How to Build a Strong Family - How to Build a Strong Family

In a recent survey of college seniors, 94 percent said their greatest desire was to be married and have a strong family. Here's the question. How do you build a strong family? That's today on Living on the Edge.

Well, thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, Chip Saar, Bible teacher on this International Discipleship Ministry. And I'm Dave Drury. Well, on this program, Chip unrolls the blueprint for how to build a strong family. Shows us how to do it. Following God's instructions from Deuteronomy, Chapter six. Now, just before we jump in, let me encourage you to try using Chip's message notes while you listen.

They've got his outline and all his scripture references to help you get the most out of today's teaching. How to do that? Just go to the broadcast's tab at Living on the Edge dot org or tap fill in notes on the app. Well, now here's Chip with his message. How to build a strong family.

I did not grow up in a strong family. I grew up in an alcoholic family. And so I thought the only way to really make a good family is to marry someone who came from an alcoholic family so that we would have lots of dysfunction to get started. I'm teasing. I didn't grow up as a follower of Christ. I never open the Bible until I was 18. I honestly thought most Christians were crazy. And then I met some that didn't talk about it but lived it out. And their love for one another convinced me that I should explore the New Testament. A little bit later. Jesus became the Lord of my life and I very imperfectly followed him. And I wanted a family and I met Teresa. I learned early on that Teresa had been married before, before she was a Christian. Her husband found out he could make more money selling drugs. And she. He departed with another woman to another state. She found herself with two little babies, no husband, no income. And in the midst of that, her boss led her to the Lord. I share that because I met her about two and a half years later. We had an interesting courtship, to say the least. And we got married and the first three weeks was great. We didn't have a clue, we had no premarital counseling. All I knew is she loved God. I love God. We wanted to have a great family. I love these two little boys. God gave me the chance to adopt them later, but we didn't know what we were doing. We're gonna talk about God's prescription for a strong family. Now, we've got 38 years under our belt now. We've had major marriage issues during that time. We've had major children issues during that time. And I share that because, one, God needs to get the credit. But we have all kinds of different families, all kinds of different people. He wants to give you hope. He's going to give you a very clear prescription.

But when a doctor gives you a prescription, if you don't follow it, you don't see the healing and the restoration. And so we're going to look at God's prescription.

I learned three things in my study. If you please open your notes. I want to highlight two or three things that, you know, every time I get to talk about family, I think of the miracle that is done in my life. I've got four grown kids now and they have married ones that love the Lord. They're raising their kids. And and the trajectory of their family is so different. But Tristen, I got to be people that broke the chain of alcoholism and broke the chain of dysfunction. And it was hard and it was intentional. But it's great. And God wants that for all of us. And so what I learned is that everyone wants a family. Everyone wants a great family. All of us long for a family where you're accepted, you're loved. You can mess up, you get forgiven, you're connected. There's fun, there's joy you appreciated. There's unity. There's people that hold you up when you mess up and when you're sick. We all long for that.

We don't just long for it. But second, we need it. Family is a God given institution. Families nurture and protect children. I mean, the world is really changing. But the institution committed, designed by God for kids is the family. Family shape the mental, emotional, moral and sexual identity of kids. Everyone in this room. We're a product of our family of origin. What happened or didn't happen? Whether we had a mom or a dad or one or none, what they thought, what they believed, how they talked to one another, what they said to us, we're all a product of that. And for those of us that are parents, we're shaping our kids families. So the training ground for values and virtues.

And finally, dysfunctional families correlate with low education, poverty, drug use, alcoholism, violence and imprisonment. And if you want to put a little asterisk somewhere on your notes. Right. The role of the father. It's amazing. I did a master's thesis on the impact of fathers and families because I was adopting these two kids and I knew I didn't have a clue. And if you've ever been in graduate school thesis and all those papers are a pain, so I thought I'd better write it on something that I really need. And the secular research says that fathers are the primary shaper of the moral development of children. Fathers are the primary shaper of the sexual identity of little boys and little girls and mothers and fathers equally shape. The self identity in terms of self image. 70 to 80 percent of all the urban children in America grow up without a father. Many of them don't even know who he is, 30 to 40 percent of all American children, as they're growing up, will not have a father in the family. The clearest correlation between poverty, violence, imprisonment, domestic violence on women is either a absent or a passive father. And there is one group on the face of the earth that is commanded to love each other and to love our enemies and to model a family ideal that's real, that can bring life and healing and restoration. And, you know, mate like it. But you're the answer. And I'm the answer. And so when we talk about strong families, this just isn't. Are you going to be happy and fulfilled? And are you going to find the right mate? And are your kids going to turn out right or is a second marriage going to work? I want all that.

But it's bigger than that. This is this. This is the future. And as the family continues to disintegrate, the only people that can bring about change is us.

Now, here's the good news.

There was a study done by a pair of doctors. Husband and wife doctors, and they spent 25 years and they studied fourteen thousand strong families. And they found that these strong families had six common characteristics. And as you look at this list, I'll highlight it. These characteristics are available for all of us. Strong families are characterized by these six things. One, a commitment to the family. There's a dedication to the welfare and the happiness with a high degree of commitment to every person in the family. Second, the expression of appreciation to each other. They give positive messages to one another. They build each other up psychologically. They express sincere compliments and express positive messages of affirmation early and often. Third, they have positive communication skills. They spend. Are you ready for this large amount of time talking with each other? They are good listeners. They have conflict and they do fight, but they don't attack each other and have learned alternatives to resolve it for. They spend a lot of time together, quality time in generous quantities, and they structure their lifestyle. So the family spend significant time with one another. Number five, they have a high degree of spiritual well-being. There is a sense that this families want to follow God and it gives meaning and purpose and priority to their lives. And finally, they have a special ability to cope in stress and crisis. They balance difficult times with the positive things that can come out of it. They support one another. And when a family member is going through it, people lay aside their agendas and get around that family member and help him get through it. Those six things can be a part of a single. A blended.

A mom and dad, a first marriage. People that have been married 10 years, 30 years or two months. Here's my question. Would you like to have a family that those six characteristics are?

Yeah, that's ours. God has a prescription. Open your notes and we're gonna go to the passage that clearly describes the what of an of a family that has those characteristics as the outcomes. And what we have is Deuteronomy Chapter six, where Moses is speaking and teaching to this next generation. This is the command. In fact, the word is singular, namely the statutes, the judgments, the precepts that the Lord, your God has given me, Moses, to teach you why. So that you might follow or obey him in the land which you're crossing over to the Jordan to possess. Well, why? So that your son and your grandson may fear and worship the Lord, your God, with all filled reverence and profound respect to keep and actively do his statutes and commandments, which I'm commanding you all the days of your life. But. Or why? So that your days might be prolonged. Therefore, listen o Israel and be careful to do them well. Why. So that it may go well with you, that you may increase and multiply in numbers of the Lord. The God of your fathers has promised you in a land flowing with milk and honey. What is the command here. Oh, Israel.

The Lord is our God. The Lord is one the only God.

You shall love the Lord, your God with all your heart, your mind, your soul and your strength, your entire being. These words. This truth. This Scripture. That I'm commanding you today shall be written on your heart and mind, you shall teach them diligently to your children, impressing God's precepts on their minds and penetrating their hearts with his truths. And you shall speak of them when you sit up in your house and when you walk on the road and when you lie down and when you get up, you shall bind them as a sign on your hand or forearm and they shall be used as banners and Frontalot on your head and you shall write them on the doorpost of your house and on your gates. And so he's saying, look, here's how you build a great family for the future. It's called the SHIMAA. And the first truth is there is one God.

And he created all that there is. And he wants to be deeply, intimately related to you and your kids and your grandkids and their kids.

Second is a command what to do something different?

You parents love the Lord, your God, how totality, your heart, your mind, your soul, your strength, and then what do you do then? I want you to teach them formally to your children and then not just sort of like at a at a meeting or an event, but I mean, when you get up in the morning and when you're just walking around before you go to bed, you are educating your children every moment of every day around this new focal point of God and your love for him and love relationship. And then he give some very specific ways of how to put that into your lifestyle so your children actually watch and they begin to catch your faith. And they do what you do and they pass it on and families change.

Now, when you do life God's way and follow the prescription, it's like planting a seed.

And then it grows. And then it begins to bear fruit. And then, honestly, good things happen. Good things happen in relationships. And he begins to bless. And what can happen is you begin to experience blessing and the actual blessings from God. Replace your loyalty to God. First three versus prosperity. Blessing as God's desire. Obedience is a requirement versus four through nine. This is what it looks like. One God truth loving with all your heart. Take the word and personally. Teach your kids formally. Talk about it informally. And then there's some real specific ways that you need to align your life. So every aspect of your life revolves around your love relationship with him. And when you do it this way, he's going to bless you. And so when he blesses you, be careful that you don't get caught up with the gifts instead of the giver. And evangelical Christianity in the last 40 years, what we've learned is our kids are not catching our faith. And there's a reason to have a very good friend. He was given a grant. He did all this extensive research and he found out that your kids and the regular evangelical kids from churches that believe in the Bible, 66 to 70 percent of them leave the faith for three reasons. Number one, they don't see it radically lived out and incarnated in their own homes.

Number two, they don't own their faith personally. In other words, they don't get into the Bible for themselves. It's like, hey, take him to Sunday school. Might put him in a Christian school. Let's drop him off. You know, church, you educate our kids, but there's not something happening in the homes by nine or 10 where they're reading the scripture for themselves. There's not time around a coffee table or. Right. Dinner when. What did you learn or what are you reading? The word of God. Wasn't central in their homes.

And third, the kids didn't serve. They become narcissistic consumers. Well, I don't like that group. It doesn't meet at the right time. And they're not doing this. And I might want to go to this other group and I don't want to come to the main service because my friends are over here. And so they come to a little group for a time. And then when they leave, their little group is gone and they don't have convictions and they never felt a part of something bigger. And here's the key. When they serve and whether it's short term or whether it's other kids, when they serve and those growing up years and the grace of God fills them and God uses them to bring life and change. Guess what? Something happens. And so this passage is teaching. We have to love God where kids catch it. They need to catch you on your knees, praying in the morning that they need to hear you talking about money is really tight, but we're going to give the first portion of everything to God. They need to hear you with a discussion, a decision about something at work. And it's an integrity issue. Well, what does the Bible say? What are we going to do? How are we going to honor God? They need to hear you think about what school they should go to and why. And what does the scripture say? You see, when you love God, that way, they catch it. Second thing it says is that when you love God like that, you have to fuel your relationship. This word, these commands. They need to be on your mind, in your heart. Personally, I just started with the New Testament and I said, God, I know I'm not going to understand everything, but I'm going to obey what I do understand. And my wife and I, for the last 38 years, the first thing we do, she does and I do is we get up and I spend time with God and she spends time with God. And sometime during that day. We talk about what's going on. But my mind got changed about I need the power and the direction and each one of us do. If that doesn't happen, then I'm just trying to be a little bit better moral person. And I believe the set of truth. But it's not the center. Do you see the difference? Teach your children diligently.

This this means there's a systematic way in your home for those of you that are parents that you're teaching your kids the Sunday school class. God bless them. The Christian school. God bless them. A little club there and God bless them. But especially, you know, who's the more responsibility. Unless you're a single mom, the moral responsibility for the spiritual education of your kids is you, dad.

And if you were like me is like, ah. Can I just say something is a little secret. You know, I, I do these notes and, you know, I put the questions on the back because what I realized that I didn't know how to lead my family.

And now just with the questions, what I knew was at least two or three times around the separate table. We're going to talk about a shared experience. And I do this just to help you do what I figured. Most of you probably don't know how to do any better than I did. But it's that kind of intentionality and it's formal and it's regular. The next one is to speak.

Speak what? When you get up.

When you walk, by the way, I mean, in other words, you're informally looking for teaching moments. And, you know, some of you you have a family night and you get to a family nightmare, make popcorn and everything's going to go great. And and then you say, hey, let's watch this movie. Someone told us it's a good movie and you're watching the movie and people start taking off their clothes and you push the pause button and you know what you don't do. Oh, that's terrible.

You know, what you do is OK, wait a minute, kids. Let's let's talk about this. This is called second rate sex, and it's called adultery and in God designed sex. And it's beautiful. And this is why. And let me explain a little bit about this. And we are going to fast forward the part where they all the clothes come off and. All right.

But it's a teachable moment. You talk informally. So he says, you know, you put it on your hands. It's a metaphor for whatever when you go to work, when you do the dishes, when you change the baby.

When you write a new software program. When you coach the team, the word of God is on your hands. It's a picture. This is what you do everywhere in covenant relationship. As a follower of your way. Every decision and every thought is governed by the truth of God's word.

And you and you put it on your doorposts so that when you walk out and your kids walk out, word covenant children, we're going to enter into a crop dark world and we're going to bring light and love and care for people. And then when we come back, it's on our gates and we remember this is what God has done in her life.

This passage is a radical prescription by God so that you can have deep families with great communication that's loving, forgiving, good heart with one another. Knowing how and when to forgive. Pouring out into the life and relationships of your family. The Y is really pretty simple.

So your sons, your legacy, your grandchildren will follow the Lord Soto go well with you. So you belong in the land. So to be a landfill with milk and honey, I want you to have the deepest, greatest family and future. I made you. I loved you. I died for you. I want the best. And you live in a corrupt world and culture that is just, I mean, trying to seduce your heart away. And it will require a real man and a real woman to say he's not a slice of my life. My heart is connected. I'm a living sacrifice. And his word is my priority.

And I'm going to teach and speak and imperfectly live this out.

And the promise and what he does is he blesses and blesses and blesses. But he'd bless us and bless us as we're on a journey.

You've been listening to Chip's talk. How to build a Strong Family. We'll be back with a final word in just a minute.

But before he is, I hope you'll take a second to go online or tap, share and encourage others to hear this message, too. If you'd like to get it for yourself or send it to a friend, you'll find it at Living on the Edge dot org, where the MP threes are always free. Another great way to share helpful messages is with the Chip Ingram app. Well, now here's Chip with an offer you don't want to miss.

I'll be right back in just a minute to wrap up with some specific application to today's message. But as I think of what we've been teaching about, one of the things I'm seeing and hearing from God's people is I feel overwhelmed and confused. The world is so complex right now. I just wonder what can I do if you would like to get un paralyzed by all that's happening around you. Let me encourage you get to three or five people or some people in a living room together. Take action. Get on the offense. Realize God will empower you. Love never fails if you keep taking in media and hearing how bad everything is. You will get deeply, deeply discouraged. You are the light of the world. You're the salt of the earth. But you need the encouragement of others. And then let's start doing good.

Well, we get that gathering together needs to be safe and legal. But we also know that we need the interaction and encouragement of other people to do life well. So whether it's in person or online, if doing good for you means improving parenting skills or addressing anger issues or strengthening your marriage. We've got you covered right now for a very limited time. All of our small group studies are discounted online streaming study guides, DVD group bundles. However, we can help. We've got a small group series that will help you take your next step as you pursue doing life in a way that honors God and blesses you and your family in the process. You'll see all the details at Living on the Edge, Dawg, or by tapping special offers on the app. For more information, just give us a call at one eight eight eight three three three six zero zero three. But there are just a couple more days to take advantage of this offer, so don't delay.

As we close today's program, what we actually have done is we have read together God's instructions for a strong family. I mean, the very beginning, Deuteronomy, Chapter six, when, you know, the people were delivered, Moses is speaking for God, saying this is how dads and moms and families are supposed to work. Read the instructions now for some of us, we don't like to read the instructions. I won't point any fingers, but if you were in my family and something comes from Amazon and we have to put it together, my wife wants the instructions. I jump right in. I often feel very frustrated. It doesn't work. My wife takes her time. She reads the instructions and puts it together well. Now, here's the deal. You can't afford not to read the instructions when it comes to your family. A lot of families don't work in years, might be one of them because you haven't read the instructions for others. You've read the instructions, but you're not following. It's like, oh, yeah, I've read that before. I heard about that. I know the man is supposed to do that. And and this is what you're supposed to do with your children. And we probably ought to eat meals together and we should be in God's word. But but the fact of the matter is life busyness demands. A lot of Christian families aren't following the directions. Here's my recommendation. Take a deep breath and ask yourself in this coming year, what could be more important than knowing God and your family becoming strong? Second. Then ask yourself, what resource are you going to use to help you get there? I will let you know that we have a series called Effective Parenting in a Defective World. We have a couple series on marriage. We have another series on parenting that would really help you. It's called House or Home The Parenting Edition. What I want you more than anything else is to say this is the step I'm going to take. We're going to focus on being a strong family. We're glad to help you. But take this step and start reading the directions. And are you ready? Then follow them. Then you'll experience the blessing of God.

Well, just before we close, I want to thank each of you who is making this program possible through your generous giving, 100 percent of your gifts are going directly to the ministry to help Christians really live like Christians. Now, if you found Shipps teaching to be helpful, but you're not yet on the team, would you consider joining today to donate? Just go to Living on the Edge, Dawg tap donate on the app or give us a call at one eight eight eight three three three six zero zero three. And let me thank you in advance for whatever the Lord leads you to do.

Well, on behalf of Chip and everyone here. This is Dave Drooly saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.