Leaving Homosexuality and Finding Forgiveness

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I did not know what they said a girl was so because I did not fit the mold of what a girl was naturally I'm going to think that I must be something other than that, so there's this confusion that was brought about by people teaching me womanhood that did not come from the creator of women but from culture Jackie Hill. He is our guest today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly returning with a prerecorded message that as you might've guessed, is not going to be appropriate for younger listeners so please take that under advisement. Thanks for joining us today.

I'm John that's right, John.

Our interview with Jackie was one of our most popular shows of 2020 and so I know our listeners joy this presentation as well. In today's April 8, the day that activist groups have labeled the day of silence for students who identify with the LGBT community. They say their goal is to protect against the harassment and discrimination of LGBT people in schools but here Focus on the Family we believe in dialogue, not silence. And of course we don't want students struggling with these issues to be harassed but we do want to reach out to them with hope and healing to dialogue with them. That's why we're sharing this testimony from Jackie. Growing up, she identified as lesbian and was involved in relationships with other girls. Now she's a believer, wife, mother, and as she spreads the gospel message to those who struggle with sexual brokenness.

She's even written a book about her story. It's called gay girl. Good God, and we highly recommend it is a terrific resource and get a copy from us here at the ministry are numbers 800 the letter a in the word family or stop by the show notes for all the details but here's Jackie Hill. Now speaking at a brave conference for women hosted by Hope Fellowship Church in Frisco Texas on Focus on the Family. I want to talk about my story and talking about my story. I kinda want to give you the encouragement to share your own. I think when it comes to courage when it comes to bravery when it comes to fear. I think there's a lot of fear and being honest about where God has brought us from. I think sometimes we can be comfortable with people seeing where we are now not recognizing that there would be so much more fruitfulness if they understood how we got there and saw my story. For that reason, but in all of our stories. I think it's necessary to recognize that our stories start with a story that is the story in Genesis 123. In Genesis 1, God creates the heavens and the earth. In Genesis 2 he creates Adam and Eve in Genesis 3 we have this situation that is affected everything you have Eve talking to the serpent, not realizing that is the servant. She should already know, some with one snake want to have a conversation about three at even notice he did.

He was a hello lead to start on the questions you already wrote you a right side. Angels eight through a right side about this three history that God told them that the day that you eat of it they shall surely die. She chose to believe another voice, another person and believing the evil one she ate from the tree gave some sore husband who was with our don't know what he was doing.

Maybe cut the grass. I don't know how to work in paradise PA handing the patriarch of all of humankind. What happened was sin entered into the human condition where all that will follow after them will have the same store. We are all born into this world, prone to believing someone other than God. So when I come into this world come in will probably not come in it with a heart that is it towards God. Naturally, when I was born born to a single mother and my mother love me well.

My daddy love me sometimes you love me when he felt like he loved me when he went down to the altar and got halfway saved and would be present and then would leave again and saw grew up having this view of man that told me that men were very inconsistent beings that they said things that they… They did not truly believe the first man to ever actually show me affection was through abuse.

Sorry. Have this messed up framework that now affection from me and is a dangerous thing, something that's not safe.

Something that isn't built on love but also have this framework that women are a loving thing women on the present ones. The lower ones that the loving one.

So in maybe first grade don't remember I knows before, knew how to spell my name recognize that I was same-sex attracted did have those words, for because again I'm five but I noticed that the same way in which other girls like the little boys on the field was the same way that I like the little girls on the field and know what to do with it until I went to church.

Well, it's charts is when I found out with the name for this passion was which was homosexuality them up lump one with the condemnation pronounced on this behavior.

My problem was with the way it was said it was the tone the inflection the facial expressions the mob mentality of the P of the parishioners when it was talked about as if this wasn't something that anybody should be free with discussing openly.

So what happened was, naturally, I'm keep this to myself because clearly Christians aren't fans of people like me growing up. It was a present desire desire that I wanted to go away, a desire that I wanted to flee a desire that I wanted to somehow leave because I assume that life would be easier if I had heterosexual lust instead of homosexual lust but that's neither here nor there but growing up. I figured that this would be more will be easier for me to do, but I was afraid of what the doing would bring me. I was afraid of how God might think of me and how my family might reckon with me until high school. Usually you either act out high school, college chose high school I decided, you know, waiting to be wicked out loud, so I will you know that it was becoming hard to extract this. It was becoming a difficult thing. So I said you know what, just try it, see what was like this is the thing that I want to do for long time and so I got all my space don't know if you remember that it's a social media network that it was before Twitter I got all my space and connect it with a woman who I was, in relation with for about 2 1/2 years and that relationship is when a transition into a stud.

So why lesbian community and the black lesbian community. The language is different because cultures differ right and so a stud in the black lesbian community is a woman who presents or projects the kind of hyper masculinity about herself and so I sat my pans were boxers. I wore sports bras. There were small like Tyler to flatten out my chest at that time I didn't have locks I had straight hair so put my hair in a ponytail.

I will walk as masculine as I thought myself to be out sick masculine my voice is already a little heavy, but I made it heavier and so that's what I did.

I think this confusion honestly was brought into place to people telling me what a woman was that wasn't actually what a woman was what I mean by that is when you are girl growing up who doesn't like pink pink today not up who doesn't like pink a girl who doesn't like purses.

Even now I don't like purses, happy person is a here with only a charter is in Chapstick is extra baggage. You know, pun intended. I did not fit the mold of what they said a girl was so because I did not fit the mold of what a girl was naturally I'm going to think that I must be something other than that, naturally, if I don't fit this for this box that you said that my frame is supposed to fit inside of must be another box that was meant to me to be in, which was maleness which was masculinity is the same idea that we get to little boys when we tell them that they're acting like a girl because their emotional motions on a human trait not a gender specific trait right so there's this confusion that I have those brought about by people teaching me womanhood that did not come from the creator of women but from culture and so naturally I'm going to try to start embodying a sense of masculinity because that's what shall told me I was this entire time in that space.

I enjoyed myself. All sinners love sin if you don't, I don't know what kind of sin you doing enjoyed myself. You will born sinners you like Smith but it outside of Christ. Younger male check.

Now I enjoyed my sin. I enjoy the affection of women. I enjoy the freedom of sin. Or so I thought it was. I enjoyed the sense of rebellion that I had towards my mother and people I enjoy that.

But even in my enjoyment of submitting to the flesh, I discovered that I could not find peace anywhere in it. It was a difference between joy and peace and I think God was being kind to me and that he would not allow me to be able to shake the disruption that was between us that he made it very clear in my conscience that we were not at peace with each other that we were at that.

I didn't want to do it that because I figured that if you want to be to be a Christian and he wanted me to be by Monte.

Let me explain. Monte Muncy is one of those Christians I have never seen her wear a pair of pants and my life. I haven't even seen her knees. That's how spiritual she saw that was being guy gave me that, save that saying say that Amy even as she think of the wickedness you make.

I am immodest all the Malay now I say that because I think one thing that kept me in unbelief is that nobody explain conversion to me. They told me you saved tenant get right with God, go to church and so what I saw Christianity was were people who did a lot of good stuff that Christians were people who were really good at saying no to things that felt good to recognize that Christians were people who God had snatched up and given them a new heart and a new spirit when they were able to say no on the virtue of somebody else's power recognize that what was happening inside of them was not old to them at all because they believe in a God who was risen from the dead, so they were rising from the dead daily.

I didn't know that so I was 19 I was in my room.

I go to church but I do like Christians curses is extra and so they are dollar extra. You know those Christians I had this one cousin. She was the one person that I could call that wouldn't talk to me about Leviticus and some got on the phone so me all in here. You know you don't know how to ask nobody about a day you want to go straight to Rome. As you know you go direct. I like yeah my cousin felt so the dog was John Mack. I felt the sense of him wanting me wanting my life didn't want him though, and saw, cousin Keisha, who was the only cousin or the only Christian I know that will have an actual conversation with me as an image bearer, not just me as a gay person does the word so got on the phone and I was like Keisha I feel like God is calling me but I don't want him I'm just cool. I'm enjoy my life.

I'm enjoying myself. I don't want nothing to do with Jesus, and she told me she said God loves you so much it is going to show you how much you need him. That was sound real spiritual me. I know what the heck she was talk about. I said a man got up from school.

Whatever you say and was my life started to get harder. I start to get difficult and I think that's a kindness again. That's a confidential mercy of God that he is not allowing my life to be so prosperous that I'm not he's he's allowing alike to be difficult in such a way where I'm constantly looking up there something about prosperity or being in the palace that makes you look inside of yourself. Something about suffering and difficulty even outside of Christ that shows you that all that you have. Thanks. Satisfied is not enough that these people these relationships to pornography. This last all this stuff that you're turning to as a comfort is nothing more than a mere idle and idols can make nobody so coming back to when I was 19. I'm in my room watching MTV summary I want to see being listen a bit more podcast and have I guess that was the radio room, and I feel God speak to my heart can be out on this is that stories need to land on him always always heard a lot of testimonies that sound like you overcame your say you somehow shows him you somehow did it. Recognizing that we are saved by grace through faith graces first and so God interrupted my room and all of a sudden I had this awareness that my sin deserved day weird stuff God spoke to my heart showed me that the sin that I so loved and so enjoy deserved death, but the interesting thing is that it wasn't just sexuality. That was my problem started to reckon with the fact that every single thing that I love and enjoy deserved death to make like a survey in my mind of everything that I love and its consequences in all of this is being motivated by grace. All of this is being motivated by the Holy Spirit who is in Corinthians 4. He is lifting the veil off of my eyes for me to see like for me to see Gloria increasing life. All that's really happening is that I'm seeing reality and I'm leaning towards believing like this, so something okay I like to steal a lot that I used to steal because I figure if I steal my outfit for the club that I got money for the drink down that I thought I was really good storage unit. I steal as deserving the dead will point attic and want to point this out 5 to 19 lesbianism. That's obviously wrong. According to these Christians. I talked to every authority disrespected parents. I remember that the law had something to say about people who didn't like authority and the authority for authoritative systems that God set in place are recognized. Everything you love has nothing to do with God's glory and joy has nothing to do with him and you were created for him. Colossians 116. All things were created through him and for you nothing about your life proves that you submitted to the reason you were made, but also saw another thing wasn't just that the Scriptures condemned my life. It was at the same Scriptures that condemned my life had hoped for me as a person. I remember the one Scripture that everybody know John 316 for God so loved the world, the world being me, that he gave his only son, that whoever whoever being me believe in him would not perish, would not be condemned would not be judge the way they should be judge but they would have eternal life.

So I figure that if God is trying to get me to turn from this stuff, then he must be the only alternative for me, he must be the satisfying. He must be the good one. He must be the right one.

He must be the true one. He must be the good one. Or he wouldn't want me to come to him that was a Holy Spirit I was able to see Jesus for who he was. I told him I said God I don't I will be straight though. Like I said, but I don't like men, which is in response because often times people have preached heterosexuality and not the gospel. So naturally when they hear the call of God, they think they hear the call of marriage or the call of being with another person with God is saying, come to me come to me and I will figure out every single thing else. I'm not calling you, not necessarily calling you to be heterosexual in the sense of having no temptation but am calling you to be holy in the sense of whatever temptations you have. You know how to flee.

God was saying, love me, and will figure the rest out until God. I don't know what is going look like I know enough about me to know I can't do this on my own tried to be righteous tried to be holy. You say this stuff is as filthy rags and all I had to offer you is filthiness, my hands are not strong enough to walk like cheese without cheese. I didn't know that that was repentance and faith. I didn't have categories for those words. But it was repentance because I saw my sin 41. I saw that it was worthless and I saw that it was not satisfying. I saw that even though it felt good to me that it was good but also saw Jesus and so in my scene not seen for what it was. I was able to turn toward somebody. I didn't turn it on myself to say okay got to go church and got Primo and I just I do right. That's got to bed and I just got facile obits.

Although spiritual disciplines are great but they don't get me to glory without the Holy Spirit had to turn to somebody to do the work that I could not do, all that was repentance and faith.

And from that moment was weird about me. I went to work and I were cash register and there was this girl behind.

She was an in-line transit order and usually a day before it before that I would've tried to flirt with her in such a way to see if she, you know, without and all of a sudden I felt this awareness of God that I never had any wasn't as of two days before. I didn't know that God could see everything I know we could see everything as a group or church.

The difference was this time I care. The proof of my repentance and my salvation was not the absence of temptation, but now it was the awareness of God and the power to obey. That was the fruit of repentance, so some of you in here might not have what you call a miraculous story. And so maybe maybe that's led you to be afraid of hurting a lot, especially people to grow the church is like, you know, I came six legs and have a crazy story like yours sleeping, some to control myself, but that's the devil because it don't matter how you came to faith. You came to faith in every single person in this world. No matter how you were raised on your particular economic, political, social, whatever context everybody in this room was a Lazarus. So there is no it don't matter how you came to faith you will raise from the dead, and that in and of itself is crazy. So don't underestimate how God can use the power of a five-year-old testimony because some of us who have children need to believe and recognize that God is saving even the little ones. Secondly, if you're afraid how people might think about if you tell your story really you got it does not care about that.

Honestly because nobody's opinion is authoritative except God. So if they reject you is cool.

The gospel says that you accepted if they shame you is cool, God put that on himself on the cross you free if they treat you like you are what you used to be cool to gospel says your new creation. The Scriptures, God has done for you allows you to discern the lies of Satan inside of your fear into walk free from. Thirdly, stop making a story about you. Remember the lady at the well who had Jesus Hank I'm paraphrasing this is hood language member member.

The lady that was is a water by herself and a guy was tired and he said give me some drink is on Thursday and he told her about her life and so she went back to the Samaritans and sold them about Jesus and she said he told me all that I ever did.

Crazy thing is that it said that the Samaritans went back to Jesus to hear from him after hearing what she said about she and her telling her story. Her store with her, telling them about him. I think she probably said more about Jesus, and she said about herself and in her exalting him through her story is the reason that many believe you have that same ability in that same privilege to be able to preach through your life. God is sovereign right. We agree God wants glory right. We agree. If that is the case, don't you think that he had his hands on your store for the sole purpose of his glory your story don't belong to you. You don't own it is it is yours to store it and give away so that he could be seen and perhaps that might be why we hold it in so much because we don't see how useful it actually say get on stage in front of 1500 people until all you business doing this for minute, but there are ways that God can use your day-to-day interactions to incur to lift up to build up to Walmart to challenge in your relationships and your friendships on your social media.

There are ways that God wants to use the things that he is taking you through our taking you through to encourage the people that he's placed around you, so don't be so self-centered are so nearsighted that you think God just wants to use the things you do enough, the things you did that sound is so good. I never said that before. No, come to be under presentation from Jackie Hill. Today on Focus on the Family Jon, I really appreciate Jackie's insights and her devotion to doing God's will. Above all else, Jackie and her husband Preston just celebrated their eighth wedding anniversary their three daughters and a baby son of God has really blessed them with the beautiful family that Jackie has written a book about her experiences, and in it she offers practical biblical tools for finding wholeness in Christ. We only that the book is called good girl. Good God, the story of who I was and who God has always been and I want to encourage you to get a copy from us here Focus on the Family where the proceeds go right back in the ministry help us save marriages save the lives of pre-born babies and impact the culture with God's truth like Jackie shared today and the best way to support us is by making a monthly pledge doesn't have to be a large amount. It's the consistency that really helps us month to month and when you make a pledge of any amount will send you a copy of good girl. Good God as our way of saying thank you and if a monthly commitment isn't possible for you right now we understand that will send the book to you for a one-time gift of any amount. Get your copy today and you can do that when you call 800 K in the word family or donate and request the book we got the links in the show notes. By the way, if you're interested in stories about how your faith can impact the culture. Let me encourage you to check out our daily citizen website you'll find a link at her website will have a great weekend with your family and your church family as well and be sure to join us on Monday will share encouragement from Deborah Begay on how to develop godly confidence. So we have some area of our lives where we are not sure of our adequacy and so I just learned behavior. You can learn to become what we learn what we were told as a child of authority figures about failing and somebody can find it is about that. So is learned but the thing is, he can be unlearned on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for listening to this Focus on the Family podcast take a moment if you would please leave a rating for senior podcast and then sure about this episode, I'm John Fuller inviting you back once again help you and your family thrive. Okay Mike got here soon as our current was going on. Hey, I just want to give you an update on my marriage is good news. Yeah our marriage is going great right now. I can be happier. That's awesome you. It's like a solid 5/10.

Having a marriage that's just okay is what couples really want to live.

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