Recognizing Your Son’s Need for Respect (Part 1 of 2)

Really and every part of a resource that supports your values question the parents authority were kids behave in a way that I don't lie and you never have. I can learn more about Focus on the Family clubhouse and Focus on the Family clubhouse Junior magazines focusonthefamily.com/club ready to mother system for any vocabulary word that I'm using that would cause my son to think that I don't respect that I've contempt toward him that I despise who used that I find them unacceptable as a human being that is less than the audit and those are the words that we need to refrain from such great insight from Dr. Emerson, a rich user guest today on Focus on the Family and has some helpful advice from mom's to strengthen your relationship with your son, your hostess focus Pres. and other Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller, John, here's a headline for us all. It's easy to forget that you're actually raising a man not a boy, and that someday he's going home and start his own life. That's the point.

As a father to grown sons that I know how quickly the time passes and they begin making decisions on their own and today we tailored the broadcast for moms in particular, we want to speak to your heart and offer advice specifically to help you raise your sons to become those men you desperately want to see were coming back to record a discussion with Emerson egg Rich about mothers and sons that has provided some great encouragement and instruction to our listeners. In the past and I know Emerson's can help again today, but he's a popular guest here at Focus on the Family internationally recognized as an expert on male-female relationships. He speaks at conferences with his wife Sarah around the world and he's the author of a number of books including mother and son, the respect effect.

This conversation was recorded.

Not long ago in her studio. Let's listen to ever say it's great to have you back to Focus on the Family. I looking forward to Jim and thank you John, you are really gifted at speaking right to the heart of people, especially in the area marriage obviously love and respect is been really impactful to literally millions of people and you now are applying those kind of principles to the area of parenting which I think is perfect. Why did you take that message of how you related marriage into the parenting relationship, whether two levels of data, wrote the book love and respect in the family and I looking at everything the Scripture concerning parenting, I had the privilege of studying the Bible 30 hours a week for nearly 20 years as the senior pastor of the church so they gave me a lot of time to think and then of course the academic bent, looking at what research said so I waited on the parenting topic until my children were grown, Jonathan David and Joy are now adults in and out of the home and I waited on that but this more recent book, mother and son.

It was Sarah my wife as well as the hundreds of women who went to our love and respect, marriage conference, who began to apply these principles to their boys and began to email me Jim and telling me what happened in that the boys heart in the sense of connection they were beginning to experience as they began to apply what I call respect talk Emerson you give credit wonderfully to Sarah your wife in the way you observed her interaction with your two sons and speak to that observation that you had as her husband and the father of her boys will consider is the one I really kinda put me onto this as she and I were doing, love, respect, marriage conferences, she began realizing this really does apply to son. She was tracking as a mother there I was thinking merrily. She said you know what we need to bring this up early in the conference and say how do you mothers want your future daughter-in-law to treat her precious baby boy. As they feel totally different about the boy than I do about their husband at that moment in time and so Sarah really put me onto this and so as I begin to evaluate this this book came out of that is to dig his mother's began to write us but Sarah said two things that I said very quickly at the beginning of the book. She said if I had known this information when my sons were little Jonathan and David to boys. She said there now in their 30s, I would've been a better mother and she's encourage mothers to really think about this because every mother wants to improve and she feels very deeply. Had she known this in the earlier years they could've made a huge difference, but then she also encourages mothers. As a mother.

It is never too early and never to late to apply this message of respect.

Let's refresh or introduce that concept to the listeners who maybe didn't catch those programs love and respect or read your book on that theme talk about the general principle of love and respect what you're driving at when it comes to gender and what we need to write with University of Washington study 2000 couples for 20 years and they said we now know the two key ingredients for successful marriages.

When those two ingredients are present. The marriage succeeds when they're not present. The marriages fail.

Many of us think that if we don't have money problems in law problems, health issues, work-related issues, the stressors if we could remove those we have a happy relationship, but they found out it's our attitude toward each other during those conflicted moments that really is the key. So if I come across hostile or contemptuous to the spirit of the other person. That's when they deflate him stepping on their toes. Well I found it intriguing that Ephesians 533 said husbands love your wives and wives respect your husbands, and the love and respect dynamic. There is a whole other debate on that first part of that verse, but the second part, women will say Dr. Emerson I am feeling respect for my husband is not superior to me on that inferior to him.

I don't want to be a hypocrite and do something I don't feel he has learned he doesn't deserve it.

I'm not gonna give him a license to do what he wants to do on the return of male patriarchy and female dominance. I'm not going to subject myself to emotional abuse lose a sense of identity or self or set the feminist team back 50 years.

But all these things. I'm really open to hearing what you have a tough intro. Well it's what were up against it seated disconnect between what women feel about honor and respect in what you and I as men feel we serve and die for honor, we don't see it is narcissistic. We honor each other and we die for each other, but when you talk about respecting a man then that mantra that I just went through is what women feel not mean-spirited, but that all women are fearful that they're going to be unloved in that process that they're going to be second rate and second class, but once we begin to unpack the power of showing respect for the spirit of man not respecting his bad behavior.

When you come across honoring to the spirit of an individual. No husband feels fond feelings of love and affection is hard for the wife he thinks despises who he is as a human being anymore than a woman is going responder husband who is harsh and angry there certain vulnerabilities. We all have, but we can remove the mail need from the radar screen and so we put it back on to say, if you want to motivate your husband the way in which you do that is by meeting the need.

He has especially during conflict and watch what happens will connect with you, you move toward you.

Rather than withdraw 85% new stone wall and withdrawal of the males and he'll stop doing that he'll stay engaged with you because he thinks you're using the topic as an opportunity to send a message that you don't like who he is as a human being in these principles. These wives, Jim began to apply to their boys instead of these boys withdrawing, stonewalling and just shutting down. The boys were staying engaged. They were actually looking at their mother.

They are actually responding.

They were actually soft in that response, and the mothers were blown away by that. How does that transform that relationship. They were to get into that very specifically but at the top level when a mom is supplying that that son with that respect what is being achieved. How's that response was it look like well I define it as a positive regard toward the spirit, your boy when you're spitting mad at him and with things that I want mothers to know is not to move into shame. Is there listening of this because mothers immediately begin to think of those moments where they've stepped over the line.

I want them just to relax here.

This is just an insight in addition to your love.

I want you to think about some vocabulary words that can soften him, especially when you're trying to get through to him. But in terms of the question you're asking. It's a positive regard toward his spirit. See the gestures of contempt that University of Washington study that females manifest her eyes darkened face turned sour hand on the hip scolding finger the side. The role of the eyes, the head goes back and when estrogen kicks in, the word choice of contempt is incredible. Women will fight with words okay but I say to you know do you speak disrespectfully to your husband yes but he should know, I didn't mean it I will stop midsentence. He should know I did in unison. All the women say mean it. I didn't mean it and mothers don't mean it toward their boys about the way in which that boy is filtering that is a mom is using this topic to send a message that she doesn't like William. She doesn't respect to IM and she finds me unacceptable and I can give an illustration between how mother would confront her teen daughter one night and the next night confront her teen son in the very same way and show you why there is a huge difference.

Forget it. Let's hear well suppose she's Tuesday night.

She's upset with her 13-year-old daughter and she's got a 14-year-old boy and she comes in she just rips in verbally to her daughter and they'll go back and forth at each other and then you will watch a few minutes later the both be on the bed, legs crossed, and they're going at it venting negatively and then the dog, so I'm sorry mom, I shouldn't say that we'll know honey I'm sorry I was out of line. I'm right, will you forgive me, I shouldn't upset the way I said it will yeah mom, I forgive you but you forget yes honey, then the hug to wipe away the tears and then once wittyon the start laughing in the hug and though good to go until that next episode in the do it again next night. She confronts her boy on the same thing teen boy and she comes at him and he just shuts down and withdraws and looks angry and so than what she do she ups the disrespect to get through to him until she sees tears in his eyes and those tears are not there because he's finally feeling her pain. It's like he's thinking my mom finds me disgusting. And even though I know mom loves me. I don't think she likes me and particularly when he moves into his teen years where there may be some things that she's discovered that shame him. Now he's filtering much of her behavior through those episodes that he feels ashamed about. Tell me what that team boy beyond what you just described how does that shaming do really deep damage to that boy who then becomes a man. What is the lingering effect of that shaming while I'm always cautious in that answering that because again I don't want that mother to feel like she is damaged her children. Mothers are very loving very nurturing very caring and they care deeply and they're very quick to go to the fact that I ruined my son. I ruined my family ruined heaven if I could ruin it. I've ruined everything I'm horrible and run. That's what she begins to feel silent. It takes a lot to really get a boy into deep shame so what I want to do is backpedal from that. But if every week you're ripping indium over tenure.

And basically communicating discussed, I just got a an email and were getting all these emails, a single mother who adopted several children and her son's great. He's very good in math but he had a 65 percentile and she saw the report card. She said on the way home I was and she said I knew the barrage of words.

I was gonna used to get him to get his grades up, but she just been listening to the audio on the mother and son, the respect the fact. And so she came in and she said son I don't understand what's going on here. I don't want to be dishonoring to. I don't want to be disrespectful but can you explain to me why you have these great abilities and why you have a 65% here. Can you help me understand this, because I'm not pleased, but I'm not trying to dishonor you right now but I'm upset because I expect more from you. He looked at her and he said I will take care of it.

Mom and she says he studied and brought his grades up to 95% and she said we did not have yelling tears and regret yelling, which is hurt his tears in her regret yelling tears and regret we did not experience and she said I was absolutely blown away when I use the vocabulary word. I'm not trying to diss you.

I'm not trying to dishonor you. I believe in you. I don't understand this. Can you solve this and she said it was over with but seek the point. There is there single mothers as well as regular mothers out there that you know have out, but they're doing that kind of thing week after week toward her boy because he's not performing, so they feel they have to up the disrespect they have to up the contempt and over a period of time. He'll just close off before he'll probably begin the instrument anyways what you're doing with that approach is you're raising the bar even higher and making them feel even more like a failure that they can attain it. And so I love the approach I love the thought of give them the responsibility. That's what men appreciate. That's what boys need to learn and they'll gravitate toward. That's what your site is usually someone we know in marriage and also hold joke is women tend to be empathy oriented but mentor solution oriented men think in terms of solution.

I try to help by solving it. What you can reverse that with your son and ask him how is he going to solve this problem appealed to him to solve the problem you're an honorable young man. This is unacceptable. I'm sure you and me. How can you solve this rather than telling them to solve it asking and watch what happens right in and then step back and let them allow hello Emerson, you talk about that crazy cycle you talk about that in marriage with love and respect you brought that thing you're describing it. I don't know that you've use the term yet, but make sure that we understand the vocabulary of the crazy psycho you described with the mom and the teenage daughter that there fine until the next eruption.

That's the crazy cycle right well the crazy cycle that we talk about between husband wife is without love. She reacts in ways that feel disrespectful to him. She not trying to be. That's how he processes that conflict when a man feels disrespected hands up, reacting the way that feels on loving her, like stonewalling, pulling back in that same dynamic happens between a mother and her son. They're not married, but it's a male-female issue, far above being a husband-wife issue and is that boy moves into manhood mothers and sons get on that crazy cycle and the were coaching mothers on how you can jump off of that much more quickly. Emerson you mention this respect talk back and forth. Why do you think mom's women struggle with that concept so much. It is at the root that they're seeking love their languages. Love and you're saying your sons are going understand that love is something that is critical to them.

Well, it is critical. Boys need love, they tend to be assured of a mothers love you ask the team boy does your mom love you share should note that exactly like you know she's liking right now and so in mothers will say I love my son but I don't like him right now. And mothers feel guilty about that. And so this and we need to clarify love and respect are not synonymous, and we respect a boss but we don't love our boss and you know we love our team boy but we don't always feel respect for him and so they crossover, but they're not synonymous, and what we have to look at is the fact that God has wired men to need something that mothers don't always track within this culture at this time but God designed mothers to love women love to love you have to wound a woman at the level of intimacy to get her to stop loving but she is this nurture the caregiver and she just is energized to love. She wants to do that.

But what she doesn't always understand is that she can communicate in a way that feels disrespectful to her boy. She can be motivated to do the loving thing, but it comes across very disrespectful and that's why she doesn't always see it and I don't know why, as a culture we haven't paid closer attention. Instead, we seemingly have put the onus back on the boy who is shutting down that there's something inherently wrong with him rather than maybe just stepping back for a moment insane. Could we just say a few things differently. So for instance if she's really upset and she's just spitting mad and just you know I say, you don't have to become robotic or mechanical. This will you be yourself, but you say I'm very upset with you right now. I can't believe that you disregarded what I told you to do and I was very specific and I even let a note I'm not trying to say this to diss your dishonor you. I believe anymore I think you believe in yourself and I see you becoming an honorable man, but for the life of me I can't believe why you did that I don't respect what you did, but I respect you gotta take a five-minute timeout because I think of to kill you right now and will come back and visit this respectfully does that sound like a good game plan. A lot of times a boy will grin he's never heard that kind of vocabulary he will actually look at mom and it was.

Same thing of the father says I don't how to do this loving thing you know my father didn't love and I'm trying to be more loving to use my tender daughter I would die for you. I can't believe what you did hear how I do this lovingly.

I don't know how to be as loving as I want to be.

I feel horrible as Amanda doesn't have a love but I'm so spitting that we need to take a timeout want to do the loving thing here, but I don't know how to do.

I'm so mad.

Every daughter would probably start the agreement that if he's never done that was so right about what you're saying is you're affirming the child as a person is someone created in the image of God without embracing the behavior which you have to deal with. Always, we do not respect bad behavior that's stupid. We don't love unacceptable behavior, but we lovingly and respectfully confront that behavior even as you're going through that kind of script of how it could be Emerson is a boy really hear mom talking as you just did and think she respects me because I mean, the tone of what you said could be taken by some to mean she really hates me right now.

I just blew my life apart. You could be, but my experience is no same thing with football coach is channeling Matt in the locker room that were behind 14 points. I expect more of you guys you guys are the greatest athletes I've ever coach I can't believe will wrap now but you know it do boy suddenly think all the coach hates us, so it again vocabulary is why this is so exciting and the point there is mothers don't have to suddenly become something they're not.

You just need to add a few vocabulary words that I'm talking about so that he knows that the real reason here for you.

Confronting him is the behavior, not that you're using. This topic is another opportunity to send a message to find them despicable as a human being because that's what he's feeling particularly if he's failed to raise feeling inadequate and we need to quote Chante Phil Hans research of the 400 American males that decision analyst Houston did and they ran it again because they were blown away by the Stetson Shawnee called me and said hey here's one of the questions I'd like to include you think I should do and I said absolutely.

And the question was this would human rather be left alone and unloved in the world will be viewed as inadequate and disrespected by everyone. Almost 75% of the men said they'd rather be left alone and unloved in the world. So we have to refrain from this message. Do not say to a man your inadequate as a human being and I don't respect you because of it. You can say what you did was inadequate and I don't respect what you did but that's conduct unbecoming of who I really believe you to be just that way of saying it can take that relationship and turn it completely.

Let's unpack some of those vocabulary words that you're mentioning and you've done some of that but what are some of those buzzwords that mom should refrain from using and maybe get rid of them out of their lexicon. One when it comes to dealing with your son. Well, I mean, just as we would say no father should use any kind of vocabulary that suggest that he hates his daughter right. I mean, is there any vocabulary word that the dad may be using that would suggest that that daughters going to hear that you really hate me, and if there's any message that he sense that is that so mothers assess the back is there any vocabulary word that I'm using that would cause my son to think that I don't respect him that I've contempt toward him that I despise who you is that I find them unacceptable as a human being that is less than the auto be and those are the words that we need to refrain from but I still give a lot of grace to a mother who blows it just long as she comes back and said look I wasn't trying to dishonor your heart, your cream image of God and I believe in you, son. That's why I'm so upset I sometimes don't think you believe in yourself as much as I believe in you see that you read about countless moms will contact Focus on the Family here we get this a lot in there saying basically listen, my son needs to earn my respect and describe that environment and is what she saying accurate or is that something you give, you don't earn it.

It's something that your son deserves from you, even if they're behaving inappropriately. This is a cultural teaching that respect must be earned respect must be deserved and if they have not earned it.

They don't deserve it and I'm not gonna give it, and I'll say that's that's understandable will feel that that would be better to say we earn the respect in some ways on the behavior for you doing well you know were honored we get on her for things we do.

So there's a performance component to that all of us would agree with. However, let's just think for a moment.

So now your son does not earn has learned he doesn't deserve it.

What's the logic of this.

Where you going to go with this. So now you can say he deserves your disrespect.

He deserves your contempt. He deserves you to say he's despicable. He deserves that you say these inadequate if you bring this to its logical conclusion, then what you're saying is I can show contempt toward him all day long because he doesn't deserve it and I'm going to say that is one of the biggest mistakes we could ever make with any human being because no human being. Response to contempt. So what the mothers are basically saying is I'm not feeling that respect toward them, because it is misbehavior that's correct or not asking a few respect.

Will Raskin use respectfully confront that which he's done.

That's not respectable because if you don't. If you show contempt toward his spirit.

That's the same thing as a father showing harshness and anger toward his daughter because she's not performing at the level that he wants but as a result of his harshness and anger.

She starts you know performing at the level that he wants but you can lose her heart, and you lose your son's heart if you continue to show contempt. So we have to then talk about unconditional respect being equal to unconditional love and what are we talking about God calls the husband to love his wife unconditional. That is mean, honey, you know, I know you're committing adultery with the neighbors. So just continue on because I'm assuring that I'm unconditional. My love, we say that's stupid unconditional doesn't mean you give another person licensed to do what they want. Unconditional love means there's no situation, no circumstance, no condition that can get me to ever hate you. I love who you are, what you're doing is unacceptable. But there's nothing you will ever do to get me to hate you unconditional respect is an oxymoron. We all understand unconditional love. But it's a contradiction in terms, when you say unconditional respect, but unconditional respect means you save your husband you say to any human being.

You say this is mean it's easy. It just means this is true, there's nothing you can do. There's no condition there's no situation.

There is no circumstance that can get me to show you contempt for who you are as a human being. Why, because this is who I am as a person. This isn't about who you fail to be as a person. I'm to be a loving soul with your lovable or not I'm to be a respectful human being is a mother I'm to be a woman of dignity who communicates.

Respectfully, even though what you done is not respectable.

So where does a mom who feels that her son hasn't earned respect or that he so disrespectful she can't possibly meet him there.

How does she start to get out of that well again this is why the methods that she's been using.

We ask are they working see this.

Why think so many mothers are frustrated with their boys and the implication of this is staggering. So I'm not here to say that the way she's approaching it may be totally wrong because I can't speak to every situation.

But if her son is pulling away from her and she knows that women intuitively know that then just try this, don't do it as a theory. I believe God and his word and the best research is pointing out this meeting other persons need your meeting your sons need and you're not losing power and one of the first questions most mother so I need him to respect me.

Yes, honor of father mother and I wrote 300 pages in the love and respect family book that addresses that all about how to get your son to honor and respect you, but the other side is you got understand if you can expect him to honor you and you can't dishonor him to motivate him to honor you and what is it mean that as a mother to come across in a respectful honoring ways a model of the very thing you're expecting and paying attention to the innocent ways that you come across in these gestures of contempt as I say, if you misrepresent your deepest heart. He's going to misinterpret your deepest heart is probably a good idea to to come to stop the cycle when you're not in it right mean to be proactive about. I think Sarah and I get on the crazy cycle in our marriage and we have to all over get in the crazy psyche have to at least identify what's going on here so that you can call a timeout like I did without that mother you know St. Louis take a timeout here because otherwise you suddenly to realize the issues no longer the issue and that's the problem.

Once we get in that point were your spirit is deflating as a mother, and his spirit is deflating. Now you're probably on the crazy cycle.

You're feeling unloved and disrespected.

Now you can react in a way the policy was disrespectful to him and when he feels dissed as a young boy, he's gonna react in a way that feels on loving you and he's going to probably to shut down because that's what he's protecting himself.

He's not trying to be disrespectful toward you. He's guarding his heart and you want to get out of that crazy cycle because the damage long-term will be tough and this is why were talking about the hammer submitted has flown by.

Because of I think the interest here were three guys talking about it, but I think many many mom sibling than to say help me do this better, I can feel it and we need to keep going and come back next time and talk more about this great work that you put together. Mother and son, the respect the fact that you have tapped into what I believe the spiritual truth here with the love and respect message right out of Ephesians you got it.

And now you're applying that to the parenting role and I think it is right on the money.

So it's been great. Let's come back have more discussion about it. Look to will invite you to get a copy of Emerson enriches book mother and son, the respect effect get in touch with us here at Focus on the Family and then we also have a CD or download of this program to listen to again or to share with others and additional parenting helps always available. Our number is 800 the letter a and the word family 800-232-6459 or follow the link in the episode notes and we also have a link to a free parenting assessment that is so helpful. Be sure to take a few minutes and check that out in Jon, I would ask our friends to support this ministry. It's an invitation to be part of it and that we need your partnership to help us serve parents every day through our broadcast podcast magazines, counseling, and so much more with the gift of any amount will say thank you by sending a copy of mother and son, the respect effect joy. The support team. Donate. As you can and request that book when you call 800 K thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team on John Fuller inviting you back tomorrow we'll hear more from Dr. Emerson and Rich as we once again help you and your family arrived in Christ you now nearly 60% of American adults don't have a will in place big number and having a well can leave a heavy burden for family left behind if you need a well but don't know where to begin. Focus on the Family help download resource 15 questions to ask when preparing a well it's our gift to you@focusonthefamily.com/prepare my well that's focusonthefamily.com/prepare my well