Rediscovering Your Joy in Motherhood (Part 1 of 2)

Imagine what it's like to sale on the open sea wind waves sunshine. The drink sounds wonderful investment. Suddenly, without warning, because it is shattered. The ship we were sailing on, is under attack by pirates.

It's chaotic scenario is very similar to what can happen to you almost every day.

If your mom especially during those early childhood years.

Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly were to be sharing some encouragement and hope, especially for young moms and dads would recommend you hang around as well because mom with young children needs all the support she can get. Thanks for joining us on John Fuller in your house is focused president and author Jim Daly John, that was impressive, her job, the drama will have to look for opportunities by memories of raising small children what my wife was like when I got home that show different okay but today were talking about peace pirates. This is a great concept and you know I wasn't the pirate I was more like Batman.

As a kid running around I identified the talent) okay boys we have a lot of money.

There was so much fun, but that what you're describing can be a challenging season for moms and dads who are caring for young children. It is chaos.

It is that storm and the winds and the waves crashing into the ship of your family and today were going to talk with a wonderful guest about some of those observations and how to embrace the moment and perhaps even calm the storm you were really happy to have Ashley Willis back with us again here in the studio. She was here a few months ago with her husband Dave I describing how you can have a stronger, healthier marriage, even during storms and today would be hearing more about a book she wrote a great title.

Peace pirates conquering the beliefs and behaviors that steal your treasure in motherhood. You can find details of the episode notes or give us a call 800 K. The word family Ashley welcome back to focus just letting you realize this was government intervention for John pirate pirate desires pirates off the front still present. Ashley, let's get into your mother for boys ages 7 to 17 moms listening to how your like a steamed among all women. Those ages we have to, but it is busy and I'm sure households with girls are busy to fool anyone in that regard with that business how you continue to love your children in that way that you want to that you know they need to be loved with all that going on.

I mean with the runny noses with the messes with the cleanup with the loads of laundry everything that's going on, no matter how you and Dave divide those responsibilities but had to keep the ship moving in the right direction toward a Northstar.

I think it just takes it takes a lot of intentionality and a lot of monitoring and adjusting if there's anything I've learned in 90 and upon for 17 years now. That's what I've learned. I never really think you're amazing. When you say that would be your mom for 17 years and still like him on that long but that's not at all by the way, okay, I think it taught me so much because just when I think in just one day my husband thinks like how we got this parenting thing down. There's a new season mainly adding additional child to the family. Something else changes your life will throw a lot of things away and said there is a lot of chaos and you know I try for a big portion of my life believe the lie, chaos, and that many of us believe that this is Kenneth in our culture believes that really you cannot have peace if there's any kind of chaos in your life. Like the only time you can really have peace as a family. As a mom and dad is when there's like your circumstances are calm and everything is going your way to achieving is dreams you set out the kids are always behaving like that that was my belief and what I found � in all the years being a mother is. That's the definition how the world can ever experience God's peace and so on this journey to really discover you. How can I peace in motherhood because I don't want to just begrudgingly get through mother had just survived that I want to actually thrive and I want to truly enjoy Mike and so that's why talk about these things. I call peace pirates these things that are kind of attacking my peace pirates when I didn't want to steal from you. They want to make you feel you know like everything's topsy-turvy and there are things I like to do this but in the book. I describe you know how we can really conduct that, and it really starts first. By understanding what God's peace really since I don't know why we have this boat metaphor going but with everything Jesus himself in the store sleep cycles were happy about that. Like, how can he sleep through this right, wakes up and says that you guys got your attention on the wrong thing amazing is that story to you because you know he's recorded as saying peace be still and he does calm the waters.

He does calm this chaotic circumstances really to kind of teach the disciples a lesson in that they can depend on him, but he also in essence is telling us listen even when the waters are going crazy. If you can just trust. Trust in the Lord. Trust that he still sees that he still with you.

You can actually have peace in the midst of the storm actually did at Hebrew word study on the workpiece. Many people know what shalom and he pretty got Israel today, instead of just saying hello there can actually say shalom which actually means. Have God's peace and when you look at the deeper meaning of this and the earliest way that the Hebrews wrote this word to each other for symbols that make up the word shalom actually carry this definition. It means breaking the authority established by chaos. While I know when I set out to write this book and you know that definition yet but when I looked at it. I just just blew my mind because I thought oh my goodness that's what God wants us to have. He wants us to have his peace and that means being under his authority, not the authority whatever chaos is going on in our life, not the authority as a waiver teenager, not the authority of it yet.

A tantrums of a toddler, not the authority of a financial situation is just making us feel like we can get a grip on life.

You know we have to make sure that we put all of those things under God's authority by surrendering them to him and also trusting him in any really having peace in the midst of chaos has a lot to do with trust reducers with remember one call that the world may know he's a Jewish scholar and he has to the two pieces when sin entered the world chaos the world.

Great way to look at the batter's worship. Every day is the chaos of this world you know keeping that trend of the boat metaphor you had a kayak story in the book that was. I mean first of all, it's hilarious, but you started to jump in and say something to share.

All right. Well when I was pregnant with our fourth boy was about 30 weeks pregnant. So I had scholars of the time and I think our third was probably two or three years old, I decided it was a good idea for us to go into this big kayak trip eruption. What were you thinking I don't let's go for this kind really like comfortably get the thing I don't even know back on this have on you know everything I like this even happened little family strolled by the Savannah River. In our town of Augustine Georgia and I always wanted to do the kayaks and I saw them and I had that pregnancy brain them and I was like this is the moment it's a beautiful day.

It's not too hot. Let's see this in my suite has been looked at me probably like I was crazy but was like hearing for it. I guess I am too silly. Proceed to go on this kayak trip and as you can imagine, we have two separate kayaks days seen on one kayak with with two kids and I think I'm in one with our toddler are better now. It is in saints are toddler starts being just not like he's moving the kayak and I've course don't have the mobility that I would usually have 30 Weeks Pregnant and Severe, Stamping, and I Very Calmly Trying to Tell Him to Stop, but Then I'm All out like I Get to the Point I'm Yelling in on Mike's Swindon I Know My Buoyancy Was to Be like, and I Noticed Out Of the Corner of My Eye Are Trying to Communicate Note from Kayak to Kayak down This River. I Noticed This Young Couple like Young They Couple Is Strolling and Looking at Us like Talking like What's Going on with That Crazy Mom or Future Birth Control Birth Control and Dad and They Just Got It As like What Is Going on. We Made It Ended up That It Was so Bad with the Toddler at the Time to See Just He Was Just Sure. Just Being Sedated Tethered Our Kayaks Together and He Alone with Our Older Boys.

He Was Just the Man. He Was That He with Our Older Boys Help Kinda like Just Got Us to the Finish Line and Then a Bus with the Kayak. The Kayak Company Came to Get Mike There Is No Way Were Going Back I Mean It Was Just It Was Nuts and I Think You Know One Lesson I Learned Is You Have To Set Yourself up to Win like You Don't Set Yourself up to Fail and I Think Again I Wasn't Looking at What Was Really Required to Do This to Our Kayak Tract, but Also I Just Learned in That Moment, to Just Just Tell That Is Really a Metaphor for A Lot Of the Gears of Raising Kids Because It Is Topsy-Turvy and They Don't Always Cooperate and Had the Best Laid Plans and They Don't Go Your Way, but What I Was Trying to Deepen in Those Years of Studying Peace and Trying to Really Be the Best Mom I Could Be Was like How Do I Get X Enough Healthy Expectations, but Also When It Doesn't Go My Way. How Can I Still Appreciate This Gift of Motherhood Because I Want to Appreciate. I Want I Want to Just Relish These Years Because They Go by so Fast You Stress for Moms Not Miss the Moments Not to Get so Distracted by Those Chaotic Things That Your You're Missing the Things Account. I Guess the Question On Behalf Of Moms Is Okay. How Do You Discern When That Moment Is I Don't Want to Miss That Moment Were the Moments I Can Just Forget Right Well I Do Think I'm Glad You Mentioned That There Are Moments That You Want to Forget, and I Think That Were Human Beings Were Not Perfect. God Doesn't Expect Us to Be Perfect. He Is the Only Perfect Parent and Actually Take Great Comfort in That. Like I Look at the Story Says That Jesus Parents and They Lost Him for Three Days. I'm in the Word God. God Understands It. As Parents We Get Stressed out and He Just Puts That Story in There for Good Measure to Let Us Know. Hey There Know Her Parents so I Take Great Comfort in That.

But I Think That Even with Knowing That I Think It's Really Important When We Look We Do Say Were Sorry Our Kids Need to See Us Having a Repentant Heart like When We Blood Sounding and Saying, Were Sorry, but I Think That Not Staying in the Thick. Whatever Happened to Long and Finding the Humor in It and That's Something That My Has Been Day. This Is to Tell Me so Much and He's so Good at Finding the Humor at the Right Monument Has To Be at the Right Moment Because It Can Definitely Backfire Back and like As a Family like This Kayak Trip. For Example, You Know Once I Got in the Car and I'm Feel like a Total Failure As a Mom like I Just Lost My Mind out There on the Water and I Was Just like This Is Supposed to Be Good Moment. Now It's Just a Bad Memory, and I Think One of Our Older Boys Is like Mom That Was so Awesome He Went Crazy. So I Was so Mad at First but Then I Started Laughing like Guys. You're Right, I'm so Sorry I'm so Sorry I Lost My Temper.

Hopefully We Can Look Back on This and Laugh and Let Me Tell You This Was Many Years That We Have Laughed and Laughed over the Story and so Sometimes You Know Those Words Moments Can Become like Just Some Levity Just in Their Day-To-Day Life. And so We Actually Become One of Our Favorite Stories at My Expense. But It's One of Those Markers. Those Are Great Lessons When They Can like That See It Illustrated and so Good of You to Come Back and Talk about Your Failures As Well.

We All Fail Right You've Identified for Peace Pirates.

These Things That Robert Joy Roberts of the Moment. What Are the All Right They Are Mommy Martyrdom Which Is the Big One Talk a Little Bit.

Let's All Right This Is One Where I Was Writing This Book and Explain It to My Friend Just Kinda Seen What They Thought about This.

It Was That at First As Mothers Were like We Do That, but Actually I Bases Force Peace Pirates on an Actual Survey That I Did with 300 Moms Okay Because I Wanted to See What Are the Tendencies. It Is Just My Opinion or Is This a Tendency for Most Mothers and This Is from Mothers of All Walks of Life, with All Different Age Kids, Married and Unmarried Mommy Martyrdom Yeah What Is That This Was a Big One. So Mommy Martyrdom Is Basically When We End up Making Our Kids in Idle and We Actually Kinda Neglect Ourselves to the Point of like Being a Martyr That We Are Our Kindness Hanging on the Cross for Our Kids at Stake Right Now. If You're Doing Well. Like You're Never Getting the Amount of Sleep You Need. Ever. And It's Not Because You Can't Because It's a Crazy Season, or Whatever, but Because You're Just As Always for the Kids Are Choosing to Choose Exactly or Neglecting Yourself If Your Marriage Is Always on the Back Burner for a Married Person, and It's Always like That the Kids That the Kids Is They Become like Your Your Excuse All the Time.

Okay, You Tell Yourself It's Because the Kids That We Have a Bad Marriage but Really Look at Your Spouse and You like Is Because We Haven't Talked in so Many Years of Heads Writing on Investing the Time. I Think You Just When It's Really All of Your Thoughts Okay and I Know This Is Going to Step on Some Toes, but Literally All Your Thoughts Are Surrounding Your Kids and to the Point of Being Fearful of the Future, to the Point of Anxiety Is Making Your Kids in Idle and They're Not Supposed to Be God in Our Life. And I Think That so Many Times They Become Well You Are Describing What Many Talk about, Which Is a Child Centric Family, As Opposed to Marriage Centered Family Exactly Much Better When It Is Okay so That's Mommy Martyrdom. I Think A Lot Of Moms Will Identify with Other Try to Do the Best Job They Can Do. But There Is a Point at Which You Need to Reach a Better Equilibrium for What Is a Great Way to Say Because I Do Think Sometimes with Mothers in Particular That We See More with Moms and with That Poor Laura Wants Me so Bad Want to Be Good Moms Who Want to Lead Our Kids in the Right Way but I Think Sometimes We End up Trying to Live Vicariously through Them Sometimes and to Fill Parts of Our Life That the Child Is Not Even Supposed to Fill That's Really See Codependent Relationships That That Really Don't Not Only Don't Serve Us Well That Really Set Our Kids up for Issues Later on What's Important in This, but I Say This Because I Myself Struggled with Each and Everyone That We We Gotta Make Sure That That We Have God First and They Were Married in Our Marriage and Our Children. We Have To Keep Things in Biblical Alignment and Just Not Not Put It's Really A Lot Of Pressure on Ourselves but Also on Our Children Because Were Looking at. Then to Just to Be Our Whole Life and Yes We As Mothers Make Sacrifices for Our Kids. Absolutely These Parents Do This As Part of Being a Parent but Were Not Supposed to Put Them As an Idol Leverages Living for Them and Sacrificing Everything for Them to the Point of Neglect Ourselves Yeah That's a Whole Book. Yes, Okay. Number Two, Number Two Clinching Control Is a Big Piece of Hardware and This Is When I Struggled with so Much As Mess with Me so Much.

Just Trying to Control Our Children Now on One Aspect We Have To Discipline Our Kids.

We Need to Have Expectations of Our Children. There Needs to Be Some Semblance of Control.

I Do Think That Sometimes It Comes to Control and My Has Been Set It so That This Way Where Where This Becomes an Issue Is When Our Kids Are Doing Well with Patterson's on the Back and We Take All That Credit Are Aware, Just Right Now for Mom and Dad, but Then When They're Doing Badly, Select Complete and Total Sailors and We Take on All of That Failure and Really It Somewhere in the Middle of All This Right Got Barter Kids Each Differently There Can Have Some Things It's Really Easy to Teach Them and to Guide Them and to Lead Them and Other Things There That Are Really Rebels Are Going to Really Test Edison. His Parents Were Constantly Monitoring and Adjusting and Really Looking at Kind of How Healthy Our Standards Are That It's Not Control for Making Us Look Good. You Know, and I Really Struggled with This Where I'd Be out in Public at Heavy Scoring Rambunctious Boys and They Be Maybe a Little Louder Than They Needed to Be. I Would Feel like They're Embarrassing Me Right There Embarrassing Me. I Take That on Outages Really Wrestle with That and It Wasn't Necessarily about Teaching Them Proper Etiquette so to Speak, but It Was the Reflection on Me and Dad Seen a Definite Enough Evidence to That. I Really Wrestle with That for a Number of Years.

It Was like Do I Want My Really Teaching in These Sayings Based on Unit Following the Lord in Their Character and the Things That Are That Last Widow and or Is It Just to Make Me Look Bad Because I Was Actually Reminded of This We Had to Neighbor Kids That on the Surface Were Very Polite Said Their Names and Servers. But Then I Would Witness Them to the Roadrunner House A Lot. And behind Closed Doors. There Was This Major Character Issues That on the Surface. The Parents Love All the Names and Servers. They Love the Pats on the Back like Your Kids Are so Polite and I Told My Has Been Us a Lesson.

I Guess on on the One Hand � I Would Love It If My Kids Are Always Saying the Right Thing and We Were Getting Pats on the Back but on the Other. It Really Is about Character. I Don't Want Them to Be Great on the Surface and Us Getting All These Accolades That Really in Their Heart Is Just Not It's Not Flourishing.

It's All for Show.

We Want to Raise Kids Where It Goes Deep Where They Really Are Living a Life That Is Pleasing to the Lord and Not Just to Please Mom and Dad Mean That's the Goal Is They Want.

We Wanted to Please the Lord Will Another Way of Saying That to Trying to Shape Behavior Robe and Shape the Heart.

Yes, in the Christian Households Know We Leans so Heavily on the Behavior That's Important. Yeah, I Don't Mishear Me, but We've Got to Shape the Heart Because the Right Behavior Will Flow from the Right Heart Exactly and Sometimes Your Kids Can Fool You.

By Providing the Right Behavior without Having the Right Heart Okay Number Three and Four Excessive Expectations.

We Talk A Lot about Expectations in This Book and They All Interrelate Because You Know I Mention Expectations with Clinching Control, but Really I Think That We Have To Take an Assessment of What Expectations Do We Have for Our Children and Also What Expectations Are We Allowing to Be Placed on Us and This Is Where That Definition That Real Definition of God's Peace Alone Comes and Because I Think Sometimes We Allow Ourselves to Be Ruled by Expectations, Whether on Us or the Ones That We Feel Are Being Fulfilled Unfulfilled by Our Children or Even Our Spouse and so You Know, A Lot Of Times in and in the Research That Been Doing.

I Found This This Huge Just Issue the Expectation It Was Nobody's Ever Listening to Me. There Never Quite Doing It That Way or That We Maybe Even Put on Herself like Sometimes We Just Have These Unrealistic Expectations for Ourselves As a Mother or Me Think God Is Putting on a Somehow and so We Kind of Go around Halfhearted Feeling like We're Failing Everybody's Failing and Is Just Bad but I Remember Dave Early in Parenting Especially Had Multiple Kids He Was like See You Are Letting This Just Rule Your Day. We Are Living or Dying by Whether or Not These Certain Expectations Were for Sale. He's like We Gotta Find a Way to Have Peace. In This like We Got It We Need to Have Good Standards for Our Children. We Absolutely Do We Have To Decide That As a Family As a Couple and Dad Make Sure They Understand That but We Also Have To Make Sure Is This Excessive or Is This Realistic Is This Something That Is a Healthy Expectation and If so Have I Actually Told Them We Know How They Can Meet As Expectation or in My Allowing My Allowing Maybe Other Things to Shape My Expectations That Aren't Even Really One of My Ideals That I Feel like It's Part of Our Family. I Think It's Just Really Good to Take That Self-Assessment. It's Good to Challenge Her Expectations Were the Source of That Is Coming from My Number Four and Not Really Semaphore so This Is a Big One in Our Social Media Driven World, and That's Comparison Chaos.

I Think Every Mount Others Holdups on This Unit We Don't Comparison Whether It's Looking at Instagram Are Just Talking to Your Friends. Maybe Even Your Own Family like You Feel like My Family Was Always This Way. And Now My Family Looks This Way like Constantly Feeling like You're Not Meeting the Market Because of Comparison. Not Because You're Actually Talking to Your Spouse and Saying Okay What Is That When Our Family to Look like Because Every Family Slightly Different and Really Having Peace and That and I Know for Me Personally I Mean Sometimes I Have To Put down to Put down the Phone Because We Have To Realize Were All Shelling on Highlight Reels on Their like I Can Take Pictures of My Kayak Fiasco and Everything I Said to My Child and Plaster It on Social Media Because That's like My One of My You Know Not Great Moment like the Day That the Kid Gets the Award at School or You Know Has the Perfect Picture Everybody Smiling at the Camera, Which Is Literally a Miracle. That's What I'm Putting on Line You Know Actually I Was Reminded about This by My Child When We Were Going to an Award Ceremony Was Our Second Child, Connor, Who Didn't. He's a Great Kid Doesn't Always Get Academic Awards. He's Very Smart but Not Schools, Not Really. That Is His Place.

He Doesn't Love. It Is against This Invitation and I Was Talking Husband. I Was like Oh My Gosh, It's Great. He's Getting an Award. Finally, We Were All Just That When They Finally Get to the End of the Ceremony and Actually Right before the End and It Was Where I Believe He Was Gonna Get Awarded Waiting and Waiting and It Turns out It Was Just like a You Are Part of This Project, Participation, and so I Looked at My Cousin Is That He's Going to Be so Disappointed. He Thought He Was Getting Something Some Kind of Award That like That or You Know It Is Just an Honorable Mention. Like, You Know, We Went All This Tilted up and Here's This Well. The Next Award Was the Biggest Award of the Day and It Was like the Character Word or Something like That and They End up Announcing One of His Best Friends Claire Gets the Character Word and I See My Son Connor after He Received His Participation Award Stands up and Proceeds to Client for His Friend Claire and Looks Back at Me Has Such a Just Joy All over His Face and Then after They Dismissed He Ran up to Me and He Said Monkeys Take a Picture with Clear She Got the Biggest Award of the Fifth Grade. Isn't That Awesome. I'm so Proud of Claire When He Walked off the Care He Took the Picture and Then He's Mainly with His Friends. I Looked over at My Husband and I Said I Can't Believe That My Own Child Understands Awards and What Really Matters Better Than Me. Here I Am, As the Mother Again, Wanting to Pat Myself on the Back Because of Whatever and and He's over Here Having Such a Joy to Cheer on His Friend and That to Me.

That Was Better Than Any Award Because My Child Could Cheer on His Friend, and I Just Hotly I Just Let Me in.

I Can't Lose Sight of Those Moments Because They May or May Not Get Worse. Words Greatly Have To Really Look for Those Designs Is Growing. What an Amazing Story or Just Ashley Willis Sharing from Her Book Peace Pirates Conquering the Beliefs and Behaviors That Steal Your Treasure in Motherhood and Will Encourage You to Get a Copy of It from Us Here at Focus On The Family.

Donate Today and Will Send the Book to You. Our Number Is 800 K in the Word Family 800-232-6459 Were Stop by the Program Notes to Learn More, John.

I Love That Store That Actually Told You It Speaks to an Issue That All Parents Struggle with.

I Think, and I Think It's Further to Say We All Can Be Guilty of Comparison. It's Easy to Look at How Other Couples Are Parenting or the Accomplishments Their Kids Are Attaining and We Make That Comparison.

You Know They're Doing Better Than I Am. And When We Do That We Miss the Opportunity to Recognize Where Our Kids Are Succeeding and How Their Characters Growing.

We Have To Remember That Every Family Is Different.

Just like a Fingerprint. So, Just As Ashley Said, We Have To Ask God What He Wants Our Family to Look like It's Good Jim and We Have These Programs like Today so That We Can Come Alongside Parents Who Are Struggling in Some Sort of Way, John. That Reminds Me of a Mom Who Recently Wrote to Us and Said I Have Two Teen Boys Relate to the 13 and 16 and My Husband and I Are Having a Hard Time Teaching Them to Become Responsible, Respectful Adults and Start Letting Go and Giving Them More Freedom to Make Their Own Choices and Mistakes. Your Programs Give Me Hope and Helps Me to Know I'm Not the Only Parent Struggling with These Issues.

Well First of All, You Have Teen Boys. Oliver Struck His and I Just Love It Because That's the Mission Focus On The Family. It's Why We're Here to Help Parents and to Give Them Hope for the Future. That's Why Were Telling You about Resources like Ashley's Book Peace Pirates Conquering the Beliefs and Behaviors That Steal Your Treasure in Motherhood and If You Can Make a Gift of Any Amount to Focus On The Family to Help Us with Ministry Will Send This Book Right out to You As Our Way of Saying Thank You for Partnering with Us to Help a Broader Swath of People Find That Joy in Their Parenting Journey. We Also Have Tons of Online Resources Available for Your Focus Is a Treasure Trove of Help and I Hope You'll Tapas and the Just Call Us or Get a Hold of Us Are Numbers 800 K in the Word Family Were Really Doing to Help Equip Your Family in Any Way We Can. So Donate and Get Ashley's Book Peace Pirates When You Call 800-3264 59 Were Stop by the Program Notes and Tomorrow Will Continue the Conversation with Ashley Willis about Reclaiming Joy in Mother.

We Do Need to Know God Gave Kid. They'd Rolled or Selling, but I Think Only Allow That to Just Rule in Our Hearts Where Love Is the Festival They Were Missing. Missing On Behalf Of Jim Daly and the Entire Team. Thanks for Listening Today to Focus On The Family I'm John Fuller Inviting You Back Once More Help You and Your Family Thrive.

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