Getting a Handle on Anger

Found on the roof are actually created my car slammed the door so hard and broke the window.

I'm a high school teacher so tight with my kids at the day on the way home I'll go out my car and scream on the golf course and smack a golf club sometimes. I've been known to for the remote control and I had well how do you handle that evitable anger that comes your way. Or do you know today's Focus on the Family will be examining some healthier ways to manage anger with your dealing with mild rotations work full-fledged ridge will share some Bible based wisdom on how to keep your emotional displeasure in check. Thanks for joining us today on John Fuller and your hostess focus president and author Jim Daly Jon, I don't know about you, but have you noticed there's a lot of angry people in the world and it's all over the place seems to have increased in the past. Well we see it in politics, battles over religious freedom. There are racial tensions and hostility toward men and women like wherever we could find a difference. Somebody's going to exploit that and try to push you to being angry at the other group and I think some people refer to that is tribalism but anger erupts in so many unexpected places, like in sports.

Jean went to one of the boys baseball games when they were ninth or 10th grade and she said that the hats were just terrible. I mean getting on their kids for not hitting the ball and religious comes out all over yet. When you when you said sports.

I thought and I expect to see some anger sports.

I wasn't taking kids for the little he permeated even kids have to deal with. It seems to be part of August.

What theologians would call the human condition. Our fallen state.

Our sinful nature. It does feel the like a can of angry this is been popped open spiritually and kind of the vapor spreading all across the country. I tend to look at it like that. I'm sure anger's been around forever, but it just seems more intense today and you know James 119 reminds us to be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.

That's instruction given to the church Ephesians 46 is be angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger, so anger in itself is not the main problem. It's how we manage it, and that's what were going to explore today right endeavor per day is with us. She is a popular guest every time she's here. We have a lot of response. She's a certified behavioral consultant, a Bible teacher and international speaker. She's written more than 18 books and one will hear more about today's called 30 days to taming your anger, how to find peace when irritated, frustrated or infuriated that book or website copy the link is in the show notes, never welcome back to focus. Thank you so much and I'm not mad as H that's good I'm glad to hear that. I'm just delighted to be here. That's the right attitude for us believers right. That's the key thing for us to live this life, that peace is possible absolutely, and I am glad you said that. I love the scriptures that you gave ahead of time to be foundational to our discussion and I'm almost to the point where I think that believers are the only way this can have help in managing this anger thing, I think so because we have a way to do it. Let's start with your family of origin you came from a family that expressed anger. I believe in you kind of learned how to dish it out pretty good. What's going on that I like that you said so kindly that they expressed anger. That's what we do is, I think that was more than it was dispute anger out of the time my dad was always angry.

We had a household of nine and I try to figure out reasons why he may have been so angry when I consider that anger is an emotion, a protest when you think about it that is collection I'm protesting something and perhaps he was just protesting his reality but my father left that legacy of anger onto my brothers would even to this day that they have challenges with anger and I had really escaped. I thought on the common. But I found out I was expressing mine in a different way and what was that syrupy sarcasm nice put down in the name of Jesus form anger. I haven't put them before the Lord is how detrimental it was to him just to just a million and it's my plan to be around a person that's true you've identified 3° of anger and those were manifested. One time when you were driving in traffic. I love the driving in traffic is my favorite with his father. I have just turned over a leaf in this area so proud of myself I know what you're saying you're proud of what God is done in you. Yes, thank you for that humility. But it's true. But what happened in your context with traffic example well you know LA'straffic when it wanted to run downtown Monday and so I was. I only had a few minutes to get back so I got on the freeway and I looked up in this truck was just on my tail.

I'm just tailgating time and I was just so imitated with that.

I'm thinking you see the traffic in front of me. You know I can't go around. By doing so, I just felt really irritated. I started to pump the brakes and just not really slow down because that's my way of retaliating really slow down express patient but just someone I decided to do that then I just said okay let me just do something else. I got over and and before I know it something else was going on and then as I went to get over and somebody cut me off on the shoulder and almost is just get me so much.

I was infuriated.

I wish I had a gun but not the kind you see people with just that traffic on that used yet.

I want to harm anybody. I just like to teach them not do that to me is about is protesting. I'm protesting about Lady my freeway right my right to just drive freely like this. And so I say in a minute. I had experienced irritation, frustration, and variation.

Three types thousand and three levels and they have different causes and durations and we express them differently say them again so I can touch them irritation that Mao displeasure, frustration, someone is impeding the progress you have a goal, you have a plan you're trying to get somewhere in somebody's precluding you from doing that. And then, and variation. Now just downright mad right. I'm furious. I'm furious at it and I'm protesting that yeah was interesting since anger is a secondary emotion, and I really want to drive that point home is and what you feel at first you feel something else. There's a primary emotion that drives your anger so I'm feeling violated and I'm feeling I'm feeling ignored.

I'm feeling disrespected, humiliated, yet humiliated all those things. It helps to identify what feeling was that primary emotion and how can I deal with it effectively.

At this point so looking at irritation. For example, where does that come from and how do we keep it from growing into something far worse song was to set I just did me some talking to myself have to really talk to yourself and ask is my feeling that this is reasonable and how can I respond in a God honoring way. That's why I feel today's discussion is really targeted to Christians and and all of those who want to get on that Christian bandwagon is not a bandwagon. Let's get on this train because we can do this in our own strength. You see why society is going which we can't just count to 10 to make a New Year's resolution that from now on I'm going to be this way. We have never needed the fruit of the spirit. What we do right now let me ask you in that regard, I totally agree with you. Absolutely. The difficulty is that should be a distinguishing mark of the Christian that we don't behave in the way the world behaves, why why are we falling short so often in that space. Why can't we do it.

I think we've gone to worldly we we weave allow social media and I read an article and I was a TV special that talked about how social media is really driving the spirit of anger because you get on this engagement way you can tell people you can hide behind a tweet or text to what whatever and not have to face-to-face confrontation like that, but it's out of control and I'm bothered to find that so many Christians are perpetuating that that kind of anger we can afford to do that. Jim will giving God a bad reputation for giving Christianity a bad reputation, and when we stop and say how can we do this I can say this, and I have the fruit of the spirit. I have temperament I can temper my responses. I have patience and long-suffering I don't have to respond as they stop irritated me stop creating displeasure for me. I can sit there at some point and Barrett but I counsel express and say I don't like it. It's okay to say I don't like it. The Bible says be angry, but CM not I can be angry. I can protest whatever's going on, but there's got to be a God honoring way and I need to stop and ask God in that moment. What is your way do I say something do I say nothing some offenses or whatever you supposed to overlook. The Bible says that think is in Proverbs 19, then a man's wisdom gives him patience and it is to his glory to overlook an offense, but not today.

Today in this cancel culture we are we don't overlook anything that we cancel you and anybody associated with you will like them either so true. And again, the point there being that we as Christians should be demonstrating a different way to and I think it's just time to go back to basic Christian principles. Where is the love where is the patient's well again. That doesn't emanate from us. That comes from the spirit that is in us, so we could happen more than ever connect to the spirit okay moving to frustration all these things overlap. Obviously expectations can also fall into the frustration category. You have a story about a series I think of frustrating circumstances in your life where you left a job that you loved and then developed a neurological condition what was going on and how did that make you maybe a little upset with the Lord. Even I was indeed frustrated with God because after all this time in a job I really did indeed love. I stepped out and within my side, I had developed a condition called trigeminal neuralgia, and it made me it rendered me speechless at times and has just started a career speaking and writing. My guy is a funny if you really thought about that. Why did that happen. Do you think I don't know but I said you know what if God called me to do this and I put them on the spot.

Cancel a single speaking engagement. I'm gonna show up if I can't speak got really bad now. I did that work out. It worked out fine on my first international national interview. I didn't have any medication and really diagnosed with the condition was blah blah blah. And I said we had three interviews I said I don't Just showing up, it was television. I was not ready speechless at all during the interview and when it was over I was yeah but I learned about God that you know you just show up sometimes you need to put God on the spot.

But I've also had frustrating situations with friends will call me on date night and me on date night is important in our marriage of 43 years. You don't have to answer the phone and I would pick up the phone and yelled at him like that. You're like a parent who just has dedicated don't do that. Johnny just don't do that. There are no consequences. There are no consequences to calling you on date is if you stop answering phone so I did share another story about having a visceral reaction to fury were you and your husband were the restaurant, someone took the booth that you had reserved hopefully criticize and begin to protest what happened was a buffet and at the end of a fast. So naturally we first went down your phone spot.

Well week we put a tray there and I thought that was enough, but the check does nothing on the tray so we came back and a couple had taken it down to the lobby had a step to put my food down my potatoes and I know I can be honest with this and the couple didn't look like us. I.e. they will wake up and I think this is the just may discriminate against. They had no idea someone to come along and move the tray. One of the servers had moved the train and so it will not know that that really bad with this your table yes I do see on their faces like we are so sorry and I think it would get a grip. The other tables yeah but I'm telling you have to be honest with yourself in the inward parts. As the psalmist says God designed you to be truthful and then to respond in a God honoring voice. We just found another table that's that's beautiful that's the right way to respond to those that have responded poorly. Maybe they retaliated her wanted to retaliate or gets under their skin and they respond with anger in the moment they're chewing them out. Couple is set down at the table unknowingly. I sure hope that doesn't that a Christian who did that because let me tell you what retaliation is all about is returning the punishment and we have to learn not to return the punishment, that's what it is something you when you could've just said all we had steak this type out and they said okay we want to release it, fine.

But now, do you really want to down that he'll catch you a question which is been observing that and so I am just trying to make job monitor myself. I think in this age of severe anger on every hand for every reason we need to monitor our sales, responding is not in alignment with the word of God.

Well, thinking about somebody observing always remember God's observing one. This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Our guest today is Deborah Begay were talking about so many great concepts from her book 30 days to taming your anger, how to find peace when irritated, frustrated or infuriated stop by our website to get a copy the link is in the show notes or give us a call 800 K in the word family Deborah in your book you explain there are underlying emotions that trigger our anger.

You've kind of alluded to that we need to understand what those emotions are for example you say fear is one of the most common triggers for anger so explained that one and then another two or three others well when we feel fear, we feel it would lose something we don't lose our life and lose our place or whatever and so sometimes when you fear that then that that's the primary emotion that's working and it moves you to anger. Now I'm protesting the fact that that might happen and so we have to identify them why my fearful once I had a an employee was working for me and he kept getting this the information wrong at the last minute we had to go to the board meeting. I'm to explain the financials and I thought I am so upset with him, but I felt so upset with him because I feared that his errors would make me look bad about having the I'm just being honest about getting it right was like to make me look bad, and why my reputation club. Let me expand your talk about the team.

I can relate to that. I have a board that I report to you know if the team has let me down that way. I think it makes us all look bad, right, not just me right back primarily a concern is you. This is the inward parts, or if it really is and I have to say, okay, maybe that's my ego working the night I'm trying to maintain a reputation my why what's true measure of your leadership.

What we know this to be perceived as you know, you can't control what people do, you can just set what the standards but again it was it was the fear yet another aspect that you covered in the book is disrespect. This resonated with me, past a lot of the challenge used to have but when we when we had a house full of kids.

If they didn't take my input work. They didn't respond the way I wanted them to would feel disrespected and I would really get in their face. I raise my voice to make sure that they understood know this is what I'm expecting. It was think back to what was I afraid of losing control. I guess disrespect can be real trigger for a lot of it's a real chicken especially for men. I'm going out and I when I was in counseling a couple this weekend at a marriage retreat and he was in ministry and his wife says everybody comes before me and he says her children come before me was a blended family so they felt that each had been disrespected by each other and I told you both define what you mean by respect and look for ways we can begin to eliminate that behavior that your labeling is disrespect she can see it is disrespect he saw to serving God. He had equated serving God with his relationship with God so it would to him. It was natural. If the church call to put her on the on the sidelines. Self-respect is and why it is important that you express what that respect looks like and what you'd like to see done is that the Lord did good work on my heart. You strip me of the need to be respected so much but sure send it on the ground and that's what I'm glad to hear you, then send it on the ground is just gonna see the about that. Deborah want to go back to the brief mention you have on the woke culture tuition.

One of things is, it seems like a moment since 1964 civil rights movement.

Some black leaders have even set on think of Shelby Steele and other intellectuals who said there's been a lot of progress and we've got to recognize that, but it seems like were regressing now were driving everybody back to the color of their skin, not the content of their character. Martin Luther King Jr. once hoped for. How do we get beyond that again. It seems like politically, it's useful for people to divide on outside attributes. When we know as Christians that's not what matters most character matters most think we are letting the loud minority of people define what's happening in our society. I don't think the majority of Americans a feeling that way with what we saw that with the fact that week we could elect a black president, but that didn't resolve everything but take a majority of the vote. To do that you don't want would have me add that because this is a phenomenal statistic I think was 1958 I was born in the 60s but 1958, only 36% of the US said that they would be willing to elect a black president in the I think 2000 or 1998.

I can remember exactly but right in that zone. It was 96% were willing to elect a black that's what I described as progress is progress. But, but when we see that the anomalies the exceptions when we see the joy select Killings Windows really should say anomalies but they don't happen every day right happen every day but we have to stop and pay attention, and the church has to get in the forefront we can be more political than biblical. So some of these issues will have to be on the right side of what's right with God and not what's right, politically, and I think that's what I've seen. I've seen churches, but I've seen people leave churches because the politics is coming from the pulpit is too polarizing. I don't want to be a Republican or Democrat, I am deliberately because I'm an intentional peacemaker.

I'm a registered independent because I don't give people the right to believe what they want to believe but what just what is God saying what platform is in alignment with what God is saying and up you can confuse the platform with the person because sometimes a person represents a platform may not even have those character traits of the platform may not demonstrate that about the same token, what is God saying and and let's stop spewing from the pulpit that that this party is equivalent to being a Christian and this is equipment and not being a Christian is the people to get on the right side of the word of God. With this, let me ask you about the idea of indignation, the power of indignation can be good form of anger. What does indignation look like and how do we apply that that's a God-given emotion that just says how dare you do that that's that's righteous anger. Okay something is is violating the righteousness of God is Jesus dead in the temple when he addressed this in an indignant way we came to the temple saw the vendors just rigged commercializing things and he turned over the tables.

That was righteous indignation. How dare you desecrate the house of God, and we have to get that way about certain things as well and so you have to understand indignation comes from God and we have to be very forceful input in putting it forth.

I like that one thing in the Christian community that I've noticed we can lean into the passive aggressive category and I think the reason is we set expectations for ourselves which are perfect. You know that are godly. So for example in the workplace. You might say oh I yeah I agree with that. That's a good direction to go. Then in the hallway going. I can't believe managements making that decision. Pastors can relate this.

I can't believe the senior pastor decided to do this when you see them all that's great senior pastor. I'm so glad you're doing that that is a form of passive aggressive behavior and is honest and honestly so dangerous. How do we correct that. How do we be more honest with ourselves and the people around us, so we people know where we stand on something well at their description.

The talks about that in Galatians.

If somebody is overtaken in a fault, you are spiritual, restore them express it if somebody offends you know and tell him his fault see that all kinds of commands to go and tell him his fault. Luke talks about in Luke 17, it talks about if somebody trespasses against you rebuke them, tell them to stop and so is actually I guess the commands of God to be passive like that it really is because we are commanded to confront things that are out of order and when we don't do that. Some people think that's emotional intelligence think that's even being spiritual, to say nothing.

That's not godly. We have to confront with commanded to do it and I think that this is disingenuous as a Christian to do that is a poor example to set your one of the things that we mentioned this a few times about describing some may not know it but in Galatians 5 there's two types of fruit fruit of the spirit which is God. That's Galatians 522 which talks about love, joy, peace, goodness, kindness, mercy, long-suffering, it's good to familiarize and memorize. That was actually in the Galatians 519 is the fruit of the enemy of our soul and you know it starts off there with a lot of things that I'm sure people aren't doing, like sexual orgies, and there's in the first part of the list. It's a lot of sexual activity but then it kind of turns to division line deceit things that I think more of us in the Christian community are guilty of and we've got to make sure that our roots are not in the other guys vineyard yes in it because of the works of the flesh. Those negative things that the works of the flesh here that would allow use the flesh, but that which emanates from our natural thinking that what emanates from being influenced by the world around us and so we have embraced too much of the world's ways, but when we talk about the fruit of the spirit that food has to be developed fruit in general has to be developed. So when you talk about the love and end of long-suffering that's something that emanates from the spirit of God things they list that I negative those are works of the flesh, they emanate from the natural man. You got to ask a step was controlling me and my am I lining up with the fruit of the spirit on my allow the spirit to produce that character trait in me or am I reflecting the works of the flesh, you know it's really important to memorize. I think the two key areas of Scripture to really make sure you understand someone once said to me, they believed, hell will be the absolute absence of God's character, love, joy, peace, goodness, kindness, it will be gone and everything that's left is Galatians 519.

Absolutely torture (yes, because there's so many things we will not do that is negative if we love God. I like what my husband says sometimes he says I don't want to pursue adultery or anything like that because I don't want to hurt.but primarily I don't want to hurt God and we get this mindset want to hurt God to give got that bad reputation like that to make others not think well of God. You'll hear people say all the time these Christians don't tell me thing about Christianity, look what you embracing you become more political than biblical.

Anything to do with Christianity them.

We can watch that you not only that, but I would encourage that person because I heard that a lot of the business community is in the business world. People would want to have lunch and complain about a Christian who stiff them for $1000 or something. I got never saying to them as a young man crazy if you're going to let that prevent you from eternal life just means that's a person who did not apply the faith correctly, almost looking for an excuse or not you are looking looking for an excuse not to embrace God I wish I it's one of the dumbest things a human being could do is use that as an excuse not to find that off the table. Let's not given the opportunity, even you write his behavior.

But if you're that person that's thinking you know, I've seen too many bad Christians don't let that be the barrier when you and God absent a ring that will be to your fall, so will Deborah.

This is been so good. I hope people have really enjoyed this conversation and hopefully learn a little bit more about how to control anger and that your book is terrific 30 days to taming your anger and as always, that we want to make this available to you a free gift of any amount if you can make a monthly commitment, 15, $20 is great. Jean and I do that to Focus on the Family know you. That would be a great way to support us and will send you a copy of Deborah's book as our way of saying thank you for one time gift is what you can do that would be great to. We want to get the book in your hands and again that'll be our way of saying thank you so get a hold of us today begin the time that anger with donate. As you can. Our numbers 800 the letter a in the word family 800-232-6459 three can donate online link is ever so good having. Thank you for coming anti-Semite, and I pray that people will manage their anger is a God-given emotion just have to manage it then and thank you for joining us. If you plan to be traveling this summer.

I do hope you'll stop by and visit us here in Colorado Springs. There is so much to see and learn about the ministry and I know your children will enjoy our adventures on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once again your family thrive you ever wonder what it was like to meet Jesus face-to-face teaching on Messiah flash all new novel by Focus on the Family, I have called you by name. Based on the streaming series immersed yourself in first century Galilee don't want to dive deeper into Scripture with everything Stern learn more about the chosen novel focusonthefamily.com chosen focusonthefamily.com chosen