Growing Closer to Your Spouse When Money is Tight

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I constantly go back in my mind and in my heart and remember all the times that God has been faithful how he showed up how he has done things that I didn't see any way out of Jeff and Chuckie felt our guest today on Focus on the Family encouragement for you can better make it during these tough financial times that so many of us are experiencing during the pandemic. I John Fuller and your hostess focus president and author Jim Dale John. The current economic situation has caused a lot of fear. For many, many people and the rationally for good reason. We've seen historic high numbers of Americans filing for unemployment I think were somewhere around 1780, maybe 20 million right now and business owners are struggling as well.

Small businesses that are shut down were in touch with a lot of our donor community and many of them are small business owners and they have had to let people go. We are praying for them every day that the Lord will give them wisdom on how to navigate this and if you're in that spot in your faithful focus supporter. Please know that were praying for you and lifting you up to the Lord. Literally, each and every day. One thing that's troubling.

So many people is simply the uncertainty of what were facing and it's putting a strain on relationships. I think particularly marriages. Couples are struggling to have hope to know that there is an end to this and maybe even you know breaking their relationship over these things. Right now Jeff and Chante felt that they know what uncertainty feels like because they're living it right now and they have some great advice for all of us about communicating regarding money in these difficult times and Jeff and Chante have been on the broadcast. A number of times. Chante is very popular speaker, a best-selling author. She's a social researcher as well.

Jeff is the president and CEO of a tech company and together they written a new book they were making available@focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. It's called thriving in love and money five game changing insights about your relationship your money and yourself Jeff and Chante. I welcome back to focus. It's great to be here good to be making guys little different circumstances this time all the distance recording that were doing.

Where are you right now physically wearing my my home office here in Atlanta, Georgia okay great and were all the way back in Colorado. Johnson, a different studio production team scattered all over the streets. There we are practicing physical distancing and trying to do the best we can do Jeff and Chante. It is an unusual situation that would been experiencing with this coronavirus and I know that the nationwide shutdown has directly impacted both of you, which makes it very relevant to have you on in your work. You have not been able to speak Chante, you're kinda sidelined right now and Jeff you're struggling with money in your business, correct that's that's absolutely what is that look like for you, I mean some people say and I'm sure you've packed enough away to really make make it through some like this. But what's the environment like you personally. Definitely not having packed enough away to make it.

This is definitely in history for Hassan. Now of course it's every authors dream to work for three years on a bunk and have it release one week before a national emergency is declared out it is a classic small business where we we plow we get back into the state and back into the and so it's not just about okay how we can pay the mortgage. Also how we can really on, so it's all sorts of very practical and very emotional stuff wrapped up together right.

This is, it's a bit ironic isn't it. I mean I think if you can keep your sense of humor in this moment that God gives you this idea to write this book. It's just come out thriving in love and money and by the way, your love is going to be stretch and not much money well because we realize nobody's buying box. All events are canceled. Most of our sources of income are gone and I realized that God knew this was going to happen and suddenly we've written this book intend this research to help people really come together around money in their marriage on a relational standpoint, not just like technical budget. You don't want us talking about technical budget there already looking at a great relationship around money so that it's no longer a source source of connection only millions of people stuck in worrying about money got exactly what he was doing and having this come out when it with that and you know again you got a kind of smile about it because here the Lord is hedge on this journey to write this and then you guys are right in the middle of it. Having delivered very things that you wrote about the advice, let him ask in that regard. What did your research reveal about couples and their attitudes about money.

Let's start there. Let's pretend coronavirus is just an amplifier of those things that were already dealing with. But what what was that basic research what did you see while saying that we found is that when you're having tension around money it really easy to think that more money like all of us think that especially now actually it's not necessarily true. It's truly not against obstacle to financial freedom.

The biggest obstacle to getting the biggest obstacle to typing and getting for all the churches today that are worrying about financial survival right when they have the most needs. The biggest obstacle all of back to back. We don't have put together a budget that could be the case or where spending when we say although you could be the case. The biggest obstacle. It turns out, is the inability of husband and wife to sit down at the kitchen table and talk about money.

You know, in this context. These discussions can get really hard and you guys are experiencing that what does that sound like to do it right you know when you're looking at your bank account. You may have been laid off or your small business isn't generating any revenue you've closed. Whatever it might be. What does that healthy discussion look like honey. Here's reality. This is what we need to do and have had we associate all of that money. Let me start by sharing how it doesn't look close to look because what actually happens is at times like this. What we found is that the individual in the marriage. That might be more of the Savior type than the slender really feels vindicated about their course of action or what they said that we should do as a couple and it's it's kind of easy for that to even go beyond vindication into resentments and speaking as someone who is a more of the Savior type in our relationship really deal with that, Jeff.

Let me give you. Be careful what you're about to say no and this is true in and it is it is the looking back over the last couple of years and in going down Ironman wheat we spent on this if we had taken at Disney World vacation. If we hadn't done this or spent on this take out or on whatever it is to look and say shoot where wearing a bit of a fix now because we spent more and we look solely the cost of things as opposed to what were some of the benefits that were gained during those experiences that we took as a family. I oftentimes negated what was gained in our Disney World vacation, even though it cost money. What we got were a whole lot of experiences and memories and all of those were kind of pushed along by Chante wanting to do it.

Her wanting to gain the experience as well. The kids were young, still in the house. So now when were forced together as a family relationally. We talked about these experiences, we laugh about them. We like being around each other each other and Jeff was very gracious to sort of.

I was struggling with a little bit of resentment like we could have four or $5000 in the bank. If we didn't do Disney World if he didn't go out to eat. If we didn't do these other things. Last year, that strengthen the family now were forced together and we like each other. We shared experiences so that the answer to your question about like how do you start talking about how you come together and communicate what we found in the research and it really starts with understanding what are those things that are running underneath the surface in yourself and your spouse because lying is that this is the biggest finding is that when you're arguing about money or tense about it. It's not about the money it's about how money makes you feel and how it makes your spouse feel and all these expectations in insecurities if you understand those in yourself and your spouse only talking about money becomes much more simple and much more natural and I like that II think the concept of acting as a team, you're on the same team are not fighting each other you, not the opposition. It's good to remember in that moment that Jeff let me also ask about this idea of the illusion of control. I think money does hide some of the control problems that people possess the people have. What's your definition of this illusion of control when it comes to the comfort money brings. Yeah, I mean, obviously we I think your word is illusion.

And that's spot on.

Because not a single one of us could have predicted this situation and we can do all the right things and we should do the right things. We should be prudent. We should be careful.

We should talk about these things with our spouse, but ultimately kind heavenly father is the one who is in control of everything and not us and nothing happens without first flowing through his hands so yeah just recognize that your your obsession is in my case with control and with trying to be as self-reliant and not having to depend on anyone in any situation. It is, is that very thing is an illusion thing about that and engine. This is more getting a little more practical if you don't mind.

From what we found in the research that really help that I think will help other folks we we found that there were all these factors I said there running underneath the surface that we need to understand about ourselves and this brings up the fact of one of the big factors we learned about money is that we are truly not valuing what the other person values like something and recognizing something else legitimately matters to end this thing you're talking about with control and like the same are trying to store everything that they can do something that matters to and for people who are not like crazy spenders, but more the direction that they go for recognizing actually legitimate value as well for extinct all now that I'm we've done the research, unable to articulate it in a way that I couldn't before I recognize that when Jeff would be so focused on saving and I care about being wise with money to of course there is something in me that goes. God promises that he's come here to give us an abundant life, and he said father who wants to give good gifts to his children for us to enjoy not just 30 years from now when we retire because we saved up all this money to enjoy life and start all his money and Barnes and never make it to retirement, to enjoy it like you can't control it just doesn't work that way. So, I realize that for me that's a value and suddenly we see in the research, something that I hope will help people to have this conversation which is the same person values are the only ones that matter and that both of us need to honor the other and recognize that no 2.0 people's viewpoints are legitimate and really truly recognizing your all struggling to deal with the new normal in there are marital patterns that kind of pop up in get magnified with the stress of what's going on.

That's why were doing this program today with Jeff and Chante felt on this is Focus on the Family with euros Jim Daly I'm John Fuller in the kind of honesty of her today is in their new book, which is not to mention just came out it's called thriving in love and money five game changing insights about your relationship your money and yourself. Get in touch and will send a copy to you her number is 800 K and the word family Jeff and Chante yeah I so appreciate that openness and willingness to do that. I think I can identify with where you're coming from Jeff or me and that's the you know it's not always room. Money either. I think husbands we have this mechanism where we want to shut down when were confronted with things that we don't want to deal with right now and likewise Chante. I so appreciate the self-awareness that it's not about winning is not about me winning it's about us winning but a lot of couples struggle in this in this area, you know, if I don't win. I feel like I've lost. If he wins, I lose and that's really not a good place to be.

What are some of those practical tips for husbands and wives to honor each other and that kind of context when you talk about love and money you know another another thing that I think all of us are seeking really to be understood to be understood by our spouse, how we feel about certain things right or wrong. Hopefully right but we want to know that they kind of feel her pain and we had this rate, about four weeks ago we were having lunch with a couple and they were talking about what books it meant to them the earlier books that were written and they got a copy of this new book and they were saying this is really important because I'm understanding how I can communicate with my wife now about my need for saving and not spending in and for her to kind of understand that as a kid you know when I was in my teen years. My family had a personal bankruptcy and that was a defining moment in our family and I life and it impacted how I thought of money and planned in all of those things because I wanted to avoid that with everything that was in me and my wife knew that story.

She knew about it, she kind of got it, but it wasn't until just two weeks ago when the whole coronavirus shutdown is Hassan and she said to me wow is this what you feel like every day and he said it is and so she finally got it for him. That was liberating because all of a sudden she understood everybody wants to be understood and really we were so blown away ourselves to recognize that Jim confesses to you and all the listeners. This was the one area of our marriage that before we started this research, we were not the same. And this is the one area we could not talk about it always resulted in tension, we just avoided it and to recognize that sent me. We how you feel like I just didn't know, and secondly all going on over your head allows you to come together and really honor each other and to have those conversations you've never been able to have the floor and let me tell you, there's ever a time that we suddenly need to be able to come together and communicate well about money now know that's why were doing this I mean, I think, again, a lot of couples are under the spotlight under the pressure cooker and you're expressing it so well again I appreciate your honesty. Let's speak to the big take away from couples that are listening if they can learn to communicate about that underlying fear about money. What will that foundation okay we can talk about it that foundation. What's it going to do for them going forward. Well, we can actually end to see you know 77% was number 77% of us can't talk well about money right now so there's a lot of us that has not, and if we can.

What we found is that suddenly money becomes an opportunity for Ken Maxson and closeness rather than an opportunity for conflict and tension and avoidance and murder down all of those other feelings I don't feel so good.

And then once you can connect and come together around that deconstruct all of these things that you have in your head and getting to know you have in your head like now it's your money and my money not our money like things you didn't even know you are feeling.

Once you do, and you can connect then suddenly things like budgeting things like making a decision about hard choices like where having to make right now because we lost most of the sources of our income. Suddenly, those conversations become a together conversation you and me as we conversation rather than a power struggle and rather than one person may be feeling steamrolled and the other person feel feel like they have to take over. It suddenly is much more unity right when unity is needed and he said it so well and were getting right near the end of the program. I want to make sure we hit very squarely. The couples that are struggling.

You know they're thinking about Howard going to put food on the table. What next week looks like what tomorrow may look like in terms of the difficulties they're facing right now probably as believers in Christ. This to me is very important question and that is a you have had some struggles. There's a story I want to hear from you about your daughter and some of the decisions you have to make, but you're also seeing God provide almost miraculously for those needs and the big question for the couples that I'm thinking about is what is God teaching you so that we can translate that into our own lives, our own marriages about what God may be teaching us in this moment of scarcity and crisis and eligible to show that story with you. One of the things that as we approach these things these uncertainties that I always have to keep coming back to, and it's based on my favorite verse in the Bible, which is Psalm 1032 which says praise the Lord, O my soul and forget not all his benefits. I have to constantly go back in my mind and in my heart and remember all the times that God has been faithful how he showed up how he has done things that I didn't see any way out of but because he's a good father. I can trust that he did then and I can trust. He'll do it in the future and and Chante want to share that story that just recently happened to face ago.

I know this is such an example to me of we talk in our ministry and our business about God's faithfulness and it's just amazing when you see it Shallotte day after day in a time like this where we have no other option but to trust God we have a ministry and salaries we have to pay and you know what you do when you have a run rate of $20,000 a month and $8000 in your bank account right like what is that look like and our daughter during this period she she's a college student, and she's of course I know doing classes at home and she has asked mine recently where like medicine doesn't soon be working anymore and it nervous when you got a pulmonary disease going around right and as for Sonny was a deal. And so we scheduled months and months ago to have her do this test at the hospital and to be able to sort of see how we get around this and we just found out it was going to be $2000 like that might as well be a million and we don't have the typical insurance. It's all self-pay and were self-employed and so what I mean when I found out is almost $2000. I started crying like I do about this, but what I trust you and okay now I am back right and two days ago we heard that suddenly the publisher publishes our devotionals. They made a mistake on the royalties last year and the owner drove by her house and put a check in our mailbox that was more than enough to cover that $2000 just such an example will provide for your needs during this scary, scary time, he well in all sorts of ways, not just financial.

This is just such an opportunity for us to look up not get so focused on the problems that we what God is doing so good in the two great faith builder for your daughter to see it in action as well as a young person to go while God really answered that prayer mom and dad were sending up for me itself to soak. What a great encouragement to Jeff and Chante. That is the place to wrap up that God is in control of fear.

Not all the wonderful scriptures that remind us that his love for us is greater than that of you know the sparrows and the lilies of the field and all those things that we matter to him or the crown of his creation and he cares for us but not to fret and I just want to remind folks to get in touch with us if you need some help. Let us know how we can pray with you. How can we send you some resources that can help you whether to book Jeff and Chante's great book thriving in love and money.

For example, we only touched the surface of the content in this resource and it's a great resource to have certain led want to make available to you.

If you can make a gift of any amount. If you can't I get it right now and I want to be sensitive to that. I'm in a trust that others can take care of the expense of that will cover it. Get in touch with us will get the book in your hands and if you can afford it. Don't be embarrassed get it out to because it matters to us. We want you to grow closer to Christ in the situation. Jeff and Chante. I don't know about you, but man, God teaches us so much in the valleys but we rarely honor that or recognize that you're in it right now. Are you saying hallelujah Jesus that sometimes sometimes pausing and work up to that.

It's been so remarkable about this and everybody can understand this because were all right. So is to see things in all of this difficulty the blessings of being around family.

When you love one another. The blessings of being able to watch okay while my kids are more resilient than I thought it online school or whether they learn – you know, okay God is working in these little microcosms she's doing something in our world and our culture in our hearts.

This can be priceless. Once we look back on it so it's a matter of trusting that and holding onto that, especially in the circumstances thank you so much for being with this.

Take care yourselves and it lets be safe, be well and be faithful God bless you guys were so grateful to Jeff and Chante for their transparency. Great story land on their gym with with God providing unexpectedly. We ask him to do that for all of our listeners who are in need and want to just remind you were here to serve you focus on family remains open because of the faithful donations in support of so many over the years and even some special gifts that have come in these days we want to help you were phone call away 800 K in the word family will connect you with the counselor will send a copy of this book written thriving in love and money with a lot of other great resources as well want to point out we have covered 19 resource page with devotionals activities for you and the kids and an online link to our streaming service which has hours and hours of family-friendly entertainment. It's all online with the link in the episode notes or call one 800 K on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here at Focus on the Family. Thanks for joining us today. I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time.

Once again help you and your family thrive in Christ