Keeping Love Alive - Connecting - How to Multiply Your Joy, Part 2

Most marriages don't break apart the truth apart relationships need connection to stay healthy and alive today were to learn how to create connection and experience real joy keeps your marriage alive stay with thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram Living on the Edge features the Bible to helping Christians really live like Christians in this program. Chip continues his series keeping level, our right in the middle of it.

So if you've missed any of the previous messages are all available online. LivingontheEdge.org or on the chipping's message notes are also you can see chips outlined and follow along as you listen to this program chips picking up where he left off his already given us the first principle of connecting which is you can't give supernatural love. If you're not personally connected to Jesus is the unlimited source of love is going to move on to the second principle so open your Bible to John chapter 15 story chip for part two of his message connecting how to multiply your joy. Second is connection is built on communication right my words abide in you and you abide in my word connection is built on faithfulness and obedience.

He to keep my commandments. He loves me. If you abide in my love, just as I body my father's love and then I think he use this picture for a reason. Communication takes time. You gotta be faithful and got a response you have to talk To listen and is not just with with the father.

Now this is with our mates. You can't microwave a relationship is just no substitute for time and is not time where your multitasking it's it's not time when ESPN is honor someone's watching the news or it's not time when both people are semi-on the phone. It's time for all of you is focused on all of him or all of her and the goal is to connect and and and if you don't connect. If you don't abide in what you do you drift in and part of the deep sense in your soul that where you feel together. It's a it's a sense of we're going through life. It's a sense of strength.

It's a sense of can't can't. You have great joy in the midst of even challenges when you really feel like you're in it together. Have you been through that and the and circumstances can be great, and yet you're not connected and still life isn't working.

Connecting is about renewing your heart and we live in a world filled with drift and distractions. What's the plan to stay connected while the key I think is communication third principle is joy is the fruit or the overflow of connection with Christ and with one another and I will tell you it'll sustain you. I've been through lots of ups and downs in our life. And you know ministry ups and downs and betrayals and difficulties in truce nine, eight or nine years ago with your cancer together that she went through, I can tell you when you're connected to God and you're connected to one another. You can go after radiation treatment and pull up to the Starbucks and get a couple coffee and and then get one little of those oatmeal cookies and let them heated up and break it in half and you can sit in the car together and you can share it and she can be absolutely exhausted and you cannot know is it's gonna work or not. And you can think I'm the luckiest blessed man in the life, and I don't know how many more days or months or years you have with her I love her so much and it was easy to cancel every speaking engagement for the year. It was easy to tell the person that I was supposed to write about the guess what you want the money back from the advance you can have the money back. I'm not can write a book amok and go speak anywhere. I'm be with her and really go to every appointment together and I would never want to go through it again but I will tell you in the midst of that difficulty, neck pain, there was a love that we experienced and a connection because you really when you when you start thinking I may not have this person very long what it changes how you think it changes how you talk. It changes how you think about I tell you what your little exercise for tenure mate has cancer and has about 60 or 90 days to live, and treat them like you only have 60 or 90 more days with them that'll shake up your relationship member reading about a lady who was have a marriage.

Her husband was a type a very busy pretty insensitive business guy and she had tried you know different ways. You know classic ways so you know we need to spend more time together and we need to do this and we need do that in the nagging wasn't working and and so she had read something about you and winning your husband without a word from first Peter chapter 3, and so she decides her to go on vacation that for a whole week. She's just going to try this absolutely counterintuitive of of loving her husband and ways in his love language and so she does a day one day to day three, you know, and he usually does certain things that she seemed okay.

We came all the way here and you want to go do that, you know, that's great. So she goes to the whole thing to get the basics in the ready to home and he said honey. We need to talk and she got oh my gosh what wonder what's wrong and he said them. Is everything okay and she said why he said will you I know you saw the doctor couple weeks or so before working our vacation means you can die and she does know he was leaving treatment such a way like I thought maybe he thought you get a diary just been super good man and the she tells a story that the lights came on. What he realized was how have I missed this in our relationship so long you know what it is its connection. Ask yourself what is keeping you disconnected from your mate for men it's often your work for women. It's often your children and for all of you. It's often your phone and your laptop and your Netflix and your filling your life with things to medicate your loneliness be hobbies because you know if you have a really connected. That means you have to let someone see who you are and what's really going on and it's taken me decades to realize being open and real and even sharing weaknesses appropriately open the door for other people to realize there's hope for all of us but that's got to be getting your marriage to begin with, being sent a note, I know I'm not the husband and I need and ought to be, but I want to change. I know I'm not the life that I need an auto and want to be and I want to change and the not using that as a hammer later dislike you said you wanted to change realize it's a process here's here's the key focus on how we get connected to deeper level. Practical implications our personal walk with God is critical to great marriage that was pretty easy wasn't you. If you want to have a great marriage go vertical first what whatever you need to do to walk closely with God being his word have submitting your life or some women in your life some accountability some fellowships and encouragement.

Second is communication skill and practice is the key to a joyful marriage. You have to learn to communicate and it's a skill and have to practice it. And third, the connection is of the mind, the body, the emotions in the spirit is another word you you you have to learn to intellectually communicate. You have to learn to have spiritual connection. You have to learn to have emotional connection and then you have to figure out ways to have regular bodily connection to something very powerful that God has made one a man and a woman make love to build a bond and a new communication of a nonverbal type that does something in your heart.

But if the others are a part of it. A woman normally will feel used instead of being connected and loved and cherished and so let me give you two or three tools to begin to build deeper and deeper connection of the first is is what I'm going to call the conference and it's just a communication skill and this is one of those that I paid a lot of money for them to give you for free. Patrice and I I think after an early marriage counseling. We have at least two or three of these conferences a week and then you got to be a pattern of how we would talk with me. We can communicate and we could not resolve conflict and she was a stuffer so and she had issues she would stop it. And guess what happens to people who stuff their emotions, they get depressed and I was a verbalize or so I just frustrated her all the time I walk around the bed at night saying the sun can go down until resolve this conflict" versus to her she would put her hand over her pillow. Is this wild man that I married Yvonne not which was absolutely true.

So here's how it works.

This is how like this I learned men were the leader so we start so I imagine in my case Tresa sitting across from me. You guys will have to lean in, you make eye contact body language is I'm actually listening and I say to Teresa what are you concerned about and then I actually do this literally. In some cases, but will do it literally I I put a piece of duct tape over my mouth. I cannot respond I can I can I can say anything else that's okay. Now you're the woman here's the deal. Whatever you're concerned about the doesn't have to be all serious anything that comes your mind. I'm concerned about her finances. I'm concerned that we don't have long-term plan concerned about that boy. Our daughters dating.

I don't feel good about him. I'm concerned that I feel so tired of think something might be wrong. I'm concerned that you don't seem to like your job anymore. I'm concerned, anything that comes your mind okay admin is you and I can fix anything. Nothing. Now what you'll find is the first time this could go a little bit long and and your wife will probably have more words and you that's okay then ladies unite detected duct tape off and you look in his eyes and say what you concerned about. And guys, here's the non-option that much. I'm good. You know what open mouth young concerned about that boy to know what you think about it now, but guys, you can't repeat all of her concerns. Could you just be honest she is dying to know what's in here. Anything that concerns you, and I'm concerned that you know I have ever since my ACL I occupy can't do what I used to do chemically sportswear use to. I'm concerned that my best buddies getting deployed and I'm really I'm I know what that is like there and I'm really concerned about. I'm concerned about it. Whatever whatever whatever comes your concern.

I'm concerned about her marriage. I'm concerned I'm not the man I want to be unconcerned. Whatever it is okay next question you look at your life duct tape replaced by light ladies when he's talking duct tape. We don't need that so bad I'm so sorry.

I'll take care of you just listen.

Then what you wish and mother. Wait, you don't have to keep Associates. Well I wish would win the lotto.

I wish we go to Hawaii next week. I wish that boy didn't date her. I wish we could have more talks like this I wish we would have a retreat like this once a year. I just mean literally if if there was a little you know when those lamps and you can wishing you could have it to say that whatever it is and then we switch it, and the men guess to do that and then you get than the last question and as a man you say to her what are you willing to do the third question. Now here's the rule.

You don't have to do anything you have to do anything but he hears and then when you ask him what you willing to do my first time as I was so angry and so hurt. Here's her semi-unwilling to have another one. These conferences that's all unwilling to do right now because there's just too much buildup and here's what this does, you realize the average couple talks but says words and rarely gets into one another's hearts because it's about kids.

It's about logistics. It's about stuff. Here's what you end up doing, you end up if you share your concerns you're getting to hear without interruption. All the things that are weighing the heart of the person you love and committed your life to and then you get to hear things that would put some wind in their sales that would lift them up and with courage in them and then looking at all their burdens and looking what would give him a lift. You have the opportunity and you don't have to do it because it's a free act and will you could lift a tiny burden if you wanted to do or you could give a little lift and and what happened is actually communicated. I'll never forget early on on this some, and she was unconcerned about her boys and their homework and their math in it so difficult and this and this and that and I feel overwhelmed and I remember saying I mean I was there like okay I'm willing to take over all the math of all of our kids. Of all of their homework.

I like math. It's really easy comes good to me. My dad was a math teacher you kid me. I had no idea I had no idea that that was weighing her down so I took that and whether their world changed for the sorry son, I can't read it, do it again. But then you know what, do it again. They all got very good math you and she told me later she because I just felt so loved. Why didn't even know was weighing in and so we do like a couple. These are sometimes three a week and then I mean to. To this day. You know sometimes will feel a little disconnected and yet we did it for years and years and years and years and will see" will not want to reconnect when you were driving the car into my turn to go sober. What you concerned about. I really okay that we probably need to do this you know and it's a great tool and I would just encourage you it's about setting a new trajectory. It's about going into training you start communicating like this on a regular basis to tell you you can you can hear hurts and things that you didn't know about and you have the opportunity come in and express love in ways that are really meaningful and here's what happened. This, in this this and this and as it can be low threatening will yeah and my wife Kate that use a couple rules to this someone wrote me and after I taught this and said what you do if you share all your concerns and my partners not coming in step and taking care of all the concerns well you know what it's it's a communication exercise. If you if you share all these things with the expectation that if they don't respond the way you wanted to guess who still trying to control the relationship.

I think this is a trust issue. Proverbs 21 one you might jot it down.

This is how you change your mate.

The king's heart is like channels of water in the hand of the Lord. He turns it whatever what he wishes. Okay, another words the most powerful people in the world. If you want to change someone over here you talk to the king who can change that heart. So if I can't get through to her and she will tell you the way she got through to me was like this up to God down to me because my heart and your mate's heart and her heart are in the hand of God, and you can ask God to speak to them in this little communication devices can be very helpful. Let me give you one more tool. I just call it the care list and so are here's here's the question this this one is not in your notes, but you might want to write it on the back or something. It's it's really simple. It's I feel most loved when you… And what I want you to do is list three things I feel most loved when you call me for no reason. When you initiate making love. When you take out the trash and vacuum when you lead spiritually when you don't nag me but encourage me to get some time away with my buddies when I really need to be refreshed. I feel most loved when you list your top three okay as a man. Don't jump your life ladies you list your top three and then here's the assignment you take your list of your top three, and you give it your husband you take your list up top three. You give it your life and now you know what we all wonder how I really love my mate while she just told you what I want not come down so this week. You know what I know the top three things I'm to do one of those things in the next seven days for my wife or for my husband this week. Why don't feel like tough Jesus didn't feel like on the cross he went love is a choice right so now were back to now I've got a game plan. I'm going to serve her in a way to make sense to her. I'm going to communicate in ways and I'm going to hear her heart around to hear his heart and working go on a journey because guess what now now I know how to serve.

I know what we need to plan about because now I know where the weights in the hurts are and I know where the joys would be.

And so now I know the top three things that make them feel loved and I'm just gonna make a plan to do that. Got it. According to Jesus, you has ears to hear, let them hear what he meant by that is, are you going to act on what I have just said. And trust me to the point of obeying me, and if you do show up in your life and if you don't.

Even the truth. You think you have so I think you got to be back with his just a reminder this message connecting how to multiply your joy is from his series keeping love alive for biblical practices. Great marriages have in common. For each of these four practices gives you a couple of principles that explain why it's true practical implications of what those principles look like in the day-to-day and then very specific tools to get this practice into action and classic chip fashion.

He unfolds the roadmap to give you clear directions each step of the way you want to hear how to deepen your love strengthen your hope multiply your joy and restore your piece you over to yourself and your spouse to dig into the series and integrate what you learn for the long haul. You'll be hard-pressed to find a more practical resource for the health of your marriage for limited time resources for keeping love alive are discounted and the MP3s are always free to order your copy or to send it to a friend visit us online at http://livingontheedge.org or top special offers on the app for additional information. Just give us a call at AAA 333-6003 that's AAA 333-6003 will check before you talk about the teaching you have another thought I'd like to ask you a favor.

I like you to really think about has Living on the Edge minister to you and if so, I'd like to bring a biblical principle to your attention the Scripture says that when you're minister to spiritually. I we have a responsibility to financially support and so I hope first and foremost you're doing that at your local church. Secondly, if Living on the Edge is a spiritual ministry in your life you listen. Maybe you've downloaded the app maybe then a small group but you're like me you know I watch things or hear things are on benefit from things and I just unconsciously think somehow, someway, someone else is taking care of it and so I would bring to your attention if you're benefiting from the ministry I like to ask you to give financially to the ministry. However much God lead you might be a little it might be a lot but I would like you today to say God do you want me to help Living on the Edge continue to help Christians live like Christians and if the answer is yes asking how much and just do whatever he says thank you very much for whatever God leads you to do if Living on the Edge is ministering to and you will be part of ministering to others across America and around the world today would be a great day to join the team to give a gift, just go to LivingontheEdge.org or tap donate on the app if you'd rather give us a call the number here is AAA 83336003 that's AAA 83336003 on behalf of Chip and the staff here at Living on the Edge. Thank you for your prayers and your financial support as we close today's program you know I was just thinking I wonder if Home Depot or Ace Hardware or maybe some of the stories we just go in and buy duct tape wouldn't be exciting. If like they just ran out that literally thousands, tens of thousands of you all. Listening to my voice would say I'm get into that conference. I'm going to ask those three questions.

What are you concerned about what you wish what you willing to do and that I'm literally get put duct tape over my mouth and in a lean forward, make eye contact and I'm gonna really, really listen what I want you to know as funny as that sounds in about 15 minutes maybe 20.

You will hear more of your mates burdens their dreams in a specific way to love them, than talking for hours and hours you know we get lots of emails and letters of people's lives that are hurting and breaking the pardon we pray as the staff every single day and so many of the prayers are around marriages that have drifted her struggles her affairs or problems.

But I have to tell you we also get lots of emails and letters where people say to us you know we went through the marriage that works or that series on experiencing God's dream for your marriage and we have to tell you, our marriages come back together. Christ is the center of it.

It's completely healed, it's better than ever before. So here's my plea. Please do not simply listen to this you have to do it you have to actually do this conference put it on the calendar at least once a week for the next three or four weeks. Three simple questions block off 1/2 hour 45 minutes away from everyone else and then jot me a note chip that LivingontheEdge.org and let me know how it goes.

It would easy way to share chips messages is with the chipping remap with just a couple taps any message you choose is on its way to your friend, someone in your family or on social media to help others who could benefit from the truth of Scripture and its encouragement. And don't forget to include a quick note about how it made a difference in your life will be with us again next time. When Chip continues his series keeping the love alive.

Until then, this is Dave Drewry saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge