Improving Your Sex Life to Improve Your Marriage (Part 1 of 2)

Is it possible to love your spouse without expecting anything in return.

Focus on the Family were excited about season five of the Leffingwell podcast. I'm John Fuller and I'll be joined by my friends and colleagues, Dr. Greg Smalley and his wife Aaron as we discussed practical ways, love and appreciation to your mission will find the Leffingwell podcast had Focus on the Family.com/Leffingwell that's focusonthefamily.com/Leffingwell today on Focus on the Family will be addressing a significant issue impacting every marriage, physical intimacy, and this is going to be a very frank, godly discussion for husbands and wives and we do recommend you direct the attention of younger listeners elsewhere. Let's start off with an observation from author and speaker Gary Thomas vastly more important than anything I might ever write about sex is almost ridiculous to say this is what God has written about sex and so often we don't understand the way that God speaks of sex in such high terms and with such celebration that one thing alone says so much about how God views sex does prayer is really important in the Christian life.

But there is a single book in the Bible devoted exclusively to prior finances are all over Scripture, there isn't a single book in the Bible devoted exclusively to how we handle our finances when you think about is really one block that has one central focus and guess what that book is song songs you're with me will hear a lot more from Gary Thomas and also Deborah Foley who have cowritten a landmark book called married.

Six.

A Christian couple's guide to reimagining your love life. Thanks for joining us today. This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller, John, this is one topic that most married couples and even single adults are intensely interested in life think that's great. I mean this is an area of where we need to seek healthiness because it is a gift from God, but in the Christian community.

We hardly ever mentioned that we hardly ever talk about it. The world has taken it over and it's like taboo for us to to discuss it and I totally disagree with that if you want to know why our teens are twentysomethings don't have a healthy perspective on sexuality because we in the church are not talking about this great gift that God gives us in the context of marriage to enjoy and yet there just seems to be so many crippling things that happen around this topic and I think we should be leading the way, the most satisfied people should be the Christian community in this area because we're celebrating the very gift God has given us yeah and and we know that there are couples struggling with really practical matters. There are some who are struggling because of past wounds.

This is a celebration of the gift as you said Jim of sexuality in marriage and were really looking forward to the conversation today. If I John, I was shocked by one statistic that are get shared in their book, more than 80%. That's 4/5 couples have some kind of sexual issue in their marriage and that's alarming but it shows you the need and I would hope that with our partners the Christian stations along with all of you, the listeners and those watching on YouTube.

This again is important for us to talk about and to embrace not run from it and we have some great gases I mentioned here in the studio with Osuna Gary Thomas has been on a number of times with us often talking about the spiritual dimensions of marriage and parenting and so much more and he's authored more than 20 books and Deborah for later is a professional counselor, speaker and author and she hosts a very popular podcast called love and relationships. Deborah Gary welcome to focus. Thank you.

Thank you. You seem a little hesitant home apart from home for me. I decided to talk about this. I hope I hope the listeners and viewers are as well. It's like you said in that clip. Gary yeah there is a book in the Bible that's dedicated to this now what you think the subtler not-so-subtle messages there from the Lord.

It's an invitation for us to explore what a blessing this is. It speaks of the goodness of God and the kindness of God that he created us with bodies that have nerve endings and that we can share that in marriage at the clinic creates within marriage what it does for our brains relationally. What it does for us physically and I believe what it can do for spiritually worshiping the God who created us. That way I said before, it's not just the active physical intimacy that I'm after.

It's the smiles that come a couple hours later when a couple is been together and enjoyed each other and he looked out across the table and said we had a good time and Deborah, the thing that I guess is so subtle and under the radar forces everybody this when I talk about seriously conflicted marriages that have deep issues and the physical intimacy component is an area that those issues are showing forthright.

I mean that'll show up in the bedroom for sure, but generally were talking about generally healthy marriages here that can do better if they can concentrate on this aspect of the relationship. Yeah, no, no marriage is perfect and when you talked about the 80% of couples earlier who struggle at some point in your marriage, whether it's a honeymoon or a decade in there's going to be problems and I think part of that the dilemma where facing is we don't talk enough about the problems and so when people face those problems, they start to panic. I start to worry, they start to think something is terribly wrong. Rather than being prepared to handle some of the problems, let me ask you. I mean, you're obviously representing all women here at the table want to put in that context guys tend to run pretty solo and I don't know that we talk that much unless were trying to build up our own self-worth with other men in this area the women share their pain more openly with each other here and I just don't know seriously when women get together they talk about kind of the downside of their sexual relationship with her husband is at open discussion typically year work at the end of the day. I don't think it's a very open conversation for anyone and may we took a survey and it was so surprising to see that the majority of couples reported that they either Google problems that come up with their sex life to get information or they don't do any research at all and they just try to figure it out on their own sources. Extremes such as extreme and that nobody is really talking about. This is not one of those things that you can go to Starbucks and have a conversation about with your friends what you come up in Bible study now and I think Christian couples are struggling in isolation, and so I this is why I'm excited about this resource because it will offer our readers an opportunity to have these really important conversations. Some of them for the very first time, there are limitations to books, but with this one topic in particular is why think a book was really helpful because a lot of issues that couples don't talk about and probably shouldn't in small groups to be honest, so we want to create a resource. Sometimes the hangup is theological.

People don't realize how much the Bible celebrates such a and gives practical advice would have chapters we talk about the sun sons leading the way. Sometimes it's relational.

Deborah has a whole section about, you know it's relational problem or a sexual problem and so we wanted a book that could address okay this is a relational issue. Sometimes it's a physical problem. Sex is a physical act and there are certain things that you have to perfect and that you can learn from and sometimes just a boredom problem you had sex for a long time and you kind of run out of ideas and you just fallen into a rut and what we were able to do by interviewing so many couples changing the names and making anonymous we have just tons of practical ideas were couples of said this was so helpful or this inspired us or this encourage just that you really shouldn't share in a small group that you want to know that about people you're sitting next to. But in this context, we are able to get very specific and helpful. So whether it's theological, relational, physical, or just practical ideas. I think a book is really the form to get this information out there that was one of the punches were to give that were not going to cover all the great content that you have in the books of people need to get it that I think people want to get this actually limit go back to a more general question though and that is you describe sex as both the greatest blessing and the greatest pain that couples can experience in marriage and that kind of says it all. The joking side of me would say I think which side generally men would go with and what side generally women would go with but that too is a stereotype. Nothing is that straight any longer in the culture.

Even in the Christian culture. It's like an 8020 rule. And so with that context. Why is that both the highest of highs in the marriage relationship and sometimes the lowest of lows.

I think some of the greatest validation and affirmation can come from a healthy sex life but also some of the deepest rejection and abandonment can come from an unhealthy sex life is messy when you're not talking about it. You can read in between the lines of what you think that the lack of intimacy is saying and so a lot of people are struggling with the reading in between the lines and not actually having open honest conversations about what's going on deep down inside of them emotionally. I took a swing a few minutes ago with the idea that difficulties in your intimacy can often start in other areas and it's simply the symptom. What are those lists of things. A couple should be aware of that they might be struggling with that affects them in the bedroom that it could be negative or positive. Here's a negative one woman said to Gary, I'd love to have a better relationship in the bedroom with my husband but here's a problem. Everything I do is wrong, I don't drive right. I don't cook right. I don't clean right and raise the kids right I probably don't even pray right and she so at the end of the day. I know he's judging what's happening between the sheets as I'm just tired of being criticized by land that can't be placed over that. That's not a sexual issue. That's a criticism issue.

That's a relationship issue that's holding him back on the positive and mom I said I would love this. She said Gary is my husband, which is pray with me that he would be able to handle me in bed, he'd be crying long before the night is ham and vinegar.

Try that before you touch my body touch my soul. While insects will be the natural response of this not a promise is not a guarantee but just recognizing that as Deborah says in the book sexual problems almost never usually exclusively about sex or to be something negative. Removing the desire or the lack of a positive that keeps the desire from being at its peak. Gary, I trust you. You're an author of great books on marriage, but I want to get Deborah's input is true. Touch your soul and you have you have the rest of the number one thing that women said in order to arouse their body have to start by arousing their heart like that is the gateway and if that's not there then everything else is going to fall short and with so much of what we learned in doing research and writing this book is that women are saying that they really need you to connect with them emotionally. And what happens above the sheets, fuels, what happens underneath the sheets and that is something that I think we don't give enough value to when we having this conference. Oh my goodness, I mean men yeah it's hard for us to think that way. It's microwave it's not crockpot and I mean what if speaking to the men as a woman. How do we rearrange our thinking that way because so much of it is rooted in desires his bowl desire. We just want to get right to the point and no go.

So what, how would you and your counseling session with the man who is not building into that. That emotional intimacy. What would you say to him to do some things differently in some simple things to build emotional intimacy is just by checking in with your spouse asking them how they're doing. I'm really listening when they're talking seeing what they need to help them and to care for them and I think it's important to take that physical drive that you have for sacks and feet as a holistic thing you know if we really want to make the most of our physical intimacy with God. Also make sure that were hosting our emotional and spiritual intimacy. The act of just praying with your spouse.

We mentioned earlier, but there's so much power in that emotional and spiritual intimacy that you can have with your spouse want to talk about cherishing Mike my book a marriage about cherishing the distinction I make.

That's relevant here is that we need to use sex to chairs, our spouse not use her spouse to cherish sex and survives understand if were more interested in an act or in them. Is it mutually pleasurable are do we get our greatest pleasure from seeing her pleasure. Is it the kind of sex that builds her up and affirms her beauty and her wonder is it sex it makes her feel used or demeaned and if were focused on her pleasure and her well-being, then I think it's something that's serving a relationship, but really there three markers of healthy sexuality that we have to point men toward first.

It's gotta be mutually pleasurable. God designed both of our bodies to experience this healthy sex. One partner isn't feeling used. They're both feeling like there pleasure matters as much as the other. Second thing it needs to build up the relationship. It's the kind of thing where you feel closer to each other not manipulated, not controlled, certainly not abused or even used in third. I think as Christians.

It needs to be a worshipful experience sex designed as God designed it is one that makes us. Thank him as a creator and were not wincing were like Lord, thank you. You created us.

This is your idea, we can celebrate it because of you.

So if we both felt pleasure in our bodies closer to each other and more worshipful of God, those of the three markers of healthy marital sexuality.

I think every husband needs aspire. That's what I want to happen every time that is really good and ordinary continue to unfold.

That and I know this is give you at least a couple of the pics that were getting out here Deborah Lemanski you heard of the story. I think it's a great illustration of couple that found a bowl at a garage sale, but share the story and let's see if the listeners go out and find bowl. This is really good yeah couple went out garage sailing and they found this three dollar ball they took it home.

Later on they find out it's actually worth $2.2 million. It was this ancient Chinese artifact material will in their possession.

Variable anything not so indicative of what we do with the gift of sex we've taken away its value in this culture, you know, each sleeping okay and what we have in our possession. Is this unbelievable gift that we don't even realize we have because we don't always know what it is we don't always know how to make the most of it.

We don't always understand God's design for it and so it keeps us stuck Gary in that opening clip that we played you reference the song of Solomon or the song of songs what what is so important for us to know about the title song of songs. It's an ancient near Eastern phrase that elevates what's being talked about. Most listeners are familiar with God being described as the King of Kings.

What is that mean it doesn't just mean that he's the strongest of kings and the most majestic of kings. If you put all the kings of the universe together.

He's king of those kings. He's different in kind.

So you have the Bible dealing with the subject saying there is no other song like now it's pre-Christ, which I think is significant once looking at all of the Old Testament songs you got the song of Deborah, the song of Moses, the song of David, the song of songs unlike any other song is a song that celebrates the sexual relationship between a husband and a wife and we think about what it does, that the spiritual analogies of what it does to our brains in the relationship to keep taunting us toward each other. What it does to remind us that we are physical beings created with bodies that have nerve endings and that we can literally create humans that share our DNA co-creators with God. It's astonishing what physical intimacy represents and the Bible says that just in the title of the book you enough to get into the verses where it saying we don't need to be ashamed of this, we should celebrate it and unleash the power and the good news. Jim is that what we discovered with a lot of the researchers that it takes a couple, about 20 years to hit their sexual prime that should be encouraging to younger couples night because it's not just about the physical act which you can master in a little bit of time, but it's a relational thing. It's a spiritual thing.

There's a lot of dynamics they can rediscover the value of this act for their marriage they realized in a whole new way with a little thought a little understanding scripturally, relationally, physically, and then with some tips. This can be a whole new element of marriage, it could lead to a whole new marriage.

One thing I found disheartening is how many people we've heard from who don't have that biblical view of sex. In fact, one women said to me, I was shocked to see that sex is so celebrated in the Bible. And if you think about it. Some people come from cultures where sex is it really talked about at the biblical theme and all they hear is don't do before marriage can undo before marriage. It's bad.

Stay away and then all of a sudden somehow they're expected to shift that mentality in marriage and they really struggle with that. So is beautiful to be able to shine the light on how biblical healthy sex life really is for you. You've open that door and I was can assess questionable later.

Saul asked Melanie that's I think one of the great difficulties in the Christian community and I talked to my wife Jean about this.

You know you you have that self expectation of a man to save myself which is exactly the right idea. I don't want to suggest that you need to experiment or any of that you want to save this until you're married. This is God's plan is wedding gift as I call it with my own boys and it's something you keep wrapped until your wedding night and and yet at the same time, I think, especially for Christian women to try to make that leap from no no no to yes yes yes and in talking to Jean she said I found that very difficult to do and I think a lot of women are in that place and price them into that are trying to bridle that appetite brand that appetite and then we start marrying later and now the Breitling of that appetite is even more dangerous really. So speak to that attitude first for the women and maybe Gary can speak for the men. But how do we flip that switch.

And all of a sudden, emotionally, intellectually, physically, embrace wow. Okay, I get to cut loose now with my husband right now. So many people are feeling stuck in that because of the things they've heard the things they've learned and there's a lot of false expectations that we bring into marriage including on the belief that sex is just for the man. For example, a lot of women struggle because they've been taught that this is just for the man and they don't understand that there is so much pleasure that God has for them as well.

When it becomes a duty thing right up because I duty instead of a gift for them to be celebrated something to fill them up. And so I think having conversations like this begins to change the narrative begins to help us understand that it's a gift for a reason.

And there are so many blessings that come on the other side of marriage. Blessings and gifts to be enjoyed but I think were not having enough conversations to help people understand that right now. I could imagine a guy who hears this today talks to his wife over dinner tonight since honey is listen to Focus on the Family. They said sex was a gift she will say yet what man told you that so it is important, and it's the right thing. How do we see this as a gift and in addition that you have something and I'll get you in a minute Gary to give the male response that with this expectations play on words on Ashley but what are those expectations enough expectations are the beliefs that we have going into marriage about what sex will be like and many times those beliefs are actually wrong or rooted in unhealthy things. Think about how Hollywood shapes are expectations of what sex is going to be like you know it's quick, it's easy, it's clean and you snuggling over and read not only now the riots. It just comes so naturally when you get into marriage and it's not like that or you not always in the mood, or you're struggling sometimes or it's not working the way that you thought it would work.

You really start to struggle because now you're trying to align your reality to these false expectations. Other false expectations that we bring in our result of our past. Maybe we've got wounds from abuse and sex is actually a painful thing in a painfully emotionally or even physically and now were coming to marriage and were trying to align our reality with these false expectations self.

So I suggest that instead of aligning our sex life to the false expectations we start rewriting our expectations, we start aligning them to the healthy biblical truth of what sex is and what it supposed to be like in our marriage.

Yeah Gary work right down to the end here. I do want to come back next time and maybe 1/3 day. Who knows, you can tell this is a topic that so important to me and it should be. To most people, you have a quote though in it and you can work in the male response to what we're just talking about but I do want to get this quote and you said a great sex life is something you make that something you find. And that is a great statement that tells with a ashes that was endeavors chapter. If I know that's funny yet. Going back to what you said that we have a chapter called sacred simmering where the Bible not only says it's okay to think about the sexually desirable qualities of your spouse. It celebrates it.

Researchers have talked about simmering for some time simmering is the notion it's difficult to go from ice cold to red-hot and so if you simmer if you know physical intimacy is gonna happen that evening you start to get your mind ready and what's amazing to me 3000 years ago. The Bible has a woman thinking about the sexually desirable qualities of her husband and the man thinking about that with his wife, which tells us thinking about your spouse that way. It's not lustful it's not condemned it's actually prescribed in the Bible. If it's your spouse. Now there's a difference. We know just from brain science that for guys initial sexual arousal often is in the limbic portion of our brain so we do tend to be more physical. Deborah will tell you. For women it's often the neocortex if the guy has been kind the relational quality is good with the kids that often actually is a better way for wife to summer than for guys often thinking about things they enjoy about this.if this is all on a spectrum, no man is like no woman is alike. But I love that the Bible is celebrating hey get your mind in gear and to balance my wife is had to do that with me. Sometimes I can get tired so early because I'm such a morning person. I've got deadlines to say something to happen at 930 tonight. You need to get your mind to get at and actually appreciate that because she's saying okay this is for us were going to share it together. So reserve a little energy for me. This must be a spectrum think his lips like dessert for me there's always room for but here's the thing.

If it's an important part of your marriage in life. If if the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are paying Tom Brady millions of dollars to be ready on Sunday.

He has responsibility to get his mind in gear and have his body rested.

If we recognize that sexual intimacy can be such a life giving relationship building personally affirming aspect of marriage is not when you say okay I need to reserve some energy for it. I need to put some focus on it and I wanted to be something that I can bless my spouse with so this is a blessing, not a burden in our marriage. That's how God designed this is a great start. I think the engines are revving and we have uncorked this discussion, but we need to come back next time and continue talk about things couples can do to really improve their physical intimacy and to receive the gift that God is created here in a healthy way and I so appreciate both of you being with us.

Thank you to have my pleasure. And boy, I think this should fly out of here, John. This great book that Gary and Deborah have written married sex. A Christian couple's guide to reimagining your love life. I would don't even know why we have any left.

If people called us connected with this.

Get a copy. Make a gift of any amount to Focus on the Family be part of the ministry and will send you this great guide is our way of saying thank you, thank you for helping other couples and if you can afford it get in touch with us will get it in your hands and trust that other caring people are going to cover the cost of that. It's obvious that we believe in the content here and again, you know, just call us if you need counseling. We have counselors available here and they'll call you back. Talk with you about some of the other struggles you might be facing that are unique to you.

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