicing the principle that right relationships are more important than being right. So as those who been circled were chosen circle the word holy and circle the word beloved. If you miss those you can't do those commands say at the heart of that, whether it's with my wife, my kids, a fellow employee a Little League game of pickup basketball game. An issue over a parking spot at the mall an argument with someone in a business deal when I start to fight and when you start the fight and relationships break down. Usually my significance.

My acceptance or my security gets attacked and either I feel like you're dissing me or I think it's unfair. I think I'm getting a raw deal or you don't respect me or what you're doing is something that's going to really injure me and so I have to stand up for my rights and is an interesting he says. So as those who have been chosen of God, how much more significant. Could you be say we don't do relationships out of I need to be significant in someone else's eyes. We do relationships out of the sense that you know all the people that God chose me.

God chose you.

He loves you if there was if there were ball teams lined up he would say he would point you and say I want you on my team and so you are significant. That's not something we gotta get out there and prove the second notice's chosen of God and holy and what what makes us unacceptable is our imperfections, but is already told us to because of what Christ did on the cross and his blood shed for us and are being united with him by faith, we died with him. We been raised with him and our position before God as he sees us even as he sees Jesus were holy were set apart what set me well, it means you're accepted, it means it means there aren't flaws, it means that got in God's eyes at this moment you're seated with him in heavenly places. You matter your significant your holy you're accepted. Now you have to live that out and practice and is that a journey of course your position. Christ, your holy and then notice. I like this. It says, beloved or the idea is your dearly loved your accepted of quote do I want everyone to except me of course. And so you but what happens is when a roommate or a wife or business associate or someone a Little League field or someone in line or or a parking space when someone cuts in front of you all those things threaten our security. They threaten our sick you think I had the spot I saw you this is here we are, you know, I've driven and there's a long model of a mile and 1/2 and I been waiting in line for an hour and 15 minutes to go through this light, and then there's this right turn only lane and I watched you drive by mile full of people and then because I have a big truck in front of me and you're smart, you know the big trucks are slow this big truck goes and you put the nose of your car in there and everything in me wants to Florida if I had a junker, Pam, I would take you out right now and so on highways all over America. Gestures are our exchange that I don't think you're saying were number one and people are screaming and yelling at some points roll down the windows and get out guns and shoot one another over what over what, who's going to get through a light one car ahead of someone else see what's being attacked here is significance and security and that I and more important and what's being violated his personal rights and what the apostle Paul is saying is you know what right relationships really do matter more than being right.

But the only way you can live that way is if you know your chosen by God, you are holy and your dearly loved now out of what you've already received.

Now he's going to talk very specifically about how you treat people. He says put on a heart of compassion and that's that's that interesting word. Were you actually feel what other people's feel to the point of action in the weirdest block not it was used every time Jesus had compassion in the New Testament. It was a feeling depth in the bowels of the person for the needs of the other person that leads you to action. Compassion is not empathy.

Empathy as you see Sony oh man, I really feel bad for them.

Compassion is, I feel bad to the point that I'm to do something to alleviate that situation and so notice notice where he says put on a heart if you read this passage carefully. 12 through 17 the work heart is repeated three times. This isn't just about some external discipline of behavior that you work up to act compassionately. This is about something that comes out of who you are because the spirit of God is producing the sinew and so put on compassion means that you feel you think I wonder what that guy went through wonder why someone would be that upset over again with five or eight or 10-year-old kids. I wonder why you know my kids are so upset about this or why I am put on a heart of compassion, kindness is just that word for something that's beautiful and winsome you. You want to do nice things for people, unexplainable.

You just come back to the office and you bring an extra cup of coffee to give it to someone you jot a note for no reason that says thinking of you. Love you prayed for you today you you put a check in the mail to someone or some cash in an envelope for someone that struggling say you know what it's been hard once you take your wife or your roommate or whoever out to dinner. I just want to bless you is what kindnesses suggest doing kinda nice things for people to express concern.

Humility is putting the needs of others ahead of yourself, but a way that was not a virtue in ancient world when this was written. Humility wasn't look like is a good thing that this was like humility, why would he want it it was it was that idea I'm bigger and better I can knock you down. That's what job do. Here you have this teaching that actually revolutionize the world and said consider others as more important than yourself. Don't ask you.

I'm getting my rights. Ask how could I put the needs of someone else ahead of me. This this is a radical way to do relationships and in the word gentleness here is that same word in the old King James member hi I memorize us in the old King James in the Matthew 11 where were Jesus says from meek and lowly of heart that word meek is gentle and ancient Greek literature was used of a about a wild stallion.

Meek is not weak it's it's a wild stallion that is been trained with the bit in its mouth. It takes that power under control and so it's not that you don't have the power to exert your rights. It's not that you can't power up on someone and say to them, hey, hey, that's my parking spot and that's the way it is, is that you say to yourself I have the power and I have the rights and you not even have the position in the situation or in this company are in this work, you know what I'm gonna step back and I don't have to exert my rights here. I'm to put on a heart of compassion and kindness put their needs ahead of my own in this certain situation know what I'm going to do I'm going to allow my rights be under control.

I'm going to be considered staging today, but if you just joining us your list into Living on the Edge Chip Ingram chips message today is from the series God's wisdom for building great relationships.

If you'd like to hear this message again or share it with a friend, let me encourage you to get the chip and remap access his messages, his notes, special offers, and much more will chip you want to jump in here before you get your application. I just want to say thanks to every single one of you who partner with us Living on the Edge you know some of you pray some of you give and so many do both.

You may not know it but we meet as a staff Monday through Friday, and we pray we have staff all across the country and we time it where we come together we pray over you. We pray over the teaching that goes out, we pray over the projects we have so many people to call in and say this is a specific need, and we pray for specific needs. We pray over relationships.

We pray that God will use the ministry here and around the world. I have just one question. If the teaching on this program is making a difference in your life would you get on board. Would you commit to pray for us. Would you commit to give effect regardless of the amount, if you could give monthly.

It would make a world of difference. We have so much ahead of us. The needs are so great and life is short, would you go online or give us a call and become a partner with the ministry I'm not discouraged because I know God's in control, but I believe he's calling us to step up and really make a difference and we need your help to do that as you prayerfully consider your role with this ministry I will remind you that when you partner with Living on the Edge. Every gift is significant ministering together, our efforts and resources are multiplied in ways that only God can do to send the gift call us at 1-888-333-6003, or if you prefer to give online just go to Living on the Edge.orc your partnership is a great encouragement will now here's chip as we close today's program. I have to admit, this principle has been one of the hardest for me. We all have different personalities but some of us have what I call a justice gene. In other words, what's fair what's right. The facts right and when I'm right. And these are my rights. I mean, I'm the guy that if I'm in the car and you go up the right lane. You know, outside of everyone and then you want to get in and I waited in line. I'm not a happy camper. I'm I mean everything in me is like a look buddy at end instead of thinking the best possible explanation or honestly, it happens more in my marriage entries. I'll be talking about something and shall say oh yeah member in July when this happen. I'm thinking the note was subject was June, you know, and it happened at the city and think none and it wasn't what it was in the July was in that city is also reasonably well you honey what is actually in June.

It was with these people instead of those people and then I'm hoping you're laughing at this point and were now going back and forth, honey. It was July was June is June as you like it was with Bob knows with Mary and all the sudden you have these emotions. I'm sitting here thinking chip, you idiot who cares the right relationship is way more important than being right. And you know when you learn to practice that in little things I might actually are you ready for this. Some of my most holy moments have been when my wife and said something and whether I'm right or not.

I'm convinced in my mind what she's saying about a detail is absolutely wrong and instead of confronting instead of saying no, no, you're wrong.

What about this. What about that and wanting her to know that I remember better whatever my most holy moments are when I think this really doesn't matter. Keep your mouth shut. Just listen and you know what you being right or your remembrance of that situation being the official way it happened is really not very important. Now, obviously when it comes to may be a doctrine or a moral issue. I'm not saying that we just stay quiet. What if we just all of us right now, this moment today as we listen and talk with people could just catch ourselves when we have to be right and just let that go and think what would really make this relationship better, rather than what would make me look better today. What that's going to training on that one and see what God will do will just before we wrap it up.

Have you ever been listening and thought to yourself, you know chip. I wish we were visiting over a cup of coffee because I'd love to ask you and I'm sure you control the blank well your opportunity is here Friday chips going to be in studio to answer your questions about relationships through the month of February.

His teachings all about relationships with God has to say about how to build great relationships and how to build a healthy family in a modern world so every Friday were pausing to give Chip a chance to answer your questions about relationships to send your question just email it to chip@livingontheedge.org that's chip@livingontheedge.org until next time, this is Dave truly saying thanks for listening. this Edition of Living on the Edge