Recognizing Your Son’s Need for Respect (Part 2 of 2)

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Learn more@focusonthefamily.com/club ready asked the question, is that which I'm about to say or do going to feel more sounds respectful to my son may not deserve it, talking about him deserve talk about that need something from you. You given that Jimerson, a correction, you'll hear more from him today on Focus on the Family will be offering help with the mother son relationship your hostess focus Pres. and other Jim Daly and Anjan Fuller were coming back to a great discussion for moms in particular. If you missed last time, I want to encourage you to listen.

One of the broadcaster get the entire conversation on CD. The discussion is based on Emerson's book mother and son, the respect effect and I learned a lot on this topic from Emerson and I think you will too. As we continue and Dr. Ed Rich has helped transform countless marriages through his love and respect conferences. He sure has helped a lot of parents through speaking and writing as well, including of that book mother and son, the respect effect. Stop by the show notes to get your copy. Let's go ahead now and here day two of the conversation with Dr. Emerson. Emerson, welcome back. All thank you. Okay, I am like you know a kid of the smorgasbord now. I mean this is such good material. I was thinking about it all night about applying these things in different ways and I'm sure many of our listeners who were able to listen last time have done the same thing. Let's kind of restate some of things from last time and they will get into the new concepts that you talk about in your book mother and son, the respect effect that innate ability of woman to look at herself first. I mean it is something I seen Jean all the time where she's loading up guilt because something didn't go right. You were very strong yesterday saying moms don't do that, we know you're gonna look to your own heart first to say look how I've blown it. Look ashamed. Reiterate that important point for moms not to go down that alley, which could be really destructive right well and the point applies because were saying that boys need a mothers respect and at first that seems counterintuitive. It's countercultural when I need my sons respect. I can't believe your scheme. I got respect my boy because he's doing things that are not respectable. He's not being obedient to him and so it was Sarah my wife, as well as hundreds of mothers they began to put me onto this when they begin to apply this teaching with Adam and marriage that when a wife puts on a respectful demeanor toward her husband. Batman softens moves toward her and connects which is the longing of every woman's heart and she began to apply to her boy and they began to write me and so I wrote this book, though, I realized I know that many mothers all I have been so disrespectful and then she starts replaying her mind all the scenes where she's blown it and now she's thinking I've ruined him. I've ruined the family have ruined everything room, the cosmos, and she moves into the self-deprecation. So one of things I want to encourage her to do was we need to work together. This is not for the purpose of you going into that were just talking about adding a few vocabulary words to your love and to keep doing what you're doing but make some adjustments and meeting need here that we think has been removed from the parenting radar screen. With regard to a boys need to feel respected for who is apart from his performance and that doesn't seem logical or right and so this is a niche that were bringing into this, but mothers can move into this all I blown it and I'm saying let's backtrack on that.

Let's just see it as a slight little adjustment and watch the big results.

Emerson, in fact, you help us by understanding us in a couple concepts in your book.

One is the guide's principal and shared we don't want to get locked into all of the description because it is meeting you know Paul talks about not being on the milk of the word, but the meat of the word. I think for parenting your into the meat of what it means to be a mom and I would want to point people if you want to get more of that description go to the website and will post that there but briefly talk about what the guide's principal is and what shares is guides and chairs are two acronyms and had the privilege as I mentioned before to study the Bible 30 hours a week for nearly 20 years and I looked at everything the Bible and parenting, not just principles that would apply to parenting, but what has God said to a father to a mother and I worked really hard in putting together an acronym guides GUI DES the parents should be giving understanding, instructing, disciplining, encouraging and supplicating we won't go into that, but that's God's call on a mom that's God's call on a dad and he wants us to do that and we do that under him.

But then I looked at another acronym chairs CHA IRS which I looked in Scripture what is God say to us about male and female, for instance, act strong be like men. What is it mean to be strong like man. There is no statement be strong and act like a woman. What is God saying to us, and I worked very hard been taking those salient scriptures that deal with masculinity as well as femininity.

But in this one masculinity and caned up with chairs CHA a IRS and there are things about a boy that are very masculine and when you understand what God is saying. You can then speak into that with what I call respect talk and that boy spirit will soften. He will look at mom and move toward you to connect, which is the longing of your heart. As a mother cover the chairs, though its conquest hierarchically. Our authority insight a relationship and sexuality and these are the things that you know a boy is thinking about behaving like or toward the end credits important for mom particularly understand how their boys thinking. For instance, conquest that doesn't sound like very inviting. But Adam was created and in garden of Eden and before he was designed before the fall, and he was to cultivate and maintain the garden and that he was designed by God to work in the field and he's cursed in the field. She's cursed in the family but OSA was the first question every man ask another man wanted me for the first time what you do. This is inherent within us and it doesn't mean that women are can ask that question, but they'll tend to look at the Wrangell go relationally. Are you married you have children, even a CEO of a corporation will still look around and she will talk relationally is the way she wants to do. It's not a matter she can't do the other and we are more focused here. What is it mean for your boy than to grow up to work in a field what house he processing conquest when he's making a Legos said what was he trying to achieve. What's he doing in the book unpacks each of those concepts and coaches. A mother what she can say when she notices something and use a word like I really proud of you here. I appreciate that right value you write respect, you are lets us take on insight, which is the eye of chairs. Here's a mother who applied this and she wrote me and she said this in his very very powerful when my son gives me his insight.

I say I really respect what you have to say. Or I say I respect the way you handle that situation or I really respect how your taking initiative to get things done and follow through with. She said these things have made my son smile like I have never seen. I talk more about respect with regard to sporting events and showing respect for other opponents.

My son knows without a doubt that I love him.

Now I feel he knows that I value him and his ideas which I may not have done so well in the past. Thank you for sharing God's message. What are some of those desires. The boys have in that relationship with their mom. Well, they have several they have is we talked about in terms of that chairs and I've written several times in the book, but she needs to know that he needs to know that she respects his desire to work and achieve. That's the sea respect his desire to provide, protect and even die. I made a five-year-old little boy said is mommy I'll protect you mommy, and some others laugh at that, but no there something going on there and need to honor that.

Why does he put on the Superman outfit what's going on. You can speak to that your strongmen feel his muscles letting flex your strongman. You protect women and the innocent why boys build a fort whether they pickup sticks to fight with in order to become violent.

You ask every little boy who's going to 40s got these swords out there.

He's protecting the innocent from the evil invaders. He is doing a righteous deed but were labeling that in a way that is though. Somehow we need to indict him. You know that's that effeminate culture aspect is Asian of the male making them soft, respecting his desire to be strong to lead and make decisions as that authority respecting his desire to analyze solvent counsel respect his desire for shoulder to shoulder, friendship, and I'm coaching others in this what mom want talk is Sarah my wife talks about the hundred question she was hazard at least 20 questions every day when the boys would come home and finally David. After several days, mom, it's the same as school every day. If anything changes I'll let you know. And so they're asking questions, asking questions, I say to mom. When the two boys are out playing catch just go out there take a chair out not iPhone have nothing going on. No recipe book doughnut and sit there. Just watch and play catch for 15 minutes. Don't say a word, just watch the and then I want you to just watch the milk be making eye contact at you, drawing in a running get the belt whatever they're going to do now you get up going to house evening meal. Whatever now call them in tell them to go upstairs, make the bed that they did make wash their hands and face and clean up the room come down to dinner and I'll be done to what you've done is you've energize them. You made a deposit in their spirits just by what we call the shoulder to shoulder activity see mothers feel that were only connected if were talking face-to-face and he shared with me what his day was all about, will daughters will do that. But boys are little bit different so what you want to do is meet his need not just be reassured that everything is okay between you do it the shoulder children. I coach others unassuming woman arrives.

This is unbelievable. Why has anybody told us this well or their thinking that's really hard to do what I knew.

I got my castle that is exactly what is not hard to see yeah just it seems like this is not producing any quality in our relationship.

This is not quality time it's a waste of time exactly but that's if we filter through the feminine grid again if we finance what you're pointing out and is not to indict the feminine. We need to honor that exalt all of that. But what we're reminding us.

Jesus said, have you not read you made it from the beginning made them male and female and so were equal were not the same. We need understand then what is different about her boy and does he have a need that were maybe not paying attention to and I've written this book to say it's a huge need and when you meet it. He softens and connects with you, and he gets affectionate with you. Generally speaking, the Emerson in the last portion of the program. I want to get some real practical respect talk at every level of development toddler team and everything in between. Before I do, though you mentioned the right outcome. And for that mom who is tried different things. Maybe she's even innately tried some of the things you're talking about, but it hasn't worked that she hasn't received a response from her son. Maybe it's just years of antagonism between them.

Do you have examples where it's taken much more than what you're describing to heal that relationship because of the wounds between them both describe that environment where it's much harder than just a simple phrase right right. The challenge for all of us is to step back for a moment and say look, whether or not my son response of this or let's put it by way of analogy, a father is to be loving toward his daughter, whether not she rebels and gets into drugs or whatever, that he can be a very loving father apart from the outcome in her so to mom's.

Your son may not respond immediately. There could be any number of things that are going on.

He could be addicted.

He could be lying to me there. We all know, I went to military school for five years from eighth grade to 12th grade 5 years my life and it had nothing to do with my mom and everything do with me and so one of things that I want to say you stay the course on this.

This is about meeting your sons need whether he appreciates it or not, this is about you being a respectful woman of God.

Whether your son is responsive or not.

Don't give into contempt and disrespect and communicating that way, with the hope that somehow he's going to repent.

That would be using unholy means to achieve a very worthy in so my challenge stay the course do this under Christ and just trust that what were saying here is correct because mothers love to meet a need in your meeting. Your sons need to be believed in that you honor his heart, and you believe in a more than he probably believes in himself right now and I believe if anything is going to cause them to turn the corner. It's that I do not believe boys will return home to a mother who has nothing but contempt and the feeling that she despises him because he's humiliated her and shamed her, made her feel that she's a failure as a mother and as a one Emerson that is so powerful you're right on the money again because I think of the many stories I've heard, we've had a prodigal child and what brings that child back over the long term. Usually when they're an adult will be that consistency of love that they felt from mom and dad and if it's not there. The chances are it may not happen and so I love that keeping that tether of love tight because that's the testimony that we receive in the end that I came back to my mom because it just was so obvious how much she cared about me yes and I took the time to figure that out and I would add to tether of respect and honor.

Can we get, we default to the love component mothers a loving we got a good friend right now her son is in prison and she's continued to apply this in this is a man in prison will be there for many years, but his attitude toward his mother got addicted and was anything to do with her.

He got himself in a mess and he's an addict, but because she's honor his spirit even though she's been humiliated by what is happened.

The family has the sorrow that their experience in his own regret his own guilt she has given voice to these principles in this son is connected from behind the walls. The prison bars but she has a relationship with her son because of this powerful that's so good.

Hey, we do want to get practical. So let's talk for the remaining minutes that had a deal with. I guess you'd say the phases of childhood so that toddler to try to get these points across. Maybe that toddler just hit his little sister something. How does Mom engage that little boy to say Johnny that's not what were going to do.

Yes, you are an honorable young man and honorable men do not do this. Your daddy doesn't do this year honorable now in the insert mothers think well 304 world is not going understand that concept. This is what's blown away does a little girl understand when daddy says I love you. Actually, Shirley does and mothers were testing this out. I don't think that my boy would respect me in this mother had of two-year-old and four-year-old and she's putting the bed and she decided to apply this and she has a psychological background she's a psychologist or she said Brendan I really respect you and she thought that he would say what you mean she said he sat up and he said thank you mommy and he would always echo. She said I love you, and he was at. I love you. She said I respect you. He sat up and said thank you and she said he understood what I was saying.

Now it's still an abstract concept, so I'm not going to debate that always, but if she uses the language without toddler is not honorable is not honorable to hit your sister just keep on that message that is good.

Let's move the grade school.

Maybe it's getting a little more serious now.

The chores are being done given experiences and never in my will average for the 1000th time can you take the trash out and put in the garage but can write me that's my mantra.

Yeah, dad will do it than an hour later.

Why is the trash you here. Yes, we talked about mom is struggling with chores. Yes.

Well first mother will be no perfect children. There was only one perfect child. You know you didn't have that perfect child. So there we got allow for some degree of independence be. Jesus said the boy is going to leave father and mother and so as I say you control during the toddler years, but then yet moving to counsel from the nose teen years because you can't control them 24 seven. And then there's the casting off and you want to develop this boy finally leave home okay and so there's gotta be some allowance for him to you know wiggle a little bit. But on that point. Yes, the question you know I've asked you multiple times to take the garbage out.

I understand it's a hassle and I know there more exciting things to do, but you said you would do it and I see you as an honorable man of integrity and help me understand this because I believe in you and I believe your becoming this man of honor. I need you to be honorable and follow through on your word here, even though it's a hassle, but you tell me how can we solve this problem because I putting it on their honor to do it like that yeah as long as we don't use this as a club right we have to figure out mess was and what battle you want to fight here. Is it the garbage battle or is it another one you know but it has come that moment when we asked that question we put the problem back on the shoulder you coach me here if you were dad, what would you say to you because I see as an auto man and yet his comments like you're not honoring me you're not respecting me. Have I done something that has caused you not to want to respond to me. Help me understand where my failing as a parent help me with my feelings kinda cover that tween messages well in terms of respecting each other than that teen message when maybe their coming home late blowing curfew more often than they should dig into that will bit little more intellectual discussion at what I'm finding is that teens get older is there rationales become a little more difficult to debate in others reasons why these things aren't happening and you began to get into these lengthy debates rather than your instructions being followed to speak to that issue of the debate season of teen hood right well that's where the debate cannot get down into the gutter where you are showing disrespect toward the spirit of individual there has to be an appeal to Jonathan and David do know is they went to those teen years that I tried to remind myself okay this is going to be a discussion here of man-to-man will to talk honorably with each other respectfully with each other.

I said to David are times he was pushing the limits tonight I have a circle that I drew you have authority of father you have the freedom of the sun and you have the responsibility, so I had authority, freedom and responsibility since I know you want more freedom and you really don't want my authority and that you want me to be responsible for you. I will tell you, you can have total freedom and come out totally from underneath my authority.

But you have to be 100% responsible for yourself and you don't want that because you want things that I'm responsible for you. I get that but you want more freedom. All I can say is we can have some tension here in this tension is healthy but in a few years you going to be outside the home to Nellis talk.

How can we honor each other, you know, we have a curfew. I know that feels limiting to you but we live in fear when you're not here so how can you service. How can you honor us even though you feel this is unfair. Talk to me. I know you feel this is unjust, I know you feel this is unfair. I know you feel and dishonor new but I feel it is fair, it is reasonable to guard your mom, and my heart from feeling fear and I feel your honoring us to know how can we create win-win help me.

I like that it's rational and it's calm you flipping to the dad conversation there, but let me ask this question. When can mom say and when should she say honey, I need your help here is he's typically enough because to some of this. I know of the funniest things that goes on in our house will be one of my boys standing 5 feet from me and Jean will direct the instructions through me to him and I'll say you know he's standing right here so you'll say yes. Can you have Trent do the dishes okay. Trent would you do the dishes. I can hear your mom that dynamic yet well is it she's perhaps feeling that her authority is not being used with trays not responding her so she's going to use your authority to make sure this gets done. I'm not quite sure of all the dynamics there, but I think your point about what can a mother do I think again if the mother is afraid let's say that curfew issue again. She can appeal your 17 and you know I need your strength son because when you don't get in on time. I begin to worry, I can be afraid of now think you're going to do your debt and I know you can tell you mom.

You shouldn't feel that way. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I need your strength here. I need your leadership. I need you to help me okay I need you home by XYZ time seat.

There comes a point when we should be afraid of being vulnerable with our children as they move into that young adulthood thing appealing to them but appealing them based on our need. If mom really is afraid then when I give voice to that rather than saying young men you're being disrespectful and you're not honoring Egypt and moving into that condemnation again and shaming him because he's not responding to your authority leadership is that really the root here is that really what you want and I'm afraid that he might die in the road.

He's not home. Okay, then let's go there with that and then appealed to him to serve you and watch what happens now every boy, do it now if he's addicted to B's and the sex he's doing things we we live in a very real world where there are a lot of temptations and he's going to get into those temptations and it's going to override his mind that says I auto Bay. Mom and dad and you're going to have to deal with that situation and I deal with that in the book on discipline and consequences but begin with what were saying right now appeal to a strength appeal to that sense of honor. It's good that is so good at Emerson before we go. I'm one of the culture's greatest questions right now are the kind of the late blooming of Boyz II Men numbing the 20 something that is living in his mom and dad's basement perhaps doesn't seem motivated playing video games way too much is arriving adulthood maybe 5 to 10 years later than men use to speak to that mom who's got that son in that phase of life, or they're just not sure what to do. What would say over what I think. Again, this is one of my concerns that I think this we talk about the soft mail or we talk about this boy and is he lazy. Is he slothful. Is this something that's evidence of a poor character quality or does this reinforce my message. He's afraid because all the messages out there are opposite of chairs that he didn't have it in them to conquer. He he really doesn't have that strength to provide and protect. He doesn't have strength of leadership he really doesn't have a lot of insight. He's really not a person you want to have a good friendship and relationship with any may not. You know have the right perspective on human sexuality and he's beginning to produce a Christ follower beginning to feel like is he really a man does he really have what it takes. Can I really enter that adventure and make a difference in the field that perhaps God wants Mia and men will pull back out of fear. And so the real question is can a mom begin to speak into that and say honey, I do believe in you.

I believe that God has a call on you. I believe there something that he has for you. I been praying for you for 20 years on and I'm fully confident that he's gonna reveal that and here's what I see in you hear the desires I see in you, the opportunities aren't there, but I just need to go on record to say, here's what I believe about you and if I've been remiss in saying that, or if I've been on you to get out there and get a job and somehow you feel that I think you're a failure that is not the case. Here's what I really believe about you and let me state several things that is so good. Emerson I'm leaping out of my chair here and I hope moms are excited about what they're hearing because it gives them a pathway to improving the relationship with their sons because it will feel like you don't speak the same language and you don't understand each other and I'm excited to be able to deliver some hope and help that mom who is so frustrated. Maybe dads to her near mom's return of their husbands will help me and we don't understand what to say or do.

This is a resource for you, particularly that mom of the boy and I'm excited that you've written this.

I'm grateful that you have. I can't wait to share it with Jean at home just to help her in her relationship with our kids. This is what you enable us to do here Focus on the Family I know that hundreds if not thousands of moms are going to contact us and we want you to is where in your corner. We want to put this resource in your hand so that you can do the best possible job parenting that young boy as you can. What a great conversation with Dr. Emerson acreage he's been her guest the past couple broadcasts here on Focus on the Family and encourage you to donate to the ministry and request your book from us. The book is called mother and son, the respect effect and let's do this John for a gift of any amount that will say thank you by sending you Emerson's book and you can also stand in the gap for those who may not be able to order this resource. Your generous gift will enable us to send this along to others in need. Donate today. Get that book or ask for the CD of this two-part conversation are number 800 the letter a in the word family 800-232-6459 or you can donate and get the book and other resources will have the link in the episode notes and as we close one last word from Dr. average for the mom who's struggling asked the question, is that which I'm about to say or do going to feel or sound to my son may not deserve it. Talking about him deserve talking about that the need something from you. You can give some great parting advice from Emerson a rich once more. It's been privileged to have them here on focus on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team on John Fuller hoping you have a great weekend and letting you back on Monday will hear from Allison Bucky will help you establish boundaries with your adult child as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. You know, nearly 60% of American adults don't have a will in place a big number and having a well can leave a heavy burden for family left behind if you need a well but don't know where to begin. Focus on the Family help download I resource 15 questions to ask when preparing a well it's our gift to you@focusonthefamily.com/prepare my well that's focusonthefamily.com/prepare my well