Training Sons to be Confident, Capable Men

This program is sponsored by Focus on the Family, a listener supported ministry helping families thrive in Christ. But I think boys need most is just a really good two boys of love to get up on top of the roof and additional motive or just stay with me and teach my son how to balance the spirit of tenderness, especially toward God with the strength of man. What in this respect a woman, especially on the something that I want them to know very well. If I can teach my boys nothing other than brush her teeth and put on you think I succeeded some great ideas there about training yourselves come in and if you go to boy in your home or maybe work with young boys at church were in school you probably have an opinion about what else should be added to that kind of list. This is Focus on the Family with focus president Dr. Jim Daly I'm John Fuller and Jim pretty hard on a few of those issues with my boys when they were grown up about you. There I remember how Jean and I were always reminding our boys to brush your teeth and use deodorant rail that's carbon copy.

Sometimes I still remind him to do it and I don't want to embarrass anyone. But here we go. We also have lots of family discussions over the years about the future of what being a good and godly man looks like we done Bible studies in that regard because we wanted our sons to launch well and every parent should have that same priority for both girls and boys how to launch your children well in our culture, we don't have a good process for that transition from boyhood to manhood.

I admire cultures like the Jewish culture where you have a bar mitzvah saying you're no longer a boy you know a man there's a demarcation line your boy yesterday, but today you've made it to the big leagues you're into manhood, no get a job there some good practical encouragement. It is, but we struggle with where that line is today. I mean, is it when you get your drivers license or when you're able to vote. We can all fumble a bit. At that moment where that manhood takes place and today working to cover that territory in the program yet will return to one of our best of broadcasts from a while ago we recorded it with Jonathan, Catherine, he's worked for decades in private and public education and has real expertise in youth and leadership training.

Jonathan is the father of two sons himself and he's written a book that benefits pretty much any family raising boys. It's called the manual to manhood how to cook the perfect steak change attire impress a girl and 97 other skills you need to survive. We got details about that book in the show notes. Let's go ahead and here now Jim how you begin the conversation with Jonathan on today's episode of Focus on the Family boys about the same age I was curious about you bring with you and find the conductor fishing this weekend, we would've liked a great experience.

Let's talk about that in general, paint a picture of the typical boy you meet your engaging with a lot of young men talk about if we could. Who is that typical boy today.

Sure, to generic but I think we do a typical boy today. Roles have to do a comparison of when we were boys versus boys are like today is our difference, absolutely a cultural norm shifted so dramatically between when we were growing up and they are now like a boy today.

Example being deodorants like the all program will happen will have the options we have got out your dad's old spice right will now you got 13 flavors of acts were sensitive to go down one was post where and how much muscles where when muscles start wearing it and you meet these young men today and not to be of all young men but I'm finding an inconsistency in the capabilities of young men starting at about age 11, 12, 13 years old with a real struggle try to figure out how to they control everything from wearing deodorant to the voice changing to shake hands to confidence. That is just not been brought up like it was a generation ago you for this book manual to manhood which I love and you said yourself it's a simple approach to helping your boy become a man, and I understand you wrote this book because of a handshake to have the handshake lead you to write a book trials at a leadership conference at UCLA and after I spoke this long line of close to shake the speakers hand. This guy walks up to me and I've already knows a couple patterns one being what is wrong with these young men how come the don't know how to iron their shirts and slacks is a little global leadership conference are looking to walking towards me like they just stepped out of their own luggage walks up to me just clicked because he gave me this just dead fish handshake like I have yet to receive a good handshake out of everybody has been even a bit overpowering or underwhelming. I said you know what we gotta do something because these young people are the leaders of not just today probably just love the leaders of today as well, yeah, and never before in history have we been given more to Stuart and we all will agree to those of been given much, much is expected.

But yet they're struggling. The little things you were expecting them to steward the big things going all the way back down to something as simple as a handshake to demonstrate I know how to control myself. Now we trust me with some so much of this is father engagement to and I think you know we fall on the excuses that were busy and don't get it I got it. I didn't have anybody tell me I did have data my life and that in that regard. I remember frantically trying to figure out how to tie a tie. This is for smart phones and I'm probably in junior high, going after junior high dance and I did have anybody to add so I can a threat, not together. I think I got teased a bit for, but the point that is you know some dads feel like boys will figure it out. That's not a good perspective visit really is a good perspective on your case said you had experiment get it right so we can observe we can experiment, we could be instructed and father engaged showing his son how to tie a tie might I get the first time but then we reengage is relational in its skill-based, and so he walks away with high tide and this feeling like he did. It says the 1213-year-old dad thinking I really did most of the work there next time out. The sun comes is that what he think about my tie will let me help you fix it up a little bit, son, and now the sons done the majority work. Third time around. Doug goes your tie looks really well wound out three engagements of complement just about time to time bonding relationally as well as building the skill or you can experiment and try it out, maybe get teased the handshake something Jean and I did for both her and Troy both against their will was to enroll them in cotillion. Now a lot of people I didn't understand what that was when we first enroll them.

I said it's good to be mostly about dinner table manners, and that was only a small fraction of his mostly about dancing inappropriate ways like ballroom dancing the waltz in those kinds of things and they were mortified and I'm of the first night when I took my oldest friend, he just looked across the room at the beautiful Broadmoor ballroom here in Colorado Springs.

It's a gorgeous resort hotel and that he looked across the room at me and his eyes are saying when I get a hold of you that you are there the first time he had to hold the girls hand and introduce his companion to the adult chaperone shake the chaperones hand and that I would say Trent told me this morning. He said that's where I learned how to shake her hand properly among the adult in the it's important to know that it's critical to know those little skills when I meet young men today at a school of the conference. I get the bad handshake. I'll stop him how he meant really nice to met you handshake over again. The look me in the good excellent job. The next time you shake someone's hand that's way to go a really good handshake. Congratulations always leave it up to complement or how many times would you've done it wrong and the person walked away thinking what was that so having an opportunity to be instructed in your son's going to an experience like that that's controlled environment. It's a safer, controlled environment, or we can go out in the world which is not one of the controlled environments, and there are too many folks out there wanting the best for your our boys wanted to get the best from our boys and so we set them up for success with a simple handshake, they might look mom and dad at you now cross I think you got two heads going on your shoulders know why will you teach me how shake hands. The little things. Those against little learn to steward much and shaken hands is a great place to start to get point talk about those bad role models in the culture that it seems that the culture is demanding attention from our kids there, pulling them into the doctor doxies to describe it as a hallway of doors and each door had a different label on it. Drugs or premarital sex or whatever it might be and he said in his day the doors would be shut and locked. You have to find a way to get through the door and then in the 80s and 90s. The doors were there, but they were just a little bit ajar. Today I described that analogy is wide open. Television is grabbing our kids movies pop culture in general. How do we train them to manage that as a Christian young man in a good way gonna see the first trainees to come to the parent marketing is much better at gaining and retaining the intention of our young people the most parents are the reason is because marketing teams sit around tables strategizing about how to get the attention of a young person hold onto it and extract value from it.

Maybe his parents as a men's group or women's group or within the church are just my humble mom dad at your own home, sit down with your kids not there and strategize about how to gain and retain their attention and something that instead of taking value from your son or daughter gives value to them. What would that discussion. Sound like play it out a bit for us that you and your wife sitting at the table. Kids are bad, what would that discussion. Sound like to start with a description of where we are. Maybe talk about where we'd like to be. So what's the aspiration word. We long to see our son say years five years 10 years out from now.

Right now, if there young, essentially their dependent. Our intent is to get them to become independent with a greater level of maturity beyond that, even interdependent.

So where we want them to be and then we back up the conversation to where are we now be realistic with your position where you are not aspirational for the aspirational where you want them to go in the examples you stick with the example she Would love to see our sons be able to go to the need to get a job in the next couple years and you my sons 14 and four years now is can be 18 and he needs to be able to not work, but it is so I shouldn't readmyfortunatesons.Readreadcominghere.Yes,Ithinkaboutgetajob.Wejumpthegunyouwentfrom0to100inonesentence.Soiftheintentisformysontobeabletogetandkeepajobsuckingonhisownmoneytostartpayinghisownwayandunderstandwithfinancesandindependence,andindependencelookslikeaworldmostbringitallthewaybacktowhatisacapableofnowandhowcanwebuildhimupintoaplaceforthatreleasetoindependenceisrealisticnotaspirationalthatthatisreallygoodandI'mthinkingofyouagainmyownboyswererightnowtalkingaboutbeingoutdolawnworkandthingslikethatsize.Tellthemyouneedn'tneedtomakeaflyeroftendeterminewhatyourpriceisgoingtobethensendthoseoutandifit'snotworkingandyougottogodoor-to-doorandkindofanegotiatedgoodpriceandsoI'mlookingforwardtoseeingthatunfoldoverthenextcoupleyears.Asadultswehavethatbackgroundknowledgeyoujustdescribedsalesandmarketingright.Weknowwhatthatisbecausewerematureadults.Theydon'tknowwhatthatisyetsoyouwalkthemintotheprocessandbeokaywiththemnotbeinggreatatit.Atfirstpracticemomthathammypracticedoesnotmakeperfectisonlyonewho'sperfectinhisnameisChristandI'mnothim.Heliveswithinme,butthatdoesn'tmeanthatwhatwedoisperfectpractice.Somethingmakesbetterandnobodyyou'renotafailuretogiveupsomeofmysongoesoutandhejustbotchessomeone'syardknowheMosesdidtheirgarnishisaterrible.Billbelievesarestillgrowinguponthesidesanddidn'tdoagoodjobsleepandisnotafailureintheyard.Hehadtogobackandfinishthejoborfixthejobthenexttimeyoubecomebetterwillbecomebetterandbecomebetter.Weallneedtolookbacktoexperiences,ouroldlifewhenwewerequeensandteensandyoungadultsandsayhowmanytimeswehavetopracticesomebeforehegotitright.Hopefullynobodysawusgetitwrongbecausewewantto.AndthisissomethingIstressed.Iheavyinthebookaboutyoungmenastheywanttogainrespectandavoidembarrassment–IthinkIyouknowanexampleforus,thatmyyoungest,TroywantedtoplayLittleLeaguethisyear.Nowit's12isneverplayedLittleLeague.Someofthosekidsbeenplayingforfiveyearssoaheadoftime.Ithinkokayheisdoingwell.Hedoesn'thavetheskillssoIsaidtoTroyyouknowTroy,thiswillbeyourlearninghere.You'regoingtobeatbat.Youmaynotrisetosomeofthecapabilityoftheotherkids.Butthat'sokaythisisyouryeartolearnhowtohitthecoacheswillhelpyoucouplegroundersmightgetthroughyourlegsbutdon'tbediscouragedasallyeahdad,that'sokay.IknowthistobetheyearI'lllearnbutithelpsbegintoframebecausethere'sgoingtobethosetimeswhenyoudon'trisetothelevelofyourpeersbecauseyouhaven'tdoneit,andthatyoucanputanycircumstancearoundthatwhateveryouryoungmanisgoingtobetryingtodoandIthinkit'shelpedhimI'veseenithestillengagedinthatendeavorhe'simprovingbutattheendofthegame.Thestingdoesn'tlastaslongasIgetapproachednegativethingsagreatapproachbecauseagainit'sanwe'vegotanothergamecomingstrideagainpracticethebettertheworstcurse.Ithinkwecanbringuponourselves.Inthiscontextiswhentheopportunityistherewereunpreparedrightsoweretryingtodoispreparetheseyoungmen'swhenopportunityarises,theycanrisetomeettheupandwerereactingoutofemotion.Andthat'snotahealthyplacethatIreallyappreciateJonathanKatherine'sbookthemanualtomanhoodbecauseJonathanyourframingthingsinthebigpicturekindaway,butthesubtitleisallaboutthelittlethingshowtocooktheperfectsteakchangeattireimpressagirland97otherskillsyouneedtosurvive.Soyoureallyaretalkingaboutlittlethingsthatleadtobigthingsandmentionedbeforewecameintothestudiothatrespectthatelementofrespectandavoidingembarrassment.Aminuteresonateswithme,13,14ohhorrificallyembarrassingyearsformemountainthemomenttheyare.Theyaremy11-year-oldZaneisreallyintofootballandIIhadkindofsignedoffonanyphysicalthingforhim.Hejustdidnotseemtohavecoordinationwhenhewasyounger.ThatboythrowsareallynicespiralinhiseyebecauseheispracticedepressedbutwhatIseeisheistotallymotivatedbyplaygroundrespect.It'ssomethingthatheintuitivelywantstogetandtoavoidthatembarrassment,isitjustsomethingwiredinusordowehavetoguideourkidstounderstandthatIcan'twaittoaskotherquestionsaswiredisapartoftheDNAofmailtogainrespectandavoidversuscertainlythereoccurringpattern.Idon'tknowmanymenwhoareconcernedaboutthatwecanboilitdowninmanydifferentways,butIthinkthatmostyoungmenandoldmenalikefromtheyoungsyllabusamongustogainrespectandwhatembarrassmentisastrongvalue.IdothinkofsomethingthatGodputintous.Thequestionthoughishowdowegoaboutdoingthatforyourson'saimtothrowaspiralbylisteningtowhileyouhaveallgothatyouknowitbuildshimupsooneoftheyoungmanwhodoesn'thavedadtherethronewiththem.Ormaybeit'snotasdealrightmaybedoesn'tlikeschool.Sowhatelsecanyoudoitagain.Respectyoursensiblyswingahammer,buttheychokeuponthehammerthereholditrightupbythehammerheadandyou'relookingatthatguygoingwhotaughthimhowtoswingahammerandanswersnobodytaughtaboutaswingahammerandthat'sanawkwardfeelingtorealizethatitwaslookingtogoondisguisingthehowtouseatoolorovercookastakenow.Wherewereyoubuttedyourbodyisreallygoingonnowbecausenobodytaughtthingonagrownman,I'mtellingyouwillbrieflytellyousomethingthathappenedIwasinSouthTexasdrivingonthefreewayIjustcomefromUniversityspeakingandIwasliveinthepost-dopaminehigh.Thatwasagreatexperienceright.Also,thousandscaraccidentseecomingmilesand75andthat'sisoneofthosethingsyouyoudon'tknowyou'reinacaraccident,say5milesdownthefreewayandalltheirbudget.AlltheglassbreakinginyourthinkingthattimehousingI'mgonnadieinthiscaraccident.Ididn'tseeitcomingandonlyhaveoneotherthoughtgoingtomymindisthatishischarisma.Boysisthatinteresting.Atthatmoment,wife.Sheisstreetsmartandsassyandbeautifulaswelonglineupatmymemorialserviceguysaskingheroutonadate.Myboyswhosefoodraisedmyvoicetobegoodmen,wouldthatmotivateyoutodoaftertheactslistedonthesideoftheroadwithnothingmorethanabruiseonmyhip,andatotalrentalcarandIsimplygohomeandI'madecentdadtogohomeandbeapurposefulparent,sohestarteddoingsomethingatourhouse,weplayedoffourlastnameCathermanisalastnamestartingCatherinemanmissionsconfirmandmissioncouldberunningerrandsandpumpinggasorgoingtothegrocerystoreandgettingtheshoppingdonejusttheguystheyneedtoknowhowtobudgetforburgeroversteakasmuchastheyneedtoknowhowtotochangeatiresoallthecathetermannedmissionsarelittleincrementalritesofpassageisagoodgoodlittlethingstobedoingtalktothatsinglemom.Imeanthisispartofourculturetodaywheredad'sarenotinvolved.Forwhateverreasonandtheirkidsandintheirsonslivestalktothatmomwhoisdesperateforamantobeamentortoherboy.Whatcanshedotoacertainpointandthenwhatcanshenotdotohelpthatboybecomeamanforcingmom,thankyouverymuchfordoingdoubledutydoingtheroleofmomandtheroleofdadandthusitcanbehardforyoursontocometoyouandsayheyIgotthispeachfuzzonmyface.Whenmusclesdowithit.Noteachingorsendashavecanbeanawkwardthingorareothertopicsinthisisforthesimplethingsamomyoucandoisjustlookforwaystosupportthemaslittlethingslikegettingthemresourceslikethatdon'tpushthemtowardsomething.Getinvolvedinachurchgroupthathasgotsomegreatmenwhowerewillingtomentoryoursonsaswell.It'sabiblicalinstructionformentomentoritinthecontextisasironsharpensironsothere'sonemansharpensanotherhasagreatplaceforanyyouthgrouporinamen'sgroupweresupposedtoraiseupifweraiseachildupinthewaytheLordisnotthepartfromitwhenhegrowsoldmomthatyourresponsibilityyoungmenneedtoseethatfromapositivemalerolemodelaswell.Jonathan,whenyoulookattheculturetoday.Youknowthere'sareallackofchivalryandsomewomen,youngwomenparticularlyputoffbyitbecausethey'vebeentoldbyfeministsandothersthatyoumentioneddoanythingforyourcapableandtheyareoffendedbyitenoughbutsometimeswhenI'veopenedthedoorforawomangoingintoabusinessorsomething.Mosttimes,tobefair.Yougetitacourtesy.Thankyou,butsometimesyougetawomansayingIdon'tneedyoutodothatforme.I'veactuallyhadwomensaythattomelikeohmygoodness,whatshouldwebeteachingouryoungboysabouthowtotreatwomeninaculturethatdoesn'tseemtounderstandhowtotreatwomen.What'sthedifferencebetweenopenthedoorforawomanwalkingthroughanopeningthedoorlikeyoudidforme.Walkinghereinthestudiotoday.Thisiscommoncourtesytoloveyourneighborasyouloveyourself.Andofcourseyoucan'tbeallthingstoallpeopleandyoucan'tguaranteethattheyaregoingtoacceptand/orrejectwhatisyouroffering.Mywifedidthesamethingweweredatinginhighschoolopenedthedoorforherandshelookedatme.IthinkI'dopenmanydoorsforher,butthistimeshecrossedherarmsandgavemetheheadofthewayout.YouIcanopenmyowndoor.Thankyouverymuchofthewaterthatcomefromitreallywashiscontextwith.SheappreciatedthechivalryatthesametimesheisperfectlycapableandIthoughtIsaidwaitaminutetimeout.I'mnotdoingthisforyoubecauseIdon'tthinkyoucanseethatmanwalkinguptheoldmanwalkingappearopenthedoorforthemtosayI'mnottryingtodatehim.I'mjusttryingtobepolitetoothersandthisisoneofthewaysthatwecandemonstratethatIvalueothers,notjustmyself.I'veseenalotofpeoplegothroughthedoor,valuingthemselvestheyopenthedoorforthemselves.Walkrightthroughitswingsclosethepurserightbehindhim.Mom'sdad'steacherboyshowtobeopendoorstobechivalroustodoforothersisawanttobedoneforthemandthat'sthepointyou'reteachingahigherspiritualvaluetheiryounotturneditbeadownerforpeopleinallandIthinkthat'sagreatagreatvaluetoteachatJonathanonethemostimportantthingsweneedtopassontoourboysisourfaith.That'smyjoboneanddescribehowyoudonethiswithyoursonslongtimeagoverywisewomangavemeinstructiononhowtospeaktomyboys,myboys,verylittleofthetimeandreadwasfromanuclearmeltdowninthecandystoretotaltempertantrumneverhappened.NeverhappenedinNewHampshireiswatchingusandinthiswomanholdthecandystore.ShecorrectedmebecauseIsaidtomysonyourembarrassinglookateverybodywatchingyou.You'reembarrassingyourselftranslatedreallyembarrassingmeyourtrouble,getupgoinghome.Givemeatimeout.Shesaid,stoprightnowwhilesheturnedmearoundandshesaidputthemrightbackdownwhereyougotsodownhewentagainbackintotempattentionandsheflippedthescriptshewentbackdown.Shegotdowntohislevel.Saidreadwillyourepeataftermeinaseriesofrepeats.Hewentfromlayingonthefloorthirdtoprotectthemtosittingup,standinguptomarchingaroundhercandystorepumpinghisfistintheairsayingI'mstrongIambravetimeofgreatcourage.IlookedatherandIsaidhowdidyoudothatwoulddothechildwhisper.Shegotherfingerinmyfaceandsaidnoyouhavetospeakit.SoJonathanyougavehimnootheroptions.Youtoldhimhisembarrassingtroublegoinghometobeintimeout.WhatelsewouldyousayisIdidn'tsayanything.Shewaseverydayyouneedtotellhimtobestrongtobebraveandtobeofgoodcourageleftplaysoverinthecontextofpassingonourfaithbeforeoursonsaswell.Theyneedtohearmespeakofmyfaiththeyneedtoseemelivingitoutauthentically,theyneedtoknowthatthemanthatChristiscreatedwhoisinrightrelationshipwithhismotherwholoveshissonsasafatherfirstandalsowantstobefriendswiththemwhoishonoringGodandhonoringothers.Thisistheethosofwhoheisisispartofwhoheis,isnotaSundayweekendexperience.I'vegottospeakatsoandliveitsoasmysonsifyou'daskedhimtoday.Whoareyou,theywouldlookatyouintheeyeandsayhimynameisreadCatherinemynameisKolkatathatshakeyourhandrealwellthentheSandstrombraveandofgreatcourage,andtheirmenbecomemeninthemakingofgreatfaithbecauseapersonalizedinstruction.IsawbecauseIwasnothypocriticalandlivingitoutwherethatisgoodparentingadvicerightthere.JonathanCathermenauthorthebookmanualtomanhoodhowtocooktheperfectsteak.Igottareadthatsectiontitlechangeatire.Ineedtofreshenupthatoneimpressagirland97otherskillsyouneedtositbyitsgreatcontentandthanksforsometerrificinsightsforraisinggodlysonsbecomeconfidentcapablemen.AndI'msurethatmanyofourlistenershavebeenencouragedbythisconversation.WhatawonderfulmessageJohnagreatreminderformomsanddadsaboutthosepracticalskillsthatwillhelpoursonsucceedinlife.Ifyouhaveanadolescentorteamboygrowingupinyourhome.Thisbookisaperfectresourceforthem.It'sasimpleandeasytoreadmanualandman.ItcoverseverythinglikesettingthetableforamealhadcheckedtheoilinacarandevenhowtofreshenupthatbadbreaththatmaybeyouknowaboyoryoungmanwhowouldbenefitfromsuchskillsandI'dliketoputthisbookintoyourhandsifyoucansendafinancialgiftofanyamounttoFocusontheFamilytodaytohelpfamilies.Wewillgladlysendyouacopyofthemanualtomanhood.NowifIcouldbehonest.Whatwereallyneedherfaithfulfriendswhowillcommittoamonthlypledgefortheministrybecausewedependuponyourpartnershipwithustostrengthenmarriagesequipparentslikewedonetodayandprovidealloftheresourceswehaveforfamiliesonawholevarietyoftopics.Ifyoucansignupforamonthlypledgetofocusthatwillreallyhelpusbutmaybeallyoucandorightnowisaone-timegiftandthatwillhelpustoobviouslyeverythinghelps.Letmesaythankyouinadvanceforthatsupport.YetwereallyaregratefulforyourgenerosityandwillbesuretobundleanaudiodownloadofourentireconversationwithJonathanabouthisbookdonatewhenyouclickonthelinkintheshownotesorcall800Kandwork-familyandcomingupnexttimewillhearfromDannaGreshofferinginsightaboutyourdaughterandherrelationshipsand.orsensitivefriendshipthatIgotdesignedforfriendship.It'snotcanwhereandwhatisthatsheneedstobeafriend,onbehalfofJimDalyandtheentireteam.ThanksforjoiningustodayforFocusontheFamilyI'mJohnFullerinvitingyouback.Asweoncemorehelpyouandyourfamilythrive.AsChristianswearecalledtobringlighttotheworld.ToanswerthecalltobringyourBibletoschooldayforyourkidstogrowtheirfaithandbealightintheirschool,likegettinghomeistoyoujoinbringyourBible,theschoolday.EverythingregisternowbringyourBible.org