Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged

You marry another.

A person who loves Christ. But that's not the only thing when it comes to connecting spiritually. It's also your beliefs.

It's also your practices and it's also your convictions or your commitments and so you need to explore all three of those areas so you can both say were Christians.

And that's wonderful. But what about those practices.

How does that translate into things that you will do that. That will be a demonstration of your love for God are you going to go to church together.

Are you going to have you going to be in a small group with others know what is.

Are you going to do some Bible studies together to pray together all those kinds of practices and commitments.

What level of commitment. Are you going to make any relationship with God and with each other.

That's David schedule is with us today on Focus on the Family to talk about those important things you need to consider before or getting engaged your hostess focus president and author Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller John choosing the person you want to spend the rest your life with is probably one of the biggest decisions you're ever going to make. Aside from accepting Christ as your personal Lord and Savior which I hope you've done that, but I'm really curious what was that moment for you. Like when you propose to Dena and that was Jim anon moment. I really never alone proposed.

We went from if we get married to.

When we get married.

I do remember asking her dad one night if if I can marry her.

The next morning. It just was like you get married I I didn't give her much of a choice as you have panic client director and yes is it that me know that I waited until he was tired already. Poly II was was good but I did all that I went to Jean's mom and dad amassed and then I took actually the ring and went up to Santa Barbara there was a huge oak tree, there are two that's what I want my marriage to be represented by this huge oak tree that will never be blown over so it all worked and she said yes I is amazing tell you I never really asked her but she said yes anyway for looking forward to the day we are in. We've invited David Gotshal to be our guest. He's really excited about preparing couples for engagement. He serves as the director of church health for Northern California adventure church network. After ministering for 40 years as a lead pastor in California and Arizona. David is a husband, father, grandfather two, 11 grandchildren and author of the book before you get engaged and this can be the foundation for our conversation today, we have copies of that book here at Focus on the Family.

Just give us a call 800 the letter a in the word family or stop by the show notes David, welcome to focus welcome back a thank you is really fun to come back.

Let's start that distinction between like premarital counseling and here you hitting the step before like pre-engagement and is there something people need to know about the pre-engagement. Well, I think so, but there's not many books out there in that space. There's a lot of premarital materials but this is the question before you pop it there. Yeah, most churches have premarital counseling. Very few churches have pre-engagement counseling of some kind of pre-engagement classes. It's difficult either way, you know, since I put it like a blurb in the bulletin which we don't have any more than the latter. Whatever it is, as soon as you put that in there causes a little bit of anxiety to be thinking about that if a couples beginning to get serious and so you have to creatively figure out how to suggest this is a good idea. It really is.

In that regard. You counsel lot. A young couples. What's that distinction between again and at the premarital counseling.

They've already decided to be engaged. Your taking one step back and say well before you are engaged here are things you need to think about what some of the research that you sing with the young couples before they asked the question, what are they experiencing yeah I I know that if they're getting serious.

They're beginning to think about is this a possibility that we might get married someday right and also I think that even early on in relationships becomes something that they're thinking about and maybe even talking about. And if it not been they're going to perhaps move in that direction. At some point. So to get into their minds.

The thought that a little bit of help could be helpful for them as they move down this road in the relationship is something that we've been trying to help couples see that there's a lot of value to this really comes out of my son sick experience and you've written this with Brent, your son now. You here today. But yeah, he's actually of documentary filmmaker. He's in the middle of another one right now but Brent and his girlfriend at the time Danielle were trying to sort that out and actually and yes they were sorting it out.

They went to wonderful church that had premarital counseling and I thought well maybe this will help us decide if we should ever get engaged and if it secure her marriage might be in our future and that kind of thing. And what happened was they got into the class and and it only lasted a few weeks until they really felt pressure.

They felt like most everybody in the class was already down the road on that they'd already made the engagement decisions they were engaged and so it made sense to have premarital counseling but they had Brent and his girlfriend Danielle had not made that decision. They weren't sure if it was actually going to be something for them in the future and all they felt was pressure. That's what the class data is created prior which is not good.) You don't want to be roughest as the last thing you need. So it's nice to be able to sit with a couple and just say hey what's happening in your relationship and as you begin to go down the road of possibility. What kind of things would you expect the that other person is going to need for you to be able to say hey, maybe this could be married someday see this would've been easier for us. John, if we've done that it would've been had not fumbled around perhaps as much if you have an analogy with cars and engagement of pre-engagement. Something about the gauges. So what what was that analogy that analogy just is connected to the whole matter of well would you marry you that question. You know, one of the first questions we should ask is, are we the kind of person that someone would want to marry are you trying to be somebody you're not. Are you growing. Are you changing lunges at this way are you moving in a good direction will that's fair to have the gauges help you decide that in a car. Well, you know, when I bought my first car wanted gauges. I didn't want those lights. They called an idiot lights right time.

You name you are not a good bet. That's probably not some anymore but it's not it's not. But the point is is that with gauges you could see if something's full or empty.

Essentially, an so how are your gauges spiritually. How your gauges relationally. How are your gauges and your identity, your personal identity where you at on the spectrum of you know somebody who's moving in a positive direction.

Is your relationship strong. When it comes to relationship with God. What's your friendships like what they like. Are you somebody who's relational you care about others you ever even asked the question of so what are you doing lately you know is it all about you and you're constantly focused on you and as a person. Have you found your your groove, your niche, you know, do you have any sense of where God is taking you and those kinds of matters I think need to come and play with some of those questions could be tough in your 20s. I don't know that I have those answers figured out.

At that point.

One thing that is obvious is how much faith plays into that concrete foundation. I think Jean and I with our normal ups and downs. We've been married 35 years to be 36 years and I think when we both talk about this faith has been the most critical aspect of our relationship and I'm not just saying that, but it helps you through difficult times through dark moments. You know, things that happen in the family. Those kinds of things I can imagine not having the right tank or the right gauge if Jean and I if either of us were topped up when it came to our faith in Christ that would be a very different experience. Absolutely. Well, my granddaughter and I were talking about this topic. She found out that I was going to be here to talk about the subject of engagement I said Haley what's the most important thing is out of high school nouns out of high school. Okay, what's the most important thing you be looking for in a guy and she without hesitation, said where he's at spiritually.

Yeah, because we need to be connected spiritually since that important you would put that like at the top. Now I would know, but I was delightfully surprised that your adult children have done well in raising her nose so that was great. Yes if you yeah don't have the spiritual connection. You're all alone in this thing in a sense that your son Brent who co-authored the book with you. He said he expressed or identified a need for secure identity with his wife Danielle that that's interesting to beginning to form your identity. What was he driving out with that, yet I still remember him talking about that because he wanted to become the person that God wanted him to be so. He was you know at the time trying to sort that out in terms of the direction his life was going.

He knew that he love God.

He knew that he had an interest in this girl and he didn't want the relationship to pull him off track, so to speak, of where he felt that God was working in his heart, and the direction the Lord was potentially taking him so he was some pretty serious about you not getting an understanding of where she was, in terms of her own sensitive well this is what I feel like I have to contribute in a relationship and this is who God's may need to be. How about you, yeah, that's great. Those are good conversations to have it. You also had a story in there about marriage goggles.

What was that about yeah that's Brent's language, and one of the things in the book is that he and Danielle his girlfriend at the time I was wife there. Now his wife yeah so the laudatory they were truly trying to sort this out.

It wasn't just look at me let's write a book or something together.

It was they were trying to sort it out and even after the book was done, they still had to have time to sort it out. It may have been a year afterwards and they finally got engaged in so it was wonderful bit.

One of the terms he used was marriage goggles which basically could cause you to think that you have something that you don't you know it could sort of cloud your view of the other person's you see them differently or maybe you see them more because I really want them to be.

Yeah.

Mary let it so that makes me think of a couple that I worked with and we went through pre-engagement material that they had an airplane relationship.

It just came out of them flying back and forth they lived in different cities and so their relationship was built on those wonderful moments that had singled out there and Danielle. People were different at that time. Well, this is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.

Our guest today is David gradual and he and his son, Brent wrote this book before you get engaged and will encourage you to get a copy of that. Our number is 800 the letter a in the word family or stop by the episode notes for all the details.

Let let's move to infatuation. That's part you know that's that's kind of how it goes right now. I think psychologists would tell us that it starts with a notice in a connection and then moves to holding a hand and then it continues down until hopefully you're married and then you have more physical intimacy but but talk about infatuation and how that's temporary in our brain chemistry. What it's really good to know that just like chocolate is temporary to the right. So I think there's some got a connection here chemically but you gotta give it time. I mean, you just have to give it time and that's why it's so important to not get into the relationship with the physical. If you go down the physical road it could cause you to believe that you have something that you really don't you mean as a result of moving down that road quickly or whatever it is block the spiritual relationship. I mean if you're Christ follower.

You gotta somehow do damage to your relationship with Christ, if you're physically involved writer compromising your beliefs and so forth.

But you also stunting the emotional because it may be that you are connecting emotionally at a deep level where you really beginning to help one another and understand each other be empathetic and work through your challenges together in healthy ways yeah and I so appreciate that because I think we hear from you twentysomethings where particularly the woman you know she has given in to what she knew what was right to do, but he talked me into it and we were to get married. But guess what it broke off and she gave everything and the marriage never happened. That's a fairly common descriptor. Unfortunately, and so II just want to reemphasize the strength for both the men and the women not to give in to that to honor the Lord and thankfully Jean and I we were able to do that, you know it it it wasn't easy, but we did it and we didn't have those moments where we had to show regret we Coming. I shook her hand for the first three or four dates that I want to send a message. This is what it's can be about, but that's a great foundation and I know it's hard. I know it because I experienced it and I but I just want to encourage young couples who were pre-engaged or thinking about it, don't fall prey to giving into each other too soon save it for the wedding night. Let God give you that special present for your wedding night. It's a great way to go yeah you know I'm working right now is a couple where they just have a wonderful friendship and if he could have sure she would love to have physical relationship with her more than just a kiss in a single normal desire totally is and but he's also not a Christ follower and we had conversations where he is probing the spiritual area has an interest as a seeker. I guess, but he still not there but she's holding the line you know she's fine with being a friend and that sort of thing, but she's made it absolutely clear this is a conviction for her and she's not going to compromise and marry him or even get seriously into a relationship until possibly if it ever did happen until he comes to faith in Christ. What I think.

Again, one of the one of the good things for us as men to remember is that shouldn't be the girl's responsibility to draw the line.

Maybe we should draw yeah in terms of our leadership that sets the tone for the relationship to but again let's move to you and Bernice husker personal expert you had a thinking negative communication situation where he had some difficulty communicating with each other that me versus us kind attitude. So what what was going on. What was the revelation for you yeah are there many different reveille assets. I've been married now for 46 years or so, which one do you want the start I generate enough money to us. I know it's what you're talking about you talking about my tendency to say to Bernice what would you like to go for dinner you know that one and I Artie had something in my mind and if she didn't give me the location so I had my mind yeah that's it wasn't really very conversation unites a well, how about in sieges finally got the point of saying listen if you got something on your mind what you just say you know you want to go down this road of 14 gases and maybe we'll go there this Dave come on, get set on Mexican food. She did know if that was that. So can we can we improve our communication somehow know that's good. And that gets us to the five levels of communication.

What are the yeah and by the way, I should have known these when I got married, you know, I brought them back because this was like I was a sociology major and this was one of the books that we read that had to do with these different levels of communication, but still we can get hung up them cliché conversations. Level V, which is nothing superficially superficial kind of conversation, reporting the facts is the second one you know a well yeah I can go home and report the facts, yeah, I took an airplane there. I sat in Las Vegas for five hours. Gotta be heading. I do have some feelings about that and but any faith, you know, reporting the facts my ideas and judgments level III is where we begin to talk about you know how you really feel about covert and what we should do right now my ideas and showed Smith know where I could go down that road here in a dangerous territory. It is your get to know each other why you you find out a lot at that point and then my feelings is level II. Kind of got level. Now you get into more into the core of your being and how you feel about it and that that's important I need to know what you really feel this is expressing her feelings. She felt disrespected when I was eight or so where you want to go to have dinner you know.

But I had something in mind that right already didn't address her feelings and her desires and address minds me me me what you are saying and level on a course is the most personal is just open honest communication. So when she said to me Dave you know what why we just go wherever you want to go that would be peak communication care forever got it off. She's really just being candid well what you're describing is allowing somebody to challenge you to and how important is that all that's important part of a relationship. If you can't be challenged by this person that you are thinking about marrying someday your you miss out on what could be in you rely on it in that respect. I mean what's interesting here.

You kinda laying out a roadmap Junior son, Brent, your co-author laying a roadmap out and you might want to be purposeful in creating some of this environment so you're talking about important things is not haphazard. In other words, you can talk about those five levels, but begin to include in a spiritual dimension.

You gotta start talking about that at some point and you know you're trying to clarify where person as I definitely am attracted to you. I look at you and I feel my heart race. It's good, that's the starting point. But now we gotta start talking about what's underneath what who are you how are you wired and you do need to create environments where you can have those discussions. Yeah, you gotta get to this level one truly, you gotta be there. I love what you're suggesting that a gym because you're saying there's so many things that you need to know about each other to be able to take that step of engagement working toward marriage and you know it could be your value system. Certainly it means communication has to be something that you can do. You gotta work through conflict so many different areas. Yeah it's so good and I guess infatuation back to the rose-colored glasses you're describing why if you go through your pre-engagement courtship your dating time and you're not driving toward that II know young people who have said to me that's a waste of time and why wouldn't we be purposeful, especially for the Christian young Christian community who believe in Jesus. Yeah, I want to if I'm in a date you. I'm dating with a purpose is to find out whether or not we are meant for each other and so then you can begin to uncover some of those things more quickly, perhaps, but I'm thinking that infatuation, particularly because I would think young couples they stay there.

They don't go deeper live.

Artie said yes to the engagement. Now there in premarital counseling and other wobbly going. I don't think I knew him. In that context.

When Feist you have for the couple that's in that spot. I mean, what if you know Jean and I and our premarital situation we had about four couples that got up and walked out of the room. At one point because they realize they were right for each other that person did their job that I that instructor absolutely is.

That's what you're trying to sort out and so for that I am just thinking of the woman you know that twentysomething woman that sitting there knowing I don't know if this is right now some of those heebie-jeebies are normal but have had a she really filter out.

I don't think I should be. It square.

Three.

I should be back at square one.

And what do I do yeah I think that's a yellow flag if nothing else right, perhaps, is in a red flag say no don't go forward. It could be the flag to say wait you got a backup. You need to be cautious right now there are things here that need to be sorted out. Classes 315, says let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, and that word rule means to be the umpire. It was used to describe the umpire on the field, the one who had the final call will peace or a lack of it could be what you don't have right now and if you have a great thing. Keep moving forward. If you don't pot go back and say what is creating this disturbance in me. Don't ignore it because it may be a gift from God to protect you in terms of where you're going to end up Infecting you speak about three spiritual areas, beliefs, commitments and practices so hippos really quick yet.

This is so important because we say that we want to marry a Christian, and we should and I pray that we all do you do you marry another. A person loves Christ, but that's not the only thing when it comes to connecting spiritually. It's also your beliefs. It's also your practices and it's also your convictions or your commitments and so you need to explore all three of those areas so you can both say were Christensen and that's wonderful. But what about those practices. How does that translate into things that you will do then that will be a demonstration of your love for God are you going to go to church together. Are you going to give you going to be in a small group with others know what is it are you going to do some Bible studies together do pray together all those kinds of practices and commitments. What level of commitment.

Are you going to make any relationship with God and with each other. It's good be just a Sunday thing that Dave.

This is been so good and again for the listener the viewer. This is about helping maybe not you because you're married and you've already been there. But maybe it's your adult children or maybe even your grandkids like they were saying earlier. What a great resource before you get engaged were not talking about the commitment of engagement were talking about speaking to young people. Prior to that, and what they're looking for in that hopefully lifelong spouse that they'll have especially wrapped in faith in Christ and this is a great resource. So if you can help us financially. Monthly commitment is great or one-time commitment. Let us know. Send that to us and asked for before you get engaged and that'll be our gift and our website. Thank you for being in ministry with us join the support team is.

You can donate as the Lord leads and ask for your copy of that book before you get engaged when you call 800 K in the word family 800-232-6459 or a check.

The episode notes for further details and are just another resource and if you know nothing about Focus on the Family know this. We are a just a treasure house of resources and so we have something else called ready to wed which is pre-marriage curriculum, your pastor, this be great for your church and if your mom and dad.

Not a bad idea to let your young people see this and view it.

So again, ready to wed something created by Focus on the Family and the research is great if a couple has 10 hours or more premarital counseling.

Their chance of divorce is very small. I mean, it is a great way to kick off the relationship.

Ask about ready to wed when you get in touch again.

Her phone number 800 K and word for today. Thanks again. This is been terrific thank you my honor next time you hear from Dr. Ken will this will be encouraging us as parents to see her teenagers as future adults. Somewhere in every teenagers soul is the question hey, I'm beginning to look and think and act more like an adult. When will you say that I am completely an adult, on behalf of Jim Daly in the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ you ever wonder when it was like to meet face-to-face and miracle teachings, the long-awaited Messiah/all new novel by Focus on the Family, I have called you by name. Based on the hit streaming theories immerse yourself in first century Galilee experience the Savior to the eyes of his followers want to dive deeper into Scripture with everything Stern learn more about the chosen novel focusonthefamily.com chosen focusonthefamily.com lashed out that