Creative Date Ideas for You and Your Spouse

With all that's happening in the world you may be looking for ways to both entertain and encourage your family.

We like to help you do just that by giving you a four week free trial of the adventures in Odyssey club you can find our catalog of nearly 900 adventures in Odyssey programs. These exciting episodes are a great way to keep your family connected to God's truth as you navigate through significant and unexpected changes to your normal day-to-day life. So go to a I/O club.org and get started on your free trial of the adventures in Odyssey club. It's okay to take care of yourselves.

It's okay to take care of your relationship because we want our kids to know that marriage is a priority in marriage is important and well they are. Kids are so important in our household.

So much of the families peace and joy and purpose is going to come from the two adults who are there is that home orders are start to organize your life. Your spouse is probably the last thing I but it might be just what you need. That was Catholic today on Focus on the Family. She's going to help you find creative ways to prioritize your marriage, your hostess focus president and author Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller, John. I'm so looking forward to getting The end of this conversation, she uplifts everybody because she has a vivacious spirit is bubbly and I can't wait to talk to her at one study found that married couples who had a regular date night at least once a week are three times more likely to describe the relationship is very happy there is evidence right there.

You always looking for a silver bullet will there's one spend time together good time together not arguing talking about budget or those kinds of things but just have a regular date night does have to be even outside the house.

She can do within the house, but that is one way to secure the fact that you'll have a much happier marriage than that. I think that's great it is. I think probably a lot of our listeners are feeling like are you kidding me date night. Given these circumstances, we can't afford to date night or we can afford to make the time for the date night we been juggling so much weight night isn't even on my mind.

I mean that's that's a tough spot for some people. Okay here and act like your brother John. No more excuses just read Ecclesiastes 99 which says enjoy life with your wife whom you love all the days of your life and I would say, parenthetically, make sure you have a date that would be awesome that you're going to hear from Kathy today why this and many other things are so important in our relationship with our spouses yet. Kathy is very popular author and speaker and very good friend of ours here at Focus on the Family. She's written a number of books to be really zeroing in on one called happy habits for every couple 21 days to a better relationship. And of course we have that would be happy to send it to you check the episode notes for more Kathy welcome back. As always it's good to see you and good to hear from you. Jim and I feel like were in the studio together so that makes me super happy. It's good to see your face as well. The team is been wise enough, smart enough to be able to put a monitor right in front of me so I can actually look at the camera, but also see you out of the corner of my eyes so it's wonderful that I can see, I do feel like the studio with you that super call Brad so good to have you. Let me ask you, have a good story I think is right in the beginning of the book about Whitewater rafting and I want to get into that I want to jump in his excuse the what happened. That gave you such insight when it came to Whitewater rafting well so I have two amazing step kids Amanda and Jeremy and they were on. They were leading a Whitewater rafting trip and when I mean that Amanda works for a childcare center and they were doing a trip for an afterschool program and said they were going down the Russian River in Sacramento been on quite the river. It can run and they were with the paid guy and I guess part of the fun of a Whitewater rafting trip is the paid guide will get to a point where they throw everybody else out of the raft except for the paid guide because he knows how to stay in the raft, so they are my kids are with all these 10-year-olds and Amanda Jeremy started putting people give these kids into the raft and the guide said no you have to stop Amanda Jeremy your the adult you have to get the raft first and then you can pull up all these kids because if you spend all your energy pushing wet dripping kids into the raft. You're not can have the upper body strength to get yourselves into the raft.

You have to get into the raft first and I love the illustration for parents because of course we are all concerned. There are so many people who became instant homeschoolers overnight. There are so many people who either were working full time and are still working full time, but now also have their kids full-time and of course so much of our energy has to go to those kids. But here's what I know one of the things your kids are going to remember this is not to put guilt on anybody. This is to free you up to say it's okay to take care of yourselves.

It's okay to take care of your relationship because we want our kids to know that marriage is a priority in marriage is important and well kids are so important in our household. So much of the families peace and joy and purpose is going to come from the two adults who were there. I like that. I mean, I've always you know it. Marriage centric home is really the healthiest moment kids are there for a while, but they will be there forever and that sometimes I remember saying to Jean, I've got to remember that because I can ignore the relationship with Jean and then concentrate too much on the relationship with the kids. But that's a good reminder listening when it comes to marriage in the book you you discuss something about the and of marriage to concentrate on the and of marriage. What is that okay so you know life right now is hard. Can we just all agree this is not what anybody expected.

I me. I want a book on being prepared for disaster that does not mention pandemic yeah yeah it's just like this was so out of left field. It's a really hard time people have lost their jobs. People are sick kids cannot go out to the park and play and and this can be a really amazing time for different aspects and different relationships in your home, so putting us all in a pressure cooker of the house.

Is it naturally the way to a closer place in our relationships, but if were purposeful.

We can take that and say this is a really really hard circumstance, and God is still in control and we can still make something beautiful out of it and we can recommit to different portions of our relationships. Maybe it's with the kit.

Maybe it's with our spouse and say there's an and here that we can make really really beautiful in our time together yeah and you know what the listeners to know were here for them here at Focus on the Family we have great Christian counselors who were making phone calls from their homes and if you talk to somebody were open and we have wonderful relationship services folks who are answering the phones to say how can we help you and will get resources to you will do what we can to answer questions.

It doesn't have to be just about Kathy's wonderful book, happy habits, but were here and John you can tell folks how to get a hold of us. Phone number is 800 K in the word family or would get the link at the bottom of your screen or in the episode notes Kathy one thing I learned as a boy and we were, you know, we were poor, that's true.

I was with you know my mom is a single-parent mom most my elementary school years in we didn't have a lot birthdays. Sometimes we just didn't get anything she can't bake us a cake and that was just our reality. It never. I was never sad about that, though somehow my mom found a way to always keep me and my siblings encouraged with things that she would do notes she would ride her presence was a present to me and in that same context. One thing that she did so well was use humor humor such a wonderful outlet for stress. You know when things are going well.

If you can kind of lighten the load simply by laughing a bit more about the circumstances.

I know that's hard but it was an experience that I had you and Roger been trying to deal with this shelter in place thing with a couple of funny approaches what it what you doing well you know I and I love your mom's spirit and I think so much of that is choosing what is our attitude going to be because I have been in that position as a single mom where I have been able to buy my child, the birthday present that they wanted or even the birthday present they need and so there's so much in that focus of our attitude so we spent trying to learn new things. Like I learned how to cut my husband's hair did what I had my husband's hair. I also learned that there's a difference between a one and a seven on the blade but I learned a little too late. I I've also come to find out when you use the one you have to cut his hair is often there is a blessing and all of that is the customer get any input into this haircutting. You know what he was. Here's the thing. He was just happy to not look like a hippie anymore. I that hair cut beef or get it before shelter in place right now we are getting pretty desperate, but also he has learned to dye my hair and so this makes it so it's easier for us to look at each other week.

We've opened up say lip to each other and we were learning to do these things. Also, my husband is a great barbecue or but we like I said were sheltering in place of my mom's.

My mom doesn't have a grill so we ordered a little tiny hibachi and we have our hamburger nights and I can I just tell you how much fun that it brings back a little bit of my husband that was pre-shelter in place because it just it's fun for him. We also were watching movies that we haven't watched in years.

You good familiar movies that make us super super happy. And the thing that were doing. That's really fun is were doing a game night once a week with all of her adult kit. So we get onto a game site and that we open up resume conference call and you know it's just like a regular game night there all eating food.

There are death threats there going back and forth because we stole some of these cards and we are finding new ways to have fun in a time when you know options are limited. But there's so many things we can do at home to make it to make just times and items were special like you guys have been working on your backyard. I is that I have been doing a lot of backyard work and yesterday Deena came in and said I think I over did it like that.

I think we are overdoing that's a way to get out of it I love it so these are things that we would not have maybe found time for before, but now we get to do things that will just are so special to our spouse that maybe would've been hard to fit in before with our time and work and things like that. I just love that either we can focus on these little delightful things within the four walls of our house yet. It's so good I know one of things you and Roger been you picked out your your coming out outfit right to have Hawaiian shirt. Okay this. It's a Tiki sure he will want to know this and this was so not my idea where on the first day back in society. I said I have literally given this zero thought, yeah, and he said yeah I so he showed me a couple shirts and I kid you not like one of the shirts look like a pattern that McDonald's had on their upholstery 90s like I will not leave the house with you with that but he found a Tiki shirt so I have to find out what my Tiki sure equivalences. Here is what I love about that to be able to dream about the future and maybe it's just a shirt or maybe it's the first place you're going to go when it's safe for you to do that one of the things that Roger and I've had throughout our marriage is we've always said we want to keep a ticket on the refrigerator and what that means is we always want to have something to look forward to. So like right now our ticket on the refrigerator is not for a few years. It's for 2022 right now because that's when we have a special birthday that's coming up that were to be celebrated but were starting to dream and plan about that vacation and it's fun to do.

It gives us something to that were both excited about and we can both focus on hate bringing it all the way back to kind of the idea of this date night and again for those joining us. Maybe the way the statistics show that our marriages are three times happier or will be three times happier than the others who don't do a date night. If we do a date night and that so that's the encouragement here, but speak to that environment where The money is tight you are so good you like the Guru of tight money.

So what attitudinal he, you know, do we have to get her head around to soak. It doesn't have to be a night at the Ritz.

It can be something much simpler because it's about connecting right so when we think like we have no money.

That idea is a deprivation mindset and I want us to think about an abundance mindset so maybe I'll have a lot of money right now have more time than I did before so I can bake bread or I can do something special to add to tonight's dinner, or even the best of times we would do $20 date nights like what is the most fun we can have on $20 and sent to think about it that way. So could you do a movie night where you're just you watching something if you already have Netflix or something like that. Or maybe you download a movie that you actually pay for but you can create pizzas at home or something like that so it's it's a challenge, but also what it does when you up your creativity when you up your purposefulness and saying I'm going to be intentional about blessing my husband because man he is just craving his hamburger from his favorite place what I'm going to go online and find the duplicate recipe or when your wife says you know I'm just so sad because I don't have flour to bake with right now in your online and your finding that flower in your say okay working to have a date night where you know you're going to be the Fred Baker and I'm to be your sous chef or I'll just clean up whatever you need for me but to be intentional about bringing comity into your life bringing music into your life, whether things that Roger and I love to do is when were cooking will put on James Taylor or something that it be music just happy music and to bring that attitude back into be intentional about it and this is what I always say go with the person strengths you know if your husband is taking care of the finances during all this, and you hate the finances. I'm only saying this because that's my light. Thank him are think you should be three times what they have been in the past.

Right now because everything is harder. Banking is harder groceries is harder cooking is harder everything is harder so let's give a lot of appreciation and a lot of laughter in our households and bring that and in any way. You know how you know your spouse better than anyone. You're the expert on your spouse why this is such a great time to think about how to do it. The date night in an inexpensive way. Fact John was post. I think Kathy you have 20 great ideas under $20. So will post the website so people can take a look at it but more importantly, get a copy of Kathy's book I Kathy, let me ask you though. I'm intrigued by your advice to treat our marriages like an online church service. What you mean by that. I know you know there's so many church services going on right now that are being filmed in Pastor's basement said that out with the empty sanctuary. All these things, you know, the pastor is doing. The sermon, and there are places for you to laugh. There are places for you to clap their places for you to say amen and when we are in church.

We may do that more easily because the pastor can hear us and so my analogy for this is sometimes in our marriage. We are not getting the responses we need you. Think about that pastor who's preaching to himself and a camera in the basement getting yeah exactly exactly. It's so hard to do and not getting any responses, and sometimes in our marriage we feel like we are getting absolutely no response. But here's what I want to do anyway. I want you to go that extra extra little bit to say I'm going to try just a little bit harder under the try to connect and if I don't get a connection. I'm still going to treat this marriage with integrity. I'm still gonna show up for my spouse, you both Roger and I have gone through different points in the shelter in place where it's just been hard just to be honest with you we've had down days, you know, we've missed important things that were important to us. We've miscommunicated sometimes and it's just an opportunity to say I have to go.

Just that little bit extra. And even if I'm not getting a kind response.

I'm still gonna show up and be kind. I'm still gonna show up and serve and that is not in the way to be a doormat is to say, I can change my attitude by how I treat the people I'm living with right now and I want you to have good boundaries. I want you to be in a healthy relationship, but we can always respond and we can always start with kind I really wanted to punch that point because I think with a lot of the programming were doing right now most of our guests like you are mentioning this need for kindness that is so true, and especially I think temperamentally how your wired plays into this I mean I can be kind of sarcastic and snarky in times I finally I find myself, you know, purposefully pulling back from that.

I kind of see that is kind of fun and teasing and playful. You know, sometimes Jean does not see it is fun and playful and unite. I've got a mentally say whoa pull that back. Don't go there. Don't say that. Funny thing, and you know I just try to be mindful, but that's what you're getting it right. Well, you know, it was like the time when Roger was joking about. Oh I wasn't paying attention to the shopping list because he put one thing on there and I'm like heavy going on in the country right now. Do you know what store shelves look like he was just trying to be funny and cute. On a normal day. It would've been fine and I'm feeling like a warrior trying to get our groceries is a little bit extra sensitive right now and get some were just pulling back and saying you know what that extra measure of grace.

The thing that may have made us upset before today's the day to let it go and just to go that extra mile to say how can I support you today.

So Roger has asked me that 100 times as we been living with my mom yet.

Is there a way I can support you while were here and I've asked him that with his mom living so far away and you do it just builds this rage of love and care to feel like you are extra supportive during a really tough time and I think that that is what you know when God talks about going as far as you can in a relationship that that's an example of to go as far as you can go to be at peace is really good and Kathy, as were winding up. I do want to cover one other concept that you had which was comfortable, love, and I think it winds up very nicely with what were talking about you describe it in happy habits is theirs, to Insta this comfortable love once more, destructive word you get so comfortable you're not doing the things that you should do and the other end is truly what you're describing with you and Roger that you get into kind of a good nurturing comfortableness that your your good in your own skin and your good in the skin of your marriage. If I can put it that way. Describe what so I think Roger and I have been in all the places we've been in the place where we were blending a family and we looked at each other. After six months of marriage and said we made the biggest mistake of our lives and in that place. We have been in the place where we been in severe financial crisis we been in all those places, but we have also been in the place where the kids of all laughed and it was very easy to kinda live our separate lives and there was a comfortableness to this and really that place of not trying too hard and what we realized is we missed the best versions of each other and so one of the questions we ask ourselves very often right now is are we ask each other is what could you use for me right now. It's such a nonthreatening question and it can open up such a great dialogue, and to be able to save from Roger in the wet right now from you work, it's really hard. Is there a way that you could take over like making lunch this week that would just serve me so well or you know what here's what I need from you like Mother's Day is coming up and I've been feeling a little insecure about that can teach us make sure that each of the kids calls me on that day.

I know that that sounds like such a weird thing to ask, but sometimes you are ours are's partner can't read our minds and know those deep dark places where were hurting right now and to be able to think about it in advance and people will often say that they should know that the only way they can know that is if they are you know is be able to see that in a nonthreatening way. What could you use for me right now is such as servant attitude but also such a loving and it opens you up to having great communication, your marriage, Kathy. I think a good place that in the not so appreciate that. I'm thinking of the woman who discounts the husband that does have to ask. I just be patient with us husbands because we don't were not were so compartmentalized were not always thinking outside of our little box, but help us in that regard, but finally I do want to, as this. I think perhaps the best question I could ask you through the whole half hour here and that's for the couple that when they get together they'll say something like we have anything to talk about me. We just were lost in our togetherness because it's become so mundane that we don't even know what questions are what interest to express to each other.

What will you say to that couple to cut a spark that again and don't take being complacent as the end of the road for your marriage.

Could you spend five minutes dreaming together just dreaming about what you would like your marriage to look like what you would like your family to look like what look like when maybe some of these restrictions are lifted and you can go on a date again or you can go on a trip again, even if it's just overnight and when you start to dream together.

You can start to align what it is that you want for yourself and for each other and dreaming calls out the best in each person, and that's what I want for your marriage. I want your absolute best for your marriage and giving yourself, you know, not looking at what was just said or what was done, but looking forward into what God can do with the two people who were willing to try. It's really a beautiful thing Kathy. This is been so good. I'm smiling because I'm thinking of you and Roger coming out on the first day in California you can go to In-N-Out Burger or whatever you think my animal style yet is Roger and his Tiki sure you add something and you would have to come up with my own and John you and Dana to I guess, but it is been so good to have you on as always, let me turn to the listener.

If you're looking for starting line in your journey to improve your marriage.

Let's start right here.

These are real basic things that Kathy is getting at, but these are the foundational building blocks that can make your marriage so much more joyful and so much more rewarding and I would really encourage you to get a copy of her book happy habits and of course we have it here Focus on the Family and let me just remind you I know you can go to your prime account and one click it. But if you do that through focus. If you get the resource those dollars.

They don't go to shareholders they go right back into saving marriages, helping parents parent better saving babies lives in me.

When you purchase that product or focus. That's where the prophet goes and were so grateful to Kathy for providing a great resource and tool for your marriage you we are and I want to let you know that if you're able to give a gift of any amount to Focus on the Family today we'd like to say thank you for joining the support team by sending a copy of happy habits for every couple 21 days to a better relationship donate and get your copy of the book when you call 800 K in the work-family or would cut the link at bottom of your screen or in the episode next time will have John Stonestreet offering thoughts about helping your child develop biblical worldview so all of these concepts. Fundamentally, we've got to get to the heart of how words are used, how ideas are seeping into our minds and teaching kids to be thoughtful about it and I can do it in a loving way. It's not being a jerk to say it is kind of like you to the Princess bride, you keep using that word.

I do not think it means what you think it me and what a great way to teach ideas the kids have of Jim Daly and the entire team.

Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once again have you and your family thrive in Christ