Encouraging Your Husband to be a Hero (Part 1 of 2)

Part of the art of being a life with your pitch of your husband is what it looked like to have those two things in balance to that my husband know is I'm on his team that I believe in him. I'm also not afraid to step up and offer ED counsel insight and accountability. That's Dr. Julie Slattery describing a woman's unique role in marriage to be, shall empower wives and describe how you can use your spring to build a more fulfilling marriage. This is Focus on the Family with your host focus presidents and Dr. Jim Daly and on job Jon I think just about every couple enters marriage with wonderful expectations. It's going to be this is awesome were always good to be infatuated with each other but it's normal not to feel warm and close to your spouse 24 seven. At some point that infatuation wears off.

When you start to notice.

Perhaps the flaws person and that you're going okay, maybe even saying to yourself that I married the wrong person. If you felt this kind of disillusionment with your marriage today is going to be for you and next time to have a wonderful guest who knows focus.

Well she is to work your phone doesn't be a cohost of the program and she will offer that encouragement for those marriages that are facing that disappointment and disillusionment Jan were speaking to women primarily, but men armed and encourage you to listen then because there are some really great takeaways here for you to have conversation about with your wife a Dr. Julie Slattery is a clinical psychologist is Pres. and cofounder of authentic intimacy which is a ministry devoted to teaching God's design for sexuality and she also hosts a podcast called Java with Julie that you started that back here in the Springs long time ago Julie and I she's written and updated version of her book which is helped countless marriages.

It's called finding the hero in your husband revisited embracing your power in marriage. Contact us to get a copy of that book for yourself for someone in your sphere of influence are numbers 800 K in the word family or click the link in the show notes Julie, welcome back to focus. It's so good to see something to see you guys always good to be here that's you're doing great. You are tackling an area of the proverbial garden that a lot of people don't want to go to and that's how to strengthen marriages help marriages develop better emotional and physical intimacy in marriages. What drove you to that part of the well.

I know it's cliché to say that it really was God and it was really something that he put on my heart and I just saw so much brokenness that it felt like we didn't quite know how to handle in the church and practically ran sexuality so so good when you look at the original book, finding the hero in your husband, which was written over 20 years ago now, which I that's amazing how time flies. Yes, it's probably more desperately needed today than it was then. That's probably true, yeah, when seen in the last 20 years. A lot of change. Certainly a lot of change in our culture with technology and a smart phone and a challenge. Isn't that with pornography and just being distracted. Not knowing how to build intimacy, confusion around sexual issues. What is intimacy what is healthy sexuality and think also we seen a lot of change just in the empowerment of women. And that's been a very, very good thing. And in many spheres, but I think is also made intimacy marriage more confusing and as women are getting a voice and getting stronger. I think a lot of times were saying men kind of get in the shadows now. Where yet wears our voice and said that pendulum is kind of swung, I sent the last 20 years of the typical marriage in the setup we talked about those women who are feeling disillusionment. Maybe they married the wrong person, etc. let's go right there so that we can answer the question when those feelings of bliss fade, what's going on there and what do women need to keep their eye on to ensure they don't lose the flame yet.

I think almost everyone and he is married or has been married will identify like those first few years of just this is harder than I thought it would be. And it's not getting better.

I'm starting to feel hopeless and I think probably 20 years ago when I read the first version of this book. Most couples weighed stay with it and and try to work things out for a decade or so before giving up and now were seeing evening Christian marriages and people just give up pretty quickly when they hit that wall you speak in the book to women to encourage them to respond with that kind of disappointment by choosing to believe in their husband. Okay that's like a 180 right feeling close to. He's really disappointing me and then you say turned toward him and move toward him.

Can't do that easily. So how does a woman do that. How does she be so frustrated with them and they tell me to turn toward him. Julie you don't know my husband and I don't know your husband yet so I think part of it is recognizing that disappointment is part of building intimacy and I think most women when they experience that barrier to intimacy. Like they feel like they can connect. If you like lower really going backwards. This is again a work but actually to build an intimate relationship. You have to get through the disappointment because otherwise you're just loving each other based on extorting the selfishness of what you're doing for me that when you get disappointed when it actually cost you something to love and reach towards that other person is when you start putting true bricks in the wall of intimacy and I know that both of you have experience that you've we've all three been married for several decades now and and you can probably look back on the early circumstance like if you would have given up then you one have pushed towards what is it really to understand my spouse and what is it mean to be vulnerable enough for my husband or wife to really understand me relate this to just the Christian walk.

You know, because the right question for us as Christians, particularly since I got what do you have force and that's what you want from me in this marriage that seems desperate and that's hard. It is hard at it. One way I like to think that is you really don't know if you love your spouse until you don't feel in love anymore because now you have a choice.

Why move towards him and love will I invest in this marriage, also known as your St. Jim, you don't really know you have faith until you don't feel any more because faith is walking toward something that you believe to be true, even when it doesn't feel true when how applicable it is for marriages to not just our relationship in Christ before our spouse that we need that attitude describe what you mean by relational power in marriage and how can wives use their influence to build intimacy even if they don't have the energy for. Yeah. So when you said a few minutes ago. What is look like to move towards your husband really one of the ways of understanding, that is to get this concept of relational power and how my using my relational power. So every relationship has power dynamics within it and if I'm in relationship with my husband. My power comes in what he needs from me like a lot of times we think our powers and what we need, but actually the power comes in what the other person eat so let me just use a non-marriage example. Let's say I have this rare illness and its an illness that could take my life, but you Jim Daly are the only one that has the antidote for that illness. You now have great power you can demand any kind of money that you want you can say Julie I give you this medicine but you have to run on the building 20 times and I do it.

You have power now because you something that I need and you exclusively can meet that need. One marriage God has designed it so that a man has needs that the wife is intended to meet exclusively and a woman has needs that a husband is meant to meet exclusively and so that gives one another, relational power, right, and so far, women understand like what is it to move towards my husband she really has to understand my power comes in what has been really needs in the book you mentioned three needs for more than two needs for women as you guys are overweight you guys away immediately on the word, but it is funny and I could see that one of the three needs that men have one of the first one on the one you for a lot of women this is a very triggering word today that men need respect and it's a triggering word. I think in today's culture because women have heard this, and they don't really know what it means they just have heard it as a biblical teaching that isn't really connected with understand the heart of their husband and so one of the things I like to do is relate explain to women what that actually means that your husband needs respect and exploit you two men can correct me where I'm off on.

That's why I patch on the well. Part of what I think women need to understand is that men have a different relationship with competence than women do like the heart of the man is always wrestling with this question.

Am I good enough.

Am I gonna fail on Micah to be found out is an imposter.

It do I do enough as a husband as a bosses in my work there always afraid of. I might fail.

I might try something untrue, so I think understanding that need for respect in marriage is a woman saying to her husband consistently. I know the worst about you, but I believe in you.

I guy and that's why I named the book, finding a here on your husband because at some level, every guys waking up really asking the question, am I her hero July 1 before he moved to number two I really want dig into the soul, but because I can hear woman saying hey you don't know my husband there's nothing to respect about him. He doesn't lead in the home. He doesn't lead with the kid spiritually I'm the one always having to say honey, do something spiritual for the kids. How do you get over the brick wall on the car called a speedbump because that then sets the attitude of the wife's heart know you're up against your against your husband because he's fill in the blank, lazy, whatever. How does a woman overcome the privation that is real and then try to suggest oh, honey, you're worthless. But I still love you yeah yeah well first of all it's similar to what we might say to husband when we would encourage them.

Hey, love your wife. Even when she's unlovable to you choose to love her, you choose to treat her with value and with kindness and and with respect to the same would be true is what we say to a life respect is not a feeling it's a choice. It's a posture these are all choices right so it's not I don't feel respect for my husband today. Therefore I can't respect them. It's no I choose to have a posture of my heart that is looking for the best and one of the reasons that husbands don't lead and they behave in some the ways that you mention is because we don't call them to that when you say your husband you, not a good leader.

You're not helping with the kids enough. What is a hearing on the failure but not I so why should I try and so speaking life into your husband. Looking at what he's doing well.

Even in asking him for help if you do that in a posture of more.

I believe in you. I'm on your team. You can get him to respond more because you're actually speaking into his need instead of tearing them down with what you're asking them to do. Julie was moved to number two. So we have respect, what's the second thing husbands made yeah. The second thing and women are gonna say amen to this one. They need help. That's a big definition of what laws were in our I don't need your oh yeah we look at creation. We look at that God created the man and then he said you know what this guy is not good alone. He needs help. I can do this by himself. So I'm in a create for him. This helpmeet and again. Sometimes women here that they hear that as my last man on the helper to my husband, but when we actually look at that Hebrew word, it's the word easier.

Which is the same word that is used for the Holy Spirit Holy Spirit is a help to us and so we see in the Scripture that God created man and women to be a complement to each other that women were created particular within the relationship of marriage to be back teammates and that help can look like lending her gifts and her strengths and her insight, but it can also look like accountability in looking. I'm sure you know the interesting thing about that. I think after 35 years of being married dream and I've really come to the conclusion she has made me such a better man, and I just wish I would realize that you wanted to not fault that you know that what you're saying there that guide you men can be dumb sometimes and we can do things that turn us into spiritual veterans right but our wives are to help us and they have a keen insight typically to point us in a better direction, but we don't always listen yeah and that's because there is probably a better way to offer some help to you. Well, that's right. Here's the trick I think of these two needs of respect and help is like two wings of an airplane and they have to be balanced and most of us is women will emphasize one to the expense of the other.

So you've got the woman who is only hearing the respect me and always encouraging her husband but not holding him accountable not setting boundaries not using her voice and that's a distractive marriage but on the other hand you have women who only want to help their always offering advice to sound critical, and they really are and they really haven't proven themselves to be trustworthy to their husband in terms of she's on my team like I can hear this because I know she's got my back.

She's not being critical and supportive. The art of being a wife with your particular husband is what is it look like to have those two things in balance so that my husband knows him on his team that I believe in him, but I'm also not afraid to step up and offer needed counsel, insight, and accountability. Julie in that regard. Again, I'm thinking of the woman that she is been on the path. These are hard emotions and disciplines to pull up out of your like in a rut so hot. How does one to okay the pounding my head I'm hearing what Julie say how do I get off the highway of criticalness and onto a better path that mean you can understand intellectually yeah, but doing it is another thing, it is. It starts with how we change anything which is really confession you confession a guide confession to one another. I remember this one time I was speaking on this concept. Finding the you're on your husband and I was in this room of maybe 300 women and you know is a speaker you're watching your audience and there is this one woman that had her arms crossed and she just seem to be glaring at me.

That means not a good yes and then she got up in the middle of the talk she is near the front walked out and I thought oh my goodness, I lost a loss that one and then after the talk was over she came and found me in the lobby and she said so sorry had to get up and leave, but I was so convicted that I just had to get up and call my husband and just I just cried like I don't just realize I have been tearing you down for the last 15 years of our marriage and I want to do that anymore and it begins with that. It doesn't mean that we can be perfect going forward. But the intention of your heart is you give me a good man, and all I seem to be able to do is criticize him. I want to change that realization your site's first really a rut. Julie those are the two there's 1/3 made, but men have intercourse. Yes men have more needs. That's pretty funny and I want to get to the women's needs before we entered and come back next time and drilling a little bit. All of this. So what's up third made that men have, yeah, it's interesting when I first read this, but 20 years ago I defined the third need as physical intimacy that men have that strong need that needs to be met, but I totally wrote that in this time around because I've learned so much about intimacy and marriage about the sexuality and marriage and now I'm praising it as the need is actually husband desires for his wife to share the sexual journey with him and that's very different than just meeting a physical need, and it's being in it with him in terms of whatever struggles he might have what is physical intimacy actually mean to him and marriage. So it's far more complicated than just meeting a physic and when you say it that way it does connect to at least number two you know that your husband need your help.

This might be one of the strongest areas that your husband need your help and that will dig in more next time on this, but let's go to women. Now what do you know what's the first of the two women made and you should know that she's been married for a long way to go further as you go and see what women really need their first primary need is this need to be valued, to be cherished by their husband.

So as a husband is waking up every day saying your hero she's waking up every day saying she still love me and I still know when he chooses and dead. That's why women can be so sensitive to husband is working 80 hours a week or whose golfing all the time or who is distracted by their smart phone. It's like he's not choosing me that's interesting because I was asked that what is your giving us too much credit for being married so long in understanding but you know what are those things that communicate being cherished into a woman because sometimes for men. You gotta grab us by our face look us in the eyes and say honey I need this yes yeah it's one of those moments yet first, but you have to know your wife and not every woman is the same, and how she experiences how she feels loved like Dr. Gary Chapman's five love languages a great starting place, but for some women it really is that quality time, and I choose to be with you.

Some women really need to hear the words echelons above yeah if you are writing. If you write her a card and just really express how you're feeling and why you love her so much and what you love about her like that's can be added to, it can be gifts. It can be acts of service, I see you need to understand for your wife what it is. I can remember early on in our marriage. Mike would bring me flowers and unlike thanks hon but I don't really like getting flowers. My thing and then he is trying to take me a long time before I told him that that I appreciate the gesture, but it doesn't mean a lot to me like when he brings me my favorite coffee. That means a lot more to me while moving a heart full of guys bringing the coffee to the girl, it's always flowers. That's why you have to study your life. What's the second aspect of a woman. A woman's need, and what this went on a get a little pushback on because not very culturally consistent today, but I really believe that an intimate relationships a woman needs protection. And when I say that I mean women are capable of doing so much of providing for ourselves, making decisions for ourselves with the mantra kinda goes. You don't need a man you can do it every you need to do yourself and women can be so independent that in order for a woman to flourish in marriage. She really needs her husband to step up and to step in the gap whether that can look like providing financially and what that meant. Looks like even physical protection and not using his strength maybe is louder voice to be intimidating, but instead to be protecting protector emotionally like I remember one of the things that help me really fall in love with my husband we were dating and he said to me that he has made this really weird question.

He said Julie I want to know what hurts you and that will that's where we mean a send what would I do that would really hurt your feelings. Emotionally, and I just kind looked at him strangely and he said I'm asking you this because I never want to do that and he was expressing in his heart that he wanted to protect my heart and so when women aren't happy in marriage. Sometimes it's because as you said earlier than Jim. He's not leading he's not standing in the gap like I feel like I have to carry the whole burden of the disciplining of the kids are earning all the money and he's not stepping up and so that is a core need that women have an intimate relationships and again I don't think we talked about it enough because it's so countercultural that these are such good principles that when you're doing these things well.

I'm not saying it's easy when you do them well. Your marriages can be healthy though.

That's the key. And that's what you were doing what were doing and talking with Julie with the last few minutes, let's cover a couple other concepts you call it the cycle of intimacy give us an example of how the cycle of intimacy looked in your marriage. Wow well. Intimacy happens when both the husband and wife are using their relational power to meet each other's needs. Instead of withholding and things like that so I feel like Mike and I are in a cycle of intimacy right now and we are empty-nesters and when this great season of marriage where Mike is working remotely from his job so know they travel with me as I'm speaking and it's like he just like honey, how can I help you whether it's getting my coffee year and is supporting what I'm doing in terms of speaking and then in I'm respecting him into speaking life into him then. Loving him well and it's just it's a good thing and that cycle of intimacy. It doesn't happen overnight. You have a momentum going and I think every marriage can say we we've been on this good momentum for years or months, but unfortunately there's another cycle that we can get on and that has momentum to where everything is going great and then all of a sudden we can we get any stage of life may be because of an outside stressor are one of us hurts the other one where all the said now I'm withholding. I can only speak life into my husband. I don't want to say encouraging things to him. I don't want to help them with my gifts. I want to be like hey you can do this on your own body like like back to the computer right versus complete yes and then the husband reacts by man.

I don't like being with you some like to spend time with you and yes or even even more nefarious lady know like I'm both husband and wife become tempted by other people who will meet those needs.

Julie, this is been so good were right at the end we have squeezed a lot of content of this discussion, we haven't covered and also I want to come back tomorrow and continue our talk probably go a little deeper on the intimacy issue. Another thing so let me turn the listener. If you are living in the space that were talking about which I would guess 99% of people are get a copy of Julie's book. It is a wonderful resource and certainly you have options on where you could find that it's probably all over the place. But if you can order that through Focus on the Family remember all of the dollars go right back in the ministry and we will make the book available to you for a donation of any amount if you can join us as a monthly sustainer that is great. It helps us to plan our budget and we will send you a copy of Julie's book for that kind of commitment but a one time gift is good to so will send you the books.

I thank you.

If you can help us do ministry together with that one time gift. Either way, we want you to get this book and to apply to your life if you can afford all trust others are to cover the cost of the and will provide that ministry to you, so get in touch with us. Don't be embarrassed yet and don't eat. As you can request Julie's book, finding the hero in your husband revisited embracing your power in marriage were here for you at Focus on the Family, feeling stuck in your marriage. Please note that we have here in Christian counselors who can listen to your story and point you to helpful resources and maybe even a counselor in your area.

Schedule a free consultation with one of those counselors call 800 K.

The word for apportionment donates the call as well.

Or click the link. The episode notes for details. Julie, thanks so much. Let's come back and keep the discussion going forward to it and on behalf of Jim Daly, and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. I was shocked when she gave me the divorce papers.

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