Building the Bridge to Forgiveness (Part 1 of 2)

Today on Focus on the Family Dr. Gary Chapman shares encouragement for those times when you might have some discord in a relationship God does not want you depressed for three months because you send against your spouse. They want you to accept his forgiveness cannot move on to something good. The day you'll learn how to do just that and our hostess focus. President Jim Daly thanks for joining us I'm John Fuller, John.

We always enjoy having Trevor here in the studio but today featuring a prerecorded presentation about forgiveness and this is for everyone who feels stuck trying to mend the relationship be with a spouse, a child, the boss because there are things you can do on your side of the equation. Listen and see Dr. Chapman is probably best known for his series of books on the five love languages in this content is from his book the five apology languages you know Dr. Gary Chapman speaking at Moody Bible Institute on today's episode of Focus on the Family to speak on the topic of tearing down the wall.

There is no question but what many marriages, many families parent-child relationships.

There are long thick high walls that exist between the people involved, the walls get erected in relationships.

I would suggest that they are erected one stone at a time when we got married we didn't have any walls between us. We were close. Everything was wonderful we could spend hours together and want more when we went home we wanted to go back to those days as of you are married.

Can you go back about three weeks before you got married dear Linda, remember how happy you were going to be the dreams you had, you can hardly wait to get married. That's the way I felt I was 23 and I can hardly wait to be as happy as I was going to be when I met that woman and we could get together but never about three weeks after you were married you guys remember the afternoon you came home and said to her, guess what darling I'm going to the game on Thursday night with the guys know our team is on top and do you remember what you gals said going to the game with the guys you met the first and only what he's done. He said well you don't think I'm going to give up ballgames.

Just because we got married.

She said well know what you're gonna leave me a call all weekend. He said well you know none of the guys are going take their wives and she said yeah they don't have one exit door to the left is and what you did gals and many didn't matter whether he went to the game or state home you had a miserable weekend. Remember that we can buy little experience was like putting a block and a wall between the two but in those days you were in. So you got over three or four weeks down the road you'd almost forgotten that little bit, but the block was still there was another event you another block and then another and then another, and many of your friends now who been married for five years or 15 or 25 minute your friends.

Now have a long wall and only now they don't have any love things all they have now is hostility hurt, anger and bitterness are just apathy. Just stay away from each other just live and let live.

And if you happen to talk to the husband and that marriage about his marriage and if he opens up at all.

I can tell you what he will say about the Mary he will tell you about the blocks on her side, he will say you want to know what I live with but you won't hear another one… About the time he gets them telling you about all his life's failures you want to wonder how anybody could ever live with that woman. And if you ever meet his wife, you will be shocked because she won't look anything like you thought she would look and if she opens up about the marriage. I can tell you what she will say she will tell you about the blocks on his side. She will say you want to know what I live with on the day the baby was born. He played golf while they are not on the day they had my mother's funeral he went to the softball game and she will continue to tell you about the blocks on his side and I both have the idea that the problem in this marriage is the other and the same thing is true in every family relationship.

If you talk to parents about their relationship with their children. Most parents have the idea that if my children would just then things would be better. But if you talk to their children. You will get another story because children and young people have the idea that if their parents were just wake up, then things would be different than our house. If my mother would just if my father would and most of us spend our energy blaming the other family members for the situation that were in. Now when we come to talk about tearing down those walls so that we can begin to rebuild relationship. I want to read you the words of Jesus in Matthew chapter 7, beginning with verse three. The analogy is different but the message is very clear. Jesus said why do you behold the spec that is in your wife's but do not consider the being that is in your own how is it that you will save your husband, let me pull the speck out of your I and behold, there's a beam in your own bile hypocrite, first cast the beam out of your own and then thou shalt see clearly to cast the spec makes. Have you ever read that I put in the word husband-wife in late okay it says brother but the principle applies in a marriage, as well as all other relationships. Jesus said if you want to improve our relationship.

A place you start is by getting the beam out of your own eye to use my analogy tearing the wall down on your side, not on their side. The folks it's terribly easy for me to say that, but it is not easy to do that by nature that's not the way we operate.

For example, I often when couples come to see me after we talked a bit.

I will say to them.

I tell you I like to do. I like to give each of your sheet of paper and I want to put you in a in separate rooms for 10 minutes and I would like for you to make me a list of all the things that are wrong with your spouse.

Okay just tell me all of their fighters in this marriage okay and they usually are rather eager to do that. All they like them sign and I will sit down and I will begin writing and I will write and write and write and write and write and when I bring them back at the end of 10 minutes.

Most of them were still writing when I go get it back. One lady said the night before she ever left the room she said I'll tell you right now. It'll take more paper than and I bring them back and I read their list silently and when I get through reading their list. I say to them you know this is good. You all done a good job. This shows a lot of insight and it does it shows all those things are between the two of what I say before we work on days I would like you to go back and this time I would like you to make me a list of all the things wrong with you. Just tell me your failures in this marriage okay do you know that I will sit down and most people can think of one right away.

They call it their besetting sin so they write it down number one will I do lose my temper once in a while or whatever it is they'll write it down, but I have seen folks sit there and sit there and sit there trying to think of number two and so has anyone ever come back to my office with more than four things on his or her list.

27 things wrong with his wife but he only has four listless. In fact, one lady came back after 10 minutes per paper was blank and she said not examine I know you're not globally see said but I honestly can't think of a thing I'm doing wrong and I didn't say anything because I do know what the site I never met a perfect woman before and after 30 seconds of silence. He said well now if he were here know what he would say and I said what's that she said well he would say that I'm failing of the sexual area and again I say anything because I do know what side and 30 seconds later she said well he's probably right about that, but that's all I can think why didn't clobber on the head.

But that's all she could think of. That's pretty big. A marriage I don't ever forget God instituted the sexual part of the marriage as well as the rest.

You see, it is not easy to the whole beam in our own. It's much easier to see the things and along with them to see the things wrong with me, so I want to give you three steps on how to get the beam out of your car how to tear the wall down on your side. Number one.

Identify your own failures.

Identify your own failures, we gotta get him on the front burner. How do you do that, I suggest prayer prayer. Psalm 139 versus 23 and 24 is a good example. David said search me oh God, and know my heart try me and know my thoughts and see if there is any wicked way in me, that's about as straightforward as you can get Lord shine your spotlight on me and show me where I am failing in this relationship.

Folks if you will sincerely pray that prayer get your pencil ready because God will answer that prayer. He will point out to you that he will not give you all of your failures on the same night that would tease you what he will give you enough that you can begin to tear the wall down on your side.

We got the first Abilify.

Where am I failing in this matter and it doesn't take God a long time to get right to the point with you. I mean he will bring back to you all those verses you have memorized about. Be ye kind one to another, and he will remind you what happened last night you have to say, I was not, and he will bring that word you tenderhearted and you will have to say I was not tenderhearted yesterday. I was harsh and cold and bitter and cruel and mean and he will bring to you that word, forgiving one another, and you will have to say all gone. I have not forgiven them. I bring it up every third day and he will bring to your mind all the promises that you made that you never Remove a promise to paint the bedroom four years ago still not claim to know one of the woman's man and he will bring to your mind all the failures that in your own life, you must first of all, identify look and God is the best source to identify the because God knows the truth about you, and God knows the truth about second step we confess those things for God confession to God. First John 19 is not averse simply to be memorized. If we confess our sins, please notice the word is in the plural. If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Now the word confession. As you know, means literally to agree with. If I hold up this book and I say to you, this is a Bible and if you come down and look at this book and then you say to me you know you're right that is a Bible you have confess that this is a Bible you have agreed with me that when we confess our sins to God. I think it means we agree with God: at least three things we agree that it is wrong by nature. We don't do that by nature. We excused our wrongs based on their wrongs we say such things as well. You expect me to back when she treats me that what how would you like to want to do that. What and we excuse our sin based on her sin. Confession says Lord the way I treated her last night is wrong. The way I've ignored her for three days is wrong, let alone what she did. That's her problem. But the way I have responded to her is wrong. Confession agrees that it is wrong. Secondly confession agrees that crisis paid the penalty that Christ has paid the penalty. The central theme of the Bible is that on the cross, Christ paid the full penalty for our sins of folks I must confess to you I still do not fully understand the cross but the Bible is very clear from God's perspective. Christ took our full penalty.

Our full punishment for our sins and confession says Lord I think you Christ is paid for the sins and thirdly confession agrees to accept forgiveness to accept forgiveness. God does not want you depressed for three months because you sinned against your spouse. He wants you to accept his forgiveness, get out and move on to something good today so confession involves at least those three things. There is 1/3 step in this is where many of us fail. It is found in acts chapter 24 and verse 16. I believe this is the most powerful verse in the New Testament on mental health. Consequently, it greatly affects marital and family health, will you listen to these words, Paul is talking about himself asked 2416 MVS do I exercise myself. The word exercise is the Greek word Jim Lazo from which we get our word gymnasium.

Good translation exercise could also be translated discipline MVS do I discipline myself to listen carefully to have always a conscience void of offense toward God and toward men.

Paul says I am committed to living with an empty conscience toward God and toward men.

Nothing is more fundamental to mental health, let alone spiritual health, then living with an empty conscience map picture for you the conscience as being a 5 gallon container strapped to my back. That's my contents and every time I sin against my wife or anyone else. It's like pouring a gallon of liquid into my confidence and three or four sins and my conscience is getting full and I am getting heavy, can you ask me how I'm doing and I will likely say not too well because I remember yesterday. I remember last night.

I remember what I did or didn't do. I'm not feeling well. My contents is full and I am heavy now Paul says I'm committed to living with an empty conscience toward God and toward me and how do we get an empty conscience toward God by confession to God, we just talked about how I get an empty conscience toward men by confession to the person I sinned against. And that's the third step confession to the other person confession to the other person if I really want to tear the wall down. It is not enough to seek God's forgiveness, seek forgiveness of the family member against whom I have seen so what are we suggesting the people who want to improve family relationships. We are suggesting that the place to start is by tearing the wall down on your side. We are suggesting that people get along with God and say to God, Lord, where am I failing in this relationship and is God brings their failures to mine by confess those things to God and accept God's forgiveness.

Then they go to their spouse and by sight of them. Have you got humans, I've been thinking about us and I know I've been on your case. But I realize that you are not all of our problem. In fact the other night I sat down and asked God to show me where I have been flailing you and he gave me a pretty good list and if you've got a few minutes. I like to read this to you and I would like to ask you to forgive me that you share that idea with people, which is exactly what Jesus they were supposed to do you share that idea with people and they will ask you questions such as one lady said not to understand the principle but she said I don't think you quite understand my situation. She said what if your husband really is a problem because I don't have but I said let's assume for a minute that your husband is 95% of the problem that only leaves 5% for you that you wouldn't say that your perfect although she said no one heard you know everybody agrees to that no one's perfect one if we are not perfect. We are imperfect right so let's just say you're only 5% imperfect and he's 95. What I'm saying is if you want to improve the relationship. A place for you to start is by tearing the 5% down on your side.

The wall is not as thick now because you remove your side. People will also cite you. But if I go do that. How do you think my spouse will respond. And my answer is I don't. Maybe your spouse if you go do that will save you. I will I hear you lousy. Let's get out here. Or maybe your spouse will listen to you. Read your list and psych you forgot a few, or maybe your spouse will actually forgive you. Who knows, maybe they will even forgive you but you are doing the first and most important thing that Jesus taught you are tearing the wall down on your side. What if I don't forgive you. You still on the wall down. All we can ever do with past failures or lease the best thing we can do with past failures is to confess them and asked forgiveness. We can erase them, but we can confess them and request forgiveness of our spouse. Maybe they forgive. Maybe they don't forgive if I forgive wonderful well they come back in three weeks and confess their sins. I don't know that would be nice, wouldn't. Maybe if you loan them the type that listen to the type of labor they'll do it. Who knows, I don't know what Bill good. But I'm saying were for going to tear walls down. We got to start on our side. Let's assume for a minute that you do that and let's assume for a moment that your spouse forgive you and and let's assume that they even come back in three weeks and ask you to forgive them and now the wall is torn down on both side suggest to you that you will still need to follow this principle. As long as you live so that the wall does not get erected again, let me suggest that in a healthy marriage.

We will still have to use this principle of confessing to God and confessing to the other person and asking forgiveness. What a good place to close today's episode of Focus on the Family.

Their guest speaker Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of the book the five apology languages and will hear his conclusion next time. It's so helpful you know what, this is a great message for married couples to listen to regularly. Maybe once a year to remind themselves of these valuable principles and to work at keeping their side of the wall torn down to use Gary's analogy, but in fact the last time we are this message we received this note from Kim. She said her today's message on forgiveness and it change the way I was going to talk to my husband about an issue we needed to resolve.

I didn't want to hear that my way was wrong, but I'm so glad I did. Thank you.

Focus on the Family kinda sounds like because she was ready to go in kinda hot and then step back because of the broadcast that I'm so glad we could help and we want to help all the couples we can have a better marriage. Let me just add this advice is for marriages that are in decent shape. If you're in an abusive situation. We urge you to get to a place of safety for yourself and for your children. Keep that location secret and then pursue counseling for everyone involved.

What's a good point Jim. Sadly, this is the case for some marriages.

Let me also add, if your marriage is in dire straits. Please contact us for information about our hope restored four day intensive's many couples who attend hope restored have already filed divorce papers, but they find hope and healing.

In fact, when we survey couples two years after their visit, over 80% say their marriage is doing well and you know in the last 12 months over 350,000 couple said that Focus on the Family has helped strengthen their marriage and we are able to do that through support of listeners like you. So thank you for giving and if you haven't made a donation. Let me just ask you to consider how Focus on the Family has impacted your life and then give us the Lord lead you the best way to help us is making a monthly pledge. It doesn't have to be a large amount.

It's the consistency that really helps us out and evens the budget for the entire year and when you make a monthly pledge of any amount will send you a copy of Dr. Chapman's book the five apology languages which is a lot more detail than were able to share in the radio program and if you can't make a monthly pledge commitment. Right now we understand will send the book to you for one-time gift as well just get in touch with us today. You can reach us when you call 880 family 800-232-6459 or donate online and request your copy of the five apology languages will have the link in the show notes and when you get the book from us here at the ministry will include a free audio download Dr. Chapman's entire presentation next time more on the forgiveness process from Dr. Gary Chapman, you have seen, and you don't want to see people leave in the garden. See you in behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for listening to this Focus on the Family podcast take a moment if you will please waiting in your podcast and then sure about this episode with the print function.

I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time.

As we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ from the kindred brothers creators of war room and fireproof comes life.

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