Love Sex and Lasting Relationships - How to Know if You're in Love, Part 2

You can take a test. I'm talking to those that are dating someone and if you can know for sure whether this is really love or just infatuation.

Would you take what got good news for you. I have that test. Thousands of people of taken it and they always tell me the same thing. Wow, I wish I would've taken it earlier. That's today welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with your finger Living on the Edges of international discipleship ministry featuring the Bible teaching its nature continues his series, love, sex, and lasting relationships with the test to help you discern the difference between effectuation and true love. So no matter how old you edition of your current relationship. What insurers could have a huge impact on just before we get started, let me encourage you to get a copy of chips, message notes will include the little test will be giving to help you know of the relationship. Love your quick download under the broadcasts tab@livingontheedge.org or fill in notes on the knowledge stewardship for part two of this message know if you're in love from Ephesians chapter 5, number five, a security and individual love tends to have a sense of security and a feeling of trust. After considering everything involved in the relationship with the other person. In other words, there's a sense of loyalty, there's a there's a safeness to being together and infatuated individual tends to have a blind sense of security based on wishful thinking, rather than upon careful consideration, he or she may have a sense of insecurity that is sometimes expressed in jealousy. See when you're infatuated and it's all about feelings. He's talking so it's she talking some so you got a meeting where, with whom I want to know about that when you find someone, especially those in dating relationships with there's high levels of jealousy Dean Dean Dean Dean Dean. This probably is it love see when you know someone when there's time, when it's based on character when there's trust produces security test number six is work and individual love works for the other person or for their mutual benefit. Here she may study to make the other person proud of him or her. Their ambitions are spurred on the plan and save for the future, he or she may daydream, but the dreams are reasonably attained by contrast, and an actuated person may lose his ambition, his appetite, his interest, his affairs in everyday life. Here she may think of his own misery like just can't live without them. I haven't seen them in five minutes. They often daydream at the dreams are sometimes not limited or attainable, just given free reign at times.

The dreams become substitutes for reality and the individual lives in the world of his dreams.

I remember when my oldest boys were in their early 20s and we had a young man that was good friends with them. He hung out at our house and really neat young man and good looking guy big tall handsome guy and so he sorta became a part of our family and a lot of our food and hung out at our house and so one day he comes and says Mr. Ingram, Mr. Ingram love God and live a civil what's her name. I just met her, but I'm in love. And next week what happened.

I talked for like four hours on the phone I got my phone bill. You know, like a $300 this is for cell phones like a $300 phone bill and and then you know it he's like he knows are like my phone for like three weeks and then he comes in he says he can't believe I did this weekend because I got my car and I drove 11 hours to Phoenix because she lives in Phoenix. I knocked on the door and I had one rose piece of candy and said all I know is all I think about is you and I had to get back to work and I drove 11 hours. I got back in time 5 AM to go to work at six. The next weekend he drove again. But then he couldn't tear himself away and missed today's work he was convinced he was in love. Believe me, he was not the almost lost his job, see when you are acting irresponsibly and your emotions are driving your life, you may be deeply infatuated and the chemicals may be bursting in your brain, but is not love the Sabbath is a problem-solving test.

By the way, how you doing, at least mentally air bell. I love infatuation problem-solving. A couple of faces problems.

Frankly, attempts to solve them. If there are barriers to them getting married. These barriers are approached intelligently and removed and the ones that can't be removed. They may be circumvented with the knowledge that you're deliberately doing that. In other words, people who are in love relies while benefiting God to bring us together but boy our family backgrounds are different. You know what we got a lot of debt. Your school loan. My school loans you not you know you know a lot about the Bible. I don't know very much about the Bible you know your life. Vision seems there close but your conical in this way, I'm going that way you're like wanting to have like 19 kids and I'm not really big on kids a couple that's really in love gets all this things on the table and says you know what we need to be objective and reasonable and what is it me or we can work through these things. Can we work through them. When people were infatuated go something like this. I've been married three times you live with two different people you want.

19 kids.

I absolutely don't want any. I'm sure it's gonna work out because love covers everything right test number eight is distance love tends to be constant infatuation often varies with the distance between the couple. One of the greatest things happen in a relationship is a little window of distance you know when you're really in love. You keep writing you think about the person you keep the relationship up when you're infatuated, it starts to be a little out of sight out of mind because so much of what sustaining the relationship is how they look in physical attraction and in all the little buzz that you get.

I member my my youngest son. He was very direct with us. He said I know whom to marry okay and though we got to know her and and then she went full-time with campus Crusade to Sweden and I mean I watched him like this is and I mean they wrote and he was poor. Believe me, he saved up his money. Six months later he flew to Sweden.

I mean I watched him do a long distance relationship for year because he loved her. He was focused on her and she really mattered and he knew this was from God. See when distance causes your heart to Wayne is probably infatuation when distance calls you to begin to write and to communicate and think and use the distance to deal with issues. It's love test number nine physical attraction and involvement.

Physical attraction is a relatively smaller part of their total relationship about awake smaller part. Let's listen over spiritualized if there's no juices going toward this other person of there's not some attraction. I'm not sure what it is but it may not be from God that around groups that are so spiritual.

It's like we are lying and we have all these things in view.

And she loves God and I love God and and you sit with them and they dated for sometimes a year or more in their sexually pure and sometimes I sit down with the guys and so I mean I mean you get some passion and there will not really you not mirroring your sister, you know that's right. Okay I'm coming so we we had to be careful that the culture so out of balance are our biblical response can really get skewed. It's a relatively smaller part of the total relationship when a couples in love. It's a relatively greater part when there infatuated when a couples in love any physical contact tends to have meaning as well as be a pleasurable experience in and of itself, it tends to express what they feel toward one another. In other words, when you're in love. You want to guard the relationship until actually holding hands means something any progression in the showing of affection has to do with a greater and more significant commitment while remaining sexually pure when you're infatuated you just want to get as close and as much all the time. As you can. It's what drives the relationship infatuation the physical context tend to be an end in themselves.

It represents a pleasurable experience, but often devoid of meaning jotting you notes if you would second Samuel chapter 13 is a very interesting biblical picture of this David has a son and David also has a daughter of another wife. The daughter is named tame our and in the biblical usage she's hot, very attractive. Absolutely beautiful. His son just as infatuated overwhelmed with her beauty and he wants her and so he instead of going the right route instead of building a relationship instead of checking things out.

He comes up with this plan, along with her friend to pretend that he sick asked the sister to come in and bring some food for him. And if you read the story carefully.

He begins to take her physically and she says let's do this right. Talk to your father. I mean it dishonors God, it will dishonor me. It'll ruin our relationship and he doesn't listen and he rapes her and there's this amazing interesting line long before psychologist an interesting line is any had now the same level of hatred for her that he had and love before he raped her. See infatuation causes you to use people. The physical connection with a talk about that very specifically about the relationship and knowing the difference when love and sex in her next time together, but physical attraction involvement. It's normal. It's important, but it means one thing to those really in love and is it a progress.

We remain sexually pure and mean something totally different and becomes an end in itself when you're infatuated test number 10 very similar is in love, and expression of affection tends to come relatively later in the couple's relationship. In other words, there's time I want to get to know you want to see you with other people want to build a relationship is on the can begin to express affection until I as a basis for.

By contrast, and if in infatuation, it may come earlier and sometimes at the very beginning that usually the very beginning the test of stability. Love tends to endure infatuation may change suddenly unpredictably. I remember listening to Julia Roberts a number of years ago, being interviewed on unit entertainment tonight or TMC or something and she was so honest I mean it was a season where she was and all the tabloids and you know this partner in a different partner and did a movie and she loves this person and that person and she is the pretty woman and I just thought it was such an honest comment, because they were asking her she was well you know relationships can be very very hard and when I realizes that first year or so is the part I really like an inch and she was just honest contact sheet she made the statement she does.

I think I'm really in love with being in love and I just thought so perceptive. I wonder how many of us have so been skewed in our thinking that what were really in love with his being in love and intermarriages of all the buttons aren't firing if we don't have these emotional experiences were starting to privately question or ask do I still have the right person or if you're not married a money how many of us are really unconsciously or very consciously basing everything about is this the right person or who should I date really primarily on physical attractions and followed by is my brain kicking in and give me these euphoric feelings. See love is stable. Infatuation comes and goes like a bird that lands and then just takes off the final test of the test of delayed gratification a couple. Love is not indifferent to the effects of postponement of their wedding and they do not prolong the peer to postponement unless they see that it's wiser to wait a reasonable time.

They don't feel an almost irresistible drive toward haste.

When you're infatuated and you think this is the right person. When anybody puts a little roadblock like hey habits in premarital counseling or you know what there's some issues that get resolved or you want to come up with a financial plan or don't you think that your parents to be at least reasonably involved in this in no no we can't. It's gotta be now or love probably not. Infatuated couples can feel an urge toward getting married. Postponement is intolerable to them and they interpret it as a deprivation rather than a preparation and I'm mindful of the story of Jacob and it says he waited seven years to earn the right to marry Rachel and says it just flew by and it flew by because he loved her and was willing to wait. I do not recommend seven your engagements. By the way. Take your time process. Get good counsel will talk about some specific ways and then once you've done all the hard work and you allow the emotions to kick in and allow chemicals to go off based on the spiritual, social, psychological, God's leading did have a pretty short engagement is lots of bad things happen really long engagements, and then thank God for the gift that is given you all and ask if just coming honestly how you doing how you doing as I went through that as a married couple. Did you say you guys may I've kind of bought into testing the love in our relationship. A lot more. That's infatuation the love or fear here in your dating someone. Is it like one lady told me she walked up to me at airport and she goes into that book, love, sex, lasting relationships exit yeah she was I read that. Thank you very much. I civil why you know that chapter on the swing, love and sex in several. Yeah, she was loved and married twice.

I was in a relationship. I was goo goo gaga all that stuff. Brain cells IQ dropping in and I read that and I went through and 10 of the 12 things were infatuation not love.

She said I broke off the relationship. I've stepped back. I'm getting whole personally and I and she meant.

She said so how come you didn't get this to me. Two marriages ago, to which I said I'm sorry but you understand, think, think carefully as a parent of preteens and teens, college ministry, young professional, your mate died. You're divorced during that 40 to 50 range and you say, and I believe there's someone for me. Now you believe that infatuation is love. You will be a part of that next percentage of people with an excellent doesn't work out, or you'll be a part of that great population of people that wow marriage is great for the first two years and then that window between your three in year six and it requires love, not infatuation, you'll see this happen. God has better okay so let me give you some ways to nurture the kind of love that is given is are you ready how to improve your love life on the back page and notice our picture. You might want to at the very top. You know, just write the word God. You might on the triangles put the man on one side. The woman on the other.

We know you might put a arrow of the man and the woman God's goal in marriage is oneness, it's intimacy of spirit, mind, body and soul and you see that in the in the center of it is you. God want you to experience love. Now the basis of love. What allows you to love in both ways is agape love being dearly loved by God. Walk in love and then the Eros. Love is a very important part of gods the sexual attraction. The candle lights.

The weekends away the négligées that all the good stuff all right. And the walks the talks, the boardgames the popcorn the movies. The walking and mauled all so over here we have Pelayo love best friends over here we have Eros love passionate lovers in here brothers and sisters living under the word of God. So let me be two suggestions if you are a single keep your emotions and physical involvement behind your leading from God and commitment to the other person. Keep your emotional and physical involvement. So if we would go back to the to the triangle God's way spiritual. They really walk with God.

In fact, love God more than me social how they treat other people. What's their behavior before we start dating psychological I want to really know them. Their hearts are sold or minder personality. Now all those things lineup the Holy Spirit given you green like being let your emotions kicking see where God takes and save the full expression of God's design because the marriage that is holy now, but this is a choice. By the way doesn't mean you don't have those feelings.

You have to share. You have to act on.

You have the talent you can't hold him when I met Teresa those feelings went off the first time I saw her, I can tell you the color of her dress. She had hair down to hear I was walking into a college campus looking for a job as was getting too cold to lay bricks. She walked out and my first thought guys Lord if she is not a Christian and I found out she was a believer and I Artie decided not everything I've talked about how not to be relationships not already done is dysfunctional and it wouldn't work so I decided I was not married just a Christian or data Christian data Christian that love God more than me. That was passion about living the life it's because I tried all that other stuff but I'm not going to deny when I saw her was like all my lands being well for the next year, I took those emotions I sent them over here and said that I thought she's believer that if not she really walk with God and then we had big problems to face the first one was she been married for the second one why she had these two little kids were two years old. The third was I was very poor before was I had people telling me that God would never use my life.

I married her. The fit was I wasn't really sure what what God said about divorce and remarriage when someone's been abandoned that had adultery.

Those were real problems. It took me a year to observe her life to work through all those and then together almost another year to deal with those until God gives a green light but I kept my emotions that she will tell you it was semi-ridiculous.

I like when little overboard. Probably know I did.

Our dates were she play the guitar. We would sing worship songs read the Bible and pray together and after a number of months because I'm I mean I'm I don't want to mess up these kids. I want to break her heart and I know how passionate I am.

We start down the trails not can be good. And so later on she tells the story the most affectionate thing Chip did as we were processing this was. He got up and he must've felt very affectionate and he he tapped me on the head as he left she she's going to her room want this guy is not something I'm praying for a husband and he were singing worship songs and praying, but I knew I knew how not to do relationship and you want to. Pretty excited with the result if you're married word to the married love requires the nourishment of all three kinds of love examine which of your mates needs most, and then choose to give that as an act of worship. Examine which one of the kinds of love above does your mate need and then as a choice as an act of worship you give it let me just this is a general principle, don't take this to the bank. It's not always true in general, when I talk to men were done counseling. Most men are saying the Eros part of our relationship is not really what I like to be.

Most women say the Pelayo part of our relationship isn't really what I want to be so mannered, engaged in their work and women are engage with working kids and it's often it goes like you know she would really be more affectionate. I step up and be the man in the house. Well, you know, until I'm nurtured love and care for you know, how can I be responsive at 10 or 1030 at night when you hear years we haven't talked I got all the kids.

I also work. You know what he has initiated two days later he think I'm attracted to.

Are you kidding, you know, why should I read bedtime stories come home for dinner. Be the super dad when you know what I feel like I'm a monk. Most men will tell Ulysses in 17 days it's been six days he's been 93 days they know when the last time but had physical union with her wife. Okay. And so becomes a sort of unspoken standoff often is not communicated. Let me give you some specific ways to nurture Eros love nurtured have a date night once we go on a date hygiene. I mean everyone after they get divorced what they do you go to the gym and get in shape go there now eat better now shave now use deodorant. Now it's a serious outcome. All the you come home to your mate if it's like you know sweatpants and no everyone's dressed up at work and you come home and your wife looks like well I mean you love her, but one of the greatest things Teresa did all of her married life is up or when I came home. She looked great. She actually prepared for when I got home and it has been a huge help to me so nonsexual touching guys every time you touch your wife that you think so brothers the sex maniac again. She wants to be nurtured and loved.

Make it a priority.

Everyone wants everything to be so spontaneous and wonderful set a night a week. If you have kids figure out what to do with the kids and Elise. You both know once a week.

You can have something to look forward to less nonspontaneous will house it compared to what your current romantic life is like, I'll leave you with that one, and then plan a weekend away that there is this something that happens when you get away from work and kids and get away were God allows you to really connect the Eros level in terms of the Pelayo take walks, talks, find something a hobby or something you do together and discuss hard issues sit down to do the finances together, play some table games, throw on some popcorn and watch an old movie getaway together do things that nurture the relationship now. You will feel like that but never love is not a feeling correct. Infatuation is a feeling, and so what you need a supernatural power you need.

Agape love to choose to give the other person what they need the most when they deserve it the least it.

So here's a few suggestions to develop agape love you personally begin to get into God's word because there's no power apart from his word, the spirit living in you as a follower of Christ needs the raw material God's word to translate the written word to the living word that bursts conviction that the spirit uses to change your life. No word, no power second pray for your mate. The things you really want to see change. Nagging. How's that working or hinting honey, I think. A lot of chocolates all she's really gonna love you now preform what you want to see happen in life. Ask God to work in them. Pray together, forgive them, some of the big barriers you want to be connected you to want to talk because the truth is known. This happened this happened this happened. This happened in your bearing a grudge get a release and you get to forget him as God has forgiven you so freely forgive and that's the beginning you get in God's word. You begin to talk.

You begin to pray, you begin to pray together. You begin to say you know coming to worship as a priority for our family got a work back I came across something that this is so good I'm gonna finish with this little article is very, very brief. It's about a man he said I made about myself as we were driving for the vacation beach cottage there for two weeks I would try to be a loving husband and father. Totally loving know it's know about the idea came to me as I was driving in my car and listening to someone teach on the radio were he quoted the passage that to love your wife is to love her in understanding way and then he said love is an act of the will.

A person can choose to love and then a moment of sort of honesty. He says to myself I had to admit that I've been a selfish husband. Their love had dulled by my own insensitivity and often in petty ways, like insisting that the TV channel that we watch as the one that I want you throwing a day old paper way that I know she still wanted to read well for two weeks. All that would change and I did it right from the moment I kissed Evelyn at the door and said that new yellow sweater looks great on you. I mean he'd been out of town. She been with the kids at the cottage all time. You notice she said, surprised and pleased. Maybe little perplexed after the long drive to want to sit and read Evan suggest we walk on the beach I started to refuse but then I thought Evelyn's been here alone with the kids all week and now she wants a long time with me. We walked on the beach while the children flew kites.

So it went to weeks of not calling the Wall Street investment firm more of a director of visit to the Shell Museum. I usually hate museums, I actually enjoyed holding my tongue when Evelyn made us late for the dinner date like normal relaxed and happy.

That's how the whole vacation went and I made a vow to keep remembering to choose love and my relationship there's one thing that went terribly wrong with my experiment, Ellen. I still laugh about it today on the last night at our cottage preparing for bed.

Evelyn stared at me with the saddest expression I've ever seen what's the matter I asked Tom her voice filled with distress. You know something I don't what you mean will that check I had several weeks ago. Her doctor did he did he tell you something about me Tom Tom you been so good to me in my dying. It took a moment for it to sink in, and I burst out laughing, no honey you're not dying I'm just starting to be back with his just a quick reminder this message you know if your love is from his series, love, sex, and lasting relationship in these messages strictures the candid truth about romance sex the way God designed it and true love because we long to love and be loved. This series will help you discover God's way to make a good match grow in intimacy and build a love that lasts a lifetime for a limited time, resources for love, sex, and lasting relationships are discounted.

The MP3s are always free to order your copy or to send it to a friend visit us online at http://livingontheedge.org or tap special offers on the app for additional information. Just give us a call at triple late. 333-6003 will chip in the series you're talking about God's prescription for love, sex, and lasting relationships. There's a ton of great teaching and every message but if you had to boil it down. Would you see as the key to what makes this series so helpful.

Dave what I know is there's many very committed people that love God with all their heart and whether they're single or single again and they want have a great relationship with a godly person and they wanted to last. What they normally don't have is a plan with good structure. Once our emotions get involved with another person. Once the attraction takes over. Most of us drop you know our IQ by 30 or 40 points and then we move according to our emotions instead of a structured plan that God's wisdom can provide what this book will do chapter by chapter essay. This is the world's model. This is God's model. Here's the next step.

Here's a test to know if your love.

Here's some things to avoid. Here's some very practical things to do, so that you end up with the right person in the right kind of relationship to get God's very best. There's something about reading and going through a book doing it alone, but then doing it together they can really make a difference. Chip the practical steps you just mentioned are one of the things that make your teaching so powerful clinics over a limited time. All the series resources are discounted, including the book. It's our desire to get this resource into the hands of as many people as possible so we hope you'll take advantage of the discounts today. Maybe get a copy for yourself to read with your kids or grandkids maybe want to give to a parent you know you could use a little help getting the conversation started with their kids for all the details, visit us online at http://livingontheedge.org tap special offers on the app or give us a call at triple late. 333-6003 that's AAA 333-6003 well here's trip with a final thought.

I am sure that as you listened to the last story that I share during the teaching time about the executive, the just chooses, he just decides I'm gonna love my wife in a way that really makes sense to her, and does all these things he knows intellectually mean something to her, but you know are really not attracted to him and she feels so loved.

I love that line.

This is a true story where she says am I going to die. Here's what I want you to get love is a choice. I love all the good feelings when they're there but the fact of the matter.

It's when they're not there or waiting on them to come is why so many couples are dissatisfied.

What I want you to know is that even Jesus in his love for us.

It was a choice that he didn't feel like at the time. Remember what he prayed father if there's any other way. Nevertheless, not my will but yours God so loved the world Jesus so loved that he gave what I want you to know and what I want you to apply today in your relationship is to make a choice and decide rather than waiting for my wife or my husband, my girlfriend or my boyfriend to start acting differently.

I want you today to say you know something privately. I'm going to choose to love them, and right now if I gave you a napkin in a pan, you could write down the top three things that make your mate really feel loved, will do them do one today one tomorrow on the next day I had to learn this the hard way had major struggles in our marriage. I had to go to Christian counseling.

I got a lot of help, but then I decided to make some choices that I knew what would communicate love it just didn't make sense to me. I mean things like, just listening and talking so we did that.

After dinner with her I felt like it or not, my wife knew that if we had a date planned on the schedule. So once a week I put on the schedule.

We had a date when I felt like it. We had a day when I didn't feel like it, but we did it. I started doing things that were just like, what's this got to do with love. I get out the vacuum cleaner or empty the garbage right put away my clothes were. I offered to help with the homework. I'm thinking that doesn't have anything to do with love will guess what it did to my wife. I just chose to do it as an offering to God and what I can tell you is our relationship dramatically changed and my wife for reasons I don't fully understand felt a greater freedom to love and communicate to me in ways that were meaningful to me man can I encourage you to take the initiative. Ladies can I encourage you to make your list and love your husband in a way that makes sense to him and trust that God as we wrap up I want to thank each of you is making this program possible through your generous giving 100% of your gifts are going directly to the ministry to help Christians really live like Christians a few fellowships teaching to be helpful, which are not yet on the team.

Would you consider doing that today to donate. Just go to LivingontheEdge.org tap donate on the up or give us a call at triple late. 333-6003, let me thank you in advance for whatever the Lord leads you to do one selects time for everyone here is really saying thanks for listening to this addition of living on the