Building Healthy Friendships Among Men

My whole life really never smoking too much work. Right until I finally got a smoker and I went oh my goodness, I've been missing you, and it takes a lot more work to smoke something that it doesn't really like it's the same thing friendship. You can spend your whole life doing the easy thing but but if you take the chance you'll realize there's something much greater out there for you. That's Tommy Willard and he's joining us today along with his body, the partner Eddie James here on Focus on the Family your hostess focus president and author Jim Daly I'm John Johnny others a sign on my desk while I have and I love it and I think numerous such in the tools that God gives us to kind of get through life and to enjoy life and have fun. If you don't have a sense of humor. You might want to turn it off right now. Just as we are going to have fun today and I think humor comes directly from the heart of God. I think Jesus demonstrated humor in a number of ways effect. Studies show it can help your immune system. It can help you sleep better, can help your memory and not just the physical attributes it helps you spiritually help you emotionally and I'm excited to introduce our listeners and viewers to two great guests to get. We've got is a said diskette guys and their husbands, fathers and founders of the comedic dual been lifelong friends and a written a book called smells like bacon guys guide to lifelong friendships and I will encourage you to stop by our website to check out the details and the link is in the show notes Eddie and Tommy welcome to focus. Thank you so yeah things are happening now. It's interesting as I was reading through the book in the prep that the team put together your guys's relationship started him a funny origin. I mean one of you stole the other ones girlfriend yes he usually does it mean a lifetime relationship to guys what happened.

He was dating a cute girl I was interested was a year older, yeah will hear. I lofted up. That's kind of fun at me right there but I mean how seriously, how did that spawn into a relationship between the two beheadings turn the tide and that you must have a lot of patience. I well you know I can remember even in the ninth grade hallway when Jill said to me I think I like somebody else and I literally said no exaggeration. I said will is the negative you don't like me anymore, but please tell me it's not that sophomore in the musical that urine that Tommy guy that Tommy watered.

That's exactly what I said, she says, and I don't know somewhere in that year Yasin listen Jill's really smart right she she love Jesus and like after about two weeks to date me.

She was gone I didn't last, and then right yeah and then you know I think Missoula's company were to Jill.

The guys you know so Jill brought you together. That's good and you stay in touch with generally the one she was now the answer is on our 30 union but not so in the book you talk about these four circles of friendship wants to describe what we would call them concentric circles of the first to take one go have coffee want to dig want to go do something I coffee friend the cop befriended it's I think it's very hard for you know, especially in today's will just guys just try to go, you know, do something you know and so it's at least a break a barrier down to you want to do this round of coffee you know and just talk or just go do something that just seems you know what we both have in common to do type but pretty light touch is the point exact okay yeah there's no pressure when you have a copy of someone you know you don't, you don't have to mean and if it doesn't work out you don't go get coffee with them again. You know, it's not complicated. It's like a ghosting you will see a picture but at that coffee or whatever it may be. That's when is your talking all this and you figure out we have more to talk about his or something here or not. You know yeah okay so that's to hang out or the UK. What about the acquaintance is when it's like there's some good clean anemia as we as we called the Christian circles is: in the you know it's like okay this could become something and and I know like for for couples that usually pairs them off a little bit to like the whites get together, you know, I mean they're doing well.

We seem to be hanging out well, like I like this guy's company revenue good time. So you start with the acquaintance and then you're laughing you're having a good time and it kind of builds from there. Yeah, that's where it you not the coffee if you're talking about stuff and I hey I like this you like this game together and I got an extra ticket.

You know that, turn to the acquaintance in you looking for, those opportunities thing out and I have you given that much. That way the problem is that you I don't think guys think about this that much and often times people say that men are, loners like to do things on her own. We don't necessarily gravitate toward group is that true, you think that I think takes work. She had about and I think yeah I mean I think you have to, but it's anything that is worthwhile takes work, you know, and so you gotta put some thought to it. Eddie always quotes on the hood is about quiet desperation I think is what women but you know mom is getting even if it's not most men lead lives of quiet desperation and I and I think that's I think there's a lot of truth to that, you know, the women will talk the women will try you know there's a bonding there. There's but we can just sit back and look at our four nuclear phones we can just sit back and kinda looking at her phones and we could maybe make a little bit of small talk, but for whatever reason, it is that quiet desperation just kinda sits in there and would rather just sit with that and really try to exert ourselves and just give a little bit etc. I mean Jean and I jeans you know showing she's got three or four Bible studies going every week and she's got girlfriend coffee, I'm so busy I'm like what you say not to stop doing you can't do that.

These are my friends. I don't even register that we I think we wouldn't admit it is social anxiety. Let like I'm afraid of how it's going to go snogging to work out and to take some work, but the truth of the matter is if you take that chance.

I think nine times out of 10 you leave go on is great okay so we got acquaintance circle hang out circle. One of the other two circle of honor those would be the people that you go, I want to life with these people.

When you see them you just love them you want to honor their life you want you want to be a part of the world their kids world you go to their kids games. I mean, there is an honoring that happens, I will go out of my way to be a part of their world. Just as or be a part of my world with my with my teenagers like I love watching their friendships and and I love just, watching to go.

Is this a seesaw friendship because sometimes they can meet somebody and it's not a seesaw friendship doesn't go back for back-and-forth. Somebody just sits there like up in there going. Are you ever going to give me a balance you know those friendships don't last right, but when you have honor friendships. There's a good seesaw friendship going back and forth it's reciprocated in such a way to go.

We love doing life together and I know that's a cliché were doing life together. But the really is something beautiful when you when you see that an action that sounds pretty tight. That circle of honor, but yet you go to the garden friendship yeah so so there's a like in that circle of honor like that's who you would say they were out of town this week and you might keep the house like I trust him that much but you get my key yeah okay so yeah hey would you watch the dogs you know. The cat okay the garden and ships, that's another level and and that is going to be you not have very many of those and let it. It is David and Jonathan, it's that depth it's I love you more than I let my soul you know I am there for you no matter what you know there are limits to that circle of honor you know your you may not call that circle monitor to a guy I gotta talk the garden for an you call you it's Jesus ushering Peter James John further into the garden, you know, come over even even though they fell asleep but you know, but there was ushering of of three other people to come closer to my pain was close to close yet it's the end it's the final everything we just described to me that's a final and it does get smaller know it does get smaller when you go I love you so much that I want that if there is pain if there is hurt. If there is habits of there's hangups of my life. I want to assure you know my garden of pain to just be there.

Pray with me, help me through this. Whatever those things are you described in the book. The example of the paralyzed man in the New Testament.

How does it fit to friendship and what happened because it's one of the mean. It's a beautiful thing like here's these guys right and and you know the guy we don't know his name. We: Matt, Matt, but so Matt can't can't get anywhere and his buddies taking the Jesus right of all the things we can do the best thing we do take reference to Jesus. And when they can't get in and out just so like church on my part I making room for the know you should've got here early. These guys don't take no for an answer.

They go to whatever extreme it takes and then what I love is always that one guy all there's always that one guy you know when we can get it. Yeah, I got an idea. Let's go to the roof think it's the right one guy got on the that everyone what we do now is thought this would be better so down below you know it was you know Jesus is talking and sharing in all the sudden you know there's just little dirt pebbles or just fall falling down yeah yeah yeah yeah and there like him, that's gross going on but like they lower him down in this beautiful is the Scripture says, seeing their faith right not seeing his fate, seeing their faith. Jesus as your sins are forgiven you know and so this intimate friendship like we don't understand the effect of our faith has on our closest of friends that is really cool to think of it that way and again I think for us men.

We got break out of that loaner mentality may hear modern-day situations.

Why does social media make it so difficult for us to have deeper friendships and I think I know the answer here but you wrote the book.

I think we compare a lot.

I mean, I think, and I think men and women both. We we look at pictures and we can get injustice just stupor of paralyzed fear and almost compare and contrast to go. My goodness they have a better than us or they would never want to be my friend and and we extrapolate the stories of one picture looks like and we will create a whole story for it and I think it immobilizes us and and just paralyzes us in such ways to go and they they never be my friend or that look so fake I don't know about them.

We construct our own stories. Her own thoughts her own ways on these things I can say I had thought about this but I think of it, typically for women, but men have real well of inadequacy know I hadn't thought about like that. But when we are comparing ourselves were inadequate were not good husbands were not good when you see a picture of the family on the beach and everything and they look so happy. I didn't take my family to the beach and look at that dad and sisters look at that dad thrown his kid up in the air like that and how the photographer can't file that but but we we create so many stories in our heads and we are meant member fixers were doers. We want we want to make great and then we look at these things we don't have the kind of money they have. We don't week we can do what they look at their house.

You know, so I I think a lot of heart. Yeah, I think there's comparing I think there's also just the convenience I mean social media's fast food friendship right meaning and that's what we do our diet of fast food.

If you don't stop and need a good steak you don't know what good food is right and you're going and we love Jack-in-the-Box men.

That's the best you now and is now well if it is not good food right of my favorite talkers are from Jack-in-the-Box you like then you've never been a real Mexican restaurant right next to think social media is this counterfeit convenient friendship. You know when you're just missing out. Not so true. You describe as illustration your book that caught my attention by going to the movies together is really funny yeah what happened. We we wait we love movies we we've always love movies. I don't know what year was but we were. We watch and we watched everything I spoke yeah you know I mean you know that's when PG-13's came out everything out, but we witness all beaches and with Bette Midler had everything on that because it is a call and check know that it was but but I think it was nominated for some Academy Awards release.

The song was nicer beaches and you can decide, hey, let's go. Sounds like fun. Let's go see and it was about friendship. She got so much.

This it was it was the two of us may be an elderly couple and maybe three women in the theater yeah yeah yeah and so we watched beaches and and smaller.

You know, one of the best friend dies right and so so but you and I were buddies and were crying like where you're going to try to be a good cry were Synnex and one of us looks over the other. As the credits when the lights go right and go shoot but it was one of those defining moments in friendship though because he's the guy that invite me to church September 17, 1987.

He invited me to church.

He said there was pizza. I came for cheese. As I got Jesus and she had it changed my life and so you know then to watch a movie about best friends in and coming from the background of a home life that I came back from coming week. We got your truck and it was like it was this moment of like spread spread and work were saying these things is dudes going. I love you. You're my best friend and and when when that just is infused with Jesus. It's it's a beautiful thing.

I will never forget I will never forget that night and I was like to be that vulnerable, and to go. You are my best friend.

I love you and I'm so thankful that you're in my life. Yeah, that was a huge moment, but I have cried in from your wife and a movie or live by, I doesn't cry were not saying that if you want to great friendship. You have to watch out with Eddie James and Tommy Woodward.

Our guest today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and word and encourage you to get a copy of their book smells like bacon, this get guys guide to lifelong friendships. Stop by the show notes for your copy or give us a call 800 the letter a in the word family and I can so relate to this next question because my son Trent struggled a little bit and hugging his loci had a clinic teach him how to hug you guys had a similar conversation observing each other.

I don't know which one you was the non-hugger but what are there is an on yeah yeah me not – this was an college freshman yeah yeah this is an college.

Trent is now great hugger just as readily as he drank it he made a man like you did Eddie make it okay like I come from a family of muggers, you know that's what you do you know me, and it saves a great time conceal a tug unit. We hug with each other. We hug Willie know that's what works code was rough on you know, but we're we were somewhere in the why YMCA.

Yeah, we were working out right yeah and we were getting ready go to California and turns away like we had muscle up. Yeah. Yes, it is actually and I think I given you a hug and then is like some person in the car right yeah my trunk yeah yeah yeah and then and I was like sums bother me you identified yeah and I and I came from a very sarcastic home not not not a touchy-feely home and like what is wrong with you what is in any like what were you guys is like saying I don't how to say just say it.

We just say it yeah and here I am college-age guy say to my buddy. You don't hug me, but what about your mouth right you know what what what what you hug, you know you know you like goldfish yeah you know regular Jell-O you know and but so what was happening. The moment we didn't realize that all was I was voicing a felt need, you know, I mean II had a felt need that I needed to know that you care about me. And in that you give me a hug back yeah you think about friendships. What's so amazing you know if you were willing to learn through her friendship. III think back to that moment to go on. Yeah I was pretty closed off. I was pretty defensive.

I had walls I could use humor to escape any intimacy I could use humor to not to never really give of myself but make everyone like me. I can people please my way through this. I can unit a little song and dance, make people laugh, but I don't ever have to give of myself and to be confronted.but from a buddy, you know, still a teenager to go.

I guess I don't hug. I guess I am afraid of what that early early age to start realizing those hundred percent. I'm so thankful you mentioned the book how important conflict is in a relationship.

So most people and some guys would be conflict averse writing. It's good to avoid Tommy good for you right okay so you didn't hug but he didn't like conflicts arise, wise conflict, a positive ingredient in a relationship. How do you make it positive. I mean we been friends for over 30 yeah 30 years and I we have in our book at the chapter in a book and and it's something that we say to each other.

It's called going to the tunnel chaos. No one likes to go through the tunnel chaos with the tunnel of love is a beautiful swan yeah you since want the tunnel chaos is goose. Yeah, it's an ugly good Muslim goose splinters on the seat. I mean, it's a horrible ride. You don't want to get on II avoided at all costs. It's really great at confrontation and and one of the things that helps us is being able to say hey we need to go through the tunnel chaos together. Now the conversation that we have right yeah yeah yes you know what's coming. You know too many times we try to ease into confrontation passively aggressively say something and we kinda meet merely toast your way through it yet. Not singing yeah and so when you go hand in the telecast with you. You both might be like okay, let's do it now, in fact an illustration you said mentioned in the book is time a period of time where you're struggling with drinking. I think I'll yeah yeah and Eddie kinda came to your rescue sets are great if you don't mind sharing it. That's a great illustration friend will help. I grew up Baptist and you didn't drink. You know I mean and I was in my 30s before I started you know right and it was it was a very quick but all the sudden oh you know I'm in trouble here, you know, and my body would would be the guy like once I had this moment of where the Lord really came in was like you got it because stop this.

You know it when I went straight to him and said hey I we need talk about this because I can't do this that's really friendships are so critical.

It's exactly right.

I picked up the phone. The more I like art friend. I'd throw the conference. I drove home from the airport drunk and I went to bed. I woke up the next morning and I promise you, what was in my head was let the morning bring me joy of your unfailing love and God just broke me with that and I went to my wife and I said I've been dishonest with you about this because I was hiding it in the next thing I did was I picked up my phone. I called Eddie and I say I have a problem. I don't ever get to do this again is much more to my story unitedly doesn't just stop right there. If you have a struggle with addiction of any kind, you know it's not one prayer and you're done. You know there's more to the process, but he's the guy that I went to immediately and said II need that you know and you know you focus is here for people that are struggling any type of addiction. We got counselors so will get you always moving from that seriousness to bacon and another addiction your fresh bacon. I had a bacon weave in the euro since my buddy moved to my wife and I lived in the parsonage right which is your youth pastor I was you pastor so it's the parsonage. The pastor didn't. What if that let you okay desperate yes we had a incontinent cat and so it smelled like old pastor and cat urine. So I had why in the world did you go sit right there I moved from California back in night and I need a place to stay and I didn't know what to do and I was a little burnout. I was I worked you know from 18 years old to pride. 25. At that point I was in a big church and I was tired.

I didn't know what was next and so hate and that was the mother-in-law room in the back of the room is the positive Angela okay I was in the back behind the garage.

In this little evangelist room and that's where I stayed. I was also on the Atkins diet in the mid-90s.

Dr. Atkins came out with a thing of don't do any carbs see protein and so God bless Tommy and Angie and she would go to work. You would go across street to the church right and I would make bacon like a whole slab lot morning breakfast. What you need to know is I was losing weight it was. It worked for Aiken was make me lose weight and the smell had to be better Well mediated and everything out it was all in this house with all the other smells and your dear wife, sweet wife, sweet wife was like Tommy help me understand why is her house smell like bacon yeah and all I can say is that the smell of friendship smell of friendship is. I mean the total title of the book smells like bacon is that's what friendships you there's a whole thing. There were right at the end but for people to get the rest of the story. Get the book because you do talk about how friendship and marriage needs to work harmoniously and sometimes it doesn't.

Yes, I will say this 30 year friendship. It's hard to find men or women who have 30 or friendships like the only thing you can compare it to is a marriage that lasts that long and so that the secret behind this book is yet a great book for guys is a great marriage book like no that's you. If you practice these things in your marriage. It's fantastic. You know, and again I mentioned were at the end so I got a asked this question for the guy who feels like that long wall for me.

What are some ways that can break that habit and and find that coffee friend and then move that to something deeper trust. I think a lot of guys lose hope and trust in other men you know they don't find that relationship that works for them to speak to that guy. I would encourage you to just say yes just to say yes to the opportunities. I don't know for supposed to do everything alone but that may sound so simple, but to just say yes to an opportunity of friendship whether it's a church and you see somebody like maybe this could work.

I know it feels awkward.

I know were not in high school anymore, but to just go you know, even if you're in a small group and there's just someone you feel like you connect with to just coffee. You know, I know it's an awkward thing because women can go with just works right, but for a guy to say to another guy you want your you're going to have coffee but it feels like that nobody's going to come and go kart work on my car golf you know okay whatever those things are finals opportunities just say yes because you you may be in the midst of the wonderful beautiful friendship that happens, and it's been so good and I hope people, men particularly, but their wives and girlfriends as well. You are kinda sparked here to look into this in a deeper way. Smells like bacon. The skit guys guide to lifelong friendships you pick that up right here Focus on the Family help us to do ministry, you can make a gift of any amount will send it as our way of saying thank you if you can make that monthly. That's great because it helps us do ministry here ministry base and supporter base so it all works and you get a great resource to strengthen your relationships in your sphere of influence. It's been great. Thanks for being with the Superfund. Thank you much and follow up by getting a copy of smells like bacon guys guide to life on any James and Tommy would get details in the show notes or give us a call 800 K and the word 800-232-6459 next time on Focus on the Family, Crystal Evans hurst will encourage you to see life differently. Maybe instead of lamenting your mess.

You just need to phone your message that God knows what behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting back once more help you and your family right in Christ. Your marriage is not a story.

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