Effective Parenting in a Defective World - How to Raise Positive Kids in a Negative World, Part 1

One of the biggest challenges parents have today is how do we raise positive kids in such a negative world will today help you learn how to become an effective parent and a defective stay with welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with children Living on the Edges of international discipleship ministry between the Bible teacher, you're just starting a family are raising kids in the challenging teen you are having grandkids the next several programs are practical tools and biblical guidelines for parroting through the tough times were in right now if you have to miss a program that your finger map is a great way to catch up.

Every program is loaded with teaching you don't want to miss. So here's just now with part one of his message how to raise positive kids in a negative world. Well, without a doubt, these are very, very difficult days to raise kids, I will never forget the phone call received a number of years ago that was Tyler's dad and other end of the phone.

He said we found Tyler lying on the floor of his bedroom. Instead, and I've known a bit of the journey. Tyler was a really bright likable kid got in with the wrong crowd and these are a mom and dad with good jobs to go to Bible believing church there seeking to raise their kids in a way that they think honors God. They figured their kids have a few ups and downs as all kids do get in with the wrong crowd doesn't some experimentation. They discovered they go through rehab. They work through some things I do family counseling Tyler's okay and then a moment of weakness.

He has a relapse. Get some bad heroin gone that for me change is a pastor that really changed the dynamic of parenting. The stakes are so high when a lot of you grew up you could make a few small mistakes and there were some consequences but nothing like that and now your kid can click on a site. Make a wrong decision be at the wrong place at the wrong time getting bullied at school. There is a world that makes it very very difficult to be an effective parenting and a very defective world.

Psalm 127 says children are a gift in the Lord and then goes on to say that there your great reward.

My experiences the stewardship that you have of raising a child is the most sacred important stewardship of your life. Your children will be your greatest challenge.

The be your greatest joy though be your greatest pain and then thrall the process God's desires there. Your great reward.

As you open your notes out like you to follow along were starting a new series called effective parenting in the defective world and I think one of the things I hear from parents, especially when things get a bit hard is what you know we had these issues when I was a kid and we unconsciously think that the world your kid is growing up in is a lot like your world and let me tell you it's completely different. The shift of morality in the last 10 years alone. The shift of disintegration in the family, the culture, the educational system the world that they live in the landscape underneath your kids is moving so rapidly.

You really need need to be on your a game and really understand God's plan of how to cooperate with it is your kids are living in a world that moves fast is bombarding them and is more evil than in the past and so parents challenges not to protect your kid and create some bubble that you know they can never get hurt. But your challenge is to discover how to help your child navigate through this world deeply anchored in God's love, understanding his or her purpose in becoming a change agent in the world and discovering that God really wants to use them to change the world not necessarily be protected from as you look at Scripture. The world may be difficult, but it's always been difficult at times much worse in one of most difficult periods of all human history. God decided that he would use a teenager to bring into this world.

Mary, 14, 15, maybe 16 years old and one of the most perverted cultures Persia. Daniel was a teenager and was at the heart of changing the future of the world. David as a teenage boy when all was going against Israel tackled a giant and I could go on and on and on.

We have great hope we have a great God. He is greater he is stronger.

These powerful but you and I have a job as a parent to equip our kids to be those kind kids and so the big question.

I think parents are asking how do you raise positive kids in the negative world.

I get four principles that help you raise positive kids and negative world. Here's what you need understand it if I could just sort of have an overarching let's talk about parenting. These are big timeless principles you apply these.

If you have two-year-old you can apply these.

If you have 22-year-old you climb differently. By the way. Principle number one. Effective parenting begins with positive clear-cut objectives, positive clear-cut objectives in your note to let you make a little squiggly line with an arrow and then draw a little circle with some circles inside of it and make a target to parenting begins with having a crystal-clear target. If you don't know what you're aiming at. My father always told me to hit it every time. So what's the target what's the goal what you trying to do as you nurture, develop, provide boundaries in the life of your little boy little girl were not so little boy or girl. What's the target what you trying to accomplish. Ephesians 6 Ford gives us the answer and I love and the Phillips translation notices his father's negative command.

Don't overcorrect your children or make it difficult for them to obey the commandment positive command bring them up with Christian teaching in Christian discipline. Notice it says in parenting, dad, you need to have a strong influential role. The number one correlation between about eight or 10 worst things are happening in our culture are all related to either passive or father absent homes. I don't understand all that's why God designed so we as men have to understand you don't do it all, but we gotta be actively involved in then it warns us that when we get actively involved. We tend to overcorrect we tend to come on a little too strong positively says bring them up with Christian teaching Christian discipline underlined, bring them up and put a box around Christian teaching in a box around Christian discipline. The word bring them up in the ancient Greek was the physical development of a child classical Greek literature you would read this word it would be that the strength and the physical development of a child and later Greek literature. It meant the total education of a child. The moral, physical, relational, spiritual development, what you need to do to nurture or bring them up or develop them. By the time the apostle Paul uses this word. He's basically saying as a Christian.

Your goal is to not overcorrect but, by contrast, spiritually and morally relationally and physically help them become who God wants them to become.

And then he says you have two tools in your toolbox give Christian teaching and Christian discipline will develop these further Christian teaching is what you say, it's what you teach.

It's what you instruct informally and formally. Christian discipline is what you do, other than modeling the life you only do two things with you kid you say certain things and you do certain things and so he says that's the target. I call this the principle of focus. My biggest concern with parents and believe me I have four grown kids. We had many ups and downs. I came from alcoholic home.

My wife came from alcoholic home to all and to tell you I had no clue about how to do what I'm to tell you but I passionately dug in and ask God to show me in the biggest danger. I always had was parenting out of fear I live in places that were really dangerous. I lived in places that I just described my kids live there but God says parenting out of fear doesn't work need to parent out of focus.

A clear target. So what's the target I like to challenge you to think about God's dream versus what I call the human dream or the American dream or our personal dream for kids God's dream. You can write down Romans 829 we often quote verse 28. Especially when you're going through hard times for we know that God works all things together for the good for them.

The loving for those that are called according to his purpose. The very next verse talks about the process that uses in his goal is to conform your sons and your daughters to the image of Christ. In other words, God's dream are you ready this is how simple you want your kids to be like Jesus. He wants them to be Christlike. The Bible word that we don't use a lot.

He wants them to be holy, not holy, as in weird.

Okay, not holy, as in they just don't how to relate to people holy. As in, set apart for him morally pure understanding his love counter to the culture that is the target for your child. Now human and especially American culture. The target is for your child to be successful and happy and and this isn't just out there. This is this is us the culture to. We are bombarded with.

If you really are a good parent. You want your kids to be happy. So that's why you give them happy meals right and they deserve a break today, and if all their friends are getting to do something you don't want them to be left out because they wouldn't be happy. You want them to be happy happy happy happy happy and so you don't hurt their feelings. And you don't want to and you been bought and you've been sold a bill of goods. It says good parents make your kids happy in the way you understand happiness is not just emotional happiness but they'll be happy if there be successful. And so if you have a three-year-old is not enough soccer league.

You need to get with the program and you know they need to learn piano and guitar and better check out and see if Valley might be part of what they should do and then there on this team and hopefully to make the traveling team and by six grade. Need to get a SAT tutor and no really be happy if I get a really good I mean not just a good university, but a great university and and so if you would take all the time and energy and money that you spend helping your child be successful in athletics and in sports and in school and all the money and time and energy you spend it their moral and spiritual development. You tell me in your own parenting journey. Where does the energy go and here's what I can tell you if your child has a passionate love for God and they become a holy and they become other centered, in kind, and discipline and non-narcissistic and care for people that other people don't care for, and the other centered and have a passion to love and walk with God. I will guarantee beyond happiness still have joy and have impact and the purpose, but many of you could tell me the story not pastored for little over 30 years. I kid I could read a list of who's who of kids that are extraordinarily successful from really good Christian homes that they went away to college and you know what they don't care about God and they don't care about you and they care about themselves and you know what, in your greatest and most sincere intentions to make him happy happy happy they got the weird idea that the whole world was about them. And whenever they're not happy.

The life's not fair and in their little superficial faith that they had of it.

God didn't make them happy and he didn't come through with a get mad at him and we got a generation about 70% of those coming out of our Bible teaching churches for five years after college. Don't really have anything to do with God.

And we wonder why effective parenting begins with the crystal clear target.

Your job as a parent more than their success more than their happiness is to help them be holy and that requires a lot of courage requires intentionality, requires a plan and by the way, it's not easy and you not only be unpopular with unbelievers. You'll be unpopular with a lot of Christians, but there's a great reward and amazing reward principle number one. Boy oh boy, you know what you guys can we just stop for minute what I just shared your thinking a minute.

This is beginning this series on like a really big problem.

Lemme tell you there's great hope and that's part of why were doing it and part of why you have to get some other parents and part of why we have to support one another. I mean, at some point, shouldn't we, look at the quality of what's happening in the lives in the homes and the children that were producing who love God and say probably what were doing is not working. Second principle second principle.

Effective parenting demands that we practice what we preach that we practice what we preach.

The apostle Paul is writing to a church that's near and dear to him.

The Corinthians, but they are a group.

It's kind of hard to have a lot of struggles have a lot of dysfunctions and a lot of baggage and have a lot of sort of super apostles that are coming in and coming out in and telling me to live this way and I live that way and so he writes a very personal letter to them talking about. Look, I'm your spiritual father. Okay, this a lot of people tell you stuff on your spiritual father in the midst of all this confusion I want you to listen to me very, very carefully, and so he writes as a father to spiritual children and I think there's a great application for us as parents its first Corinthians 414 to 16.

He says I'm not writing this to Shane you, but to warn you as my dear children, another this is from a warm heart. He's not down on even though you have 10,000 guardians in Christ you do not have many fathers for in Christ Jesus, I became your father to the gospel numbers I care for you more than anyone else. I was the conduit of God's grace that brought spiritual birth. Now here's the application. Therefore, I urge you to imitate me and if you just put a little word put right the word mimic MI MIC above it and you now know one Greek word that's the word mimic, imitate descent want you to pray the way you saw me praying want you to work the way you saw me working want you to forgive people what you solemnly forgive people how much you to passionately follow Christ. What you saw me do it. I want you to use your money and your time and your energy go with just mimic me, follow me as I follow Christ. See you can't impart what you don't possess the most important principle of all parenting. You can almost mess up in every area but if you are what you want your kids to become. Here's the deal.

They're going to be for better or worse a lot like you. Jesus stated in Luke 640 of student when he's fully trained will be just like his teacher, here's what you need to get for some of you this to be really really helpful. Our junior high, our children's ministry, a Christian school that you may send your kid to a mentoring group. A small group Christian coach, why, when she knows all those people were wonderful, tiny little helpers.

But the teacher of your child is you the person that God will hold responsible for what did your child learn and what they receive is not the church, not a Bible study leader, not a school it's you and here's the research. My background was in all the social sciences and what one of the great heroes of research was a guy name Albert Bandura and all of his work was in the area of what he called modeling the number one and most powerful socialization of a child is modeling and that psychology speak for you talk like your mom and dad eat like your mom and dad. Your values are like your mom and dad to be prejudiced like your mom and dad to be passionate about. Like new mom and dad your kids in your home. The environment of your home and your life is the most powerful thing your kids even in their teen years. Even in their young adulthood. You are the most powerful influence or you have to be what you want them to become. If you don't get anything out of this whole series seat when I do that I start thinking myself oh my that's scary. I mean is that I mean if you played out what I want my kids to forgive people the way I don't forgive people what I want my kids to drive a car. The way I drive my car what I want my kids to have those white lies on the phone like tell them I'm not here. The way I have white lies on the phone what I want my kids to handle their priorities and money the way I handle my priorities and money. Here's the deal, they will. I came across in an ancient quote it's anonymous it says let every father. Remember that one day his son will follow his example instead of his advice. Right is the principle of modeling more really is caught than taught someone of the things that has motivated me as a parent and I didn't know what I was doing but I got motivated. I you have these mental pictures and this is a different picture right I lying on my kids up on the couch when they were small and and I basically heard myself say okay I want you to drive exactly the way you see me drive. I want you to spend time with God and pray the way you see me spend time with God. I want you to deal with people say bad things about you.

I want you to. Are you ready to respond to what you see me respond and all the sudden I just went to those areas.

It was the greatest motivation to walk with God and be a man of God and by the way, just before you get into be perfect and I'm not perfect like you to turn up. Believe me you're not perfect they already know that you know what they need to learn they need to learn how to be authentic and loving and in how they learn that is when you're driving away that you realize all my when you stuff comes out of your mouth you go all that is not what I want to come out of their mouth. You know what you do you own it and I cannot tell you hundred times even when they were small. I have to get down on one knee and you know look on my kids in the eye and say what you did was wrong and I love you but I can't accept that behavior.

We don't do that here, but I love you, but how daddy corrected you the way his voice got loud and the anger that you could feel I was wrong.

We you forgive me see your your kids learn to walk with God. Not that you have it all together they see where you make great progress, and they see how you deal with that when you fail so they understand how to receive forgiveness to own their stuff when they fail because they will, there's a target that has to be crystal clear.

I want my kids to be holy like Christ. My energy my plan my intentionality meet some of you have plans for the academics own journey to their sophomore year we have visiting colleges yet or you want to be a good athlete. My lands you know we don't have a personal coach. Aetna strength trainer and nutrition drinks and lifting weights and right and because I gotta make the traveling team they got about scholarship make.

I mean you have a plan and your many of you your whole life revolves around either academics or sports or sick. What if you all you want to do is produce athletes or musicians.

Great for people to get in good schools.

But what does it profit a child if he gains the whole world and forfeit his or her horse soul to become successful spiritual washouts with parents whose hearts are broken, who don't have relationship to question and wonder why in the world went wrong. Principle number three the target is clear.

The teacher is you. But all learning happens in an environment principle number three is affected parents build relationships that bond you want to have superglue between your heart and the heart of your child, you're going to go through difficult times. The world is going to bombard them they can have peer influences can be all kind of technology that can be bullied to get to be afraid that you have different personalities you could have one that's compliant and you can sort look at him like that in the soul. Yes, whatever you say, mom or dad, you could have one that doesn't matter what you say you ground them for 35 years, whatever you did and I just look at is that all you got. You have difficulty so what you want to do is you want to build and and by the way, it's never ever ever ever too late, but it's most most most effective when you start as early as possible. You want to build relationships with your kids that bond your heart to their heart because what you want to do is not want to disappoint you because they know you love them and they love you instead of some set of rigid rules and performance orientation that they need to measure up.

The apostle Paul gives us a picture of these kind of relationships as he talks to church and literally from Scripture tells us this is how a mother's love and this is how fathers love first Thessalonians chapter 2, he says that we were gentle among you, how like a mother circle the word mother caring for her little children. He says this is how we treated you.

We love you so much that were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God, not just the content, not the truth but our own lives as well.

Why because you had become so dear to us, which underline the word gentle, caring love, share dear to us.

Did he say we loved you and this is how a child needs a mother's love.

There's a tenderness there's a nurturing there's a commitment there's a pouring out your life that builds relationships that bond will be right back with his application quickly though the message you just heard is from his series effective parenting in a defective world. Raising kids is a challenge.

No doubt appears in the culture exert constant pressure on them and you in this series chip helps you see how God's principles for raising children still work today the series is packed with practical advice and gives you a larger vision for your child's future insensible help for what you're facing right now for limited time all the resources for effective parenting are discounted, including the book in the small group video study. Check out the details@livingontheedge.org Special offers on the app or give us a call at triple late. 333-6003 will chip effective parenting is one of your most popular series was made a huge difference with thousands of people as they've done the series with you. What's one of the biggest takeaways you heard from people.

Thanks Dave.

As I teach this, I have to tell you the big aha. I've taught this series a number of times both in this country and around the world and at the break all the parents come up and they will look me in the eye and go wow I came here to really get some tools to help me become a good parent, but I think this is for me more than my kids, and is true is that. I mean, I let my kids are not going to drive differently than me.

They're knocking to love God more than me.

Then I could be more discipline than me not to be more selfless than me and so parents just lean back for just a minute and realize that the greatest thing you can ever do for your kids is to be a man or woman of integrity that walks with God and can I just tell you before you get overwhelmed with a 000 but I have so many struggles and I have made so many mistakes and I know I'm not the Christian that I want to be that I'm supposed to be. No one can do that alone. And the reason that we've created effective parenting in a defective world in a small group format is so you can go through this journey with other people, other mom's other dads other single parents that realize while I'm struggling with my anger. I'm really struggling with discipline in this area and as you sit in a room together and begin to share hearts and share God's word God's spirit will work in you all together to make a real difference. God uses these principles to help parents raise positive kids in a negative world.

If you have never done this series can I encourage you get a handful of people and digging together. It's our sincere desire to help families experience the daily victories and joy that come from doing life God's way. That's why were unapologetically encouraging you to gather a handful of parents to do effective parenting together we get that it's gotta be safe, but you can do it even if it's meeting online to receive free online streaming just order the study guide DVDs are available to preview the teaching and see the study guide go to LivingontheEdge.org and whether you go, the video route or get the book. Both are discounted for limited time, you'll find everything you're looking for@livingontheedge.org when you Special offers on the app or just give us a call at AAA 333-6003 will be sure to join us again next time. When Chip continues his series effective parenting defective world. Until then, this is a very thing.

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