Setting Boundaries When Young Adults Return Home

When you say here so we are picture of the house how it functions, time, money, schedule, cleanup, cooking chores and the adult child was there is out there you just say okay we can we give an egg becomes a very nice negotiation. That's Dr. John Townsend and he offers hope for some of the challenges of having an adult son or daughter move in and live with you, perhaps unexpectedly flood event happening these days with the pandemic of this is Focus on the Family with your host Jim Daly I'm John Fuller and today would be talking about that situation is try to navigate more people in your home and less freedom to deal with it all, less freedom, I love it John it's so true. This crisis is led to some real challenges that have come on suddenly and unexpectedly at me.

We haven't planned this and all of a sudden you get the phone call from your college or vocational young adult saying hey mom dad I'm in some trouble. Can I come back to the house till this thing clears up in a course were saying yes because this is so odd. And, as such a unique environment for everyone in it. We've experienced that with Trent. Trent came back from his first year college, she's about 30 miles from us but it was great to have them back and we had their little challenges, but really nothing big and more and more people are experiencing that I think John you had some of that to write we had and we had revolving door. They all seem to come back Friday season and it's never bad, but when we talk about some things about how you should deal with this because it is it can be difficult at times and just yeah yeah we got Dr. John Townsend who was a clinical psychologist of marriage and family therapist. He's an author a business consultant. He does a lot of stuff and is the founder of the Townsend Institute for leadership in counseling. He and Dr. Henry cloud written a terrific book called boundaries. I went to say yes how to say no to take control of your life and it's can have a ton of application to our conversation today.

Why think most importantly, he is a good friend and it's wonderful to welcome Dr. John Townsend John, welcome back to focus. Glad to hear guys. I think it's been over a dozen times that you've been on Focus on the Family somewhere around there so we've had the such great conversations over the years. Now I think a bunch of people just either turn the YouTube up or turn the radio up there You can give me some handle on developing boundaries for my young adults who I've now lived with for the last 6 to 8 weeks you are driving me crazy to see John well this secret is your also driving them crazy Jim so is a two-way street on the set. So true when you look at this guy you have to realize the first thing is that because of what's happened. Like you said, there are losing jobs and they can be in school and the coming back as adults facing what we have happening is a reversal, a temporary reversal of God's entire created order, because when you look at Genesis 2.

Is this what you know you noble when you get old enough to get out there and be autonomous. You leave and cleave on your own mate and social system, career and passion.

All of a sudden the brakes on that stuff and somebody who had the strength to get out there find their way find their own in a way that expressed passionate interest many I got a come back to my book around, you know, in my bunk bed with my little brother and thought about and so the reversal of the created order creates attention in itself. Yeah, you know, I will share the story with Trent because it just happened last night Jean and I gave him a big because he went back to his apartment last night and that you we were very sincere with it because it has been an incredible time for us. I know that's not true for everybody in, and we want to get to those hard things, but I think in many ways, even with the pebbles that were in the path you know not rinsing on your cereal bowl, which has me crazy when the Wheaties get caked onto the side of the ball but you know this silly little things like that but you know last night hugging him and just saying it is been so great to have you here the last 6 to 8 weeks. It's been so much fun playing board games and just relating to each other in a different way and I think we did a fairly good job of backing off. We didn't have a lot of rules we didn't reimpose a curfew or anything like that and he know he did a lot of independent thanks but here's the blessing, and every mom is going appreciate this so yesterday we Jean and I around the house for a few hours he went through. He cleaned the bed and bathroom that he had used.

He did the linens he did all made the bed filled the birdfeeder out in the backyard water the lawns for me, all within about four hours and I didn't know until you know he had left after hugging him because he was driving out as we are driving in and that it was probably the best gift he could've given Jean for sure she was just so like that was awesome. It all worked like everything we taught them is finally son Kenny put it all together for the first really blessed and that was a great ending to our shelter in place experience with him will think about what just happened with Trent guys.

It wasn't at all the sudden he got his act together really is because all of those years of what the Bible calls the admonishment and nurturance of the Lord, that you guys did is paid off and he was probably doing a lot of those things in his own apartment, but those you are investing investing investing and now what he showing you is thank you, it worked. I got a minute I got it.

He's been telling us that, but were not always believing it well, but will don't drop buys apartment surprising, but it's just that's a good thing it is, it John it's this thing that you and Dr. McLeod talk about its letting go and I think in the Christian community, particularly it's hard for us as moms and dads that we've established a lot of boundaries a lot of rules, you know, go to church on Sunday course, we tell the truth. We want to know how you're doing in heaven forbid something should go wrong like drug addiction or alcohol addiction.

But Christian parenting puts a lot of demands on kids. And yes, you gotta be able at some point to say it's yours you do even within the confines you know when you look at the research. Most of what I study now is neuroscience because it basically affirms the Bible is true. All the great studies about relationship and challenge resilience. A family is a basic side. God had it right the first time all things he does it when you see it, it comes down especially in this crisis with the kids coming home to things that every parents gotta grapple with. The first is relationship and the second structure and him more mature your your little child is less structure you need.

You said we can show genuine well we didn't have a whole lot about rules that means to transmit your that he's internalized the structure so you do not have to provide the external structure have an adult child that doesn't have a lot of structure may be there impulsive and not organized may be immature then relationship is still there but structure has to increase but you know John, what's so hard in again I'll use my own experience, and you know we've had our issues. I don't want people to Jim Daly. Of course everything went well, we've had struggles to and that's why the focus is here. Listen we want to help you in your parenting journey. Of course, and we had to rely on the that help as well and but at the same time, there is this dynamic where probably when he was a junior late in his junior year and we talk to a counselor and we talk to them about how do we let go and it was hard for Jean, particularly, but me to and how we open our hand up and not ride him all the time and I'm telling John and I love your opinion about this.

I mean like as soon as we did that, he turned toward us and began to exhibit far better behavior and it really was amazing, but that's kinda what you guys talk about right absolute war that we talk about in boundaries a lot is that the scariest thing. Like I wrote a book called boundaries with teens talking about that passage of life and what you got. Have you gotta start with love, then you gotta say, here's the truth here's our ground rules and then you gotta give freedom to break the ground rules in the gotta have consequences if you break that weld all those for scariest one for Christian parents guess what it's free claimant.

You might do something wrong, you might act out and you say yeah, now you don't say to a three-year-old go play contracting to have freedom.

The silly you got save your child, but a certain age where you got to allow that child to break the boundaries to experience the consequences of breaking them follow through with reasonable boundaries and then they learn and if they never had that freedom to sort of push against the rules. They become what we called in psychology and over compliant child grows up and blows up later in life right and that's not what you're aiming for.

You certainly don't want that lets you down some basics John. How do we improve communications with our adult returning almost launched a young person. What are some things in the communication area that we can make sure that they're perceiving our relationship is different. It's not the same. There is something good and different about how mom and dad are communicating with me.

Yeah, this is on the hardwood of Christian parents and stomach.

This is a really really work. You sit down soon as you hear that show horse. I guess it seemed the show now both of the about seeing and hearing experience to show you call a meeting with your adult tickets and state guys.

I just learned something. I'm retiring as a parent, I'm no longer parent got maybe a parent for a season and I'll always be your mental and love you and support everything you do as a parent terms of having been your source of life and making decisions and being your Mason number one support system and all that I want to be that older friend that you got history with yet is my house in charge of it, but I want to be here to you in older peer and love you but I'm not taking authority over you that's that's done because you left home and I'm so proud of you and that we got an arrangement but I don't want to hear you anymore.

What I just it's hard it's hard silly child does not seem to have a harvest in the top of the adult child goes what you say. Yeah, I'm not going to tell you about curving. I do have rules about the Wheaties you can't do this and you can't spend money again did bad habit because of my house. Just because your tenant, your border, but I'm not. Just like when you left home. I did check on you twice a week and text USA. Did you go to do your job did you wash your socks.

I want to treated the same way here.

I've got house rules, but I'm not functioning as your guide it all the way through life anymore and they love it and they got right and just like print the I can make decisions because the right for me. I can make decision because I'm a grunt in my getting respected here and they turn out now. If they fail that they start doing bad things. You gotta say we got asked rules here, guys, but I always start with that freedom right that's good stuff, some practical advice from Dr. John Townsend on today's episode of Focus on the Family with euros Jim Daly but we do have copies of this terrific book boundaries when to say yes how to say no to take control of your life to look for that online or give us a call our number is 800 K in the word family, John. I'm kind of running through my checklist. Or so we got communication down. I think we cover that one really well.

The other one is how to respect their autonomy when they come home. That's the hardwood you know they probably rightfully want to have some boundaries to write.

I'm an adult.

I'm 20 something, although I'm in a bad spot thank you mom and dad for being a great backstop still means a boundaries are how do we as the parents respect that autonomy that rightfully they should have as adults are calling cards on the table. Jim make a menu welcome if they been in for six months you just say I'm gonna pay would never have we never had a formal talk about our arrangements I want to happen so either right when the coming enter and want to do, pivot here and he put the cars in the table. He and his lack of corporate meeting you say, here's the way I want had found a look love people. Being a team people having freedom people being able to come and go within the confines and jam are Sally what you want you they put their car to the table and you'll find most of them will say they kinda want the same things you I need my space by myself. You're not to come check my room. No check your and all this and so what they mainly say is I won't.

Freedom of time I won't.

Freedom of being alone when I need to live on. I also want to be with you guys so the house works out okay to have meals together and I think that you shared most of your meals together in the semi's got some Graybar shift job or whatever when you say here so we are picture of the house how it functions, time, money, schedule, cleanup, cooking chores and the adult child was theirs out there and you just say okay what can we give and take becomes a very nice negotiation that is good. John Turner and John Fuller housing on the near that's one thing we found out that when asked John about this one thing we found out is that formal talk. Sometimes we had it and other times we haven't and I've even written up some kind of understanding you documents of mutual understanding and were all in my head or on my page of paper we never had the conversation so it's pretty awkward after several months, to say you know we didn't ever talk about how long you could stay or about or any of that about the pet blowing it well that we had one daughter moved back home with the dog and Sir like okay I now have two dogs. I really didn't want to.

I just wanted my dog and then another daughter who got a dog given to her and she's like, please. It's like well I can't say no use so gallery dogs are three dogs and we had a Robo vac incident is just unpleasant. So how do you get back into those conversations that never happened. John and I want to have a reality TV can rate your house is the best entertainment I can imagine that's pretty funny but yeah I guess that's a great point when the kids are moving back home.

You know they've got baggage so to speak for the lovers. I mean, it's not seen that way, but yeah they got their own responsibilities. Like an animal that there to bring home the sound so trivial, but it can become a real problem. First off John in terms of your well I had in my head my paper and talk about it is not weird to say now I gotta talk about, I would just own it is apparent say living organically here. We love each other but you know there's also structure and structure. Just as important as relationship almost as important relationships. Secondly, have a family meeting must send the kids a good yeah because data got a gripe about you. Your micromanagement so you know you get it out on the table and and reasonable people that love each other, work out the problem and so what I would do is say okay little bit late on this but let's do and you'll find in the Congo is kinda nice to have clarity when you look at neuroscience guys. The brain loves clarity and love to know where the hooks are and when we don't have a because we think love for the beetle say love is all you need. Note sorry John Paul is not only that, you also need structure and people relaxing under some basic house rules are not really obsessive control, rigid house rules, but their house rules and am comfortable with. We need structure that's good. Yeah, I think another aspect that were dealing with is just kind of the space is invaded week, we had almost an emptiness situation and now we don't anymore. We love having our kids with us, but there are these little minor irritations both ways and we feel hours. Of course, about as Jim was saying the dishwasher not being loaded with the dishes not being there take care of those are small things, but they start to add up. So what's some godly data for parents who are holding on to the little things because you know what it's my house, but it is true. Not the main way it's really true, and there need to be respect and were not helping our adult kids by not having them talking about enforcing house when not happen then when they go back to God's created order by thinking that they can treat other people's things like that. So we gotta help them stay adults just for their own lives and job searches. So what I always say is when you start to notice the little things you have to increase the frequency of your meetings yeah most companies have a thing called like the daily check-in thereby gets an intercom. I'm sure Jim does okay, here's our 10 minute how's it going and beginning a day or in the day. Nobody says all this work right of you squeeze the toothpaste out of what's the other thing rolling it and and so you what you do you increase the number of meetings five-minute 10 minute family meeting and here's the beauty of that guys. It keeps it with the misdemeanors before the misdemeanors become Bellamy's emotional felony.

It nips them in the butt, but that is a really good word picture thought about that. Hey John, the practical idea here we go about setting boundaries. If we in this cuts to my heart because I tend to be a little less boundary oriented like to figure it out, and this can be an issue between Jean and I because she's more structured than I am. And that's a good thing and it shows you how to people coming together complete each other. Sometimes you want to go after each other because of that, but in that context. How do you go about recognizing boundary setting boundaries were maybe you've been pretty lax even yeah and every parents got a country this out on their own.

What's called the dyad between the mom and dad, but comes down to couple things. One is the severity of the thing. How big is it. I mean if the starlight their voices to loud. While this is you talk about is not severe if somebody's like you know smoking though well know that severe. So is this level severity of the second thing is it's the repetition of a one time thing. I don't bring things at one time because proverb says it's a glory to a person overlook an offense. It doesn't say it's a glory to a person overlook a pattern. No pattern in my book is three times or more. So this thing that's irritating and kinda like not showing respect for the house is severe enough to talk about and it happened three times or more. The third thing is, how does it impact the flow of life is impact people of the people send it doesn't bother me now was then maybe mom or dad's a little oversensitive and you work it out there like us.

Yeah the sloppiness and or the attitude or the disrespect. It impacts love it impact functioning those of the three criteria that you got a space time rebound yeah you talking a couple million people right now severe the counselor if you're that parent in that spot, and you have this tension occurring.

What are some ways for that parent to maintain their sanity know were somebody will consider all God's teenagers right so that context. Where do we find an oasis so that in this environment where we have our adult kids back at home for some period of time while the shelter in place is going on. Where do we find and what mechanism do we deploy to get her own sanity, I have a little checklist of five ways to stay saying that I've been giving to everybody out there, and it's that you give it to really quick, do it, okay. It's called Smurf and I know you thinking about little losing, you name it, not us, but that's what were thinking, but I spell it differently, and Caesar of a 55 daily sanity checklist that will help you to kinda keep your brain S stands for spiritual mind. You gotta have your spiritual act together every day with God and I meant dedicated Southeast I will. I can't get away from my kids and I can't get away from everybody, my family, my brother love them here. Whatever. If you can't get in the room by yourself with God you get in a corner with your headphones on and face the corner, but you need that time with him. So number one is every day because if you're not dedicated to God he can't source you for the day you need. Secondly, M is in making stands for mental our brains need to be rational. We need to make great decisions right now because were making decisions that affect their future careers and our future health, and our future jobs and what I found out if the brain loves it when you write something down. I mean, I'm a type you and I both like. But when I do this kind of meaningful stuff I do so love my little thing here and I write down everything I'm telling everybody do this sound silly but it works.

I will make rational decisions today, I Jim and John and John will make rational decisions today and your brain reads it up. Your level of your arm goes your rational person you can have good judgment and also you think I don't have to be called in all of the chaos I want to make logical rationalizations. The third E. promotions were emotional people and so every day you have to say. I want to be vulnerable with one person today about how I'm really doing nothing to be Mr. cheerleader got altogether. Everything is great. I want to get with. I don't do with my kids as much because I don't want them to parent mailing we have great conversation or not there now where I depend somebody in my life that's in my small group or something similar to what may be a five-minute conversation to site messed up at work today or I'm just feeling kind of down the day or discouraged and have somebody pet me out tell me there with me but if I don't bring him up vulnerable emotions number great emotion. My vulva motion. As you know I can get repressed, get sick, get depressed can have a song going to be devoted emotionally vulnerable. One person are stands for relationship and what that means is I got to go to somebody every day and just check in not just about how life and in the structure of life and work in all that government politics in the market and the church. I want to say how are you doing and how my doing a really deep connection on the emotional level was somebody that really trust and also want to encourage somebody else.

The second part of our I want to get good help from somebody, but I would encourage somebody every single day because everybody needs more these days everybody we got a double down encouragement. I'm telling everybody double down take forever, but you gotta do it and asked, as in Frank stands for basically essential function alive. Gotta function you have to have a schedule like Jimmy can't walk around all day in your great yoga pants like the walking of the walls you got to say what time is dinner.

What time is meals was how was work out when we take our walk. When we watch Netflix when do we stop watching because the brain needs structure and all of a sudden everything comes down sick your memory or submersible stay saying what those are great insights and maybe with your permission, John will post those at the website. The Smurf approach and how to stay healthy in this environment. Can we do that absolutely okay great.

Let's end here where I think again we trip up his parents and especially this moment when we kind of throw ourselves back into the parenting mode because her adult children have moved Becton for what will hopefully be a short period of time, but we have to remember the long term relationship and the fact that this is going to be different over time not to get kind of trapped in the here and now, speak to that need to think big think when your child is going to be 3540 you can have a different relationship. God willing, you're still on the earth, etc. but it's healthy to think of them down the road is.

It really is yet is just the same as when your kids were little three or 45, the parents, the struggle to the ones that got called the crisis well there melting down. Are there picking their nose or whatever and they get caught in the now and a good counselor says will your training somebody for autonomy. How is this affected if you give in right now.

So the temper tantrum what you creating in terms of their ability to be a loving sacrificial spouse and work to keep the long game in mind. Great parents keep the login in mind when their little principles. The same now is what I'm doing today in my house. Basically, is it helping them with responsibility and autonomy when their 3540 or basically trying to manage crises because I don't want a lot of hassle I'm afraid of conflict now to want to rock the boat so I'll let them act like they won't think like the long do whatever they want and I never address it in my really help in somebody when they turn older or is that your mother played along banks to do the hard stuff now in the play long and they will bless you later. That is so good is so right and you and Henry have done such a wonderful job over the years. It's kinda like Gary Chapman hitting five love languages you guys with the boundaries approach really hit on something that is right from God's heart and I think that's why people have responded that's why it's a New York Times best-selling book and you reintroduced it boundaries for all of us to read. Thank you John for being with us. We so appreciate what you've done here. Thanks you and what a great book, John Townsend and Henry cloud have written.

Again a revised version of boundaries and it's it's so full of great ideas on how to approach your life and I like Dr. Townsend was saying how to work with your brain chemistry that God is given you to have a functional life and know that your nurturing not only yourself but those around you as well and we want to get this in your hands, so if you could become a monthly giver to Focus on the Family at work that's too much. Maybe a one time gift to help us minister to families to help save marriages help parents hopefully like we done today do a better job parenting. Maybe save a baby's life through option ultrasound, whatever it may be when you give the Focus on the Family on a regular basis. Those resources go right back into lifting people up and pointing them toward the author of life, Jesus Christ. So if you can do that will send you a copy of boundaries as our way of saying thank you for joining us that he can get book and donates at our website link in the episode notes or call one 800 the letter a word for and by the way, will have links to the Smurf checklist that Dr. Townsend mentioned and also our free parenting assessment for those in the episode on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back.

As we once more help you and your family. Fry