Discovering God's Design For Your Marriage

Live it on purpose resides. We residing your testimony. There are so many things that God allows us to go through that are comfortable to us that are painful to us that we believe hurts us and we don't want to discuss. But in those things God has a purpose. That's Howard Taylor and he's with us today on Focus on the Family along with his wife Danielle to help you develop a biblical foundation for your marriage, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family on John Fuller and your hostess focus president and author Jim do John, I think marriage is fun most of the time clearly not be fun when there's a disagreement, but a member for July 1 nine months. We took a job traveling the country doing drug and alcohol abuse for high schools so we were together 24 seven for the first nine months of our marriage and purging.

I remember one time she wanted to get away I think is an introvert just to refill.

Go to grocery store like an ice I said hey I'll go to the store with no you just say so. What's wrong with our marriage would happen anyway. Bottom line is whether you been married for decades or you just a few months into your relationship. We want to encourage you to build the best marriage you can enter build that on the rock of Jesus Christ because that's the best place to build your house of marriage and our guess they're going to help us to explore that and give you some wonderful tools to make your marriage as strong as it can be right into Howard and Danielle Taylor are marriage coaches, authors and speakers and a ministry called marriage on deck of a book called the fundamentals of marriage. Eight essential practices of successful couples. It's a great workbook and we have copies of that here at the ministry. The details are in the show notes Howard and Danielle, welcome to Focus on the Family, thank you greatly have you were all originally the three of us originally from Southern California just so I know you've moved near Atlanta. So that's a new journey for you guys, but let's go to the marriage coaching side that when you begin marriage coaching you realize many Christian couples didn't have good foundations for the marriage.

I think that's so true. It's weird as well get you in Cal State Fullerton I went another Cal State use study books to do business or to going to the sciences most important thing you can do to get everybody. I get that will get married. I get that but most of us will get married like there's no manual, no class for that per se I am encouraged that more more churches do marriage counseling yeah premarital hassling, etc. lately man. We need strong foundations don't. And in that way. What what are these couples missing when they don't have that strong foundation yet they're missing what we call the bare rock of their relationship, their rocker foundation at the Don about the house on the house of marriage and so we found as we coach couples would always ask after they listed out everything I didn't like about the manager were bothered about the spouse they would listing things out. We would receive them, just to take note. Get to know me here. The heart thing we like to throw okay after all of that and what do you like about them. Why did you marry him and would you believe God's purpose for your marriage is sin like statistics, which suggests most of the say what I married her or him because I love Ray okay that's a great reason for impact, but why do you believe God has you married today and missed the blank stare. Let's go to the Bible what the Bible says about marriage.

Yes, what does it say as to the why of marriage foundational.

We believe that the Bible starts out straightaway in Genesis 128 beginning to give us a structure for marriage be fruitful and multiply, subdue, and have dominion and so that gives us an idea after God created male and female of how he wanted us to coexist away and so we begin to unpack in our marriage. What is fruitfulness look like what. Of course we believe that it looks like child very because God wants godly children is says in Malachi, but what is the multiplying that for what is subduing the same amino take control of something in our marriage and then ultimately when he says to me, and what is he mean by that. So we begin to unpack in the first chapter Bible what God gave us as instruction believe is a blueprint. So in that in that respect.

You talk about in this great workbook that you do the fundamentals of marriage that you've written which is video components to it as well put in there you're talking about identifying your gifts and purpose as a couple. I I think you and I've done that almost without being too deliberate about it. We could have been more deliberate, but I think we fell into the right groove, but I don't think it was as intentional as it should've been an absence of so help me understand you know purpose and gifts within your marriage what you know only think about purpose.

We think about you know what is it that's going to be eight adhesive to your marriage and marriage has so many seasonality patterns that purpose for Dan.

I specially added that adhesive glue up onto that leaving and cleaving point that was more eternal is more lasting right, but we found is we first got together, it was all our differences that provided conflicts. It was, it was not the things that complemented us and so we began to get intentional about it. We began to say where there was a diagram when our similarities with things that we have in us that complement and is now tell you we landed on we and we believe purpose resides, believe, residing at testimony there so many things that God allows us to go through that are comfortable to us that are painful to us that we believe hurt, says, and we don't want to discuss. But in those things God had purpose in the testing was meant for you to be able to take control of that subdue it, whether it's in your home, whether it's a wandering eye or pornography or whether it's luster whether it's poverty that's number home. The weather was bad parenting.

These experiences that Danielle and I went there because we came from broken homes.

These experiences were court to our purpose in us overcoming them allowed us to have a bond in a glue and so when we saw our friends and our family members begin to get force we start see this kinds of marriage around us. Our heart was sensitive and it was prepared to take on our now life's mission. So we encourage couples to look at what you've experienced in your life. Look at where God has experienced you.

Jesus didn't look at the disciples and and not relate to them being fishermen. He looked at their skill set in their experiences that let me make you a fisherman, a man, and so we tell couples we coach and be practical about that process. What is your testimony would have you went through. These are things that will cause you and your husband wife to want to take control of that and be impactful and serve others in that area and that's where we believe really being intentional about identifying purpose resides for your marriage helps you stay together when people have us purpose that they're working towards the easily to break up on separator.

I don't be with you anymore because you gained weight. We luster choppy addiction. We have a common goal that think bringing us together and help in bonding and I like that. Let me ask you about that idea of identifying your communication style because that's another thing that you emphasize Howard will pick on you for sure sure what was your style. The communication style going into marriage with all of you know your youth, your experience as a child. Obviously, and then how did Daniel confront you about that now is that thought you not always joke that I came from a great line of domestic debaters is in the house out of Flemings in our own everything is an argument or a point or getting something across, or ultimately a debate you know what I found for that is I brought that same habitual communication style in the marriage. You know, we could just be talking about groceries or we could be talking about something that should've been fun, but I found it a great point debating and it began to separate our communication and so as I'm debating Dan one day she began his little one are you like this is an argument on the heartlands making a point I was always trying to make a point and Dale very lovingly.

Just another appointment to send to say it ain't ISO that help me understand the blind spot my communication style which really was in the Senate wasn't to argue my wife but it was developed it was learned what I observed. I would identify with. Yet, I wanted it to marriage. I want to make sure I get this because the communication style you bring in the marriage. Feel a lot about your upbringing and other things and you to the point where you're even unconscious about it. You don't even know you will live in Oxford sure yeah and the more where you can become of that motivation in your triggers.

I think the healthier relationships can be because you got because I could relate to Jean saying exactly what you said to Howard, she would say to me you sound defensive rednecks sound defensive. Right now it's hard for a definite that tape recorder yeah but but you know speak to the that idea of you know, the deeper heart issues that you're expressing when you're going at it like this you know will first to piggyback off what Dan says when you arrive to the sensitive heart condition. Some asked how you defensive or maybe combative or whatever it is for us was very will encourage couples is very important to know that you always leave a sugar price. If you are not. I got sharpens iron. But if you want to breach these conversations and set aside time to help grow and sharpen your spouse the best way to establish rapport with the individual and the needs to be earning what your spouse is to let them know that you see the things that they do great and so damn was great.

What we really helped cure my heart with communication of my strengths and then she added after sugar little salt and then if you're a couple even today. Finish with sugar would begin to look forward to your pruning. That's really good and I like that sugar, salt, sugar should use that tonight you*sweet or not salty right this is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and our guest today are Howard and Danielle Taylor and got a great workbook. It's called the fundamentals of marriage.

Eight essential practices of successful couples and you can just click the episode notes and you'll find the details right there to get your copy know one thing I appreciated about the next section I want talk about is your emphasis on friendship and marriage.

I think Jean is my best friend I can say, and I like that and and I miss her when she's on a trip.

I miss her when I'm on a trip and that's probably good indication but but speak to that idea of friendship.

It's what you have when you're dating. It's what's compelling you toward marriage and then it kinda gets you through the early years of marriage and then for some couples it evaporates as we get down to the business of marriage meaning paying the bills raising the kids get things done. Did you call the plumber God. How could you get the comp one and it's like the business of marriage yeah and you start not liking each other anymore and speak to that idea of how to keep friendship in your marriage and your relationship like Howard and I start off as friends as well but over these years we've always maintained that I friendship is faced. So even though we're married we are friends faced when things that we've had a lot of ups and downs with our child passing away. We've had a failed business be tied to certain keynote things that triathlete had to overcome anything that we've had to deal with each other in our character getting to know each other as we come together and we think to myself if we work together as friends friends first.

Right sometimes and marriage. But the labels on each other and have these unrealistic expectations of perfection because it might be in deep for me, my wife, but when things get tough. It's like at the end of the day always frames and when you're friends with someone you want the best for them sincerely you want to help them where everything. How do you how do you correct that course so practically speaking, I mean, if so, if you feel that going off the rails for some reason on a given day.

How do you get together and say okay timeout. I feel like were not being best friends right now yeah I was a safe day on nine it was a safety net so a lot of things that we go through a marriage is not just median abrupt may be a season where trying to heal some distrust right will friendship became a safety net to that and it gave intention in a way that the spousal relationship. If you're a let down by her husband or wife did so even though here.

I'm not particularly pleased that you did that as my husband or wife. But as my best friend my best llama fight for you. We have a chapter book was caught fighting for, not against, and a lot of times if you see your best friend in a fight or scrapper you don't not defend them because you thought it was your fault you come in swinging and ask questions later in what I found in our marriage is sometimes.

I had to put tech Danielle even against me sometimes write these preconceived notions that ahead of marriage and perfection romanticize notions as her husband.

And I realize became a little suffocating at times the conversations and took the fun out so I had to start looking at her definitively as as my friend.

I want you to win yeah just say that practically we always like to have one like what do you want to do where do you want to go like this in this television. Boy, let's have date night. Let's try something new and fine get out of the notion that routine in the monotony of marriage, and have finally met your hair down there. You know like I see it in you, I mean both of you. I think I especially see the white board map out our fun. It is awesome.

I'm thinking of couples so that they defend. Maybe they never even possess that you know because their childhood or whatever but they haven't really seen life is.

Let's hit the mountain tops.

How do we do that, let's plan to hit the mountain tops and it's okay for Christians to fund and be joyful in the heart of it, but speak to that person and maybe can you relate right now she's saying well I lost my fun like the second week of our marriage while the fourth thing is to pray about.

That's the very first thing is to pray for me go talk to your husband or your wife and explain to them what you love about them what you like about that and how you noticed their interest in their passions do something that they will appreciate how it would surprise me with all kinds of things.

I think that I was interested at the time that he was not necessarily interested in all effect with basketball because Howard played could care less, but you decided to check it out.

So when not like talking.

I hated the way I felt like I don't understand the plays in the game. It just wasn't my thing.

Then I started saying I think is important and if this is fine this is fun for him. I want to be with him so I can be with him and he's having fun I'm having fun just by being with him. Even if that means I'm coming to the basketball game with a stack of magazines them now watching the game. It started with, but I'm going to be looking through my magazine.

Then somebody not games over what I was happy she was there. Okay good I sorry that is when you get that connection can be a lot present extravagant to show that you want to be with that. You're genuinely interested in hanging out with so that magazine watching came to okay when I'm spotting the celebrities in the sand and dating you thinking okay I want to be with, communicate with him.

And if that's what I want to talk to him about what's going on in the NBA world. You know he talks to me about everything I'm doing so let me find out I was there googling his favorite tenet that late. Well of course around things that are going on in the trades and the player in the deal is believed that trade with it on a Dell you friend I'm going to get into that made me want to continue to stay on top of it that I can show him interested in which interest is funny. I'm laughing inside because the football, you know, she began to take an interest. I so appreciate that. But she said if you could tell me more about the players like Luther married to. Do they have kids you serious and that she's going out we could do that I'd be more interested as I was hilarious. As I started for got a family kids somebody had Peyton Manning was one-on-one he was that the Broncos and all that so it's really funny but you're saying basically connect in a place that your spouse enjoys being in Intel they don't needle them for being there, but I anticipate present another another thing you have in the workbook is about the no breakup policy and I get that, I think, again, back to your point Danielle earlier. So many Christians don't really understand or read the word often enough to know it and that's job one right reason. Read the words that's the heart of God and that no breakup policy is a great thing. Describe what it is. No breakup policy first came and dating today on I've only met Courtney to figure out what is going to look like very early on we started to experience conflict in our communication styles we mentioned earlier and there's a pressure to just say you know what if you don't like it if I don't like it will go separate ways, we will see that often times are delicious prior to our relationship. This breakup a person to move on right we as we read the world realize that if we could just breakup in our dating season life we could divorce and we believe that God hates divorce. As he says in Malachi chapter 2 it he hates it and so we knew that we wanted to be with somebody for a lifetime.

If we got married and so we don't want to start practicing the muscle memory of it was something that we wanted to discipline ourselves through while recording each other and dating each other so that when marriage got rough. We knew how to in the stormy seas and put up our umbrellas and raincoats and Magan way opposed to exit stage left and so that's what our policy was that was going to be our policy in the final piece was.

It is if we broke up we can never get back together again for those that may be in that space where their thinking and it's a lot easier to give up now you get to take the same garbage into the next relationship. That's what they don't realize it'll just be easier because the first quarter so much easier than the fourth quarter and in what years it's worth yeah what you're saying is exactly right. This is part of growth in life is working together to get through the tough stuff and you come out stronger and Gina, I can have that same thing with Nina divorce was just off the table. We're never going to entertain it and I think that does give you a safety net.

Like you said earlier, speak to that idea that you also need that spiritual foundation to get through the storms of life, literally anything that in my family, my parents, we have five marriages amongst my mom and my father before he passed away.

And so I saw the voicing and breaking. It doesn't necessarily mean that the grass is greener, likely say that the divorce rate gets higher and higher.

But what I didn't see was the foundation in Christ to help keep those marriages together right was missing I was missing yes yes which my mom if they now think you Jesus met at the time wasn't right.

So Howard and I when we got together we would pray every day and we will read our Bible because we knew that that is the foundation of my faith believe that's the foundation of our lives.

This is the only way this relationship is really going to work as marriage coaches we could give people tips and you know activities and exercises and things to do to help their relationship, but none of that is going to work if you really truly invite God into the marriage right there is the Scripture in Isaiah 65 that says the Lord says here I am here I am, but you don't answer my help) the kind of how it is.

I feel like sometimes with Mary to thank God knows everything. He knows all of the problem in our relationship. He knows the hearts and motives of ourselves and my South and so he has all the answers. We don't go to him to get the answer way you know you say that in the course were hearing from Christian couples frequently. Her focus that are in a stalemate situation and I think again because they're not applying the word of God into their relationship. Let's end here were that couple you know that they really have found that they don't like their spouse anymore and you know we have something called hope restored.

It's a four day intensive. A lot of the couples that come to that, there kind of in that last not of the road is the last thing were going to try and it's sad because you started loving each other and so for that couple that is feeling that again there just there just lost in that relationship. What advice would you have for them today.

What can they do differently tonight over dinner. Be intentional about connection. Be intentional about how they connect. We talk about something called holistic intimacy connecting physically, mentally, but spiritually the foundation of a marriage. Kylie-based marriage is your spiritual connection, and so in the workbook does many chapters about different things that disconnect is whether it's your finest that looks to disconnect you weathers your communication, that in me will is to disconnect your separate whether it's physical intimacy or money or whatever it is we have to be intentional about cleaving to our spouse and making Jesus the foundation of that cleat that comes to seeing your spouse through the eyes of Christ losing couples look and say I can't do it anymore. I want to divorce my wife. I wanted to force my husband only love them and more. We said behind his Christ.

Look at your husband find out his Christ thoughts. God's perspective of your wife and begin to look at him that way. That is the charitable agape love that marriage is missing that is really good and I hope people understand that Danielle I want to describe something to you that I've heard years ago, but it the idea of a wife's heart, particularly being like a rose and in the early stages of marriage it's open its blossom to great fragrance. Her heart and then over time if that is not watered. If it's not said how that Rose closes and how it dies and I when I heard that description of the particularly of a wife's heart that she just feels like the Rosener heart is dead. It's such a powerful word picture and the husband's job is to till the soil was that Rose and to make sure that roses like thriving speak to that. I think if your heart is hurting you a disease close to the broken hearted but I would go turning to God. I would turn into hand. I don't pray like Lord, you know, make how it be faithful can be deftly connecting the faithful man my trust and confidence is in Christ and watching this is to find someone to pray and ask God to watch over him and convict his heart necessary for anything and keep them safe in all of the things I'm concerned about. To do that so I think that if we as women as wives if we fall into the love of Christ as God loves us so much he will then die and high and allow us to see our marriage for what it can be speak positive disappointment. So I think these are great thoughts and wonderful essentials to marriage and I'm glad you guys come to talk. I hope I hope everybody you probably if you've been married 30 something years like John and I the skyscrapers, by the way of younger couples in your church.

What a great gift to be able to give this tumor even run a small group with them. I would encourage people to do. Maybe Jean and I can do that the fundamentals of marriage. Eight essential practices of successful couples.

You've heard some of the things we did cover them all here, but if you can make a gift of any amount. Join us in ministry.

Let's make it fun to support the ministry here to do what were doing and will send you a copy of the workbook as our way of saying thank you for participating in ministry and of any amount if you can afford it. We still want to get it in your hands will trust others will cover the cost of that just get in touch with us and that we want to certainly strengthen your marriage and make it the best possible marriage. It can be in the name of Christ.

So get a hold of us and let's do this together, let's change country. This is one way to do long healthy marriages will change a nation colas today are numbers 800 K in the word family 800-232-6459 or stop by the show notes will have details therefore you when you're online. Be sure to take a few minutes and I would get a free marriage assessment there that maybe five minutes of your time will help you see where you're doing well maybe in area or to growth and look for free marriage assessment. When you're at the website and coming up next time some practical help for your sacred journey of parenthood is apparent you will face levels of anger you've never experienced before. As a parent I face levels of fear. I never experienced before.

Also face levels of happiness and joy and wonder. So there's a positive as well. On behalf of Jim Daly, and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back once again help you and Your Family Dr. in Christ.

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