Building the Bridge to Forgiveness (Part 2 of 2)

Today on Focus on the Family Dr. Gary Chapman shares ideas for reconciliation between husbands and wives were parents and their children. So what are we suggesting the people who want to improve family relationships. We are suggesting that the place to start is by tearing the wall down on your side will thanks for joining us and stay with us. We got great practical strategies coming up your hostess focus presidents and author Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller, John. Last time we began a two-part message from Dr. Gary Chapman that's been very insightful to give you the gist of what we heard last time Gary explained that when we extend forgiveness. We are helping to tear down the wall of bitterness and resentment that can grow up between us and the person who wronged us and even if that other person won't cooperate.

We have a responsibility to at least work on our side of the wall and he's going to give us several examples today. Yeah Gary Chapman is the author of a number of best-selling books all wrapped around the five love languages and is written one on this topic called the five apology languages. We have the book here at Focus on the Family. And when you requested from us, you'll be helping us do ministry, the proceeds go right back into the work of focus. So here's Dr. Chapman speaking at Moody Bible Institute on today's episode of Focus on the Family and will start with a brief recap. There is no question but what many marriages, many families parent-child relationship. There are long thick high walls that exist between the people involved, the walls get erected in relationships. I would suggest that they are erected one stone at a time, and many of your friends now who been married for five years or 15 or 25. Many of your friends.

Now have a long wall and only now they don't have any love things all they have now is hostility.

Now when we come to talk about tearing down those walls so that we can begin to rebuild relationship. I want to redo the words of Jesus in Matthew chapter 7, beginning with verse three Jesus said why do you behold the spec that is in your wife's I but do not consider the beam that is in your own how is it that you will save your husband, let me pull the speck out of your and behold, there's a beam in your own bow hypocrite. Jesus said if you want to improve our relationship. The place you start is by getting the beam out of your own eye to use my analogy tearing the wall down on your side, not on their side, so I want to give you three steps on how to get the beam out of your eye, how to tear the wall down on your side.

Number one.

Identify your own failures, we gotta get him on the front burner and how you do that, I suggest prayer second step we confess those things for God confession to God, confession says Lord the way I treated her last night is wrong. Now Paul says I'm committed to living with an entity conscience toward God and toward me and then how do we get an empty conscience toward God by confession. The God we just talked about how I get an empty conscience toward me and by confession to the person I sinned against. And that's the third step confession to the other person negative illustration out of online some years ago, when our children still at home before I was a spiritual as I am now.

I got up one morning I said to my wife, Carolyn, where's my briefcase and she said here.

I don't know I haven't seen it possible it was and thereby the dresser, you must move. She said Gary I haven't seen your briefcase. I think I don't think I know what the thing was, she said Gary I haven't seen your briefcase.

I think I'll go look for thing to get these kids are still I'm already like will think two or three more screaming about briefcase. Can you believe that now is nice to the kids. Have a nice day… When I got rid of the kids at school. I went back to being angry with her and I drove from the school to the church thinking to myself how could I have married to the scatterbrained woman. This time he's lost my briefcase let her lose her car keys if you will lose my briefcase everything. I'll do my briefcase don't want to say what I'm going to when I got to my office I didn't walk in by the secretaries.

I went in the back door to my office when you have see you don't want to see people leave in the garden and hope God won't see you in the back door. The mouse and opened my door and there was my briefcase. Now I have an option I can say to myself I'm not going to let her know I was out there and I could hope she would forget the ordeal.

All I could practice what I preach and if I had known the former, obviously would not be using this for an illustration. So I said to God, all Lord the way I talk to her is wrong. Folks, it's a sin to scream in a woman. Be ye kind one to another and spraining a woman is not time you slice it is a sin is free. No one, also a sin to scream the main and I said all Lord. Well, talk to her is wrong and I want to thank you for the cross of Christ, and I want to accept your forgiveness folks.

You don't have to beg God to forgive you just have to confess and accept what he's already done on the cross but that's only half of it. That's an empty conscience toward God. There's another half. So I called her hi babe, briefcase. She didn't say anything she needed all the more to it than that.

And so I said to her, the way I way I way I am going talk to you this morning.

What was was wrong.

I didn't say it was easy not easy to admit that we are all I want to ask you to forgive me know what she said I want to call why Wicca made this principle. I wish I were perfect I wish I never sinned against the why we use our perfect I'm not some people tell me they are. I don't know. I'm not will have to be perfect to have good marriages. We do have to deal with our failure.

We do have to keep the walls torn down. Tell the same thing is true with our children. I remember one morning I was driving my son to school. I don't remember how old he was when he was going to that stage where children ask you a question and you give them a good answer, but I don't like your answer, so they ask the same question again and I don't like that answer. So they ask the same question again about the same time he asked me the same question and I reached over or tried to piece it over and almost fell in the crack and after that there was a long silence, and then we got to school and I said to him, have a good day, but and he said it will be hard and I drove from the school to the church feeling terrible now why did I feel so terrible because I had just done a terrible thing/out of the kid in anger. If I have in the right place.

When I got the church. I didn't go by the secretaries. Thank God for backdoors known about and I sit down and I leaned over my desk and I said oh God, oh God, how can I bend that with all my education and all my training all the time.

I help other people and the answer came loud and clear because you are a dirty rotten sinner. That's why you can do it and don't ever think that you about anything and I said, oh Lord it's wrong. It's wrong to lose my temper and myself much is wrong and I will thank you for the cross and I want to accept your forgiveness.

You know you did it even feels better when you confess your sins to God. But that's only half of it.

That's an empty conscience toward God and so I thought I'm going to go over there and knock on the door and get him out of class until and I'm sorry and ask him to forgive me and I thought, I don't know daddy knocking on the door and all the kids a ghostly one today to go to school, though I don't think so.

So I, like Vanessa, Donna, Seleucus, and let me pick Derek up today okay. Our plan was I thinking school. She picks him up in the afternoon. Let me pick him up today okay she's the one sure what you want and I said nevermind by bus it is Lemmie thinking up okay to tell your sins.

Everybody just the person you send and so I picked him up that afternoon he got in the car and I said to a mesenteric exit sign before we go home. I said I want to say to you that I'm sorry for the way I treated you this morning I lost my temper and I lashed out at you in anger and I want to, but fathers should not treat children that way and I want to know that was wrong and I'm sorry and I want to ask you to forgive me know what he said sure dad sure that children don't have any problem for giving us the problem is with us were too hardhearted to acknowledge that we've done wrong and some of us as parents think if we acknowledge that we done wrong to our children, they will lose respect for us know the opposite is true.

They'd already lost respect for you what you've done you wrong, but when you admit that you're wrong and you asked forgiveness you go out in respect, mutual tell you another failure between myself and my wife. I could just give you all my things but don't worry, Mobile level, I was lien conference a few years ago, mid-August. The week that we had our anniversary, so I was in one city and she was at home and that's not unusual, because we often celebrate our anniversary at a time other than the anniversary. So that was no big deal.

The problem was, who the block was goo the sin laws that on the day of our anniversary. I forgot to call her. Can you believe that marriage counselor took all three call my wife every night when I'm on the road every night.

I call her but all the sweet I woke up the next morning 630 in the morning and it don't know me, I didn't call her so I ran across the road to little food store and was a little telephone outside and so I called and I said Carolyn I said honey, sweetie. I sit all I am so sorry I said honey I am so so sorry. She said Gary I suggest she said what are you.I said honey you know what I'm talking about. I forgot to call you yesterday. I forgot to call you honey. I am so sorry. I want to know that I was speaking three or four times during the day between the times I was thinking I was counseling with people all day long. Lastly, I was just bone tired tour around stake. I am so sorry I said yesterday she said Gary you are forgiven. Nobody that's an easy pace he said you are forgiven. And do you know that that woman has never brought that up to me again. She has never thinks the same to the sea, has never seen me folks never going to have a good marriage. If you're not willing to forgive when your spouse confesses but I know what some of your thinking. All I know what some of your thinking Gary out a little.

Do you forget you anniversary she can forgive you for that. But you don't understand. My wife left me my wife was unfaithful to me sexually. My wife had an affair with somebody else and then confessed and came back and asked me to forgive her. I understand the pain and hurt understand what you're saying. I'm not putting all sins in the same category in terms of pain and hurting results. Yes, some hurt worse in some hurt longer than others understand that.

But before you decide not to forgive you. Best read the words of Jesus when he said that if you do not forgive those who sin against you.

Neither will your heavenly Father forgive your sins.

Folks there's not any option. There is no option if we are the people of God. If we have experiences forgiveness. We have no option but to forgive our spouses forgive our spouses know we cannot accept wrong behavior as a way of life. Not enough when not saying we accept our spouse having an affair and continuing in that affair, not on what I'm saying. If there's confession and there's repentance in there turning around and they're asking to be reconciled. As Christians we must forgive. I give you one other illustration my own personal life.

I want to share with you the happiest night of my life in terms of my relationship with my son and the saddest night of my life. It all happen on the same night. I think he was about 15 I was in his room one night and we got into it you get into it with your teenagers. I got into it and then we got into it. I gave him some nasty mean harsh words he gave me some nasty mean harsh words, we were giving to each other in the mail that interchange. He walked out of the room walk across the living room walked out the front door and slammed the goal and when the door slam.

I woke up and I thought, oh Lord, what have I done what have I done sat on the couch and started crying, weeping would be a better word, and my wife came in and tried to console me. She put her arm around me and she said Gary that wasn't your fault. I heard that whole think he should be allowed to talk to you.

My wife and she tried to console me, but you know it's hard to console the center and so after I wept for a while I got up and got on my knees on the couch and I said oh God, oh God, it's wrong. It's wrong well treated him is wrong, let alone what he did to make the way I responded to him is wrong and again I thought how can I do that with all my education in all my training and all and the message was clear. Folks, we are sinners and I said I want to thank you for the cross.

I don't know about you but I have a profound appreciation for the cross of Christ a profound appreciation for the cross of Christ. I want to thank you for the cross and I want to accept your forgiveness. I sit on the couch. I don't know how long I don't know if it was 30 minutes with three hours on those occasions. Time doesn't matter.

You been there. Time doesn't matter, but in due time. My son walk in and I said very good you could you come in your minutes on any came in and set down the gold chair and I was still on the callousness of son. I want to know that I'm sorry I said you know it's been a long time since I lost my temper like that but I want to know it's wrong. I should never reveal that you like I did and I want to know that those things are said is not really the way I feel about you. At the moment, I felt that but it's not really the way I feel about you and I want you to know that and I want to know that I'm sorry, I don't want to ask you to forgive me know what he said. He turned to me and he said that that wasn't your fault. He said I precipitated that he said I shouldn't talk to you that way. He said when I was walking up the road. I asked God to forgive me and I won't ask you to forgive me.

You understand why I would say that was the saddest night of my life with my son and the happiest night of my life. You understand what just happened.

My son just demonstrated that he's learned a big lesson in life how to empty his conscience to God and how to empty his conscience to me, but was only that as long as he lives. But if he ever gets married that son of mine will sin against his wife. I wish you wouldn't. I wish he wouldn't but he will sometimes be wrong. He will not be perfect but if he has learned how to empty his conscience to God and empty his conscience to his wife. He is learned want a big big big lessons in personal relationships see folks many of us could go a long ways in restoring relationships in our families if we were willing to go and share with another family member that we recognize our own failures and ask your forgiveness and let God deal with them about their fingers. I want to give you an assignment. When we finished this afternoon. Take at least five minutes to get along with God, and take any relationship that you would like to improve marriage parent-child brother sister whatever any relationship you like to improve and take their relationship to God and say to God, Lord, where my failing networks and whatever God brings to your mind you right now and confess it to God. And then I want to suggest that you go to that person if there here you go to if their home. You can call them on the phone and say to them I been thinking about us, and I've asked God to show me where I am inflaming you and he gave me a list and I've asked him to forgive me and I want to ask you to forgive. I tell you that I could be a giant step in many family relationships.

I will challenge you to apply this principle to some relationship that you would like to see improved such wise words and quite a challenge there from Dr. Gary Chapman on today's episode of Focus on the Family, and I hope God brings someone to mind for you that you can take these steps of forgiveness that Dr. Chapman described for us. John will post those steps online for those who may have missed some of the message. The Gary provided it's important, and if you can go online and take a look at that yet. The articles called the first steps to true forgiveness and you'll find that when you follow the link in the show notes. I also want to say thank you Gary for his exceptional honesty in this presentation. That's a badge of courage in my opinion for him to express his faults in such an open way on national radio really for our benefit so we can learn from those things that people who don't know him my deferred these examples and come away thinking he's not a very nice man, but that is not true. He is being vulnerable. It's part of the process of sanctification.

It's what the Lord does in each of our lives to help us recognize our faults and use his power to help us improve and grow. Gary is a wonderful husband and a wonderful father and to be honest I think he's one of our best guess here Focus on the Family I'd have to agree Jim and and part of that is the transparency and he is kind of a mentor for all of us. He really is and I always feel like I do a bit better in my marriage and my parenting. After we fed Gary on the program gene would attest to that. And you know that wisdom of his specifically in the area. Forgiveness is evident in the book the five apology languages where he explains these principles in much more detail and as we said last time. If you're in an abusive relationship. Please get yourself and your children to a place of safety, and keep that location a secret before you reach out for help.

This program was intended for generally healthy marriages and for marriages that are in more trouble. I highly recommend our four day intensive experience called hope restored many of those participants write to us to say how impressed they were by the entire experience and they say that they feel like they experienced two years worth of counseling over those four days. Thus, the word intensive and when we contact those couples two years after their visit, over 80%, 80% are still married and doing well. It's really a remarkable program and when you give to Focus on the Family your helping us support and save those marriages around the world. Can I ask you to consider making a monthly pledge to the ministry. It does have to be a large amount.

It's that month-to-month consistency that really helps us smooth out those ups and downs for the budgeting process and when you make a monthly pledge of any amount will send you the five apology languages by Dr. Gary Chapman and it can make a monthly commitment we get.

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If you need it. So get in touch with us today and become a part of our marriage saving team and you can reach us by calling 800 the letter a in the word family 800-232-6459 or follow the link in the episode notes to donate to the work of Focus on the Family and request your copy of the five apology languages, plus a free audio download of the entire presentation from Gary Chapman when you're online.

Be sure to look for that article 1st steps to true forgiveness that you can print off and keep for the next time you have one of those difficult conversations that Dr. Chapman described next time author Brenda Garrison encourages parents to build bridges of love rather than walls of resentment in the thing is we have to give our kids a place to be who they are and it was out somewhere and if we can given the space to be. They are with a messy bedroom say you're going to be way more apt to follow some other rules such as curfew, such as our rules with the Internet on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for listening to this Focus on the Family podcast take a moment if you would please send me a rating in your podcast app and then sure about this episode with friend, I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ.

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