Relationships Under Pressure - Why We all Struggle with Anger, Part 2

In our last broadcast learn vital truth. Anger is a secondary emotion. What I mean by that is your problem is not anger is like an iceberg.

Anger is the tip that reveals something deeper inside.

Many people spend their whole life trying to overcome their anger never works because is not the real issue. If you want to learn what the real issue is stay with welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram Living on the Edges of international discipleship for the street featuring the Bible to the venture continues a series of relationships under pressure just before we get started, let me encourage you to try using ships message screen notes contain chips outlined in Scripture references much more will help you remember what you maybe even share what you're learning there. A quick download when you go to LivingontheEdge.org and click listen now or tap to fill in the notes on the now with part two of his message why we all struggle with anger appears to okay anger secondary motion. Got it.

It's an iceberg appear underneath. You have unmet needs hurt. There's two more. The second the second reason that we both anger is frustration.

Frustration is real or perceived unmet expectations. The distance between what you expect to happen and what really happens. If it's a little we call it frustration if you expect this to happen and this is your experience. That's anger. If you expect this to happen and this happens you are super ticked off a lot of your anger is built into expectations and by the way this comes as a surprise. People actually cannot read your mind. You have everything you have expectations there in your head that people don't know that there there you were raised in a certain way and your expectation is think should be clean like this you have expectations what people should do what they shouldn't do what they should say what they should never say how they should drive how that you treat people and they ought insured and always should never do certain things when people violate those you get mad and often you don't know even why you're mad. Proverbs 1429 says a patient man has great understanding but a quick-tempered man displays folly.

Anger is inseparably linked her expectations. I can remember the time I was in the Philippines we were doing ministry was a basketball ministry were there for three weeks and we were out in the boonies, and I mean like the most wonderful thing about every three days you would go into a little room with the had it in the ice cold water and you got the port over your head with a bar of soap and you would get a bowl of rice. We played three games a day and it was our. It was our winter so it was their summer and so is like 98° 101% humidity, and it was you lose about 1012 pounds a day and sweat and so then we we got back to Manila and were ready to head home and I had a coup. They have lots of coups in the Philippines and they shut down all the airlines.

No one can leave the country as if know that you understand I have a wife and three children and they said well maybe in three months will open this up as an for use really don't understand. I have to get back I mean were praying and praying and praying and praying and praying in the present, or someone says okay relate some of the people out of the country.

We get on a crowded plane for 17 hours. No food, no bowl of rice on the happiest person you've ever seen in your life.

I love this. This is great.

Can I help you serve the water that's warm to other passengers. I just want to help stewardess.

This is awesome I love it okay picture number one picture number two with my family and we were trying to save money and so to save money.

We had one of those very nonstop flights and so we got on and it was on time and had three rather smaller kids at the time and they gave us peanuts and 7-Up and then we waited for an hour and 1/2 peanuts and pretzels on the next trip and we had just peanuts.

We had pretzels and water and it was about a seven hour trip.

It was exactly on time is exactly what they promised and I was so ticked off at the end of that day. Why I got something to eat. I had a clean seat. It took about four or five hours total instead of 16 when I was in the Philippines. My expectations were.

If I can just get out of here to be awesome happy camper. When I'm in America I want. They said a light snack.

How is peanuts and 7-Up a light snack. Gimme a break like a little dinky sandwich or something, but I got three kids where there is vomiting all over the back seat.

They're going praying their fight with one another, pretzels, peanuts, pretzels peanuts, give me a break right expectations.

Notice the biblical example here we have a name and but name and became furious. Second Kings five 1112 member him.

He wanted to be healed and the civil go to the prophet in Israel man got God doing great, miraculous things are him so he comes to the prophet. The prophet tells him to go wash in the river and Naaman's furious and went away and said indeed I said to myself he will surely come out. These are his expectations. Speaking of illogic.

He will surely come out stand and call on the name of the Lord is God and waved his hand over this place and heal the leprosy and then he names a couple of his rivers in his hometown and he said, aren't those waters better than any in Israel, could I not wash and then be clean. So we turned away in a rage is an interesting became the prophet he has expectations. If he does this is a futile spiritual words, but instead the prophet to say what I want to get on this river dip 7×6 won't work and you be healed, how many times have you told God the way he has to work in your life.

How many times have your expectations for other people about how they have to respond when they have to respond how many times is life.

Not fair.

The guy was in charge. Naaman noted this way. So much of our anger is this distance between what we experience, and these unconscious expectations that we have let me give you a tool. This is how to communicate your frustration. It's the I desire versus I demand expectations, and here's what happens is when you can change what your expectations are to become a demand. They basically become ought it should. It always it never when you hear yourself saying those words. You those are demands ought should always, never are demand statements by the way some of you make those on yourself not to be perfect.

I ought to keep the house clean all the time. I should never blow to work. I should always have every project done on time.

Always.

And so some of you met yourselves you know what I got news for you. There's only one Jesus and you and it you not to be perfect right and so you have this anger what would happen. Here's the difference.

Here's the tool you start and I actually have to write these down at the right every thing down will slow. I desire to have a fulfilling and deep marriage even in a fallen world. I desire and longing to have a deep wonderful relationship with my grown kids even though now with their own kids and lifestyles they don't respond as quickly as I would like. I wish I desire.

I long for Lord, I hope you see the difference. So when you when you have a desire that doesn't come through. You have disappointment and everyone has disappointment when you make a demand and it doesn't come through. You have anger and so many of your anger issues and my anger issues are rooted in an unconscious expectations that you don't even know they're there. Number three in security, real or perceived attack on my worth. Often anger is merely an evidence of insecurity in my life. The tip of the iceberg is anger. It's the red light flashing on the dashboard of my soul. Option number one.

It may be hurt.

The tool is. I feel messages. Option number two. It might be unmet needs. As a result of unrealistic, perceived or real expectations. The tool is. I desire versus I demand the third possibility is basically insecurities or real or perceived personal attack on my worth. Proverbs 15 one. A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger what is a harsh word do what does criticism do what to someone calling you a name to what the someone cutting in front of you in making a gesture, do what the someone attacking you do that harsh word stirs up anger. Why, because your personhood has been attacked. Your value has been attacked at sometimes your safety is been attacked and anger is probably very wise and good response. Proverbs 18, 19, says an offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city and disputes are like the barred gates of The Citadel. Why an offended brother when you attack or when you are attacked. When your personhood when your security is attacked today what the bars go up again. Let me read a quick overview of this that I think puts it more succinctly than I can. When we feel threatened. We tend the color red alert. Unfortunately, we usually do it automatically without properly assessing the risk we do it over small insignificant things as well as big overwhelming issues whether the impending intruder is a mouse or monster we gear up for action with almost the same intensity we get fuming mad when a stranger flips us off on the highway when our spouse has been unfaithful when a store clerk makes a rude comment when the boss takes credit for all the work that we did when is a long line at the bank and we discover our teenager stole some money we need to stop and assess the situation before we blast in with heavy artillery, I came to a little window and I've shared this before and I shared it when we started, is that I believe everybody is desperately insecure.

If you study Genesis chapter 3 you'll find that when sin entered the world a new pattern occurred. God calls out Adam where are you Adams responses. I heard you coming therefore I was afraid why sin had entered. He now sees he's an adequate he's self-conscious for the first time that in adequacy produces fear rooted in shame. Therefore, I hid in adequacy or insecurity creates a fear of others seeing me as I am. And so I hide Paul Turney wrote a little booklet at a fabulous impact on my life, called the strong the weeks with psychologist translated from French to English and he interviewed all these people in his practice and basically realized that there only everyone's desperately insecure.

Some people have strong reactions the power up the yell. They screen the tell you when people report to them how much money they make. Where they live. Whether ZIP Code is what they drive and they do that to keep a distance and it works. Other people feel desperately insecure and the use week reactions. They look at the floor there shy they withdrawal they tell you all the problems they are like a victim, and after you hear the sad story.

The seventh time you come to see them in church and say I think I'll use the other hallway both both keep people at a distance when I discovered you know what Ingram you can be insecure. The rest of your life. Your only security is in Christ. It removes the threat why should I care if someone I don't know flips me off and highway my angry response when I might security is threatened tells me a lot more about the level of insecurity.

I have than the stupidity of the driver that just did that when someone says a harsh word in my immediate reaction hey would you say why am I bolting to anger is because I feel exposed when they criticize my project. Why do I get so defensive well because it's really attack on media get it. Notice in Scripture.

Here I would gotta a couple good examples of both Saul and the Jewish leaders you know the story right. David has now killed Goliath and Saul has put them over the Army and we can pick up the story so David went wherever Saul sent him and he behaved wisely and Saul said about men of war was accepted in the sight of all the people and also Saul servants and it happened that as they were coming home that was David was returning and theirs began to sing the song a note Saul as Linus thousands and David is 10,000. And Saul hears this and instead of saying while I must be a great delegator. I'm really looking to build a legacy I'm empowering other people in the goal. It's God's Israel. We are making real progress. He's threatened, he thinks oh I'm the king and it says, then Saul was very angry and the saying, displeased him. They have ascribed to David 10,000, and to me a thousand.

Now, what more can he have, but the kingdom there's a very insecure man at the success of other people. The same thing happens in the religious leaders you pick up the story. Through the hands of the apostles signs and wonders are being done there done with one accord in Solomon's porch. Yet none of the rest dared join them, but the people esteemed them highly and the believers were increasing and added the Lord added to the multitudes of men and women, so they brought the sick into the streets and laid them on beds and couches and even in the least of Peter shadow passing by might fall on some of them as of the multitudes gathered from the surrounding cities of Jerusalem and they brought the sick and those were tormented by unclean spirits and they were all healed God's doing this miraculous thing as he burst the church and hears religious leaders and they saw what they did to Jesus. They have all the Scripture and instead of saying wow I guess we were wrong.

He must be the Messiah. I mean this is pretty heavy duty stuff. Everyone's healed demons or find out what's their response. The high priest rose up, and all those that were with him, which is the sect of the Sadducees and they were filled with indignation and they laid their hands on the apostles put them in the common prison and I just want to suggest to you that when your reaction is very strong, very defensive when you respond to criticism in a way that and you may stuff it strongly. You may spew it or you may find yourself leaking it out. What if what if you said wait a second, does this person's opinion really matter that much am I going to give this person's view of me and an overriding power to determine who I am instead of who God says I am so much of our anger is not just hurt and not just frustration but were basically insecure people and when our security or self-worth gets attacked. We bolt to anger because level tell you it's threatening his the tool here is the other, ask yourself question why my feeling threatened and here's a little questions, you know, I know it's a process. But you ask yourself what is being attacked who is attacking me is the threatened menial or meaningful and whose approval. Am I seeking any need to start asking that in your life. You know that's a fellow employee he's been here two months. He's rude. He's got a big ego. He criticize me. I want to punch his lights out. That was my initial reaction, but he's really big suck.

I think not go there and would not be very good testimony, but you have these thoughts, you know, and and and just realized this is silly. I don't need that person's approval. I got criticized she criticize me in the car you know what we've been married 27 years.

I think I can find where were supposed to go. I got a GPS I can see where the little spaces are.

I don't have it whenever they're over there why get so angry you I can find empty parking spots here some duct tape.

No, ask yourself guys. What is it about that that makes you so angry has nothing to do with parking spots. It's my ego is being threatened at somehow I'm being made to feel by that comment that I'm not smart enough to figure it out right now there's two applications here ladies and the other application is guys you want. Thanks and get little help right seat when you can begin to understand that defensiveness that bolt anger. How many of you have had arguments like that on the great morning with the Lord on your way to church and over a parking lot. I mean the spirit of God leaves the room right. In summary, the first step in overcoming the destructive power of anger and right.

This word is the courage to look below the surface.

I had the aha moment of my life and it changed my life when I realized sitting for 10 minutes in the car.

The problem is not anger. I'm hurt. Since then I've learned you know it's not hurt. I'm frustrated. I had expectations of when this would be done or what people would do or what I expected of myself and you know something I'm not hitting those sometimes I just need to accept that confessed my sin plan better, and other times it's you know it's a fallen world, everyone gave their best shot.

This is just where were at. And finally, I just have to accept a lot of the anger I have is people attacked my personhood and I either can respond in defensiveness and anger and in like manner or him to ask a few questions like who is being attacked what they really attacking. Is this really worth dealing with and do they really have the power to define who I am. Anger is the light on the dashboard anchors our way of protecting ourselves from painful hard to deal with hurts frustrations and insecurities. Anger has many faces, and despite its power for good. It will destroy unless we and this is what we look at next time we call it a B see these you know I want to give you a very clean process to look under the hood. It will be acknowledge her anger backtracked to the first emotion, consider the root cause and then determine how to rightly listening to the edge with shipping to be back with a final thought about this message and just why we all struggle with anger is one of five messages in chip series relationships under pressure.

Keeping it together when the world's falling apart. If the pain of relationships.

The jump start working is getting the better of you. Your to find practical biblical answers in the series. If you're ready to get on the solution side of relationship problems relationships under pressure has the wisdom you need to take a closer look, or to order the set of messages just tap special offers on the app or visit us online at http://livingontheedge.org will trip the last several weeks have been pretty crazy around here is we scrambled to adjust to people being home and isolated we changed our broadcast schedule. We created a new online video course on relationships. We work very hard to figure out how best to help people through this unusual, difficult season. It's been a challenge, but we've seen amazing things happen every yeah Dave. We did something called loaded home where I did a daily discipleship. We created something that allowed people to get closer relationally during mealtime and have conversations that really matter. We created a brand-new series about relationships that were in right now knowing that there fractured in their hurting, but it does cost money, and so I would just like to ask those people who have benefited. Would you be willing to prayerfully support us right now.

It's a very, very important time. Would you give financially.

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As we close today's program I want to do a quick review and then let's leave with one very specific application number one. Anger is a secondary emotion. It is not the issue. Second, there are three primary reasons why we get angry.

First is hurt. Second is frustration, and third is insecurity now. I gave very specific tools to help you, look under the surface, with each one of those.

Here's all I want you to do today. Any time you get angry. I mean, down to the little frustrations driving home from work. A red light.

Too much noise when the kid screams I don't you know someone tell something else not true any time you begin to feel angry feelings when she asked the question why am I angry. Did someone hurt me, well maybe or maybe not. Is it a blocked goal. So is it frustration or was it personal attack insecurity. Just get your arms around one of those three things and let's take some baby steps together about acknowledging that we are angry, get to the root cause and God will begin to help you deal with anger in a very powerful way will just before we close our mission, Living on the Edge is to help Christians live like Christians.

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