Keeping Love Alive - Volume 3 - Challenge #3 - Children, Part 1

I asked a young friend of mine recently helped his wife were adjusting to being new parents. He responded is tough. There's only so much you can do to put whether you're new or experience. Raising kids is hard not to mention the strain it puts on her marriages. So how can we as couples successfully parent our kids and still keep our marriages fresh welcome to this edition of living will be a tripping evolution of these daily programs is to intentionally disciple Christians the Bible to I'm sure there's countless mom that should say yes everything is every day is a challenge. What do Welch continues to bring consumers alive by showing a few key biblical principle is your kids if you're looking for deeper insight and what it means to be effective. Keep listening. After this message, or some practical advice from your not going to miss what he has to share all right what stewardship does he unpacks the third challenge. Every great marriage has become.

If you'll pull out your notes. There has been a radical shift in culture. If you haven't noticed the last 5 to 10 years, but even more of the last 30 to 40 your child's world is more violent, more difficult, more fearful, more uncertain what's right what's wrong we've got gender fluidity.

We have a complete shifting of values and culture and it is a very difficult we have the technology that bombard your kids ages that I won't go into all the research but basically it creates a world that is violent, uncertain, fearful and defective. We live in a day. Now, where 80% of all children will one time live with only one of their parents. Only about 22 to 23% of all the families in America currently and this is a five-year-old statistics of its probably not this good live in a family where both mother and father that are the biological parents of those children so 1/5 families have sort of a design with a mom and a dad that these are our kids. What's great is in God's grace.

Those of us that have a blended family or those of us living through rough times we become great trophies of God's grace as he redeems those things so all to say that the challenging parenting is how do you navigate your child to these landmines of change in moral relativism of overload drugs, alcohol, peer pressure and all the stuff coming at them and so if you open your notes only give you four principles for positive parenting. Effective parenting in the defective world.

These are four principles, all talk about how to develop your child's personal life in God how God made them. There's another message on discipline that probably most of you, I would like a little help on and but this one is the overall principles principle number one is this is that effective parenting begins with positive clear-cut objectives.

In other words, you have to have a target on the wall.

You gotta get super clear about what are we trying to accomplish his parents that the key passage in the New Testament is Ephesians 6 for I in the Phillips translation assist fathers don't overcorrect your children or make it difficult for them to obey the commandment.

Bring them up with Christian teaching in Christian discipline underlined.

Don't overcorrect your child that the negative command and then underline bring them up, which is a positive command notice to its address to parents have both responsibility, but I did my thesis at in seminary because I had these two little boys and I'm a dad and my my dad worked really hard at it we restored some things but I did learn how to be a dad for my dad and so I looked up every verse in the Bible on men parenting and then I had a graduate degree in another area, and so I did the social research on what does the best social research say in psychology and sociology about one of the case studies that make for parents that raise positive kids and what I can tell you is the Bible is really clear that men have a unique role.

Men and women have about the same influence in terms of mother and father on your child's self-concept. However, men have a disproportionate impact on the moral development of both little boys and little girls and there's something about God has made the fathers as the one morally responsible for.

You know what we do all this together.

Women obviously have greater nurturing ability both psychologically but physically, for sure, but but in terms of who's going own responsibility for what happens in this home. A lot of men one word we feel bearing adequate because I gotta tell you, this is our mission fathers don't exasperate your children. It's easy to be hard on, and so but bring them up.

The word means. Some your other translations of Satan nurture them of the word means rear nurture to nourish in classical Greek and meant the physical development and then as you know, words develop over time. It later became by this time in Greek literature. It meant the total development of your child. In other words, the education, the moral development the relational that the IQ emotionally. None what you want to bring them up in and you have two tools notice put a box around the word Christian teaching, and put another box around Christian discipline.

Christian teaching is you shape your kids with words, Christian discipline is you shape your kids with actions. Some parents struggle a lot because they talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and the kids don't obey. Most kids are far better students of their parents than parents are the kids and what what your kids do you you have a unit you're sitting on the couch and you're sitting over here and they hit their sister or brother. They slammed the door. Do something of total 30 times and stop that right now. 13 seconds later I don't quit hitting each other and see what your kids watched as you don't get about a chair…… And then here's here's what they know. They watched you pay dad gum it possibly stronger. As I told you, and you know they look, look each other to stop because what they've learned is what they think studied you until you get angry until you're out of control. Probably nothing can happen. By contrast, is that you can actually learn to do this is you can say Bobby Jimmy can you're okay and they get down at their level.

Looking right knee. I in a soft voice to say I'm going to tell you one time don't hit each other. If you do, there's no more warnings. Okay this is what's can happen and course they've learned from how you used to do you go sit down and now you you are waiting in the moment you see it you get up and say Bobby Jimmy right now you your room you dear room will be there just a second and then under control without any anger you administered discipline when they do it again you did exactly the same way and the dude exactly the same way and for two weeks. The wear you out and after two weeks you know what you can say okay I want you to pick up your toys is time to go and guess what they do, they pick up their toys is time to go and they talk back and sassing doing this and you know very calmly you half to teach them instruction. This is right. This is wrong when they're small there concrete thinkers when they're small we talk too much when they get older. Preteens and teenagers. We talk to little there's there's it's absolutely of diffuse word stupid.

You got a four-year-old, don't you understand it when you do this and you do that this is what God says if you could really hurt you, little brother, and someday if you ever do this in the kids going their brains that there concrete right wrong to write good consequences to wrong, that consequences and that's it.

They don't need long lectures then what we do when they get older. Whether teenagers they're just going to be like that and you don't talk with what they need. Then as you need to lay across the bed and what's going on what you think what was going through your mind when you did that and you stay connected to them. So you have two tools will talk about how to do that.

But here's here's the principle to the principle of focus. Most parents parent out of fear.

What you want to have is a crystal-clear focus and I call this God's dream versus that the American dream for your child under God's dream, right down Romans 828 and then add verse 29. If you been around church circles or been to any Christian bookstore Romans 828 is on a plaque somewhere, for we know that God works all things together for the good to them that love God, right got it. According to his purposes. We sorted leave off 29 and 20 line talks about those whom he also called he also predestined and what he predestined I was to conform them to the image of Christ. God's target for your child. This is can be hard to take is not to make it an MBA is not to make the traveling team is not to have a beautiful voice is not necessarily be able play the violin.

The piano and the trumpet is not necessarily to get all straight A's. God's number one agenda for your child is to make him or her more and more like Jesus. And so that your target your target is there character in their spiritual and their moral development. Now if they happen to be a good athlete.

If they happen to be musically talented if they happen to make the traveling team. In other words, if you would look at the average parent and look at where their energy and time goes to what they try to develop.

I live in a place where parents will move out of one neighborhood to another to get into a school system and their kids need to have a 4.3 in all AP classes and they still may not get into Stanford or Harvard or Columbia and we have kids every year where they might have a perfect score, but they don't get into that and and if it from their family background. If you don't become a doctor or lawyer or get into one of the schools we have kids who line up every year where the train is and they step in front of it and they commit suicide because they don't measure up.

And they brought shame to their family, their values completely in the performance and we don't want to do that but we tend to do that the culture is the American dream is your kids need to be upwardly mobile, they need to have more than you and and unconsciously.

If you want them to be successful, you realize how miserable, successful people are not all of them but if that's the goal.

If your whole world is I only am what I can accomplish what I can achieve and then they buy into bigger is better, more is better. Until I have this on this where this so what you need understand is apparent yet have a crystal-clear target.

What he trying to develop because your target will determine where you put your energy in your time. Here's the amazing thing when a child understands these deeply loved by God. When a child understands their value was apart from whether they're good at sports are not good at sports or whether to get all A's are now of course you want our kids to do their best to teach them to be disappointed all the rest, but that's far different from it all boils down to, because the truth of the matter is, unconsciously, we as parents live vicariously through our kids and we really think that when they do really well.

That's what makes us look what would change in your parenting. You had a crystal-clear target.

That said, I'm going to use words I'm can use actions to help my son and my daughter, whether from the time the two or four or eight different ways preteens to teenage what kind of environments.

What we do when we go, what does what's gonna look like our family table eating together.

The research is amazing if you never opened the Bible were never prayed. If you ate together three or four or five times a week.

It will transform your kids. I mean IQ goes up success and everything goes up there certain things that we were designed to do, eat together, being tucked in dealing like someone cares about you being heard those kind of things. What parents do, and were now living in a day where screens pace and speed are beginning to pull more and and now it becomes more and more natural because so few people live what I'm talking about, but then ask yourself how are most parents do the kids. It's not pretty, crystal-clear target second effective parenting demands that we practice what we preach. Paul would write to the Corinthians 1st printing chapter 4 I'm not writing these things to shame you, but to warn you as my dear children, even though you have 10,000 guardians in Christ you do not have many fathers for in Christ Jesus, I became your father through the gospel.

Therefore, I urge you, here's that word again imitate me what we touched on this already somewhat but it's it's the principle of modeling more really is caught than taught, I jotted this is an unknown court. I don't know where it comes from. Let every father. Remember that one day his son or daughter will follow his example instead of his advice. You cannot impart what you don't possess. You have to be significantly what you want your kids to become now let me fast forward is because you haven't done what I've done for almost 40 years and watching parents at different stages. I've been with parents and so work for their kids and it was educational success, sports, and all the rest, and I like sports and I demanded that my kids you know do their very best in school and all the rest, but I can't even try to tell you what it's like to sit down with someone that has grown children that make no contact with them anymore that are super successful, but they don't have any relationship with her mom dad anymore, but I have one particular friend who is sister scored a perfect score on the ACT and on SAT they came from another country. There were immigrants and the parents were like, I mean three or four hours of study after school everyday repaired starting the six grade for the SATs and and she has a graduate degree from the most prestigious university and a doctorate from the Harvard's of the world, and she has changed her phone number and address multiple times of her family can never get in touch with her and I can't just tell you how many how many parents realize we were really successful and you know that the latter was against the wrong wall and I sit with him and they say you know something at the end of the day whether they made 20,000 or 50,000 hundred thousand or whether they went to this or that school you know if my son or daughter if I could do it all over if they were kind if they love God. If they were other centered if they weren't arrogant if they had a strong marriage if they cared for other people and they were like the kind of people that you would just love to be around. That would be so much more important than where I pushed him and what I wanted to see happen because you gotta define success and they'll get it first from the target and then go get it from the teacher and you are there teachers you profoundly more than anything else in all the world shape your kids attitudes their minds and their hearts so we got a target.

We have a teacher, which is you.

And then it happens in a very significant environment and the environment is effective parenting not only has a crystal-clear positive target. Not only does Europe do we practice what we preach about a way when I say that don't hear perfection.

In other words, we practice what we preach what we preach.

We preach when we blow it when we sin when there's an outburst of anger.

When we do something that we know is wrong. What we do, we admit it were honest were vulnerable. We go to our father.

We confess it and if we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us right so that means that when I blew up with my kids and I disciplined out of anger and then I realized it because of the third time and I can't believe in an and it was all me and I actually got with my kids and and I asked him to forgive me.

I said, I'm really trying to be the kind of dad that God wants me to in the way I disciplined you, was not how God wants you to. I did it out of anger. I guy my voice was loud. I got superintendents I could tell you were afraid and I'm sorry me to a five-year-old to six you will you forgive me and you know kids are amazing, yet that I forgive you. Well can we do like I do with you because when you when I discipline you write. I am that I hope you understand. I ask you what did you do wrong to have him verbalize it and who did you offend or hurt. My hurt, I hurt my sister and all who else will God because he told me not to.

Okay, let's Put my kids and sitting in my lap after I disciplined him and I'd teach them to pray father would you forgive me thank you that right now. Just like Anna on the whiteboard you wiped away at all. You love me and you care for me and I'm sorry that I hit some if you got pray together.

My my youngest son. I see that he's a pastor now. He said some of the most precious deepest times of connection. He and I ever had was after I discipline.

It's one thing when people accept you when you're doing something good right it's amazing when someone accepts you when you've blown it that that's what contest for us and that's what you want your kids to learn. So when I say you get a practice what you preach discipline you have it all together just means you model for your kids exactly what God wants you to do so. Effective parenting builds relationship bond is the keyword it's and I'm when I say bonhomie and a connection of the child's heart with your heart. I put there's a couple divine example of the apostle Paul is speaking to the Thessalonians. And it's interesting he gives us two word pictures he talks about his time with them, he says, but we were gentle among you, like a circle. The word mother caring for little children how to mom's care they nurture. They love the older kids close. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our lives as well because you had become very dear to us underline the word love. Do you underline the word to share with you and underline dear to us to do. You see the tenderness there's a tenderness there's a tenderness with your kids and then noticed he goes on pieces for you know that we dealt with each of you as a father how to father steel with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you right there's there's a goal out there there's an objective to live lives worthy of God's call who called you to his kingdom and his glory departed. What dads do. That's a little bit different than most moms at least. As you know, it's not just we want to be Christlike. We want to figure out God put you on the planet.

You know children are like an arrow in your quiver. What you do with arrows you don't get like a bunch arrows ago well. Has anybody seen my arrows lately what you do with arrows. You pull arrows out and you can't come and you get it you get a target and you release them you want your kids to discover why God made you. This is why you're good at this. This is why you have these passions. This is why you struggle with this you you are a unique thing because he has a calling on your life. Your kids will never be happier and more fulfilled than if they discover what God wants him to do this, you're a student, this application just a minute as part of his message challenge number three children from a series keeping love alive.

Volume 3.

If you were able to press pause on life. Take a step back and really evaluate your marriage. How does it look is it just a little out of sync, or there are a few areas that need some work or is your relationship on the verge of completely falling apart through his newest volume of keeping love alive ship reveals a humbling truth. Every marriage has its challenges, even the ones that look perfect.

So how can you get your relationship were needs to be will join Chip as he shares profound biblical truths that will help you and your mate tackle these girls together and build a stronger, Christ centered marriage. For more information about keeping love alive. Volume 3, or are series resources go to LivingontheEdge.org or call AAA 333-6003 that's AAA 333-6003, or LivingontheEdge.org Apple stores tap special offers before we go any further.

Chip, I can see your wanting to jump in here and talk about a really helpful resource we have for couples that will completely transform the relationships. Would you talk about that you know Dave marriage is a is a unique experience and I don't mean to make light of this, but you know we all have cars and I have noticed that people most of us are better at keeping our cars in shape than we are the most important relationship. I mean, you know, I have this little light that comes on. It says that you needed to know bright, you gotta align the wheel, change the oil ghetto check the tires and and you know you do that and if you do that your car runs really well for a long time, and what I want to remind people is that our marriages need a tuneup doesn't mean anything's wrong. It just means hey how's the communication going and where we had in this season of marriage and left to ourselves. Work pulls us in directions. Children pull us in directions and just to pause and say let's give some real energy and focus to our marriage and I found the very best way to do that is to find two or three couples and say hey let's do a study together in the study that we have the for me is the absolutely most practical is called experiencing God's dream for your marriage. It's a resource. It talks about communication of resolving conflict, fighting fair mean all the kind of things that we all need tuneups on experiencing God's dream for your marriage has been just one of the best small group resources we ever created, so they want to tell people how they can get that and let me just encourage you to check it out. Thanks, Chip will whether you're a newlywed or been married for years.

This resource will make a significant difference in your relationship to be blown away by how much you learn about your spouse just by investing some time in the study.

So let me encourage you order the small group guide or the DVD and get ready to enjoy your relationship the way God intended for complete details on experiencing God's dream for your marriage go to LivingontheEdge.org or call AAA 333-6003 that's AAA 333-6003 or visit LivingontheEdge.org Apple listeners tap special offers typically every mom and dad listening would agree that parenting is hard, but it just seems like over the past couple years, it's gone to a whole new level and you touched on some of those changes today, so could you give us a quick recap of what you talk and then share some words of hope for the discouraged parrot out there. Absolutely Dave it has been a very, very challenging time for everyone in their homes. Parenting kids mean the explosion of devices kids at home, no school, I mean, there's so many issues we can lose sight of what the big issues are you we have to deal with those but I wanted to remind parents that effective parenting in this very defective world always begins with clear-cut objectives. Our culture has bombarded us with the goal to make your kids happy and you know what I want my kids to be happy and I actually have kids who grew up very happy, but the whole entitlement the whole.

How do we revolve our whole world around her children has produced disastrous impact and what God says is the clear-cut objective help your child become like Jesus. In other words, the goals that they would be loving and holy and other centered in a word, it's about developing their character and their spiritual engagement with Christ and that takes time and so were limited in a world where getting on the team sports or every activity is where parents spend their time and I fear very deeply that the not spending a whole lot of time and energy of saying how do I help my child grow in Christ. And so those are really, really big challenges Dave and that's why we've created a number of resources and coaching and then the next thing I would say is the critical key is having a relationship with your child that is deep and where you really bond because difficulties are coming and in our next broadcast him to talk about the eight specific ways and activities were we bond with our kids and then I'm going to share what you do is apparent when you blow it big time so don't miss our next broadcast just before we close. I want to thank those of you who regularly give to the ministry of Living on the Edge you're making a big difference in helping Christians live like Christians of your enjoying the benefits of Living on the Edge but aren't good on the team would you do that today. You can set up a recurring donation by calling us at AAA 333-6003 or by visiting us@livingontheedge.org Apple listeners tap donate. Thanks for doing whatever the Lord leads you to do well for all of us here is Dave Drury saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge