Keeping Love Alive - Volume 3 - Challenge #3 - Children, Part 2

Today I want to share with you. Eight specific ways that will build deep bonds with you and your child mean the kind of relationships that will last for a lifetime. Then I'm going to share what you do as a parent you really statement.

Thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge with children Living on the Edge of the international discipleship history start helping Christians live like Christian in the middle of chips third and newest fall is ongoing series level line just to continue unpacking what effect it looks like share practical ways to strong as a quick reminder if you miss a portion of this program.

Let me encourage you to catch up shipping remap is a great way to listen to Living on the Edge anytime was chip begins the second half of his talk he really emphasizes the role parents have in a child's life started my job. Your job is to help our kids become like Jesus but become like Jesus as their fulfilling what only they can fulfill. There's no DNA like your children anywhere in the world.

He's made them uniquely and your family is unique and you live in a unique part of the country in a unique kind of history and is not about protecting our kids from this and that it's equipping our kids you want your kids were taken protecting the world on some about my energy drives are flying to alcohol or what I do this or I get someone pregnant or what about this and this is what were doing work or taking the message of God and love of God is a family work on missions trip balloon orphanage to make a difference. Kids. Kids self-esteem isn't because they get a little trophy and everyone tells them the wonderful self-esteem was you and you get confidence in you build resistance and you go through things.

How did you learn it, but what they need is tenderness and then arm around him.

Those three words encouraging manger as a father you the number one cheerleader comforting is speaking a bit stronger because I didn't quite get it in the word urging is very strong like young man that behavior happens again you really don't know what that's gonna look like you may be grounded for life but but it's it's this progression of this tenderness and directness. The principle of relationship. Notice it says the parents lifestyles and what I mean is, the values and the beliefs that you hold. Not that you say or that you send them places. What we hear if we could redo church. Mrs. Chip Ingram personal opinion even all our years our kids sat with us in church. They went to the youth group today. Sat with us. I wanted my kids to see me and my wife worship. I wanted my kids from about third grade on.

It was like you all are they little bit more.

Get over it, but they pick up a lot and then have something to talk about and is located with what's like you know that lady over there. She's got her hands raised, and you know how come mom was and I saw tears and what what's what's what's with these little wafers that you know passing around in everyone's getting real serious about in a very big swimming full.

I mean, how come it's so small right. Instead, what we did. We segregated the family and we stuck them in the youth group for a children's ministry MMA they get to be like ready to head off to trade school or college or something and they've never felt a part of something and it really became a social group. The top the Bible. Some did some good things and so but that the social part was the major so they go away. Do they jump into a church to jump into a ministry 69% of them five years after they leave high school from evangelical teaching churches abandon the faith and about you, but it's someone to say what were doing doesn't work. Success is not as my kids go to youth group or are they just going to Christian church or school what you need understand is the moral responsibility for your child's spiritual development is yours to help the church can help if there's a school or some other what great but you're the teacher and whether they get it or don't get it is not the church's responsibility of the pastor's responsibility or the youth group with a children's minister. All those people are just little helpers, you realize how many cultures have come and gone.

How many people groups in the thousands of years of history that no one is ever heard of and if you ever wondered why some guy named Abraham started a little family clan and they are still intact today. You know what Jews own the education of their young. They don't outsource Orthodox Jews.

We teach our kids the father what right. Deuteronomy 6 direction my bar mitzvah.

This is when you become a man. These your responsibilities.

You can agree to disagree but those cultures that owned the education of their kids how do you transfer the values that you have that you actually live out into your child and here's the axiom the stronger your relationship by Niemi heart connection with your kids. The greater the possibility that your values and your faith get transferred over. This relationship bridged your children. By contrast, the weaker your relationship your heart connection with your kids.

The lower the possibility that they will embrace your faith in your values. Third axiom would be tension tests and difficulties are normal for your kids to grow and develop their they've got to test the limits they've gotta say, you know, I don't know if I buy into all this and all that but here's the here's the deal you can have some troubled waters those parents that have built relationships that bond when there's the difficulty and the pain and the challenges it's that bond can carry the weight of the difficulty.

One of my sons was a very rebellious young man in my prayer for him was God.

We you please not let him just in his whole life in the ditch and we had about four and half years where I mean his his words to me were Dan you know I kind of like he was a guy I just don't like that your Christian I want to do what I want whenever I want go wherever I want, and wherever I want a civilly long as you live in this house that's not happening to.

Here's here's the two guard rail son you all you can never get me to stop loving you and you can never have your own selfish way, but it was it was hell on earth in our home at times and he's really smart and he knew how to push all of our buttons so when when people would have like wrestling practice and will go late and he wouldn't be there for dinner is like with such a felt so guilty because it is so much better to suck some nice not happy and he and I you know. Looking back now both of us would say I was way too hard on him. I didn't understand.

He's an artist I'm not. I'm driven clear type A he's melancholy, artistic, musical. I remember him sitting in front of her house and it got to where it was.

It was killing the rest of her family and I remember tears streaming down sitting right in the car and I said son I've tried to help you as much as I can and you know if you're ready to make all your own decisions and think he was a senior in high school were near the end and I just said this, this can't continue.

You got 48 hours and he's a tough kid on the oh my gosh. I watched him in a wrestling match.

One guy had a broken hand. He just typed it went ahead and one is decision that attitude for good is really good, but when it's in your face is really bad. I struggled with the I said you got 48 hours. You can either you have to believe in God you don't have to have my values, but you're not gonna rock our home unit come here have a good attitude and you treat your mom with respecting your brothers and you get 40 hours to pray about it. You need to move out were done and I me know. Fearful of what the implications would be and is like. I'm sure we remember different but all I can members elect went to his bedroom for today's and he told me later. This is the point of this. He told me later he said dad.

I knew I was rebelling and I knew you know you and I had our issues, so you know I like get match you and you and I and honestly he's he's very astute. I want to see how far I could really push he found out and then and then he said he said you know I went back to do. I really believe in God or not, or any set I went back all the way. This two days and I just ask God. All I know is you yell and tears were flowing down your face in the car and he said all I could think of was you know you you the same at home was church and this is so real to you and mom. I asked God, would you make it that real to me and something happened back in the paper and he walked out because it was so manipulative. He said I'm good I'm ready to and I thought sure from him is just like I mean I was just I was just gonna wait for you know the next round of Jack and me around and it was that the word is in the Bible word would be, he repented he had a change of mind the lead to a change of action mean my prayer was oh God, do whatever you need to do in this velvet vice of discipline be as gentle as you can, but do what ever you need to do to preserve him and he did and and when I look at that bridge. I think there were even during that time we would go out to breakfast he roll his eyes at 600 and the spent time together forward and hang out. Coming.

You have to love me, you have to even like it but I love you and I didn't feel that inside you not come back is reasonable how to go nothing? But love his emotions, its behavior, and so it's and so what what you do is you do what's right when you feel like it and you do what's right, especially when you don't feel like you've been brought up in a world that is just so's everything's been put into psychological terms and instead of biblical and spiritual terms. And I mean I get degrees and the stuff so I understand the value of unit psychology and learning stuff and all the gas but I here's what I'm going to kiss it kind laughs us and you have to listen to your behavior, not just to words.

You know what you believe whatever you genuinely believe it's how you live. It's what you say, it's what you actually do and and we have lived in a psychological world that is all about emotion and experience in and you know what that's that there's valid parts and never the day I realize Jesus emotionally did not want to die for me and he didn't want to die for you.

Everything about that.

You know, when we say Jesus loves me this I know we get this warm, illegally filling or moving to a feeling it was understood that there would be distant break between him and God the father. They understood what was going to happen physically and can be humiliated and he said if there's a plan B. This is my translation. If there's any way around going to the cross. Nevertheless, not my will but yours be done.

He emotionally did not want to go to the cross, he chose to go to the cross when it felt excruciating and rejection by people and by the father and in that moment in window of time, your sin and my sin when he says it was finished. Your sin and my sin and the just wrath of God on all sin was poured on him and he became a sin offering everything that you deserve in every human being ever deserved it went on him and he absorbed it and saw when I think about love and I think our greatest acts of love are when I don't want to do it. I don't feel like doing it, and I choose to do it because love is fundamentally volitional. I like it when emotions are there but love is choosing to do what needs to be done and giving another person what they need the most when they don't deserve it at great personal cost. Here's eight ways to build these bonds unconditional love. Even my older boys are in their 40s now but still in conversations course my daughter. She's I love you dad need to verbalize that need to love them when they do good loving the do bad schedule time they have to be in your schedule its regular having dinner together having specific times calendar them and they matter, focused attention of Cornell University did a study on Father's Day put microphones on a minute after they got used to it. They found that the average father had 37 seconds of meaningful conversation with her children 37 seconds I mean other than you know. Do this or get fatter. You know, help your mom with this or set the table 37 seconds of eye contact connection you matter how are we doing the TVs not on its focus not doing something else I contact looking your kids in the eye. All the research it matters something about when our eyes connect with our kids consistent communication bedtime dinner table, shared experiences, meaningful touching a dad's. This is on. I talk more to death because I'm a dad I get it. Okay especially when your daughters are just hitting puberty men any meaningful nonsexual touching dad and and by the way when they start developing. It gets a little awkward or can feel that way and that's when they need it the most. Because if they don't feel secure and learned there's a a powerful, loving male figure that's nonsexual they will go out and look for love in all the places that you do not want to see happen. Girls learn to be feminine but how their dads treat them how their dads talk to them and it's really important when your kids are small wrestle with them, hug them, wrestle with them when we were, I would be hugging mom and Annie would come between us is because I want to do a sandwich and she wanted to be between us right.

Have fun together. It's really amino you hear me all this intensity and seriousness your house needs to be where the fun is.

Have fun and play together do games together Monday through Friday or Monday through Thursday or Sunday through Thursday whenever school was a next day we didn't. We didn't watch TV during the week and we didn't have bunch of screens and stuff and you know after you get really bored you know you play the guitar, you lift weights in the garage or play one-on-one, you play games together those kind of things are what happens and what's easy is your tired and go watch this or go do that and I'm not saying that you need to do this every night but have fun together and then pray together. The last one is the effective parents require consistent repair and ongoing maintenance. I don't know that there's anything in the entire world that I felt more as a failure than is apparent.

The hardest thing I've ever tried to be as a dad, a good parent but I think this one constant repair and ongoing maintenance.

I finally got to where the only perfect parent is the father and the only perfect person is Jesus, and he lives in me and he lives in you. I pray and this promise from first John 19 if we confess our sins he is faithful and just will forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. And this is the principal process and for me. These were five powerful words and that I said to my kids at all different ages and to this day I'm sorry and please forgive me. I think something sometimes is apparent you feel like you have to be right or you can admit it in and you and you mess up, and so your soul gets all messed up and seems to me that when we mess up with our kids. This do for them what to do for us.

There's few things more precious than when one of our kids in overtime. They kinda mature and they do something they know is wrong before you catch them. They come to you. I said dad. You know you probably find out about this sooner later but this is what it did, and it tears streamed on.

I'm sorry, what would you do you hug is what you do right and I think is sometimes rather than trying to be some perfect parent man. This has to be such a high priority for 10 love covers a multitude of sins and please forgive me and kids are very resilient Lord just going over these things reminds me of how how much pressure I know that we felt his parents how uncertain at times fearful things changed in this or kids went through. Looking back pretty normal ups and downs that I would pray for these moms and these dads that yes they would take their parenting really seriously be the hardest and most rewarding job ever give him a clear target in their mind and their hard and help them to not practicing what they preach up and just to talk to you in start practicing what they preach and would you help them in the midst of all this bombardment of technology and busyness to take time to build relationships that bond storms are gonna calm. It's normal. It's natural helping to build bridges where their heart kids hearts are deeply, deeply connected, then I would you give him the grace to not be so hard on themselves and not think that every little decision or if they blown it here blown it there somehow.

Think never to my kids are so desirous of confess right. This message challenged every three children from a series keeping love alive volume. It's been said that marriage is like a jury will every relationship has its ups and downs. There seem to be particular struggles that affect every couple in this series. Keeping love alive. Volume 3 chip addresses the four challenges every great marriage has in common, he exposes how busyness, temptation, kids and stagnation can ruin relationships discover from God's word.

How you and your mate can handle these trials together and become a stronger couple more effective parents and create a happier home now. If you missed any part of the series keeping love alive. Volume 3, or want to learn more about our helpful resources that shipping remap is a great way to get plugged in before we go any further, here's chip with a quick word you know I get letters, emails and Facebook messages from people every day to tell me how Living on the Edges impacted their life. People of all ages from I mean every walk of life. Many of those letters also share painful events, deep wounds are hard times that people wrestling with. Like many of us there pressing and are seeking God and I'm deeply moved when they've taken the time to write and say thank you thanks for message they've heard, or resource. They been using were you know seeing God work through his word and they understand him and the Holy Spirit is beginning to work in their life like never before. They aren't only thanking me your Living on the Edge there thanking you all of you that invests in this ministry and walk alongside us by praying for its daily giving every month to keep the doors open were giving to our matches once or twice a year to develop new resources and reach more people.

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Would you prayerfully consider giving financially to the ministry that we could keep creating new resources keep helping people to be the kind of Christians that live like Christians and let me say just thank you in advance for what ever God leads you to do.

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Thank you for your prayers and financial support chip as we wrap up this message on effectively parroting our kids.

I thought it might be helpful to revisit the eight ways moms and dads can build lasting bonds with their kids and you want to those again for us.

I'd be glad to Dave. These are so important. Number one.

Unconditional love verbalizing you have to tell your kids I love you and when they're good and when they're bad doesn't mean there's not consequences but you have to verbalize that unconditionally. I love you. Number two is scheduled time.

Put them in your calendar. This is when we meet.

This is when I talk you into bed. This is when we eat. This is when it's just you and mom are you and dad number three focused attention without distraction mean no media, no TV, no papers, no magazines.

I mean it's just them in your really focus number four eye contact is just something powerful. Researchers tell us when you're looking at your kids eyes and so when they're really small you get down on your knees and get with them and look them in the eye. Number five consistent communication just shared experiences where you're talking, sharing listening structure that into every single day number six meaningful touch kids feel secure when they're hugged and even when they get older hugging and nonsexual ways. If you're if you're a dad with your daughters and wrestling when they're small and you know the tab on the shoulder and the unit of the bro hugs to your growing boys and then number seven is fun together.

I just I think fun is probably as important as some of the deep spiritual things. It's an atmosphere games and trypsin and workouts and laughter and events and then finally pray together often and not just at spiritual times, you know, praying the car, pray after you work out pray when you hear something on the news and there's a tragedy in the world just stopped where your kids begin to grasp this is a lifestyle and you're connected from the heart and so those eight things are very hard to remember but if you can build them in is habits I will tell you it cultivates these deep, deep bonds with your children because as they get older and some of those teen years and beyond. They need to break away and they need to break away and find themselves not not necessarily an immoral ways at all, but they have to distance themselves from you in the truth that you share with them during the seasons are to be built on this bridge of relationship they know their loved and you care about them and you're investing in them all these years and it's never too late that's in Encouraging Word chip bags in case you missed some of the points chip just reviewed their pulled straight from his message notes, which is a tool available for every program. So let me encourage you to get this resource before you listen to us again. Chip's notes include his outline all of the Scripture references. Lots of fillings to help you remember what your learning goal really help you get the most out of every program, chips, message notes are a quick downloaded LivingontheEdge.org under the broadcasts tab app listeners just Fill in notes: select Stein this is Dave releasing listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge