Thriving as a Wife and Mom in the Middle Years (Part 1 of 2)

You feel called to serve God in your career.

Check out some of the exciting job opportunities. We had Focus on the Family looking to fill positions in marketing IT and marriage counseling work with other talented believers enjoy meaningful Christ centered work environment and use the skills God gave you to encourage others and help families thrive. To learn more visit focusonthefamily.com/careers that's Focus on the Family.com/careers and find yourself somewhere around the midpoint of life, how's it going you feel like you're on track with your goals or you still playing catch-up. Or maybe you're considering some important changes to wherever you may be in the dream we want to explore what life is like in the middle verse on today's episode of focus on. Thanks for joining us this bogus president, and Dr. Jim Daly and on job done. I think I'm still trying to wrap my head around what is life is not biological definition. I think I've said, it's when you send kids to college qualified. I don't know. I don't know if it's chronological like 40 to 63. Much like the middle I don't will after death grants. But the one thing is I love this idea.

Our justice, written her book the middle matters.

This idea of assessing where you're at what's working, what's not working and maybe will be mature enough to say we gotta make some changes on the things that aren't working and we've all seen train wrecks where people are having kind of a midlife crisis threatening the stereotypes for that I'm really get beyond that, though, and think through scripturally. What does it mean to be in these middle years and we have Lisa Joe Baker back with us. She's an author, speaker and podcast host. She is a real gift of encouragement and especially for women, and some good insight for men as well. Of course she's written a book that's the basis for conversation called the middle matters Jimmy referenced it of the subtitle is why that extraordinary life looks really good on you and we got copies of that here at the ministry. Just click the link in the episode notes or give us a call. Lisa Joe welcome to focus again. I'm so happy to be back.

It's great intercourse.

Jean is merely a teenager you know insights on very lively and all year rise. I even thought of this year to always the it's so much fun at Lisa, Joe, let's asked that question. What is the definition of the midlife. The middle years who are weak. I'm guessing it's depends on who you Oscar right though, I think it could be by age, but it could just be by stage. I've had women that are in their late 20s tell me I feel like a man midlife. Right now just because I have kids that are so much older that are going into high school or college and then there are moms he started later in life, and so they might be in their 40s.

By the time their kids are heading into high school are graduating high school, so I mean I do think it's one of those things are internal barometer nudges you when you get that feeling you wake up one morning and you think to yourself oh, I'm not at the beginning anymore. I'm in the middle that's so true. I think that hit me at 50 that feels like the middle of something list. I've been to your story Lisa, Joe, you describe how in these middle years, you tend to be more concerned about the comfort of your clothing ruggedness that's deftly true for guys I write what it somewhat right.

I mean it really hit me one morning when I was going to my closet and there are pair of jeans I bought Once upon a time in Prague and my right midlife jeans but my husband and I had taken a trip a lost chip which is the two of us before we had kids and we got to Prague and there was this beautiful little store I got this pair of jeans. I looked at them and I felt like the jeans were looking back at me and telling me there's not a chance and I thought about the trying to fit into them, and instead I reached for a pair of comfy sweatpants or different size genes and I realize in that moment, though I wasn't sad I didn't miss that version of myself, a new kind of contentment with the state I was and now I think about this body that grew these three humans that live in my home now and how it has changed over the years and I realize I wouldn't go back. I wouldn't trade what I have now for those Prague genes and maybe listen. Maybe one damn then wear those jeans again.

I'm so not saying I'm not fire your bet not but it is a sense of peace with this agent stage. I am now you know those genes represent me before I had kids before I knew what it was like to deal with difficult teenagers before I been married 20 years.

I love those jeans. They tell a love story, but my sweatpants, tell a whole different scenery relating to this absolute literally every site right now don't have a real zipper strategy practical. Nothing will break Lisa Joe you struggled with the idea of feeling beautiful his woman since you were a teenager.

Some people prior hearing and exit from something you speak to that struggle, and so many women I have that similar struggle sure because there's all these messages bombarding us from culture about what beauty means what Petey looks like there's this one standard of beauty and I have a daughter and softer, two sons and having a daughter. It suddenly became really important to me to figure out like what I do about this whole beauty conversation and if in childhood a lot of vesting.

I'd be interested if you've had an experience like this. But when we are little one where tween's are teens, we can be shaped by the things people say to us. I remember being 16 and driving in the car with my mom and it was the season of Ms. South Africa you now and I remember telling your mom one day I get to be Messiah, Africa, and she looked over at me with just tenderness in the love of a mom and then said words I wish she could take all my darling, I think you're beautiful just not in that way all singers that stays with you and it starts to define part of who you are and having a daughter now.

What I've realized is important is that beauty is is in the eye of the heavenly beholder like God names everything that he made good talks about everything being beautiful in Ecclesiastes and I now is a mom of a daughter. I remember a moment where and when she was a toddler. She was talking about her little tummy you now toddlers have like a little child and she was really worried and concerned about it and I took her outside and we have these giant oak trees in our yard and their hundreds of years old but they start with a tiny chubby little acorn right. I showed her the acorn and I said this is what your belly is like everything God knows that you need to grow is packed into you and he is gonna stretch it grow you into one of these big trees and none of these trees. I promise you, leans over and whispers to another attorney.

Do these pants make me look XYZ like Howdy we think this bark like am I okay now, these trees are mighty and beautiful and they give us shade and they live hundreds of years and they tell long stories about weathering storms and so now I think about beauty and define it differently. I mean, sure, there are parts of us looking in the mirror that we want to feel comfortable and beautiful but strength, kindness, joy, courage, faithfulness, all of these are elements of beauty that are packed into that little acorn that great grow out of. It's really good. What a great way to explain it to a young person, especially Jim, what about that I know that the teen years I can be tough on girls, especially girls. You grew up in Southern California was all about looking perfect right absolutely yes I think you get those messages, even those of us who didn't grow up with social media that yes you know who are the prettiest girls at school Latin and when I was growing up, thin lips were popular in the change of years and I had I had the same size of lips when I hear a result, so they were big at the time and I can remember standing in the milk line in elementary school and a girl in front of me didn't know I was behind her and said yeah Jean and Linda have huge lips and height.

So then my sixth grade picture. I smiled, I got my lips release tiny but they do think they stick to.

I'm glad you have lips where you do, let me ask you to. You have this exchange. And again, a lot of this goes the body image which has captivated so many young people, so many young girls. That's why were spending a few moments on here but you had that expense with your dad and Juergen assuming he had seen them in a while. It was the 70th birthday. I think I did seem like in the book you mentioned your first thoughts are about your way and how sad is it that having not seen them since so long that's so, yeah, and I had part of it is my dad's a doctor is very health conscious.

He takes fitness and exercise seriously and I felt like I just cannot prepare him that way just a little fluffier around the edges, you know, we are carrying some of our stress in our genes. I called him and I just was like kind and try to ease into mentioning that were coming home a little heavier than then we wish we were was the most beautiful reaction. It really was sort of the antidote to how my mom had responded with my beauty pageant question, he said to me in his beautiful South African British accent. Oh my darling. Now just come home. The more of you. The better we can't wait to hug you and hold you and really the whole time you're here. We really intend to put up a few more pounds on because we've got all your favorite people listening are and are not hearing me talk about. This is not a conversation about healthy eating or exercise per say it's really about healthy viewing of ourselves and when you are viewed through the lens of love like that which is really how God sees us to you, I think, and you feels so lovable. It changes how you look at yourself in the mirror.

So when I look at the pictures from the trip home. I just enjoy I see delight. I see family beautiful it is and it's a great way to see yourself okay.

We can look at the self-image of how we view ourselves and those things that hurt whether to about your lips away or whatever. I member a guy in high school is Mike greater use probably 11th grader.

I've mentioned this before.

He was a big swimmer and turned around in PE class and just hit me right in the sternum were crack all goes through spring to go see this this kid hasn't filled out yet like us pleasing you know about the.thank you for making me your example, but it happens in that way with the boys physique and are you often built and somehow all those feelings follow us all Lisa Joe.

Another issue that you mention the book and this is a little corner turn here, but it's about marriage and you know we read articles were midlife can take a toll on marriage you raise the kids you're raising the kids and their kind of toward the end.

And you're both looking up going. Who are you right and you know it's unfortunately one of the fastest areas of divorce. So when you start to think about feeding your marriage and taking care and tending to your marriage when you're in that midlife zone. How do you approach your relationship with your husband will begin by saying I had read an article in the Huffington Post that I think is sort of a segue between body image and midlife of marriage because it was the teenager quote of the week and this is what the quote was my life will never be complete until someone has run through an airport to stop me getting on a plane right which is this trope from all the wrong columns that you could never do today anyway but I understand it right. It ties into all these ideas we have about how were supposed to look or how were supposed to be loved and I remember reading that and thinking no, just.. No, that cannot be the end of the story because the problem is with movies is off to that moment the credits roll right and you go back to your real life where real love.

You forget, actually lives because often the guy ran to the airport they have to live 20 years together.

Of 50 years of him throwing his socks on the bed every night, like where is that love story and thought I remembered writing and thinking about this idea about love in the little like that's the real love like the love stories that are the beginnings leading to gone in like a heartbeat but then you got 50 years. We are the love stories in the trenches and so for me has really been having eyes to see what love looks like they are mean fair. The love story is my husband, who chooses to drive the minivan in the heat of summer with the broken air conditioning for me.

You know, or the guy who says I don't worry I'll go out at 830 into the late night run and the pickups are the guy who comes home, not with roses but would like chocolate covered strawberries. Or, you know, that kind of rice or bread that you changes but for me it has been constantly this the shifting of how we see because I think this is emphasis. You know, carpe diem sees the day.

But what if you're too tired to do that and what though.

It's about a shift in seeing the day it's how you see the day so it isn't about that � through the airport. Instead, it's the long love story of 40 years in the middle yeah that's good that you were the couple here so worked in the midlife leading apps and I did when you were talking about the airport story.

I when Jim and I were first married, and he started traveling I would park the car and go inside and greet with what you could do that then that I don't know, maybe years. So then I started to get out of her left is take your car you're going somewhere to help words. Yes, there are in marriage and not a fairytale and yet God uses it to find right that's good and there's so many good things there Lisa driving me to put you on the spot.

You wrote it in your book about their first number one time years ago Jean said to me you know I love you. I just don't like you, which I was like how could that be not like me. I didn't actually say that. I just thought I think that my little but in your book you talk about right before you go on a live in Facebook why you're yelling out you what was going on when big old fight so literally like four minutes before I spoke to go on my Christian living Facebook. I love your heart and have my throat hurt afterwards with the real doozy of a fight and I remember actually yelling at all.

Yeah, I mean one of the things the book is called the middle matters and the subtitle isn't just why that extraordinary life. It's in parentheses to emphasize the extra why that extra ordinary life looks really good on you, and I think we take for granted the ordinary part and we forget about the extra and that God puts us in families and marriages in order to teach us things about ourselves so I know nothing better than a marriage to help you see yourself for who you really are for how God sees you and I don't mean that in any kind of self-critical way.

Instead it's kind of the discovery of the parts in your story that maybe you hadn't recognized the work and that conversation that Pete and I had a use conversation lightly but it showed us a lot about how we communicate and I think what has surprised me is you can be married to someone for 22 years like I have and still learn things about them, their origin story that have shaped how they interact with one another and so we are big advocates for therapy and counseling and after some great seasons of that what we learned is that Peter tends to keep a lot of what's happening with him in his head, and I say all my words out loud into the problem can become when they are things happening that I had no idea are happening with him and then he will approach the conversation as if I know.

And then I have to say I don't live in your head.

I did not know that that was happening with you. I say this to young married couples.

Again, the trope from the movies is that he will just into it what it is that you need, want and show up and play music outside your door and I tell young couples know if you want that to happen. You will have to explain that to your husband is like my love language is gifts or acts of service, or please do XYZ so I am not kidding you. When I tell you we had many fights about how I would clean the kitchen or the home and then no one would notice. And so now what Peter does to this day with our teenage children is he walks in the house and if it has been cleaned.

He stops everything and goes kids. Wow, look at the house. Isn't it awesome his mom quaint and she did. Because words of affirmation, I had to tell him that you only have like 500 fights before you figure out oh I have to say words to you. You know what it is that I need feel loved. In this relationship and what you need. Well let me ask you this.

This idea of trying to do better in some area for a performance reason like an external reason, or because it's a healthier place to be. So not to be the Pinterest person trying to be the God-fearing person to be more comfortable with how God is major. There should be a distinction sure absolutely yes I really do believe a large part of our experience here on earth as creatures created an image of God's redemptive purpose right.

He wants to see us redeemed. He, Jesus said all the time.

The kingdom of God is now, and we live in the kingdom of God here and now he gives us opportunity after opportunity for wholeness for healing for redemption and marriages beautiful place for that because let me just say it's it when it comes coded in love right when it's not a critical nitpicking constant nagging almost abusive picking at somebody. But when somebody really loves you and they really see you and are able to help you identify places in your life that might have ties to when you were a teenager and then gently work with you in those places the growth and freedom is really beautiful. You had a story about your son, Michael. Your second son who struggled with reading and spelling.

What happened there would what did you learn and what if you well Jean. He's the one who sounds like your son and I always say he pushes hard against me. When he came out as he still does allow I mean is God's refiner's fire, my life, he's a very unique child deeply passionate and because of that when things are difficult for him. He he explodes like all his feelings are everywhere and for anyone he's had a kid with any kind of learning disability is deeply disheartening because not only are you feeling the pain for your child and you want them to succeed. You are also as it just being honest as a parent experiencing your own to read because you now know when spelling homework begins. It's now could be like a three hour marathon of wailing and gnashing of teeth. It was so traumatic, but we've often said that when we invest in our kids. What we need is a team around them and I needed a teacher on my side and I went and met with his teacher, and I described to her the struggles he's having.

I I do this now. Every year I write an email explaining to the teacher what we love about Micah, I want to preempt their frustration like I share here the things that are so great about him. This is wise, get a beer allying class because he so passionate in these areas and so he had teacher finally believed in them to you and so he stopped saying I can never do this and he started saying I think I'm going to do this and he wanted his goal was to make on a roll in, and in order to do that he had to not fail English and reading and spelling and so I just felt like not feeling should be the goal, not making on Earl right and but we can't get him and we cheered him and he just had this growing goal in his life and was really nervous about it because they would have these assemblies that we would all sit there and they call the names of all the kids who make on a role for things which is a sort of crushing experience. If your kid is the one whose always left sitting always five years of school. He was in fourth grade and he was determined to make on Earl her number how hard we work and how much we believed in him and then he believed in himself and then his belief in himself became like a runaway train, and I remember he kept telling me tomorrow mom. Tomorrow we get our report cards tomorrow we get a report card and I remember being so afraid and he told me were get a pray-praying this whole time a mom like God is going I'm to make on a roll that I felt really worried because what he tell him like God still loves us and answers prayers. Even if you don't, I got a really difficult I remember sitting at the bus stop waiting for him the day he was going to get off that bus with his little report card and really talking to God, who is a father also and say listen, you better not hurt my kid today Lord, and if and if he does not make on a roll, you better give me the words because I'm real worried about it. I just the delight of the Lord. I sat there and waited for this kid in the big yellow school bus pulled up and he wasn't even off the bus he was standing on the bottom step waving this piece of paper above his head, yelling never forget it. And to this day he's 14 now and he's still a pretty intense person.

I tell him honey how God built you is the reason that when you set your mind to something you are able to follow through. Whether it's honor roll or football or faith and I look at his journey. Now how he champions other kids, all of those things. This is my encouragement to mom's of Littles who are struggling. That kid who is making you feel like you never get to sleep again. He's going to change your family. One day, because Micah is a driving force in our family who moves us forward.

Whether it's adventure or faith or whatever it is he's interested in that passion just pours out of him. And it isn't a direct answer to prayer because when he was asleep at night. As a toddler and older mom told me you need to make his bed, your prayer bench and I kid you not. I would kneel at the site of his bottom bunk bed, put my hands on him and pray for him and tell him Lord, please. You have to use all of this passion for good because if the other side get them were really in trouble. Lord you would wake up sometimes but mom all what you doing and I be embarrassed at serve awkward and then I decided I wasn't embarrassed anymore and I tell them I am praying for you. So I pray you will be a warrior for God one day and that's just become the beauty of watching these kids that can be so challenging for us and in the kingdom of God. He has big plans for them and get Micah now he's giant is 511 comes in every night to hug me before he goes to bed still and I look I look in his eyes and tell him son, you may use me like you amazed me that were at this place together. I cannot believe you are growing into am so honored to be your mom and he knows all the stories I've written about him.

He has signed off on them.

He has read him. He knows and he laughs because he knows how difficult it was.

And yet when I look at the fruit of who God is calling that boy into it's amazing to me that well and I I concur with that that are strong, 21-year-old we have a beautiful relationship.

I think because we are so much alike.

I just did door him and I have lined up when he comes over for Sunday night dinner and Wednesday nights in its it can be beautiful and will be beautiful when that's the whole point. That's why I'm so grateful and I want to keep the conversation going. So it's come back for more days and continue to talk about these wonderful things that you have been the middle matters book you wrote down the first can you do that yes and I hope you get a copy of this I know where you can get a copywriter from Focus on the Family.

If you can participate in helping us do ministry we don't pay shareholders so everything you give the focus will send you the book is our way of saying thank you is been part of the ministry and the and then you get to participate in saving lives and helping couples helping midlife couples helping kids do better just all around. It's it's a wonderful way to invest in the kingdom.

So send a gift today and will send the book is our way of saying thank you monthly really helps us smooth out the budget throughout the year. If you can't do that one time. You certainly should. Either way, donate requester, Lisa Joe Baker's book the middle matters. Just click the link in the episode notes forgive us a call number is 800 K genus over to have been here for both of you join us next. Thank you. I'm looking forward to it as well.

So my thank you on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back once again help you and your family thrive