Helping Teen Girls Love Their Families Well (Part 1 of 2)

Nothing like a quiet moment to myself to listen why you just sound like reasonable and I have been there one old don't insert yourself into that one family relationships, messy. There are no perfect families. Good teams we've had moments like that were the most global overflow really all you and if you can relate to that rather uncomfortable same.

Stay tuned. We've got some help for you got a teen or preteen or several in the home. This is Focus on the Family your hostess focus president and author Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller, John. We hear from so many parents who know that struggle so well what you said and let's face it during those teen years, our kids are changing right before our eyes and they get bigger. It's harder to control them and their needs and wants changes. Well, they're trying to figure out who they are as they are growing and they want us to back off from that control that we as parents are naturally fall into not you never been at spades is the process it can be hard for us.

I'm seeing Jean and I struggle with that right now and we have those little cues for each other like time to pack just by saying but it's so hard for teens. Think about it so much is changing for them to their bodies, their hormones, both teen girls and teen boys. So today we want to help you as a parent and as a teen better navigate these conflicts and give you some of those good tools to disagree better within the context of your loving home yet.

We should mention that this is a program primarily for healthier families. Not perfect. As I said were talking with moms and dads who aren't dealing with addiction issues or depression. Depression serious dysfunction.

We have other broadcasts and resources for you. This program is a tuneup for families that just want to get a little bit better family 101.

That's the way I would say it and I want to say.

If you are dealing with other tougher issues. Call us. We have counselors here that are able to assist you.

I guess today is a former guest many times, actually on the program Jesse Minassian. Jesse is an author, speaker, blogger, and she has a passion for mentoring young women.

She's written a great book called family how to love yours and help them like you love the title. Jesse welcome back, even in that title that is such a mom title you know if I can love them enough to where they'll like me just screams mom tonight dads I think are more like you know what, I love you like you can if you love me back right. If not, whatever. I'm thinking teen girls perspective.

I mean, we want to try to live our family. Well, that the truth is when we do that make it easier for our family to let us to. We can be a little bit hard to deal with sometimes esteemed well I like that for a mom just say love and be liked can take some of the tension that you have a wonderful website to life loving God.com that's a good title thinking that we had it for a dozen years now.

It's a place where teen girls can calm and get answers to questions about anything under the sun that's good, life loving God.com. Remember that hey lets you start into the book. So what are some common themes that you see in teen girls and teen boys when it comes to this topic of how I break away from my parents. And yeah, it's interesting everything that I would imagine that freedom would be the number one topic that we may get at the truth is more often were seeing these teens to surprise have brokenness in their families and they don't want to repeat that for the next generation and said there wondering how do I along with my family. First of all, but then also how do I keep this from entering into my future family and the start of the impetus for writing family and I mean I come from that typical American family and broken in all sorts of ways.

Yours, mine and ours. That's and so it was a difficult choice to write this book. At first, but then thought well if God can use the brokenness I experience in my family to help encourage these teens to the truth as the majority of kids are growing up with some sort of brokenness or dysfunction, and the truth is, it's always been that way. I just don't think there's been a perfect family right. Maybe since Adam and Eve before the fall, and they had, they did have children quite yet. I think that would've taken down. The point of it is I love that part of story that brokenness something God thrives in that and I'm so grateful for the witness that you are that you didn't become better but you embrace you know what circumstances you are in and then you change from there and you embrace God and God uses that but for the listeners that don't know that let's go back to us quickly and mention what that brokenness was like for you as a little girl sure about for me. My mom had me out of wedlock. She had me on the ship moved away from her family in the Midwest and come out to California to start a life of her own and then found that she was pregnant and she ended up choosing to keep me which is a beautiful story in and of itself is just unite for quite some time. A single mom and this young girl and then she married my stepdad who was a very new baby Christian. As was my mom and there was a lot of baggage there that that the Holy Spirit had had time to work through yet I'm in so my stepbrothers and my younger half-sister and I grew up in a home that was filled with a lot of anger and misunderstanding a lot of tension between my parents and there were nights when sadly I would pray that they would get divorced, just that there would be a little bit of peace and I'm so thankful that they did stick it out now looking in retrospect that there is a lot of confusion and hurts and compounded on top of all of that was my belief that the entire universe revolved around me and so all of this dysfunction was obviously affecting me, and as a teenager.

Surprisingly normal in all relate to that way especially if we have that's for sure is effective 14 you thought about running away because it was okay with emotions like what I think first of all freshman year for any teenage girl is just wonky. It's just hard you're trying to figure out who you are where you belong and then add to that family drama and in my mind in the universe were everything and everyone revolved around me. My dad was at the center of most of the conflict my stepdad and it seemed like he was unreasonable that I can do anything right that he was always angry and I was just done.

And so I decided I was going to run away. At least I thought I will.

And so I started stuffing my backpack with various and sundry items like the $10 I had to help Ray and my getaway vehicle was a pair of roller blades that my older brother had given me and I'm thinking about that something like got my wind cannot really lay down the street and then I realize that because my brother had been into trick rollerblading there were any breaks on these rollerblade only breaks when he is out to get in the way.

Seth is a very new rollerblade are not great and I looked out my window and I lived in the mountains and it was deep down hill to right and left and I just had this vision of myself careening down my street and crashing in a tumbled method the bottom and that was the end of my runaway plan was that I was not upset to take at that. I think it was that the start of not perfectly but deciding if I'm to stand. Might as well stay well and make the most of what I can in this family and it was the beginning of a long process of sort of getting outside of myself and seeing my family around me will that it sounds like you found that pretty much on your own.

How does a parent speaking to parents. Right now I'm enrolling in and going out got a teenager help me as a parent help broaden that perspective, it was your rollerblade hillocks. What is a tyrant do that but it was also the work of the Holy Spirit. As I leaned into God and start to see who he wise a change to. I saw myself as an start to look at others the way that God wants us to.

That's really interesting point because we want to learn from you people are listening right now. I think because we want to be better parents, etc. sometimes it's not for you to do and that's a hard lesson she joked that I wrote this, but family for my kids that they would appreciate it really is a work of the Holy Spirit. It's for them and it's for us and for us. We've had a hopefully more years at this than they have and his parents, assorted cracks open our selfishness and allows us to see that there are others that we have to care for, but they haven't had that experience I would say one thing. As we talk to so many great experts here at the ministry is to broaden their experience by volunteering and doing some things outside of the home.

I think that makes for a more generous heart is a teenager that they can see poor people are taken to a soup kitchen help and that way I think those experiences can help absolute proof way I was going to make it if we can't do the changing to everything you can. As a parent to put them in situations where I can do his thing put them in an environment where they can see in the I think that's one of the best things you can do family secret was another aspect of my attention. Describe what your family secret and what is very secret. I discover it was much less glamorous that much more life-changing. As I was looking through the universe that we all know and love Romans 828 God works all things together for the get at this, you love him the very next verse starts out with the word for which we know it to be a cause of injunction. That means that we better pay attention to what came before because this is the reason behind that old John did you know for was a causal conjunction loss for reasons I got everything together for good is because God knew his people in advance so there's that knowledge and I would add, and he knew the family was stick you in and he chose them.

He chose us to become like his son. The whole point of God working everything together.

Forget is that we would become more like Jesus Christ and the secret I found is that God stuck us in our broken cracked families on purpose because what better training grounds to practice Christlike selflessness and patience and unconditional love and all those things that are really easy to do when you have like casual relationships of people you stick people under one roof where you're not fast and people rubbed me the wrong way and it's really hard to grow in Christ likeness.

I truly believe for that brief window that I was not living with my first family or starting my second family. I was really holy.

I was really right when I have a family to live with. I have an anger issue.

I was pretty much then led right now I'm just to realize this great reason that God has us and families is to become more like Christ.

But it is set selflessness.

You know the whole thing. Marriage existing in this world is about becoming more like Christ, becoming more selfless and it really rubs the flesh the wrong direction is not who we want to be another thing this is so common is the attitude issue change in your work with a lot of teen girls but let me tell you this attitude so the question there a lot of parents that I talked to one bill, be shocked that others are experiencing. If you look at the Smith's 13 son 13 daughter so well behaved. Our kids are like those kids you know the discussion that goes on to address that issue of attitude it exists, what is a teenager going through and what is apparent going through to both camps offer teens I was just speaking recently at a residential center for teens have had so much trouble at home or you know in life that there that they needed time out basically away from their family. Afterwards a girl came up to me and said Jesse did you ever like with your mom really want to be nice but just like selfish grumpy teeth. I took over your body and like the thing skimming out of your mouth just weren't what you wanted. Yeah. Yes, there is something about the teenage years, this crazy king cocktail of hormones and craving independence and becoming your own person, but still wanting to be part of the family that make for some really volatile emotions, and there's no one easy step to fix that. I think even girls who love God, even guys you love God sometimes have a really hard time being respectful at home I roll really is a very effective tool to communicate a whole host of emotions) like I think your closer lame site. You're so unfair. Everything can be communicator than Errol and that… Act, anything goes back to our heart that my role is so indicative at that heart and motion of rebellion or pride or whatever it is that there wrestling with.

So it really does go back again to the Holy Spirit doing transformative work in their hearts and then asked his parents, modeling what it looks like to control our emotions and to not Attitude with our kids either of you guys are guilty of this is so true. Sometimes I catch my daughter giving you the same attitude that I'm giving her and it really ugly and embarrassing, but I've got a model that for her of what it looks like to show honor to occur to them to both of my daughters even when I'm irritated with it so hard and that's the trigger point where we get pushed the button in the sketch portion we get right down in the gutter with all always think to myself in the adult come to that realization. What what what were you doing down here with this guy you mentioned and you don't hear a lot about this, but the fifth commandment, Saul asked the listeners okay buddy, what's the first commandment you're going to murder someone. Honor your mother and father writing talk about that when much and when you bring it up now just a little test of three. Have you brought that up and go down with the Bible says to your father. You're not honoring me right now as you don't deserve what what is the importance of that were were laughing with that but there is something God is trying to say something to me and honor me as I was looking at that fit commandment. The first four are teaching us how to honor God himself and then right after that, the first relational commandment is honor your father and mother. It wasn't don't murder wasn't don't cut all the biggies that I feel like went along with the lightning and thunder that was going on.

Your spot.

It was honor your father and mother in Malta on the more I thought me and if it's true that family is the best place for us to learn how to honor and obey people when they don't deserve it. When their rules are unfair when they don't get everything right. Isn't that the perfect training ground to honor God himself because we don't always understand his methods. We don't always like his discipline. We don't always understand where he's going with things and so I think he gave us that commandment.

Honor your father and mother because that's how we learn to honor God himself. So true. Okay, so how do we do this one Jesse. And how do we help our children see that this is a step toward honoring God, but it starts with me. I think maybe the best way would be for us to start with us as parents because that honor your father and mother is the first step in learning to honor God. But were always under submission. I mean, thinking about our relationship with our spouse or our boss or the government. All these situations that God places us and where we still have to learn to honor and sometimes obey people or institutions that when we don't agree with their methods or their discipline or their reasoning for us to shell and then make that verbal connection with 13 like I'm asking you to honor me because I know that God's gonna bless you, even if I don't get everything right because I'm not going to get everything right, God will bless you for choosing to honor and obey your authority figure. Just like I am doing X, Y, and Z to honor God through the relationships that he's put me in you also talk in the book about trust complete trust and limited freedom is the core.

I love that it's a struggle for teens and parents to learn that trust in that freedom, balance, and usually the teens would say your freedom metric is way out of balance. Mom you don't trust me enough. What have I done to break the trust on generally really a good person. Patients so how do parents and teens navigate the trust idea with limited freedom or more freedom yeah this is a huge thing for me to learn to recognize as I was what I was hearing from a lot of girls. They were saying. My parents say they trust me, but they won't let me do anything anything nothing nothing everything but what what I was fine with me, and it is possible and there's several relationships in our lives, not just from a team to their parent where we have absolute or complete trust from someone else, but we don't have complete freedom. There's limited freedom. In one example is in the marriage relationship. I trust my husband completely he trust me completely. We have a foundation of trust in our marriage. That's been built over 15 years. We still have limited our freedom on purpose from one another. We have each other's passwords for everything.

We check with each other if were going to be alone with a number of the opposite sex week and always consult each other for can make plans that affect the other person. We limit our own freedom and the freedom of the other person in the name of trust and I think that the key for parents and their kids to understand is that I can completely trust my daughters but that doesn't mean that that comes with unlimited freedom. Yeah, I love that I don't necessarily have to limit their freedom and to help them maintain that trust been that caution precautionary measures you want to take you, marriage and parenting lies to protect its humility right it's realizing I am vulnerable. I am not invincible, and so I need someone else to help me maintain those boundaries. Now, if a team can get to that point really hard to do for a team. But if, as parents if we can explain that difference and again bring up in conversation. The places where you have limited your freedom. Whether it's your relationship with the Lord opened the spouse or boss to show them that it doesn't mean you can't still have a great time. Jesse in previous broadcast we did talk about your crusher hall across those teen years or so it can be so full of that you know you go from crushed or crushed across the sky talk to me this girl talk to me know what to do. You know those things happen. It's a normal part of the teen experience. So I want you to talk about that crusher hall is and how you got over that are how you discerned it over and over those years and what advice you might have for Baron Sanford for paint.

It definitely is part of the teen years and I don't think we only talk about it with our team. They had a healthy view at the difference between admiration and attraction, all those things we've talked about on previous broadcast. I think playing into this idea of limited freedom. This is a perfect example of where parents do need to step in and limit their kids freedom even though they do trust them explicitly and at perfect example of this might dad was a little bit strict in what we are allowed to do. And then there was this dance in my small town and I'm over the moon. I was so excited because word was that will call him dreamy boy. I will call him DB is so he was to be at the dance and I heard that he wanted me to be there and I was over them and I mean this was like to be the teen movie spec secular moment that my young heart had been craving and I was already to go in before the dance. My dad said you can't go and I was devastated. I was pretty sure my entire social life was dead. From that point on and I tried every phrase in the back. But why and he is just like note that you can't go crushing right. But what I didn't realize then what I learned later, was dreamy. Boy wasn't exactly as dreamy as I previously thought.

And even if I had that teen movie spectacular moment. My dad protected me from probably a whole summer of regret not have the greatest reputation I was young and vulnerable and really craving attention and that probably would not have ended well. My dad didn't even realize it at the time he didn't know why wanted to go so bad that he trust his intuition and save me limit my freedom and ended up even with the hassle to cure your course and all those things that went on that later. I was able to think him as an adult. We talked about how to reduce friction. All that sometimes are just going to be friction you need to accept, especially in the parenting role were you. You just know the right thing to do and you got to do it just you mentioned a few times in your interwoven dad and stepdad and I know you're speaking of the same that speak to that issue of having a father who's not your biological father is your stepdad, and it's nice that you referred him. His father, and I think that's a good thing, but that was when your biggest struggles is your relationship with this man who came in your life little wider. I don't know what age 5. Five when you married your mom speak to his leadership in that struggle that you did have was that worse than you thought it would be have good moments and bad moments will look like at night. Stepdad have always called dad and I've never called him anything else until having to differentiate for the suspect and it was a really rough growing up but you know as as an adult now looking back on it, something that has struck me so profoundly because her number as I'm a kid and a teenager. The world revolves around me and so everyone must love me unconditionally just sort of a given who wouldn't let me an adult. Looking back on it now I can see how he chose to take me on. He said that I was a cute but precocious little five-year-old who needed a lot of discipline and I he's probably right about that and even though I didn't agree with his discipline methods or the anger that he had learned from multiple generations of abuse that he was trying he chose to love me. He went to all of my sporting games. He let me wear his favorite sweatshirt. Like every time he came out of the wash and he told me he was proud of me and those things now as an adult looking. I am just so grateful that he would do that and I did as a kid I wondered with things been different if my mom and Mary. My biological father. If I even knew who he was and he know how how things would change but looking back on it now. II see that God not secret that he had wanted to make me more like Christ.

That was the perfect family to do that and that is beautiful and what a great place to land today.

I do want to come back next time, pick up the conversation and talk more about teens and their parents and manage these years, more constructively, not perfectly. Most likely, but more constructively. This is great stuff just about your book family how to love yours and help them like you back. Thank you for that encouragement and especially you know, I know you've written this to teen daughters to help them and help their parents better understand what it does apply to boys as well and a lot of the student. If you have a child who is growing up in your home you happen to be a teenager I want to get a copy of this book in your hand so right is here if you can't afford it will get it to you.

Just contact us and if you can give us a gift for any amount will say thank you by sending the book along to donate and get a copy of Jesse's book when you call us are numbers 800 K in the word family or the link is in the episode and be sure to check out real magazine magazine for teen girls and really helpful as you guide your daughter through the culture and relationships around details real magazine in the episode of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back.

As we continue the conversation with Jesse Minassian and what to get help your family thrive in Christ. Everything about Brio can actually work.

Learn reaching teen girls right where they're at with encouragement well in their faith story magazine about everything way were I have really inspiring and help your team invite into her everyday experience with premium. Learn more@focusonthefamily.com/Brio radio