Making Prayer a Priority in Your Marriage

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Prayer is very very humbling when you do it honestly promise that oftentimes we just crank up the volume in our prayers and pray to get through heavenly to recite forget to let the Lord actually bear his weight on us as Ryan, Frederick, and he joins us today on Focus on the Family along with his wife, Selena, and together we'll be encouraging you to grow closer to God and closer to your spouse through prayer. Thanks for joining us today your hostess focus president Dr. Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller, John, prayer is an underappreciated activity in the Christian life is not always at the top of our to do list, but it should be. I saw a study a while back that showed that less than 1% of couples who pray together every day end in divorce net that's amazing, but it shows the power of prayer in your marriage. I'm reminded of the German pastor Dietrich Bonhoeffer. He said praying for one another is the heartbeat of the Christian community. And if you're married, this applies to your relationship with your spouse as well. Maybe especially Jean and I try to pray together every morning we read the word together and that you know some days we miss it because of schedules and things like that but more often we are getting together and doing that and I'm really happy for us that we don't want to induce guilt.

Today we get the schedules and the kids and stage of life.

But we do want to encourage you in this area and give you the tools you need to enjoy the gift that prayer is and as I mentioned, our guests are Ryan and Selena, Frederick, their authors, the speakers and podcast house. The website is called fierce marriage and the written a number of books and I wonder to be highlighting today is called 40 prayers for my wife and there's an accompanying book 40 prayers for my husband look for your copies of those books online. The link is in the episode notes Ryan and Selena welcome back to focused thinking ravenous coming all the way from the big state of Washington. Yes, the state of Washington that will we like some of that arraignment. That's okay, let me say, you know, again I mentioned that guilt complex, and all that but most Christians know that prayer is important, but many of us, we just don't build it into our regular program. I guess the obvious question is why do you think that is when the power prayer, the testimony of what prayer does of Scripture and then we just had a bump along in this life.

Yeah, I know Tim Keller had a thought on this and amenable to the quote, but he said something to the effect of that we don't pray because you don't think we need God right and I think in the right mind would come out against the enemy. God therefore I don't pray.

No be functionally don't think we need got so we go about our day. I find myself. It's like tumbling down in bed at night and realizing this is the first time I've actually thought about God and thought about meeting him. I thought about praying to him, let alone praying for my wife and contending on behalf of my wife.

So I think it's a matter of need and on some level deep pride yet I think you know.

Ironically, modernity does provide a lot of ease for us if we were hunting and gathering for food I think would be praying a lot yeah I know I would let you know. Only prayer would be required there.

But you know that's part of it right. Our needs are generally met through modernity and of the fact that we go to the grocery store. That sounds odd, but just stop and think about that with those that have gone before us had to do. You know, I'm sure there praying often just to find something to eat right, just let me ask you this sad believe there was a particular season Ryan, when you struggled to pray because you were consumed with work. I think all of us men and women that are working outside the home are going yeah I mean you're thinking about it you're not sure if you've done that you do all the things that go into that the 14 things I have to do tomorrow. It's when I hear myself saying all that does sound like an excuse I think is a husband and as a man.

I think the tendency is to want to provide. I want to be the problem solver. I want to be the one out you know in the community solving problems in our lives, solving problems, and schizo self sustaining self focused right and there was a season in our lives and in our work, so we do that we write full time.

We we do the pocketful time. It's a business and it was not going well recently and so I was one to buckle down and work harder, grind harder, but in longer hours, get up earlier and it's realist is doing completely on my own strength in the Lord graciously convicted me ask you did that conviction come through Selena. The Lord speaks to Regina yeah and that's a grace of God and to the extent in I think it is resolved.

With that conviction to open every morning with this line in my journal, and you can see it at just a few months ago. Lord, I need you more than I need revenue.

I need you more than I need to get this done. I need you more than I need, whatever that thing is that I'm putting in trying to solve myself when I touch and and it completely calibrates my heart now to work out of the place of God is my provider, not me, and that so freeing the same goes far away fray and I'm not there.

We make at the kids. Are they coming hot in the morning. I just raining out and starting today and sell as a mom, I can very easily just jump into making breakfast temp until whatever will the next thing is, instead of humbly calibrating myself coming to the Lord first sitting at the feet of Jesus reminding myself that these little blessings God given to me for a short time to steward okay stop and breathe my Savior. He sustains me right when he was tempted in the desert. He told the enemy he told the devil, it's not by bread alone that I'm sustained right that my every word of God and so how, if Jesus says those things. How dare I step out of that lane will appreciate that. Yeah, and it's I mean I can think of those days, especially with younger kids. It's chaos pretty much like time to get you know you're in bed there, mommy mommy will okay what do I have your ice to get up at five in the morning when I was little kid I might hormone is not right yeah get up at five.

I got better but I mean that of the energy and I think that the question Selena and I danced from the mom side of this. That sounds angelic.

In fact, when you're saying that I heard angelic music plan stop and say Lord but how do you how do you practice that were to come a habit for use of a good habit.

I don't totally right now I don't get see pre-kids, you know I'll get my journal my Bible three hours in the morning can't con this energy usually happen as I am making breakfast, as were doing dishes got thinking that I get to feed these little beings. I pray that island just timing but I'd be there. Cells help me Lord as we wash dishes that I wouldn't grumble about the mess that I would remind myself that you've given us this life and that I get to enjoy this mess and the slice sustaining because I already feel tired and it's 505 appreciate that it isn't too in getting that attitude of prayer right and you know you're right doesn't be on your knees from your couch or something like that.

That's great if you can do that, but it's in your activities pain pain without ceasing definitely is a high orientation and humility and a recognition that I cannot now.

I think a lot of us are going yeah I prefer my kids often zero in on praying for spouses not so often right right it's easy to pray for your kids.

I think easier sometimes the spouse. Prayer can be a little more difficult because you don't know my husband say things that they are vice versa, and so I guess that right question is how does prayer the benefit of prayer for one another is spouse. How does that benefit your relationship just to be completely candid. That's okay right. We were at. We had a fight just recently coming within days of discussion you discussed elevated discussion and I was you had a moment alone. I'm thinking on praying and like having those prayer thoughts Lord fix my wife fix the situation and praying. It's like in cringing some like I'm being humbled right.

I think that's one of the big keys of prayer, especially as prayer relates to husband-and-wife is that it's impossible to have a healthy prayer life and also have a prideful orientation toward God and the prideful orientation toward one another. Prayer is very very humbling when you do honestly promise that week. Oftentimes we just crank up the volume in our prayers. We just pray to get through whatever we need to recite. We forget to let the Lord actually bear his weight on us. The Holy Spirit prompt us in the ways that he wants us to change a sanctified and I can attest to that.

I think in Jean and I praying together. It's almost like the Lord.

If your imagine that finger-pointing at your wife or your husband and your now beginning a healthy prayer time for your spouse. It's like the Lord takes that hand and just turn it but it is true I think I have more awareness of my shortcomings after consistent season of prayer for Jean start to realize okay okay maybe it's not Jean it's me so that's good. There was that. Stories help here obviously so want to lean into that a bit with the books and and I think Selena you pray to what he described as a desperate prayer for Ryan after you moved recently. What happened in that real-life story lilies and they transition on everyone and again I think is on the same season that you know you move we moved to kind of a bigger house, and there's more financial responsibility and then all of a sudden it feels like businesses I like this everything is kind of just finally know this rat so naturally the people that you snap that more are the people he felt safe with and so he just I could tell that there was this distancing happening. There is this I'm in a put my head down I go to work and I try to respect that because our seasons. For that, but it kind of felt like we were disconnected for a lot longer than we usually are and sell you know that manifests itself in just fighting, bickering, shortness start and lack of race and so I just pray and I said can't help my husband's heart. Don't know maybe I am wrong in his like again please got open my own eyes open my own heart to my own sin. I feel like he spinning his wheels. I feel like he's kind of depending on himself.

Holy Spirit just manifest your clarity.

I guess in him because we can to see things so wrong we were trying to take hold and control the situation as you praying on my own right on your life.

That was that was kind of one of the turning points of praying together. I think you are able to kind of my heart and also see what was happening. It's hard Kelly see in the situation state when so many spouses I can find themselves in the situation that you you were in is that you feel helpless, like I just want something that change and it's not changing. And what happens is illegal to God.

It's recognizing a need got this is your domain, you are the one who changes hearts. I can't do that no matter how times I nag speaking as a white root as a husband or are I try to fix it myself heart is God's domain and so there's the humbling of myself going to God's and only you can do this, you begot, I cannot be God, then I think as we pray for a spouse who you know you want God to move. We start to empathize assert actually have more compassion toward one another that is been one of those radical things are great outcome of that and you know perhaps we didn't say this disclaimer John at the top but were talking about normally regularly healthy relationships here. Not whether severe trauma in the marriage and in those cases you need help. Pastoral help or counseling and we would encourage you to call focus and John will give those details. For those so we don't want to diminish and I just picture wife was really struggling because her husband is addicted to pornography or an alcoholic or something severe.

You do need to pray get me wrong, but in this context were talking with the general generally healthy Christian couple who just needs to remember the importance of prayer. In this case in your correcting those little things that make life better in marriage better if you put together so they make that disclaimer. In that regard, the nuts and bolts of how to pray were, touching on that. So let's move a little more in that direction.

Let me ask how couples can use the Lord's prayer. You mentioned that in the books. How does the Lord's prayer into your marriage in prayer will loose outline right, of course, pray the Lord's prayer verbatim top to bottom.

I think that's obviously that's how Jesus said to pray, that's great, but I find it helpful as a prompt and an outline so start out our father in heaven was to really grounding things in that statement alone that he is not just a cold is not just a king is not just God. He is our father.

He relates to us in a familiar way and very affectionate loving way your father he's in heaven he's above he reigns about like that is very caliber and so our father in heaven. They got you on my loving father.

You know what I'm going through.

You know the situation better than I do. Your kingdom come. In the situation or will be done to see how that going through that with your spouse in mind is very clarifying course there are more rigid outlines that you correlate with the Lord's prayer like acts. That's adoration, confession, Thanksgiving supplication, that's helpful as well yeah that's a good application. You also recommend praying for your spouse from head to toe, which is great covers all of it right. He knows every hair on her head.

So how about that print your spouse head to toe. Yeah, that's a great place to start if you don't know where starts at fair Brian Eno for has been a main pray for his mind. God just being his thoughts lead him as he thinks and works and does all things he does. God, his eyes mine eyes like whatever he sees me temptation fully may he not be distracted while it may be in purity and what he sees and then in his heart God.

Do what you can do in his heart because, again, that is your domain his hands as he puts his hands to work. I pray that he would find purpose in it that is deeper than maybe just what he's doing so yeah and you talk about for the life of our prayer for the wife for the you had mentioned this in our conversations. You can get your own had a lot to pray for you and head to toe. Starting in the integrated brand. Yeah, that the thoughts would be centered on you and that you would be you know that her mind would be gracious toward herself, even that she would be overly critical of yourself. Even the words that my wife says she's mothering our children that you would give her words that are life-giving that she would have words are from you that would bring life into the hearts of our children is prompt you to hear women right now going to wish my husband would pray that we can let you know what I'm hearing because your you really reciting a lot of scripture not verbatim but you're taking scriptural principles in your speaking God's word over your spouse ever get back pain through Scripture.

It's a very helpful tool is left is I think we get the core of these books that were talking about the court prayer is its response God has initiated. He's the one is initiating communication with us through his Word through the word incarnate Christ and so we read Scripture and we say, God, you said these things now want to pray these not holding got hospice and you said this, but more of a right this is your promise who you are. I must trust him standing on this. That is us responding to what God is initiated. That's really good to everybody. I would hope would have some kind of prompting whatever it might be Gary Thomas is a regular guest or focus. We love Gary and boy what a great author is in his concepts are so strong. He reminded us one time of the story of the man he encountered who he and his wife. There is just this thing about making the bed and he wouldn't make his side of the bed. She was frustrated by that and so then he kinda gave that over and I said okay Lord do that in the when I do that. Pray for my wife as well. So use that as a prompt as a mechanism to say every time a making pray for her and even when he would travel for work in the hotel he would make the bed with the hotel.

I have no clue why you active making the bed and praying in that act of making the bed, that's a very sweet way to find a prompt to remind you to pray for your spouse yeah I find my best prompt sprinkling or just being attentive to my bride update no hear her voice something instead of just saying, trying to fix it in that moment. Pray for you right now little handles. Pray. I think last night I gave my wife a reason to pray for me. She was home emergency and I was kind of in go fix it and she said, is there anything I can do and he said no and I just kept moving and I'm pretty sure I would have to ask her tonight.

I'm pretty sure she prayed then, because if you think smooth out a bit but I was you know I'm saying right and you refer to it really up to fix this and I'm not doing it in the Lord's power and just doing it in John's power. I think she probably was praying for my heart to just jot down. We all experience that let me ask you for advice were couples there just not comfortable with that. They may be, you know, again, temperament complained of the stew and I don't want to pick on introverts as an introvert could be a great prayer warrior. But if you're just not used to praying together. How can they break that pattern and be more comfortable with each other. I mean there's times Jean and I when were praying will start giggling about something you know the pace at which were praying. Jean has an awesome reverence for the Lord so she's in the morning when were praying together. She said okay I'll pray first say okay and then there's like this one closet.

I'm going to help my get up right now I'm just getting my heart and write it so they will laugh about that you know but speak to that. I guess what I'm asking is that awkwardness for some couples, just to be comfortable enough to pray to God in front of each other. Don't let elegy that can mean anything great is never easy, and it can always take some time to get more comfortable in that discipline that as believers we are called to pray and sell it does command obedient so don't let the awkwardness hold you back, leaning to the whiteness that I like leaning to the sum of its humerus or a member couple times with the boys were praying and something which is funny and we didn't know the course mom you guys knock it off talking to God sometimes just got a role invasive to the Lord. He created a sense of humor.

Just be relaxed. Even intangible. Let's hold hands together widely close her eyes did we can face one another begin praying for one another and again if you don't know where to start.

Start with the lights. You you move through various circles. You know a lot of people come to Jim's on to something here. I think there are oftentimes different prayer approaches that we bring to a marriage and how often do you think that is yeah true gives rise to a lot of that awkwardness the people feel like they witnessed it in a way because it's funny how you can have a conversation like this. We have a certain cadence to the conversation of a certain way of speaking and also when you turn on the prayer switch.

Something changes. Is this depends on where you come from you, as you say God do not 20 times for every 10 words or repeat God's name and as you never do that talking to somebody in person. The awkwardness is real and I think I think starts with recognizing that you are actually interfacing with the person of God is not just an ethereal spirit out there. He got his spirit but is also he became flesh, and he is our father and dwells the Holy Spirit we are responding to that end, the awkwardness I think on some level comes down to paying greater attention to other people besides God. Like really paying attention that we might be overheard by somebody or spouse might think something about us or I like the way I sound what it on every level. I'm thinking about what else but God fix our eyes on God's eyes on him. Then again, the calibration happens. I'm talking to the living God, and he has accepted me and he said come to me and here I am. So it begins to take the focus off ourselves.

That's good.

I'm thinking sometimes Jean and I are hoping the boys are listening, praying to model it and make sure they know or cannot Lord in that way. I think in that respect. Another key question is being able to hear from God.

I mean like anything you for doing all the talking were not as much listening and so the importance again. Jean is so good with that at the end of our purchase to, hearts so Kayla sister with the Lord to say to us great focal point to it may be harder than praying is actually sitting and listening nowadays especially think because are so many distractions that pace of life meet Jean. She sounds like a wonderful, wonderful and and you know were wrapping up here I want to hit three quick things that you mentioned in the book the hopeful create margin, pray continually, so just fill those in what they mean. Yeah, I think when we pray we need to pray expecting that God will move right and sweat of things hopeful yet us the hopefulness and one of the things we walk couples through in this book is the go through inventory. Beginning with the kind of grade their marriage. The right aspects of their marriage, communication, intimacy, how do we do with financial issues. How do with conflict in the graded on a scale of 1 to 10 then they commit to doing this 40 days of prayer and the hope is the end of this 40 days and go back and redo the inventory as the house got moved in our communication have in our so I think we expect God to move immediately or not at all.

And God doesn't often do that. He moves over time. Steadily he transforms over time through steady sink location and in the second piece of creating margin.

He has a really good role. I like a one to one ratio. So I find sitting making a request to God for 10 minutes.

Maybe I should at least sit for 10 minutes and listen and wait for the Lord Satan B19, and will tell you what to pray for those moments to give the margin.

That's the conversational piece and the final one, praying continually, Paul tells us in things for system is by something pray continually through a short burst, but the attitude of prayer. I think really only talked about having this kind of awareness of apprentice tactical training like for civilians or he's an ex-Army Ranger and one of things he says don't we go into a situation to be situationally aware does mean you're paranoid just means that you are aware, and so praying continually things a function of being aware of your situation and thinking I can pray I can bring us to God right now that's an attitude of prayer something you're constantly knowing of her closet, hands folded, eyes closed all day long just that you know that God is with you, and you can converse with them throughout the day. So true right.

Let's end with you. Praying for us hard. We do this the listeners. The married couples who maybe haven't prayed together much in opening our hearts to doing it okay Lord come to you. Thank you for the ability to pray thank you that you've allowed us to converse with you this freely, whatever that would not be something that we take for granted, but it was something that we would compress into and then here and present to hearing back from you through our prayers. I pray for the husbands in the lives listening to this, the marriages represented by those individuals. I pray that you would teach them how to pray. Show them how to pray for one another, show them how to pray with each other remove barriers and remove distractions and awkwardness, but Lord, I pray that they would just experience your goodness and relationship with you through this gift of prayer in your precious name.

Amen.

This is so good and I hope folks will get in touch with us and you know for a gift of any amount if you can help us on a regular basis monthly pledge that would be great.

It helps us, but will send you both books as our way of saying thank you, when you make either that monthly pledge or one-time gift and I think it's a great place to start. If this hasn't been a normal thing for you and your spouse to do. Start now. I mean, it is a beautiful part of your relationship and I think that inventory that you talked about, take it all. Have Jean as the world that's a great challenge. It's a playful challenge is not meant to condemn her low guilt onto you. But what a great thing to measure how you doing today and then 40 days from now.

Take another look at it and see what the Lord's done in your relationship.

I would look forward to. Yet in these books are so good to be part of my prayer routine with Tina in the mornings and I hope you'll be joining us that this will be part of your prayer routine is a couple get your copies of 40 prayers for my husband and 40 prayers for my wife when you call 800 the letter a in the word family or click the link in the show notes for more.

And while you're at the website should look for our free marriage assessment which takes just a few minutes. It'll give you a good gauge on how you're doing and some really important areas of your relationship and the link to that assessment is in the show's coming up next time on Focus on the Family author Jackie Hill.

Perry explains how God's grace empowered her to find healing from sexual brokenness. So what I thought Christianity was with people did a lot of good stuff that Christians were people who were really good at saying no to things that felt good to recognize that Christians were people who got snatched up and given them a new heart and a new spirit with a what to say no on the virtue of somebody else's power you have Jim Daly and the entire team.

Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back.

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