Putting the Magic Back in Your Marriage

I will magically improve your matter. Wouldn't that be nice except we all know that trying to create a perfect marriage is about as effective as building a house of cards. What if your relationship could be transformed though in terms of intimacy and grace and encouragement and having fun with your spouse will cover that today on Focus on the Family and your hostess focus Pres. and Dr. Jim Daly on John Fuller. John is not uncommon for husbands and wives to wonder why marriage seems so difficult at times and that that's just marriage right if it's always treetop sums not right. We wanted to be easier and sometimes would rather post in that relationship not putting the effort into it that we need to so we have a great communicating, loving, kind marriage, but you gotta put some time into it. That's where the magic in marriage really happens today with our special guests were going to talk about how to build that kind of magic, a biblical magic into your marriage yeah and Danny Ray Thompson and his wife Kimberly are in the studio with us again.Danny Ray is a world renowned illusionist is been performing magic tricks for more than 30 years.

He's got a pastoral heart and that he and his wife Kimberly are passionate about helping husbands and wives develop a stronger relationship in the retina. Terrific book called no I can't make your wife disappear. Magicians guide to a magical marriage and reach out to us here Focus on the Family for your copy of the book of the link is in the show notes or call 800 the letter a in the word family Danny Kimberly, welcome to Focus on the Family will be here okay now with that title. Kimberly I got asked that you as the wife had little bit of input there to say. Can we just use husbands that are wife and I met my husband doesn't appear the reason ended up being no I can't make your wife here because believe it or not that's one of the number one questions that lead a man come up and ask Danny after the shell after the magic show is actually pretty funny. That's true, that is such an odd combination in a really inspirational way to Danny and maybe Kimberly played a role that but being the illusionist is not your typical job. You don't hear a lot about illusionist one you trying to trick what people see you try to create an illusion.

The correct answer now applying that in marriage. After thinking out of this reality that oh my goodness, it's all an illusion. I hope your marriage is real good at developing things that create wonder in astonishment in your marriage is something that I think have a unique insight into and so we've had the privilege of counseling people over the years and then we thought, why is it that God's given us a great marriage. We've gone two different marriage conferences and that a lot of marriage books and thought let's get back in so you know taking that combination of a marriage staff and then where those things overlap with the magic staff and create a book on that. Let me ask you so often you know when we look at personality types and how people end up marrying and selecting you're going to marry.

We do opposites often not always in people. Let me know. I get it. It's the 8020 rule.

So if you fall the 20% don't write me a note but you guys are you like that is one of the more extroverted one introverted or how do you go see your personality types as a couple.

While you're on the personality so you could you tell me what my personality is nationally and not in illusionist for you does not want to be put in a box so a lot of box personality does not want that so I am not allowed to diagnose him.

Jean is an awful. I like that she hates personality to okay show I'm never one way all the way doesn't capture me.

Therefore I feel it's a false answer. If I write me ask you encourage husbands and wives to celebrate the mass of marriage. I like that you know oftentimes are talking about not being perfect hard thing in marriage is one spouse might expect a little more perfection than the other and that right there creates conflict because of the expectations right but I like that reminder of just have fun in the mass and be a bit chill yet so it's in the middle of the mass that I think I can it show up and do some incredible things we were always praying like it is a mess. But what if it's in the middle of the craziness of kids, you know, wife, and Poupon walls will have a better word you know and you kind of those insane your peers and going.

We just we want out. But what if it's right in the middle of that they got shaping us in creating a different character in us to love others that are messy to to learn to love him in the middle of that instead of waiting till were out of that season and give us an example. Yes, there was one time. You know, I thought I'll clean up the house like she's way she always wants everything dusted and so that day is pretty reasonable and not as good as outlined. So I decided to dust the house with a leaf blower. The first time I've ever heard of my head. It seemed like a really good I got over to dust and really a lot of it is still 75 miles of beauty, and so I blew out stuff that never should've been out from under the fridge above the fridge and I am just going around and within like to three minutes. I realize this is a really bad idea. Unlike in a big tornado of dust to settle in another place and moving it at this point is the best under the fridge.

Where were you under the driveway and I have like a dust.

It wasn't good. Let's turn into the magic fermented said that when you compare marriage to a deck of cards okay to ask you how you also talk about. You say you want to cheat in your marriage in order to have the winning hand. Let's be very guessing you Kimberly Christian program. I'm extremely good at cheating but we are in illusionist. Yes, I assume back up to the bigger picture story. My biological father.

He was kicked out by my mom for gambling and so gambling is been a really interesting conversation in our household. But growing up because it was one of those things that my my biological father was addicted to try to sell the house.

My mom kicked them out and Sue growing up I never into this day, I just don't gamble, but I started to work on how you cheated cards you know with them sleight-of-hand for entertainment purposes so you know, taking note cards. It might have 572 and turning them into the four aces or something like that is in my wheelhouse and I could do that in our marriages when you're dealt a horrible hand. You know, maybe maybe your spouse has a mental health issue that you like, I didn't sign up for this, or maybe you have a kid that has a disability.

Our first kid great.

The second kid. We ended up in the NICU for 11 days and it was heart wrenching and all those things you go through but how do you take those things and go okay the circumstances are different, but how to why, how do I ask God to give me grace and forgiveness and hope in the way Paul says is that we don't define our circumstances as like these are horrible or bad, but it's in everything we have the opportunity to choose joy to choose life and so I think we talked about dealing the hand were dealt is we don't always get a royal flush or a perfect hand but whatever were dealt. We learn she will ask God to help us to see that is a good thing because he's orchestrating something great with the hand the church at such a good reminder. I mean, especially with Paul's letters in the Scripture because he uses every a lot in every situation in every circumstance. Give thanks. I don't know that we actually as modern Christians get a hold of that real, we got an 80% confirmation 20. Are you sure Paul or review life taken up into the third heaven.

At that don't really embrace that God wants us to show faith toward him in every circumstance. It's a hard thing to magic.

You know the light hearted side, you had a Christmas trip think a crooked Christmas tree will we pulled out all the good, so what happened with the crooked Christmas tree soon wow things I should be no need to write about.

Okay so you my wife and I were about to head down to San Diego in we have like five minutes and one of her things like, you know that Christmas tree.

It's gotta be straight that Angel tops gotta be perfect sister. Now it's a different deal with this is early on in our in our marriage in Sue right before leaving for San Diego she's like the Christmas trees cricket am I okay so I get under the tree. You know, adjust it with your blower so you know, so I'm under there with the screws trying to screw it together. Get it straight and then she's like, that's perfect.

I get out, you know, not like leaves all over me, polka me ASAP on me like just leaned again. Emily did so I get back under there, but now it's getting like frustrating because the tree wizard is like that's her perfect and still I do it for 56 times.

Finally the patient man. I normally like this is not my best hour because at that point of it you know continue to lean continue doing is I was done with this tree, so I took the tree and I started slamming it into the ground to try to make it straight slam decorated tree debris before you put your but I don't think that make no law. Yeah, only the straight tree with a okay so the angry that I think I never see that point in our marriage so it did a number on what happened did you get it to go straight to.

Here's the crazy part is I drove down to Ace hardware and there was a live and we have a lot of money at this time we were on a tight tight budget and there was some tree stand. That said, sets up in one minute. I did look at the price I just grabbed it. I bought it and knows that I literally set a timer on like if this thing doesn't set up in one minute.] Eight but it set up in like 30 seconds it was perfectly straight.

Unlike this, why did I have this trees that were ladybug was worth whatever I don't know Kimberly, but I disagree.

Now we all save our Marriott. Speaking of saving your marriage. Kimberly talked about and encourage couples to embrace counseling.

We certainly appreciate that her focus and that's obviously Christian oriented Christian-based counseling was always go to clarify that you can get some bad counselors that are going to come with worldly recipes to help you talk about solid Christian biblical counseling. Why do you encourage couples to keep an open heart toward counseling. We all need advice. We all need help.

We all need more tools in our toolbox essentially sell.

I Danny and I were blessed to go to a conference when we first got married before we got married before it is engaged in here in Colorado Springs at the Broadmoor but we danced at the Christmas tree stand right will going to the conference before we got married gave us some huge tools in our toolbox and probably even the language of toolbox. I don't think we need not before then, and that we were definitely very young, getting married, and needed all the help we can get cell.

That's when the tools started getting implemented but then counseling was always something. My mom is a huge proponent 10 and had benefited from wise counsel. One of the difficulties and I sympathize with this, but sometimes it's the husband. Sometimes it's the wife it's declaration of failure that I don't measure up. And now we need counseling. I thought I was a good person and a good Christian right and that I was and I go to counseling will fix it is I never been to counseling him but to me it was like you failed and feels like yeah and your our first year marriage.

We ended up going to counseling and lo and behold it helped you so. It was at that point that we just made a decision will do whatever it takes if it means going counseling if it means seeing a friend sing a Pastor whoever we can.

Whoever is further down the road to to help us with our marriage were were all about that.

That's good me ask you.

I think I've seen at least versions of this. One of the illusions that you perform is an elaborate underwater escape describe what's involved and how you use that to teach people about life in God and marriage yes so for a number of years.

I did underwater escapes and there's you know when when you're going underwater. The first thing I would say before I went in the waters I asked people to hold their breath with me when they go under if it would start when I go underwater eyeing and asked that you hold your breath, and if it any point you let out your air. I want to think about that moment when you take your final breath where you going to be working to be in your last charade with God with your family went yeah and so it was one of those messages I say Holger your breath as you go under.

But it was the only piece I've ever done that vicariously people feel like they're in there with you. Trapped in their underwater in the dark. And yes, Sue. I it's one of the Bass Lake messages because there seeing it there feeling it in when I would escape you know it wasn't you know like triumphant. It's like I'm doing a real escape and it it doesn't go right.

Every time we had a unit go wrong twice where I really thought I was going to lose my life but it's yeah it's it's a difficult thing and difficult on my wife as well. Every time after I got out of water. You know I'd have to text her and let her know I'm alive. I'm good you know and then when I stop doing that. I had to you know let her know you know, no longer doing the underwater escape was like did the deck of cards. It came out of the box fine. I'm company was happy about the skydiving yes." Their self picture.

Some people have been magic show that I've been magic show yet honest with you, but this is a tank of water that's over your head getting in your all bound up. You have had. So I went out.

It is yeah so I have that audience sometimes audience members would bring handcuffs, but usually have handcuffs with me and I waited past those around you know is a real deal.

Yeah, their legitimate handcuffs while and then I'd have somebody come up. Examine the locks examine the canister that I'm getting. We call it the chamber, but ultimately it was based on the milk cannot skate by Harry Houdini right and so somebody would examine that and then we have somebody help us dump 50 gallons of water into this from essentially and then put the lid on it and then there were six locks that would lock that led into place and I'm underwater in multiple handcuffs. You know, working with a pick to try to get out of those really do that you pick the locks and the sad thing now is my daughter's in the lock picking my wife's going like to use it struck you never know. Kimberly, in the context you talk about the reset button in the book. Both of you.

You speak to the reset button.

How you use it and how it's been effective in your marriage sure please that yesterday when you're rushing out how to get to the airport and you have a bit of it to. It might be house and that both laughed a little on edge, trying to get out of the house to the airport Saturday. It's a way of saying hey I'm sorry and there still apologies and there's still some reconciliation because I'm big on that please say something like this say let's reset which really means. Can we start over how to do over. Let's let's try this again because were both acknowledging he wouldn't do well at that thing out how to handle it.

And with that situation like we can handle ourselves the way we would normally or the way we stress tends to yeah and yeah and stress does that and it's easy to just go. I love you you love me were in this together. We got it whether I loader she put it, like, okay, reset and we just start over and will literally like that start over. It's just grace and forgiveness to use the term but God in a positive way you play that in marriage, but God yes so but God statements are throughout the old and New Testament unit where literally the Israelites are going one way God shows up and shows a mercy show some great shows and forgiveness and so on our marriage we want to about God.

Marriage where if I do something that's hurtful or painful toward her. She knows the but God stories his redeemed her. But God has done this for so she shows me that same grace that same forgiveness. There's a great verse and you guys will have to find it. I don't I'm just throwing out. I know that were to forgive one another the same way that Christ Jesus for gave us in one of the things early on that we realized is he for gave us before we ever asked in so we don't wait for the other person like you know begrudgingly like know until you apologize until you do this, we try to show that grace and that forgiveness before the other person asked, so that when the like, hey, I'm sorry have already forgiven you start work you know in and sometimes were not good. So we have to work and reconcile, but a lot of times we can you know forgive the same way that Christ is forgiveness, which is beforehand now.

In that context, what you're writing about his legacy was the legacy of your marriage in your marriage. Those kinds things. What recommendations you have for couples who want to create that, legacy and marriage yes so legacies a huge thing for us is one of those things that we talked about with having the end in mind is same thing with the underwater escape is when you take your last breath.

Where you going to be where. Where do you want your marriage to be a year from now, five years from now, 10 years when you pass what you want your kids to say about you, your sister, your brother your mom your dad your whoever those people are that are at your your funeral. What are they saying about your marriage.

Have you invested well is that marriage affects so many people and so we talked about being legacy driven in for me with with Caroline that just really made me wake up to.

I want to be kind and caring and loving and Christlike to my children to my wife and let that pour out of every part of my life in that takes being intentional and it takes having a wife that shows grace and mercy to me every day. It takes me focusing on the the right things at the right time and you know that's good in that context, then you have the fable I think an African fable that kind of applies and that what was the fable and how does it work in marriage to every day with the line of the gazelle you have them both waking up in the gazelle's gotta outrun the lion alliance.

Gotta chase the gazelle to to get his food for the day. Both are necessary if the line gets the gazelle he gets to eat.

If not he needs to keep chasing gazelles to feed his family or her family and then the gazelle's gotta stay alive. And so, in our marriages right. We have to wake up focused and running because there's an enemy that wants to tear apart your heart devour yeah literally devour marriages and were seeing it across the world and it I'm sure in your community.

You see marriages that are falling apart and maybe that's your story, God has a greater story for you where you wake up with purpose in working on healing and working on restoring working on loving your spouse in the way God's designed it that you have to write down maybe one thing today that you're going to do it. Take a step in that direction to make a difference.

That's really good that's a good one yeah Danny and Kimberly. This terrific love your book, no I can't make your wife disappear. Magicians guide to a magical marriage. Great title and I'm glad you fought for the husband better things. A lot of wives of my want their husbands. This is what we get the thing that that's applicable to either spouse point you've done such a great job capturing the stories and I appreciate you porn into it. People don't understand how difficult it is for couple to write about marriage is my guess would be you guys are perfect yeah and and therefore your exposing your relationship up putting it out there for people to see to read the stories and it's just so vulnerable yet so good because we all come to travel together on that same road with the same potholes and know so I deeply appreciate the vulnerability.

I want to make sure people can get a hold of this resource and if you can make a gift to Focus on the Family of any amount monthly gift is great, a one-time gift if you need it and can afford it were Christian ministry, working to get it in your hands, trusting that others can take care of that expense just get in touch with us and ask for the book if can't support us and will send it as our website. Thank you. Please call 800 K and the word family 800-232-6459 or you can donate and get Danny's book along with an audio download of our entire conversation with the Thompsons by clicking on the link in the program notes also at the website we have a free marriage assessment that you can take it require five or 10 minutes of your time and go a long way toward helping you in your relationship, pointing out areas of strength and maybe an area or to check it out.

The link is in the show notes that in Kimberly.

It's been so fun and so insightful to have you with us. Thanks for pleasant and on behalf of Jim Daly, and the entire team.

Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ Focus on the Family. We know you want to see your grandchildren follow Christ that the legacy grandparenting summit, the only national conference on Christian grandparenting coming over 100 locations on October 20 and 21st, find wisdom, direction and inspiration from speakers including Graham Lott and Miles McPherson. Register now for the legacy grandparenting legacy coalition.com/summit