Q&A with Chip Ingram - Let's Talk About Relationships - Balancing Your Kids' Use of Technology

I am super excited about today's program. We ask you to send us questions and you sent a lot of them, and a lot of them are about family Patty have a healthy family. What about technology, what about influences how do you protect your kids. But how do we help them really grow up. All of that today living on the state would place for joining us for this Friday. A vision of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram Living on the Edge is an international discipleship ministry featuring the Bible teaching Egyptian studio, along with Jerry McCauley, our senior vice president dictations in product development. This almost chips teaching all about relationships is to say about why relationships work don't work and how to build a healthy Christian family because so many of the calls and emails have to do with these kinds of things are last Friday proud to have them answered specific questions so Chip, I'm excited about which are to assure today will. Thanks Dave it is great to be here. This is really been fun to get questions from you all and it's so exciting it's a little bit like when I preach or teach them people come up afterwards so keep sending these questions then and then let us know if this is really helpful.

Some back in the studio with the Jerry McCauley a really dear friend staff member for many years and he's our senior vice president of communications in product development. So Jerry welcome to our time together to ask and answer these questions and just great. See thanks Chip. We so appreciate everyone who sent in their questions and is not possible for us to get to everyone.

Let me just apologize if you don't get to hear Chip answer your specific question.

Were going to cover as many as we can get to today.

All right, Chip, our first question is about in-laws. So do you have any advice regarding dealing with in-laws and creating healthy boundaries. Yes, do that you so you know there's a lot of jokes about in-laws and things like that but it really is an issue and and some people are blessed with warm, nurturing wonderful in-laws that are super supportive and I know a lot of relationships where people are closer to the in-laws in their own parents depending on backgrounds. What's happened, but you do have to set some boundaries and and I think this goes back to God's design of marriage.

So it's really important in my mind always have this equilateral triangle where God is at the top and then at the bottom the triangle. There's the man and the woman, and I have these arrows at the very bottom going toward the man and the woman and into oneness or intimacy is this is God's goal.

This is he wants us to become one and then you and I go up to that triangle and I think of spiritually.

One, their solar emotional oneness psychological oneness physical oneness and and so then each of them have this arrow going up toward God because as we get closer to him and draw near to him were drawn closer to each other and the biggest issue with in-laws is we get pulled between two super powerful and super important relationships, both of which we love and so if I'm a woman I love my mother and my father but I've had this transfer were now the most important person in my life is my husband, but under pressure.

There's times when I I want to get the support from my mother and my father in ways that are inappropriate or in many more cases, a mother or a father once to kind of tell their daughter or their son-in-law. This is how we think you should do life and so for a daughter to say I've got a set some boundaries because my allegiances first and foremost to my husband puts her in a very difficult situation and depending on her family of origin. Her relationship with her parents how they respond. Do they get angry all the rest, it becomes very difficult. And now, let's flip-flop it in. The man has exactly the same issue is you know he has this issue with his parents, and you know you grow up with your folks and you don't want to disappoint him and you care about them and some are very supportive and and then others are meddling.

Others are trying to tell you what to do with your money. They drop in unannounced. They do things with your kids or for your kids that you been working for three weeks to stop a behavior and then they actually help your kids act in ways you don't want them to. And you have to set some boundaries to you and your mate have to have an honest conversation and you gotta get on the same page and this is I remember.

I wish you had stories to tell about someone else but my my parents. My dad was an alcoholic and he was a very fearful person.

Although you are very courageous in the Marine and very strong, and so he got to the point where he would call my house. This is in the old old days person-to-person asking for me, my wife, you know, think of you.

This is like many years ago and she would pick up the phone and the operator would say we have a person-to-person call for Chip Ingram will who's it from Ralph Ingram's dad did you can you can you even fathom the amount of rejection. My wife felt like so you called our house and you don't want to talk to me know it when we talk recently about everyone behaves in a way that makes sense to them. Actually, my dad was really intimidated by my wife because she was quiet.

My dad didn't know what to say to my wife and so in his mind he was circumventing that with no idea what he was doing, but can you imagine some conversations I had when I tried to play the middle and say we just need to understand my dad and he has issues and and and she does know you're not standing up for me. Boy did we have some marital conflict and I had to come to the point where I told my parents never call me person-to-person if you don't want to talk to me and my wife then don't call at all and it was so hard and I and I you and I said it nicely and it took me a while to get the courage to say it, but my point is you have to be on the same page. You have to set boundaries and and I would encourage you write them out as a couple. I mean it it it gets really clear you're on the same page and then it's like just water that dribbles away you have to write down. We want them to call before they come over.

This is how we want them to interact with our children. You know whatever it is, write down and make it simple and then decide how and when and where you can communicate that in the most kind and went some way possible.

Knowing are you ready, knowing no matter how kind, no matter how winsome you do it. Some of your in-laws are knocking to respond really well but you can't allow it to destroy your marriage. You are one and that's the priority and especially if you have children. Believe me, they will come around because they want to see their grandchildren.

That super helpful chip.

Thanks for sharing that personal story to have, how you you walk through that with your parents and with your wife.

Yeah Jerry I'm I'm really glad you know God says he uses all things together for good. I'm glad that my failures had suffered help to other people and all kidding aside, you know, those are, you know there's a lot a young dad's young moms listen to us. It's hard for me telling your you know, confronting your parents is, no matter how well you do it it's it's really really hard but it's something you have to do definitely well, this one's kind of on the other side of the coin here so not about in-laws but about kids and it's a cultural question so what is your advice on raising teenagers in a society filled with unfiltered access to technology and social media do we ban it we allow it to be tightly monitor it. While I think parents have a greater challenge today than ever before because of the media. I actually treats nine.

Someone sent us a DVD and it was about media and brain development in you know all this research by doctors in ADD and depression anxiety among teenagers and I mean we we are living in a crisis. When it comes to technology and I think the easiest quickest thing to do is just ban it right you know when you're 21 you get a phone and but I'm sure you can pull that one off. Although it might be healthier for their mind and their brain and their development but I do think that might be one extreme, but I think the other extreme is cowering to peer pressure. I read recently that the I think the average kids were now getting their phone at like eight and nine years old and yes there are good sites that can put some filters on them, and if you don't know what those are, you know you just got a download covenant eyes or whatever you think's going to be best others also filters that allow you you know they can only have so much access. I have a friend that uses technology that literally turns their phones often only allows so much time on the Internet and then allows them to see everything where your kids have been so yes you have to monitor it, but at the end of the day what you need to do is monitor it early and often and let them know you are and then you need to be in dialogue and discussion because you have to teach them the value of what they put into their mind.

You have to talk to them about anything they post any pictures they send is up there forever and this needs to be something that, are you ready you have to model it's pretty hard to talk to your kids about being on their phone or on the Internet are back in the bedroom.

When you pick him up from school and there's no conversation and every stoplight you're looking at your phone or when you all go out to eat. You know your kids are looking across the table and your into your phone so I think this is something where it's got to start with us. I think you have to come up with a very clear plan at this point Jerry since your kids are a lot younger and you're more tech savvy money. Let me throw this one over to you what what you say to parents that are challenged with technology to challenge for sure that's the right word for it. I think that my approach of my wife and our three daughters is that we've allowed it, but we do tightly monitor it and so one thing that it's really kind of basic ground rule for us is that I own all of their passwords so that means I can login and see what's happening in each of the apps that they use, but also means that they can't add apps without me putting a password, so it's a good failsafe for us. We also collect their devices at night so 11 PM phones have to be in our bedroom so they have to let go of them. The phone sleep with us instead of with them. That's the whole idea of constant or unrestricted access they need to have a time to take a break. Their friend shouldn't have access to them all the time you I do think the bigger part of it, though, is the modeling and you know we just developed a resource here, Living on the Edge call discuss this. Yes.

And part of the premise of it is put down your phones and start talking to each other. I think that there's this lost art in our culture and our society where we actually do the eye contact thing and we talk to another so much of our faith. So much of our discipleship. So much of the storytelling. Our lives is based on the oral history and so when I can look at my kids in the eye and tell them a story about whether it's a challenge or a win in my spiritual life or my faith walk that so much more powerful than them hearing it or learning it from someone else.

It's one-on-one.

It's my story that they can actually see and sort of feel and experience. So I think that's the biggest part for me is how do we balance is digital access versus the human interaction, especially as it relates to how we challenge our children's faith and how we help them grow and I will I will add to unit this talks about teenagers that starts way before then and the research is overwhelming. I don't know if you know this, but in the first three years of the baby's life. The brain triples in size. If the first two years.

This hasn't Bible this is the pediatric society says don't let your children see any video or devices before their two years old because of what it does those flashing images and by the way whether it's good content or bad content there little brains are being developed and what you want to do is you want to talk you want to sing.

You want to interact.

You want to play in. And of course there's gonna be some occasional times for video but if you allow video to become a babysitter. If the only time it's quiet is when everyone is either on their phones in the car there watching video in the car you are setting your kids up for brains that won't develop for creativity that won't happen in for literally things that will harm them for the rest of their life and I think one of the things about technology that is so damaging is it is it provides so much help in the moment it's it's so easy in the moment and that's not just for my kids right in.

I want to veg out. I just don't want to think about anything and I turn on the TV or it's a Netflix movie worth binging for.

We can those kind of practices don't just impact our kids all the latest neuroscience says that the adult brain is growing and developing and changing if it's being stimulated and a steady diet of movie or TVs. The frontal lobe of your brain turns off and so I think this is a big issue not just for teens, not just for families but for little ones and us older ones as well. I love the apostle Paul.

He says all things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by any there in first Corinthians.

And I think to say I'm not going to be mastered by technology my phone the TV surfing and for many of us. I just read a bar in a study recently and he was interviewing the psychiatrist in America and he said how do you know someone's addicted and they have in the psychiatric world.

They have six specific things that are behaviors or characteristics and if two of these things are true, there is an addiction at some level, and so using those six. He did a bunch of surveys across America. Multiple studies are you ready for the number one addiction in America is to media and I have to confess, boy, there's a big part of me at the end of the day that you know I just will hundred to stop. I'm a pretty intense guy and what I can tell you when I watch a little something and I'm really tired and then maybe watch a game and don't want to go to bed and you know, flipping the channels and then just watch some meaningless something. My spirit is dull. I don't sleep as well. I don't wake up is motivated and refreshed. We so and then we reap.

And so, let me just encourage you, it'll probably require something drastic and dramatic and if you're really good parent much guarantee your kids will like you for a while. I think maybe a baby step toward this because this could be a really steep cliff.

Yes, you know, for a lot of people is a media fast and it could be any version of that it could be were not going to touch our phones during mealtime that could be counted as tipping your hat toward this thing and then maybe it can get crazy and it could be.

I'm not going to touch my phone after 5 PM or something like that.

And as you start to sort of ratchet back and see what happens in your mind you know Romans 12 twos tells us that we have to renew our minds. We we had to be transformed by the renewing of our minds and you talk about that ship in true spirituality how the power of what we think about so clearly is connected to our heart and our soul, our spiritual life, the mind and how we see God is so connected to what we fill our minds with and so I think there might be the sort of I don't know low-level guilt. You talked about, don't show a video your kid when there to. I mean I have failed in that one and my kids are now in their teen years, but I think that I I know that I can take steps toward helping my own life and that in putting my phone down right dealing with the thoughts through my head, praying through them journaling through them.

Reading God's word instead of just distracting and then I can also help the people around me, whether it's my friends my coworkers my family and maybe one of these really practical ways is to take a break, take a break and see what God says to you, how he speaks to you what he saying that's great. My daughter actually has four small kids six-year-old and under and you can imagine that boy. There's times where someone put on a video or something and it was very interesting. She came over and the two little ones were here and we were talking about this topic today of all days and she goes you know we just instituted you know, no videos, no TV during the week and then we let them watch a movie on, and on Friday night rebel family time and and they were doing.

You know, just some from some small things on the weekend but she said you know I've just seen the difference in the behavior of my kids based on the amount of interaction with the no videos and media iPads and all the rest and unite.

I think it is. I think it's taking some baby steps along those lines. Teresa and I were out, you know, we just watch this documentary on all of this and so it's not like I just keep all these facts in my mind, and all this research I just happen you know 24 hours ago to to watch all that and I was convicted by then you we were talking and we had coffee really early this morning and sort of is our habit and we were just talking about so what what about us.

Once our application and I said you know honey I just have to tell you that you know when I put in a really intense day in unit you know maybe the warriors are plan and I and I watch watch a little bit too long and it get little bit too late.

I wake up, dull. When I read a half-hour before I go to bed instead of watching I just call it mindless TV and is kind of on purpose as nothing bad, but is just mindless. It really makes a difference. I really sleep better and so me just encourage you to say this prayer Lord, what's my first and next baby step to not allow technology and media to be my master I want to break the chains just show me the next step and once you go ahead and take that started today and then you know see what happens and then maybe there's a next baby step in the next baby step and I'm with the apostle Paul. I struggle a lot but I do not want anything to mastery and God spirit says he always leads us in his triumph in Christ, so this isn't just a nice idea. It's more than possible.

God can do it in us and through us. Thank you Chip that's that's good stuff all right ship this next question comes from a female listener and she says what advice would you give a wife who has a husband who is incredibly honorable and kind to her but has no personal relationship with the Lord. How can a man be a godly leader.

If the only time he spends with God as a church, what should a wife pray or say to help her husband see that he has to love God first and foremost, and more than his wife. While that is a that's a question that I think a lot of women would love to hear a great answer to it and first I would say what a blessing to be thankful for. To have a husband who's described as incredibly honorable and kind to her. I think it's always easy to look at what you don't have in your mate and I think the first place to start is really communicate to your husband how grateful you are verbalized to your husband express in ways that are meaningful to him how much you appreciate what he does bring in and I will say to in this case it doesn't have a personal relationship. Sounds like a fellow whose moral I go to church and he may think that's all there is to it and not go to church a tiger up and you're a godly person. You're in the Scriptures you want your kids to have a godly dad is can interact and lead in prayer and lead in the word. What I will say is one he may not even see that or to and this is hard for many women to hear, but I really need to say this because I mean I studied the Bible every day. But I'll never forget when I got married and and in in my case it's a long story but I had two children so became a father immediately, I realized I'm supposed to lead this family and I don't have a clue and I'm so afraid to mess up and you women I just need to say this in a nice way. You just seem way more spiritual than us. I mean, you did. You really do and so learning to lead my family was.

It was a challenge for me.

I remember finding it was an old, old book by Larry Christian's and and long before you could just search everything on the Internet but was called the Christian family and was like okay I'm a father, I want to have a Christian family, and it literally was so basic about how to have a the cult of the family altar and and you how to lead your wife and how to, you know, spiritually, you know, pray, and not be pushy or preachy but I'll say I do want you to understand how difficult it is for a man to do that in in the question it says what should I say or do and I think first Peter chapter 3 is a really vivid answer and let me just tell you that nagging making him feel inferior. Why don't you do this, putting books out on the table before he leaves up putting CDs in his car about what a real man is telling him he really needs to be meet with Bob or Joe who goes to church that leads the men's ministry is can I just tell you ladies and anyone who's going down that route is is like you mice will just telling don't ever do this because that turns us off. That puts pressure in the wrong way.

First Peter three talks about a wife who wins her husband's heart without a word and a wife who I watch my wife do this, who prays and fasts, and since God no matter what I say I can change his heart, but you can you can speak to him, and so on him.

I'm literally I'm going to buy my life by my encouragement by my love by my modeling.

I'm going to love them in such a way that makes the Christian life.

Super attractive and then I'm going to go above his will, all the way up to you and him to talk to you and ask you to come down into his head into his heart and draw him to yourself and then I think it's a it's a matter of waiting being encourage I think there's some ways that you can ask for help and here's my other sort of life experience. Often you really want him to lead. But the moment he does. Are you ready he won't do it the way you think he ought to, and the moment he doesn't do it the way you think he ought to you either be tempted or you grab the leadership back. In fact, the reason some men and and ladies get a please don't get mad at me. The reason some men aren't leading is there is no room. You do it all and you I know I hear you will will will he's not doing it well. Are you willing to let a couple balls drop you note let some things fall through the cracks allow there to be a little chaos because you know what that's his role and if he doesn't do it there's some consequences that he might catch it that way on that note, my wife has a very interesting practice that we've never discussed but whenever I leave anything anywhere she never picks it up is big, hot here like I will usually pick up my stuff because it's my personality and but like a five I'll leave something somewhere and I'll come back later and it's there and in my shoes were left out there on the hearth or I leave something over there now don't get me wrong if companies coming or something, but I think she's just been wise to know you know something. If I start picking up after you all the time working to develop a relationship where I'm taking care of things that you want to be taken care of and I honestly resented it a little bit and I kinda like it now because what she's really saying is something you're the man of this house you need to model for me and the rest the family what you going to do what your stuff is. I think this is a hard one but I think a can you leave some room for him be. Can you pray see can you make the Christian life attractive and then D since you can't control all of that. Can you find your hope in the Lord and what he's going to give you and believe that he's going to provide through you and others for your kids so that this resentment doesn't build up, and he becomes the enemy and the bad person in the house when a man feels like you were quote in his mind.

Religion is pitted against him. It really builds a wall that's very hard to break down great response chip that was incredibly comprehensive.

You have like a five-point sermon for us there.

Well thank you very much Jerry high will that in my next series called women in paying her something. But yeah I you know what it is hard and it gets really challenging and I well I just I see women come to church alone and you know I will say to all those women that are dating someone, or all those one women that are looking for that right guy is just because they say their Christian all I love God, you know I don't go to church very much I love God, and let me tell you after you get married. He's ill of the NFL. If you, as now, so then if he's not engaged in worship.

If he's not in the Scriptures. If he's not a godly man making progress.

He will tell you whatever you need to hear and go to church for six months or nine months and go through premarital counseling and do what ever he needs to do or say until he gets you because it's in love with you. But let me just give a little warning you want to find a man whose modeling the kind of life in the kind of leadership you want and that's a word for those not married all right chip this next question is about raising kids and specifically this question says you're raising three boys. Our oldest son treats our middle son with disdain. How can we best close the divide between them and nurture a loving relationship. While this is one of those where not knowing the parents not knowing the boys not knowing how old they are. Not knowing the dynamics of the family want to be very careful, but I think there are some principles I remember my wife. We have twins and then our next was six years younger Ryan and then Annie was six years younger and so one of my twins was way bigger than the other twins are fraternal twins and he would beat up his skinnier brother and then his skin your brother was so much bigger than Ryan six years younger. He would tease him to death. And actually, you know, pin him down and wrestle him. I only share that to say part of sibling rivalry is common. Normal is it good know but doesn't mean you have the worst kids in the world and they're going to, you know, end up terrible kids know it doesn't affect Teresa at one point she grew up with two sisters. She just said you know they were really going at it and that got pretty physical. She was they can be like this forever. I mean, will they ever like each other as it yet honey unite I grub like this and now we have to discipline it, but this is not the end of the world and actually those two twins now are the best of friends and so here's what I'd say. Ask yourself first and foremost you're the parent you see this dynamic of the older son middle child. By and large older children firstborn children.

They get the hardest of their parents when your first kid comes, you don't know what you're doing you really want to do a great job and you put a lot of pressure on him. The standards are really high.

We really expect a lot middle. Kids tend to get lost and then you gotta ask yourself as parents. Is there anything were doing unconsciously that creates this. For example, Jan, the firstborn, and expectations are really high, but you know, look how you treat this middle one. You know them, especially if one of them is has a issue or a problem or is and is so sure is and is athletic and you feel like you really need to, you know, prop them up and help them in special ways. It might be a jealousy that comes from how the parents are treating the kids, not just one with the other.

So I always ask you know what part of this problem is mine, then the second one is you gotta set some really clear boundaries and you say to this older one. Look, here's the deal you can't talk your brother like that you can't hit him in.

Here's where it goes.

And depending on their age, you, we would discipline in different ways and when they got old enough I had them write a contract out and so that I literally did this so look I said when my sons and I won't mention his name on the air because even though they're grown they may not like this. I said this issue of you beating up your brother is really not going well and were not can have any more this and I've tried everything you know I have disciplined you grounded you. I've obviously on bad days yell at you, so I want you to write out the next time that you get physical with your brother or you say derogatory things and tease him what what consequence would really help you not do that anymore and literally.

We sat down and I had him write it down and he was well if I was grounded for three days. That would be terrible. I said okay write that out. So if I do this that will be granted okay and then we went through like just the top three behaviors and with the middle son you when you do this when you talk your older brother. This way you insight him and you get them know what would help you write that down and then I had I signed it didn't know I had my kid sign it and we had a contract about their behavior and then when it happened amuck in a yellow like this. It was I brought up the contract stop you grounded for three days. No know he said this in, and then note what I can have. I love you.

Your mom loves you were all in this together.

You wrote that out there is the consequence and when they had to come up with it and then they had to own it and by the way, then you don't change it and go out two days is okay if they said three days is three days old.

But the promise coming up well better to miss her prom.

I can hear you moms going you didn't really make a miss the prom. Did you yes I did because I I thought you know what missing the prom won't be as important as him understanding while he still lives in my house that there's consequences to behavior.

One of my other sons was on the starting team and we had a contract in it was what he decided we the consequence for a few games. He lost his bottom starting team because he could make practice. All I'm saying is were not trying to help our kids become little happy, peaceful little nests we want help them become responsible who treat people the right way and our role as parents is to define clearly what that means do it under control without yelling and screaming and then provide consequences that help that behavior and then here's the hard part.

You have to be consistent, so I know that's a lot but if you have a lot of sibling rivalry as old Barney Fife used to say on that mold growth may very sorry the sum of you remember that you get a nip out of it is a program is still great advice overtaking this time guys talk about relationships. So many of the questions we are about raising kids in conflict, getting them to engage in a meaningful way. Not only like parents child but also with one another to building unity in the family can be a pretty tall order. Will Dave I would have to tell you I don't know a parent that hasn't lived there right but here's what I know for sure when my kids didn't get along.

If they didn't talk if they were silent and there was that weird stuff around the table.

What I understood was that was never gonna work in my home and so the key was having a conversation that everyone could enter into and today got Jerry McCauley here in the studio with me. He's our head of product development, and we've actually developed the tool bit. I think I wish I had.

I have twin boys it whenever Sunday fought a lot and now her best friends.

But what what is this tool and how can this help pull people out of those kind of situations you got a box of 52 cards and there really these open-ended questions that are intentionally nonconfrontational. I think sometimes in the middle of the conflict with my kids about three teenagers at home, there can be moments where there is butting heads and I to I need a little window of what about you what you want what you care about when I can put things more internally focused on them. I just question what three things are most important to you and if there's a moment of reflection where they can start to unpack what they really care about it just shifts the game a little bit it of comparing off of the conflict between a sibling or look at this one. What three words would you choose to describe yourself and why and who knows what you're going to get you might get sassy and silly and serious are all S words.

I got five esses of true spirituality there but who knows what you get when you ask the questions.

I do think that for parents to stop and seek to understand where their kids are at where they're coming from. What they care about and also to share personally from your own heart. As a parent or grandparent. This is what I'm about right is what I care about. Maybe one thing you care about is the unity of your family unity of our family reflects the goodness of God in our lives. I really care about that.

Let's get some unity you know then maybe you could even follow up with this one.

Say one kind thing about each person around you right now, forcing it outside of an internal perspective and internal focus to have to be kind to have to be toward unity and you might have to think that the last question absolutely my boys that you know what happens when you get around the table and you get a discussion going and there can be some reflection and some empathy and then you do have to say one kind thing. It is like watching ice melt in the room and these 52 cards and this discuss this tool.

We have just found that it is a door opener for relationships and families. This whole series is about developing deep great relationships and what we found is if you don't have a tool. A lot of times you want to do it. You try to do it, but it rarely works very well. We would love to help you be successful in building great relationships around a meal or two every week to check out the new discuss this cards just go to your website. LivingontheEdge.org were there for you or to send to someone who's got kids at home. Discuss. This is a great way to get the conversation started.

Thanks for being with us for the special Q&A program.

We'd love to hear your comments about whether or not it was helpful for you to do that.

Just email chip@livingontheedge.org. This wraps up our mom phone relationships and for Friday's of specific Q&A with Chip. If you missed any of it.

It's all available on the chip and remap will be with us again on Monday.

She begins a new series finding God when you need them most. Tell them this is Dave Drewry saying thanks for listening. This addition of living on the