Nurturing Your Child's Personality (Part 1 of 2)

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To learn more visit focusonthefamily.com/careers that's Focus on the Family.com/careers.I and shy. Our son Will has fiery personality polar opposite me that his personality could be probably farther from my not at all like me well you seen some of those personality traits in your children today on Focus on the Family will explore different personalities and how to navigate those hostess focus presidents and other Jim Daly and on John for John God has wired each one of those so uniquely like a fingerprint right and learning who your children are and how they think and what drives them are such critical skills for parents to develop.

We concentrate. Focus and the reason is because a common mistake can be expecting your kids to be just like you.

But before long you're going to discover that's not the case at all.

And I've always been fascinated by personality types and I think God made us different and unique on purpose, and we as parents get the opportunity to kind of discover what God is doing and what he has in store for each of our children, our guest today is Hedy Britts she's an author and speaker, and she's done extensive research into personality and parenting has written a book that will hear more about called growing kids of character, nurturing your child's potential purpose and passion.

Check it out. The link is in the episode notes and now Jim, here's how you began the conversation with Eddie Britts on today's focus on the Hedy you're from South Africa call mom's mom's there in UM is important to you right, but it's so much fun and I have spent I think I made 3035 trips to South Africa. I love the country. I pray for the country and the families of the country. There are some great parents in South Africa. Honestly, I learned a lot about parenting through friends of mine there and I just love kind of some of that casual observation. Many people in South Africa do it almost 2nd nature.

Why is that what you think of culture learns to understand their kids in that way. I think fathers have been involved for many generations and I think they ease and intentionality about parenting menu in a country we things are tough and it's not different around the world is. That's one of the wonderful things I learned Focus on the Family think of these American issues you know parenting. Certainly there's uniquenesses but problems in being a good parent problems with the kids are pretty universal. They definitely are. We all went to Bayside gates.

We all misunderstand our kids at times kids misbehave. That is true and it's human nature. That's what makes it universal. Hedy, let's get into it. This is a great growing kids with character. I mean, I it's funny, Jean and I were talking about little issue we are facing with our kids. Yesterday I cracked the book open began to look through it and read the prep and I'm thinking of this is perfect growing kids with every mom and dad wants to achieve this and this is a great tool and I'm anxious to get into it. You believe that temperament is part of the soul's DNA and I agree, but how do we come into this world pre-stamp by God, what he thinks happening. He, James, S. P. He has a plan and I think it's important for him that we follow that plan E building a little bit of the compass and he magnetizes technique is each one of us out to North and then he takes great joy in seeing how parents accompany their kids in the right direction. He planned everything he made. They is designing everything in case connect points to purpose safely on purpose thing we have to be designed that I love that it's beautiful use. You mentioned there that in the book. You didn't feel becoming a mom for the first time that you are emotionally ready man, every woman that's pregnant for the first time St. that's me, that's me. Nobody husband or wife father or mother feels emotionally ready or practically ready to be the parent they want to be. How did that hit you actually thought I was waiting but I didn't know how hot it would be to paint a child to ease the opposite of what I I didn't even think about personality. I looked for a problem. He my cell phone a problem in my daughter when we didn't get along and when she didn't respond to my authority style. I assumed that there was a problem inherent or it is probably nomad disciplined and actually all of the answers most of the answers were locked up in the and in my design and hair design that were just crashing monumentally think that that's really critical because what you're saying is, people are wired a certain way and that communication approach tends to create tension certainly between parents and their children.

I can vouch for that.

Now the interesting thing with that is being adult enough to understand it and then applying some practical ways to get around that and to manage it is because we are the adult in the rooms that we are the one most of the time needs to the ideal.

That's a dream that we need to adapt and always giving a child what they want, but it does mean discerning the cool needs of each child tend to be no. My child feels left and when my child feels loved.

I can bring in the discipline.

I can even bring in the correction stent connection I can bring in high expectations. I can do all of those things, but only when my child knows I love the way I am an understated, unwelcome, and I'm really adopted is that yeah which I love, and in the book, growing kids with character, you mentioned three basic principles.

The parents need to be aware of.

We need to be open to God saving as much as he shaping our children as they set, we do not have the right to say about gates and basically are willing to be shaped by God. And that's true parenting you will be shaped if you're willing or you will be broken because it is going to be hard to God deals without pride to parenting over and over again. It's part of our sanctification.

This journey and will different dockets out to us that mowing things. The sanctification that when the other one is the second one of the three principles are passed to make way for new plan described that okay I come from a household where my trap would be to do everything my parents did, because I think they wonderful to this day I think that wonderful so I would want to do with my mom didn't discipline the way my dad it because it works and perfect while I feel proud of what I'll do it dated but they raised me for a world that no longer exists, and our children have a new world and our new demands and now I need tasks that we as parents need to take to get them ready for that.

What else I need to move away from a good example as much as I need to move away from that example because if I say I hated what my parents did. I was harmed by the way they painted meeting. I am going to payment from a position of heart and it's going to be reactionary and it's going to come from a negative motivation posting payment intensity because we have thought about it, we know we are told not hating me praying about it and it parenting from conviction, not from Hecht or or to put up parents wrong you know that connects with a lot of folks are in the seminar cultural instinct is independence and you know were the pioneers in the frontiers people from is interesting how that seeps into our character in our personal expressions day by day. When you look at that in the context.

How do we recognize those good things in our parents like you.

You mentioned you love your parents and your parents parented well what were those attributes that you were fond of my pants understood the difference between willful defiance and childish foolishness. I was later punished for something that I did not willfully do wrong in knowing what I was supposed to do and being fully able to do the right thing, send out accidents with that vanished no struggles where used as a ground for humiliating me or punishing me today was space to be me and at the same time they were rules and it was fairness in the structure and it was routine and I knew what was going to happen next. I feel it was a balance between grace and the law. Let's get into because I think your book, growing kids with character, you point to four trees use the trees as an analogy or metaphor for our personality characteristics. So let's get into that. Why did you choose trees to describe human beings and their personalities give us a kind of overview before get them for specifics. I think I wanted to get as far away from the box as I possibly can't because I don't want to label people put them in boxes and ship them off somewhere. We want to acknowledge growth and dynamics and uniqueness and I hadn't seen to trees that are the same that can be from the same species, but they're not can be the same size shape that can behave differently in the way there and I can guess who sees and said that's like trees for us were human but we have different expression that's what you absolutely so will start the palm tree. Okay, the palm tree is a very jovial happy person think on trees and hula girls and think tanks on the beach.

They weld if it doesn't fit in Hawaii it's probably not can fit into their guy why have a fondness for life of the party people and at the end. So these kids are high energy, you can get fit and skinny running after them as a mom seek insight half the baby bounds by having a pump ticket that will keep you busy and talkative live did I the ones who come up with all of these creative ideas when you want to put them to bed at night because they are not about sleep. I feel like that would be a waste of time now to the parent the mom or dad of the palm tree what do I need to be mindful of what does the child need from the talkative life of the party kid who's got more energy than I can with running kids refit as you said this is the tally that the door English Charlies play that I want to be celebrated and I want to have fun with you and thanks our speed. We feel we think enough stuff to do. I can't play right now, but please with Amy's ancient Spanish five minutes and I'll be a little love tank full is a fast and so five minutes of really fun active play with a menu use at the heart and then you can teach feel like it's showing sweet and not too preachy. It'll go in United and you can spice it up with a little bit of humor. They'll actually see you and you need to attach them. You need to connect physically with the scant that are wired in a sensual and sensory way. They need to have any experience in you to feel the love you can slobber all of it is well we don't want to promote slob that communications important and that's really what you're saying Hedy is your you recognizing your child how their wire that's all talking about how important it is for apparently mature enough to not coming back fighting, but understand how your child what they need from this world. This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly John Fuller yesterday Hedy Britts sharing some insights from the book, growing kids with character nurturing your child's potential purpose and passion. Get a copy of that along with the CD or download of an entire conversation with heavy call 800 K with family 800-232-6459 four. Check the episode notes to learn more and now it's returning more with heavy Britts on today's episode of Focus on the Family Hedy.

This is good stuff. Again, I don't move away from the palm tree until we finish the next question which is the parent disciplining the palm of that's rural living right. How do we discipline is pumped through the social person… The talk runs around the house wants us to play play yeah I mean I think I was a child I was kind of a palm tree child. I think one woman. It's a friend of my mother's when I was little said you got diarrhea of the mouth shows you talk a lot and now your design for this. There was nothing wrong with that but I was obviously irritating that could have been.

We do a lot of physical discipline with this child not mean punishment. I mean we remove them from ceiling fans to meet take them off the jungle gym because they initially cannot control themselves. So we need to control them, and with a smile on the face, but with a little bit of firmness, said the little ones are being convicted family and I are screen name from way that I've gotten onto the pulpit at church back to the pew.

You cannot do that you have to leave and get them because the moment you get around and come back I'll scream back and pulled out of their social environments. And that's what I like touching them when you speak to them. That's important to keep the discipline and very practical and important key with them is that they are influenced by friends so we can really put in a Fridays and making sure you supervise who they are with you away way that because they do not seem to hate and I get involved I go with the flow that join the faint, a guy with a funnies and afterwards they sorry and minutes delay so that context. I know one of my sons is probably the palm tree waiting for computers that metaphor but in that regard, it's wise and Jean my wife is done a wonderful job staying in touch with who are the friends, especially the teen years are these people that are the appropriate people that you want your son or daughter hanging out with that could be hard but I in looking at the book and knowing the content.

It's good for a parent to know the friend of the palm tree child is definitely a need any delays to time in trying to get them to be tidy and on time. It's not happening and it may not even be necessary for them got to give them a spouse against him in the car in time. I'm half joking but not really what I'm saying. Here's the good news is that you need to fix everything in this kid because it's not broken. It just appears to be an because it's different from how you are. But the book helps you understand ways. The part that can affect your child spiritually and morally Damascus. That's where it matters, and that's where you can put in effect, but I'll tell you the parent of a palm tree child you go to fight the temptation to straighten out straight correct correct correct is its constant and you're right. It's as if they don't hear you. Have I told you 14,000 to do this or that you did but you know what I just can't remember because I'm so happy to be here.

I just want to play that's cutting it is the willingness and will not remember to clean the room but they will generally comply when you ask for something about basin behind his door and if you can keep your instruction in your weekly slight and season with him and I respond one of the difficulty there is that we equate our parenting is being insufficient them before bring to light, speak to that, especially the Christian parent. We know what is right. We know what to expect.

We know even those not in the Bible. Cleanliness is next to godliness is not in their folks but we treated that way.

How do we, as you say, treated light news report things they don't know how to clean their room. They won't succeed in life are some good values and that correct. There are some good values that you know but I think that is the thing we need to distill it and say what he said godly characteristic that I'm trying to go and how do I guide in a way that suits his child because if I want them to be respectful they are.

Otherwise do that if I wanted to take good care of positions is another way to do that doesn't mean I need to put their books in the shelf the land want them put in the shelf and these kids will taste you resolve on these things. And very often they will tell you what is the class that understands strengthening we think about it a little bit and we may not always been done and that's from views that very line really cuts let's move the rosebush with the playful palm tree in Nellis go to the rosebush child.

There's lots of imagery that is beautiful but it's prickly.

What is this, babies born in the mom had all of these ideas of this baby on the base and the cutting in the baby and on their just this by just ending bites. This baby bites and doesn't want to be held and doesn't want to be put to sleep on shoulder and just want to be lifted on kicks and screams and fights the sleep and suddenly you done if you can it be needed and that's the feeling you can have for the years to come because this babies get approved. I'm already grown up. We jokingly say they born with the sign on the fire that stays on the bus Canterbury because we struggle to accept that there is a power struggle said this is a power struggle gate. This child is wired to be up all one day to be the one that gets a vision from God. A message from ascending cell group and from the angels sang travel awaits any guys they thought I must, must, and glorify God and that is difficult things.

This is what this child is like for so of course this town is going to be pushing those boundaries and is going to be asking why and why not.

And why shouldn't I am a very strong-willed and fairly often just really make you proud and I got a message from a mom yesterday and has a great book from South Africa and she said this and I know I'm new to this parenting thing. She's a single mom said the baby as a teen says just tell me something something wrong makes my daughter went to school yesterday and the teacher wanted to teach them the principle of tallest to shortest. It was a math concept and she is the tallest and she ended up being in the back and she refused to go to school today because she had to stand in the back and she said that she will go to school today. She can walk on her knees into the classroom because she's never been standing the back again and looked at her mom base using state and in front sort of the person. Mom held five. So how does a mom and a healthy way manage that to let her know it's okay to stand up in the back that's a good thing.

You create stated tree and the dignity of the teacher or the other authority figure, including yourself that you will back off when I know that an authority figure is in control of a certain area to be more control in the rosebush. Yes, naming this very gentle me makes each thing that we site out so I don't feel like you respecting me right now. What elicits inedible rosebush easy to say think I want to put my teeth in your jugular and put you out of your misery because you are suffering. You are struggling as a payment that's really how they respond. They want you to stand up tall not go down to their labeling speak didn't want you to look bigger sound maker and be the lady to help them run their life.

They are not secure in an environment you are insecure like that. That is fascinating and were to come back were nearing the end today about next time you finish the other two will talk about some of the parenting combos that go along with this. Jumping ahead a little, but I would think palm tree, playful mom, for example, would really struggle with the rosebush son. Have fun together and compete a lot because both of them can and do that. But when it comes to discipline I think it's predictable his skin around the house. Is the young Rosie mentioned the discipline side of that to finish off the rosebush. How does a parent defect control to the extent that's healthy. You definitely pick your battles but you also train them by giving them the responsibility by giving them some challenges by giving them some choices where you can live with both outcomes heavy speaking of the rosebush child. Of course I figure all this in a team context on how your trip seems to make thorns. All the doors in the teen years seem to get bigger and longer sticky.

But in that regard when it comes to communicating with that rosebush child. You share that long-winded explanations can frustrate a rosebush child and you're saying that, but described that and give me a story I just really want the bottom line. They look complete sentence for you if you do not get to the point look like they will even say just finish it off and this little girl that I spoke of earlier, was standing on a stage when each little three year old when she was three. Had to say what they want to become someday and she got annoyed with the other kids on the stage being in a state of the microphone and intimidated by the crowd, and she walked up to the teacher and state and county see they scared. He's called and he wants to be a fireman.

She sculpts such and such and this is what you want to be and she just introduced the entire group of kids in got done with it is it was annoying the bottom line. Really, what should a mom or dad do if their inclination. Let's just say I have a friend like to give long sermon asking answers to kids what what should we do if our child is a rosebush and says forget that I don't hear anymore, or finishes the sentence is what's a good way to approach that we need to give them language to say that in a more respectful manner. An alternative such as Kenny explained to me what you want me to do next is a rather way empowering name because we need them to move things along their design sites. Not all wrong.

They're not allowed to do that in a way that is disrespectful. That's a good word your rosebush mom I think you self described in the book about what how does that affect the way you interact with your kids to describe your kids. None of them arose as well. My young son is a good dentist of rice and wheat but hate saving on again but being mindful that I can be impatient and that I can be sharp tongue that my thorns can, I needed a lot of work and ask how did I come across just now and read their body language and read their faces can sometimes I just go too far.

How do you treat yourself to not go to your natural default. Let's fight you want to fight him up for the fight.

I'm a rosebush I can stick how you pull back from the natural instinct of your bike. I think fleshly nature. Actually not sure God inspired nature of joy, peace, love, goodness, kindness, how do you pull out of the humanness to do something better. It starts with the realization that my child is not place important than I am to God and my child's feelings and needs are valid and that as a parent I need to be spanked as even in the way I speak. So it is about not assuming I am right because I'm the parent.

This is been so good were going to come back next time and finish the other two got the palm tree. The rosebush we still have the boxwood and was just quickly.

What is the Boxwood. This is these are these tribes that you can put any to any site you like. They are the type.

Trees and the decorative trees and that they would is also used to makes chase pieces and fine-tuning source for instruments and that of the fine tuners and sorely exactly and precision.

Oh yes, these are our engineers have one way to very often it's not your what might have one of those two and then we had the pine tree which is calm way back on the slow moving person has a different from the palm tree house. The pine tree different from the puncture are people focused. The pine is happy to be alone as well.

Doesn't need to be the center of attention, but wants to be included, even if it is from the sidelines unless having new people around the city speak. This is focus on family daily. I'm John Fuller and we been hearing from Hedy Britts about learning to understand and embrace your child's God-given personality, even when that personality is really different from your own John, this is really good stuff for families and so practical.

Hedy has provided us with a great reminder about how God created each of us with unique gifts and perspectives, all designed to help build up his kingdom. That's the beauty of it, and it's important for us to celebrate those differences in our kids and help them become everything God intended them to be. And if you need some encouragement and effective tools for your parenting journey. I hope you'll contact us or Focus on the Family.

We have wonderful resources for you like Kelly's book, growing kids with character and I'd like to put a copy of this book in your hands and if you can make a monthly pledge or even one-time gift. Focus on the Family will send it as our way of saying thank you and we look forward to hearing from you and if a monthly pledge is more than you can do right now. We stand, and certainly would appreciate a one time gift of any amount or number 800 K and the word family 800-232-6459 or donate online and get your copy of growing kids with character by clicking on the link in the episode notes let me mention we also have a free parenting assessment at our website. It is a great tool to give you a good overview of what's working well in your family and maybe an area where you could put some extra effort in improving.

I do recommend you check that out.

The link is of the website on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family plan to be with us tomorrow for more about personalities and trees just Hedy Britts and John Fuller inviting him back as we once again help you and your family thrive