Reconnecting as a Couple During the Coronavirus Outbreak

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I want to know what's going on and I want to share what's going on inside of me. I personally did not get married to me, stuck Internet internal business meetings with Greg not talking about finances and conflict, but I'm really long for now that he cares that I carry in hearing what's really going on that will not happen intentionally unless we pursue it.

That's Aaron Smalley and she's here along with her husband, Dr. Greg Smalley this is Focus on the Family with your house, focus, president, and Dr. Jim Daly and I'm John from John the coronavirus is entered us into a whole new level of stress.

Given the fact that were sheltering in place and a lot of states that's becoming now the tipping point. We think more more people are to be able to get out of their home, but man it's been interesting to one recouped up a lot with your family. That's kind of a negative thing that not all I me I think something like 4/5 couples or families of said they've really seen the silver lining around this dark cloud, and they've enjoyed spending time together and strengthen their family. That's terrific. That's 80%, and I'm thrilled with that but at same time. Even Jean and I we gotta get our space during the day. I mean, I think because I tend to be a little more verbal than seeking more extroverted, I think I notice when I'm wearing on her. So I kindly retreat and go do things like bird cages right now. I bring up bird nests all over the back.

Just something to do and but anyway everybody's dealing with this in a variety of ways.

And today we want to help you think about what's happening in your relationship with your spouse and we've invited two great guests to talk about it and as I mentioned Dr. Greg and Aaron Smalley. Our guest today. Their colleagues here at Focus on the Family heading up our marriage ministry. They speak and write about marriage all the time in the of a brand-new book called reconnected moving from roommates to soulmates in your marriage and of course we have that check. The episode notes for the link to Greg and Aaron. It is great to have you back here at Focus on the Family in the studios is so good to be here with such a different season you were sure shelter here at home. Great to be here and you're you're working from home. Like most of the broadcasting the films team we come in we keep our distancing jobs in a different best studio etc., but we've come to The engine idling here and focus to keep content going out and I'm so grateful with your leadership on the marriage side every day.

You guys are coming into the building, well used to come in the building. Thinking about marriage okay so I confess Jean and eyes that little you know little struggles with this, but I would say the blessings far outweigh the struggles I mean Jean and I were able to pray together more in the morning read the word together. It's been really good in that way. Spiritually, I think were doing better than never but at about two 3 o'clock.

I think hey you want to go find a project to build yet. I understand you to have a couple of stories in that direction what's happening for your shelter in place experience will little area, so it was day one so all you decided on yet to be together so we we when he lived. Let's cook the family a meal and so as we started to do that.

My job was to Brown the ground beef and apparently I wasn't doing that in a way that Aaron wanted me to write the way before many times is just turning a brown cooking right clicking ground beef. Sorry Greg yeah I did learn quickly jammed that I needed to back off and give them some time together and really browning a lot when he wanted to. Okay, here's the Aaron got maybe I make in the same mistake. So how are you supposed to do ground beef. I don't know you remember how long I was letting it cook. She wanted me to start pounding it into its little pieces. Greg and I know just never heard this, Aaron. You're right okay so you both been streaming live on Facebook and doing some marriage help for folks, I think, 30, 35,000 people at times have been joining you your also hearing back from people. What are the things that you're hearing that they're experiencing. I think for a lot of people there going were just around each other all the time. Where is shield for most of us were used to going into an office were used to dealing with kids going to school me and all that kind of stuff just affect the world around each other 24 seven just creates opportunity for disagreement we we discovered new topics to argue about. Rather, it's ground beef or the big one is when I come in you if I've gone for a walk or something I'm supposed to leave my shoes out.

Otherwise, Aaron takes some spray.

I know what she sprained me with it. She starts spraying me down a lot.

The spray I probably don't know what it is.

Probably could be sick from whatever she is a natural survey sure is right on the ground beef prices that many couples are arguing one thing very rule oriented with what they interpret the limitations to be in there might be spouses a little bit more Swiss far as what these limitations are something that couples are doing about you if you go to work when you bring with you think that we've heard a lot about bringing your work life into your home life and how you integrate those two because typically, especially for guys and say this network is compartmentalized over and one side and then you come home now.

Both are together and there's little people around asking lots of questions and infiltrating biting into your workspace.

Just the constant interruptions yesterday. I'm in a meeting that I'm leading a bunch of people Mr. teleconferencing all through teleconferencing and so as I'm presenting something our youngest daughter Annis. She's 12. She walks up just oblivious that that I'm even doing anything because I don't understand my math homework I need help and I soon will I said hey let me have about half an hour left for me to finish this and welcome help you and she goes no, that doesn't work for me. Problem to have your child wants to do the homework in front of them. Let me expand on that little bit and Aaron, your mentioning this in one context, which is maybe moms working in the home rather than working outside of the home, but let's go through those scenarios where both parents are working now.

They've got to do it within the context of their house ones in the attic ones in the basement. The kids running around in between the new sandwich of life right and you're having to bounce in between these teleconference meetings and sales orders and keep in something going, whatever it might be. So you're into these complex problem-solving situations and then what Greg said you got a disconnect from that help with homework all of a sudden.

And oh by the way, everybody's gotta eat. So let's do the normal thing in the gotta be the cafeteria. I what was at school or at work, you're now the cafeteria worker. I mean how do you want to avoid that exhaustion and just juggle all of these balls.

There are many different roles that have been piercing clients via tele-therapy. I come down in between two minutes before the next one is scheduled and I need to be back at stairs down in its email questions and I'm hungry. Still some things I'm cleaning dinner and juggling a lot and I have found that it is super important that I take time for me and I step away.

I go for a walk.

I get up time in the morning and exercise and spending time with the Lord. It really is important that I continually fill so I can manage differences in my life right now and the stress as it is stressful yeah I don't know if you have found this Jean and I have fallen into this rhythm or the mornings are starting a little slower. Being in a work at home environment so were getting up having a little breakfast together were able to read the word together, pray together so the engine cut idols up by 9 o'clock. I'm really going and into my routine in the groove, but man that's not stopping. I mean, I'm looking up were having dinner and I'm doing some emails and other things and it's 8 o'clock I'm aware what happened.

Are you guys feeling that weird time thing as well for sure.

And then in and staring at the computer screen all day long isn't helping either, so there there's a fatigue factor. We just I'm so compartmentalized that I need to be able to focus, to get certain things done in even yesterday so after Annie yells at me that no, I need help now and all my colleagues are laughing watching the house he can apparent. I also in my computer I realized was that, and I'm thinking it's plugged in and I looked down, it's because our dog chewed through my computer cord hello and say hello and survive on his lap and going and it is so hard to parents point. I think that's what I've had to learn is what's a different part of the routine to look like for me so that I make sure that I've got some time to recharge. In five it's getting up at 5 AM just to be able to work out have some time by myself to where I get to make the decisions. I'm not having to do math homework at 5 AM that's been so different to figure out a new normal around routine and what's going to give me some rest and at the same time. What's going provide some life yeah you guys have just released a new book called reconnected and I would think in this coronavirus environment were talking about how to in some cases disconnect around each other so much, but will have you back at a later time to talk more in detail about this great new book that you guys have done reconnected. Sounds like the right thing and let me ask you all kidding aside, one of the issues recovers communication and even that mascara did you say to Greg when the dog chewed through the computer plug did you say Greg Kaman how did you not notice the dog was chewing on your computer in my confession did you say that you know I didn't. So maybe because I'm a trained counselor cell. Okay, first of all, she was in the attic seeing the client is not known was there. I heard the dog chewing on her toy. My computer cord that was chewing on my toy your computer course. Jim, there's an opportunity there is cranking. I was not playing at the time he came into my office at stairs and he said the dog chewed through my card and so I first meet him with compassion and really hard time with him.

I feel so sorry that and you in bed but I can move into you know I can really say what we need to do. We need to fix this numbers just meeting him with compassion, meeting him with.

How can I help you. I think that is so important as we are all quarantined together. One of things we've realized is that everybody all of us have experienced huge losses.

So for some it's been the loss of a job. The loss of income could be the loss of health. It could be the loss of a loved one where they can't be together to support each other through that right think all of us there were going to these small little losses right now and when we experience a loss. It's like a punch. It knocks us over and thus we are in patients.

We are quick to react it. So that's one of the things that probably did Aaron. I figured out really quick is that we needed to spend some time talking to each other and in asking like what what are some of these losses that you've gone through so that we could just empathize with the other people typically stuff that stuff they don't talk about it and that's why it's such an opportunity and when you talked about that silver lining. Aaron and I had such a great talks around just the different losses in the things that become an introvert so being quarantined at home. I thought I died and woke up in heaven. I mean what I don't have to see anybody or leave our house. All my goodness, but for Aaron is an extrovert.

That's a huge loss. The coffee dates and hanging out with friends, going to Bible study.

Delete is based on interacting with human beings, not through screen adjustment has an extrovert is been really granted, there has been some sweet sweet family connection as you were saying. Jim and I really really miss about this time as well that there has been many many adjustments and it's important just to recognize that the ability to really acknowledge those care for our hearts and then let letting Dragon yeah I want to turn the listener because we know that that there something like 25 million people have lost their jobs so that right there is a big loss and we have caring Christian counselors that can talk with you, give you resources and tools to help you cope with a variety of things, job loss, being one do take us up on that and John will give us details or how to contact us. You were phone call away if you'd like to talk to a counselor will set that up if you'd like to get a copy of this great book by Greg and Aaron called reconnected.

We do have that and would be happy to send a copy out to our phone number is 880 family and you can also click the link in the episode notes for Greg and Aaron, let me move to another topic, you call it bids for connection again in this context. What is that mean you know when any time our spouse or even our kids each time they ask something they request something like yesterday with with Annie mean she was frustrated with her math homework. She came down she was actually making a bid for connection underneath her bid was that I need help in, and although she didn't handle it great, it's still a bit and I had an opportunity I could made a hand motion to share sure to leave and get out or I took five seconds.

I told my colleagues to give me a few seconds here and I said hey I really do want to help you let me have 30 minutes to finish this up and I'll come up and help you.

This is the kind of thing that happens constantly throughout the day and we have a choice of what will we do so on our spouse asked for something or or makes a comment or share something how we can respond because there are several options we can acknowledge and that's really cool. Or we can resist. That's can completely turn away yeah hey Greg, you alluded to this, but I want to want to resurface that were your daughter she didn't accept your counter offer for 30 minutes to give me 30 minutes no way I can't wait that long and I'm just want to raise that up to the marriage level. If a bid for connection is made, but it's not the right time.

Like the fourth quarter of Broncos football.

How does the person receiving the bid handle that wisely and obviously with your daughter can be a little different but I would think with Erin and Aaron. You could speak to those two what happens with the rejection of your bid for connection you know anytime someone gives a bid yet we have a choice in with Annie. I told her this is what I could do. I acknowledge that she gave a bid. I hear you. I know you want help I just need 30 minutes in the same with Erin.

If Aaron walks in and I'm in the middle of something. Even the fourth quarter of a Broncos game can always say hey I hear you just give me 10 minutes and this is can be done in and I will come find you were responding to it. I mean she's reached out I'm saying I hear you. This is what could work in the we can go from there. There's also a moment that when I can handle it well here to get annoyed and make a snarky comment that happens and you recognize that's what I did.

I encourage my couples to do and just well that wasn't right with my DD. Can we try that again. I want you to know I care and I want to hear from you revisiting them in all this is kind of wrapper in the communication issue you mention four key conversations. Couples should mention I think this is a good take away right at the end hear one of the four and highlight a couple of yet. Some of the conversations is just naturally occur. One is what we call small talk versus hey how's the weather where you got going on today so we we have to do that. We just were work and have sort of the small talk and what it does is it creates a small connection without sort of a deeper emotional vulnerability and then there's work time we got a look at schedules and he's doing well and you know dealing with tourers and on and on top again happens naturally and often we spend a lot of time there because were trying to navigate life together.

Yeah, we have to talk to problems so one is just problem talk and we got to do with conflicts that come up and you know the dog to my cord and now I'm mad and so will have to work to that but tell you the thing that we've learned is small talk, work talk in problem talk, this will all happen naturally. We just got a deal with that stuff. There's one though they can make such a big difference in our marriage. It will never happen on its own.

We have to be intentional hard time talking at that deeper inner life level were really connecting heart to heart, because I know for me personally, something I long for I long to know what's going on inside. Greg and I want to share what's going on inside of me. I personally did not get married to the stack Internet internal business meeting with Greg talking about finances in conflict when I really longed for, is to know that he cares that I care and hearing what's really going on that will not happen intentionally unless we pursue it. Yeah what I want to do their is. I asked her one time. So if I'm to find out more about how you're feeling and what are you dreaming about what you fearful about.

I need to like what what I ask you is there some questions that I could ask him instantly. She goes for.

I went well will think about it for second law she goes.

I'll come up with 10 you want it.

I think about it like I can handle for. This is made such a big difference for us. She said asked me how are you doing emotionally asked me how things are going between me and the kids not from a business standpoint, relationally, are things going between me and the kids. As I said, is an extrovert. Friendships are so important. Her so she said asked me how are things going between me and my friends and then asked me what's one thing the gods been teaching me lately and so I have memorize those so we were maybe at the dinner table when were you know driving.

Someday when we get to go back to a restaurants or go to a theater you on the drive mean those are the opportunities where I can ask for those because it's all about staying current. Aaron is constantly changing and if I'm not pursuing her just to find out what what's really going on on the inside.

I may miss something something might be going on that that I'm not aware of my favorite group journey member. The old group journey they they have a song called faithfully in their they use the words I get the joy of rediscovering you and that's the goal that I want to rediscover Aaron over and over and over and the only way that can happen is if I intentionally ask your client.

Those kinds of questions. Let me guess maybe the hard question. Why is it within marriage that we tend to trigger each other so easily were kind of tolerant of people outside that intimate relationship and will take a few blows, that's okay. That's just how George acts are you know is just what Susie does, but when it comes to this relationship. Husband and wife we we tend to have very short fuses. We light off quickly when were triggered with our spouse. I guess that is the question why are we so temperamental with the closest relationship we have on this earth you sing me the reason that it is the closest relationship we have on this side of heaven and its vulnerable there's a lot at risk. What if I'm rejected, there's much more there and that's at risk with a coworker or friend, you know, we can get grace there but looking at this impacts me more. This is vulnerable. This can hurt me more and so it's recognizing that we do have the opportunity to get grace here as well and were much more likely to get grace outside the home, especially in the season, Jim. It's so important that we utilize giving grace but were only getting get grace from a place of fullness and from God's grace is given to so it's important that we are connecting with each and every day knowing that our spouse will more than likely push our buttons because at this level of connection is a high probability you will know how to ground beef source by then. Recognizing control of me and I can choose how I react to that or I step back and then I can give an openhearted response to that I get to choose in the communication coming together really talking heart-to-heart about what went on key know I really appreciate that and I think you know that's where a lot of people live.

We don't extend grace to the person that's the closest to us like were Jesus said love your neighbor will guess what, in this context, particularly with the sheltering employees your neighbor as your spouse libraries). Yeah, that's so good and there is there so much here and I'm looking forward to coming back and talking more about reconnected. Maybe in a different context. Another coronavirus context and that really let me turn the listeners. This is good stuff. One thing I'd like to do. John is go ahead and post those for discussion topics online.

So if you want to see those again go to the website to get that and I didn't get to this question, but I would assume the answer from Greg and Erin would be what's you know one thing a couple could do today to change that trajectory. It's go to those for discussion points and then put them into practice and that will begin to change that relationship and your outcome and also that extension of grace to the one you love so Greg and Aaron, thank you so very much for being with us. We so appreciated you guys are so gifted and you're doing a wonderful job here Focus on the Family helping marriages in this country and literally around the world. Thank you thank you thank you and will encourage you to get in touch with us so you can look for those four topics for every marriage to really consider having a regular basis along with the full book by Greg and Aaron Smalley called reconnected mentioned earlier, we'd be happy to set up a time for you to talk to a counselor if you really struggling and kind of in a dead-end spot and not sure how to restore the relationship to what was all of this available online. We've got the link in the episode notes or at the bottom of your screen or call one 800 the letter a in the word family and John as we do so often. If folks can help us here and do ministry with us by giving a gift of any amount will send you a copy of Greg and Aaron's great book reconnected as our way of saying thank you.

I know it's easy to push one button on your computer specially been sheltered in home but those proceeds don't go to help keep marriages together save a baby's life and do the great things that were doing together here at focus. So think about that and if you can afford it will trust that others will cover the cost of that. If your marriage needs that help polish reach out to us will give you the book to help your marriage would help and were a phone call away.

It's 800 the letter a in the word family donate and get the resources you need when you call 800 K in the word family were at our website coming up tomorrow talking with Dr. Norm right just before his can help families like yours navigate grief and loss during this coronavirus. Part of the problem. We like the fields that were in control of our life. We can handle everything.

Very dramatic way. Recently it doesn't work like that on Jim Daly and the entire team.

Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller and running back as we once again help you and your family thrive