Balancing Work and Family While Staying Home

With all the tapping in the world who may be looking for ways to both entertain and encourage your family. We like to help you do just that by giving you a four week free trial of the adventures in Odyssey club you can find our catalog of nearly 900 adventures in Odyssey programs. These exciting episodes are a great way to keep your family connected to God's truth as you navigate through significant and unexpected changes to your normal day-to-day life. So go to a I/O club.org and get started on your free trial of the adventures in Odyssey club and so there are things you can control and things you can't but what you can control is what shows are you watching what news are you getting how are you accessing it you know all those things.

Those are things you do have control over, and I do believe when, where, why, in choosing that point to lessen our anxiety. Arlene Peloquin joins us today on Focus on the Family posters focus president Dr. Jim Daly and on John Fuller, John. I am so thankful that were able to supply the majority of our team with the technology here focus to accomplish the mission and thankfully we were just ahead of the curve when we had the shelter in place orders come down and we had a plan working. If we had to work from home for a variety of reasons. What would we do and so the IT the tech group here.

Focus did a fantastic job hitting people equipped and ready to work from home, and we been doing that for the last few weeks now and then I want to give a shout out to the entire staff. The response services team that handle all the incoming calls the counseling team that will talk with you, the listeners, when you have a need in that area. Don't hold back. Nothing will surprise this. That's why we're here.

That's why people support this ministry is to supply you with biblical guidance in biblical counseling and we are proud that the team is stepped up and continued to work hard in this environment is more more people need input about how they're doing with their marriage how they're doing with the parenting.

It's an interesting moment in our culture being sheltered in place and being close to our loved ones a lot more than we're used to, and I've enjoyed it. You know the time the gene and I've spent together just peeling back the pressure of time commitments. I'm sure that many of you are working from home and you got this complexity of how do I keep it all going spinning the plates in and of being a good spouse of being a good parent and being perhaps even a good son or daughter to your elderly parents. It's all happening and working to talk today with a very special guest a great friend Arlene Peloquin who can help us better understand the home environment and what we can do now to ensure that this is a positive adventure, not a negative one. And Arlene is well equipped to address the topic and she's always a popular guest here at Focus on the Family. She's written a number of books and of the one that really relates to the topic today and the times for today is called calm, cool and connected five digital habits for a more balanced life and as she and her husband James have three children and live in the San Diego California area Arlene welcome back to focus. It's great to be with you now and always jealous you live in the greatest. I think you area country San Diego. The weather is perfect all the time and how are you doing San Diego is kind of a good place to be. Hold up my kitchen with palm trees here and it's not glamorous like there's concrete everywhere and I will tell my children and you know that there are people in this country who look at this pumping palm trees like the kind of the way we see snow and just to be prescient so yes where here Arlene, let's get to this issue of that word vision that were having right now with everything at home trying to you know carve out a little working space for us and get the things done. The funny thing I'm doing quite a bit of video meetings and Jean now has me positioned at our kitchen table out the window so nobody can see her running back in between the shots announced that Trenton Troy noted, go quiet when dad's on the conference call but what are some of the things you're experiencing and ideas you might have about this blurred environment. Yet it is quite an adjustment.

I saw this funny meme and it was Dolly Parton from that old movie 9-to-5 and instead when you're a parent working from home and then it was like working 9 to 915, nine 2925 and 45 to 1010 2010 30 I was like now that that is because when the kids are in school you have this broad swath of time.

If you work at home if you work in the office. Obviously you are working uninterrupted and all of a sudden you have these interruptions happening so I think one thing is just lower that expectation and you know it's not going to be the traditional 9-to-5 you are going to have questions throughout the day your older child may need help logging on to let you know a computer program.

Your younger child may be like okay money.

How are we doing now you said those things are gonna happen, so I just left.

Think of getting you know for some of you with younger kids. Maybe it's 2 to 3 hours of solid work done and that might happen in 20 minute increments, and that is okay and that's just kinda how it's going to be now. It's also a great opportunity for your kids to step up because you have written these books. When my kids now they're older. So my youngest is in fifth grade, so this is a little easier for me because I can tell fifth grader and eighth grader and 1/10 grader. Hey, I gotta work for two hours foods in the kitchen. Really, I can do that you don't. But you know I kids are so resilient and creative when we let them be that they could sit next to you with a bucket of toys. If you train them that way.

And if there's no other option. There's no other option than they learn that real quick so I think looking for blocks of time to work from home instead of thinking. Ideally, oh yeah going to be there. 9-to-5 notes probably not happen and I'm in the same boat. I you have had aching engagements canceled and different things and I'm thinking, what can I do to help people from home, so I'm doing this daily study video study five of 31 days become a happy mom to figure some onset there. They're not so happy it's coronavirus time and so it'll be this 10 minute snapshot and I do on Facebook and ceramics yelled down to get everybody: no no no yelling at each other. No plan with the pool table.

I can hear those balls you like and so they get used to this.

And one time it was so crazy because it's been going really smoothly smoothly. But one day I hear this boom when the movable bubble up the stairs and I'm thinking who in the work and it's my entire family with my husband. The three kids on the goldendoodle and the goldendoodle is not even allowed upstairs you're not looking at what I'm not looking at family and I am doing this live thing and my whole families behind me like I guess they been in quarantine to like jumping up and down in the background completely distracting and I was like you've got to be getting.

I'm a mom author so that works for me.

You know you in a more serious to be a problem. That's true.

That's right. And that's part of the issue. Let me ask you to be one of the things going on for Jean and I it's screen time and you know Troy is a junior and the daily household is more about like it might run okay. How do we know peeled Troy away from the screens and yet is go to do school work and you know you want to do some gaming with his friends. It's been a good time for him to connect with friends that way but it usually is. Everybody's normal sensitivities are even hypersensitive in this environment when it comes to screen time. What suggestions do you have for the frantic or panicky parents who were worried the junior or you know the little ones are getting way too much screen time yeah and you can kind of tester child.

So if you feel like all my goodness to see how it used to be five hours and now it's seven hours or used to be two hours and now it's a five hour lever you know have a block of time. Sunday's a great time to do it to say hey were going to do.

Our online church, but then after that were going to do.

No screens until dinner or were going to have from afternoon on no screens and just see how your family dies and if your family is totally fine. Like there is no pushback. There's no questioning, and they can do other things and you can feel like you know working to be able to shift back into a more conservative gear in the future but if you see that oh wow they cannot even go you know they used to be able to do this, but we can even go one afternoon. Without them, complaining like mom, dad, one of my supposed to do or I can't stop playing this game then you know okay this is something more serious that we are going to now not only have to deal with the coronavirus organ have to deal with the aftermath the coronavirus of breaking changing all these new screen habits that we have that when the school is open. The kids and I want to go to school to watch TV or play video games all day and that can be a hard thing to break. So if you see that hey that reentry things can be a challenge, then you can start looking forward and saying hey you know working to power down to 7 PM. I need a new intro for the family discussion. Gotta talk to Troy.

We just need to talk to about words that you know a little higher bar up during the stock rose Lord who Troy mom and I would like to talk to you in a few minutes you got a moment we could talk with the site. What's up what about the problem I've got to come up with something new.

Hey buddy, want to come upstairs and you know were going do something in between doing something were to talk about go in your beautiful garage and fix something and then back quite beautiful yet, but this week I'm good at it night by the end of the week it's going to be used for can span hey Arlene, when were looking at the quarantine situation again. I want to be crystal clear for those listening that are struggling are you doing anything dramatic to differentiate between work and play for Jean. It's not a working plaything, but we were talking the other day. You know a little bit with older teenagers. You know Jean was saying. I think there might be an expectation of breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I said forget that they make the breakfast they figure out what the for lunch and you'll do a great job with dinner when were all around the table together, but don't do it. She was like yeah I like that idea you forage for breakfast and lunch and then I'll make a good dinner. What are some things depend upon you know, work separation, and even like that when you have kids that should be doing their things on their own fault into temptation to take care of them right now because of your nervousness about the environment or you want to make sure your kids are, what are healthy and unhealthy things in that way. Yeah. And I think having some kind of rhythm the same rate them day after day after day and obviously we might feel that way because it's coronavirus but you know when you and your kids wake up that there is a similar way time. I think that's a wonderful way, and you know it's different, so now for the girls and I it's 8 o'clock you know is when we come to show up at the breakfast table where before used to be much earlier, but it's 8 o'clock breakfast and then the girls and I have been exercising so again when we talk about the screen time.

I want to encourage us to think of digital vegetables and digital candy that yeah I want to think digital vegetables. Those are things in the rhythm of your day that are really good for you and your kids and their things like Skype and grandma and doing your history lesson, and you know texting your teacher, things like that.

That's digital. That's was the things you gotta get them to go get it done and it's actually fun stuff too like if you want to learn. Francis, my son loves 3D printing so want to learn how to 3D printer, Nerf gun, so he'll watch videos about that and he'll go do that so I feel like that's digital vegetables or something or learning something practical and useful. Now the digital candy that's there like one more YouTube video. Just watch him fall one more time. You don't know how many times I can watch the Broncos 2015 football season. I have definitely gorged on that. I think I've memorized every player so that's like you and having digital candy which is fine if you have it eight hours a day never know.

It's like you can't. It's too much, especially the Häagen-Dazs I would never go for Gino for that routine. It was that digital vegetable and Hayward and work out which we would never have done before.

During the coronavirus of the girls and I do a 30 minute workout every morning together and it just frames the day really well both for work and for school so I do encourage you to get a little bit of exercise in the morning and believe it or not, even though you don't feel like it that you will feel better through the day that will be actually energizing for you and that's a positive use of screen time so I like having the same rhythm in the morning that starts out with the workout name for them at night. You know, basically five or 6 o'clock were having dinner and now are starting to do more like you know it could be a sitcom. We watched together. It might be a game. It might be reading it might be nothing. Everybody kind on their own, but it's you know not everyone sitting there in front of the screen and then obviously during that big chunk that 9 o'clock to 5 o'clock, like all Lord mercy that only 11 o'clock, then it's breaking it up into chunks that okay were going to work. Maybe that's a for an hour and 1/2, and the thing is for us now as adults we have got to be so productive.

No more cyber loafing and looking I had to stop like all the shopping advertisements that I get my email box like those are way too distracting during coronavirus I need to unsubscribe to all those lists so that when I sit down on my computer.

I am actually working because time is so precious and your kids are wired different some of your kids like my kids are independent learners so that I can trust them that they're actually doing what they're supposed to be doing because one child is super like this is what the rule says I will do it exactly like like filthy old mom like we can't and it's like no no I know she can beat that child can be fine. I have one child. If it's due in two weeks they will get it done in two days and be like good on how to think about it have another child due in two weeks. Danielle went 12 days still under the deadline, but you know everybody's different so you can think about your kids and for my kids like with the older ones.

If you're hovering too much could be not so good because it reminds me of my husband if he's like do you really need to eat that other cookie telling me if I need to eat a cookie or not you and I can think that's how our kids Hillary like did you do your mouth homework I know to do my math homework mom. So, sometimes less is more.

For many kids last direction and just checking in beginning of the week. Do you know what's expected of you this week. That's kind of the week.

How did it go this week like you don't need to check on the time you probably have access to their grades, and so I'll check that maybe every two weeks. I'm not on there every day checking how do you know so just have not read them and if you got that child who does need that supervision here like if I do not say on that child. It's going to get nothing done all week. You note then it really is saying you know what, here are the expectations for the day. If you do these expectations, you will have dinner if you do not do these expectations, you will not have dinner you like you can scream but eventually if you can embrace that your child will figure it out like yeah I guess I better do my math homework because I'm kind of hungry boot camp boot camp so your kid will not die. And believe me there are no snacks in your pantry or kibble live so it's going to be just fine. You know, but just have not thought of. How can I make sure put that monkey on your child's back is your responsibility to do your homework, not mine. Good training to appreciate the rhythms routines and boundaries that Arlene Peloquin is suggesting today on Focus on the Family were making her book available on our website.

It's called calm, cool, connected five digital habits for more balanced life and you can find that online.

We got the link in the episode notes or call 800 K and the word family. Arlene, the John mentioned the great book you have, calm, cool and connected it and it really is to help people disconnect from distractions social media screen time is a big part of it, but really disconnect from other distractions to and connect to those you love your family, etc. you have an acrostic in there called habit. What is the meanings of that acrostic habit and then let's just look at agent. So what are the five yeah and it really is. These are things you can do that systems the H is hold down the off button a is always put people first be brushed daily live with a clean conscience I I will go online with purpose and T take a hike, get yourself out of that zone of staring at your computer, start moving, get outside, okay, great. Will post those at the website John but let's start with a trauma. Again, were not to go through five I don't think, but hold down the off button can mean a lot to spouses might want to clarify that I hold down the off button right now and not listen is not what I'm talking okay I'm sorry I am talking about on your dear little phone there is an actual off button on all the time and it's the idea that there are moments in your day where it is appropriate not to have your phone accessible not to have it on that your bedtime would be one ritual I think 71% of American sleep right next to that digital binky and maybe with coronavirus were just that much closer so much closer right but we need more of those moments violent moments where we can think where we can reflect about how are families doing and you know it's like a digital binky many times are some of us that when we have a newborn. We keep a real close all the time right how you do it too hot to cold and we can be that way with our phone because my is a dry parched you know and so just for us to realize mealtime is a great time to hold down the off button bedtime, even for your teenager right this is going to make you really popular Savior, specially working to collect your phone at 11 PM and you can get it at breakfast and your teenagers not can it be like oh thanks for protecting my sleep that's going to make me a better human being. You know your tears and the right and you're like well you live in my house and I've most likely pay your bill. So yeah so that I might be something to do.

But again, be ready. They're not can be excited about that, but that's a good time to hold down the off button because they're not getting wonderful tax about Bible study at 3 AM in the morning.

You know you are sleeping well when were with the phone and wondering is it going to go off and so that's so important for kids and adults know sometimes when you will a bit of extra help. I remember my daughter Noel when she is about to. She loved to suck her some and she would just chew it till it was wrong and so my husband James is very creative and he's had these pajamas that were too big for her and she sewed up the ends on the sleeves so her hand couldn't go through when she went to bed. She went to suck her thumb and it wasn't there like she could find it.

She cried and cried and cried and cried the first night, but by about 9345 to come to realize, like I guess Mike is not there anymore and she started going to sleep at training right like she couldn't get to it. And then after about a month we could switch her out to normal pajamas and then she stopped biting her thumb so severely and for some of us we need some help because we get to our phone and there is just nothing stopping us whether we are an adult teenager, a child, it's like I need that iPad. I need a video game. I took my social news used to be that a newspaper in the morning right front page back page close it up it's done now. My goodness gracious every headline what's can happen.

What happened in all daily and so sometimes we need outside intervention to sew up our sleeves so to speak.

So were not constantly checking.

So I think it's important to have space in your day where you do put your devices somewhere else and you do something totally different. But let's quickly cover the habit and again will post this website and most importantly, people need to get your book and hopefully through focus.

But what's the habit it is.

I will go online with purpose.

And yeah, it's a shopping opportunity that works if you're going for shoes you get shoes you don't get shoes and jacket, a scar lady and actually worked on purpose, asking yourself what am I here to do so before you start up your desktop computer.

What am I here to do. Okay to check my email I got to work on this project. You know what I should probably flip those I should probably work on the project.

First, while I'm French and then I'll go to my email that something I am still working on, you know. And then you pick up your phone. What am I here to do. I'm here to text my mother. I am here to check my grocery list. I'm here to check the weather. Then I put it down… Intentionality of there's a purpose for this used to be devices had a purpose. You went to a record player because you wanted to play a record and you went out to grab your newspaper because you wanted to read the news. It's like everything had a purpose, but now you pick up your phone and you like I can watch TV. I can play video games I could check my email. I can check into it like there too many things to do and then you waste so much time. That's why you have to get a get in the matrix and realize later that this is all set up to distract me, but I will not succumb, you know, I will go in my social media I will set a timer for 10 minutes. I will go through the feed and then I will be done for the day. You kinda have to make systems to make it work for you, Arlene, as we wrap up. I think going back to the title of your great book, calm, cool and connected. What's that quintessential one thing that people can do if they're in that panic mode about juggling school at the house and trying to make sure kids are doing well and then when I got work responsibilities or other responsibilities and it just feels like a heavy burden right now because there to your point, there's not these distinctions and these compartmentalization's for the person that's feeling stressed out.

What is your best encouragement for them. Yeah, I would reframe this time as you can frame it, like all this is awful like we are barely making it, or you can frame it like you know this is a unique period of history where our family what may never have this opportunity again for college kids to come home for adult kids to come home for me to have this time with little kids and not be working in and be home in and see them grow up. So reframe it like you know as long as were stuck here what something that we can gain and what something wonderful about this moment and then on a practical sigh when you lay your head on the pillow tonight. Ask yourself what went well today. You don't beat yourself up about everything.

There's something that went well today. What went well today.

What was a disaster today. The next day you know and I will suggest to speak the kids by you know five minutes wake up earlier than them and write down what something that could happen to I think about it like what something that would help. What was so frustrating yesterday. So what something we could change today that would address that frustrating thing and just concentrate on that. So have that mindset like this can change. This can get better I can learn my kids can adjust and look for the specific things that may be very small. That would really change the atmosphere in your home. That's great advice in early.

That's always so good to have you with us. Thank you for making the time from lovely San Diego in your beautiful home to talk to us about how to manage all these competing interests in her home right now as were sheltered in place and thank you for the great advice to do that. Let me turn to the listeners and the viewers were here to help you.

We started the program in that place and were ending at their if you need some specific help in any year of your life right now that's causing you stress. Call Focus on the Family get a hold of us. We have caring Christian counselors who can help you.

We have wonderful resources like Arlington great book and much much more. In fact, one of things we have a friend of mine Chip Brown and his family created a game called the rank game is just a way that he felt he wanted to get his family out of electronics around the table and it's a fun eye-opener about how you rank things that it's a bunch of cards that just do that but Trent, Troy, Jean and I probably have a two hour conversation when we first played their game about what their purpose was why they were ranking things the way they did. That's exactly what Chip was aiming for. So go to the website.

Check out the rank game as well to get your family out of isolation with themselves and into family discussion. It's a great idea. We do have the rank game. We have Arlene's great book, calm, cool and connected and would be posting that acrostic habit online. The link is in the episode notes or call 800 the letter a and word family and as Jim said if you're able to support the ministry. That's how we stay on the year and keep providing great resources. Your gift of any amount will mean so much and will say thank you for joining the support team by sending a copy of Arlene's terrific book, calm, cool and connected hey Arlene, I think with Your husband and your kids in the closet long enough to come out of the closet now and have some fun. Throw some just some pool balls down the staircase and I thank you for being with this. We love you and so appreciate you. Thank you so much and thanks again for joining us today and please will say one more time here serve. So if we can be of any assistance to you her number is 800 K in word family will join us again tomorrow as we have Dr. Greg and Aaron Smalley with us talking about how to reconnect with your spouse. I long to know what's going on inside. Greg and I want to share what's going on inside of me.

I personally did not get married to the stuck Internet internal business meetings with Greg talking about finances in conflict.

What I really longed for, is to know that he cares that I carry in hearing what's really going on that will not happen intentionally unless we pursue on behalf of Jim Daly in the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ